Yeah, well...

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No one promised a rose garden. Well, there was that one lady, but... she was a bit batty. And yet I am pleased with life. At least now that I understand. I'm not lazy, mostly. And I am not insane, or even really a touch shy of a full load, mostly as well. I wish I could do more, I make promises, I offer speeches, I profess, and promise. And I fail. Mostly a hurt to my pride, or something.

Even with the medication, taken as well as I can, I am not feeling well that way. Minor chest pains, mostly. Though I think there are other problems. Our bodies die a bit at a time, to be replaced, as a natural thing. Every seven years, give or take, our cells are completely replaced. The problems I am discussing, beside the pains, are probably due to the fact that, sometimes more than others, my body dies a little faster then it is replaced. Little things go wrong. More and more I see flesh as no more than hardware. I am the software, sort of. I hope when I die the upload is short?

Oh, I think I will be fine. It is just little bothers, and only minor chest tightness and slight pains. I will complain about these until 2050 for all I know. But I am down and can't seem to get back up in general. Caffeine doesn't do it. I haven't tried that stuff D.C. recommended yet though. But if a pot of the strongest coffee won't help me lift a bit, I'm not sure much less than illegal stuff would work. And I doubt if that would work for long, setting aside my notions on such junk in the first place.

I honestly get the feeling, since I don't know what is up, where is when, or who is there... it could only be imagined by configuring a clothes dryer large enough to ride a bull within (without dying instantly as well, work with me). Then riding that bull and turning the machine on. I have no idea what is happening. I am holding on. Not really for dear life anymore, I surrendered the notion that such a thing is in my hands. No, I am holding on for the fun of it. There is always some hope that next time I will do it better.

Three days without caffeine and the headaches are migraine level. I thought I would be able to get out tonight but... no. A week or two of being stuck in here, and longer before that. I just... can't... get... up. Not to worry, it will happen before long. I think, since I am not taking my lady friend on a $5k tour of a national part in the winter that I will be having my mother here this spring and my lady friend here this fall or early winter. If nothing else, perhaps we can figure out something to do a bit more locally. My lady friend that is. She is a little treasure. My mother is not going to be allowed to just work this next time. Yes, the house may need it. But I want her to have some down time too.

The neighbors have been bringing meals by regularly. Turns out, he is the sole breadwinner. Of course, the misses tends to home, children, and garden like a pro. In any case, and to keep the meals coming, I have offered a small gift. It would probably be no more than a week or two of groceries (and that considering she cans and uses that often). However, I think it would be mutually beneficial. A whole real meal, at a restaurant, would cost 1.5 to 2 times what I am offering. But what I am offering is quite nice for them, I think. I didn't want to sound like I was trapping them into offering it, nor did I wish to make it seem that I was ungrateful or... some other things. The mister, who usually delivers, took my offer the right way. At the first of the month onward I will begin giving them that little bit. With six kids and one income, a little more money couldn't go to a better place.

I have shut the games off, for periods of time. I end up just sleeping, as I had thought. Oh, I am addicted. And I mean to be, if not always to the degree I am. But they do keep me awake and they do give me something to strive against in a way that is physically and intellectually within my grasp and when I am able. It isn't much. But I do offer up my zombie slayings to the Lord. :) I HOPE He has a sense of both the serious and humorous in that.

Have a good day, life. If you can't do one other thing, love. Doesn't matter who, or even what. Trust me, it won't hurt you or them. Even when it fails. Even when it isn't returned. Even when they die. You are far richer for it, as is the world and who or what ever you love. Good night, sort of.