Fascinating?

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Or interesting?

I'm not sure who is out there.  But someone is... suggesting something.

No, go ahead.

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Tell me what you really think.

A bit of humor to start?  Sort of?  As... close as it gets?  *wink*

A mix of things.

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Some mine, some delivered, some... coincidence?  As you know, I do not believe in such events.  Though, there... is always chance based on whim, from things far older than even I.  Or... God works in mysterious ways.  I... merely notice, sometimes.  Though, is it whim, or chance, if it is in the mind of God?  Of course, it might not be God.  There are others, both of light and dark.  If... even a right angel can do dark things.  It... happens, or happened?  Even if it hasn't happened yet?  Something...

Yes, music.  It is my way.  Accusations, sympathy, empathy, hatred?  All sorts of things are possible.  I just... watched, collected, and am putting them out.

Who is... out there?

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Strange... what people sometimes think, suggest, see?  Plain to see what it is they are saying though.  If... vids are any indication?  I never know, with certainty.

Don't know.

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Digging deep, going hard.  Whoever is watching is playing tight.

Okay.  I'm always in the mood.

Dinner...

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The beef was good.  The squash was super, more so because it has been a very long time.  The chicken was terrible.  It might have been slightly overdone, but that wasn't the problem.  It was old, could taste it.  Horrible.  And, no.  I bought it just the other day, yesterday?  It was in the fridge one day, only out from the store to home.

That was terrible.  I didn't even finish my bite.  I don't think it's bad, just very very old.  It tastes like the meat was old.  But, do old chickens taste off, like that?  Was that the problem?  That was horrible.  Oh well.  I'll be tossing that chicken.  I'll look at the dates on the package.  And compare with the dates on the other chicken.  If it's similar, I may toss it all.

I'll be husking?, skinning?, the remaining squash.  Putting it in a ziploc.  And stowing it.  It was so very tasty.  I didn't even add much better, and was rather light with salt and pepper.  No brown sugar, of course.  Oh, and I didn't butter it while it was cooking.  I just let it do it's thing, for about an hour and fifteen to twenty minutes.  No, the meat wasn't in anywhere near that long, perhaps forty five minutes.  With all that was in there, the chicken shouldn't have been done.  But it read as near done, by temp.  And, given a few minutes to cool, it finished... by temp.  But, byeach.  The onion was only so-so.  But, it added something to the side.

As well, another glass of kefir.  I'm thinking of having even another.  But, that will be it for the day.  I'll see if I can have three glasses a day.  That would be really good.  I haven't been adding sweetener lately (liquid sucralose - has fewer carbs, by a higher risk to spike insulin... stupid... things).  I may have that in this next run.  And, if I am really back on top of kefir, I will begin making a smoothie every day or other or third day.  As well, I'd like to try to make overnight chia/kefir, and sometimes add oatmeal.  Let it... meld... overnight.  Maybe even warm it in the morning, but not actually make it hot.  I'm thinking of getting a double boiler for that.  I want it warm, I don't want to kill the kefir.  Hmm, may I have a glass or steel bowl that will fit one of my small pots?

Yea, food.  Even as an old guy, food and sex are the two things on my mind.  I've given up sex, so... food it is.  And, yet, even there, I am doing my best to eat most correctly.  To my understanding, within my ability to do so.  And, really, I do pretty good.  I have to push, and pull, and stumble, and fall even.  But, generally, I do fairly well.

Back to gaming, I guess.  And some kefir.  I really do love that stuff.  Later.

It always takes me a bit to cool down.

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Another night of rounds.  It was tough.  Neither of us were exactly lively.  I burned myself out yesterday.  Even with the long sleep, it was difficult tonight.  He is just beginning to get ground down, by the heavy day work, and the additional night work.  To bed at 00:00~01:00, up at 06:30, working in ~90 for twelve hours, then driving around five hours at night?  Right.

His other job will begin tapering, in time.  He thought it might already have happened, but not so much.  Still, he holds his breath and... does his best.  Keeping him awake tonight was tricky.  Worse, I think he slept with his eyes open.  He thought they were closed, but they weren't.  It's what I look for.  I can't drive for him, so I just have to help keep him awake.

Me?  I'm just... a bit old, ill, out of shape, and weakening to the heat as summer continues.  I'll try, again, tomorrow, to get to work early.  If I can wake.  If not, then to get to work when I can, and just take the hit.  A few more logs to move, more twiggy branches, and a lot of smaller twigs to be loaded, as well, at some point, at least one unloading of the trailer into the greens collection.  Two if I could, though I don't think that is possible.

As well, in with the other work, I could pull the stacked wood, set up the cinder blocks, cut the medium limbs into lengths (setting aside those big enough to be split, then loading those into the wheelbarrow to me moved to the splitting station), and stack the ones small enough to be burned as is.

Oh, and I could put the hay stations on the rabbit cages.  Currently I simply have wood in there, they seem to chew well enough on.  I'd rather they get timothy hay, but... for now... this does and keeps their teeth growth in check.  Oh, and getting the last multi-cage installed would be good.

I would like to move one or both standing, open air, cages to a cooler spot, and move the finishing cage to a better spot.  Both for ease of access and to hopefully make them cooler for the critters.  I have cleared the wood, so that they can be moved.  Mostly.  But I can't move them myself.  They are far too heavy and bulky for one to even drag them.  Even a near giant one.  I have great strength, and more, just no stamina... or... currently, yet.  If I keep pounding my head into the wall, will that help?  I... it... hasn't yet.  But, maybe.  I've been doing it for thirty years.  Why would I stop now?

Not cooling.

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Last time I checked, an hour or two ago, it was just down to 72!  Way too warm to be of much help.  The wind seemed to be going, but it wasn't bringing anything cool in.  It is 77, here near the computer, 75 pretty much everywhere else.  Though, just now... did I feel something cool, air with a touch of moisture?  Or am I just hoping.

Kefir, and a fatted coffee, with a dose of insulin... 16~20 cc's, iirc... and a few hours, three?  Blood sugar is at 116.  Very, very strange.   I didn't trust it, to not crash, so went slow and light with the dosing.  Glad I did.  That's an 84 point drop, with the food that seems to be causing spikes?  Very strange.  There was one other thing I had some concern about... the vinegars I have brewing.  I had been sampling those.  I stopped doing that a few days ago.  So, yea, no.  That isn't it.

I wonder, if I cap the kefir too tightly in the refrigerator, if that will revert altered sugar back into some sort of sugar again?  I can't thing so.  I believe, all that would do, is create a more carbonated drink.  Especially since it is in the fridge only a few days before use, after having fermented well enough on the counter.  So, no.

The only thing I can imagine is if the kefir is being used, or drained off, and refilled with whole milk.  In the fridge, it wouldn't ferment quickly, and would then contain more lactose... sugar... might as well be.  But I'm not seeing evidence of that, and, yes, I have... tricks and traps to check.  They would have to bring their own milk in.  It... becomes a dubious proposition, at that point.

The other thing is, the medicine.  It comes from China.  There is a reason China is not trusted, and shouldn't be making our medicine.  Though, too, our medical industrial complex is almost as lethal to those it sees as unfit, or tries to be, as the military industrial complex.  Both of which are quite comfortably in bed with China.  Ugh.  Not much I can do about that, save try to work my way off insulin.  But... that hasn't been doing so well.  Something isn't adding up.  I have limits as to figuring it out, sorting it out, and finding a solution.

Oh... on to set up laundry, though a shower and shave first.  Which means bringing the towels in.  OH!  Yea, wind just picked up, majorly!  And it IS cooler.  I best get going.  It might even rain.  Anyway, a few things tonight.  I got a few things yesterday.  I'll do what I can.

I would really like to... get things cleared and cleaned, as much as I can, in case my mother shows up.  It won't be immediately.  But... it... if it happens... will happen quickly.  I think she will be happy with my pantry, but will add some things.  I am hoping she can figure out my keto ingredients though, because I won't allow flour, or sugar, in my foods.  I've worked too hard, even if it doesn't really show.  Not even in my health.  Not. the. point.  It is the only thing that slightly works, and the meds I am finally taking, when I can.

Later.

Secret King

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I have heard that used as an accusation.  I... had to laugh.

There is... no secret about it.  As a child of God, which even the darker amongst us may be, there are none but kings.  Urhm, save for the queens.   And, no, if you have to try to get the law to push others to call you that, you... aren't a queen, or king.  Meh.  Those who are not viable sons of God, or who are on a path other than to Rome, are not kings.  Perhaps some may never go that way.  Christ said He was here for the many, not most, certainly not all.  What "the many" means is... for Him to sort.  Though... we can speculate.

I won't speculate, not this time, in this moment, for this post.

A secret winner, then, I am told.  I... did laugh.  There has never been a time I am a secret winner.  Sometimes I do win, but... don't share.  Why bother.  Either do, or do not.  Can I be wrong?  I hope so.  Anyone who thinks they are right all of the time, probably even most of the time, is... seeking headaches beyond their capacity to ameliorate.  Not the exact correct term, but with historic meaning.  For one.  But, that isn't important either.  Remember, Christ won it all by dying.  So... winning... is sort of a tricky thing... assuming you believe.  I think many fail to believe because they can't see victory in the grave.  Fair enough, for animals.  

Further, and to be honest, I... avoid the idea of winning.  Not that I am not competitive.  Not that I don't care about "being right, or correct, or such".  More that, winning, in a world of sin, is a thing of pride.  No heaven can Lucifer show me is greater than my pride.  Watch this thing.  Still, it's more.  It is also because winning, for my sake, on my terms... there is nothing that turns my blood cold and causes more trepidation.  Oh, it could happen.  And I'd regret it only slightly less than Satan regrets his choices, even if zit can't change them.  No no, His will, or nothing.  I'd rather be a humble mouse than a worldly victor.  Or, more, a victor within my will, my way.

I pray I don't win, not too consistently.  Even in my best natured attempts, of my own, I will fail, fall.  All that is good, in or from me, falls from the tree of the One Who made me.  To my own devices, I am, currently, of sin.  Fallen.  Whether man, nephilim, or child of djinn.  Yes, I know... of those, too.  Or, their possibility.

If I am to win, while it won't be secret, neither will it be my doing.  It will be a grace, by doing His will.  The Father's.  For now.  And just how well do I do that?  I can't even perfectly take my medicine, or eat and drink so that my illnesses are controlled, no matter how well I try.  So... doing God's will?  I can't even know His will, not fully.  But that is my absolute intention.

Dinner and thoughts.

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The leftover pork roast, with the canned beefy mushroom sauce was... quite good.  Would have worked well with the hamburger, with a beef roast, or much else.  I am very happy with that purchase.  I'll just have to see how well, over time, it works with blood sugar.  I am having a beastly time controlling blood sugar, even really eating rightly.  

As a fact, in spite of dosing, just eating kefir (which had been fermented two full days at 75 plus, and in the fridge for three days so should have been solidly beyond having much lactose), and dosing (15 cc's of fast acting insulin), my blood sugar was 264!  The only other thing I consumed was flavored and plain perrier.  Could "natural flavors" be triggering an insulin response?  I have pH strips on order, for next month.  That will help me make sure.  Still, as sour as I like it, it should be nearly out of milk sugar.  Gah!

Anyway...  I best get up, open up the upstairs, soon.

An understanding, a tech solution, an answer, and a problem.

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Sleep was good, when I finally could sleep.  What time?  Uhrm, it was around... well... after 05:00.  Anywhere from then to 09:00, I think.  Later?  Not earlier.  I think closer to the start potential to a few hours after.  I... tried to remember.  I can't recall.  I woke around 17:00~17:30, probably about in the middle.  I tried to sleep before, it just didn't work.

It is 70 outside, and nearly that inside.  The furnace is off, so that doesn't make sense.  It is heavily overcast outside, but doesn't look like we received any rain from it.  Thanks, China.  I opened everything up.  While it is warmer out there, there is a breeze coming through which is much cooler.  It was down to at least 30 last night.  That is a rather large jump in temps.  But... all good.

The understanding?  ~  Forgot.  Maybe later.

The tech solution?  Well?  I noticed my fingertips no longer hurt.  I had to think, for a second, as I was taking blood sugar this morning.  It was 217, by t he way, after getting to 101, stably, last night.  Bleh.  The thing is, the new glucometer really does take a LOT less blood.  I don't need to press my fingers for larger drops for hungrier devices... test strips really.  So?  So my finger tips aren't have blood forced through holes, it just oozes out, mostly on it's own.  A win.

The answer?  Why so tired.  I... thought I had acclimated to medicine?  Oh, have started the new medicine, but... to what I am on so far.  Reminds me, I need to call about the medicine.  Bleh.  But... again... why so tired!  It has warmed up, mostly, and is mostly stable in any case.  So... why?  Ah!  I used to drink one to four gallons of highly caffeinated tea.  I haven't had a drop, mostly, in... weeks, or a month now?  I... may have to add a cup of instant joe or two a day.  Yes, I think so.

The problem.  ~  Forgot.  Maybe later.  I... had the list of four, then, as writing... they... disappeared into the dark blue nether.  Maybe later.  If I recall, I will amend.  Troublesome memory, mostly in the morning.  Coffee!?!

To bed by...

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I think it was to bed by 05:30.  Couldn't sleep.  Too many things on my mind.  Upset stomach for it.  Sleepy, tired, eyes burn.  Can't sleep.  So be it.

My duck mother is down to four or five.  I put her, and them, up last night.  Alone.  In the outbuilding.  That... can't work.  The chicks can't be left on their own.  But, if I had a place to put them, I could try to feed and water them.  Ugh.  I have no idea how to develop such a construction, and then keep on top of it.

It would need bedding, which would have to be changed out?  If so, how often?  It would need a heat lamp.  For nights, or days too?  Feed and water wouldn't be too difficult.  I would guess they have standard issues for those.  For how long?  Where to keep it?  Ugh!  I just... I don't think any in this batch will make it.  I will just have to let her out, because I don't have a practical means of keeping her in, and the others out.

Plus, I got mail.  My court appointment is coming up, next month.  I need to get people involved, and obtain my last two doctor appointment records, and the echo-cardiogram report, and get those in.  Ugh!  Days have been running into nights.  I have been more fuddled than usual.  I have to sort things out.  Can't sleep, can't be awake, can't function.  Will send out some information today, try to get help.

Other things.  I can't seem to get caught back up.  Sinking.  The house is a mess, and I can't get to it.  Two months on medication.  A new medication coming in.  I am surprised it isn't here.  I should check on that.  Oh, I think someone at the V.A. called recently.  A message, two?  I... haven't... been doing well.  I'll get to those today.

Too much.  Can't think.  Can't sleep.  Can't wake.  There.  I feel... a bit better.  When your diary is your confessor, but you aren't even talking to it?  It builds.  A cup of kefir and then, waking?  And then on to other things?  Ugh.  If I can stay awake.  Heartburn from stress and no sleep.  Bleh.  Later.

A reasonable evening.

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My strength is back, at least to about 75%.  Nothing fancy, but moving a bucket of water doesn't leave me panting.  Wouldn't want to do it all day, but for a quick bit, I can do it.  And pain is mostly gone, if I am taking painkillers for it, for now.  Mostly just as insurance against another full exposure, as this morning.  That was... something else.  If I hadn't been so surprised by it, and then tried to fight it, I... could have cried.  It takes a lot of pain to cause a tear.  It has happened.

I hadn't eaten all day.  Just... I couldn't get to it.  So I had a burger on the way home.  Yeah, thanks.  But I had to have something.  I had a kefir, when I got home, and insulin.  Then, later, another kefir.  I love the stuff, to be honest.  Blood sugar is at 95 after a few hours since eating.  I have a feeling I will need to eat more, and possibly even then have a need to take glucose tabs.  

Until this gets steady, it's going to be a tricky time.  Blood sugar... it's... weird.  At 127 for a weekly average, it's all working out, but it still likes to collapse.  And food... or tabs... getting just the right amount is a trick.  Sardines don't do anything, fruit doesn't even do a whole lot.  A can of beans and about a pound of meat works, two cans it out, and a pound and an half of meat is too much.  Bleh... slowly sorting it out, if I can't always cook!

I think I have a cornish game hen thawed.  I could bake that?  I'll have to see suggested times... though up the temp.  At 4500 feet, everything takes longer, or higher temps, sometimes both... except what doesn't.  Yes, cooking at elevation is... tricky, sometimes, and not always in just one direction.  Something about less pressure means water is hotter?  Or under steam?  Or... just... things are different, and I don't have them down exactly.

I best get to bed.  I really need to try to make it to the post office tomorrow.  Oh, but I really have to take a shower tonight.  As if that always matters.  Still, I... need to get one.  Then on to bed.  Hmm, cat litter too.  And more to eat.  Gotta eat, it is so much better than taking tabs.  Bleh.  Later, or good night.

Rarely do they believe.

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When their eyes reveal what their mind rejects, however?

I can never be certain.  But by the songs and posts visited?

What are you doing on my porch?

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Who are you?  Though, I... suspect I know.  Walk with care, here.

I dreamed of these things.

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As a child, before I knew of my nature, I dreamed this following many times, several times a year at least.  Sometimes the dreams would terrify me.  I had them often.  I described them to my mother, but... she doesn't remember.  I had them until my later teens.  Sometimes, as mentioned, they were terrifying.  Though, in time, the dreams became... almost comforting, in familiarity, if always terribly powerful dreams for reasons I could not understand.

They don't understand.

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Oh... I get that.  I didn't understand, once, at once, and more.

We all want to be right.  And, should we live in grace, we can live well... or even not such as me but... yet... live well even in our limits.  We may even live so well we may wish to require others to live rightly.  It... seems reasonable.  It... isn't.  Until He kills the mercy, mercy is required.

Mercy, patients, and other things.  Beyond us?  Such is living in a world of sin, especially if we reject this world.  Then again, if we reject this world as even Christ did, this is not his kingdom.  If it were?  If it were, there are none who could have kept His people from stopping His crucifixion.  He said it Himself.

So late. And with or at?

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So dark.  Rather cold as well.  Snowing, again.  If it snows heavier, we could see a blizzard.  The wind is rattling the world.  I could not wake up!  Now I know why.  Thankfully I turned the heat on and up to 70 before bedtime... after being cool to cold all day yesterday.  Amazing weather for April.  March, sure.  But April?

After the alarms, at 07:00 and 09:00... which I was sure would wake me but failed, dreams.  One of them was of the devil, L... actually.  In the form she prefers, speaking to me in the form she would rather I be.  Tempting, too strongly to escape... this time.  I win sometimes.  She was laughing.

Laughing.  At me.  At God.  I was laughing too.  She, initially, thought I was laughing with her.  Then she picked up on something else.  She had to start wondering, with or at?  She asked.  Both, I said.  Though the 'with' part wasn't quite what it seemed.

A mystery?  Aye, to many.  If not THAT Mystery.  Sisters?  Cousins?  They do share traits.  They build, or really destroy, one upon the other.  Their ways.

So very tired.

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I had hoped to get to a few things.  I just can't.  I did warm up some of the 'kraut and sausage left from yesterday, poured kefir.  Hoped that might help.  Nope.  It was 55 F outside, last time I looked.  I had the furnace up to 68.  I was initially warm enough but have become cold.

I want to sleep.  May.  I would like to fry a few eggs, bacon too.  But, no.  I... just can't stand.  So very tired, cold, weary.  Hurt?  Not on the surface.  Down below, pain returns.  When it is deeper in, not easily felt, it goes more to weariness or sleepiness.  Parts of the body shut down, so I don't feel them.  That somehow makes me tired.

Oh... music that showed... probably from... what was read yesterday.  I don't know what all he read, I do know... he read some things and didn't want to read what was read.  One part he read regarded the stigmata... problem... I once had.  I think she was an atheist.  She... saw the wounds.  But turned her head and would not look.  I even left it open, that they might be some... part... from a bad heart, or kidney failure, or... she... just stopped looking and would look no more.  She only said there is no medical cause of which she was aware.  While devotedly avoiding looking until I removed the wounds from her sight.

I only remember the conversation.  I have no idea what she wrote about this conversation, if anything.  Since it wasn't, to her mind, medical.  And because she has no faith and doesn't believe in... that which isn't "scientific", she may well have written nothing.  They fear far more than they accuse us of fearing.  Far more.

What else could he have read in there.  She wrote rather plainly, usually.  Using abbreviations and such, but usually saving what was in there already...  sort of like commenting, say, on heart failure, but then referring to it as h.f.  Though did all of them do that?  Some things, to, from back in 2013.  Since that wouldn't have been a part of what was sent to ssa, it must have been things she looked up?  

What did he read.  He didn't... like what he read.  He didn't discuss much of what he read.  He saw the heart and some other problems.  Even as a lawyer, if especially one who works with disabilities, seeing some of the things would show that I really shouldn't be alive.  That doesn't matter though.  There are other things in there, things he spoke about, must mostly things he didn't.  He... was... surprised.  He was upset.  He wanted nothing to do with what was in there, or me.

And... music.  Showing up.  Posts being visited, old songs popping.  A new one, two?  Someone is looking.  I... suspect who.  Play?  Sure, some.  Later.

Odd what shows up on my doorstep.

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From my viewing, potentially, to yours.  Enjoy.  Or go away.