Up and at it?

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No, not really. The alarm didn't work to wake me in time to go help with the meal. I did get out of bed somewhere around 21:00, give or take a lot as I have no real idea, still foggy now. Disappointed, but not wanting to yield the energy I stored for this evening, I took a shower right away, then set the dishes to a fresh soak, and finally so far separated the laundry and started one load. I need to get into town tonight. I need things to drink; milk, splenda soda, Gatorade (only for taking potassium now), and perhaps some other things. And food is required. I have a good load of meats in the freezer. I have little else. In the mood I am in, I am not even sure what else to get. Fresh vegetables, while wonderful at times, go bad in 3.275293943 seconds. At least on my timescale.

Just doing the few things I did do absolutely mashed me into the ground. That could be because I am out of it and have been or because I got on these things immediately after waking up. That is something I don't do even in good times usually. Yeah, well, to town and to shopping. I might just get a fast food meal while in town. It puts something warm, filling, and tasty in my belly. Good for morale, good for basic subsistence. While not the best food, it is cheap and easy.

I think, for a while now, I want to make sure my pistol is with me when I go out at night. It usually is if travel is required but not just for standing outside. The horses out back, both in my pen and the one behind it, were extremely skittish this morning. When I went out, pistol in pocket, this morning, they all bolted pretty quickly. I think, with the llama and number of (if pony sized) horses out back, the mountain lion just didn't think they were a good bet. I'm telling you, that "scream" tore right through me, even only being half awake. It reminded me of the Nazgûl, and loud? Wouch. I felt it as much as heard it. Never did see it, and I have good night eyes, not sure what that was about. Still enjoying the excitement, since I made it alive and in one piece. :)

I do hope to get some serious work done. It might not happen, hope only takes a dying corpse just so far. Still, I'm grumpy enough about things that I might get to it anyway. Later.

The local wildlife?

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Up again, at night. I did eat a bit. And I have been taking my medicine. Improvement is slow. I ran out of chewing tobacco, but had a package of cigarettes, so I used those to get me by until I can get into town. As you may know, I don't smoke in my home. So, outside I went. Sam often comes out with me whenever I step outside, for whatever reason. And she did a few times last night. Then she started acting extremely weird. I figured a dog, perhaps a raccoon, was scaring her. I haven't seen her act this weird ever before. Perhaps the critter was something she had messed with before?

On the last smoke of the night, Sam did come back out with me. I walked over to the far edge of my driveway, standing pretty much in complete darkness, smoking. Sam was staying behind me, near the house. Odd. Then I heard it. I didn't see any movement. I just heard a blood curdling scream. I have never heard one in real life, before now. Mountain lion, no more than 50 yards, and not happy for the company! No, yeah, I headed right for the door. I honestly think I could take one, probably, but I would lose some things too. Lots of blood, maybe an ear or an eye, very possibly some fingers or toes. It would be an unpleasant affair. Sam was being weird. I called to her, from behind the storm door, which was slightly ajar. She came near the door, I had the light on now. She acted all normal until I hissed "SAM!". Then she got all weird, nearly ran away, then finally darted into the house. I closed the door, grabbed my .45 (just for a bit of comfort, that was far too close, and who knows that it might not try to get in?), and went back to gaming.

That was a very unhappy mountain lion. The sun just came up, or is in the process. Still, the critter might still be out there. I am going to have another smoke, but this time with my .45 in my pocket. Oh, never fear, I don't have to take it out to aim. If I think I had time I would, otherwise, right from the hip, right through the jacket. What a gas.

I am hoping to be up in time to make it to a dinner tonight. I would like to help out and experiment with recruiting. I need to find out what time it is and get to it. I may not be able to make it though. Ugh, I hate this. I need to get better faster! Good night.

Got a call this morning.

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In the early dark, couldn't tell what time it was at first. It looked and felt very early. Totally dark. I answered. A neighbor's wife had made chili and he wanted to know if I would like some. Would I? Of course, I sputtered. Home cooked food? I honestly hate McDonalds, Wendy's, and the others. No, there food is... good enough. And, when I have nothing else going or am traveling, their foods are simple fresh and hot. It is just that they are almost too easy. I can't blame them, though. It is just business, and fair ones.

He mentioned he had a few things to do, then would bring the food by in an hour or so. Okay. But I was thinking, why bring the chili over so early? After he ended the call I quickly donned suitable attire for company, hid my cheesecake calendars behind paper, sort of in case he brought one of his sons in, and started... deciphering the situation. OH! It was 5:30ish... well, 17:30ish. It was not morning at all. Never mind. I let him in on the thing, for a larf. It wouldn't surprise me if he is still chuckling. I am. There was enough for two meals for me, especially since I haven't been eating much lately. Wonderful, fantastic, and needed. I am a lucky man, in some ways.

I am feeling better already. A few more days and I should have enough going to either begin cleaning, rearranging my day and night, getting back to Mass, or some combination of those things, if I am already devising such plans. The food will help a great deal. It is no difficulty living, no pain and no real confusion in-the-moment. I simply lose track of things on the bigger scales and don't eat or such.

I am hoping to turn things around soon. I liked having a fine little life. I will do a few things tonight, some emails, maybe a call, dishes and laundry. I hope. Nap time now. See you on the flipside.

Already the 11th?

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I have definitely been out of touch. I think the last day I actually remember leaving the house was for Christmas dinner. I have left a few other times, one to see my friend, and... something else. Mass I think? It is difficult to fathom having lived like that for decades. It was easy to think something was wrong with my brain. Well, there was, and still is. Not enough oxygen when my heart isn't being massaged by heart medicine. My brain works fine with the proper inputs. Actually, I believe it even worked well without them. Actually engineering school wasn't all that bad, it was being to classes, not being able to study for weeks due to sleep problems and exhaustion, and having to play catch up for that. While I can't remember well, I believe I did fairly well, more so considering the situation.

I did get out tonight. I received a phone call and an email. It was the KoC meeting. It was at a time I happened to be awake or I might not have made it. My sleep is rotating in an odd fashion. Some "nights" I can stay up 19 hours, other nights I can only stay up 6-12 hours. As I have started the medicines, I have already seen improvements. But I am still somewhat lost. Give it a week. The only thing good about this is I really do get to see that these are the right medicines, this is the right (and only) diagnosis, and that I do have a much better life on the medicines. And, as I have mentioned, I did fall off them due to extenuating circumstances, not a simple choice, or being surly.

The meeting was good. The only problem? Now that I am taking my medicines again, and drinking more to go along with it, my bladder was screeching at me for half of the meeting. I am sure some men must have wondered what kind of screwed up look on my face I had when trying to smile, nod in agreement, while also trying not to pee my pants. Now, this was foolish. I should have, and will next time, simply excuse myself. (8~:P I just wasn't thinking straight tonight, though I was interested to hear what was being said. In any case, it looks like there are things coming up. I have some things to do there, and some people to talk to. I have chores! This will help me focus. I have a deadline on one thing and should be pushing another. I have people to meet with and arrangements to make. All good.

Well, that is that. As I begin peeking around the corner and out the door at the great big world again... I feel cheered. Not quite like the cat which espies a mouse, or a man who sees a beautiful woman, but more like a man who sees a light at the end of (another) tunnel... and believes he hears no whistles this time. :p Good night.

Back on track to getting back on track?

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I will know shortly. I have moved my medicines to where I can see them. It is working. I am taking them again. My nights and days keep shifting, but not the way I would like it. That will take time, that part always does. As for doing much, that just isn't going to happen for a bit. These medicines are surprisingly effective, however. Sometimes 'it just happens', overnight at times. This is the best, for me, gunk they have ever offered. I suppose that it works on what is really wrong doesn't hurt.

I was just thinking, the last few days, how good it would be to have some of the people I like and love live a little, or lot, closer. The problem is we can't stand each other for long. My mom, my lady friend, my brother. Still, if they lived closer... No, everybody is busy. I wouldn't see them all that much more often. Love is quite a funny thing. And this time it isn't just me. This notion used to make me quite sad. There was no hope of building a 'loved ones only' sanctuary, whiling away time safe and happy. As time has progressed, I have let go of the sadness. Now I simply enjoy what contact I have with them. I like our short conversations. It is enough, at least as far as they go.

A little love, closer, more... romantic in nature, though, would be very nice. I think I can. I simply have to stop goofing with medicine stops. Then again, that was created by some serious dreaming. I am almost still tight and sore from all that. I have never dreamed that many nights in a row, nor that hard. So, I suppose, it wasn't just me being foolish. Some things can cause me to lose my grip, even as good as that has become.

Not sure when I am going to join the club, see my friend again, or even get out of the house again. While I love my home I enjoy getting out too. The weather would make for a pleasant, easy, safe drive through the mountains. I ought to find a destination, a bed and breakfast, a nice cozy decent inn tucked away somewhere. A place or three to go for a short stay, new views, or whatever might interest me. Take some food with me, eat out a meal or two, split the difference on price and luxury. Anyway, I... have things to do.

Well?

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Okay, I am still stuck. But I figured out two of my problems. The first, since I have 'moved operations' into the living room, I need to move my medicines out there. Yeah, without them staring me right in the face all day, they might not (haven't been) being taken. Yeah? Hush it! Second? My controllers are wireless. Yep, they work on bluetooth technology. I didn't realize that... until today I am ashamed to say. I didn't, you know, read anything. I just set it up and hoped. If something didn't work I would then, maybe, have read something... online. The manuals that come with stuff anymore are complete junk.

The game is giving me closer to a full day. I actually feel like I am doing something. I completed the first game on easy mode, then again but with all my stuff. I tried a gimmick that allows you to take your most protective suit from a previous game and start with it in a new game. Didn't work. They say the glitch is twitchy. I suspect they are fibbing. I started a new game on hard mode, there is one more difficult setting. Just go slower and save more often. I am hoping to get the suit to work this time, when I go from hard to 'insane' or whatever the next difficulty level is called.

I know, some people play a game once and call it done. That is about 8 hours of play. Given that this game was about $18, that wouldn't be bad. But for me, it is much more. Beside training me on the new controller device, I learn the game mechanics and get an idea of what to expect where. It's all rough, and higher levels add a bit from time to time I think, but that is about 8 hours. I played it again on easy to get some rewards, which is 6-7 hours. Then I play on hard difficulty, twice, to get everything maxed and hopefully get the suit to transfer to the next highest level, so another 20-22 hours. And, finally, if I get the suit to transfer, I get a final training in the use of the controller, more serious game play, and another double playing to max things (for future use), at another 30 hours of game play I suspect. Let me see, about 65 hours, all told. What with breaks for nerves, food, and just to get off my butt, this is two weeks of gaming, all for $18 (not including the game system, of course). Not bad, really.

Well, back to getting me teeth kicked in. Just thought to let you know I am still alive. Still working things out. And mostly a happy camper.