Who?

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Who, exactly, is it they see?  I see what some see.

So very sore and tired.

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The weather is playing a strong part.  But getting out and doing, after an exceptionally long nearly complete downtime is playing it's part.  I would say those are eighty percent, with the rest of it getting used to medicine.  My muscles are still repairing, tight, burning sometimes.

My arms went from fourteen and an half to fifteen and an half inches around.  With little to do, I entertain curiosity.  I just happened to have recently measured my arms, so had a basis with which to compare.  I am not sure how much growth is normal, or through what effort.  I suspect that is a lot of growth though.

Sleeping on the floor is still a bit tough as well.  I am continuing.  I am ordering an inexpensive floor mat, when possible, to see if it makes such sleeping... easier.  It... I don't know.  As I remember, it took several months to get used to it, at tech school.  Then it was really good.  I'll have to decide if it is worth the struggle.

Blood sugar is still high, but sub two hundred and twelve points less than yesterday morning.  I'll keep at it.  The bloody nose lasted until bedtime.  That is the longest bloody nose I remember.  I had to stop taking aspirin weeks ago, because it was causing nearly daily bleeds.  I hope this was just a fluke.

I'll let the ducks out, feed the girls, and set a fresh pot of tea so as to have chia and a fatted coffee.  All as warm as possible.  Another cool, perhaps rainy day.  Warm food cheers like little else.  Good afternoon and day.

A day of resting.

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A bit sore and tired.  It has been raining every time I have listened or looked out.  It may have stopped?  If it had, by sound, it is back at it.  Last time I checked it was ~45°.  It was that temperature outside every time I checked.  Indoors, the main and upstairs have been staying right at 67°~ 68°.  Up front is and has been 63°.

Blood sugar, after a single dose and meal, dropped ninety nine points to 96 a few hours later.  A few hours since then it is 95 without having had anything but plain tea.  I have had a bloody nose for ten hours.  It just won't stop.  For a few hours, both were bleeding.  And, no, I don't pick the thing, I use facial tissues.  Odd, with humidity... it has to be high with this much rain.

A fatted tea, several ounces of cheese, and salami will be supper.  I will test several hours later.  I doubt if it will be high enough for another dose, which doesn't make sense.  Even when on pure keto recently, I was needing 20 cc's three times a day.  When I wrote differently, it was to not exceptions.

I wonder if being on full heart medicine is the difference.  As mentioned, I don't believe I have diabetes.  I think I have partial organ failure, like a rolling brownout, hitting whichever organ(s) my body thinks is up to taking the hit.  It looks like diabetes, but medicine acts strangely.  Heart medicine seems to be far more important.

Dinner time.  Later, or good night.

Late but awake.

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I woke at 7:30.  Pulled the curtain, took a look outside.  It didn't make sense, as if an artist based on the general palate of Picasso, using color rather than form had rendered the day.  It was horrible, my mind closed back in around itself.  I slept until Sassy braved the steps to know food is needed, and begging isn't above her proud lineage.  That cat can sing for hours!  Fine, and fie.

Ducks are let out.  It is raining, and 45°, but they are ducks.  I, for the last three days, have been getting one egg a day.  Today I got three.  Perfect, huge, a true eggshell to warm light golden, whole color.  I think they had been molting, for an extended time.  They probably can't lay for too long into winter?  Who knows.

Blood sugar is high again, as usual.  But it sub 200.  It's only done that once since I messed up food, then did it again recently.  I can easily have burgers, just no bun... and fish or chicken, just not with breading.  I used to be able to do those in small amounts, but not on insulin.  If I could keep up on fasting, that would be the better way.  It isn't the difficulty involved, it is remembering.

Late awake.  I will try to be to bed early tonight.  I have been slipping.  Brushing teeth is back on schedule, medicine is into a week, at least, since a miss... probably two weeks. It is nicely, regularly, cool.  Sleeping on the floor is going well, and I am eating more regularly.  If I could stay away from carbs...  Later.

Tired and sore.

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I was asked if I could help yesterday.  Maybe by ten.  So... I woke at eight thirty, showered, and had a fatted tea by a quarter after nine.  It didn't happen until past seventeen hundred.  It ended up just being a ten minute job, but one that would have been thirty hard minutes solo.  I considered it more a favor than work.

Actually slinging clays after was more exhausting than the work.  Even so, it was good to get out.  Will do so as possible.  It was a good day to be out.  And while the work was short, I know it helped.  It is good to be considered useful.  Even pitching clays and popping of a few rounds was good.

As noted, I am sore today.  It is a good thing.  The ducks and girls have been fed.  I woke late, gravity was harsh this morning.  I did get an alarm clock and it's radio signal device linked, set, and synced.  I had been looking for the receiver for a while, then the small screwdriver set, then batteries, then... took forever to get it all together.  Finally, everything together, the time, the energy.  Had to just figure some things out, but done.

I was so tired last night I didn't brush my teeth.  After brushing most nights for a year now, save short hard down times, missing is horrible.  It will happen if I push too hard.  Usually three times a day now, sometimes four.  Brushed already.  Would love to shower, to tired.

A fatted tea shortly, heating up chicken after that, then mostly resting today.  Life is good.  Later.

A bit weary.

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Given that medicine was just topped as to dosage a few days ago, and I did a bit of work out in the heat yesterday, plus I started sleeping on the floor a few days ago?  Really, not bad.  I am not as tired as I can be just on a worse general day.  Now, I was crushed yesterday, by the time we finished.  I recovered well, oddly.  I've never done that well in my memory, since becoming ill.  Ritalin, in tiny doses, made it resemble that, but at a serious price.

I couldn't work today.  Probably not tomorrow.  But I don't have a lot of pain.  So weird.  Oh, and I tanned, a lot.  If the sun was out I would have burned.  I need to wear long sleeves and a serious sun hat.  Avoid the sun-blocker clothing.  I will, and will advise it, bad stuff.  No sun-blocker chems either.  Mechanical, pant legs, long sleeves, layers if needed, gloves, and a good head covering.

I am able to game.  And focus on shows when switching between the two.  I can read with some reasonable clarity.  A good day.

Blood sugar started out really high.  A dose took it from 209 fasting to 131 several hours after food and a dose, then on to 102 with nothing else to eat or dose.  Strange how that works sometimes.  I have been struggling, with higher doses, lately.  Work helps.  But pizza should have... never mind.  I am hoping chicken thaws.  Will grill if so.

Today is very cool.  The storm which toyed yesterday, preceded by a warm front, made more than a promise.  Rain and cool temperatures.  It was 40... something... this morning... eight or three or two?  It is 65° currently, or so.  I work much better in the cool to cold.

It's a good life, for as rough as it can be.  I hope... opportunities expand.  A bit more if, as, possible.  I am seeing possibilities.  Good day.

Down late, up late.

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A few hours of work and I was afraid it would hurt to sleep and waking up.  The fear kept me up.  Strange but true.  Well, that was part of it.  The other two parts were the chemicals produced in my body to work and from working act as a pleasant stimulants, and it was still 75° well past 21:00.

I turned both ac's on before showering.  While it was only 70° upstairs, with me in it, an added 2° to 4° isn't impossible.  I was absolutely caked in salt.  And in spite of having washed completely, and I do mean completely, yesterday morning, it was as if I hadn't showered in a week in the nethers.  Not used to working.  Anyway, after the shower and drying off, I actually only crashed because the internet stopped functioning.  I know how to fix it, it... it was time to go to bed.

I left one ac on, the good one, said a short but solid prayer, and went to sleep.  I didn't sleep quickly.  I had to, gingerly, find the right several positions into which I could roll and lay painlessly, or more so, which took a bit to sort, then drift down through the various pains.

As I woke this morning, I came to consciousness as purposely slowly as possible.  If I was in great pain, I didn't want that to flood all at once.  If you have never been dead, you have no idea what waking into devastating pain, agony really, can truly be like.  From my sojourn into quickening, I have learned to awaken about an organ at a time.

Actually, I am feeling a bit tight but... good.  I was able to get off the floor easily.  I took my time, and let my body take the easy way, which probably wasn't necessary.  Still, no reason to push.  I am awake and well.  Sore to be sure, but little more than middling bad days after having done nothing.  Clean, feeling pretty good, and satisfied in having helped complete a useful project.  All good.  Later.

Work!

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A neighbor needed an extra set of hands.  Luckily I was awake and aware.  Up a bit late, but good enough.  He wanted to create a pen for his turkeys.  He had a smaller, mobile, pen.  It just wasn't enough.  So he envisioned a 20' by 20' pen, as a run for his 5' by 7' mobile enclosure.  A bit of work.

Pounding t posts, unrolling and wiring screening, in the 82° outdoors.  Mostly cloudy, with a storm brewing, at least the direct sun wasn't hammering us.  And fresh breezes helped.  A long, for me, day.  I was happy to help.  I wasn't just hands.  I helped idea-wise too.  Further, our mechanical ideas are similar.  If one of us thinks of a method, the other might well have stumbled on it in time.  I think I surprised him a few times.  Both with ideas and being johnny-on-the-spot with tools and parts.

It was good to work.  I need to get my cold/hot drink containers cleaned and set up.  He may ask for help in the future.  I may even be taught to drive a tractor.  I can't help much, but a few times a week, just to hold things, to get out.  It is good, even just a bit.  To think, to work, to help.  I'd do it for pay if I could do it enough.  It just... but I might be able to do a bit.  Will see.  The more difficult part is just being awake at the right times and aware of contact attempts.

I blistered and burned through those quickly.  I must remember gloves.  A great few hours anyway.  Fried.  Another shower, then gaming, then to bed early.  Awesome.

Oh, blood sugar was 225 this morning.  After breakfast and a standard dose, it dropped to 122.  Had a few pieces of pizza for supper, it is up to 169 but I didn't have insulin.  I'll dose as I head to the shower, check it in a few hours.  Ac will be set to go, then turn it to fan as I go to sleep if it is cool enough.  Later.

Perhaps.

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Blood sugar is still pulling left... high, wrong, bad, that is.  Again it started out at about 176, then after a lighter dose and fatted coffee plus several hours, it pushed to 196 again.  After a bit more to eat, and a larger dose, it is down to 140.  I plan on another, last, meal and another dose, possibly two more doses.

Last night I finally decided I had had enough.  The cot, you see, has finally become too uncomfortable.  It is made to handle nearly two hundred over my weight.  However, I am... dense.  Well overweight, but at 280 with a 38" waist and 52"~54" chest, it doesn't look (quite) as bad as it sounds.  On the odd side, it means I more cut into the cot than am distributed over the whole thing.

I suspected the floor would end up being more comfortable.  Still, I constructed the underlay with care, to include a powerful pillow under my lower calves.  Elevated legs, docs asked for it, that has become a sleep thing since my first attempt at sleeping on the floor.  Anyway, I wasn't too sure after settling in.

It ended being a much better sleep.  I have aches, but fewer of them, milder pains, and in new spots.  I suspect these will pass.  It was far easier to roll.  I probably didn't roll as often as I wanted, but I am not used to the allowance.  Rolling on the cot was expensive, consumed too much energy, was difficult, and could be painful.  As I get used to the freedom, I will use it.  Getting up off the floor wasn't too bad, either.  Oh, and I think Sam enjoyed it a lot more too.  If, as is typical with women, she kept stealing MY BLANKETS!  Human, feline, on some matters there is no difference!

 Meds are going down well.  A bit tired.  More tired?  No, if not exactly perky.  If the sun is out, I'll open up.  After a nap.  I have trimmed the whiskers, now to shower and shave.  I have been brushing my teeth again since starting medicine again.  Cycles.  Still a month off with nine or more months on at two to four times a day is far better than several times a week or even month.  Heart medicine, when all was set, and while I can keep on it, really has allowed improvements.

Lunch then a nap?  Sounds like a plan.  Later.

Dream a little dream...

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Talking to giants.  Who, you might ask?  Michael, Desert Cat, Vox, and others.  Readers, consumers really, and producers, of the very products about which the discussion was based.  From, who... Heinlein, give or take, on up to today.  The secret writers.  Some from before, for scale, with an ear to history, into literary homage.  It was a wonderful experience, if more as a child, literarily, somehow seated at the big people's table.

Oh, I had heard of their beloved masters of science fiction, prose, poetry, and horror.  I had, for one reason or another, rejected most.  There were a few jewels I wouldn't fully reject, flaws and all.  Hemingway, and a few others.  Still, the regaling of stories and tidbits about authors, bringing the dead quick if but for a brief moment while giving the living an elevated status.  The nature of storytelling the more vivid through obvious adoption amongst the devotees.

On it went until the spun bottle landed in my direction, for the third time... fourth, fifth?  No longer was a claim of ignorance, self-denial, or other attempts at evasion or subterfuge allowed.  Showed theirs, the price was to show mine.  Yes, I had seen this coming, like a cat stuck in a ripe river, heading to a fall.  For some things... the dignity of some events can never be granted, only seen or not by the beholders.

I explained my problem.  I was, literarily, for the most part, if happily, stuck in another time.  Poe, Twain... Clemens... Leghorne boy,I say boy, William Blake, Swinburne, but less, as with they, the common tripe fed the masses.  At least we held that in familiar.  Our tastes had required stepping out of the daily bread?  Perhaps in more ways than one.  If the Hellfire crüe had a literary component?  As we say... deny... so it was, or wasn't.

No, I said.  I refuted modern literary.  Couldn't, wouldn't, tolerate.  Still, far from innocent.  Merely, my whiter shade of pale came from, or went into, a different form of the arts, namely music.  In that I drowned, addressed, expressed, exalted, my sins.  I explored my rejection of masculine duty, Godly obedience, rage and other hungers.  I lost myself, threw myself away to or in the music, as if swimming into the sea with no intention of returning.

Somewhere, out there, I... came to my senses.  I once again fell in love with the simple notion of the naked man and woman.  I found, if not what I had thought had been my home, a new and better home... if one I cannot go to... not yet.  I saw God not in but beyond the distortion, though in time I realized He is there too.  He isn't a party to dissonance, He simply cannot be erased by it.

From Avenged Sevenfold, Wolfe to Epica, Monster Magnet to Mötörhead, to groups and people who have no names or have names which make no sense, I have crawled across the psychic and spiritual killing floor to a place divine.  It isn't for me yet, but it is waiting.  That... is the story of my stories.  What a dream...