.
.
Simply put, swimming and getting to town did not happen. Twice a week may be it, for now. Technically, if I cut my swimming by 15 minutes, I might be able to eke out another swim period. The problem is that swimming is only a part of the process. Simply showering and dressing (which I did do), then driving into town, is a huge part of the energy outlay. That combination is more energy consuming than the swim, to be honest. The difference between 15 minutes and 30 minutes in the pool is nearly negligible compared to that. I was showered and dressed, then simply lagged. I can't say for sure if the swimming earlier in the week wore me out or if I am just backsliding again, a bit. I simply don't know what causes what, only that I couldn't finish the project. I would still like to get in on Monday and Wednesday, keeping the hope of Friday and a third swim as an option. As with today, however, it isn't always my call. I simply take what I can get.
I am pleased with the week. I did hit it hard. I am feeling much better having gotten back into the pool. I pulled tight again, within my capacity, from muscle to form with the swims. I'm getting some wind back. I seem to be plateaued as to capacity, not quite able to hit my next stride and push beyond my current max. And while I am fine with that, for the moment, I am hoping time back in the pool will help, I simply have no real idea what to expect. I do push, actually, as hard as I can. Perhaps this is as fast as my eight cylinder with only two operational cylinders will kick out. Time will tell.
Later.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Haiku?
.
.
Well, I'm not a poet. And I certainly don't eat sprouts. However, once an occasional, upon general request, I might break out and just do it. Oh, but Aunty is no slouch. She wanted it just such and so, using traditional Japanese techniques, not even often used by modern or even modern Japanese haiku writers. AND, she provided pictures by which to base the haiku. Really? Yes, really. Well, it beats palimony! :p Plus, I have to digest breakfast before hitting the shower. *glub*
Okay, so I gave it a shot, on a timer. Ten minutes, take it or leave it.
The dancing twirl, yes?
The young around the thumb go,
mom in future spring.
Spring chicken is not,
if truth is only of sight-
Youthful while she sings.
Okay, rather cliched, but the rules were limited, as is my time, and I am not a poet let alone a master of haiku-fu. Just so you know, once in a while Doom tries to play nicely with others. No bloody noses, broken bones, or dead bodies to clear, either. But I'm NOT having high tea at my place this afternoon... or... ever. Drink the coffee, milk, soda, water, or what ever else I have, or hit the road. Urhm... I do try, I just have my limits.
Later.
.
Well, I'm not a poet. And I certainly don't eat sprouts. However, once an occasional, upon general request, I might break out and just do it. Oh, but Aunty is no slouch. She wanted it just such and so, using traditional Japanese techniques, not even often used by modern or even modern Japanese haiku writers. AND, she provided pictures by which to base the haiku. Really? Yes, really. Well, it beats palimony! :p Plus, I have to digest breakfast before hitting the shower. *glub*
Okay, so I gave it a shot, on a timer. Ten minutes, take it or leave it.
The dancing twirl, yes?
The young around the thumb go,
mom in future spring.
Spring chicken is not,
if truth is only of sight-
Youthful while she sings.
Okay, rather cliched, but the rules were limited, as is my time, and I am not a poet let alone a master of haiku-fu. Just so you know, once in a while Doom tries to play nicely with others. No bloody noses, broken bones, or dead bodies to clear, either. But I'm NOT having high tea at my place this afternoon... or... ever. Drink the coffee, milk, soda, water, or what ever else I have, or hit the road. Urhm... I do try, I just have my limits.
Later.
Awake and ready, I do believe.
.
.
Waking at 5:30, and no, I can't remember when I went to bed though I think it was around 2:30? I set the alarms for 8:00 (by the bed) and 9:00 (where I would have to get out of bed). At this time I have no idea how much sleep will be required or even if the alarms will help. Sleep cycle management, currently, is simply setting goals and guesstimating. Apparently the quick-fire double sleep cycle yesterday did the job and last night I just needed an extended nap. Swimming looks like it's on. I left the 9:00 alarm live, to give me that boost to take a shower so as to have time to air dry then be to the pool at a more reasoned time.
I plan on calling my friend when I get out of the pool. I have a movie though I am not sure he wants to watch movies. I'll see if he wants a visit, or needs to shop, or whatever. I meant to call him last night but sometimes, things just slip my mind. I do the best that I can do. I am a bit limited often. I am feeling great about getting back into the pool though. The music helps a bunch, but I was pulling a pretty mean stroke, all else as givens, before it though too. Actually, if the music does something, it shortens my rests. It does what the false hype of stretching is supposed to do... it gets me ready to hit it. Hmm, I have never tried my pulse monitor watch. I might give that a go today. Though, if what they say is right about one of my medications, my pulse won't rise as it would normally. So I am not sure how much I can use it. Then again, if I can get some difference going, perhaps I could just flatten the bell curve and attempt to guesstimate target ranges for the various wants? Something new to tinker with I suppose. Meh, maybe not that today... Soon though.
I love it when I have a plan, with little goals between to be hit first. I am amazed to be still swimming. My guess is you are at least surprised? Everything else might be falling down around my ears, but, like that is ever going to change? Or at least some things have to get worse before they can get better... if I still think everything else would be falling down with or without swimming. The only difference is I wouldn't be giving my heart a greater shot at improvement.
After some other breakfast bars proved disastrous to my diabetes, I decided to give Clif bars a shot. They are some of the worst tasting things I have ever eaten. I don't know what granola eating Chumley thinks this stuff is great? Or is it that for the new and hip secular crowd easting this crap serves as penance to Gaia? All I know for sure? For me, after I finish this, to the best of my ability, I will not be buying more. I saw something suggested by a woman type blogger I read, and I have it bookmaked somewhere... But it is so expensive, at $30 for 12 bars. I'm just not sure that I can do that. Saw someone adverting for some other stuff at Vox's, while "organic" it might be worth a shot, but the same problem. At that price I just can't really keep up with that. Yes, I am on a budget. I have, at this time, between $500 and $600 a month for everything over static bills, at best, somehow. And I need to save a bit for my mother's visit and Burning Man. Gah! I'm going to have to look things over. Have I spent and just not noticed? Ah, right, swimming is killing my budget. There is the financial leak. Anyway...
Later.
.
Waking at 5:30, and no, I can't remember when I went to bed though I think it was around 2:30? I set the alarms for 8:00 (by the bed) and 9:00 (where I would have to get out of bed). At this time I have no idea how much sleep will be required or even if the alarms will help. Sleep cycle management, currently, is simply setting goals and guesstimating. Apparently the quick-fire double sleep cycle yesterday did the job and last night I just needed an extended nap. Swimming looks like it's on. I left the 9:00 alarm live, to give me that boost to take a shower so as to have time to air dry then be to the pool at a more reasoned time.
I plan on calling my friend when I get out of the pool. I have a movie though I am not sure he wants to watch movies. I'll see if he wants a visit, or needs to shop, or whatever. I meant to call him last night but sometimes, things just slip my mind. I do the best that I can do. I am a bit limited often. I am feeling great about getting back into the pool though. The music helps a bunch, but I was pulling a pretty mean stroke, all else as givens, before it though too. Actually, if the music does something, it shortens my rests. It does what the false hype of stretching is supposed to do... it gets me ready to hit it. Hmm, I have never tried my pulse monitor watch. I might give that a go today. Though, if what they say is right about one of my medications, my pulse won't rise as it would normally. So I am not sure how much I can use it. Then again, if I can get some difference going, perhaps I could just flatten the bell curve and attempt to guesstimate target ranges for the various wants? Something new to tinker with I suppose. Meh, maybe not that today... Soon though.
I love it when I have a plan, with little goals between to be hit first. I am amazed to be still swimming. My guess is you are at least surprised? Everything else might be falling down around my ears, but, like that is ever going to change? Or at least some things have to get worse before they can get better... if I still think everything else would be falling down with or without swimming. The only difference is I wouldn't be giving my heart a greater shot at improvement.
After some other breakfast bars proved disastrous to my diabetes, I decided to give Clif bars a shot. They are some of the worst tasting things I have ever eaten. I don't know what granola eating Chumley thinks this stuff is great? Or is it that for the new and hip secular crowd easting this crap serves as penance to Gaia? All I know for sure? For me, after I finish this, to the best of my ability, I will not be buying more. I saw something suggested by a woman type blogger I read, and I have it bookmaked somewhere... But it is so expensive, at $30 for 12 bars. I'm just not sure that I can do that. Saw someone adverting for some other stuff at Vox's, while "organic" it might be worth a shot, but the same problem. At that price I just can't really keep up with that. Yes, I am on a budget. I have, at this time, between $500 and $600 a month for everything over static bills, at best, somehow. And I need to save a bit for my mother's visit and Burning Man. Gah! I'm going to have to look things over. Have I spent and just not noticed? Ah, right, swimming is killing my budget. There is the financial leak. Anyway...
Later.
Narcissism and the Self-Esteem Cult
.
.
Okay, I stole the title of this post from Stacey. Now, I like his article too. So go visit if you like. He'll probably be pissed that a "bigot and racist" trucked off with his goods, then used the words of another "racist" to bolster the point. Never mind. The thing is, Adam gets it correct again. This time, if specifically about some talking head I haven't ever seen and only heard mentioned a time or two, he also goes into generalities... while not missing the fact that we all have a little such beast living in our breast. We all have as much potential for evil as good. I guess it comes down to what we do with that potential. As with any seed, what gets tended, watered, and sees the light... that is the seed that will grow. Anywho...
[Some cussing, but much tamer than the last one]
Good night.
.
Okay, I stole the title of this post from Stacey. Now, I like his article too. So go visit if you like. He'll probably be pissed that a "bigot and racist" trucked off with his goods, then used the words of another "racist" to bolster the point. Never mind. The thing is, Adam gets it correct again. This time, if specifically about some talking head I haven't ever seen and only heard mentioned a time or two, he also goes into generalities... while not missing the fact that we all have a little such beast living in our breast. We all have as much potential for evil as good. I guess it comes down to what we do with that potential. As with any seed, what gets tended, watered, and sees the light... that is the seed that will grow. Anywho...
[Some cussing, but much tamer than the last one]
Good night.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Bits of news.
.
.
It is wonderful to see an idea, to my knowledge, created here in Utah, going viral in the law enforcement community. It hasn't been without controversy, from the usual suspects. But it has, where used, and so far upheld by courts from what I have seen, worked. That is, the order by courts for gang members not to be allowed to associate, upon pain of incarceration. Now, I would like to see greater pains, but it is what it is. Free association is a right, but there are limits to it. It is about time that courts look at what is written, and what is unwritten, in rights, at least in the correct manner. Now if they could squash quotas and other forced by law multicultural notions, being that they infringe on the obverse of free association, which is the freedom to not associate.
The next bit of news is how and what is coming. It doesn't matter what you think, they are coming for your guns, and any way they can. But what about the Oath Keepers, you ask? They are a small group. While, for the most part, after they cleared their own internal baffles a bit, they seem to be more solid than weak, they are simply too small. I don't know how much they can or will affect anything. That they, as a group, notice the problems? Great. It is really up to the American people, all of it. Half of them are bought and sold. Of the remainder, half are disinterested, just wanting to live and let die. Of the quarter who remain, most are rather mild. A stiff wind will send them home, to their fate. There are few.
Anyway, in this case, a man, for showing a picture of his son holding his rifle, has the police pay him a visit (what was I saying about Oath Keepers being a small group?). It seems no charges will be filed. For now. If people are willing to call that in, on their own, wait until this law takes affect. Yeah, best to be on the lookout, keep everything private, and don't mess around. They are coming for you. It isn't just New York folks. Watch yourself out there.
And while, for the moment, it is guns. After your guns they may well decide that food storage is hoarding, and come for that. What else do you have stored up? Wealth? Supplies of various sorts? You won't need that. The government is here, now, to take care of need. They already have your children. Hey, but it will be painless, until economic reality hits. Government is terrible with economies, ask Russians, even now if much more so when they were officially communist.
.
It is wonderful to see an idea, to my knowledge, created here in Utah, going viral in the law enforcement community. It hasn't been without controversy, from the usual suspects. But it has, where used, and so far upheld by courts from what I have seen, worked. That is, the order by courts for gang members not to be allowed to associate, upon pain of incarceration. Now, I would like to see greater pains, but it is what it is. Free association is a right, but there are limits to it. It is about time that courts look at what is written, and what is unwritten, in rights, at least in the correct manner. Now if they could squash quotas and other forced by law multicultural notions, being that they infringe on the obverse of free association, which is the freedom to not associate.
The next bit of news is how and what is coming. It doesn't matter what you think, they are coming for your guns, and any way they can. But what about the Oath Keepers, you ask? They are a small group. While, for the most part, after they cleared their own internal baffles a bit, they seem to be more solid than weak, they are simply too small. I don't know how much they can or will affect anything. That they, as a group, notice the problems? Great. It is really up to the American people, all of it. Half of them are bought and sold. Of the remainder, half are disinterested, just wanting to live and let die. Of the quarter who remain, most are rather mild. A stiff wind will send them home, to their fate. There are few.
Anyway, in this case, a man, for showing a picture of his son holding his rifle, has the police pay him a visit (what was I saying about Oath Keepers being a small group?). It seems no charges will be filed. For now. If people are willing to call that in, on their own, wait until this law takes affect. Yeah, best to be on the lookout, keep everything private, and don't mess around. They are coming for you. It isn't just New York folks. Watch yourself out there.
And while, for the moment, it is guns. After your guns they may well decide that food storage is hoarding, and come for that. What else do you have stored up? Wealth? Supplies of various sorts? You won't need that. The government is here, now, to take care of need. They already have your children. Hey, but it will be painless, until economic reality hits. Government is terrible with economies, ask Russians, even now if much more so when they were officially communist.
A nap, eh?
.
.
I woke at 2:30, and made it up to... sometime after 7:30 for sure. I have no idea though. When my batteries run low memory does not work. And they were low. I went in to take a nap. Give or take, with the sleep I have been getting, a couple hours of nap is all that is needed. In this case, I "napped" for somewhere between eight and ten hours, roughly. I have no real idea, just that I finally woke... around 18:30? 19:00? I did stir a few times in that time. I wanted to at least feed the girls. I simply couldn't get the synaptic firing routines in any kind of order to functionally wake or even feed the cat ladies. Feeding the little furballs is a trick to begin it. And I have a great desire to see them fed. But I couldn't rise to feed them, though that trick doesn't always work even when I am successful either.
Still, swimming tomorrow is the plan. Then maybe a visit with my friend. My guess is it will be too cold to shoot, though we will see. He called today, sometime. I didn't notice until just now though. I remember holding my phone today, but I don't remember why, so maybe I heard it. The brain just didn't know what to do with the thing in my hand. For all I remember, it might have already stopped ringing. Yep, zapped. All good though. As I continue to swim, there is some hope that my world will open up a bit, as it has in the recent past. The truth is, I will probably always go through times of health and times of nothing, even should my heart become healed. I think it is patterned into my biology at this point. Then again, I could be wrong.
Never to worry, I'll keep chugging away. I am greatly looking forward to the weekend, especially if swimming goes forward tomorrow. I will need two days off and whatever sleep my body demands. I need to thaw meats though. I need, NEED, food. I'm like a protein zombie right now. Protein! Yummmm! And fats, actually. Vegetables would be fine, starches would be good, but my body is craving protein and fats like a junky. I just don't have the wherewithal to provide as I would like or as it seems to want. I still weigh 280ish (281 and change), but I continue to slim down. My absolute tightest underwear are now... slipping off. Gah but I hate underwear slipping under my clothes! I don't think I'm quite ready for mediums though... I hate that too. Being middling between sizes is annoying. Still, I'll take it. I'll live with that, and actually happily. It means I might be able to push into a 36 waist in another month or two. That'll be down ten waist sizes since I moved here, but only down 20 pounds? WTF? Still, I would rather be slim and conditioned and still with mass than without it. Mass is... a beautiful thing when you know how to manipulate it, and I do. Now I truly am becoming a bear. *grwlll* Food!
Now, my dreams of being a bear, and then another of being an eagle, are making sense. But I still don't understand being a wolf, not in my modern, recent, current iteration. Perhaps this too will come to pass. Yeah, I'm a bit of an oddball. But, I can't be but what I am?
.
I woke at 2:30, and made it up to... sometime after 7:30 for sure. I have no idea though. When my batteries run low memory does not work. And they were low. I went in to take a nap. Give or take, with the sleep I have been getting, a couple hours of nap is all that is needed. In this case, I "napped" for somewhere between eight and ten hours, roughly. I have no real idea, just that I finally woke... around 18:30? 19:00? I did stir a few times in that time. I wanted to at least feed the girls. I simply couldn't get the synaptic firing routines in any kind of order to functionally wake or even feed the cat ladies. Feeding the little furballs is a trick to begin it. And I have a great desire to see them fed. But I couldn't rise to feed them, though that trick doesn't always work even when I am successful either.
Still, swimming tomorrow is the plan. Then maybe a visit with my friend. My guess is it will be too cold to shoot, though we will see. He called today, sometime. I didn't notice until just now though. I remember holding my phone today, but I don't remember why, so maybe I heard it. The brain just didn't know what to do with the thing in my hand. For all I remember, it might have already stopped ringing. Yep, zapped. All good though. As I continue to swim, there is some hope that my world will open up a bit, as it has in the recent past. The truth is, I will probably always go through times of health and times of nothing, even should my heart become healed. I think it is patterned into my biology at this point. Then again, I could be wrong.
Never to worry, I'll keep chugging away. I am greatly looking forward to the weekend, especially if swimming goes forward tomorrow. I will need two days off and whatever sleep my body demands. I need to thaw meats though. I need, NEED, food. I'm like a protein zombie right now. Protein! Yummmm! And fats, actually. Vegetables would be fine, starches would be good, but my body is craving protein and fats like a junky. I just don't have the wherewithal to provide as I would like or as it seems to want. I still weigh 280ish (281 and change), but I continue to slim down. My absolute tightest underwear are now... slipping off. Gah but I hate underwear slipping under my clothes! I don't think I'm quite ready for mediums though... I hate that too. Being middling between sizes is annoying. Still, I'll take it. I'll live with that, and actually happily. It means I might be able to push into a 36 waist in another month or two. That'll be down ten waist sizes since I moved here, but only down 20 pounds? WTF? Still, I would rather be slim and conditioned and still with mass than without it. Mass is... a beautiful thing when you know how to manipulate it, and I do. Now I truly am becoming a bear. *grwlll* Food!
Now, my dreams of being a bear, and then another of being an eagle, are making sense. But I still don't understand being a wolf, not in my modern, recent, current iteration. Perhaps this too will come to pass. Yeah, I'm a bit of an oddball. But, I can't be but what I am?
Doing better, I guess.
.
.
Mostly I seem to be in a sort of limbo. I woke at about 2:30, but I have no idea when I finally crashed. As with getting to the pool this morning, I meant to get back to bed right after dinner but it just didn't happen. It took several hours. Actually, I'm not even sure when dinner arrived. I have no clear memories of time and it is taking me a long time to do what I mean to do, hours of sitting and thinking on it, getting distracted, forgetting, then coming back to a notion, only to go through that cycle several times. My mind is working. My body is good, if I am using up every bit of energy on exercise again. This other thing? I don't know. Distracting, but I seem to be lucking through the loopholes and getting on with some things.
Today? No clue. I did finally find the bigger air pump, and the attachment needed for the exercise ball is still attached to it. I'm not too sore, considering two solid swims in a row and the long break preceding these, but I am tired. And sleep is just weird. Since I simply don't have a schedule, I don't mind napping... whenever, if I keep it short. Dunno, I'll think about it.
Good morning.
.
Mostly I seem to be in a sort of limbo. I woke at about 2:30, but I have no idea when I finally crashed. As with getting to the pool this morning, I meant to get back to bed right after dinner but it just didn't happen. It took several hours. Actually, I'm not even sure when dinner arrived. I have no clear memories of time and it is taking me a long time to do what I mean to do, hours of sitting and thinking on it, getting distracted, forgetting, then coming back to a notion, only to go through that cycle several times. My mind is working. My body is good, if I am using up every bit of energy on exercise again. This other thing? I don't know. Distracting, but I seem to be lucking through the loopholes and getting on with some things.
Today? No clue. I did finally find the bigger air pump, and the attachment needed for the exercise ball is still attached to it. I'm not too sore, considering two solid swims in a row and the long break preceding these, but I am tired. And sleep is just weird. Since I simply don't have a schedule, I don't mind napping... whenever, if I keep it short. Dunno, I'll think about it.
Good morning.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Adam Carolla isn't a racist.
.
.
I get really tired of having to tell so-called conservatives that the truth ISN'T racist, nor are the messengers who provide the truth. I have been watching this bull for a long time. Anyone who suggests that single mother families lead to much more underage single motherhood, significantly increases the risks of drug use, and greatly escalate crime rates among their spawn, is called a racist. Why? Because minorities live in a world of that. So instead of raising the bar, requiring good behavior, creating hoops to make such a lifestyle difficult to the point of being untenable, anyone who even mentions the former without touching on the race issue is, by default, considered a racist? Really? I have seen Adam Carolla pilloried on a so-called conservative site. Beside blasting it there I am going to blast it here. So, what is it he said?
[Definitely not for work, there is a lot of cussing.]
.
I get really tired of having to tell so-called conservatives that the truth ISN'T racist, nor are the messengers who provide the truth. I have been watching this bull for a long time. Anyone who suggests that single mother families lead to much more underage single motherhood, significantly increases the risks of drug use, and greatly escalate crime rates among their spawn, is called a racist. Why? Because minorities live in a world of that. So instead of raising the bar, requiring good behavior, creating hoops to make such a lifestyle difficult to the point of being untenable, anyone who even mentions the former without touching on the race issue is, by default, considered a racist? Really? I have seen Adam Carolla pilloried on a so-called conservative site. Beside blasting it there I am going to blast it here. So, what is it he said?
[Definitely not for work, there is a lot of cussing.]
About that swimming thing?
.
.
Man, I think it was 9:00 or 10:00 when I started trying to head out. I just could not get over that hump. I did get into the shower, then air dried. I was so tired though. I also got dressed. And I really thought about it, there were a few other things I wanted to get done in town today. I didn't get any of those done. But I did make it to the pool. See, that is how most days are lately. I simply don't know, like I did there for a while, what will be done.
I had hoped to at least do 15 minutes in the pool. I thought, and initially started out, swimming just laps. Or... half laps, but lets not us, we, you and me, be all that picky amongst friends, shall we? I was needing pretty long rests, if I feel like I am really kicking it out, speed wise. And I am trying implement the practice zero-point targets into my regular swimming. When my instructor shows me something to improve, she tries to eliminate all the other things that I could do wrong or which could be a problem so that I can focus almost purely on one specific thing, like my kick, or alignment, or... take your pick. I call these zero-point exercises. However, after a bit, realizing I wouldn't get much done, I decided to go ahead and try some of the actual exercises after a lap or two. What I found was that I was able to get a lot more accomplished. I didn't need as many, or nearly as long, breaks if I alternated between standard and exercise laps! And I filled the whole half hour.
I... sort of wonder if what has been the hang up, at least some little part of it, was the fear that I couldn't do much, between exercise laps and regular laps. Both beat me up, but in different ways it seems. I was amazed at what I can actually do. Oh, I'm still out of shape from my down time. But I think that will come back pretty quickly, especially with this new methodology. Wunderbar, sensationnelle, and foreign crap like that! Now I just need to stay awake for supper and I will be ready for... I don't know actually. I do know that it was a fine day to get in and swim. My legs feel a bit rubbery and I am really tired. I'll live.
.
Man, I think it was 9:00 or 10:00 when I started trying to head out. I just could not get over that hump. I did get into the shower, then air dried. I was so tired though. I also got dressed. And I really thought about it, there were a few other things I wanted to get done in town today. I didn't get any of those done. But I did make it to the pool. See, that is how most days are lately. I simply don't know, like I did there for a while, what will be done.
I had hoped to at least do 15 minutes in the pool. I thought, and initially started out, swimming just laps. Or... half laps, but lets not us, we, you and me, be all that picky amongst friends, shall we? I was needing pretty long rests, if I feel like I am really kicking it out, speed wise. And I am trying implement the practice zero-point targets into my regular swimming. When my instructor shows me something to improve, she tries to eliminate all the other things that I could do wrong or which could be a problem so that I can focus almost purely on one specific thing, like my kick, or alignment, or... take your pick. I call these zero-point exercises. However, after a bit, realizing I wouldn't get much done, I decided to go ahead and try some of the actual exercises after a lap or two. What I found was that I was able to get a lot more accomplished. I didn't need as many, or nearly as long, breaks if I alternated between standard and exercise laps! And I filled the whole half hour.
I... sort of wonder if what has been the hang up, at least some little part of it, was the fear that I couldn't do much, between exercise laps and regular laps. Both beat me up, but in different ways it seems. I was amazed at what I can actually do. Oh, I'm still out of shape from my down time. But I think that will come back pretty quickly, especially with this new methodology. Wunderbar, sensationnelle, and foreign crap like that! Now I just need to stay awake for supper and I will be ready for... I don't know actually. I do know that it was a fine day to get in and swim. My legs feel a bit rubbery and I am really tired. I'll live.
About my sight seeing.
.
.
If I am wrong, why is this group putting out this pledge, suggesting it won't support much of what I have suggested is on the way? If nothing else, I am not the only one wrong. Though, do you trust warriors, defenders, from the military and police forces, or do you trust other sources, regarding security issues?
[Perspective is hinky. Click the poster to enbiggen.]
h/t Opus #6 @ *American Perspective*
Think, people. Plan. Don't just sit there. This isn't just going to blow over.
.
If I am wrong, why is this group putting out this pledge, suggesting it won't support much of what I have suggested is on the way? If nothing else, I am not the only one wrong. Though, do you trust warriors, defenders, from the military and police forces, or do you trust other sources, regarding security issues?
[Perspective is hinky. Click the poster to enbiggen.]
Think, people. Plan. Don't just sit there. This isn't just going to blow over.
Okay, to the pool.
.
.
I'm going to have to push it. I've been up... ... I've been up... all night? But when did I get up? Was it 3:00, or 19:30, or 0:00? Wow. I just don't know. Basically, this is bedtime. But unlike Monday I don't have to push it so late if I can get going. I have no idea how this is working. Actually, it isn't working, it just happens to work out. My sleep isn't on a schedule, it's on a sliding scale, but one without numbers or measures.
I haven't heard back when my next lesson is yet. But this time I want to have some shine to my swimming. What I need at least as much as practice in what she has taught is a much healthier constitution, wind. Only getting in there and kicking it out will provide that. It isn't to impress her. She works with real athletes, triathlon types. Her husband is a college football coach. And my guess she is an athlete, whether competing currently or not, she stays very fit. No, not to impress, merely to use the resource she is to my best. I do need to get fit, too. Hard, fast, as fast as I can. She can't help me if I am choking every half lap. And I was gasping this last time.
It's raining today. No problems there. Unlike a week ago, it doesn't have that cold feel to it. It is spring. It feels like it. A little sun would be nice, but for now this will do. It looks like, if the weathermen can be believed, it will be clear enough Friday, but as the rain clears out the cold comes in. If that is the case I will see what else my friend would rather do. He really isn't into rain or cold. Eventually we will get to the range.
Alright. You really want to know who triggered this latest rant? Me. After having been questioned so harshly recently, several times, by others, I kept digging. I couldn't stop. I have my own doubts about things. As I have said, I simply don't... know... not for sure. I had to go over things. I had to allow for... those doubts. I had to kick the tires, sound things out. In the end? I've got what I've got, some of my memory is soft, some of it is solid. Some of each are verified, some of each type of memory has no paperwork. As to being delusional? Who isn't to a degree. Who isn't just plain wrong on some things? But, as I suggested, if I am delusional I would not be able to see it. In the end, without... testing, or feedback, or... something... I simply don't even know that. I suspect, but then I would suspect. In the end, as I suggested, either you, or I, believe, or we don't. And, yeah, I believe, mostly. It's as good as I can do. I'll hit this spot from time to time. No matter how solid we believe ourselves to be, we are walking in bigger or littler circles. Even if you go straight, if you don't stop, eventually, by the nature of the earth's geometry, you will end up where you started, physically and metaphorically. At least I am not considering ending the blog, innit?
While I am going through the deep analysis I hit a lot of potholes. Do you realize how many things I have done that, now, bring me great shame? Even things that were innocent, like missing a woman making a pass at me... if I was 14 at the time doesn't matter. I had already had four lovers by then, I still don't know how I missed it. She was pissed, too. I think someone needed attention and wasn't going to get any for a while after the missed opportunity. Then again, something about bold women not being taken seriously sets some of them off, especially damaged goods. Some of it wasn't so innocent. Some of it was little, some of it huge. There is so much, even in the life of a cripple, to find shame regarding. While I have given this over to Christ, I keep just enough, and mean to, in order to hopefully not repeat the worst of it. But I need to take care, much like eating blow fish soup. Thin, boy, shave that real thin. It's poison to the soul otherwise. Same with doubts. But I have to check, I have to organize these things, I have to deal with it. I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane, that checking. Like a blind man with ptsd who checks the door locks but can't see so always has just a little bit of doubt, and might check them twice, both by feel and attempting to open the door as well. Eventually you learn to trust, a bit, until the next attack, internal or external. Even then, you don't know if they picked the lock or you forgot to lock the door. If the problem is just your fear, you just go through it until it passes. It is what it is.
Well, on to swimming.
.
I'm going to have to push it. I've been up... ... I've been up... all night? But when did I get up? Was it 3:00, or 19:30, or 0:00? Wow. I just don't know. Basically, this is bedtime. But unlike Monday I don't have to push it so late if I can get going. I have no idea how this is working. Actually, it isn't working, it just happens to work out. My sleep isn't on a schedule, it's on a sliding scale, but one without numbers or measures.
I haven't heard back when my next lesson is yet. But this time I want to have some shine to my swimming. What I need at least as much as practice in what she has taught is a much healthier constitution, wind. Only getting in there and kicking it out will provide that. It isn't to impress her. She works with real athletes, triathlon types. Her husband is a college football coach. And my guess she is an athlete, whether competing currently or not, she stays very fit. No, not to impress, merely to use the resource she is to my best. I do need to get fit, too. Hard, fast, as fast as I can. She can't help me if I am choking every half lap. And I was gasping this last time.
It's raining today. No problems there. Unlike a week ago, it doesn't have that cold feel to it. It is spring. It feels like it. A little sun would be nice, but for now this will do. It looks like, if the weathermen can be believed, it will be clear enough Friday, but as the rain clears out the cold comes in. If that is the case I will see what else my friend would rather do. He really isn't into rain or cold. Eventually we will get to the range.
Alright. You really want to know who triggered this latest rant? Me. After having been questioned so harshly recently, several times, by others, I kept digging. I couldn't stop. I have my own doubts about things. As I have said, I simply don't... know... not for sure. I had to go over things. I had to allow for... those doubts. I had to kick the tires, sound things out. In the end? I've got what I've got, some of my memory is soft, some of it is solid. Some of each are verified, some of each type of memory has no paperwork. As to being delusional? Who isn't to a degree. Who isn't just plain wrong on some things? But, as I suggested, if I am delusional I would not be able to see it. In the end, without... testing, or feedback, or... something... I simply don't even know that. I suspect, but then I would suspect. In the end, as I suggested, either you, or I, believe, or we don't. And, yeah, I believe, mostly. It's as good as I can do. I'll hit this spot from time to time. No matter how solid we believe ourselves to be, we are walking in bigger or littler circles. Even if you go straight, if you don't stop, eventually, by the nature of the earth's geometry, you will end up where you started, physically and metaphorically. At least I am not considering ending the blog, innit?
While I am going through the deep analysis I hit a lot of potholes. Do you realize how many things I have done that, now, bring me great shame? Even things that were innocent, like missing a woman making a pass at me... if I was 14 at the time doesn't matter. I had already had four lovers by then, I still don't know how I missed it. She was pissed, too. I think someone needed attention and wasn't going to get any for a while after the missed opportunity. Then again, something about bold women not being taken seriously sets some of them off, especially damaged goods. Some of it wasn't so innocent. Some of it was little, some of it huge. There is so much, even in the life of a cripple, to find shame regarding. While I have given this over to Christ, I keep just enough, and mean to, in order to hopefully not repeat the worst of it. But I need to take care, much like eating blow fish soup. Thin, boy, shave that real thin. It's poison to the soul otherwise. Same with doubts. But I have to check, I have to organize these things, I have to deal with it. I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane, that checking. Like a blind man with ptsd who checks the door locks but can't see so always has just a little bit of doubt, and might check them twice, both by feel and attempting to open the door as well. Eventually you learn to trust, a bit, until the next attack, internal or external. Even then, you don't know if they picked the lock or you forgot to lock the door. If the problem is just your fear, you just go through it until it passes. It is what it is.
Well, on to swimming.
Leftward bound!
.
.
I see the Republican "leadership" has decided to tack. Left. I honestly think they have decided to end bipartisanship. From the recommendations for the next election, to include being pro "gay marriage", to immigration reform that at least creates a pathway to citizenship, to "minority outreach", to God only knows what else at this point, and on to Boehner's trusted new love interest, I can't see how anything could go wrong. Pucker up, Sweet Pea, this hot iron is for you.
h/t Legal Insurrection
Oh, that's going to smart, for someone. Were I you, still a Republican that is, I would at least change my registration. Writing these folks isn't going to get you anywhere. Now, if you change your registration (to Independent would be my bet, or other), then write them a letter, in enough numbers? They still won't care. As they have shown in the last four election cycles, their choices are their first choice, but the Democrat choices are next. You aren't on the list of their concerns. Remember, the tail wags the dog, so be a good dog is all they will tell you. The tail is otherwise busy wagging you. Wagging? What doesn't rhyme with wagging but is against everything you believe? Ah, I'll leave you to fill in that blank.
Man, I need to get out of here. Swimming... tomorrow. Definitely got to get in there.
.
I see the Republican "leadership" has decided to tack. Left. I honestly think they have decided to end bipartisanship. From the recommendations for the next election, to include being pro "gay marriage", to immigration reform that at least creates a pathway to citizenship, to "minority outreach", to God only knows what else at this point, and on to Boehner's trusted new love interest, I can't see how anything could go wrong. Pucker up, Sweet Pea, this hot iron is for you.
Oh, that's going to smart, for someone. Were I you, still a Republican that is, I would at least change my registration. Writing these folks isn't going to get you anywhere. Now, if you change your registration (to Independent would be my bet, or other), then write them a letter, in enough numbers? They still won't care. As they have shown in the last four election cycles, their choices are their first choice, but the Democrat choices are next. You aren't on the list of their concerns. Remember, the tail wags the dog, so be a good dog is all they will tell you. The tail is otherwise busy wagging you. Wagging? What doesn't rhyme with wagging but is against everything you believe? Ah, I'll leave you to fill in that blank.
Man, I need to get out of here. Swimming... tomorrow. Definitely got to get in there.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Why men don't seek help, and shouldn't.
.
.
I read an article today. A veteran and cop, in Chicago, decided to end his life. May he rest in peace. Whether war or simply being a cop in one of the most brutal cities in America created then intensified the issue, I can't say. My first five years, and really ten, out of the service where rotten on top of the heart issues. I do know what he was going through. And the time I used a gun it failed to fire, so I even know that. When a guy dies, there is all this hand-wringing about, if he had just asked for help. Or, if only we had seen it.
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I read an article today. A veteran and cop, in Chicago, decided to end his life. May he rest in peace. Whether war or simply being a cop in one of the most brutal cities in America created then intensified the issue, I can't say. My first five years, and really ten, out of the service where rotten on top of the heart issues. I do know what he was going through. And the time I used a gun it failed to fire, so I even know that. When a guy dies, there is all this hand-wringing about, if he had just asked for help. Or, if only we had seen it.
Okay, fine. You want to tell me the truth.
.
.
You want to tell me that it is okay. I may, from what you have heard, read, and seen, not even be a has been. From what you have researched, I'm a never-was. Okay. And then you want to tell me that my notions of who I was, or even am, is a complete fraud. Okay. You want to tell me I probably haven't turned the corner, healthwise, that I am just deluding myself. Okay. You feel the need to tell me that I am not attractive to women, those reactions I am sensing are sympathy, not attraction. Okay. You want to tell me that my visions and such are, well, beyond delusional. That is fine. Spit it out. Say it. SAY IT! Now, that didn't hurt, did it?
.
You want to tell me that it is okay. I may, from what you have heard, read, and seen, not even be a has been. From what you have researched, I'm a never-was. Okay. And then you want to tell me that my notions of who I was, or even am, is a complete fraud. Okay. You want to tell me I probably haven't turned the corner, healthwise, that I am just deluding myself. Okay. You feel the need to tell me that I am not attractive to women, those reactions I am sensing are sympathy, not attraction. Okay. You want to tell me that my visions and such are, well, beyond delusional. That is fine. Spit it out. Say it. SAY IT! Now, that didn't hurt, did it?
Monday, March 18, 2013
Swimming, finally.
.
.
It was a bit brutal. Remember, I am coming at days from the hind end, meaning the nearly 14:00 appointment would be like you, right as you have stretched your day two to four hours past bedtime, going in to be coached in any active sport in a physically demanding way. Beyond not being in the pool much since our first session and the lateness visa vie my day, it was brutal. Still, there are things I seem to be understanding, and just getting. Being this tired, on multiple fronts, made it difficult for me to capture what she was saying, then implementing it. I still get the feeling that I am actually zooming along... if perfection is not to be had yet. I get one thing, and another thing slips. Or I become tired and fall out on all counts for a bit. Never to worry, I will keep trying and I will get there.
After swimming I remembered to pick up my jacket. Technically, it was supposed to have been ready the 1st. Yeah, so, okay, I was running a bit late. I then called my friend, brought him something he wanted, looked over his new, completed, tightened pistols and talked for a bit. If weather holds, and my day schedule, we might get out to the range some time this week. If the weather doesn't hold but my schedule does I will simply take a movie to watch.
That was that. I couldn't stay long, and I couldn't do another thing. I kept nodding off on the way home. I NEVER do that. I wanted to check the mail. As I said though, there was nothing left in me to use to do that. I am just waiting on supper, then I am going to sleep a good long hard time, I hope.
Good night.
.
It was a bit brutal. Remember, I am coming at days from the hind end, meaning the nearly 14:00 appointment would be like you, right as you have stretched your day two to four hours past bedtime, going in to be coached in any active sport in a physically demanding way. Beyond not being in the pool much since our first session and the lateness visa vie my day, it was brutal. Still, there are things I seem to be understanding, and just getting. Being this tired, on multiple fronts, made it difficult for me to capture what she was saying, then implementing it. I still get the feeling that I am actually zooming along... if perfection is not to be had yet. I get one thing, and another thing slips. Or I become tired and fall out on all counts for a bit. Never to worry, I will keep trying and I will get there.
After swimming I remembered to pick up my jacket. Technically, it was supposed to have been ready the 1st. Yeah, so, okay, I was running a bit late. I then called my friend, brought him something he wanted, looked over his new, completed, tightened pistols and talked for a bit. If weather holds, and my day schedule, we might get out to the range some time this week. If the weather doesn't hold but my schedule does I will simply take a movie to watch.
That was that. I couldn't stay long, and I couldn't do another thing. I kept nodding off on the way home. I NEVER do that. I wanted to check the mail. As I said though, there was nothing left in me to use to do that. I am just waiting on supper, then I am going to sleep a good long hard time, I hope.
Good night.
Okay, so days are sneaking around the other way.
.
.
I kept trying to turn back the clock. I was so focused on it that I lost track of... well... the big picture. It seems that somehow I am now simply staying up, rather than waking up, into the wanted time zone. I hadn't given up, if I have been taking a breather from concern, give or take, for the last few days. It truly is an awesome undertaking, for me, at times, to try to push a schedule around. I had simply run out of energy for a few days there. What was it about a broken clock being right twice a day? Further, as I said, I am still feeling good. It isn't like I had a real down, if I was spending most of my energy pushing to stay awake, or wake up, or such. Nothing else was done.
Which means, with just the tiniest amount of luck, I should be to my swimming lesson today. I haven't put much into what I was taught the last lesson, other than thinking about it quite a bit. I will just have to face the consequences and see what she thinks I can or need to focus on today. I have trimmed my whiskers and will be getting in for a shower shortly. That should leave plenty of air dry time and mellow time before needing to be in to town. I should even have enough time to track down my air pump. I think, after looking at the attachment needed to use my pump for the balance (or exercise) ball, that my pump has one of those attached to it, came with it if I didn't know what it was for at the time of purchase. I just need to find it. Bleh...
I signed up for sitemeter, to see if stats would be a little clearer. I have allowed the site for cookies and such. Nothing. I am getting reports, but they are coming back with no visitors. I get weekly reports. What gives? Further, the site didn't let me create a password and it won't let me log in or otherwise change my password. I have no idea what is up with that, but might give it another go this morning.
Medicine has been going down like clockwork. I haven't been checking stats or weight because my days and sleep cycles have been so messed up. Sleeping as little as six hours or staying up a day and a half, trying to force a change, simply hasn't left me in a place where routines can be grounded, or would even be... correct. Perhaps, now, if my schedule is coming back into normalcy, I can get back into tracking things. I consider these slips as quite minor, in the big and even little picture. As I have suggested, these times are better than much of my best times since my early 20's. Only when I was drinking heavily was life a bit better somehow. I'm not sure why, but alcohol did help, if it came with it's own set of problems. Side effects, always those side effects.
Thankfully alcoholism and domestic abuse were not a part of them. I never could quite figure out why some guys hit their women, drunk or sober. A case, a fifth of vodka, and a fifth of Yukon and my then woman never feared me. The woman would laugh at me when I was stupid, even! While I was drunk! To my face! Oh, I would get angry, too, sober or drunk. But anger doesn't translate to violence for me. She wasn't a teetotaler, but two or three drinks a night was it. And she drank so as to not get inebriated. I was always grateful that she didn't fear me, or fear me doing something wrong... unprovoked... to others. It's good to be trusted by your woman at all times... uhrm, regarding violence. She knew what I was otherwise and there was a lot of play in certain... allowances. It's good to think that, at least for my part and if I wouldn't always explain it to any new woman, she could trust me implicitly, on all matters. The play now would be... Game. Then again a woman doesn't truly love a man she doesn't think other women would want, innit.
Oh! Trash. Now that I am caught up on that, I won't feel guilty about putting it out. Good day and later, maybe.
.
I kept trying to turn back the clock. I was so focused on it that I lost track of... well... the big picture. It seems that somehow I am now simply staying up, rather than waking up, into the wanted time zone. I hadn't given up, if I have been taking a breather from concern, give or take, for the last few days. It truly is an awesome undertaking, for me, at times, to try to push a schedule around. I had simply run out of energy for a few days there. What was it about a broken clock being right twice a day? Further, as I said, I am still feeling good. It isn't like I had a real down, if I was spending most of my energy pushing to stay awake, or wake up, or such. Nothing else was done.
Which means, with just the tiniest amount of luck, I should be to my swimming lesson today. I haven't put much into what I was taught the last lesson, other than thinking about it quite a bit. I will just have to face the consequences and see what she thinks I can or need to focus on today. I have trimmed my whiskers and will be getting in for a shower shortly. That should leave plenty of air dry time and mellow time before needing to be in to town. I should even have enough time to track down my air pump. I think, after looking at the attachment needed to use my pump for the balance (or exercise) ball, that my pump has one of those attached to it, came with it if I didn't know what it was for at the time of purchase. I just need to find it. Bleh...
I signed up for sitemeter, to see if stats would be a little clearer. I have allowed the site for cookies and such. Nothing. I am getting reports, but they are coming back with no visitors. I get weekly reports. What gives? Further, the site didn't let me create a password and it won't let me log in or otherwise change my password. I have no idea what is up with that, but might give it another go this morning.
Medicine has been going down like clockwork. I haven't been checking stats or weight because my days and sleep cycles have been so messed up. Sleeping as little as six hours or staying up a day and a half, trying to force a change, simply hasn't left me in a place where routines can be grounded, or would even be... correct. Perhaps, now, if my schedule is coming back into normalcy, I can get back into tracking things. I consider these slips as quite minor, in the big and even little picture. As I have suggested, these times are better than much of my best times since my early 20's. Only when I was drinking heavily was life a bit better somehow. I'm not sure why, but alcohol did help, if it came with it's own set of problems. Side effects, always those side effects.
Thankfully alcoholism and domestic abuse were not a part of them. I never could quite figure out why some guys hit their women, drunk or sober. A case, a fifth of vodka, and a fifth of Yukon and my then woman never feared me. The woman would laugh at me when I was stupid, even! While I was drunk! To my face! Oh, I would get angry, too, sober or drunk. But anger doesn't translate to violence for me. She wasn't a teetotaler, but two or three drinks a night was it. And she drank so as to not get inebriated. I was always grateful that she didn't fear me, or fear me doing something wrong... unprovoked... to others. It's good to be trusted by your woman at all times... uhrm, regarding violence. She knew what I was otherwise and there was a lot of play in certain... allowances. It's good to think that, at least for my part and if I wouldn't always explain it to any new woman, she could trust me implicitly, on all matters. The play now would be... Game. Then again a woman doesn't truly love a man she doesn't think other women would want, innit.
Oh! Trash. Now that I am caught up on that, I won't feel guilty about putting it out. Good day and later, maybe.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Entertainment and then a bit about sight.
.
.
Now, while I have never taken someone hostage, mostly, I have certainly shaken a few people up. My mother was happy when I sold my Camaro SS and bought my new line of vehicles... if I still shake people up. The Xterra is the sports car of SUVs. I have seen wobbly knees when passengers have left my vehicle, thankfully though no threats to call the cops. I haven't seen... wait... that one cousin did kiss the ground after he got out. And I still hadn't put in a kill-switch for the ABS system. That reminds me, I need to get that done on the X'ter. It just helps with... some things at times. You can get around the ABS without a kill-switch, but that creates an odd technique and it isn't as solid. Enjoy... how to entertain with a cherry ride. Now, it looked like he endangered other drivers, which I really didn't do. Never the mind.
(can be watched at work)
.
Now, while I have never taken someone hostage, mostly, I have certainly shaken a few people up. My mother was happy when I sold my Camaro SS and bought my new line of vehicles... if I still shake people up. The Xterra is the sports car of SUVs. I have seen wobbly knees when passengers have left my vehicle, thankfully though no threats to call the cops. I haven't seen... wait... that one cousin did kiss the ground after he got out. And I still hadn't put in a kill-switch for the ABS system. That reminds me, I need to get that done on the X'ter. It just helps with... some things at times. You can get around the ABS without a kill-switch, but that creates an odd technique and it isn't as solid. Enjoy... how to entertain with a cherry ride. Now, it looked like he endangered other drivers, which I really didn't do. Never the mind.
(can be watched at work)
I've seen the butterflies.
.
.
Despite what some may judge, I will not be following orders, at least not those of men. I know that which many of you see, feel, and believe is false. It is not for me, or... not in the same way. I not only won't, I can't join you in oblivion.
(mild rock - could be watched at work)
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Despite what some may judge, I will not be following orders, at least not those of men. I know that which many of you see, feel, and believe is false. It is not for me, or... not in the same way. I not only won't, I can't join you in oblivion.
(mild rock - could be watched at work)
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