Bedtime.

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No more dreaming.  Mostly.  Echoes of dreams?  Something like that.

Twenty decibels.  That's... where whispers linger.  Here.

Eureka!

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Eureka?  Isn't that what they exclaim when they find what they were digging, or striking, or else, for?  Then that would be the word.  I have been digging in my lawn, to find pipe.  A three by three by two foot deep hole, finally this morning, finding pipe... or more, pipe near the pipe perpendicular to the ground... pipe probably connected to it somehow which then runs parallel to the ground.  I found it after getting two or three more levels of dirt and rock, broken and removed... inches at a time.  I'm not a young man.

However, the sun was cresting onto my work, and the sun and I are not friends in this way.  I had to call it off.  It has been the accumulation of four or five days, over the course of a week? Two?  Digging as much as I could until I was completely drained.  

Even now, seeing squiggly light shows and stars from the bit I did this morning.  But I... got excited, and began digging with abandon, in the hopes of completely exposing the pipe.  I kept piking, and digging, and piking, and... every shovel full just got backfilled, somehow, as if a mountain was resting on t he verge of my shoveling area!  It just wouldn't open!

Then the sun came out.  And rather than quit then and there, it is as if I became mad with a lust to uncover the pipe.  No.  No!  It just would not come out, come clean.  I dug for as long as I could, defying the sun to scorch me... which it probably did.  But the pipe would not come out, dirt just... multiplied, or seemed to, as it was loosened around the pipes.

It always takes me a bit to cool down.

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Another night of rounds.  It was tough.  Neither of us were exactly lively.  I burned myself out yesterday.  Even with the long sleep, it was difficult tonight.  He is just beginning to get ground down, by the heavy day work, and the additional night work.  To bed at 00:00~01:00, up at 06:30, working in ~90 for twelve hours, then driving around five hours at night?  Right.

His other job will begin tapering, in time.  He thought it might already have happened, but not so much.  Still, he holds his breath and... does his best.  Keeping him awake tonight was tricky.  Worse, I think he slept with his eyes open.  He thought they were closed, but they weren't.  It's what I look for.  I can't drive for him, so I just have to help keep him awake.

Me?  I'm just... a bit old, ill, out of shape, and weakening to the heat as summer continues.  I'll try, again, tomorrow, to get to work early.  If I can wake.  If not, then to get to work when I can, and just take the hit.  A few more logs to move, more twiggy branches, and a lot of smaller twigs to be loaded, as well, at some point, at least one unloading of the trailer into the greens collection.  Two if I could, though I don't think that is possible.

As well, in with the other work, I could pull the stacked wood, set up the cinder blocks, cut the medium limbs into lengths (setting aside those big enough to be split, then loading those into the wheelbarrow to me moved to the splitting station), and stack the ones small enough to be burned as is.

Oh, and I could put the hay stations on the rabbit cages.  Currently I simply have wood in there, they seem to chew well enough on.  I'd rather they get timothy hay, but... for now... this does and keeps their teeth growth in check.  Oh, and getting the last multi-cage installed would be good.

I would like to move one or both standing, open air, cages to a cooler spot, and move the finishing cage to a better spot.  Both for ease of access and to hopefully make them cooler for the critters.  I have cleared the wood, so that they can be moved.  Mostly.  But I can't move them myself.  They are far too heavy and bulky for one to even drag them.  Even a near giant one.  I have great strength, and more, just no stamina... or... currently, yet.  If I keep pounding my head into the wall, will that help?  I... it... hasn't yet.  But, maybe.  I've been doing it for thirty years.  Why would I stop now?

Smiles.

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At least I can dream.

Never did get to sleep.

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I... just sat here.  I had things I wanted to do.  Plans, even, of what to start, how to get to things.  I went through hunger, a few times.  I had a kefir or two.  Some perrier.  Maybe a handful of nuts, pecans I think.  I... tried to game.  I just couldn't stay awake... interested.

I think I mostly just... looked and listened to the internet offerings.  Still hurt, but if I didn't move, I could forget, for a while.  It has to be nearing bedtime?  The temp, outside, is around 68... if I read correctly.  Cooler than inside, but it has been that since... that one post, where I suggested it was 74 out there.

I did get caught up on medicine, finally.  Yes, I missed my catchup from yesterday, by forgetting to take the final bedtime medicine, as I had the day before.  Not today.  Oh, and... I thought I had missed some of the things being dug up or inferred.  I won't play them all, but... an interesting mix.

Probably just an old fan, kicking around, looking for something, sensing something.  But they made sense to me.  Not... just for, or about, me.  Yea, sure, there is some of that.  But they seem to be putting together a notion of their own, possibly having nothing to do with me at all?  Who knows.  I just... recognized patterns, and felt... something was being... explored.  Perhaps my notes on the topic, and figuring it more surely through the music.  Doesn't mean they agree, or disagree.  Only... maybe... looking the story over?  I... I really don't every know for sure.  Could just be the ai spitting out really old, odd, or... something... music.  Still, it makes a sort of sense to me.  

Here you go, with some of them.  Later.

People are so... different.

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I was recently speaking about dreams.  I have written about them here, long ago, probably lost in the texts of Doom.  A few quaint, to me, notions.

Have you dreamed a whole lifetime?  I have.  I spoke of a time I dreamed my life to forty years of age, roughly.  I didn't remember every last moment, but I dreamed I lived them.  I remembered as much of that life as I remember this life, if this life has been longer... and I have memory problems.  Still, the idea is similar.

He thought that was... odd.  The look, on his face, more than anything he said.

I told him I have dreamed of flying.  I used to have nightmares of falling.  They terrorized my childhood.  Sometimes leading to me falling out of a bunkbed?  Or was I pulled out, by someone or some thing?  I never knew.  But I did end up on the floor many times.  Who knows what happens, in the dark, as a child.

I learned to dream to prevent that horror.  I didn't mention that I learned  to fly through steel, bending four to six inch plates in my way.  Not pridefully, accidentally, at first.  I still avoided steel plates when possible, but sometimes I had no choice.

I told him I learned to change my dreams.  To alter them.  I am aware I am dreaming, pretty much always.  I didn't tell him that last part.  I did tell him that I started learning to control my dreams in order to change a specific group of dreams.  I didn't tell him which ones, but it was the ones in which some of my people die in combat.  Since I was... never in combat(?)... I... didn't want to dream about that.  Those are the only dreams I can't, yet, change.  I have learned to see more, if I'm not sure the new material is original.  As for true?  I... just wish I could change them.  I can't even stop those dreams, or not quickly.  At least, now, I know I am dreaming when they happen.

A good morning.

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I can't be certain when I went to bed.  I think it was around 17:00, maybe as much as an half hour past.  It wasn't 18:00, at least a quarter away.  But it might have been just a few minutes after 17:00.  My memory became... problematic.  Though too, and again, after resetting it correctly, it looks like my alarm clock, upstairs, is back on central time.  Though was it that way last night, and whether that was the clock I used as reference, are both questions to which I simply don't know the answer.

Sleep was good.  I woke at what I thought was a bit after three.  Central time, or eastern time?  It is 02:48, actual time.  I am not sure how long it took me to actually wake, figure out clothing, and shoes, and... I... spent a lot of time waking and getting up and going.  But, no, I think... it was just, probably, all within an half hour.  Gah!

Sleep was good.  Woke several times not remembering quite where I was.  Idaho?  New York City?  Iowa?  On a destroyer, a sub?  I could tell, after a short listen, that it wasn't NYC.  Though, in these days?  Maybe it is a dead city?  Or does it ever die?  Perhaps only in the mausoleums the rich inhabit, and those neighborhoods?  At least until the hood comes for them in bulk.  I am not sure I ever sorted out where I was?  Maybe.  I just don't remember getting to that point.  I think I was asking out loud, in case a woman was around.  Waiting for a possible, sleepy, woman's voice, asking "Hmm?  What's up babe?".

Downstairs and upstairs is all around 70.  I think, oddly, it was warmer near me.  Windows were closed, but a fan on.  Just upstairs, on me.  It was 73 near me.  it is 45 outside.  Not too cool to enjoy, actually.  So I opened the front door just a bit, and have a fan going in the front room, to balance me, the machine, router, and light.  Staying right at 70.

I still have two jackets hung out.  Those are thick hefty material, and layered of it.  More cold fall through colder spring items, which will be put up after washing.  I have my synthetics ready to go out on the line in a bit.  Don't really want to do it in the dark.  Not afraid of the dark, that is... one of my claimed zones.  It's more a matter of not wishing to hang things wrong.  I will be trying to figure out how best to hang things so the seems are right, and they fold well.  I need to see to do this thing correctly.  Maybe when I have developed a best practice, then I can do it in the dark.

Still very pleased with the chicks.  Maybe some will make it, maybe none.  Life isn't in my hands.  Neither is death.  Not fully, or in very many ways.  For life, there must be death, of course.  But, for whom the bell tolls?  That is not within my purview, even when it seems to be.  Even God, in a dream, told me death is not preferred.  A whispered thing.  A thing I took to heart.  I... didn't like the restraint, initially.  Does He know with whom He was speaking?  Yes, and probably better than I know.  So be it.  I have come to... if not understand?  To... cope with, or... accept, perhaps even rationalize.  If He asks it, then so be it, as far as I am able.  Hey!  I thought I was Cain!  :p

I didn't get dishes started.  But I will today.  One thing at a time, as much as I can do, and at it.  I did get laundry not only, I think, all loads possible in and done, most dried, and much of it upstairs to be finally sorted, folded, hung, but towels folded and mostly away, and... a very good run on those.  Took all day, small batches, when and what I could do.  Hanging the coats about busted my balls, but... And the towels, when I hung those.  Ugh.  Still, it's all a start.

The hope is to finish dishes, then begin clearing and cleaning.  I have the counters in half decent shape.  They and the cooktop need a more thorough clearing and cleaning, but are so-so to start.  Then to hit the table, and get to where I can begin sharpening blades, and maybe having my meals, and doing business, out there, on that.  Well, and finishing the bathroom.  

I would like to get the bathroom to absolute spic and span cleanliness, then keep it that way.  I have been keeping the toilet, and sink, really well... once I figured out how to get the sink clean.  The tub is clean, but needs sorting a bit.  Ugh.  One thing at a time, but getting there.  I wonder if if it is plastic, from the base of the plastic tub I use as a wash basin.  Perhaps, with very hot water, it melts a bit onto the porcelain in the cast tub?  Anyway...

Well... that's that, for now.  Milk should be showing up today.  Five gallons, and cream.  Yes, I am going through that much milk, turning it into kefir.  I may have to add one more jug.  I am also practicing to see if the jars do better with the lids tight, or loosened a bit.  

For the vinegar, yes that is still a thing, it works far better to shut and tighten the lids.  If I leave them a little open, white potentially mold begins to settle on top.  As well, I have found that if any fruit begins to come to the surface?  Remove it.  But with a water fill, NOT with a spoon.  Swirl too.  A spoon may be handy if the stuff has gotten to the sides, at the top, and is clinging.  

The last few days, after flushing the mold very well and consistently, twice a day, have been mold free... with the lids cranked down.  Not airtight lids, but... I'm not sure that is wise either.  Anything forming at the top gets dumped, then rinsed, and replaced with fresh water.  It is beginning to do well.

I suspect the water kefir should be changed.  One last dumping of it all?  Or this and next time?  Then on to getting that going for real, and beginning to bottle it in those swing top, old time soda bottles.  A little fruit in with them, as they second ferment on the counter for a day, then into the fridge for a couple of days.  Headspace and a little caution are your friends in these processes.

Well... enough about all that.  Good morning and good day.

Still pretty cool out there.

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Up nine points, to 41, just a bit before 08:00.  I had to close the windows.  The cold was getting into the house.  It had dropped from 68 when I came down to 65.  Very strange, those windows had been open all night already.  Maybe morning air movement was bringing it in, but I didn't feel that.  Just, of a sudden, a sudden frigid environment.

Someone is visiting very old posts.  I'm never sure why.  Just as stories?  Is there some understanding, belief, or the want of such?  I never can tell why.  Some of those stories bring back rather strong memories.  Nancy, Shelly before her, the pressures of chastity when... I didn't know better, of my own accord.  I simply knew that... some things weren't allowed by civil society, in spite of almost being pushed by it?  The confusion as lies build up and pregnancies can happen.  It's all a trap, and, yet, not.  It just seemed, doing the right thing, or the wrong thing, made me the bad guy.  Even by the bad guy who became the good guy who... wanted me to be the bad guy.  I was the bad guy, I just... didn't want to... make babies, quite yet.

Other memories, thoughts.  Someone is digging.  Dreams, which... may or may not have anything to do with a past I don't remember.  Dreams, of course, always have elements of fiction, or often can.  But... not always.  And, not always the one some suspect.  I account my dreams as well as I may.  Even if I know something in the dream is not accurate to life, I write it as I dreamed it, not as I know it.  And I pretty much stick to the script, even if I don't like the script.  The dream isn't mine to alter.

But very strange what is being picked to review.  All good.  I do see that my blog, like myself, is slowly dying.  I'm not sure which will hit bottom first.  Probably the blog.  I am not even certain it is being allowed visibility, if I do my part in that.  I think other parties make even a direct search difficult.  If one doesn't have a link to a post by which to enter, access may not be easily made.  My guess, then, is this is an old timer.

Secret King

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I have heard that used as an accusation.  I... had to laugh.

There is... no secret about it.  As a child of God, which even the darker amongst us may be, there are none but kings.  Urhm, save for the queens.   And, no, if you have to try to get the law to push others to call you that, you... aren't a queen, or king.  Meh.  Those who are not viable sons of God, or who are on a path other than to Rome, are not kings.  Perhaps some may never go that way.  Christ said He was here for the many, not most, certainly not all.  What "the many" means is... for Him to sort.  Though... we can speculate.

I won't speculate, not this time, in this moment, for this post.

A secret winner, then, I am told.  I... did laugh.  There has never been a time I am a secret winner.  Sometimes I do win, but... don't share.  Why bother.  Either do, or do not.  Can I be wrong?  I hope so.  Anyone who thinks they are right all of the time, probably even most of the time, is... seeking headaches beyond their capacity to ameliorate.  Not the exact correct term, but with historic meaning.  For one.  But, that isn't important either.  Remember, Christ won it all by dying.  So... winning... is sort of a tricky thing... assuming you believe.  I think many fail to believe because they can't see victory in the grave.  Fair enough, for animals.  

Further, and to be honest, I... avoid the idea of winning.  Not that I am not competitive.  Not that I don't care about "being right, or correct, or such".  More that, winning, in a world of sin, is a thing of pride.  No heaven can Lucifer show me is greater than my pride.  Watch this thing.  Still, it's more.  It is also because winning, for my sake, on my terms... there is nothing that turns my blood cold and causes more trepidation.  Oh, it could happen.  And I'd regret it only slightly less than Satan regrets his choices, even if zit can't change them.  No no, His will, or nothing.  I'd rather be a humble mouse than a worldly victor.  Or, more, a victor within my will, my way.

I pray I don't win, not too consistently.  Even in my best natured attempts, of my own, I will fail, fall.  All that is good, in or from me, falls from the tree of the One Who made me.  To my own devices, I am, currently, of sin.  Fallen.  Whether man, nephilim, or child of djinn.  Yes, I know... of those, too.  Or, their possibility.

If I am to win, while it won't be secret, neither will it be my doing.  It will be a grace, by doing His will.  The Father's.  For now.  And just how well do I do that?  I can't even perfectly take my medicine, or eat and drink so that my illnesses are controlled, no matter how well I try.  So... doing God's will?  I can't even know His will, not fully.  But that is my absolute intention.

Dinner and thoughts.

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The leftover pork roast, with the canned beefy mushroom sauce was... quite good.  Would have worked well with the hamburger, with a beef roast, or much else.  I am very happy with that purchase.  I'll just have to see how well, over time, it works with blood sugar.  I am having a beastly time controlling blood sugar, even really eating rightly.  

As a fact, in spite of dosing, just eating kefir (which had been fermented two full days at 75 plus, and in the fridge for three days so should have been solidly beyond having much lactose), and dosing (15 cc's of fast acting insulin), my blood sugar was 264!  The only other thing I consumed was flavored and plain perrier.  Could "natural flavors" be triggering an insulin response?  I have pH strips on order, for next month.  That will help me make sure.  Still, as sour as I like it, it should be nearly out of milk sugar.  Gah!

Anyway...  I best get up, open up the upstairs, soon.

An understanding, a tech solution, an answer, and a problem.

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Sleep was good, when I finally could sleep.  What time?  Uhrm, it was around... well... after 05:00.  Anywhere from then to 09:00, I think.  Later?  Not earlier.  I think closer to the start potential to a few hours after.  I... tried to remember.  I can't recall.  I woke around 17:00~17:30, probably about in the middle.  I tried to sleep before, it just didn't work.

It is 70 outside, and nearly that inside.  The furnace is off, so that doesn't make sense.  It is heavily overcast outside, but doesn't look like we received any rain from it.  Thanks, China.  I opened everything up.  While it is warmer out there, there is a breeze coming through which is much cooler.  It was down to at least 30 last night.  That is a rather large jump in temps.  But... all good.

The understanding?  ~  Forgot.  Maybe later.

The tech solution?  Well?  I noticed my fingertips no longer hurt.  I had to think, for a second, as I was taking blood sugar this morning.  It was 217, by t he way, after getting to 101, stably, last night.  Bleh.  The thing is, the new glucometer really does take a LOT less blood.  I don't need to press my fingers for larger drops for hungrier devices... test strips really.  So?  So my finger tips aren't have blood forced through holes, it just oozes out, mostly on it's own.  A win.

The answer?  Why so tired.  I... thought I had acclimated to medicine?  Oh, have started the new medicine, but... to what I am on so far.  Reminds me, I need to call about the medicine.  Bleh.  But... again... why so tired!  It has warmed up, mostly, and is mostly stable in any case.  So... why?  Ah!  I used to drink one to four gallons of highly caffeinated tea.  I haven't had a drop, mostly, in... weeks, or a month now?  I... may have to add a cup of instant joe or two a day.  Yes, I think so.

The problem.  ~  Forgot.  Maybe later.  I... had the list of four, then, as writing... they... disappeared into the dark blue nether.  Maybe later.  If I recall, I will amend.  Troublesome memory, mostly in the morning.  Coffee!?!

Something new sometimes works out.

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Something about her... though.

She caused memories.  Of various sorts.

One, then the other.

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Sometimes they just pop.  One works, then next shows up, and a final one just because... if the colors were right as well.  Nothing spooky, mostly.

Ouch, again.

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I wasn't sure I'd make it to the shower.  So tired, everything hurt.  But... the way was clear.  Even if I was seeing stars, I... wanted this finished.  So... in I went.  I had taken anacin about an half hour beforehand.  Between the painkillers and shower, my body eased into a really nice state.  Almost... comfortable!  I... haven't had that in a while.  Very, very, nice.

So... I... put the dishes not yet washed in for a soak.  Two small dishpans of them, plus a pot on it's own.  I wouldn't call the dishpans full, though flatware and cooking utensils are a pain in the nuisance, and there are many.  Still, not close to full.  After, I thought I could refill the waterers, if I didn't think I would get to the bottles.

Once I started with the waterers, however, I knew I would fill the bottles.  There was something... relaxing to it?  Well, just knowing I had one less medium job on my list, two if you count both.  So, yes, done.  And I changed the girls' water.  I had gotten fresh just then.

I decided to give the ducks a watering.  And fed them.  They seem hungrier.  Though, too, summer birds are eating their food.  I may have to see about a food device that is difficult of else to use?  After coming in, I decided to sort clothing... for laundering.  I went ahead and started a load, laundry that won't go out on the line.

So... yes.  I... did very well.  Of course, now, all the pain I had eased is back.  And a few new ones.  How is that right?  Oh, never mind.  If it weren't for pain, I couldn't, occasionally, focus?  I wouldn't have a cause to live?  Something.  My hair is almost dry.  I don't want to learn devices, so... I'll just sit here a bit, and let it finish.  Too tired to stand anyway.  

Oh, and without insulin, blood sugar is 199.  It is about a hundred below where it started this morning... last night to you.  I have been eating, if not much.  And only drinking kefir and perrier.  I am hoping to cut that, in time, even from the little I am drinking.  But, for now, I'll indulge as my life takes new form... on medicine and else.

Now I can say good night.  And... it is night.  Nice.  Good night.

What are you doing on my porch?

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Who are you?  Though, I... suspect I know.  Walk with care, here.

Women.

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Feeling better.  Anacin probably helped.  Well, when it is taken it has that chance.

Lungs are almost sore.  The hands can be, from time to time.  Kidneys and other innards bother, from time to time.  Most things, however, have become tame, occasional, and mild.  It's... almost boring.  Which... I might add... is a very fine thing.  Yes indeedy.  I... can live with boring, for a while, in... case anyone who has power might have thought differently, wrongly.  Just... a way with words!

Yes, well, now that that is cleared...

I did get some food in.  I took some of the trash out.  I will be checking rabbit waterers soon, and putting the ducks in.  I had a meal, still digesting.  Almost painfully full.  Burger and beans.  Blood sugar was slightly high, but I have been eating burgers and beans for days now, and had a sandwich when we were out the other day.

As soon as my stomach feels a slight bit less full, I will begin with chores and else.  Last I looked, it was 40 out.  I have closed the house back down, turning on the furnace as well.  Beyond chores, I am hoping to get more trash... the rest of it... gathered and out.  Then a shower.  If so, I am really hoping to put dirty pots, pans, and flatware into the pool, perhaps starting a load of laundry?  At least setting laundry up for tomorrow.

I seem to have a reasonable amount of money left.  I will hold onto that for now, as well as possible.  If I can begin saving, I need to begin accruing quotes for an electrical system fix.  That is required before messing with a new furnace, definitely before considering ac.  I don't think any more stimulus is coming, but if so, I could put two and most of one together to get that done.  One can hope.

An appointment tomorrow... by phone.  I will have to get in, to get a blood test... a bunch of them... soon.  Beyond?  I'll have to see about various function testing... liver, kidney, heart... and any other problems they know about or should.  Probably some sort of diabetes level as well?  Then I need a full readout, in easy to understand terms... for me at least.  That will require, minimally, a lot of blood testing.

Anyway... I'll try to get to a few things, before long, then to bed.  Keeping my phone near, and setting an alarm.  I'll keep my phone off, however, until the alarm... alarms... one of them as I'll probably need to set two given my sleep difficulties lately.  I hate being awaken by a phone call from a hacker, fraudster, or other such.

Hmm... a bit more time, then I'll see what I can get going.  The litter and trash which has been taken, and the airing out, sure helped freshen the place a bit.  Still needs more.  Maybe all yet tonight?  If I could just think... and stand for more than fifteen minutes!

They don't understand.

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Oh... I get that.  I didn't understand, once, at once, and more.

We all want to be right.  And, should we live in grace, we can live well... or even not such as me but... yet... live well even in our limits.  We may even live so well we may wish to require others to live rightly.  It... seems reasonable.  It... isn't.  Until He kills the mercy, mercy is required.

Mercy, patients, and other things.  Beyond us?  Such is living in a world of sin, especially if we reject this world.  Then again, if we reject this world as even Christ did, this is not his kingdom.  If it were?  If it were, there are none who could have kept His people from stopping His crucifixion.  He said it Himself.

They turned off the AI?

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Or are have they started rolling up the interwebs by 17:00?  

Things have certainly changed.  

Even so, someone got through.  A web of... thoughts.

Such powerful notions.

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There are at least two, looking, seeing, showing.  Or an AI?

The past, pride.  Losing, fighting, loving.  I... remember.  As do others.

Darkness for darkness?  Truth is, all darkness loses.  I know.

Not comfortable.

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I can't find a way to sit which doesn't cause pain.  It is mostly mild pain, but there are many points of pain.  Muscular, skeletal, organ, skin... which is an organ if most don't think of it as such, nerve.  It amazes me just how many places can consciously hurt, and how many places can hurt without seeming to be connected to anything else.

As mentioned, if it weren't for a learned faith in God, and a belief that life through suffering is a requirement, I would not be alive.  I would have continued attempting suicide until I was successful.  To be honest, I suffer less now.  I used to hurt every day.  Now it is two out of three days.  Sometimes the pain is day after day.  Sometimes I have weeks or even months of ease.

Oddly, it is being without pain for extended periods which is the worst.  I... know that pain is coming back.  The longer I go without pain, the worse it will be when it returns.  I have also learned how to partially manage pain.  Which is probably why the pain seems less.  It isn't that I don't hurt every day, it is merely that I have learned to stifle some of it.

I am not sure all who understand as I do could refuse suicide?  They say God would not give what one cannot bear.  But there are a lot of suicides.  On the good side, I have learned how to enjoy some of life.  Even while suffering.  Not... always.  Today is one of the more difficult days.  It isn't even one of the most painful of days.  It is... the volume, variety, of pains which make it the worst.  As I suggested, many things hurt.

Never worry.  I will pray.  And I am grateful for the opportunity at salvation.  A chance I would not have received without the suffering?  Further, if suffering through a hard life pleases God, and acts as a testimony to His will... His will not mine... and the importance of life even a once blind man can see?  I am pleased to suffer.

Don't fret me.  Though a short prayer would always be welcome.  I don't need, or seek necessarily, release from these things.  Though, that God and the saints bolster me in my suffering?  Aye.  Well, and that my suffering pleases the Lord?  Or at least my willingness to suffer for life?  Yes.  And that my life in it, perhaps, is found pleasing through the sacrifice... of surrendering my will to live comfortably or die.  That I attempt what I believe is His will.

More.  If what I do shows the value of life, and doing God's will?  If you don't believe, I can't help you.  If you do, pray that I may continue.  Pray in any case, really.  If you aren't sure, then just pray for God's will to be done, without suggesting it.  I sure hurt today though.  And, yet, I... happily offer that.  Amen.