I've been awake for a while...

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Just didn't check in.  I may have looked around the web?  No, I don't think I did that, either.  I haven't started chores yet, but will, soon.

It is still wet out there, but the last two times I checked, it was around 44 outside, day, much earlier, and then night, not long ago.  Though with it raining off and on, and else, it could drop or rise quickly.  If the storm blows out, to a clear sky, it could become frigid.  Unless it's from a warm south.  Or possibly the east coast?  Sometimes.

The rest of the squab... small chicken.  It used to also be called squab, though not sure if that is actually a different species, or a specific cooking process.  I ought to look that up.  Haven't heard the term used in a long time.  Mostly just hearing, reading, or seeing cornish game hens, or quail, or other types of bird.  I had half left, but that wasn't enough.

I also had three bratwursts, already cooked... grilled... to perfection.  A different brand from those which smelled and tasted bad last time.  These were good.  But I think I'll be avoiding brats until they... get the food supply back into trim.  With things they way they are, things are going to get rough, quickly.  Thankfully, I already, basically, cook from scratch.  And can definitely go more basic.  Well, and I eat very little.  I doubt it I have been eating 1,200 calories a days.  Then again, my metabolism is that of nearly the comatose.  So... I'm not losing any weight, in spite of being 260 to 300.  It... ranges.

Ah... medicine.  I really should get back on that.  I've been trying, with insulin.  But when I can do standard writing, here on the blog, chores, self care and cleaning, and maybe a bit more?  I can still lose a day or three.  I lost from Wednesday to Friday, totally.  A visitor let me know what day it was.  Saturday?  And, oddly still... Still Saturday?  Don't... worry.  It's just not being on the heart medicines.  I'll get those set up, today.  Gotta.  Still afraid of that new medicine.  It's a bit part of why I haven't set it back up.  Procrastination, when it isn't killing you, it might be saving your life or sanity.  Stop and thing, and don't start again until you have thunk well?  :p  Just... but... true.

Anyway...  I'm trying a few things.  Did set up a load of laundry, with one of the new long sleeve t-shirts... to see if it shrinks... or shrinks too much.  I'm doing it on medium heat, and will dry on low, but spin on a medium (the highest I do for anything but whites), if usually I wash on cold.  Once in a while, you have to get it good is all.

Maybe another load of laundry, a shower, dishes, and of course chores.  The girls were fed.  Their litter needs hit.  Ugh.  I'll try to get to things.  And catching the bathroom back up.  It's pretty good, just... Oh, and washing the walls in there?  I've never done that.  Would like to see how it goes in there.  Maybe paint in there, if it works out?  Maybe.  Later.

That... was fast.

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New material, almost immediately.

A woman or two?

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Snooping around.  Perhaps with good intention, maybe not.

Down, then up, as regular?

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Not sleeping a day didn't help anything with my schedule at all.  It hurt.  It was a tough thing to chew.  But I couldn't sleep.  Then again, I may be going back to bed shortly.

Raining out there.  It has been raining, off and on, for the second day running... if faculties are correct.  I haven't checked today, just the pitter patter, or more, on the roof, and the wet tire sound as people drive by.  It doesn't seem all that cold, but that rain would be.  I'll bet that is shockingly cold.

Called mother.  She still has some hope of getting out.  Memory problems are new, she says, but the leg weakness and palsy from it, are not new.  So at least part of it isn't the vax.  She says the leg has been becoming weak and causing her to shake when pushed too far for four years.  The memory issues?  Perhaps she had one or several small strokes.  She takes blood thinner, or did not too long ago.  I'll ask about it tomorrow.  May have saved her life.

Well, if she ever gets better...  I don't know though.  She was in a good mood, sounds chipper, and younger.  Having things managed makes sure she gets food and medicine.  She handles sleep.  It's not a bad gig, when memory and mobility have failed temporarily or... more.  I'll start calling every other day now.  And, maybe in time, she'll need fewer calls yet.  It's really up to her.  I think, just an outside voice, to remind her there is a world, and someone cares.  Short little hellos, a bit of news... rain on the way maybe, and such.

Yeah, I think I'll get the girls, then go back to bed.  So very tired.  Good evening, day, and probably night... again.

Never did get to sleep.

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All but Herc are gone.  I found Theseus.  He had been eaten, but only partly.  Again, I assume he was dead first.  He would have raised hell otherwise.  But the wound was rather superficial, it isn't what killed him.  The others are just gone.  Just... not able to sleep... or eat.  I keep thinking of cooking something, and may.

Windy, possibly stormy, out there.  It sounded like a rare thunderstorm passed.  This isn't the Midwest.  These last a few moments to a few hours, not days.  I wish I had been in the mood to go look.  It is one of my favored weather patterns.  I still hear a rumble, from time to time.

I suppose, I will keep Herc locked in.  I will just feed and water him in there.  The problem is, he can get out.  I literally cannot contain him, unless he chooses that.  Unless his wings were clipped.  Though, maybe not even then.  There are a few ways he could yet get out, without flight.

Some of what I ordered, in order to process a few of the birds, is being returned.  The big ticket item will be the real question.  It wouldn't be a bad item to have, for a plethora of reasons.  Though, reasons I couldn't see myself needing.  I would never make 20 gallons of jambalaya, shrimp, crawdads, or such.  Though I could see trying a quarter of that?  Crawdads, I really do like them.  Shrimp too, if those are out of my price range anymore.  If probably crawdads as well.  They canceled the even bigger once, the 25 gallon one, but not this one.  I had planned to use one to scald, and one to wax... if it had worked out.

The girls are closer to being back on feed, and in better shape.  Twitchy, though.  They have been eating better, and so I have been feeding them more, or more often.  Sam can't eat a lot, but she can eat often.  I try to help her.  But even Sassy is still eating less than usual.

It may, or may not, be bedtime soon.  I thought I'd be in bed... many hours ago.  I may make something to eat, get a shower while that is working to finish, then get some dishes in, before going to bed?  Unless I collapse, all sudden like.  Or... later?  Who knows.

A few calls, but... not succesful.

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Too tired to make sense of things, at this point.  With critters, pets and else, fed, including the ogre sized one, it is as much as I can do.  I made it to 15:23, so far.  I really won't be doing anything.  However, as tired as I am, simply shutting up and locking down will be a slow laborious process.

The girls keep begging for food.  I get them food, treats, and their dry food is plentiful.  Then I wonder if it is their litter, but... no.  I just changed it, and have cleared that twice this night.  I may do it again before bedtime.  Just... to be sure.  Their water?  No, that was refreshed just last night.  Hmm...  It isn't too cold.  It is 76 in this front room, who knows outdoors.  It is a pleasant day.  I just don't get them, sometimes.  And, I have been giving them attention.  I failed on that, for a few days.  A dark deep depression hit.  Part of it was the ducks, some smaller parts were the changing season, well, and mom's situation.  Sure, safe.  But... not free.  Not at all.  And... more.  I do worry about her.

I am coming out of it.  Haven't been in good shape for a long time.  But, I don't hurt, much, usually.  I am not even numb, mostly.  There is pain in the background.  I can, usually, keep it there.  Not consciously, I think.  I suppose, at one time, it took focus.  Now I do it as if a natural skill.  I wonder what all the stuff my body creates and sends through does over time?  You can't afford painkillers like those my body makes.

Anyway... It is about bedtime.  I'll get some things sorted then head on to bed.  I have a window open, will probably keep it open if it isn't too cold (or hot).  Fans running too.  I like fresh air, even if it happens to be a bit chill.  I can deal with the cold better than I can stale air.  Good afternoon, day, and definitely good night.  Amen.

A bit.

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Only a small meal, if I am thinking of making something else this morning.  Perhaps shirred eggs?  I really need to get gruyere.  I want to try that with them, and other things.  The girls are eating a bit better, if not great.  The ducks and rabbits have been tended.  Oh, best do another round of litter clearing and feeding.  Oh, and probably get fresh water for the girls.

I called mother this morning.  She... does get confused.  They are working with her on memory, and walking, and other things.  She is doing her best.  She asked me to call, and is asking me to call daily.  So I do.  I have no problem doing that, I just don't want to be a pest.  When I call may vary, and there may be days were it is difficult for me to be awake at the right time, and when she is awake and available.  But I will try.  She is pleased, I could tell.

Eating well, for now.  Her medicine is scheduled and on time, the right doses, and all.  Life is easier, for now, for her.  But she is lonely, especially with the lockdown.  I am happy to be a part of her life, more than before, as I am able.  It gives her something to look forward to.  I think she has a smart phone, and a video call capacity.  I need to, again, have her tell me which program it is, and obtain it, for sure.  I think I have it, but... need to check, and then get it set up.  If I am in poor shape, I won't video.  But, sometimes, we can do that.  Will be an incentive to be clean, presentable, and dressed daily.

A few calls this morning?  Maybe.  Bills, a few.  Plus to check about giving the drakes muscovys away.  I'll miss them, but they have no hens.  And, too close to process.  I just can't, won't.  The indian runners are back to a better mood.  They will never be safe, but... that is the way it goes.  Though, with all of them surviving?  I am wondering if they weren't considered a problem?  Or where they simply not where the other were?  Or, they saw it coming, beginning, and found a different place to be?  Odd.  Same with the drakes.  Not sure...  I suppose I will never know.

I am trying to stay up a bit longer into today.  It is in the 50s, but I can't remember if it's low or mid...  Not quite up to checking again.

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Forgot to post this earlier, when it was written.  Just... wandered off and... did a few things?  Anyway...  Looks like I'll make it to noon, if I won't do anything else.  A fatted coffee and a few cheese sandwiches will do for supper... breakfast... lunch... brunch?  Depends on who's time and standards are being used.  Good morning, day, and night.

Ah, I am awake.

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Woke very late, nearly 20:00.  Dark, so very dark out there.  I kept trying to wake.  I simply couldn't rouse from sleep fully enough to rise.  Oh, I tried.  It was like being encapsulated in a web of sleep.  Pleasant, mostly, just... inescapable.  It was 70 up there, so it isn't cold holding me down.  It just is what it is.

Chores pretty quickly.  As well, a load of laundry had been forgotten in the washer yesterday.  Still smelled fresh, so I simply added it to the dryer.  Litter got hit, first thing.  As well, the girls were fed.  Not a lot, but a good start.  It ended there, though.  I am hoping to get to more, but dragging like an anchor, loosed and on the bottom.

The long sleeve t-shirts I ordered arrived.  I'm afraid how much they will shrink.  While I don't wash things on hot, usually tap/cold, there is always that possibility.  They have larger sizes, but the prices go up by a third for the next size.  I am hoping these will work.  These, plus long underwear, then pants or pj bottoms, and socks and shoes, should have me warm enough.

It took decades for me to be able to focus on the cold.  Though, with diabetes, it seemed warm enough.  I don't think it was, it just... wasn't noticed.  The cold takes it out of everyone.  Then again, who knows.  Maybe I really was handling the cold well, it was just the untreated heart which kept me down.  Actually, I suspect that was the truth.

The ducks still had food.  And their water was clean.  So, when I did the rabbits, I just shut and locked the door.  All good.  I didn't call about having someone take them, but will.  The rabbits were okay.  But, caught a mouse in their feed out there again.  Reminds me, I need to get some mouse traps going.

However, I am not just hitting one type.  I will be using three types.  The water traps, standard mouse traps, as well as a formula trap... actually using two 'recipes'.  The first recipe will be adding plaster of paris to flour.  The other recipe adds baking soda (or powder?  I think soda) to the flour.  The first hardens up inside them, they can't pass it, and it kills them.  The second?  They can't burp or fart.  Bon appetit.  I figure, with so many variations, they will mostly get taken out.  Who knows though.  

Traps of all sorts will be set outside.  Only the water bath and regular traps will be set inside.  I'm not sure what might happen if the girls ate a mouse with either of the ingredients.  The girls don't seem to be eating mice anymore, someone might be spreading poison, and they just won't eat them after a few bad experiences.  Or they just like their food better.  Though they really have slowed their consumption of that food.  I am wondering if it is bad?  I don't know what else to do, though.  What else to feed them.  I really can't afford better, and different?  It's all from China.  If China has fallen and is just shoveling trash out?  Yeah, I don't know.

On to a few cheese sandwiches and a fatted coffee.  Should be good enough.  While it isn't, technically, cold yet.  It is actually feeling a bit chill.  Even 72, in this front room near the computer, with lower humidity, seems rather chill, almost cold, if I am wearing sports shorts, even with the long sleeve t-shirt.  I'll put something warmer on, perhaps after a shower.

Hoping to do a bit of work tonight.  Getting a few small loads of dishes going, seeing about more laundry, and breaking down boxes?  That's sort of the goal.  Plus food.  Cheese sandwiches to start off, but something baked or grilled later... chicken, cornish game hen, burger crumble for more taco salad, or a roast if that was thawed... something warm.  Later.

Not... much.

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I grilled the ribs, baking them first.  Just grill finishing them.  Perfect, or... as good as I can do.  For as mediocre as they were, to my tastes, I still finished them.  Then again, they cost less than a meal at a fast food joint.  Meh.  I think it was just the change.  

I have pork chops and roasts fairly often.  As well as my other foods.  I really only eat about... four or five types... okay, seven or eight types of meats and cuts.  Burger cooked into crumble... as well as other ground meats if the price is right... roasts of really only two sorts, beef chuck and pork butts (shoulders, and boneless or bone in depending on mood and prices)... chicken, of various sorts and parts or whole, brats and other sausages, and just a few other things.  Well, and canned tuna, and other fish, but those don't really count.  More health food than meats, really.  And I'd do more offal, but finding it is impossible.  I check, frequently.  Nothing.

So, yeah.  I think just... meat off the bone, too.  That is something I really enjoy.

The chores, this morning.  I had to stay awake longer, to get to it.  But, with locking the birds in, I really want to let them out in the morning.  And I needed to do that, as they won't drink or eat after dark anymore.  The indian runners have gone through two slaughters now.

I'll be calling the people I bought them from, to see if the would take them.  I can't eat them, but they may do as they wish... I'd rather not know.  Good breeders, but doubt if they need that.  I'll call this evening.  Having a heck of a time with days and nights getting messed up.  I can't seem to push that around much.  Tried an all-nighter, a couple of times.  Didn't click.  I'm stuck.

I'll call my mother tonight.  More to check in on her.  I'll try to call several times a week.  I can't do much more, but I can attempt to do that.  They are continuing physical therapy, at least.  But that covid lockdown?  They won't even let them leave the building.  Rotten things they are doing.  They know better, too.

A shower, as a last thing.  Oh, and I did get their litter reset, and am feeding the girls well.  They just aren't eating.  Not even Sassy, I noticed.  Very strange.  It hasn't gotten cold yet, either.  I just don't know.  I really wonder if they didn't see the killings, and it is bothering them.

Anyway... on to bed.  Hmm, may try to call my mother yet this morning.  If that fails, then I will call this evening.  Good morning, day, and for my part good night.

Actually...

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Trash bagged, and out... with the old litter.  Bigger job than it sounds.  That litter, when full of piss and vinegar, weighs a hellalot.  Plus what else was in the bag.  Then chores.  The ducks are all still there, the ones remaining, no new returns that I could see.  But they wouldn't come out in the night.  I decided to shut their hutch, at night, from now on.  They looked tucked in and comfortable.

The rabbits are all okay.  Normal, to less, food and water is being eaten.  Just checking on critters once a day, now.  Though I am going to try to get that done in the morning, as I go to bed.  Dark is upon us, and I can't seem to wake in time to do chores before sundown.

It is just at 64 out there, rather warm.  Though, September has always been one of those hit or miss months, like April and May.  Even October here will dither, at least until right around the end of it.  Usually get our first real taste of cold about then, give or take a week of the end, and lasting a day to a week, sometimes longer?  As I remember things.

A shower, after I catch my breath.  The girls have been fed, their water changed.  I may do treats.  Sam still isn't eating much.  She... is... failing... hard and fast.  She does this every start of the cooling down.  One year, soon, she just won't be able to kick it back over.  If she can't eat, she won't last.  I'll do what I can for her.  I don't euthanize, not pets.  Livestock, sure, but not pets.  It's... a blessing, and a curse, to be loved by some.  Treat others, and pets are others, as you would have yourself be treated?  Mostly.  

At one time, I would have had myself put down.  And they tried as diligently as I did.  The heart transplant offer wasn't a gift, it was a conclusion.  Thankfully, we aren't required to accept extraordinary medical procedures.  Though, that was a sin, anyway.  Anyone who would have pushed it, on a religious grounds, given the circumstances, would have been as guilty as medicine of a mortal sin as myself attempting suicide.  So... no.  And, no, she will live until she dies, naturally.  Some things shouldn't be in the hands of man.

Wisdom isn't a gift.  It is something that may come, if the gift of faith is nourished, grown, and leads to other things... one of those things being wisdom.  As well, wisdom isn't ours, any more than, currently, immortality, sinlessness... sainthood, or many other things.  But, if one is looking upon the Creator, in humility, with love, and in faith, these... things... graces... find us.  No other way, I think.

Anyway... I'll get going after a break.  It's only 72 in here, near the computer, probably 70 everywhere else.  But it seems warm.  The bit of work, which requires some weight to be moved, got the engine going.  Now it has to shut down, so I can cool off.  A shave?  Nah.  Though maybe a trim, for tonight.  

Oh, and something to eat.  I have meat thawing, but I have leftovers from the taco salad.  I got the heat just right, last night.  A perfect, keto, little meal.  I'll have to fix something later.  I bought a rack of ribs, maybe that.  Expensive, but I only eat a quart of it at a time, meaning that $13~$14 for the rack will end up being $3 and change per meal.  I... can do that.  Even if it only lasted two meals, especially if it was the only meal of the day, that would be doable too.  I did get barbeque sauce.  None of them were great, health wise, but, for now, they will do.  Two different brands to try.

I still like soda water.  But I may be drinking too much, all at once.  The brand I had been using only arrives, at least priced reasonably enough for my budget, in 16.9 ounces (1 pint, .9 ounces, or 500 ml).  Or in double that.  I can drink even the big one, but probably shouldn't.  So, I found a type which comes in 11.45 ounce cans.  To try.  I could chug too much fluid that way, but may be more willing to sip... both because of some realizations as well as due to not wanting to get up for more.  I could, and will sometimes, grab two at a time, or one of the bigger ones.  But, hopefully, with the plan at reduction in place, I... might... do better.  Keep the ankles from swelling so much, or around drinking time...  Ugh... the things you have to do after you body begins to harshly fail.  More and more systems begin to have problems.  At least, for now, I can still digest a larger burger.  Bleh.

Later.  *smile*

A bit of gaming, to try to cool.  Later.

Awake, and hoping to get at things.

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Winded.  With the ducks being murdered and mom going in, I... had a bit of a downspell.  Nothing fancy, just... a time of grieving.  It could have gone on longer, but I realized the cat litter needed changing, badly.  And Sam, too, is terribly off her feed.  I'm not sure what to do about all of it, but I could and did change their litter.

I noticed last night, and wanted to do it, but didn't have anything left to do it.  Spent.  I wasn't sure about this morning.  It bothered my sleep all night.  A guilty conscience will do that.  But that same guilty conscience made simply waking difficult to do?  Very odd, but, yes, it did.  Waking, finally, at about 19:00.

I left the door to the downstairs open.  I think that was a mistake.  It kept it 70, up there.  Which is warmer than the new normal.  Which, itself, might have caused sleep problems.  I had gotten used to the mid to low 60s up there.  But that would have, at that temperature, just been a mild added difficulty.

As mentioned, cat litter was changed.  I went to feed the girls, but they disappeared?  I'll look for them shortly.  Very odd creatures, of late.  I do wonder if they saw the ducks being murdered, and it has bothered them.  Sam is the only one who had some interaction with them.  And, while they weren't perfect neighbors, I think, over time, they grew on each other.  She liked the babies, at least until they started going through the ugly duckling syndrome.  But, even then, she... knew who they were.  They became friends, too, of a sort.  As with me, at a distance.

A shower, then chores... when I can.  Then boxes, dishes, and maybe a load of laundry.  Some of the things I ordered, for processing, need to go back.  They will fight tooth and nail, some may charge for a return, but... so be it.  I will not be going with ducks, if I ever go back with animals of any sort.  That was too much of an investment and hit.  And, sleeping like I do, too easy a target for whoever wants to do me harm.  The rabbits aren't safe.  Law can't, and possibly won't, help.  It's just the way it is.

Well, on to a shower.  I'll... get more upright as I get over it.  Later.

Mother is in the home.

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Apparently, she did get in to see her doctor, and was given access to the nursing home.  So far from both myself and my brother.  I don't even think the town has a hotel.  Further, they are on complete covid lockdown.  No visitors, no getting out, no going anywhere, nothing.

Both my brother and my mother called, about midafternoon.  I was still asleep, and remained so until... 18:00?  Nearly 19:00?  Somewhere in there.  She left a message.  My brother called twice, but did not leave a message.  I did call my mother back, but her phone was off, went directly to messaging.

I have a suspicion her guy will end up in a home, soon, too.  There, or elsewhere, I can't say.  They seem to have a lot of room in the nursing home.  But that could change in a moment.  Though, as locked down as they are, I suspect a lot of older folks are just avoiding being in prison.  Better to die at home, with some options, then to be stuck in a place where no one can even visit?  If they have a lot of room, probably so.  Mother just had no choice.

Another duck, at least, has returned.  I haven't been out to do chores yet, so I don't know if any others have returned.  I now have three indian runners, unless they were dead.  I haven't seen the muscovy.  I... am nervous about checking.  They have plenty of food and water, even from feeding yesterday.  They eat quite little, with so few and all adults.  Perhaps shaken, as well?

I haven't called about giving the muscovys away, but will.  I can't eat the named ones.  Won't.

Dinner is about ready.  A taco salad.  I've been making it spicy.  The first time, it was a bit hot even for me.  The second a bit mild.  This time, I am hoping, it will be just right.  Still, enjoying some heat, back on the menu.  Even if I can't use more than half the salad box, I am still coming out well ahead.  And, just about any protein, from leftover chicken, to fresh burger crumble, to grilled pork, goes very well with the lettuce.  Sometimes I don't even use dressing.  Actually, usually I don't use dressing.  Plus, the cucumber slices and cherry tomatoes, and even carrot shreds, really add a little something something to what would be a very plain meal otherwise.  Worth every cent.

I best eat, then get to chores.  Later.

Four ducks, for the time being.

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Two indian runners, and the two main drakes.  Heracles and Theseus survive, Theseus returned overnight or this morning.  As is, one pan of feed is enough for all of them, probably for days.  Adults really don't eat all that much.  After burying the dead, I thought to have another hole dug.

I am not sure if the drakes will fight over the hen.  Or all try to ride her.  I have the hole in case I need to put the indian runners down.  Being named, I am not willing to eat the two drakes.  I am going to see if the woman I bought them from would take them.  To eat, or for their stock.  Both were from their group.  Free for the taking.  Well fed, large drakes.

So far I haven't seen the indian runner in distress.  The muscovy seem to have no interest in her, and Henry... the indian runner drake... doesn't seem to be pestering her too much, so far.  If a week goes by, assuming they aren't finished off by who or whatever, I'll just fill in the hole.  I really didn't want to have to cull, but that may still be the only choice.  Time will tell.

I wonder if they will kill the rabbits next?  Cats?  There is another possibility.  They may have killed the animals because I am being much more careful, locking up the house, and finding more secure ways of living.  This may be punishment for locking them out.  Drugs here, and anywhere, close and far, it seems.

I called my mother.  She will be going in Monday, or checking on seeing her doctor as soon as possible.  She keeps trying to walk without her walker?  I can't be sure.  Sometimes she says it is when she isn't using it, sometimes she say she falls when it is there.  If it's both, there is no chance.  If she refuses to use it all the time, it doesn't matter if it works or not.

Just waiting to hear what the doctor says.  I suspect what will be suggested, or just done.  If the walker works, I just wish she would use it.  Her house is plenty able to manage it.  Even her guy's home should be mostly able to handle a walker.  Ugh...  I'll know more when she knows more.

A new game.  I still haven't finished Minecraft.  But I needed a break.  So much of it is broken, at least on ps4.  The mechanics and systems just don't work.  Though, who knows, maybe yt is even more b.s. than it ever was, and only allows false information, even for games?  Who knows.

I am gaming to stay awake a bit longer, and now to keep my mind off other things.  Sam went missing, for a while, tonight.  And I was worried I'd need to go looking for her body.  Eventually she woke, and came out.  I fed her hour after having fed Sassy, but had held off feeding Sassy for hours hoping Sam would show up or knock at the front door, or... something.

Ever sit, waiting for the next shoe to drop?  Yes, that is what I am doing.  Later.