Evil and me.

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I keep having a strange notion. This notion indicates that if I simply let go I may see my worldly aims hit their mark. If I release my belief that there are right and wrong I may more freely roam the plains of success. Should I relinquish my understanding of sterling character I may find more friends. And should I give my ideals the slip I might easily find a relief from my pains. My successes would include a career and access to power, my new friends would cover my back while I do whatever I please, and I would no longer need to worry about the hurts that come from betrayal and the many wounds caused by powerful enemies who live outside of my worldview. Beyond, I know that I have been given all the gifts to rise to the top of the dark pile of human moral detritus. To be honest, I think I was born to that. Free will has a way of messing up the best laid plans of mice and demons.

I suppose what I am saying is, if I would just let go and do what my darker instincts suggest, I could have my way. I could have my way with women, I could have a pile of gold, and I could do pretty much anything I want. I am built strongly and smartly enough that I could take what I want and outthink and outmaneuver most, if not all opponents. If I joined others like me, life could be quite pleasurable. Why do I resist? It seems the more I resist, the more resistance I encounter. Whether the resistance is active, in people who know and wish for me to let go, or passively, in people who are drifting in life and who’s hands are evil but who also do not know or understand what they do, I face a formidable enemy who only wants to “get along” so long as I and others offer no resistance.

I remember as a very young pre-teen being offered a “joint”. I refused. I was attacked. I broke his nose in two places, barely getting off my butt to do so. Sure, his friend, a sophomore, came along and beat me down (no broken anything, happily), but I did not submit. I remember being offered a “train”. Not only would I not join, I first asked the woman if this was her wish and when assured she was in on it, I left before the thing left the station. I have been offered evil often. Though I have certainly failed some, no, many tests, there has been a line I have not crossed. I guess I am a prude. I like being a prude. I not only cannot tolerate that step over the line, I recoil from it. Even in those times where I walked, for my part, away from God, I could not walk there. I had walked, for my part, away from God because I thought some of those who claimed to be his people were participants in walking over the line (some where) and because I thought the world itself was so inherently evil that God must not exist, so worship was foolish. Though I still see many of those who claim to be His are false, I now see that is not Him or His will, only the power of His perfection to allow choice. No simple nuance there, only truth when one chooses lines of an objective nature and the truth of our failure therein. I was made to sin, and sin well. I have chosen otherwise.

You know what though? For a prude, I enjoy life so very much. If I am kept from my idea of success, with my God and an attempt to do His will, I cannot fail. If I am not able to find a wife and procreate in praise of His first real command, my life will not be lost and I will not die even then. Sin has never offered me satisfaction. From what I have seen, sin only satisfies itself into further sin so that in the end, those who “enjoy” sin are merely addicts and slaves to their wants, eaten up by the evil of the cycle. They enjoy what they do so little that many commit suicide and other more serious sins as a sign of how dissatisfied they are but which are offered up as “proof” of an enjoyable pleasurable life. They, most of them, know their hands are not their own. They know, by giving up, they have lost control. I pray for them, if I would kill one should he cross certain lines in front of me. And, I pray that God will have some sympathy on my lot and guide me. Should he decide to test me, after what he did on the cross, I must simply submit.

Just some thoughts.

Taking care of business while I drown.

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I finally took care of calling my priest and asking for advice regarding my medical situation. He was not sure what to do, exactly, and it is a long boring story (which I tried to curtail a good deal), so he merely suggested the name of the doctor he sees. I thanked him for his time, he offered to pray for me, and I breathed a sigh of relief. He did not yell or think me insane or anything, and I think he understood if he did not know how to proceed exactly. As for me, I think he did well. I immediately searched for the doctor he suggested, online, found his phone number, and placed a call to his office. Haste, for me, is not waste, it is vital to getting something done in these times and ways. The receptionist was not sure she would be able to arrange an appointment since I did not have insurance, so she put me through to the business end of the business. Certainly, was the reply to my query gathered from the previous conversant, I could be seen without insurance. The next two questions went as well, is he seeing new patients and what are his fees if roughly? Yes and within my budget, or at least I have enough in the bank to pay up front, respectively.

I am quite nervous about this and I have nearly a week to get myself together and try to sound coherent, offering a believable story (or, making my true tale sound true, really), and begin taking care of business as I may. I do expect some cynicism. And I worry that doctors prefer not to step on each other’s toes, or practices. I will certainly explain who I received his name from. Going to a priest for help with a cooked up mess is a little less likely for a scammer. And, he will have someone he may speak with as to my nature as far as Father knows me. And, after these last few years, I think the one thing Father knows is even when I possibly should not speak what I believe and truthfully, I do. And I do not spare my own self from that truth. There have only been six or seven situations where we have had contact personally, but I think those contacts were significant. As my singular confessor, as well, he knows it all. And I do mean that. As well, there was a lot to find out. My last few confessions have been quite tame comparatively (but it is still quite important to me and him).

I will, however, not be able to make it to class today. I am going to crash so hard it will hurt. I tried to get caught up for today’s quiz and do the homework. Though I studied long and hard, it just is not working. I spent too much time on physics this week, of the time I had available for serious study. I will have to try and dig in and bail out what I may. I think I can still do this, I am staying up with the ideas, if not the practicum. But I am so tired, so often, and so harshly, that it is going to be nightmarish for a while. In about a week, I will find out if there is a medical assistance available to me. If not, I will struggle through here this term, close up shop, and figure a way out. I may even go a little native by packing everything up, grabbing some last winter kit pieces, a few food items, and heading into wilder winter arenas, probably in Utah. I am almost hoping for that after this betrayal.

Just in case you think I am making this up.

About half of American doctors in a new study regularly give their patients placebo pills without telling them.

The physics test.

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Though study was slow and I really could not dig in, I seem to have done well enough. The professor decided that he wanted more spread on the test so he complicated the material. Instead of acing it, I received between a B and an A, and the statistical spread is better. There was at least one thing on the test I had not seen before and have not been able to find since in a short review. Still, that I did not fail was something. There was another change this time. The professor brought in a bunch of graduate students (I think) to, along with himself, monitor the testing very closely. They had enough people to have two people at each row end, every third or fourth row. They rotated through. When the professor was at the end of my row, I looked up at him. He had hard eyes and seemed quite suspicious, perhaps malevolent, and definitely angry. And, yeah, I took it personally if not badly. He either is not a happy man, right now, or he really doe not like me personally, or so it seems. Never mind, I will put in the work as I can. That I do not believe in physics, other than that which comes from God as does all wisdom, even if my professors do not like that… So be it.

I have another test coming up next Thursday. My study partner is thinking about dropping the course. That will make studying more difficult, as it really helps having a partner for some of the study. And, this material is much more complicated. Beyond that, just reading the material and doing the homework will not get you through this class. Some of it is there, say 2/3rds of the material is in the homework, the rest of it is taking theory and making it functional. There is so much material, that having all theory on tap and making it functional combine to make for very difficult study and testing. I will keep to it, as best as I am able, and let happen what will happen. I will probably need to visit office hours a time or two before the test, I will definitely need to put in some time, the rest is what it will be. Though I feel something with this professor as well, I do not feel the level of dislike. Perhaps he hides things better.

I have called the V.A. to ask for advice on finding a doctor. So far, all I have heard from them is an odd request for my mailing address, suggesting that my address is wrong. The only reason they could believe that is if something came back to them, something they sent. This is odd, because I have received a medicine package a few weeks ago. The doctor, after stopping some medication, decided to re-install it, or try to, in spite of my saying it was not working or was not enough (at the time I was not sure). So, either they have changed my address, the post office is sending the mailings to the wrong address, or someone is messing with the mail. If it was just them, I would be more dubious. However, it seems my cellular phone company has also called with a similar problem. Having a cracked computer does not help when considering such messes either. I need a new one, and a router, but there is no way, currently, I can afford one. No more credit purchases, I just will not go there again. Bother the messes.

Still, life is good if, as usual, complicated. I really am going to start seeing about a doctor. Tomorrow is my first chance at it. Though I need to study for the weekly quiz and do the homework for the class, if I find myself able, I will start making some calls. My priest may be able to help. What I will be asking will take some trust and Father may, after having dealt with me a bit on several things and acting as my sole confessor, be willing to bridge that trust gap a bit with a doctor he knows. I hate having to use relationships in this manner, however, if it is rightly done as I am consciously attempting to make this, I suppose being humble in the process and accepting the help as I may will see me through. Such is life? Yes, I do think so.

A sensation.

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Sensations are what they are. Often they come to naught. They may be caused by things we know, such as having eaten too much of the wrong thing or due to a chill in the air. Frequently they are expressions of our own self as we are at a moment juxtaposed into our world without there being any underlying worldly cause. Sometimes they really are truly precognitions. One can never be certain about these things, especially as one becomes familiar with the fact that we are fallible, superstitious, emotional beings. And yet, this nature of ours creates notions which just cannot be shaken. Why so many words about a topic? Let me tell you.

Today as I was heading to my first class, something happened. I was early so that my walk was leisurely, or as relaxed as I allow my walks to be. I was walking between classes so that there were few other pedestrians, fewer still due to the overcast odd nature of the day. In spite of it being a mechanically depressing day by the nature of the weather, I had no melancholy moment. As I walked, nearing my destination, something came to me. I sensed a major event. An event which will overshadow all things we now consider. A change which will make the financial market trouble, the election cycle, and all other considerations fade into the background. I cannot say if this is a good thing or a bad thing, only that today was the day.

Try as I might, I am not able to dig deeper or look closer. My feeling was just that, if powerful beyond my previous understanding. I have searched the news and blogs for any hints. I have thought the thing through. There is nothing showing itself, and yet I cannot shake this. Perhaps China, now that it has oil reserves to rival US and European reserves, is about to begin a campaign. Taiwan, Europe, and then a land war with India to cull their excess male populations (both nations). Who knows, maybe Christ was born again this day. The sensation is that type of big. Either I just realized something bigger than anything known in recent times or I should watch what I eat, and when, more closely. Never worry, remember, I am a touch paranoid among other things.

Oh, something else interesting happened today. While I was out getting a meal, I saw a women I had seen before. For some reason, this woman is rather attractive to me. I think I am interesting to her as well. Beyond that I know nothing about her and probably never will. She is attractive but it was more than that. All things being equal, I sense she could be the woman I could abide. She is simple without being dim, gracious, and thoughtful. I can imagine just being with her in life, outside of the bedroom. I feel I can safely assume the bedroom issue would be fine as well. Though I must admit, when I meet a woman like this, I never more than think to notice if there is that spark necessary for me to ponder the prospect. Actually and further, I avoid considering women in a sexual manner at all. Thinking such thoughts about a woman seems to be an invasion of both her dignity and of any future eventualities, odd as that may sound to some. That belief is compounded when the woman is both natively and physically attractive to me. I suppose I try to defend a ladies honor, even from my own lusts. I only mention this to note that I really do see there really might be a woman out there, still, for me. I suppose I am sharing, vicariously, a little hope.

In times of doubt, hope is more valuable than gold, more vital than any tool, and from which any growth or rebirth may begin. In good times, hope still holds a place in allaying doubts and fears. It is the only real seed man may ever need and without which man has become animal. It is the only seed worth planting, if it is planted in honesty and good faith. It is so powerful, not even deceivers are able to vulgarize it without losing their aim, missing their targets. Call on it, if you are dark, at your peril. Live it, if you find your roots in wisdom, and be free to dare. It is the beginnings, as myth might have it, of earning your wings.

Well, it is as I thought.

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Something worked, after not having been used for a month or so, for about a day. Today, again, I slept through it. I have decided to place a call to my case manager and ask if there is a medical provider she could recommend. I may also call some people in the Church, and see if one of the people I trust knows of a medical provider. No, I guess I am not looking for a medical provider, I am looking for a doctor with a professional pair, brass pair preferable. I do not know how I can afford it, but that is what I have to do. Maybe the V.A. will fall in line with some actual, you know, free market competition. I am not counting on that but I will not completely discount an about face if it happens. I will, at least, sniff any change in that wind and see if it is still foul or has become friend. There goes my savings, as I will also be paying for medicine. What good is wealth without health, but it is a bit disappointing when “free” medical care I paid for with my brokenness does not pan out. This is not supposed to be a charity health care, it was supposed to be a kindness for my duty losses, a bit of repayment. I suppose with doctors being indoctrinated into leftism, I cannot expect much from them in repaying a baby-killer or whatever the left’s term for us is these days. And yeah, that attitude is pervasive in the V.A., here anyway.

I have been able to drag my tired butt through each section of the physics to be tested. But I need to get through it at least one more time, and write out the formulas and some of the ideas. I only have a few functional hours each day, however, and that is with something as a helper, as weak a helper as it has obviously become. I have no control of my sleep, sleeping 14 or more hours at a time and needing naps between my awake hours, which are mostly dysfunctional for anything like study. You know, I could get a bit angry about this. Yeah, but it is not going to solve a thing. I must just do what I can, how I can, and figure things out. I am not a quitter, I would be dead by now if I was. But I pout as well as any. And I am one of the best big babies I know. Of course, and do not worry, I live in a population which is stellar in the big baby business. So do not worry, I am not attempting to tread on your territory. :p

As for yesterday, I had just awaken from two days of uncontrolled sleep. Pardon my doubts. Now, get out of the way... slowly. I am still crawling so your speed of clearing the path is not essential should you happen to be in the way.