Not perfect.

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I think perfection is saved for one here and others in another time.  Even though I am here to stay forever but not today.  Work, I mean.  Done.  And more to go.  I cleared off the light but varied items from the freezertop, no small chore that.  While I was at it I sorted trash and recycling from the top and other places.  Not all of it, just a sort of clearing while I was at it.  Then into the depths of that wretched freezer.  Nasty nasty.  Though not as bad as it first was.  Bleach and dish soap... helped.  As it sat, they vied with the rot and neutralized each other, mostly.

I scrubbed, got fresh water and towels, scrubbed more.  Again and again.  The hard part was the lean over the edge.  Thankfully, for me, I can do that flatfooted.  Still, it's like doing setups.  Only with added angles to the exercise.  Over and over, I washed until the water and freezer smelled like a over-chlorinated pool.  Then I did it one more time, with soap and bleach.  I really ought to wear gloves.  Then I rinsed with clean water and a clean towel.  It actually isn't befouling the cave, might be helping after all that actually.  If you like the scent of ode de swimming pool?

With that done, I may attempt to get a shower in.  Since the drain is still flowing well.  I decided to shower after.  While a shower before and after would have been nice, I just couldn't count on it.  Too much is just too much.  I am already doing more than I thought, certainly from this morning, though even after my first gallon of coffee.  Half way into my second gallon and I have done well, though I need some down time, to cool off.  Yes, a shower.  And if I can keep it going, a trip to town.  A bite to eat, a bit of shopping, and... I don't know!  Not bad for being mostly dead, I will continue with that.  I actually do think I am just warming up.  A woman would... open things up, I think.  Later.

Perhaps.

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*grins*

That definitely helped.

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I started feeling good, then very good.  Still can't do much, but at least I don't feel beat up, dragged through mud and water, stretched like a hide to dry, and all dried out.  Yeah, plus the migraine.  There are still complaints.  I can live with those easily.  No nap needed, as it turned out.  I haven't gotten to any work, but I have more hope for that than before.  I might have gotten to work, and yet I still may not.  That's just how it goes.  As to which helped?  I'd place it at about 70% coffee, 30% anacin.  I'm making another pot, but that should do it.  I might not even drink all, or even much, of the second pot.

Yeah, everything has to be sort of right.  If I miss one thing, which for me is quite easy, I can fall.  Food, medicine, enough fluid and sometimes the right kind of fluid, sleep, and environmental and personal temps... one thing off and the rest and go off-kilter.  I no longer fall all the way, rarely even down to a middling level, and almost never for all that long.  A few months, not a year or two.  A mid-level fall, not a total blackout.  A bit of haze, not a total fog.  And I do think the improvement is ongoing, if it has tapered off.  If I can get medical locally, and change until I trust them and know them, I might be able to take a few more steps up.  Mostly likely I blew something in there really bad.  Like driving on a flat for too long.  If there are no spare parts, you will never have that tire quite right again.  You, then, just have to drive a little slower, a little more carefully, plus keep what will help when the tire fails again.  For me, that can be quite a bit over what was expected.  Shoveling snow was well beyond what is recommended... by a lot.  It did beat me up, but not enough to make me quit.

Anyway... coffee.  Yeah, gotta keep that going.  Not every day, though most days.  Just can't quit or forget that for three days to a week.  Bleh.  I think I caught it just in time so as to not start becoming terribly light and/or sound sensitive.  Such a silly thing.  I'd quit the stuff, have before... caffeine.  It just doesn't work for me.  If you can live without it, go for it.  I can get beyond the headaches, I cannot get beyond the exhaustion.  Later.

Still not good.

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A migraine has slipped in.  A milder one.  Medicine is on track, and has been, mostly, for a bit now again.  Food is okay.  Ah, coffee.  If you are going to be a coffee drinker, don't just stop.  Although I think that I can miss coffee goes to my innocence.  I don't miss things on purpose.  Any coffee drinker knows that you don't just stop drinking that.  It can happen, but it isn't a logic or choice thing.  If, what I am suggesting, you can fall of an addiction, then you have little chance of staying on stuff that beyond not being an addiction is a pain to use.

I've got a pot going.  I'll take anacin with it.  I may end up needing to attempt to nap through it.  Which is fine, so long as the nap isn't too long and that it actually works.  In this condition, I can usually sleep right through a bright dose of caffeine and pain.  Probably.  Not bad, I've had worse, but far from optimal.  Later.

Rough, but a better type of it.

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A minor headache, just a bit off elsewise, a bit sleepy even after a truly good sleep if with no capacity to sleep more, with cranky joints for no reason I know.  All of it minor singularly, even collectively more annoying than damaging.  Focus is off.  Still, I got a bunch of business done this week, I did some housework, and I got to town for social and larder.  There is more that needs to be done, of course, always.  Still, I can't complain, if I have no idea what is happening for the moment.  Hopefully, as the day goes along, I can figure things out a bit better and maybe hit a few targets even yet this weekend.

The tub drain seems to be, finally, after days of plunging, getting it to run, and having to start over every other day on it, running several days in a row.  Given that it happens when it gets cold, I'm almost suspecting that some part of the pipe might be in a draft down under there, and freezes up?  Maybe not though.  I really ought to have a plumber in to look around.  The sink water pressure and the tub and bathroom drains can go slow.  You would think if the tub was slow or stopped, the sink would be two.  Nope.  Where they block up has to be different, and along their own lines.  It may be a plumbing problem, or something to do with the hardware.  I don't want to use the harsh stuff to open the drains, especially when I don't think that would really help.  I believe I have tried that, to no good ends.

Anyway, a shower is in the running.  There is a good chance at it.  Then the freezer, I think, hope.  Maybe some of the kitchen after that.  Then another shower.  Oh, and probably trash out after that.  Assuming I can even kick things off.  I'll know by noon if an early work day will be had, and by 16:00 if anything is likely to happen.  I'll... try to focus.  Later.

Hmm?

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Oh?  Not doing the best, but doing some things.  An email here, a call there.  I keep making jabs at getting things done.  The beans have taken flavor from the ham, at this time, so that is much better.  I rushed the cooking, and soaking really, in an attempt to get it done in a single day.  Initially a bit bland.  Now it is tasting good.

It seems I may have found a way through to the V.A. program for local medical care.  I don't know if it will all work out.  I am on hold after an initial set of paperwork.  It's 14:30, no guarantee I will get this finished today.  There is no guarantee this will work or be accepted, even though I fit the profile.  It's just the way it is.  -  Okay?  Well, it looks like it is going through.  My doctor has to accept, of course.  The program sets up the first visit, then it is ours to manage.  A card will be arriving soon.  And, once this gets going, I may see about local cardiology.  Or not.  Depends on if my doc wants to work with that part or not.

Fine.  Odd that the two areas the phone-tree leads didn't know anything about the other side.  I felt like I was speaking a foreign language.  The last woman I spoke with knew nothing, and was simply confused about... everything.  I am not sure what the other branch even exists to do, only that it had nothing to do with me.  I must admit, I had delayed calling because I was... more confusion would have been a terrible problem.

Well, we will see.  I am pretty sure if this all starts working out, I might be able to lift my head a bit out of the water and not be dragging bottom so harshly.  If things seem to be working out, and continue to for a while, I won't have to fear being forced out and then having to live under a bridge somewhere until I die.  Yeah, I'd do it, rather than have no choice and no option.  We'll see.  Glad I decided to end my nap and make a call.

Later.

Normalizing.

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For now, anyway.  Woke at 6:00 today.  I think it was around then yesterday.  Medicine is normalizing.  I do have to find out if the V.A. has finally, for sure, crapped out on insulin.  I'll keep doing what I am doing until that is for sure, then figure things out from there.  I got lost in yesterday and didn't call them.  I made some other calls, but not that one.  Lots of things going on.  I'm not really up to a gauntlet.  What gets done isn't ordered.

Another foggy day.  I am hoping, as the sun comes up it stays as is.  I would like to do macro (micro?) photography on the tiny icicles, really, on the icicles.  I don't know if it will pan out that there is all that much design, or photographic interest, but it might be there... or it might take just a bit of tinkering to bring it out.  Lots of photos, if I can get to it, then a bit of work in editing, perhaps.  Or, maybe, it'll be right there.  Not sure I can push through, even for that.

I did end up finishing the ham and beans.  The beans are a little dull.  The ham helps.  Hopefully the ham will infuse the beans before long.  At least I have food for a bit.  I'll probably need more beans in a few days.  Yeah, just run it until it's out of meat or goes bad.  Works for me.  Later.

Some things happening.

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Not fast, not heavy, a bit troubling.

I received a business email today.  Instructions for going forward.  I read it several times.  The links were to instructions.  Fine, but there wasn't a link to the site through which I was supposed to use the instructions.  It took reading and clicking several times, trying various different ways of doing things, to realize there was nothing actionable involved.  I checked spam, not there.  I had no choice but to email back.  I can't do what I can't do, literally for literally.

Earlier I set beans to soak.  Ham has been thawed, along with some other meats.  Ham is for the beans, so was primary.  The rest may be grilled at a slow pace.

I also noted someone is looking over a number of related posts and music from the past.  They seem, mostly, to be hitting gold.  They know what they are looking for and where to find it.  It always amazes me when someone does that.  They must have notes, as if my blog were a study.  They go back to see if what was matches with what is, or to remind me what I already suggested.  Interesting.

I also worked on the tub drain.  Something just isn't right.  It has been blocking off.  Plunging helped a bit, now and again.  Today I spent a good deal of energy on it and it looks like it helped.  For how long is anybody's guess.  A blocked tub means showering and dishes are delayed.  Not that there was a high probability, just that the odds went from slim to none.  Though back on track, if it remains open.  Bleh.

I am a bit too tired to stir more than I am.  The icicles have frost fuzz on them!  They are wonderful to examine.  I have a proper micro lens, a fine camera body, and a super mono/tripod.  I just can't get it together.  So very frustrating.  I see how plainly beautiful this is, yet just can't get to it.  Gah!

Later.

Someone remembered.

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Mother, of another sort.  Cheeky bitch, true.  I used to know her better.  No love there, though... it's good to know one's roots.  And, as far as such creatures go, there was a form of deadly love involved, and better and worse from time to time.  Oh, but never trust her fully.  Then again, trust not well the mother of flesh from the daughters of Eve or Mary and from the sons of Adam.  She did not mingle angle and demon, merely angle and man... or... woman, daughter actually.  Starting, truly, with her.

The pull of flesh.

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Still strong despite all else.  I keep the dreams generic, for it is not wise to dream specifically.  Prayers aren't optional when the attack happens within dreams, as this one.  I can only guess that others who have vowed celibacy must know these things.  More so, they must know why when all else fails, that keeping them generic is the only way to avoid worse things.  I could not take such an oath without hope of reprieve, but I learn much from it.  Whether the hope is ever fulfilled is another thing, that it exists in theory is enough.

Another thing from the list.

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I finally called the woman from my childhood.  She had kept my bacon out of the fire, in a serious way, back when.  More, she was my one source of non-judgmental conversation about things few even now understand or tolerate.  Right or wrong, sometimes, what is, is.  And so it was.  I do believe she prevented some serious beatings.  Not all of them, she wasn't always there.  And, sometimes, she was simply a delay.  I won't say that they were wrong.  Only, sometimes, a break from them might be best.  I don't approve myself, for myself, but that is another thing.

We spoke a bit.  She is 93, and... memory is weak.  Still, I hope she remembers why I think of her as fondly as I do.  A big sister, to my child's mind.  Though more, too.  As much as a child may have an adult as a friend, so it was.  Without any sorts of abuses or wrongness.  I know, at times in the past, she has been curious how things ended up.  I'm just not sure she now remembers why, or what it was all about.

In any case, I let her know some things.  She might have hinged a bit, as she did ask if I had been married.  Four engagements and even more girlfriends, I told her, and by far more girlfriends.  Plus a remaining hope for marriage.  I think that satisfied her curiosity as far as she could take it or remember.  I think that is, to a lessor degree, what she wanted to hear.  No matter her neutrality, I think she always wanted to see me with a good woman.  And, really, if flawed by the works of darkness, how better to undo their harm then to end up being rightly fruitful?  If something makes Satan lose sleep, it is the undoing of his designs.

I let her know she was in my prayers and would remain so.  She was pleased with that.  I probably won't call again.  While she hasn't left the world, she is on her way.  Her past is on the way out and her life is simplifying.  I will, however, and just as I suggested, keep her in my prayers.  She is a good woman, a kind woman.  I suspect she will be until she meets God.

A dream.

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Nothing fancy.  I don't know if I was teaching or being taught, or just listened.  This is what was presented.

Someone had questioned God.  An answer was given.  The speaker and listener were both men.

The one who offered the answer offered the choice between these two statements.

The government loves you, personally.  It wishes to help you in your life, to succeed, to enjoy life, and to do the right things regarding morality and ethics.  It is there for you, not itself.  (As for women, since women seek a man or power to deal with them, the question could be stated that women are better off with the government tending them than God or a man.)

God loves you, personally.  He wishes to help you in your life, to succeed, to enjoy life, and to do the right things regarding morality and ethics.  He is there for you, not for Himself.  (In this case, God has recommended that men and women depend upon each other, though has an allowance for women to be 'wed' to Him as servants of men in nunneries or other mission work.)

Which, he asked the man who had asked the question, but from a group of men and women, is more likely to be true?  That was pretty much it.

It is simple.  As well, you could change government for corporations/businesses, or a host of other fleshly, mundane, non-faith based organizations, to include science, feminism, academia in general.  God is not replaceable.  He is the only thing we consider to be outside of space and time.  Everything else which might attempt to fill our lives is within those constraints.

What does it mean?  It's plain to me.  I was thinking it made perfect sense.  It is a simple comparison.  And, either you believe one, or the other, is true.  Some thing both can be true.  I do not.  It is why, for good family men, God is before even the family.  The family is variable, God is not.  Governments are variable.  God is not.  While the bible suggests doing some things angered God, I suggest that is merely a way to express being outside of God's allowances in a way that makes sense to people.  Being away from God is simply not a good place to be, and most understand an angry father idea.

Yes... a simple dream, really.  I think most know the government isn't on their side.  More, it will run right over people for it's own purposes, and knowingly wrongly.  It isn't sacrificing anything for anyone.  It, at this point, steals from high income earners (which are even truly the wealthy) and hands that over to people who now expect they deserve what isn't theirs.  The government isn't and won't ever by your friend.  If it is stealing from the rich in your behalf, it isn't because it likes you.  It's because the process gives them power.  If you become too expensive, they will drop you in a hole or exile you.

Odd dream though.  I bartered, on both sides, to obtain clarity.  Listened to others.  Later.

Way off.

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I figured Iowa was rigged.  NH too?  Maybe.  While Trump may have gotten a blowout, I suspect he has been shorted even so.  Though NH is, well, it's like Iowa.  Politically not much and not very astute.  That Kasich did so well is what causes me suspicion.  Is the GOPe trying to punt to anyone who might do well in a region, hoping they will be good little troopers and surrender all of their numbers to the politician of their choosing?  I mean, really, if all else fails, and they apply enough pressure, !Heb! might pull it off without actually getting more than a few percentage points.  Though I think grey men would begin swinging from the trees and !Heb! would have a hell of a time.  He might have to move the WH south (of the border).

Crazy and creepy.  As for Hillary?  Who cares.  Neither of the leftist monsters have a chance.  Something has gone wrong.  The DNC is as out of phase with it's base as the RNC is with it's.  Their attempts at pushing, pulling, and threatening aren't going anywhere.  I don't think they quite realize it yet, like slave owners who don't quite understand that the slaves aren't playing along at all now.  They are hiding behind bullet-proof glass, hoping the "authorities" will save them, even if at the cost of the neighbors.  They don't realize the "authorities" have bunkered in, just like them, and for very similar reasons.  If they haven't, they will be shortly.  Funny thing is, it's the criminals doing us a solid, thinking they are helping themselves.  Business is business in these parts, as any other parts.

We'll see how this goes.  I think it'll go bad for the elites, or worse.  They created the monster, they lost control of it, now nobody is on their side.  Wait until they turn on each other... right before the riot reaches them.  That'll see a long rerun season.

Not really my deal.  I just see what has happened, what is happening, do a bit of math and logic, and realize what will happen.  A billion dollars won't save you from the hate of the world.  Not even a trillion.  Less so when currencies are crashing faster than people can swim.  They will notice you.  They are hungry.  Good luck.

Mostly a day of rest.

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The tub is being cleaned, I hope to do a few other things.  No whole rooms, or large projects, simple tasks... as much as tasks can be simple.  I went to bed a little later, nearly midnight, but woke early and well.  Sleep was good.  Life is alright.  If not everything I hope to do is going forward.  Like the KoC meeting I will be missing.  I can't do it.  I thought I would be able to go, and last month.  I've... I'm... I'll get there.  And then try to hit it several times, perhaps even make it a regular event.  I like to go.  I like to be involved, even if it is just listening.  Adult Boy Scouts, or at least when the Boy Scouts were worth being involved with, or at least not dangerous.  They have had their first boy rape cases going forward, because of allowing homosexuals in that program.

I did do a few bits of business.  I am attempting, and looking to be successfully, to get my home loan changed from adjustable (if that was better than what I had before it) back to static interest for the life of the loan.  No cost, so I am told.  Yeah, just for peace of mind.  They get a point and change up front for the removal of the risk of a five point rise over the live of the loan... which I do expect would happen.  How much will that save?  Enough.  Further, it means the monthly won't ever rise.  I don't have to worry.  Risk assessment and management, nothing more or less.  Is there better?  Maybe, though with a company I haven't worked with the added risks accumulate.

I also finally was able to get through to a number given to me via a woman at my doctor office to the V.A.  It was supposed to connect me to someone, with a file needed a bit more data, to ensure medicine was delivered.  There are several trees in the automated system, I tried one today, perhaps one tomorrow.  The one I followed today ended badly.  Something about that being a call center, with no "So-and-Whositz", no file on me or even opening for that sort of thing, no knowledge of me, and not functional as to what I was seeking.  The woman seemed truly perplexed as to everything I asked.  No, I kept it clean and neat, just business.  She wasn't all that nasty, just... she obviously had no clue what I was discussing.  I'll try one more branch, as there really are just two for me (the other branches are for providers).  Then I'll call the woman in the office of my doctor, see if she can find out more or... something.  Garbage and jokes, I guess.

I finally get back, get back, on medicines and I am coming to realize that they are going to cut them again, again, again.  Oh, yeah, I really can live without them.  Have for ages.  Not as well, probably not as long, and definitely not here.  I'll work on it until it proves unfixable, then figure out where and how to get on with my life.  That, my friends, is the government helping those it promised to help.  Can't even help itself.  Doesn't even seem to know what it's doing, or care.  It just hires who no one else can hire and lets them do whatever they are capable of doing, doesn't worry about, you know, doing what it is supposed to do or says it will do?  I guess.

Later.

A new week.

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Enough better, from re-re-starting medicine that perhaps some things will be done.  Recycling and trash need to go out before long, if a shower before that.  Then waking.  I have needed a lot of sleep.  My waking time has been short and mild.  Forgettable, if not forgotten, of late, life goes on.  It's not horrible, mostly.  It's just winter with too many demands and a horde of ankle biters confusing the mess.  I will be working on some of the ankle biters today.  Perhaps clarity and direction can be arranged going into the future.

Yeah, the meds can help, a bit, when I can take them.  This time the failure to take medicine wasn't... a logic or will failure.  It just happens.  I suppose I pushed so far over that line that everything fell.  No biggy, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  And this time it hasn't hurt, one way or the other.  Plus, I did keep up on the snow, mostly.  And that wasn't all.

You know, I might purchase a smaller choice of deli meats and cheeses today, then some specialty bread, again.  It's an easy meal.  My tastebuds seem to be getting fussy or going lame.  I can't seem to eat easily.  Not even sure the deli goodies will work, but worth a shot.  I just can't do it, sometimes.  Have to find some odds or ends food that I can consume.

I can't just fix one thing, when it has all unraveled.  Food, medicine, sleep, cleanliness, this, and that.  It all has to be sorted out or it will stay in a mess.  So... I'll begin.  I do think it can begin to be arranged.  Hmm... I may even take two pair of slacks in for dry cleaning, in hopes of making it to confession and Mass this Saturday.  If I can figure out laundry, I might make it to the KoC meeting tomorrow.  I'd like to help with the Lenten meal this year, and the hog roast later in the summer.  It is good to work and serve.

Later.

Figuring things out.

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Medicines, again, are back on track.  Sleep has been pretty heavy, six to eight hours up then down.  I don't have a lot of energy, so I have been targeting it.  Snow removal gets first dibs.  If that works, then I make an attempt at cleaning and getting out.  Monday will be a day of calls, then a day out if I can.  Then a few days of rest as medicine, hopefully, stays on track.  The sun is out, that helps.  Hmm, yeah, should open the curtains.  Dark is why I fell a bit more than should have been required.

I thawed a few ribeye, then grilled those.  These are from my favorite store.  Not good.  They taste like dense meat with fat only on the very edges, and not much even there.  You really have to have marbling.  Now, they looked okay in the package.  Perhaps they are rushing these animals to market.  Pushing them through the line without any real care for quality.  I know, as much as they cost, I will be eyeballing the packages extremely carefully from now on.  The meat has the textured of worked muscle, not fattened beef.  Cardboard.  Then again, you can't tell if it's Mexican or Canadian, or even other, beef now.  And, yes, there is a difference.  I know, with the drought recently, culling of herds because of feed costs, and other things, quality was bound to dip.  But opening the borders to foreign meat won't help either.  I expect a fair deal for good money.  Not getting it.

Today?  I'm just barely getting by.  My mother called.  She is visiting my brother.  She was sick the first few days but is doing better.  I am extremely pleased that she is there.  I had worried.  She was sounding like travel was no longer in the picture for her.  Her surgery really did help things out, gall stones.  They were minor, but enough to really be tearing her up.  Her shoulder is better.  It seems gall stones can mess up your shoulder.  Odd, the body, and how everything fits and works, or doesn't, together.

Well, on to something, or a nap.  Later.