As my body slows, and nears rest, sleep...

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I think of my last.  Believe as you wish.  She, and I, knew these things.

I made it.

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I even helped a bit with setting up for... an event there at the church.  It's the patron saint of the church's holy day.  I couldn't stay for it, or the event celebrating my friend's death and life.  I was totally shot.  Still, I... did well.  I didn't think I could make it.  Jumped through some reasonable hurdles.  Did well.  And, saw a friend and fellow knight off.

Next, to finish off confession, first chance I get.  I'll... try to set something up soon.  Couldn't do it today.  And, with what I have to do, I don't want to be in the long line for the short time.  Not that it will take long, but it will sure seem like it.  Some things are not easy to say.  But, like food that doesn't belong in your stomach, one way or another, it's... gotta go.

I wasn't sure I should go up, for a blessing.  But was egged on.  Could have refused.  Thought about it.  But, no, wisdom, I think, prevailed.  Fear isn't the end point.  The beginning, or something to get through sometimes, but not something to stop one.  Not me, today anyway.  I love it when I see a man who says we should know no fear.  False.  We have to know fear, to know how to get beyond it.  And, if you have lost fear for yourself?  Fine, but think of those around you.  If you can sacrifice all, to anything, are you... sure that is even Christian, let alone Catholic?  Not that you should bow, for fear.  But you should... know... they can break you.  Don't be a fool to me.  Fool yourself if you like.  I have been... taught better.  Tread lightly with your pride and... what... emptiness?

Anyway... all good.  Now, at the end, my foot was killing me.  And, nausea had almost caused me to... toss whatever was in there.  Fresh air, initially, helped.

I had hoped to do some grocery shopping, or... this or that.  Couldn't.  Home.  As fast as I could.  Wasn't sure I'd make it.  Between compression socks, the efforts of the day, and else, I was really about to get ill.  Got the Sunday go to meeting clothing off and mostly tended well.  Got those stupid socks off, and am cooling, with some water, in pj's.

If I can bring everything down to a calm civility, reduce nausea, get the throbbing to quit, I'll probably crash.  I'll take tylenol... no aspirin or caffeine to upset the stomach.

Did see several other knights there.  Some were glad to see me.  Some, not so much.  I still spoke with them.  Oh, I get it.  I do.  I'm a whiny problem child.  Sometimes I help, often I'm home alone.  Not considered a mature catholic, either, because I am not liberal.  Yes, they read here.  Surprised they... don't realize I know.  Especially by know.  They are a nosy lot.  Not the only church reading here, though, either.  *grins*

I need to cool off.  It's started.  Ugh.  I did it, though.  Just wish I could blow chunks or quit wanting that.  Stuck in the middle with you?  Later.  Or goodnight.

Well... most of the hard work is done.

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I just finished the driveway.  Should have done it in half parts, but bulled on through.  That can kill you.  Thankfully, I'm me.  :)  I think the workout will be good.  Not sure how it pairs with a busy or long day.  Or even nausea.  Though nausea has tamed.  We'll see if it stays calm.  Just got back in.

Forgot to list my dairy needs.  Got a text.  Someone else has to do some scooping, it sounds like.  Well, at least he can get in without any problems.  Might be a bit slick, couldn't get through a bit of a bottom crunch layer.  But, shouldn't be too bad.  I had just been about to send it, though.  Was waiting until half after, to not wake him.  He got to it first, at a quarter after.

Need to brush my teeth, in a bit, for the first time.  Then do it again as I am heading out, if I get that far.  A nap, now, or later more so, is a bit spooky.  Might well not wake up in time.  Then again, not taking a nap might be rough later.  Can't nap currently, just not... ready for it.  Hmm, might get out early, to have a meal... and coffee somewhere?  Not sure where they have good, and easy to get, coffee these days.  My old standby was a privately owned bookstore, with a coffee spot.  Been closed for... five years now?  The rest are more hipster joints.  Good coffee, but everything seems slow.  Hmm, there might be a place.  When I used to eat bagels, I would go there.  I think I had a mini-date there.  Can't even remember the woman's name.  Or... what happened after.  Didn't break up, just... didn't get back together.  One of the women I found out, after, was married?  Ugh.  I'm not sure if it is open.  Meh.  The world moves so fast and I care so little, about most of it.

Well?  On too... gaming.  In hopes of getting a shower before too long.  I'll brush my teeth now though.  Ugh.  Later.

Three parts.

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A bit to eat, kefir laid up, and the drive started.

Doing the kefir brought back nausea.  A bit of a sit after.  Browsing the web.  Not much... to read.  Especially looking forward, not back.

Then, some pasta.  Just regular, with butter.  Soft enough to eat.  Didn't upset nausea.  Not the best food.  but it was easy enough, simple enough.  Salt and pepper to taste.  Grated cheese on one of the servings.  No, not a pound, less than half of that.  But, yes, too much.  It's what I could do.

Then, out to the drive.  I redid what I had done earlier.  Then another five feet?  Plus edged one side through to the road, a double to triple shovel path.  And, before I quit, cleared the sidewalk to the stoop.  I don't have a frontage sidewalk, thankfully.  Oh, well, and I cleared a bit of a path to the trash barrel.  The recycling barrel is easy to get to, or with what I had done... without tracking.  After that, as a final little effort, I got the trash and recycling out.  Ugh, needed to go.  But I have been ill, and was stalling until the drive was clear, one way or the other.

Nausea is back with a vengeance.  What was it?  Play stupid games?  Play with fire?  Well... yes.  Shut up.  I missed Kordel's dying and funeral, not sure I was welcome though.  Missed Michael's dying, and funeral.  Still haven't gifted anything for his posterity?  Memorati?  The latter, mostly, I think.  A few months and I should dig through.  I don't want to miss this.  I missed him, mostly, in life.  I liked him, and a few other knights, for what little that matters.  Although, through this, perhaps, maybe I can gain a friend among the living, again.  It's... been a while.

Still, not sure I can make it.  With the efforts increasing nausea.  A lot still to do.  Exhaustion creeping up again as well.  And so many things yet to do.  It's a long shot.  I've made a lot of long shots in my life.  Impossible, some would say.  Today, for example.  I am alive in it.  A shot no one would have bet on, even doctors... planned on my death over three and an half decades ago.  Still, I've... missed a lot of easy shots, too.  So... we'll see.

No, the shoveling isn't... a test of my strength or endurance.  It is merely pushing.  What it does test is my ability to walk for very far.  I really have been mostly seated, for weeks.  If not seated, then reclining fully as I sleep.  With days and hours and weeks whizzing by and around each other in some macabre pirouette, dazzling my eyes, upsetting my stomach, pinching my nerves, bone, muscle and so on.  Still doing so.  And, yet I push.

Ugh.  No frontage.  Maybe not the whole drive.  One more go, for certain.  Should get me to the half way, maybe three quarter way, mark.  Then check on the wardrobe, then either take a nap then a shower, or a shower then a nap?  Depends on the time.  Ugh.  Truly, just ugh.  I feel pretty wretched.  But, feeling wretched, and working through it... isn't a bad thing.  Eye lids are sweating, lightly, from the nausea.  Later.

Better.

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Uhrm, well.  The headache has passed.  Feeling a bit chill, but after having the furnace up for a few days, to shake things up a bit... and it did... I turned it down.  So will have to get used to 70, then 68 in a few days, again.  But this front room... hmm... is 62?  That's unusual.  It had been running 54 to 58?  Ah, but it warmed, outside, a bit.  It was 28 a few hours ago.  Which... is rather warm.  And it was at least up to 32 during the day.

Stomach is still slightly upset.  But mildly, and the only thing seemingly off.  If I decided to take another painpill(s) later, it'll be tylenol.  It doesn't work as fast, but when it works, after forty five to an hour, it works well enough, without stomach upset.

I am going to go out and do some shoveling.  May not be able to get the whole drive.  But if I get even half, it'll be good.  Won't push it.  But, this time, a coat and gloves.  Wearing boots, which may make the effort easier on the feet.  Those hightops shoes aren't... really as good for working.  When pushing and scooping, the toes flex a bit too much for comfort.  Boots, on the other hand, work boots, don't have that toe flex at all.  Not... the kind I buy.

After a couple of shots at it, I may cook burger.  Add eggs to some of it, for a fry, perhaps with peas or something else, cheese on top.  The last few times I have made it with beans, I haven't been happy with it.  Have the beans aged out?  Or have my tastes just shifted?  But, then again, nothing was tasting good.  Even kefir is... odd... lately.  Doesn't taste right.  Dunno.

Oh, but I'll turn kefir over first.  Then rest just a bit.  Then get to the driveway.  Turning over kefir is a bit more of a chore than it seems.  At least for those generally chair and bed ridden.  Standing, for that time, takes effort.  And the pouring, straining, lifting, sorting, sort of takes... a bit of effort.  It's about an half an hour thing.  Sometimes, usually, it isn't a strain... more an annoyance.  But, sometimes, like now, it is an actual struggle.

I let one of my friends know, if I can, I will be in for the funeral.  One way or the other.  Unless I actually cannot be.  These aren't... choices.  With most of the pain gone, there is... a bit more hope.  Now to see about wardrobe, exhaustion, a shower... it gets... complicated.  Oh, and I will pray for assistance.  Look, sometimes that's all I have.  Sometimes it is enough, if far too often it is not.

Well... on to kefir.  A bit of gaming.  Then shoveling.  After a couple of hits of that, if I can, then a shower.  Might still need a nap.  But have to organize my wardrobe.  Hope the shoes will fit over the swelling in the broken foot.  Ugh.  Well, and that I can walk with it.  May have to wear sneakers, or boots.  If that's the only surrender, I... will try.  Like a butterfly, trying to pull off the pins, and fly.  So be it.

Serious headache.

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I delayed waking as long as I could, hoping it would pass.  Nope.  Ran out of runway.

Kefir to start the day.  Plus painpills.  If I need more later, generic tylenol.  I have mostly gotten away from nausea, but some symptoms are still there, like... the idea of cooking bringing it back.  I need to eat something, though, if for no other reason than that I psychologically feel better.  Eggs, I think.  Something light.  Probably just fry them, in butter for now.

Roast beef, steak, or such would be good.  But I am out.  When I think of pork... it's too rich these days.  They are doing something different.  They are shoveling pigs through the process, not raising them right, now.

We did get more snow.  Probably as much as I started with yesterday?  An inch.  I kept the first twenty feet of the drive, from the garage, clear.  But, between snowing and this and that, it's... back.  Not quite as much, but... Yea.  Plus what else was on the rest of it.  Won't be able to clear.

Now worries, feeling to rough to do much anyway.  I'm grounded, three ways from Sunday.  It's at times like these when I wonder how I am still alive.  Though, in this case, the foot is at least half the problem, so I... this time I can somewhat understand.  That nausea, it's all from the foot, somehow.  Never had that complaint quite like this, for this long, without some other cause.

On the good side, I am very... dry?  Well, I mean, I am not retaining fluid.  Went without compression socks for two days, wasn't feeling well enough, didn't want to push it.  But my feet are normal, save a bit still on the broken foot.  But ankles, legs, normal.  I am wearing compression socks today, but lighter ones.  Just... to see.  Oh, and my feet and legs are hot at night.  Mostly.  But becoming more just warm enough, than too hot these last few nights.

Well, that's it for now.  About time to turn the kefir over, when I am fit to stand for a bit.  Not quite yet.  Later.

Later than anticipated.

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Still awake at noon thirty and change.  I can't shovel more.  Tired.  Did get a quarter of it scooped?  Snowing again, moved up to 32 according to my outdoor thermometers.  It doesn't feel that warm though.  Strange.  When snowing, and that warm, it usually feels really nice.  Oh well.

Called my mother.  She answered.  Sounded good.  They are supposed to get eight inches of snow tonight?  Iowa snow isn't the fluff we got today.  Then again, some of the snow we got this year was rather wet, just not this time.  Not much else happening.  I think... she has gotten used to the nursing home.  Not... perfectly.  No one likes to give up their old life.

Harried as it is, risky.  There is something about 'life in the wild', that is... well... it means we are still... fighting, hoping?  We don't see age sneak up on us.  I saw it, but have uselessly fought it for decades.  They planned on me just dying, without care.  I just... didn't.  She has care, should last a bit longer.  Hard to give it up.  Though, I suspect, if you don't fit in the nursing home environment?  They... you don't last.  They will just take you down.  As with one of my uncles.

So tired.  Still hungry, but water will do.  About to go on up and take a nap.  Not sure I can... my plans can work.  Lost, tired, confused, can't eat, can't even cook.  Food just doesn't smell good.  There is kefir, which does help.  That, or yogurt, something soft on the stomach.  Hmm... may try something eggy, that doesn't taste too eggy?  Soufflé, custard, casserole?  Something.  Maybe just fried.  Even fried eggs are usually gentle enough.

Oh, I think I'm going to leave coconut oil.  I'll keep some on hand, as it lasts well.  I need to get ghee made, and stored.  That is better, and is animal.  But, I need to get the best lard, and tallow I can get my hands on.  I'd prefer a larger order, of small packages.  If I could find it.  Much better to cook with, and smells better.  Good lard doesn't have a smell.  Coconut oil isn't horrible, it just... I don't think it's right.  Reminds me of crisco.

Anyway... on to... just a bit of browsing, then a nap.  Have a wonderful day. 

This way and that.

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I got back out there, since it has stopped snowing, for now.  It... will take more attempts than anticipated.  I am guessing four or five more shots, assuming no more snow.  And, that doesn't include the frontage.  Those, if I can do them, will be another four.  I don't think I'll be able to do the frontage areas.

I keep thinking of food.  Nothing sounds good.  Not sure what the problem is.  A bit of an upset stomach, nausea is back.  It's lighter.  But there.  Even the idea of cooking makes me queasy.  Hungry, though.  Strange how that works.  I'll have water, to try to settle things.  It's something.

On to gaming.  Nothing seems to be happening in the world, or in the blogs I review.  Same old dystopia.  Later.

A long nap?

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Down at about 2:30, up at 7:00.  Yes, a long nap.  Needed it, badly.  Though thought I would sleep longer.  May take a, hopefully, short nap around 10:00?  Maybe, or earlier.  Tired, in some very hard, strange, way.  But, trying to shift  my day and night around for a bit... I do this often when I have something coming up.  Don't always make it, but do try.

Kefir first thing.  Don't want to brush my teeth for a bit afterward though.  The stuff is a bit acidic.  Makes the enamel a bit soft for a bit.

It is 24 out.  When I was checking, I noticed it was snowing.  And must have been snowing for a goodly while.  There were... two inches?  About so.  The lightest stuff you can imagine.  Powder.  A very good thing, from my perspective.  So I got the shove and opened up near the garage, my stoop, ran a line to the front sidewalk (just from the drive to the front stoop), and cleared that sidewalk.  Nothing fancy, but... it was some work, given my situation.  Limping a bit the whole way.  All good.  Though, if it snows more, I won't be getting out tomorrow.  I can't do it safely.  Coming down medium hard now.  We'll see.  The trade off for the warmer weather?  Need it, though.

Then again, if the snow remains as it is, perhaps I can scoop portions of the drive, off and on, from here to then.  Depends how much more we get.  I could try to keep up on it.  But, at some point, I will... not be able to do more.  As well, it depends how fast it fills in.  I can clear it, as is, in three or four efforts.  But if it fills back too fast, all bets are off.

Sassy is fed.  I've had kefir.  Would like to fry some beef.  And... look at a few other things to arrange for meals over the next few days or week.  I'd like to have more than kefir.  Though, it seems, for a short bit, I can live on it and water.  I've lost my dire thirst, too.  Mostly.

Well... on to tinkering, gaming, browsing, trying to wake.  I think I've only had two fatted coffees, and had to rehydrate powdered cream for it.  But, no problem.  I knew I wouldn't be drinking much, so it's better to make some from powdered than waste a bunch of fresh cream.  Still not feeling well, so coffee is difficult.  But, it can help me stay awake.  Without it, on top of cold, dark, foot, and else, It's difficult to stay awake.  A challenge.  A good one.  Later.

Kefir.

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For dinner, and supper.  Why?  Couldn't cook.  And the storage containers were too full.  Had to empty them down a bit.  One just plain.  The other with blended frozen fruit.  Though I have learned to let that that a bit first, or it's difficult to pulverize, or mix, or whatever the ninja does.

I'd like to have something meaty, but I just can't cook.  Too tired.

A bit of gaming.  A bit of browsing.  Feeding and tending Sassy.  But, I think it's about time to go on back to bed for a while.  Failing, falling, sleepy.  At least I don't hurt.  Yes, sleep.  If it's possible.  We'll see, but I think so.

So tired, in such odd ways.  I wonder, when I get this exhausted, if death is near.  But, I think not.  I have been getting this tired, and much worse until they treated the heart, for decades.  My first twenty five to thirty years I was about this tired just about all the time. Now it's mostly in high winter or summer.  Not great in the spring or fall, but better.  Subpar, for most of you.

You can... go to work, make sure you eat, get fluid in without thinking about it.  You can go visit people.  Go to church regularly.  I am surprised people think I don't want to do those things.  And more.  I'd love to get out hiking, go fishing, possibly hunt.  Get out camping, visit folk, make new friends.  I... really... sort of... mostly... like people.  Even the people I don't like, as long as they aren't violent, I don't mind spending time with them.  Strange, but... true.

If you are tired, but you have done much, you can't understand.  Imagine wearing yourself out, but being awaken through hard sleep, in the middle of your night.  Now... imagine if that is how you feel most days and nights.  Can't sleep enough.  Can't be awake long.  But, as mentioned, that is more just during the colder months of winter and the hotter days of summer.  Or... when weather flips too fast, hard, and/or often.  Be grateful you are only too tired to stand some small portion of your nights, in the middle of sleep.

Heart feels a little tired.  But everything feels tired when I get this weary.  On to bed.  No shower.  No real dinner.  But...  Oh, but I do have to shift the kefir through.  I don't want that to sour too much overnight.  Ugh.  Then on to bed.  Goodnight, again, and good morning.  

I was awake until 14:30?

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Am waking at 22:30.  Annoying.  Tried to stay down longer.

No call.  So... But there might be another way.  It won't be... perfect.  It won't be in time.  It will get some of it done.  And, possibly, I may make it to the funeral.  I may need to nap between then and now.  I'll wish to shower again.  And I'll have to see about my wardrobe.  Ugh.  Moving slowly.  Having difficulty.  I'll do my best.

Dreams, but they dissipated back into sleep before I ever awoke enough to tabulate them.  Nothing in memory, I can grab, right now.  Maybe later.  Sometimes tendrils lead me in and back to the things.  Often not.

Teeth brushed.  I'll wait a bit to feed Sassy.  She is drinking less, so voiding less.  Which makes her litter easier to manage.  Not sure, she just goes through phases.  Probably eating less dry food, so needing and wanting less water.  That is what will cause her to drink more.  If I fed her just canned food, she would almost never need water, there is enough in it for her needs.  

I would feed her only wet/canned food, but she puts on too much weight.  I have gotten her halfway to her better weight, and that is probably as good as it gets unless I put her out and didn't feed her anymore.  I'll... take her as she is, now.  It's as good as she and I together can do.  The reason I like her thinner?  She doesn't rip herself up cleaning herself.  When she gets too big, she ends up with cuts and scabs everywhere.  Can't get to places without... cutting.  That makes me feel so horrible for her.  I had to do something.  She still, sometimes, cuts herself.  But it is much more rarely, less often, less frequent.

Actually, I may shower today, and tomorrow.  Just... to try to make sure I am clean enough.  Cleaner.  I always worry I might be offensive.  I know what my home is like.  It's rough.  I worry I carry some of that out with me.  At least, with the bathroom clean, I... probably carry less with me?  Dunno.

Today?  What I can do.  I'd like to get a shower, as mentioned.  Then do a bit of cleaning in the bathroom again.  Just around the toilet and the floor.  Then put the dishes in for a wash then rinse.  Perhaps do some laundry.  Hmm.  Could check the dress shirts.  They were drycleaned last.  Still in bags.  Not sure... that holds them well?  Slacks upstairs, new, never tried.  Ugh, belt?  Not sure I have a good belt anymore.  Dress shoes I have, but not sure I can wear.  My feet are still swollen, and they as slim fitting.

As for food?  I'm not... terribly... hungry.  But I may see about getting something or other in.  Water, for now.  Minor aches and pains, but nothing too troubling.  I'm back to hightop shoes.  I felt more comfortable with that idea today.  Just a bit afraid I'll hurt my foot before the funeral.

On to waking up, then... whatever.  Later.

A shower and call.

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Not sure... if anything will happen.  But the call has been made.  I have two days, counting today, to get that in.  When time isn't on my side, it is really not on my side.

The shower was great.  I love those things.  Could only imagine what it must have been like when there was no real hot water, or a place for a larger guy to bath/shower.

So tired.  But I want to stay awake until I hear something back.  Though, I think they aren't open Friday.  And only until 15:00 today.  Possibly at lunch as is.

So tired though.  Oppressively tired.  But, mostly dressed properly.  Will just have to put on socks... letting my feet air dry, and change pj bottoms for pants.  Not slacks, today, or tomorrow if it's possible.  But decent pants, and probably boots if I am going out.  Not dressy, but what I can do.

In any case, I will... hopefully, set up confession one way or the other.  It might be late, but I'll be ready here on out.  It's sometimes the best I can do.  I thought his funeral was going to be later this spring.  Spring being the operative word.  Not sure why it is even this late, though.  Busy?  I don't know.

I'll... get these things arranged, and try to keep up on them.  Difficult, when I'm down for winter, not feeling good, and with a broken foot to add to life interest?  :p  I'll... try.  Why the impetus?  First, because I want to be there.  Second, because I was called.  Hear the call, in my soul, but hearing a call of flesh helps too.

Later.

Hmm... working at working at things?

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Just checked the temp outside.  It's between 13 and 14.  What it was when I checked last night.  But, it is foggy, or something, out there.  And overcast.  A very dark yet bright in a way day.  The snow just... does that.

I called my mother.  she wasn't available, so I just left a pleasant small message.

I'll be checking on confession in a short bit.  Taking a shower shortly.  Not sure which first.  A bit rough, just some cranky bones, joints, and muscles in the neck and shoulders.  I'll have a few painpills, see if that eases things a bit.  It's been a few days.

The shoes worked well enough, instead of sneakers or boots.  These shoes aren't completely without sole support, but that support is milder than either shoes or boots.  Not that I have been on my feet much.  Though about my usual amount, or a bit more as I am picking up on activity.  Still, very happy with that.

Oh, and someone plowed my drive.  I try to listen.  So I can at least get out and wave.  It's not much.  They won't take money.  So, at least a thank you wave.  Not this time.  Not exactly sure when they did it though.  I may have been asleep.  I just don't know.  Especially days and nights spinning in space like a spaceship gone off for one reason or another.

Yes.  A shower, first.  Then a call, I think.  Not sure when they might be open though.  Oh, but I think I have a link.  Yea.  One of the other knights sent it.  I think he wants to see me back and church, and in the group.  And, right he is.  I'll... keep at it.

Have a great day.  Stay warm, be well, keep yourself dry, and God's blessings.

Doing my best.

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Tried beans and beef.  Couldn't eat it.  A few bites, nothing more.  Hungry, though.  So I had half the remaining beef and last half of an onion.  I did have kefir earlier, mixed with berries as a smoothie.  Other than that, water and a fatted coffee.  Haven't had but one or two coffees in the last week or so.  It was difficult, with the nausea.  Coffee didn't cause it, but exacerbated it.  Even so,  I am drinking it slowly.

I keep thinking about a shower.  Not sure I can get to it.  Hopefully.  And, need to stay awake into the day, to see about getting a private confession.  I have run out of other options.  It may not be possible.  But, I really want to go to my friend's funeral.  I may not be able to dress up too spiffy for the confession, but hopefully suitably tasteful?  Or... at... least clean and decent.  I'll make at least one call today.

As well, I hope to have the rest of the beef.  I haven't thawed the liver, as I can't quite get to the freezer.  It's not too bad, or rough, I just... haven't been up to it so for.  When I pull the bone broth, I'll pull the liver.  I think I have enough good onions to add with it.  Looking forward to it.

Hmm, might have the rest of the beef now.  And, maybe, get to frying the burger before long.  Should still be rather good.  If I get out in the next few days, I'll look around for lettuce, or romaine hearts failing that.  Perhaps a few more roasts.  Running out.  Also looked up cheaper fatty cuts of beef.  Look, beef, other than burger, will run at least $6 to $7 a pound now, or more.  Even burger can run as high as $6 a pound, depending on the week.  There... aren't... cheap cuts of beef anymore.  I only allow $7ish a few times every few months.  Beyond that, I spend less or go without.

Oh, strange.  But traffic has been much... milder than usual.  There is morning traffic.  And evening traffic.  Some lunch traffic, if even that is more limited.  Something has changed.  People have figured out how to stay off the roads.  Even with gas having come down, for how long will it stay down?  No, we will tuck in and learn to drive much more rarely.  They cut their own throat.

Creating little bubbles, trying to steal from the peasants.  But us "peasants" have some choices, and will make them.  I am definitely going without.  I can't afford every little attempted theft, so I just shut my door and stay at home.  Beef, veggies, gas, pretty much everything is toxically expensive.  I'm eating a lot less, buying a lot less food.

I've been thinking about it.  To be honest, going keto would be more expensive, per ounce.  But I seem to eat less.  No veggies, no condiments, no this, or that, or else.  And, after the first week of eating well, my appetite is falling.  Still, would like to talk to my butcher.  See if he won't leave more fat on the roasts, rare steaks, and other meats.  No problem with pork, save I can't handle it anymore.  Something has changed with that.  Ugh.  And can't bother with chicken, for a while.  When they stop selling old stuff... maybe buy again?  Maybe not.  They do cut their own throats.  I think they need to sue the FDA over fake testing.  Bankrupt that agency, and the rest of the alphabets.  Must be making more on insurance, and letting their hires go home?  Something.

Oh, dreamed of California getting into serious trouble.  After the deluge, an earthquake, a big one.  To the south.  Then a tidal wave, huge one?  Then fires this summer.  No, not wishful thinking.  Though who knows if it will happen.  Doubt it, but you never know.  I won't go there, but then I wouldn't go there.  So, that's... not from the prediction, it's from other certainties.  I forgot to write about it when I woke.  Surprised it stayed... something else... reminded me of it.  California dreaming...

Well... back to gaming?  I did have the last of the beef, and some beats with butter.  Nice.  Need to digest it.  Then a shower, and a call before too long after that.  If today is the day, I'll have to push through.  If not, I'll go on to bed, and sleep a few times before tomorrow.  I'll keep at it.  Good morning, day, and eventually goodnight.

Sleep was very good.

.

.

Almost exceptional.  A dream, peeing a bit much was the only thing.  Not in volume, frequency, mostly.  Probably the waterpills fizzling out?  Maybe.  A bit dry this morning, but not as bad as yesterday?  Strange, but in a world of give or take, it's mostly just comparative, not a complaint or praise.

I went in a bit after seven.  Woke around 18:00?  I thought the clock read 22:00?  Weird.  But, I just laid there, in the dark, trying to think... or not think?  Trying to find my way back to sleep.  Sassy has very good ears.  She realized I wasn't asleep, and came on up.  She only visits me, usually, in the morning, "morning" really... when I am waking.  She has figured out that allowing me to pet and massage her will see her to BREAKFAST faster than just letting me slog through the waking process.

Teach them how to teach, reach, cajole, you.  If you have problems with things, teach them when and how to help.  And, vice versa.  Trust me.  Pets, children, wife, friends.  Let them know when and how to help.  Make it a game even.  Provide positive and negative feedback (though cautious with negative, if they are into self-abuse, or are negatively driven).  Ugh.  Thankfully Sassy is a very straightforward, pragmatic, woman cat.  She was fed nearly first thing.

A comfortable morning.  Legs were left bare.  A bit sore from compression lately.  Strangely, they were a bit swollen, mostly the legs, when I went to bed.  But I just couldn't wear compression socks again.  They are in better shape this morning.  Compression socks back on.

The foot is doing better.  The ball joint, where I would normally put pressure to walk, or lift off the ground, is still sore.  Even so, stronger.  I am wearing a simpler shoe today.  I have been packing the thing in boots, lately.  Or high-top basketball shoes.  Why do they call those tennis shoes?  I don't think they wear them for tennis?  The soles on all of those had little flex.  The ankles were kept rigid.  It works well, for my injury.  Now I am trying to... expand what my foot goes through, in range and allowances.  I won't be going fast.  Just... this is a simple start.

And, lately, I have been sleeping when I am tired, rather than trying to push through, or stay up so many hours before sleep, or such.  I ran out of that a while ago, kept trying to push it.  Not for now, or while.  A way to escape exhaustion is to sleep as needed.  Might not have as many hours to try to get work in.  But... feel a lot better.  Might not get to work.  But blowing past exhaustion, into the next levels of it, is horrible.

Oh, the dream.  Some celebrity... met her... somewhere odd?  Wasn't looking for her, when I saw her tried to avoid her.  Sort of... got caught.  She asked if I knew who she was.  I said yes, and no.  I knew she had, probably, played certain rolls, in some movies.  But that didn't tell me anything about her, and that I didn't read the rags to find out, or even watch movies these days.

She wasn't terribly happy with that.  I think she was used to people wanting her autograph, or... other things.  She asked a few questions.  I answered.  Totally shocked by what I said.  She must have thought everyone in flyover country was an unsophisticated twit, just following some republican celebrity or other, as hounds to masters.  Never getting that most of us don't care much for most of them, any more than we do movie stars and singers.  None of them, though, are ours.  All of them are mostly against us.  And we know it.  Can't seem to vote out of it, or escape it, for the moment.

We had a rather long talk.  I wouldn't give her my name.  Nor did I end up wanting her autograph.  I just, when I got the chance, got off the... gondola, private cab, or... whatever we had shared.  She almost scrambled to... get me back... get me to come back.  To change my mind?  Offer understanding?  She wanted to try to claw me back, not be alone with what I had just offered.  I... had not interest.  Sure see the flaws and age up close, gotta say that.

I... don't hate them.  I just want nothing to do with them.  Most of them don't even realize... what they are.  How much... is a soul worth?  I don't want to be near those who might be willing, plainly, to compromise.  Not just temptations, but outright sale of the soul, perhaps.  I don't want to be within a thousand miles of those, or their culture.  Even been through Vegas?  I'm pretty sure the coasts and most major cities are like that.  Don't... go that way.

Well... Oh... a friend, for my part, has died.  I... thought his funeral was being held later, in the spring.  But, no.  It's coming up fast.  I have to figure out, with a soft foot and else, how to... get into the church right and clean.  Which means I need to try to sort confession, wardrobe, and... travel shouldn't be an issue.  Getting it together, being on time, those... I'll face the shame of being a bit late, if I am hobbling to slowly.  But, I... have to attend the rest.  Calls, today.  Then to keep up!  Ugh.  Tough being old, buzzard bitten, and frail.  Frail?  In... odd ways yes, and yet... no.  Come at me with a sledge hammer, it'll likely be the last thing you do.  If you want a fair fist fight with me, bring a shotgun.  Good luck.

Anyway... on to the day.  Ugh... night.  Bleh.  Later.

A bit lost.

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.

I think I've been dozing.  Tried to watch a show.  Played games for a bit?  Browsed the web for while.  Can't be sure how long I did anything.  I did have some more beef.  Not a lot, just a few thinner slices, with more onion.

The medicine really didn't end up draining me.  I had hoped it would... do something, more.  That isn't the problem.  Though, now, my mouth is dry as if filled with cotton balls.  Absorbing all the spin in there.  Bleh.  Out of carbonated water.  But I do have cartridges so I can make some.  May do that, and put a few in the fridge.

Did I have another portion of kefir?  Maybe.  Or dreamed I did.

The plow is coming through.  Must have snowed a bit out there.  I looked, but it didn't seem to have snowed?  I'm tired, though.  I think I am dreaming awake, from time to time.  Actually, I am positive that happens.  Nothing violent or upsetting.  Just... remembering times long past.  Strange to be a child again, speaking with my grandpa, or an aunt or uncle who is gone, or cousins.  Just a few of those this night.

I will have kefir, if I haven't.  I do like that stuff.  And it... clears gently... any blockages.  Plus, it cuts the grail in my throat is it passes through.  Goodnight, good morning and day too.  Such an odd evening.  Almost seems... like... something is changing.  Goodnight.

I'm not holding fluid.

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.

I took three water pills.  And, after four to six hours?  Nothing.  I mean, nothing more than usual.  I expected a near biblical flood.  Nope.  And I have compression socks, so I am sure it's not going into my legs to escape, or something odd like that.  Oh well.  I'll hold onto the last of the waterpills for now, I guess.

I used to have a lot of waterpills.  From when I was trying to cut down.  I didn't tell my doctor.  It is what he wanted, but it was so touch and go, I didn't want to reduce the prescription until I could pretty much reduce the pills for a longer period.  All but one bottle remains.  I can only guess someone needed or wanted them.  I probably had five bottles.  Nope, now just one.  Oh well.

I have fed Sassy well.  I'll check her litter box again shortly.

As well, I'd like to take a shower.  Not sure I'll get to it tonight.  But the bathroom is still spiffy clean, mostly.  I'll get a broom in there sometime soon.  But, other than that, I have been keeping up on things.

A bit uncomfortable, in my skin.  Not sure what the problem is.  Chest is squeezed a bit.  Been that way for a longer time.  Got a day or two off recently.  Just not feeling terribly well.  Was hoping the waterpills would remove fluid, make me feel better.  That just wasn't the problem, or the solution isn't working?  Can't be sure.

The temp outside was 14/15 a few hours ago.  Not too terribly cold, but not exactly warm, either.  More snow came in.  We are getting snow every few days.  I have to guess they are getting a lot more in the mountains.  A good thing.  Unless it breaks things.  No worries, they'll see fit to dump it.  The drought will continue.  And, California will dump even more than they had been.  Drought again by Summer.  Some people think that was snark.  It... really wasn't.  Just the facts, ma'am.

I'd like another meal, but think I'll skip it.  Hungry, but not enough to end up too full, on top of else.

A few things.

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.

A couple of kefirs.  I sure like those, miss them when not available.  Sassy has been fed twice.  Getting some fluid back in, trying to be careful.  And had dinner, leftover roast beef, and some onion I roasted in with it.  Quite good.  Nothing on the sides.  Just... good old beef and onion.  I have burger thawed, not sure I can fry it today.  Tomorrow, perhaps.

Gaming, a bit.  Can't do much.  I wear out, can't concentrate well.  Still, a while here, then there.  Can't really listen to music, so I'm not reviewing y.t. much.  Well, and most bloggers are... softening.  Okay.  But so be it.

I'll check Sassy's litter box shortly.  Play a bit longer.  Get a shower when able.  Play a bit more.  Then go on back to bed.  Hmm... may go up and see if I have more furosemide... the waterpill... and take some of that.  Get some fluid out of me over the next few days to week, maybe two.  Once I get fluid out, I should be okay.  Especially if I am able to get up and around a bit better thereafter.  But having a lot of fluid in the torso isn't any better than in the legs and feet.  I can keep it out of my legs and feet, not so much torso once it is stuck there.

My guess is, part of the reason I got ill the other day, was that I pushed the fluid out of my legs, but there wasn't much place for it in the torso.  That... wasn't all of it.  Pain was there, and else.  But, that was part of it.  Do what you can, with what you have.  Meds might be getting old, but... it's what I've got available.  Later.

Down a very long time.

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I dreamed so many dreams.  I can't be sure when I actually went to bed, in part for those many dreams.  Lives were lived, died.  Places I have never been were visited.  Though, too, places I knew as a child to man, but from long ago, revisited.  Friends, family, enemies seen and remembered.  Some tested my open forgiveness policy... for a bit.  But, no.  Let sins against you go, and pray others and God will do the same.

Throat is so very dry.  Voided three liters.  That was part of why I woke when I did.  Mostly Sassy.  But I didn't want to start on another pee jug.  If, more, I knew Sassy was needing food.  She has overeaten for a few real days, which were days in days from my perspective.  So going hungry a bit longer wasn't bad.  But... I really needed to get up and feed her.

A jug of kefir to start the day/night.  Cutting through the grail, like vinegar.  It is... slightly acidic?  My mouth felt like a goobery cotton ball.  All the way down my gullet to the stomach.  Much better.  Still, I think another shot of that stuff would be okay.  Almost cleared out, just... not quite there.

I have roast, when I can get to food.  A shower is planned.  And trash and recycling finished gathering and out?  Maybe.  Oh, and a restart on dishes.

My legs were rough.  I did start with open toe compression socks, but between those hurting and heating, I had to remove them.  Even then, I was rolling to try to find comfort for the legs.  They simply hurt.  A lot of water out.  Though I am thinking there is still a lot in the torso.  I may grouse around for any remnant water pills, and put those to use, short term of course.  I don't even want to use them all.  Just enough to empty out a bit more than just the legs.

I went through a time where I drank way too much water and other fluids.  I was eating non-keto, and certainly not carnivore.  Still drinking a bit much for it, but coming down from the excesses.  A few days to weeks of waterpills should fix some of that.  And, now that I am back on keto to closer to carnivore, that should take care of itself.  Fair is fair, with that initial broken foot, I couldn't cook.  Had to eat out, or from the lowest branches available.  Which... definitely wasn't keto.

I kept looking at the potted meats.  The problem with those is, eating them as is isn't possible (for me anyway).  Too... brash of foods.  Harsh.  At a minimum, I would need bread.  Which... definitely isn't keto.  I have looked for other ways to eat that, without carbs.  I haven't really seen any good recipes/methods.  Sardines are difficult enough.  And, sometimes, as with nausea being a problem, that doesn't work either.  I was gagging even thinking about sardines, so...those were off the menu.  And I, generally, like sardines.  I guess there are times where limits for even favored foods are in place.  If you are even less than normal illness levels, some foods might not be available.  To be honest, I think even roast beef, and definitely roast pork, was too much too eat with the pain and nausea.  Not sure there was an option to carb heavy foods?  Kefir, but I couldn't keep up on it.  But, I really needed to get something down.  No real choices.

Well, doing better.  Eating better, so beginning to drink better.  Still mostly on my bottom or back.  Life is hard, still, right now.  But... I'm good with that.  Gives me something I have to fight, resist, push through, though tactically.  Bulling through this will just see my foot back to where I started.  Ugh...  Heal thyself?   Okay.

Well... have a good evening, and night.  Sleep well.  Not sure how long I will be awake, even now.  May feed Sassy again, clear her litter box, get a shower, and just go back to bed?  Dunno, we'll see.  Later, or goodnight.

Not moving fast.

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The cold.  Getting tired.  Still, I'll try to get to things.

I did roast the beef roast.  Had a bit of it.  Nothing as a side, for now.

Next is to clean the pee jugs.  Hopefully get a shower.  Then put the dishes in.  Might get some or all of it.  Or nothing else.  Well, I have to put the roast up.  Too good to wasted.  A little lean, but... it is what it is.  More raw, but reheating will fix that.  And, I did enjoy a more rare piece of meat tonight.

Sassy has been being tended well.  With my days and nights messed up, she is getting more canned food than usual.  As such, she is drinking less than usual.  She drinks when she has to eat the hard food at a greater percentage.  But, with my days being short and odd, she gets more canned food.  All good.  It just won't be permanent.

Continuing to game.  It keeps me awake.  Hit a bit of a snag, while playing.  An area which was... difficult.  Finished the majority of it.  But decided to take a break from it.  Just... wearing down.  It is rather cool.  And I am tired.  Ugh.  Yea, I may just go on to bed for tonight, this morning.  Say prayers as I hit it.  Goodnight.

Gaming.

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.

Mostly, so far.  Doing well in the game.  Playing on the most difficult setting.  I have learned to manage the team, and survive.  Just enjoying.

I flipped the kefir.  Didn't have as many/much grains as I would have hoped.  But I washed them anyway.  While I didn't have as much of those as I would wish, I did end up with a lot of kefir.  I have three half gallon jugs full, somehow.  Even keeping the house at around 74, kefir is very slow to expand in grain volume.  Usually that should cause an explosion of grain production.  But, at altitude, as cold as it is outdoors, and that strange affect up here, and here in general, just because it reads 74 doesn't mean it is 74.  It is colder than it seems, by far.  I used to think it might just be my interpretation of things.  But, after realizing kefir grains don't grow fast, when they should be exploding, I realized there is definitely more to it than simple objective observation.  Or... this sure adds to my beliefs.

The burger and roast were thawed.  Sort of surprised, to be honest.  But, then again, that has been thawing for two sleep cycles and wake cycle.  All shorter than typical, but not by all that much.  I am hoping to finish off supper leftovers, then do the roast.  Then, tomorrow, or what passes for tomorrow, fry the burger.  Should do me well for a while.  I'm usually only eating one or two meals a day.  Sometimes kefir is considered a meal.

What else?  Well, I think I'll try to get a shower in.  Perhaps when the roast goes in.  And, then, set up dishes.  Oh, best clean and bleach the pee jugs.  Bleach isn't the best for septic tanks, but if allowed to sit in the bottles overnight, the bleach becomes inert.  And the bottles don't smell bad.  I do my best, within my limits.

I was remembering back, to one of the first billionaires.  He ended up becoming a recluse, living alone, peeing in bottles (but he didn't empty them, his mansion had many of them, full).  I suspect, as with modern billionaires, he was created by the state.  He didn't realize that, initially.  But, when he realized he was being watched, through agents, through friends and family, through business partners, he started to become unhinged.  Didn't have religion to really help him.

The state was trying to figure out a way to... create... wealth.  That was their way.  Not sure if he was attacked, in the end, by the state... for shutting them out?  Or by an enemy nation, to seed chaos?  Someone got to him, pretty much destroyed him.

I also wonder about Bobby Fischer.  Did he drive himself mad, using drugs... for recreation, or to "expand his mind"?  Or was he drugged by the one of the alphabets to boost or hinder his performance?  I'm not sure which, but I am pretty sure one, the other, or both.  Perhaps ignorantly over lapsed, overdosed, or such.

No, I... don't trust the US government anymore.  Am I paranoid as both of them became?  Probably.  But, with faith, it's... not as much of an issue.  Yea, they are, or were, watching.  They still are, digitally.  They are trying to find something.  Looking for answers, or even the right questions, from certain people.  But... truth is?  They realize the answer, and questions.  They are in the bible.

They... don't like those questions, or answers.  They, as I did at once, are looking for the Northwest Passage to heaven, without God, perhaps for here on earth.  They want the aspects which are part of God.  They want wisdom, truth, light, beauty, etc.  But they want it for their own purposes, and to be turned on when they want, and off when they will it.  It... doesn't work that way.  Not even God turns these things on and off.  Which... is a problem for the worldly.

They do read this.  They do see.  They yet refuse.  The time is coming, another fallen Rome or the end times, they can't be sure.  They... are looking for another way.  There... is no other way.  I have searched in ways they can't.  Humans are... limited.  Most can't breach the veil of tears, and certainly not often, or even live on that fine edge, one way and then the other, from day to day.  And even their grand egos are mild compared to... a son of the sons of God.  Their blind ambition is empty compared to that pride.  Which... is why God has left me the task of seeking humility.  It isn't my salvation, it is merely His will for me.

Yes, I don't trust the US government.  They went too far.  They seek what they shouldn't.  WASPs, of the NAZI sort.  They think they can have it both, or use whatever they wish to make wisdom so.  Failing to see how failed they are.  Ruining people on a whim, or hope, to see that hidden way.  They choke on their Christianity.  Mostly faking it.  Yea.  I dreamed deeply of this, and realized some other things on the side, at the time.

It'll... sort itself out before long.  They have failed their people, their faith, themselves, even their families.  Indoctrination, I think, is what it would be called.  By everything and anything but God.  The Jews did it to themselves too, long before.  Some forms of faith, seeming all, appear to be going that same path.  Bleh.

Later.

So strange.

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.

A very good sleep.  Slept hot?  Yes, for as odd as that is.  Not too hot.  I kept the bandaging on my feet, and longer socks.  Still wearing them, if I may try to get a shower in, then put on compression socks, or a set of them, again.  If, though, is a big word at this time.

I feel good.  Though I would still be sleeping if I hadn't run out of pee bottles.  It was slow, filling a bottle every two or more like three days.  Then, yesterday and today, for whatever reason, I filled a bottle each day?  Well, then again, I have been sleeping two or three times a day.  So that isn't quite... the same.  I'm still flipping through time with some odd assorted sleep schedule.

But I don't have nausea, muscle and joint pains in my skull, neck, or back.  My feet feel okay, if the broken foot is still dogging me, keeping me as stable as possible, rather than mobile and flexible.  No nasal or tension headaches, or other.  It's been a while since I have had any clear sailing bits.  It's good.  Someone must have prayed.

Still, the pain... was what it was.  Just deserts?  At this point, pretty much no more than the next guy, even if he happens to be a saint.  So, I don't begrudge going through it.  If it does get a might old after a while.  Some saints suggest we tuck and roll into it, rather than whine and complain.  If many of those were bedridden from it.  It's... difficult to not counter that, when their duties have been removed, and they are tended.  While some of us have not attendants.  Though... being attended by a nun, no offense, could be... a bit harsh at times.  The penguins, what we called them in school, could be a wee terse, bitter pills, etc.  Mean.  So... not sure.  Still, I think many of them had it better.  :p

Well, there is all that.  A few good days, plenty of sleep.  While I missed a few more hours, the sleep I received was wonderful.  And the painless day or two has been splendid.  Don't get me wrong.  Though I am not quite ready to get back to work.  The bathroom still looks miles ahead of what it did.  The floors are still really clean, the toilet and sink are clean, the tub needs work, but that will... take some things being done.  Trash was mostly put out, but didn't get taken to the curb, or recycling.  Running out of room, so next week.  May get a bag more out.  There may be room for one small bag after that?  Recycling could take three or four small bags.  Still, mostly out.  

I may do those today, get out what I can.  Get a shower taken.  Reset dishes.  I have been mostly keeping up on my cooking pans.  Though I need to hit the bottles I mostly turned over from kefir.  They are mostly clean, just need finishing.  And flatware and a few larger utensils.  Then, begin on some new quart jars.  I was only keeping out enough to tinker with kefir.  But as I have started increasing kefir fermenting and storage jars, I find myself unable to simply switch over.  With the partial case cleaned and put up, I should be able to change out whichever group of jars wholecloth when I want/need to do that.

Well, and to reset kefir tonight.  When that is ready.  Hoping for enough grain to lose some of it while rinsing it.  That sweetens the kefir.  Not... literally... sweetening.  Simple reducing the sour factor by... sixty percent?  Something like that.  If you drank the sour, then the less sour, you... might well sense a sweetness, even if it isn't actually there.

Anything else?  I have leftovers for supper.  I have a beef roast and more burger thawing.  Done?  I don't know.  It was 14 outdoors.  That may be as the world cools, or warms, never can tell.  Night would seem a time of extra cold, but at this point, the sun may well, somehow, bring in colder air.  Seems to do so more often than not.  Though, not always.  It's not, generally, how summer works. 

If I can work, clean, cook, I will.  If I can't I won't.  It's been a rough few weeks/month... maybe months?  I push, when I can, as I can.  I'd like to do more.  Might do more.  But I won't hurt that foot again to do it.  I see me falling behind, losing the little stamina I have.  Losing strength.  Falling behind in chores and everything else, if I'm not good at keeping up anyway.  But, my foot is improving.  I need my foot healed more than I need anything else.

All good.  I'll keep at things.  Say prayers, for me and more you.  Try to push a bit, as possible.  And... enjoy the winter.  If you aren't freezing in it, have food, and some things?  It's... a pretty time of year.  Even going out into it, from time to time, isn't all that bad.  Have a great night.

Supper was good.

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.

Same thing I had yesterday.  Beans, burger, cheese, and creme fraiche.  One meal a day.  Half of it will be stored for tomorrow.  Getting tired.  About bedtime.

Nothing else got done.  No energy.  Nausea came back lightly, even before dinner.  When I fill up, it's a bit worse.  I don't think I'll have worse problems, but I will prepare for it, until I am well out of the woods.  I just bring the bag lined desk sized trash bin over.  I just has paper, and facial tissue in it, so it won't makes things worse.  Just in case.

Dreamed I spoke with the foster brother who might speak with me.  Daydream sort of thing.  Just... talking.  Covered some rough ground, some things I didn't "know", and a few old timey things.  He is a doctor.  Thinks like one.  Funny thing is, the older a doctor gets, the less he realizes he can rely on rational thought, or logic, or... but it terrifies them.  If not that, then what.  If not themselves, then who.  Even if they were raised Christian, toward the end, they either go maddeningly secular, or begin trying to ween themselves off the wealth and status they have obtained.  It's a trough roe.  I don't think most make it.  Hitler and Stalin had no difficulty employing doctors for the most horrific deeds.  Then again, we have Fauci.  That... story hasn't been completely told, so that everyone hears it, yet.  He is probably worse than Mengele.  And, every doctor that pushed the jab is as well, by parts.

Not sure which way he went.  Can't tell from daydreams, for certain.

Well... on to bed, I think.  I just have to get the last of supper put up.  Then I can sleep.  Oh, it's about 9 or 10 F out.  I just couldn't see all that well.  And didn't look all that closely.  Goodnight, morning, and day.

Not a bad evening/day/morning.

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.

No nausea, mostly.  No aches, or pains.  Rested finally.

I ate the leftovers from yesterday.  May make more of the same.  It's... something.  Further, I pulled meat out to thaw.  I took it our much earlier.  It isn't thawing.  Just one of those days.  It is pretty cold out again.  I haven't checked.  But this front room is down to 57... uhrm, 54 now?  Yep.

I did a bit of browsing earlier.  Then gamed.  Feeding Sassy every three to five hours.  I probably should check on her litter, then wash up and begin dinner.  Supper?  Something.  When nights and days are tumbling, I never quite know what to call any meal... save breakfast.  That is the first meal.  Does kefir count as breakfast?  I count it as such.  There are enough calories, fat, protein, and kefir, to count it, to my mind.  Only four carbs per cup, if I eat three to four cups.  But it's... not a fast carb?  I'm still not absolutely sure about kefir.  But I think it is okay.

Kefir is taking it's time, fermenting.  It's the colder air, lower humidity.  It changes things.  Even with the furnace up, it just doesn't warm well.  Altitude sort of messes with things.  Still, would rather be here than on the plains.  For a number of reasons.  Hmm... may try to get the hammock out?  Maybe?  I... keep thinking about it.  Well, and tarp, underquilt, and full multi-sleeping bag setup.  Not sure I can handle it.  But, if I can't, the house is right here.

Traffic is beginning.  Much as many people may not like it, bosses often go in early.  Do numbers, check supplies, do some business, and arrange for more business later in the day... suppliers, checking on where things are.  A good businessman has to be up early.  Though, too, so do those who milk cows, feed chickens, and else.  Never can tell, save perhaps by the vehicle.  Then again, not even always by that these days.  Some bosses have... scaled down.  Middle class isn't what it used to be.

I'll do what I can.  Keep going.  Food would be good though.  It's nice to have felt better for a few days, if bad did go very bad there for a bit.  I... don't mind.  Live, die, suffer, not.  I'll do my best, and let it be.  I like existing, dead or alive, I suspect.  I believe in God, try to do His will, and don't worry too much.  Surprised I'm still here.  And, mostly, will take it... with gratitude... even when it hurts.

Have yourself a good morning.  Hope you slept well.  If you are struggling, I'll pray for you specifically, if you let me know.  Take care, whatever else.  Later.

A good sleep.

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Better?  A good wake.  No pain, nausea, aches.  Pretty good.

Sassy was fed first thing.  I'll try to sort out something to eat before long.  Well, having kefir currently.  Trying to make room for the next batch before I have to make room.  The first few kefirs were with keto sweetener.  A bit sour, both from letting it sit out long, and from not being used to supping on it.

This time, when I reset the throughput, I'll wait until there is enough kefir grains that I can wash them.  That... provided a mellower, softer, less granular tasting kefir.  More like milk, or cream in texture and more buttery than sour in taste.  I like some bitter, I don't like granularity of texture.  Though give or take on sour.  I like it through it's stages on that.

Doesn't seem as cold?  It's 13 out there.  Not... warm, exactly.  But not zero, either.  And, no wind I can sense by ear or feel.  Yea, better.

Just wearing my feet bandaged, rather than with compression socks.  I still wonder if those were overdone, causing nausea.  I'm not absolutely sure that was the problem, or part of it.  But I... have some reasons to believe it was at least partly involved.  Dinner too?  If so, why?  Not... sure about that either.  I have leftover from that meal, almost afraid to try.

The burger smelled fresh.  The beans were canned.  The cheese is relatively fresh.  The creme fraiche?  Can you leave it out too long?  But it smelled neutral to good.  That... was the whole of the meal.  Bleh.  May try the leftovers this evening.  See.  Hungry, but not too.  Not nauseous either, for the moment.

Thinking of taking a few more painpills, just in case.  But, then, stop taking them unless something goes catastrophically wrong that way.

I meant to call mom today, but time slipped through, between sleep, weariness, and illness, I've lost a day?  Right.  Sunday night, so yes.  Better to lose a day than to push through that much misery.  I'll... call her soon.

Enjoying the kefir back.  Hmm... I wonder if the first doses of it were a little rich, and too much?  No, I only consumed that after I was sick.  I get confused.  And that nausea is gone means... at worst it was neutral, at best it helped with nausea.  Later.

Slightly better.

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Oh, and hey!  It warmed to 19 F out there!  :)

Nausea has backed off.  Headache, and other aches, have melted for now.  The feet have been warm without freezing, mostly.  A bit on the cool side, but not blocks of ice.  I've had two smaller helpings of kefir, and reset it.  So far, much better.  Still dark and, to be honest, plain cold outside, and to a degree that creeps in.

I'm not even too terribly tired, or sleepy.  However, I am thinking, whatever else is wrong, I do need more sleep.  So very tired, inside, deep down.  Not from lack of sleep.  Perhaps from recovery.  Perhaps there is something else going wrong.  Don't know for certain.  All I know is I do need more sleep.  And, getting it before I am back in pain, might be the way to go.

It's bad enough waking into agony and dry heaves.  It's worse when going to bed and waking are both brutal.  I mean, I... have mostly adjusted to a brutal life, without... becoming too brutal... depending on your take on things.  But I don't push it if I don't have to.  So... on to bed.  A few painpills on my way.

I'll keep something close, in case I do more than have nausea though.  That... I hated to have to try to find something while having that going on.  Dry, but... this time.  Next?  Don't know.  Need to be ready.  To be honest, I am surprised this hasn't happened already.  I've been wanting to toss my cookies most days for the last... two, three, weeks?  I'm a late bloomer.  :p

A bit more sleep, a few hours, day, days?  Whatever I need and can get.  Then, something for dinner.  Hopefully I can sleep long enough to change the kefir over.  And, if I have enough kefir grains, I'll rinse them.  They were used pretty hard this last week, without being reset very often.  Just a wee sour, like any girlfriend or wife (may they never meet, amen) who has been left alone a bit long.

Well... on to bed.  Have a great day.  Get to church if you can.  Say a prayer for me, if you will.  Be well, warm, dry, and healthy.  Why would I wish you to have a better life than what I have?  Because I know what the options are, and wouldn't wish them on my enemies.  Kill them, if needed, but... not wish them to be sick for the rest of their lives.  Blah.  Yes, have a good day, and do get to church if you can.

Slightly better.

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Mostly slightly better.  Haven't dry heaved since that time, but it was ten minutes of stomach pumping fun.  Painpills actually did work, if it was aspirin with caffeine.  Aches have mostly dissipated.  Nausea remains, but is milder.  Still tired, but not eye tearing tired, as it had been.  I did have to take my shoes off, and just wear socks for while, here in the colder front room.  They got too hot again.

No, I didn't wear compression socks last night, or anything.  I gave my feet and legs a break.  I wondered if that was what was causing nausea and general unwellness yesterday.  It may or may not have been.  Today I just have my feet wrapped in those stretch bandages, well and socks over them.  Still giving them a bit of a break, in case wearing compression socks for a day and an half straight was too much.  Still unsure, but that is possible.

I'll reset kefir shortly.  Had a bit when I woke.  Will probably need to have a bit more, to fit it all.  All good.  I really enjoy the stuff, missed it this last week.

Would like to take a shower, too.  But... not quite yet.  When... I can, or when I wake next.  May go back to sleep before too awfully long.

It's a bit dark out, but in a very white way.  Fog?  Frozen air?  Mist?  Partly cloudy too?  A mix of things, probably.  But, hey, it has warmed.  It's up to 9 F!  Nearing a heat wave!  I shouldn't mock.  We have had a relatively nice winter, temperature wise, as I see or have seen things.  Just... thought that funny thought while returning from checking.

Sassy is fed, her litter tended.  I sure enjoy the little furball.  It isn't spoiling.  She is what I have to offer some love, care.  And, so, I do.  We have worked out disagreements, figured out codes, and learned to work with the other.  They are rather intelligent creatures, if you do your part.  You have to listen in order to be heard.  It's not perfect, near human to human or human to animal.  Can't be, even after a lifetime.  But...  it... can improve to a rather solid set of understandings.

Very rough.

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I officially woke at 5:20 or so.  Couldn't get out of bed.  Bad headache, nausea, feet were too hot, then cold, then hot.  I was too hot, cold, then hot along the way as I tried to sort out the feet.  Bones hurt, in the neck, back, shoulders.  I tried flipping, flopping, feet out, in, etc.  Something was really wrong.  Fever?  At times.

Then I started dry gagging.  I had an item, in case it was more than just the heaves.  I was sure something would come up.  Must not have been anything in there.  Ten minutes of that, then ten minutes hoping it wouldn't come back.  It didn't.  But I still have some concern.  I haven't dry heaved in... a very long time.  Didn't know I still could, mostly, after draino.

It's rough, boys and girls.  I can't sleep enough, or wake up fully, or get to a good, or even moderate, sense of wellbeing.  It's been a rough few days.  Is it the cold?  The foot?  What I am eating, or not eating?  Just can't tell you.

I haven't been using painpills often.  And, when I do, I have been alternating between aspirin with caffeine and generic tylenol, so as not to upset my stomach.  Just shot the former down with water.  I know, but aspirin won't upset my stomach (or add to it) unless I take too much at a time, and in a row... which I had been doing.  Though to be honest, I'm not sure the tylenol helps?  Just not the right sort of pain.  Meh.  May have to try something else.

While I hurt, the pain is mostly settled.  I take painpills because it could, has, and may peak through at any moment.  And, hopefully, to decrease some of the symptoms... like fever.  Maybe nausea?  Dunno, but if works on the underlying pain, it might help that.  That is from pain I can suffer through without feeling.  Sure of that.

Foot was a bit rough, too.  I have been pushing that, a bit.  Now I have to, but when?  Is it too early to be pushing?  I... don't know.

Not a lot I can do about any of it.  I'm just guessing here.  Would rather go back to bed, but between the feet freezing then burning, and myself generally if not as severely.  Plus nausea, bone, and head aches, I just can't sleep.  Tired enough, just... not well enough.

I'll say a little prayer.  Leave what I can't sort in God's hands, to His mercy or wisdom, and let go.  Good morning and day.

Rough.

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I did kick the kefir over.  Had a small portion for my efforts.  Didn't want to, while I really did.  Nausea is back, major headache too, and pain.  Plus I am still tired as could be.  Not sure what is wrong.  Still, I wanted to get that done.  And did.

Then, after a few hours sitting, I decided to attempt dinner.  Got it done.  Absolutely wore me out.  But I made an excellent nacho dinner.  Too many carbs, but... I... was really hungry.  Corn chips, a few groups of creme fraiche, and burger, beans, and cheese on top.  Oh, but... very good.

Twice as exhausted as I had been.  Food will do that.  I need to put the burger up (didn't use it all for dinner), then go on to bed.  Feel so cold.  Looks like it is colder than usual in this front room.  May check outdoors.  Limping, but... it's doing something... brb...  Yes, it's 0 F out there.

I felt cold sleeping, while up yesterday, and all the time I have been awake today.  Now I know why.  Just cold, and that creeps in, no matter.  I have the furnace up, which helps, sometimes, slight.

Someone seemed to suggest, that, standing for a while made whether my foot was really hurt dubious.  First, when I am really sleepy, I don't notice pain as much.  Though, too, I have learned to stand so as not to hurt my foot.  And... other things.  Doubt if you will.  My foot is still in pretty bad shape.  I have learned how to mitigate, to a larger extent.  But I'm not going to push it beyond what I think is reasonable.  Certainly not going into a crowded area.  People, as I said, feed off cues, and seek weaknesses in others.  And, sometimes find and test it.  A way of weaning out the weak, sick, else.

Doubt if you wish.  I don't care.  Won't go where I don't feel right being.  Won't walk on even snow much.  Sure, I'll shovel.  A small area at a time, at my pace, and quit and go rest as needed.  I can't do that at an event.  I will take care as best I can, of what little health I have left.

Back to bed, it seems.  I'll use the electric blanket tonight, and if I wake up freezing, will hit it again.  Just too cold.  Goodnight.