Okay, now it doesn't just hurt, it's getting annoying.

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I had honestly hoped to wake up today, clear and clean, healthy and well, and make it to the event.  I woke up late, I woke up in pretty good pain, and I was doing good not to try and stay in bed to hide from the pain.  It simply was not going to happen today.  I took a handful of aspirin as soon as I woke, and ate a bit too.  Keeping on the fringe of starvation means sometimes eating isn't about choice.  I did keep my meal small.  The nausea isn't back yet but sometimes it takes a while for the pain to grate on my nerves enough to upset the stomach.  I suppose if I feel the pain in my sleep, I wake up pre-disposed to nausea some days.  As I said, while it does hurt, it has become less of an opponent than an annoyance.  I still game, I still blog, I do pretty much everything I would normally do... if I specifically remember to eat less (which sometimes isn't an issue as I don't always eat anyway) and move even more slowly.  Actually, when I move, I move fast.  I just move rarely.  While in this condition I do move more slowly.  Sometimes checking to make sure I am not exacerbating the pain, nausea, or getting dizzy.

Yep, I best get in to medical soon.  I don't know if this is high blood pressure related or not.  Only that it is... a bit too persistent to let continue whatever the case.  I doubt if I will schedule an appointment just for this, I will simply mention it when I meet with the nurse and ask about what D.C. recommended.  Oh, it's a migraine.  I have regular headaches from time to time, even bad ones.  This one involves sensory input like vision, hearing, even smell in some odd way.  Plus, there is something odd about migraines.  It's more like they are alive than just a pain.  Mine moves, rather than thrumbs, like electricity, in pulses or waves.  Headaches can thrumb, and hard, but they are generally static and often I can't define exactly where the pain seems to be coming from exactly.

The aspirin helped settle things down a bit for now.  It's about time for another handful.  Later.

Not bad if not quite good yet either.

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I received an email thanking me for letting the group know I would not be helping today, and offering assistance if needed.  There is no help anyone can lend however.  While tonight was relatively pain free, I have to keep eating aspirin.  It is right there, the pain, on the verge, and butts in once in a while.  The stomach is still a bit topsy-turvy too.  I almost suspect the rawer chicken from the other night, but that illness usually doesn't include this kind of headache.  But mostly it was a relatively calm night.

I love being able to comment again.  There is nothing like being able to not just hear but speak as well.  I love blogging for the very reason that we can reach out and... speak our minds.  Oh, I know, some people would rather I just sit right down and drink a tall glass of shut the hell up.  I don't agree with... anybody, sometimes.  And, really, I don't think I am supposed to agree, more so if I don't, somewhat so if for no other reason than to gently shake to tree to see what falls out, why, and how.  Whether I am simply asking a question or asking a pointed question, I like people to think.  Even if I agree with most of what they say, I might still have reservations, actually I always have reservations, even about what I think.  Never worry, I would have flabbergasted Christ.  He might have particularly asked me to walk on water with Him... with... mildly dark intentions... if you know what I mean?  I know my mother... has had... thoughts.  Bless her poor soul.  I am not an easy thing to consume.  Still, I am what I am.  I am my Father's child.  So... neee!

Another handful of aspirin and it is time for bed.  The nights have been nice and cool, almost to the point of being crisp.  Still, a little rain would be nice.  It is too late for the crop, but rain would go into places for next year, but more... it would just feel good.  It isn't seeming to be on the horizon though.  Anyway... good night, and good morning.

Ah, that's better.

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I've been trying varying doses of aspirin over the last few days.  It seems 2100 mg will pretty much give me a lot of breathing room.  I don't want to take that dose too often or for long, but for now it works.  There is still a mild ache, I can tell that demon headache is just looking for a chance to claw it's way out, or in, again.  Vision is a little funky at times too.  Typical migraine stuff though, nothing fancy or unusual save the tenacity of the attacks.  I did send an email letting the KoC know I would not be in attendance and roughly why.  Just trying to take care of business.

It is amazing, in my games I am quite organized, even if there happens to be a ton of gear options, weapons, collectables, trade goods, and such.  I run my games like I would run my life if I had legs.  A place for everything, and everything in it's place, for the most part.  A life lived means that can't always be true, but it can be for the most part.  If I could honestly be up and on my feet, doing even little things even half of the day, my home would be immaculate as an earthly home could be, and squared away.  Food wouldn't be an issue either.  It actually doesn't take that much to organize, work, cook, and clean, if you have three to four hours of functional time a day.  Sad to realize, I honestly don't have that kind of time for even that kind of effort.  I might get that in a week, though sometimes I can get twice that in a few days.  I just never know.

I am trying to keep from having a full belly.  Or, actually, as little in my stomach as I can tolerate.  It is still queasy, making a constant but light form of hunger preferable.  It's a difficult balance to maintain.  Still, it beats having everything in there tumbling around once in a while.  While I won't vomit, I'm almost unable to anymore, it is probably worse that I don't sometimes.  This is one of those times.  So, just very light snacks every four to six hours.  Ugh, I can't wait for this to pass so I can eat something substantial.  I was looking forward to tomorrow.  Beside helping out, I planned to have a hot dog, a hamburger, and some tacos.  Right now none of that sounds at all tempting, but it did a few days ago.  I did want to meet some of the people too.  Just a little face recognition and vice versa.

Well, back to goofing I guess.  Later, or maybe good night.

Oh? Now that's rich.

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So ill I should be institutionalized, really, just too... energetic for that to work.  Look, when they are talking heart transplant you know it's bad.  On top of that, still sore from nausea with mild aches from my head to foot as if I was beat.  And I still... have to struggle with celibacy?  Come on now, something HAS to give.  I could be upset, angry, put out, or whatnot...  But really, it is one of the funniest cosmic jokes I have ever heard.  Twenty years ago I would have been larfing hard if disbelievingly at such a tale.  And... some things don't change.  The only thing that has changed is that I am forced to believe.  Come on, that is funny right there.  God HAS to be playing some role in this.

I slept well enough, finally.  I am still pretty rough.  I am going to be taking doses of aspirin throughout the day in the hopes that the pain doesn't return.  When it hits it is like a bomb going off.  It rips from the outer molecules right on in to the very nuclei of my structure.  Fire and electric pain surge through everything and infiltrate my vision and hearing.  On the good side all other worries vanish!  *laughs*  Yeah, no.  I'm going to try and avoid that more actively today.  I prefer my other worries.

I do believe I am going to call off tomorrow.  I am worn out, still in a state of worry about such pain.  If it happened while out of the house, getting home would be... difficult.  Sure, I can drive in full on shock, or with a migraine, but it's not something I would put myself in a place to do on purpose.  It's not just about me, it's about other drivers, pedestrians, and such too.  A little responsibility must be taken.  Sometimes there is no choice, but when there is I'll take it.

The girls have been fed.  Sam wanted 'brunch on the patio', so she got that.  It's a little more work to get their food and water prepared separately, but... she so loves being outdoors that I can't really usually disregard her wishes.  It will mean I will be doing that most of this day.  Some days she is an in-home girl, some days she is a nativist.  All good.  Actually, reminds me of my last lady friend in many ways.  Cwazy wabbits!

Good day.

Headache!

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Oh, not a typical one.  Aspirin is cutting the pain, but just a touch.  If the brain could feel, I would liken this to a railroad spike having been driven from my upper left forehead to the top of my spinal column, crunching that column just a bit, with all the gentleness of expression that a jackhammer can exhibit.  On the good side, I am nauseous too.  Wait, did I say good side?  Never mind.  I could not sleep.  There wasn't a good angle, or a way.  Sometimes I can sleep my way out of it, sometimes I just delay the sense of it.  These are usually rather rare, but two in a row makes me nervous.  At least I have been being good with the girls.  Yeah, that is more important than how I feel.  Feeding and petting, chasing around just a little bit, and running in "terror" from their ferociousness.  They have been giving me extra niceness, knowing that poppo hurts I think.  They just know.

I may be able to get to bed shortly.  A second dose of aspirin went down the hatch.  While it doesn't look like it will fix it, it might buy me the time I need to settle in.  I may have to call tomorrow off.  I'll see when I wake.  If so, I will send an email letting them know that I am simply in no shape to help.  It is good to know why, not just not show up for things.  While it is still a sort of demerit, it isn't as bad as being MIA.  They know I am at triage.  Even if a homebound one.  Yeah, if I wake early enough, I really need to set up medical again.

Hey, it's good.  I have people that love me, people that like me, people that don't one, and people that don't either.  Oddly, that is comforting.  Funny thing, sometimes all of those are the same person!  I love that, I really do.  Until it's my turn?  Heh.  All good.  Be well.  Enjoy your day, more so if it is pain free.  Crunch some numbers, arrange some flowers, smile at someone, tell a good joke, and be pleased if you are doing what you can do.  Even in great pain I have been... enjoying my little life.  Youch though. 

Good morning, and again good night.

It was going well.

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I woke, fed the cats, goofed, enjoyed commenting again.  But as the day has progressed I have slowly become quite ill again.  I have an headache the size of Washington D.C.  Leaning my head seems to help, a bit.  I'll grab another handful of aspirin and see if it helps.  I'll probably crash a bit early too.  Wowza is that nasty.  Yeah, I best get back to medicine.  It does cut down on some of these things.  It's just a matter of being able to make appointments, stick with them, and such.  They do care, but they don't.  There isn't a lot they can do, or myself, at times.  It's not really about want or will, but ability.

Good night.

Oh... how to tell people things?

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At another site, I flummoxed someone who just couldn't understand how I can take an Orthodox view of the bible, not call it the Bible, and reject the role and titulature of classical education all in one fell breathe. How do you tell someone how different the world looks after having died once. Or what you saw your second death. Or that dying a third time didn't really have an effect. How do you explain the synaptic changes from having a loaded shotgun in your face, the trigger pulled, and only hearing a click. How do you add nuance to... the insanely impossible?

I tried to explain that the bible, as I see things, truly isn't like... science. It doesn't attempt to formulate reality, to graph it, to chart it, to define it. It simply represents it, is a part or means of reality. Science fails because it doesn't know. The bible doesn't fail because it simply is reality. How does that work? Well, history is the key to undoing science, and the classical notions of education. They don't mesh. Science is struggling to fill in holes, more so by trying to fill them with anything but God. It is like trying to stop a leak in a pipe with anything but something solid. Try water they yell, when that doesn't work, try smoke! Oh... darn... how about good wishes and smiley faces they plead? Anything but metal or glue, or even higher pressure water, or something that might work, they demand.

As I said, classical education is undone by history, completely and irrevocably. I would classify the classic education as a poet's wet dream of how things could or should be, if I as it turns out I do not agree with those notions of should or could, when it comes right down to it. The world, as is, shouldn't be soft, or inclusive, or benign. As sinful, and even animal, beings, we would be totally ruined by such a life. We would have to be forced into it, and those who would not or could not fit would have to be destroyed. Basically, most men over the age of 17 to 21 would have to be put down. And my guess is the closer a woman gets to 27-33, depending on her hormonal fluctuations, would have to be put down just the same. Old people would be fine, but none would make it through those screwy years, or they would mess up the whole thing. Essentially, classical education teaches theory that is wholly unworkable, untenable, and unwanted, save in the throws of passion and ecstasy when all higher thinking is gone.

I tried to explain that the bible should be lower case as it is not holy. It may be the Word of God, and it might be living, but the book itself is not holy. It is a placeholder, a vessel, for the holy. Christ was self-animated holiness, so He IS different. As is God and the Holy Spirit. Not even angels are, only given capitalization when named. Then again, the one I confused was a socialist atheist, so... go figure. Why would they want the term "bible" capitalized though? I... never really get these folk. Oh, and I tried to be... reasonable, as I am here. No need to yell. They aren't going to change, or probably learn. Still, why send people all aflutter. They are already confused.

They thought I was silly to try to keep all the pieces of my derangement in order, like it was some odd Rubric I had developed all on my own without the sum of all I had seen, heard, felt, and learned as the backstop. Something about having to step through a thousand little idiosyncrasies to survive to my end notions. Not at all, I suggested. No more do I need to hold this together than I have to concentrate to keep clouds in the sky. It stands on it's own or it doesn't, there is little for me to do but notice. It always amazes me that some people cast stones at their own shadows rather than at their perceived opponents. This writer told me their 'dirty little intellectual secret' merely by casting the aspersion. It is they who live in a fraudulent glass house. Fearful of any and all... things out of line. Ah, but... what fun we have in an afternoon when... we play with children? Summit like that.

Later?

A better day.

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No headache, up a bit earlier, but not to bed any earlier.  The problem is the thing Saturday.  I can't sleep until 16:00, but I can't seem to... not.  I'm headed for a cliff.  If I can't make it, that is just the way it has to be.  Tonight, since I have brots ready, I am going to fire up the grill.  A good burn first to get the muck off from just sitting, then cooking, then another 15 minute dry run to get THAT gunk off it.  I have tried a number of degreasers, different detergents, and a number of other mechanical and chemical cleaners, all to no avail.  A grill is simply a filthy thing.  Now, I didn't go for a typical grill.  No, of course not, I had to go techy and get one of these.  No, I think my next grill will be a plain old regular grill, give or take.  I would actually like to get one for Saturday but I simply don't have the green for it.  Assuming I can figure out how to be up and there in time in the first place.  Gah!

Anyway, today is good.  No headache, no sense of over sleeping or over-extending yesterday.  Just... another day.  The cats have been fed, Sam has been let out, I have tinkered with my final game of Fallout 3, which may end early as some things in the game have stopped working as they should, or possibly.  It seems when such a large game is fully utilized once it sort of breaks.  Old games somehow carry into new games, and the whole thing bogs down.  I suppose I could remove the game and all old saves.  But, that would take some homework to even know how to do.  Homework, at this point, I am not interested in doing for a game I am about done with, for a number of reasons.

Laundry needs to be done.  Much of my clothing is clean, but I haven't been folding/hanging/putting away.  So... it is all quite wrinkled.  Not a terrible thing, here at home.  But going out with wrinkled clothing is... a sign of something I don't care for.  While neat clothes give off a sort of false signal, considering my reality, it also gives off intent.  It is that intent that I... want to exhibit.  So, laundry.  Lots of it.  But making sure I fold, hang up, put away, so perhaps just a load at a time, then a break.

Ah well.  Good day.

Chicken part deux.

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While the chicken I cooked the other night was splendid, for the most part, it wasn't... quite done.  The meat was done, but... something about it.  Let us just say it moved me in a way that I knew I had to rebake the remainder.  What doesn't kill you and all.  If... that doesn't mean you want to repeat a mistake either.  Now, I don't really like twice cooked chicken.  Some people and places can do that successfully.  I know of a restaurant that has twice baked chicken as a star menu item even.  Not so much here.  Still, knowing it is fully done is worth the slight odd taste I always end up with.  And my lower, and maybe upper, g.i. will thank me.  Having eaten one of the recooked pieces, I already know it is right.  At least the skin stayed somewhat crisp.

It has been a rough day.  I finally surrendered and took a handful of aspirin.  I am trying to take aspirin since that seems to be what the docs prefer I take.  That helped a smidgen enough to mostly not be too grumbly.  While not grumpy, exactly, pain can make me terse.  I prefer neither terse nor grumpy.  I enjoy loving my girls, not being an ogre with them.  Though vomitters will always be chased out if I think I can get them out in time.  Ugh...  The sound alone gets me to the core.

I think I have been dreaming of fights lately.  It hasn't really been getting to me.  I wake up and it feels like my fist has been used.  I know, dreams aren't supposed to allow for motion.  But I tell you sometimes it does.  If my hands felt like that every few weeks or months, regularly, I would just assume arthritis or something was setting in.  That isn't the case.  It happens once or twice a year, or even every other year.  It's rather rare.

It does look like I have figured out the problem with commenting on other blogs.  Not only do my comments show, they are there when I have gone back to check on them... so far.

All is well.  Good morning and good night.

Could it be?

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I seem to have had some things blocked, including google.com through an add-on for my browser.  I am checking to see if that is why I couldn't post.  The thing is, I haven't changed my settings in those.  Could they have been tinkered with by others?  Hackers are nasty, insidious, little critters and know how to do just enough to cause problems... gremlins.  We will see.  I'll keep tinkering, if this doesn't fix it.

Odd how a group of memories can all come together at once.

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Yesterday and today a group of things came together to form a picture I had not quite seen in such a complete form, or all together, or something.  I blogged about it yesterday, if it was nothing really new, just... I saw it and other things fit, in a sequenced pattern.  Tonight it isn't about me.  It is about some academic types I knew.  Quite liberal, in the neoliberal sense.  Feminine equality, social justice, and the rest, were all top priorities and beliefs.  Even Chesterton, in his day, knew and despised the lie that is "social justice".

Anyway, through various times and conversations, odd things began to happen.  While, publicly, with or without his wife present, the man presented that women were wholly and fully equal to men.  When I was discussing the coming economic calamity, he seemed to know about that which I speak.  When it was just us two, we would pick each other's minds for... notions about it, clues, concerns.  And, really, we were quite on the same page.  But when I would consider discussing it around his wife he would... hedge me to a different topic.  Oh, I saw that, just... I'm usually amenable.  When queried in private, he suggested he doesn't... want to worry his wife with such things.  Later I even got the idea that... she came apart when... introduced to the notion that tomorrow would not be like today, unglued.  There were several areas he was fully aware, but areas he kept from his wife.  As I think about it now I realize he had no notion of feminine equality, he was just... playing the role.  I am not sure if his lip service, however, was fully conscious.  He might actually, consciously, believe what he was saying about equality in spite of living his life quite the opposite.  How... many other academics, liberals, progressives, are just the same?  Most would be my guess.

In Russia, they called this something special, if I can't remember the term for it.  Yes, I knew it at one time.  It wasn't just academics who talked the talk but walked the reality.  It was living the grand lie.  Many still do, worldwide.  Many don't realize they live one way and speak a totally different way.  No, tonight, memories of those conversations and interactions finally made some sense.  More interestingly, she... knew.  She even outright used her feminine frailty as a means of changing subjects she couldn't, wouldn't, handle well.  Oh... just... enjoying some... things...  And sharing them.  Way too funny, if I am not really laughing at them, just... at the world they have created within to live.  And fearing it, a bit, too.  That is a very fragile world.  Any blip on the radar and it can all come crumbling down.  Impotent rage does nothing against the tides of reality, hordes of barbarians, or... any other real threat out there.  How many live in that deluded worldview?  Too many.  Too many elites, perhaps almost all of them?  Trouble ahead.

Later.

Rough one.

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Not getting to bed until 6:00, then not waking until 18:00 and only then because of a phone call, a headache to beat the drum.  *youch*  Bad analogy at the moment.  No, two beers wouldn't do it.  I'm chalking it up to just a typical blue moon bad day.  At least I'm not grumpy too!  No one, cat's especially though me included, enjoy grumpy days.

The call was for dinner.  Apparently they had stopped by but I had not heard the doorbell.  Thankfully they tried the phone.  Dinner was good, of course, but there was something special in there.  It was a taco salad, which is generally pretty good just as is.  But there were cherry tomatoes in there the likes of which I have never tasted.  I now know why tomatoes like that were ever given the name "cherry".  These were sweet, some a little tart, with very high sugar content.  I was absolutely flabbergasted.  Perhaps it has just been a long time since I tasted such treats.  I just can't remember them ever tasting that seriously sweet.

Now to figure out how to get my life back on track.  It will take getting back to medicine.  While that isn't perfect, it does help.  I may start at least taking the aspirin and vitamins for now, items I don't have depend on a doctor's okay to get or take.  Then, if I can shake a leg a little earlier, resetting some appointments.  I'll keep trying.

Later.

Sometimes it all just fits. History.

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Sometimes it all just... fits.

All good.

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I made it to the meeting with plenty of time.  After setting up the room and laying out snacks I had an half hour to wait.  It seems the district *mumble something or other* decided to attend the meeting tonight.  I had no idea.  In any case, he arrived in goodly time so I had company my last fifteen minutes of the wait.  It was interesting talking to him.  And... remembering that while we are all men too, sometimes we are our station.  It was interesting watching that played out.  Sometimes I was talking to our next up in the chain of command, sometimes I was talking to the man who fills that role.  Sometimes he was talking to a knight, sometimes he was speaking with me.  Throw in women, wives, and whatnot, and it gets really funny.  Anyway, no women were present, for good and ill, so...

Few ate and little was consumed of the liquids.  No beer, just a soda or two?  Yes, but the meeting is right after dinner.  I seemed to have set up properly, and asked.  As I said, it is not too technical.  I asked anyway, as much to let leadership fill that role as to learn if I had made a mistake.  Further, there was a mixup in when people where supposed to arrive.  If one read the email, which... *cough* some of the knights did not, the meeting was supposed to be at 19:00.  Though someone got back in time to reset the meeting by calling around, and back to 18:00, though only some got the call (I didn't get the call).  So our recorder was not present.  No problem, I had meant to ask about that role.  As I said, I would like to learn to fill in, when I am able, and when I am needed.  So, I... learned on the job. 

The meetings are interesting.  They can be rather passionate, when something gets in someone's craw.  And... that is not always agreed with, so there can be... interesting discussions.  Some people take these personally, I... enjoy these almost as much as I enjoyed them with my last lady friend.  Oh, and I am involved.  Make no mistake.  If I want something, need more information, and whatnot, I speak up.  No wall flower here, that way anyway.  We have a number of meals planned, including this Saturday.  I was half volunteered to bring in my grill.  I don't know how I will do it, but by God, I will.  Oh, and my coolers, they need those.  Plus I will be doing something.  They suggested that those who bring in grills will be stuck to them, but I can't do that.  I simply can't be on my feet that long in a station.  I will probably make sure I have at least one tank pretty full and if they are both full I will bring them both, filling whatever is needed.  I would like to help with the prize bingo.  This is the first year for this, and it is a bit of a clusterfuck.  But... that is common.  I told the guys, twice, not to panic.  Do the best we can, and next year this thing should work a little better.  Too many unknowns this year, this first time.  Next year, with more planning and some things we learn this year to fall back on, it should be smooth as nails (instead of broken glass albeit).  It just takes time to get things off the ground from thought to fruition.  People don't mind, and if they do, and speak up?  Why... We have our NEXT VOLUNTEER!  I love this game.

One thing I am interested in is learning how to run meals.  Oh, I don't mean doing everything but eating the food, I mean planning, making sure the donated items are set, making sure what needs to be bought is set, organizing the cooking crew and taking my turn, but for smaller meals.  I can't do a four hundred people meal.  I can, however, learn to organize, say... a Friday fish fry, or a Lenten dinner, or something on the smaller side.  That would give the big guns, the guys who get leaned on hard, a little bit of a break.  Further, if absolutely pressed and our big guns are ooc, I might be able to squeeze out a big meal prep with prayer and help.  I let it be known in general, and then I spoke with one of the gents afterwards, specifically.  And, yes, he heard, and had me... in mind.  On the big meals I will happily just serve, or set up, or tear down, or all of the above, within the limits of my ability.  But, for a bit, I need a tutor in the field of making a meal come to life.  I've always said that is something I wanted to do, remember?  Even in Iowa.  I had hoped to do this work.

I was speaking with another member, an officer, on the way out.  I had something else I would like to do.  While I can't always make meetings, and I can't always help every time something comes up, I would like to become involved in ways that I might.  One of those ways is to become a retention officer.  I have plenty of time in the day to call non-attending members, let them know that we are still working and would like to see them, and if nothing else, just let them know that they are on our minds and in our prayers.  A bit of a little thing, but for many who have busy lives, families, jobs, and "stuff", quite a task to keep up on.  My goal would be figuring out how many members are not attending, then giving some number of them a call each week.  A quick chat or a longer talk.  Heck, even inviting them to coffee somewhere or such.  Sort of being a friend, or whatever is needed.  As well, this would get me into some meetings I am interested in attending.  Yeah, I know, health.  But... I am going to try. 

Oh, he was telling me about his health problems, the last fellow I spoke with.  And they sounded rather severe.  I am never sure about my health, really, considering how well I sort of do.  But when someone says they have heart problems I like running my problem by them.  A double or triple bypass was my cue.  I told him I had a 15% ejection refraction.  He stopped, turned to look at me to see if I was serious, believed, and just said... "Wow!"  Okay, so, yeah, my condition is probably serious.  It's hard to take it serious though, even if it does slow me down a lot. 

So, some things on the move.  But... I need, now, to get back to Church!  Yeah, okay, one thing at a time, one crisis at a time.  But Church supersedes KoC.  Now, I have been trying to add KoC, and have done so rather well.  Now to get back into the full groove.  God kept me alive, and sort of moving, I... would like to serve Him.  Not really out of thanks in some ways, as I am not sure my life is a favor.  The favor that allows me to be grateful is is.that I was able to use that time to come back to and find Him.  Yes, that... is a favor.  He called, and called, and called, and I toyed with the idea, and ran away, and came back a bit, and finally entered His home.  Like a dog gone feral, not quite remembering his Master, but... almost.  A steady voice, a bit of His Body and Blood, and...  No, I am still not well heeled.  He knows I never will be, fully.  But I am His... (again?)  Half feral, all gnarly, not so keen on cleanliness, but I'll do His will the best that I can.

Welche tag ist heute?  Dienerstag.  Must be, our meetings are on Tuesday.  Hmm, the next Mass is... Friday I think.  I will need to try to make it.  It will be at noon.  Sort of tight with my weird sleeping.  But I can at least... schedule it in and try.  The next is Saturday at 17:00, I believe, with confession just before.  Then two on Sunday, one at 9:00 or 10:00, then one at 17:00 again.  Something like that.  I'll... recheck those.  Hmm, those used to be on the calendar on my phone too.  My phone must have... glitched.  It lost my mother's birthday and Mass times.  And you wonder why I fall, I can't depend on a single damned crutch!  Bah!

Well, have a good night.  Sleep well.  And know I try every day... except those days I can't be bothered to give a damn.  Yeah, they... happen too.  And, it isn't all a health issue.  Meh.

Up late, late rising, of course.

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Ah, but the chicken was worth it.  Though, that wasn't really the problem.  I was done with cooking, and eating, by 1:00 or 2:00, give or take.  The house had even stayed cool and eating hadn't heated me up.  No, just... I simply am not able to sleep until very late recently.  But it is a bit past 15:00, which means I need to rush a shower in, though if I do I have time to simply dry off well before dressing.  The snacks and such will go together rather easily.  All good.

I noticed some big stink about a senatorial candidate, Akin.  Yeah, sure, he said something he probably shouldn't have.  Sure.  But since he isn't pulling out it behooves Republicans to get behind him rather than standing in his way.  They supported Brown, for GOD's sake.  They better figure this out before the election.  This election, from what I am seeing, could be an absolute and perhaps final smashing of Democrats.  It is not the time to be picking out "unwanteds" who are definitely in the lead (on the GOP ticket side anyway) and definitely running.  It almost looks like they are TRYING to lose the senate by further inflaming the situation.  The only way for this to work is for them to be a team.  Besides, changing horses this far across the river would be a losing strategy anyway.  DON'T take sides with the enemy, for their reasons, ever.  And that is what Republicans have been doing forever, doing what Obama does best (and worst), leading (from behind).  Teh Gey.  Quit the silly shit, and get on with it already.  And, no, reach arounds don't make teh gey kosher.  Shut up, back the man, and let's get on with it.

That is some serious chicken!

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I did get to it.  I first reset dishes to soak, giving them a rough clean while I was at it.  I did that in order to clean the stove a bit and the cast iron pan.  Everything sort of has to work in a certain way, in my mind, which means more work than was intended, but all good.  Those hindquarters are huge!  I do believe there is more meat on any one of them then on a standard smaller type of bird.  I'll wager they weigh a pound and a half to two pounds each.  I roasted them for a half an hour, then gave them another half hour to sit in the cooling oven, surrounded by the cast iron dutch oven.  Then I fried them, rather quickly.  They were, even so, just barely done.  I did happen to squish three of them into my large cast iron frying pan, but that was really pushing it.  The last two got the pan to themselves and even then it was tight.  Still, golden crisp fried chicken, like what your mom or grandma made, or what you might imagine, was just the thing.  Well, that and a large drought of milk. I opened the front door, turned the fan to pull air from it and into the kitchen, opened the windows full tilt, and heat was no problem at all.  It was a perfect night to cook.  I am stuffed to the gills and have three more of those to eat, though I think one at a time is quite enough henceforth.

Tomorrow is the meeting night.  I have my ducks in order, I do believe.  Ice, soda, beer, snacks, and a general knowledge of how to set the meeting room up.  I think it is at 18:00, so I will need to be out of here by 17:00 in order to both be there and set up the room, lay out snacks, and then just chill for a bit.  It depends on what I need to do for the room.  Usually it is used for Sunday school, so it should have all the chairs and tables I need.  That means, a shower earlier in the day too.  Say... by 15:00.  That gives me time to dry off and get dressed after I am completely dry, all at a leisurely pace.  I never said I was a go getter.  In my mind, or if my body responded, I would be busy from morning to night though.  I love to work, to do, to make, even to break if usually only to end up making better.  So, what the world gets is what I have, when I can.

It's almost chilly tonight.  Something I have missed.  I need to remember to close the windows to just a crack, though I think I can leave the front door open.  The screen door locks very well and is rather stout.  Getting in there would make more noise than picking the lock and probably be no easier than breaking down the main door, give or take.  Still, I like having two doors between me and out there when I sleep, two secure doors.  Which... always makes me frown when I see windows.  Why even bother with solid locking doors when you are going to install panoramic windows?  Never mind.  And yet... I wouldn't get rid of those windows.  In the spring, fall, and winter... they are lifesavers and live improvers.  To see the mountains, the sunny days... Yeah, it's worth the risk.  If I could make a "perfect" house, I would still have those windows, they would just be... situated differently, much more securely, above ground by a goodly lot, with angles and a few other things making gaining entrance through them... at least difficult.  But I have what I have, where I am, and that is good enough.  Really.

The archival program is still running. At 17 gigs, and change, it is about to eat this computers memory. It will be interesting to see how far it gets. External hard drives aren't really too expensive. A 500 gb can be had for $70, on up to a 2 tb costing around $120 or so... Frustrating, though, while the cheaper is nice, the efficiency of more memory per dollar is also there. Ah well.

Good night.

What to do.

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It is a cool night, and was yesterday as well.  I gave the food delivery folk the night off.  I had initially mistakenly let them off tonight, thinking it was the meeting night.  And they were happy for it, being tonight they had a meeting of some sort.  Then I quickly reneged, realizing my mistake.  Finally, I just gave them tonight and tomorrow off.  I had chicken thawing, and some pork cutlets, so I should be fine.  If it is cool tonight I may just oven roast the chicken hindquarters for about an half an hour, then pan fry the skin crisp.  That would do nicely.  Leaving me with quite a mess, but...

HTTrack is still going.  At almost 23 hours, and 14.7 gigs, I am starting to get a little nervous.  I did have the thing pull down to as deep of a level as possible, for backup, whatever that means.  I guess I had no idea the thing would be storing in gigs, not megs.  The computer world certainly has changed.  Though, perhaps if it is pulling videos... I do have a lot on there.  And it would be neat to be able to play them back without having to access the internet.  At this rate, the thing can run about three days before I run out of storage.  That isn't difficult to fix, if it will cost.  A simple external hard drive, and really, a terabyte or two isn't that expensive if you don't go hogwild on speed or other things.  Plus, I don't trust this computer, so it might be good to offload the data anyway.  It always ends up costing, doesn't it?  I'm... thinking.

I "owe" several people money, need new tires, have to get my mother plane tickets, need to pay auto taxes, and I am just riding that line with my nest egg.  I dunno about another expense right now.  Ah well, we will see.

I did think about it.  While I am up and awake I can have the windows open full bore, just trim them when I lay down for sleep.  That should do to get more cool and fresh air in.  It reminds me of submarines as is.  Those tubes of steel got quite a smell and rather quickly.  Remember, every human activity, every mechanical and electrical service, all the chemicals for all the purposes, all pretty much stays in there.  There are means of changing out air, freshening or refreshening the air (two very different things), but there really isn't a way to just... clear the air.  My guess is subs that have had the misfortune of having had a fire aboard unless they are serious enough to need to be opened up in drydocks would have a smokey smell for the rest of their career.  Even opening up a sub in drydock, unless it was every single compartment with huge venting fans to boot, wouldn't clear all the air.  There are too many little pockets that trap smells.  A home isn't far from that, when it is well weatherized like mine.  Well, and with cats and an ogre...  add in summer heat, even if now placated...  I now know why kings changed palaces seasonally.  I can only imagine what those places got to smell like, and more before bathing became fashionable.  Ugh.  Weather played a part, go where it is more moderate.  But cleanliness and stench had to also be something to consider.  Yeah, I still have it better.  Plus I don't have to move all the time.

Later.

Hrm?

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The backup continues, for this blog.  It's at 11.36 G?  Really?  Why so much data?  I would have thought my whole blog would be less then that megabits.  I... must have done something wrong... Or it is capturing my blog and the whole of the links associated to it, somehow.  Now, I don't mind if it captures videos.  Or, maybe, that is what IS taking the space.  I don't know, but it is still running.  I haven't found a way to check how much of the blog has been saved, if indeed that is what is happening.  I'll, root around and try to figure things out sooner rather than later.  This loaner machine has 57 and change gigs open, so... There is room if there are limits.  11.36 gigs and still running after after 8-12-16 hours?  Hmm...

I decided to use up the old cat litter first so I won't know if the new stuff was worth the slight extra for a while.  Part of the problem with the home is, even with ac in that room, and that keeping the rest of the house a bit cooler along with the heavy drapes, I can't open my windows all the way now.  A big tom got in a few weeks ago, so I am only opening the windows a bit at night, which limits how much cool I can get in and how much fresh air I can transport through the home.  I do fear getting that "cat person" smell, and how would you know.  I remember meeting people who smelled like they lived with a thousand feral cats.  Bad.  It's almost as bad as the stinky bottom type.  All things an invalid has to fear.  Sitting all day, no matter how clean I try to be, is... a concern.  Which is why I use and change out sitting pillows.  We are more than animals, but by smell, sometimes, you wouldn't know it!  Just... saying.

I do think a lot of my recently physical aches are from the new chair.  I have it set up to be rigid and upright.  And, I like that.  But my body isn't used to it.  While the old chair had no structure, it offered little stress on the body.  This new chair is the equivalent of a... what... back brace?  Yes, something.  I will like it when I get used to it though.

I checked all my drinks, all cold or cooling for tomorrow.  Snacks are in plenty, if I can't find the beef sticks I bought last night.  I have no idea where those went, I'll check the car later.  Sleeping late, then getting up late... While it is not what I want, in the end it is all the same.  Especially since I am not really getting to anything anyway.  I am not sleeping as well, for whatever reason.  Perhaps not being on medicine?  Perhaps as the weather changes?  Perhaps the chair?  Don't know, won't worry about it for now.  Oh, but I do need to get in and get my new plates, and check my drivers license.  Easy things to forget for anyone, more so for me.  Not good things to forget either.

Later. 

So simple.

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It took a while, but I did get the cat litter changed out.  Then the trash out, and recycling.  Plus I remembered to take the trash to the curb, not recycling this week.  I made room in the refrigerator (what a word!) for the beer, put the ice up, fed the cats a bit.  I couldn't sleep, or do much more, so I gamed for a while.  It is hitting 6:00, so time for bed.  I remembered to set the ac on cool, not the "saver" setting.  While "saver" does work, mostly, for short visits, when I need to sleep it just doesn't cut it.  When I go in to sleep I set it for about 3 hours.  By that time I am cool and the room is cool enough to properly maintain an eight hour sleep if I can get that in.

So, I'm ready for the meeting, the house is a bit better off with trash and cat litter out.  The cats are happy, three weeks in a row, I think, that they get fresh litter weekly mostly.  I am clean, myself, though I need to do some laundry.  It was all just so easy.  I don't mind a little bite when I do such things, but... I've become soft.  Or more, a bite means I can't do other things for a while.  Tired though, I wish I could sleep earlier.  I am bored with the game, just figuring out a few last things before another try and a perfect game.  At this stage of game play, gaming has become more like work.  The drudgery of putting everything I have learned together and making it into a smooth, efficient operation.  So many details, so many places, so many quests, so many requirements.  I am nearly done with trophies though, which helps.  Oh, and no more holding onto things I will never need for worry that I won't have what I will need, or want.

Bed time, finally, I believe.  Ugh.  Good night.

Amazing, almost.

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For as tied up as I get, and hunkered down as I can become, sometimes everything seems to be so easy.  Just little windows into how the real world works and perhaps how it could be.  A shower, getting dressed, all a breeze.  Out the door without a thought or worry, no stress or exhaustion.  On into town.  Ah, but there is always a catch, isn't there?  I got out of my vehicle and started heading in.  I noticed the time, slightly after midnight.  Halfway to the store I realized... today is Sunday.  Sunday, after midnight... do they sell beer at that time on this day?  Oh, it's not just Utah, Iowa was like that.  Still, I was there, either way I might do some other shopping.

I spoke with a clerk at the front counter, the only one.  Fair enough it was midnight, if she was a bit backlogged.  Still that is how nights work.  My last lady friend worked just such a job and I visited her from time to time there at work.  Anyway, she goes by the register, and the register had allowed her to sell beer just ten or fifteen minutes before, so she suspected I could buy it.  I grabbed a cart and headed back.  I have decided to try clumping cat litter.  I actually bought two different types to try.  It is a bit more expensive, but if you can believe the packaging it should take less than what I am using now.  We will see.  I also bought beef sticks, to add to the various cheese and peanut butter crackers and nuts, then grabbed beer.  I am a snob about beer.  No, not really the type, more that it is in glass containers.  Goes to my household glass use thing, in part.  But cans give off a distinct taste I don't really appreciate too.

I headed up to the counter to find out if the purchase would go through.  Sure enough.  A different woman was checking, so I asked her about beer sales.  She said there is only one time, one day actually, when she cannot sell alcohol.  Oh?  On election day.  OH???  She said it had something to do with an election about twelve years ago, and people trying to say they were inebriated and shouldn't have their votes counted, or something.  It is, she suspects, a federal law!  Hmm?  I hadn't heard of that one, but then there are many laws I do not know.  So, beer, at after midnight, on Sundays, is fine.  Beer on election day is not.  George Washington HAS to be rolling in his grave.  In his day, he bought votes with beer (as did the other guy, it was just... how things were done).  Never mind.  Oh, and that is true about George.

I grabbed a meal to go on my way home.  I was fed earlier, and that was good, but I haven't been eating enough lately.  Oddly, I lose weight if I eat more, at least up to some level I probably can't reach.  Lose?  Yeah, actually, lose.  Weight loss may not be a heavy priority but it isn't a bother.  I would love to get to 250, and last I weighed I was down to 263 so just 13 pounds away.  So, I'm... trying to eat my way to 250.  *grins*  Don't ask how my body works or why this or that, I might have a few suspicions but I don't really know.

Anyway, I'll be changing out cat litter tonight.  If I have a bag of the old open I will use that up.  Really, it's only good for about a week and then it has to go.  No clumping, no odor control, no good.  Even with three litter boxes it just... spreads the stink around.  Worse when I don't get to it properly, timely.  This other stuff might do better, though both types require daily clump and solid removal.  Perhaps I can fit that in when I feed them, first thing.  Yeah, well, we will see.

One other thing. I had asked DC how he backed up blogs. He gave me the name of a program. Surprisingly, this time, without too much fuss, I actually downloaded it, set it right up, then started it going. I didn't put in any parameters. It is runnning as I speak. I don't know what I will do with the file, though I probably should burn it, and keep it updated, if it works anyway. I'll have to figure out what the file is good for, what sites it can be used in, and such. I would actually like to leave blogspot, too much trouble with them lately. Though it may not just be with them. My guess is the government is... pushing things. Not good things. Though... Google does not have a good rep regarding freedom of thought and such itself. Don't read their lips, look at what they do and support. Crony capitalists at best.

Another hour and I might just hit it.  I hope.  Or not.  Good night, good morning, good bye, for now.

Always good when a failure isn't.

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What you may ask?  Calling my mother on her birthday.  It WAS today, not yesterday as I had feared.  I did call a bit late.  When I realized it was about time to call I found my cellphone quite dead.  Even plugging it in, at that point, will not allow it to function.  Which is odd, as I had it fully recharged yesterday.  Sometimes it simply dies in a matter of hours, other times it will hold a charge for days, nearly a week.  Since I don't use it very often I frequently find it quite dead.  Anyway, she was quite pleased to get the call.  I called once, actually, and she didn't answer.  She called back shortly.  It seems my brother called her right before I did that first time.  I have asked her about birthday presents and such, but she... really... a phone call.  That's... all.  I even offered to have lobster shipped to her, one of her favorite foods.  But she fears cooking them.  No, she just... couldn't think of a thing.  Oh, I know something.  I keep forgetting though.  Help!

I will probably be getting to town yet tonight.  I wouldn't normally, this late, but I want to be sure I have snacks and drinks in line for the meeting.  Actually I might buy enough for two meetings, in case I need to do this again soon.  Beer should do fine down in the cellar.  Ice lasts quite a long time in the freezer too, and is just dandy so long as no one uses it in the beverage.  I will chill some of it, and a run tonight would ensure that the drinks are cold enough, along with making sure the cooler is clean enough (I do actually clean that after use, so... should be fine).  It is a little project, but... it is about all I can really handle.

We are so weak, aren't we?  We are fragile creatures.  Everything, sometimes, seems so thin.  People love you because of what you bring them or do for them.  You can do some things, but it is never as simple as "just doing it", either.  And my cats, for example, are always hungry and yet often don't like what I give them.  I have no idea what to do with Sassy.  I feed her, lately, and she just turns up her nose at the food.  I could say she is ungrateful, but I won't.  I know what it is to receive food you can't tolerate and to have to leave it.  It is the same brand of food she has always eaten though, and there is great variety of both textures and flavors with that brand.  But for the last week the poor waif has simply not been all that interested.  It is cooler, so I thought she would be more heartily on feed.

So much of life seems so shallow.  And much of it is, and has to be.  I suppose wisdom enters when you can see what is and by musts is shallow and then separate that from what is deep and should be given all due resources, and heart.  Still, much of life, from feeding to bathing, is more about just doing it.  Much of our relationships are based on giving and receiving.  Only family is different, and it doesn't always have to be by blood.  My mother, though she didn't give birth to me, is possibly more fully my mother than any woman could be.  She has, at times, tried to make up for not giving us birth.  To which I assure her that she did more, she chose and stuck with her choice.  Even when we rejected her, as I think almost has to happen, for any child and parent.  Then the bond is reforged, if all works out, as an adult relationship (mostly, or sort of, oh... who am I kinding... it does change a goodly bit though).

I was reading at Aunty Belle's Front Porch recently.  I certainly see her point in the way life has changed.  Well educated, she says?  Technically I am not well educated, certainly not by modern standards and most likely not by the old standards either.  I am sort of a mix.  And yet Shakespeare?  Of course I know him.  And I used to know him every bit as well as I knew Poe and the New Testament, King James version.  It does disturb me that modern educated folk know nothing of Shakespeare.  Oh, well, something I should mention is that I rejected Shakespeare before I was past my mid-teens.  Not because he didn't get some things right, or that he wasn't interesting the first dozen readings, only that... he cut a lot of corners using dramatics to get at the heart of things.  While I understand he did that for the masses who didn't have the time to sit and think, and I have had the luxury of all the time in my life to do just that, even as a teen I... varied from that path.  Well, and I suppose I became a bit weary of 'teh blathering', so I do that on my own now.  *laughs*  Don't buy his bull pucky, buy mine!  Innit?

I do note how... mechanized people have become.  Who doesn't have a smart phone?  Who doesn't have access to the internet, often high-speed (for what that really means today), who doesn't have a chip in their car feeding back data to the manufacturer (and possibly being given to the government or whoever else has the power, money, or such to take it)?  So many people are so transfixed on things that mean nothing, including me with my games, that much of life just passes them by.  I honestly think the whole notion behind world peace, at this time, is to get everyone so hooked on tech that they lose interest in fighting.  Well, and they lose self-interest in general.  Crowd control that is voluntary?  It's the best kind.  Me... I don't have a lot of choice.  I either goof on games or sleep too much and end up sore and more out of it.  But most have a choice and choose... giving up their life, the worries, the bothers, to machines.  Electronic heroin. 

Though, the old notions of being well educated were quite... liberal.  There is that.  And I don't mean the good kind of liberal, I mean the indoctrinational sort.  Poe wasn't so bad, but many if not most of the heritage writers were directly or close enough to socialists and communists to make it so that anything read from them was an indoctrination.  My early readings lead me directly to that, until I read history.  History has a way of upending theory, false hope, lies, and such.  It just was.  And the conclusions?  You make up your own mind, but they are rather clear.  History destroys heritage education by disproving it over and over and over again.  So, I'm not too bothered that others have rejected classical education.  What does bother me is that nothing has moved in, yet, to take it's place.  Professional education, of course.  But that isn't... anything like a classical education.  I am surprised the Catholic Church hasn't created a new form of non-liberal liberal education.  I know the Church has been hampered by the government in doing what it prefers with it's educational institutions though, too.  The Church has nearly been severed from control over those.

So, what would a non-liberal liberal education include?  First, history.  Not just remembering dates, places, faces, names... but understanding key points in American and then world history.  Knowing why Rome rose, and fell, and continued to do so several times.  Knowing what generated "The West", "The East", and who the various cultures and players were, how they worked, failed, succeeded.  And that pretty much means who fought, who won, why, and roughly when.  What were the differences?  After that, we get into English as a language and cultural, social, personal, and professional tool of extensive power.  Our American language, all by itself, is a wonder.  It is exceptional.  While others may wish to save dying languages... why?  We already can't actually speak Latin for heavens sake!  As well, the sciences and mathematics would need to be covered to a degree.  Not fictional theories, but the real workings of what makes science science.  Can you prove it?  Then it isn't science.  Can you repeat the proof, can others?  Then it isn't science.  Stick to what is known, get rid of the stuff that has been corrupted.  A class in basic chemistry, a class in basic biology (minus eco-anything), and another course or two in other general sciences, such as electronics.  As for mathematics, I don't think people need to know differential equations for example, or even matrix algebra or even simple algebra to be quite honest.  While I have found uses for most of the mathematics I have taken, most people simply don't contemplate problems to that level.  What they do need is a basic foundation in the simple mathematics, a bit of an education in operational (personal/business) economics, and maybe a little bit just to throw them a curve... Perhaps algebra would do nicely there, for most. 

All of this would be set up to create a society of the educated that work from common principles.  Where they go with it, what they do with it, would be up to them.  While I don't believe in centralization, for the most part, I do believe there has to be a basic core of understanding from which people can begin to do their work.  As is, there is no common core.  There is... just smatterings of whatever.  It is a break down in our education system, society, politics, and the rest.  I am not precisely sure what the exact root of the cause is, though I think excessive wealth may be a big part of the blame.  We are, or were, too successful.  Or at least we borrowed and lied our way into believing that.  I don't know.  I just liked her article and my mind began to whir...

Ah, I best get cleaned and dressed in order to head out at some kind of time so that I might return in some sort of reasonable time frame.  Later of good night.  And, again, happy Birthday Mom.  You are well loved.

At least sleep was good.

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The last few nights I haven't been able to get to bed until very late.  Further, sleep has not been good.  It may have something to do with getting used to the new chair.  The position is different, and with a solid back, I can actually "relax" into the chair, but in a more upright solid position.  Well, that and soft of coming down off medicine.  It takes a while for that to work it's way out.  Tomorrow I hope to make an appointment to get things going again.  I really think I should, and I really would like to see if my heart has improved at all or if this has been a wasted effort.  I have decided that the medicines do help, marginally.  They hurt too, if not as much as they help.  Everything, with my health, is extremely marginal.  At least so far.

It is cloudy, or overcast really.  There aren't clouds so much as a smudged sky.  This summer, it turns out, has been brutal.  Higher temps, no rain very few overcast days.  I guess that is why I was having such trouble this year with heat, compared to the last few years.  It IS a bad year.  Good to know.  The stored water is at 71%, so those who use that for fields are okay.  Those who depend on other sources of water are in serious trouble, with the season already over for many of them who would usually harvest several lots right on through to September, down to 10% of yields.  Which means cattle are being, or going to be, put down by the herd.  That will lower prices this year and raise them for at least the next several years.  This adds to other things that have been going on with cattle.  Meat is about to become extremely expensive.  Add to that, grain is being impacted and grazing land has been destroyed, and you see where that is going.  Life is about to get tough, adding unemployment and underemployment only adds grimace to grim.  I won't even go into the economic realities beyond all these.  Enough already and little to do about it.  Buckle your belts, say a prayer, and learn what family is about.  Because money and food have just... hit reality?  Something.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  But that has always been our lot.  We lived in a seemingly impossibly fertile time.  We saw marvels, from men landing on the moon to the mapping of (one of trillions) of genetic codings possible for men.  We saw a seeming unending economic monolith created, not realizing it was pie in the sky albeit, born on the back of the most evil genocide, one against children.  And we all drank heartily from that bloody pool, one way or another, knowingly or not.  Payment is past due and the devil doesn't wait.  The good thing?  What the devil takes in payment is what we need to lose in order to regain our composure.  Odd how that works, but it does.  Suffering, humility, pain even?  These aren't to be sought, but they aren't to be shunned, either.  See where they come from.  Pain means you are alive.  Life is the only real magic of this world, and human life is the most magical of all.  Humility allows us to know there is something contrary to that, and seek it.  And yet, I think in the end, we find that humility is also a virtue on it's own if we search deeply enough.  But there is a positive counter to it.  We find both of those, when we seek, the same place we find the source of wisdom, in God.  So, all these things have their place and purpose.  And offer the hope of renewal.  All good, really, let the devil have his dues.  And good riddance.

I ought to get back to goofing.  Have a good day.

Sleep!

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I made great efforts to sleep, even trying an old trick that I prefer not to use.  It just won't happen.  What's worse is that I am dead bone-deep tired.  It will happen when it happens, I guess.  Today I feel old, but more just tired and sore from being awake I think.  Actually that is rather rare.  Then again, even when I was young and would push things, I would feel just this way.  Yeah, I remember some things.

I looked up diabetes, on a number of sites.  I really just don't fit that diagnosis.  My guess is there are those with diabetes, and those with a condition that can be similar but is based on something other than the actual disease.  The heart, of course, might not get enough blood to the organs that need them to make the body use the blood sugars as they should.  Or the organs aren't getting enough oxygen to supplement the "burn".  While it looks like diabetes, at times, it... really isn't, at all.  Further, if I had to guess, I go through various stages of many illnesses all the time.  A diagnostician, without knowing about my heart, would pull out his hair trying to figure things out.  And, well, they did.  The thing is I never know what will be next.  Will my liver start quitting for a bit, pancreas? brain?  Everything is up for grabs, I think.  My body does the best it can do but it is perpetually in short supply, so something has to... be allowed to suffer.

You know though, I am actually fortunate that they did not realize I had a heart condition back when this all started.  They would definitely have insisted on a heart transplant.  Recipients only live, the max as I have heard things, about nine years.  Okay, do the math, that means I would have been dead about 16 years ago.  And, yeah, I would have followed the doctors instructions and advice back then.  Now, in one sense, that might have been a kinder way to go.  But on the other hand, who wants to be dead?  *grins*  Perhaps I did then, but it is as much because I didn't know what was wrong with me as it was that I was ill.  Or, that I thought I was mentally ill.  I had... things to do.  And I couldn't.  All of that combined.  I'm much better now, and glad to be alive, even on days such as this.

I still think I have another couple of decades in me.  But, to be honest, this last part is going to hurt.  If I live past that, those last years are going to be absolutely brutal.  I'm hoping I don't lose any limbs, but so far I have lost no feeling in them.  Actually, as I said, they are quite sensitive.  But the dark skin on my shin area...  I know what that means.  They have recommended compression socks.  But beside adding great heat to the area, they are also rather expensive and difficult to maintain.  Further, the material is just absolutely perfect for growing bacteria and fungus, something that would ensure a foot loss, or two.  And I don't have the strength, or strength of will, to learn to use a prosthetic leg.  Too brutal, and I am too old a dog in too many ways.  My friend is having trouble with that himself.

It's hard to believe but my mother turned 70.  While she is 70, she also very much isn't.  Several people who were told her age suggested that while she is 70, she isn't that old.  Oh, I know she feels it at times.  But she is still the woman/girl she always has been.  She might not skip and hop, after two major back surgeries (the last quite successful), both knees replaced, a hip surgery, and several foot surgeries, I can't really blame her.  But she might as well be skipping.  She is rather amazing.  I have to think I gained some of what I am from her.  And, I forgot to call her on her birthday!  Gah!  I'll stay up and call this morning.  Unless... I mixed up her birth date again?  Never mind.

Good day, and soon, maybe, hopefully, good night.