.
.
Bit by bit, even on the weekend, I am able to do some of the last business I have to do. I have reserved a place for the way to my destination and I have set the wheels in motion to have a crew here to load the truck on the day I get it so that I will be ready to leave the following morning. Packing is going slow but sure. I am focusing and tracking well. The fear and worry leading up to things, I must assume, are natural. Even if it does not look like it will come together, it does. This reminds me of the weeks leading up to finals. Perfection is not to be had but perfection is not needed. And yet, I think unless I have a heart attack or stroke in the next week, I will have it all done, and well done. I suppose I am supposed to sweat things. That sweating lets me physically and mentally know I really need to get busy. The result is that things get done.
I was thinking about fighting, after reading one of my usual suspect blogs. It has been a decade since I have been in a fight. And, it had been a decade since the fight between the last one and the one before it. I wonder how much I have lost? I wondered that, too, before the last fight. I had thought I had lost it all. In the last fight, the guy hit me from behind, in the head, about three times, and he was very angry. It did not phase me. And, to be honest, when I went for him I was trying to not murderate him, consciously, and seriously. In three hits, I put him in the hospital for a week and a half. He would have fallen to the pavement if I had not caught and held him until his friend showed up and took over (and yeah, I was making sure his friend was not going to start something himself). They brought an ambulance and all. The cops knew me, and knew I avoided such involvements (I was a bouncer). I told them what happened and with witnesses, that was that, I never heard another word about it legally or socially.
I have to admit, fighting is always on my mind. I see threats, dangers, and the means of avoiding or putting those down. I generally do not need to fight dirty, but I have been in enough bad situations that I certainly know how to fight mean and I have zero worry about doing so if needed. For the most part, being in the land of milk and honey, I do not go for the kill unless faced with a lethal threat, and never have here. But, at least in my mind, I have absolutely no doubt that I have the will and the way to kill. My preferred fighting method is avoidance, these days. I will rarely just turn my back on a threat though, walking away is not done in a prone position. There are too many punks out there, of all ages. The only reason I turned my back on the last threat was he was walking away when I turned and I wanted to find out what the whole deal was about, or actually, I was sloppy.
I am weaker though, older, slower, and out of practice. I will never know how much I have left unless I fight. I have some hope I never have the need to find out again. I like leading a peaceful life. I know I still have that blood lust though. It will be there forever. I look for the threat, the enemy, the thief, and the killer. Sometimes I see them, but I see they are not for me. Sometimes I see serious ones, professionals. They almost smell different. They are unique, like combat soldiers, snipers who have been blooded, and such, but different from even these. I have even considered such an occupation, or vigalanteism. But I did not feel the call and the other, perhaps better, side of me disuaded me. The call I was hearing, as well, pulled me to a different place. However, I feel too, that God has asked me to keep what of that I can. Whether to have it in reserve or whether He will have me use it, I cannot know. That I can still see is a bit of a comfort. As I said though, I am not sure how good I still am.
I have been in many fights, fist fights. I have knocked at least 4 people out cold, I have broken more noses than I can remember, and I have been in fights where there have been 3, 4, and even 7 opponents. I learned how to level the playing field, how to hurt people quickly, and more. That was my youth. As an adult, who knows. My memories are confused. I am pretty sure I got better, or worse, depending on how you look at it. I lost the passion while in the situation. Now, it is just business. I do not get angry, I try to think tactically, and I look for the inside and opportunity. As far as I know, I have had no training. Well, believable training. Maybe my way is the natural course for a decade and a half of street fighting.
I just needed to get that off my mind. Now I can get back to thinking about the last bit of work or, more, doing the last bit of work. These little blog breaks are great though, for a thousand reasons. Oh, my lady friend returned from her trip. It seems she is planning to take me out for brunch tomorrow. She needs to do laundry, but I think that was a secondary consideration. I have a little gift for her too, something, I had promised long ago. I think she will be pleased. I know I will have my last promise to her taken care of, other than that I will pray she finds her way. And that I will be just a phone call away. I doubt if she will ever visit, for good or ill, but even that for a short term is open.
Doh! Back to it.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Self control, with a little help from a Friend.
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I realize, as I am putting my life and self into order, that the rest of life seems to fall into line. As I am learning to control my lust, I find that women seem to naturally find their place in our dealings rather than trying to create a place. As I am learning to control greed, fear, and other emotions and notions, my needs are more easily met, my money even when some of it gets stolen, lasts longer and fits my needs more fully and then my wants are easier to prioritize and facilitate. It really is up to me, as an individual, to put my life in order so that life makes sense. The government cannot help. The church may be used as a tool in a general way, and sometimes specifically. And friends and family have their places too. But those are more like seasoning to a meal. Either the meal holds up, plates, and is happily consumed on it's own, or the dish fails regardless of what has been added to it.
I did research the USU (Utah State University) last night while not sleeping. To be honest, it looks much like the UoI. Academically, socially, egalitarian and all. I am thinking about things, and this is one of them. I am not sure I would be ready to begin this fall, or ever. But living so close to a new chance would allow me to peak in and see if I could handle going. Living in the area a bit, I could easily find out if the environment is as hostile to my beliefs, adding to the difficulty of the course work, or not hostile and lending some solace to my intellectual sojourn. I am not sure whether this is even where I will settle down in the first place. Then again, I am a man of questions. And a man of hope, if it does not always show.
They do have electrical engineering, but they also have the usual roundup of engineering offerings, to include aeronautical engineering, something I am somewhat unfamiliar with. It seems as if aeronautical engineering is a slice from mechanical engineering. I know, if nothing else, should I decide to go back to school, I would like to re-evaluate my major. I have done little in the way of electrical engineering core. I have done just about everything but that, to include some of my senior options. Why, I cannot say. It seems that what was available and how I was being guided gave me everything but what I was going into, for course work. I think the only things I would need to get other than core are physics II and an upper level economics course. The rest is simply core.
I will be keeping some things available when I go. I have some materials which have helped me freshen up my physics, calculus, and general lower math skills quickly and easily. Those will be kept with the clothes I am taking to the apartment. As well, and depending on the size of the place, I may be taking my weights and abdominal machine. I think my computers will work for viewing the DVD portions of my refresher courses. I do not want a television, DVD player, VHS, and probably not even an internet connection. I would guess, in a college town, I can use hotspots to browse, blog if I want (and more privately), and use my email accounts. I want the cave to be barren, with three provisios. I would like to at least have a microwave oven and refrigerator of some type and I will need air conditioning of some sort. The rest will be as spartan and utilitarian as possible. I even hope the bed is lumpy, so long as it is clean.
While looking at the University web pages, I also looked at what the school offers for both students and the public. They have a decent swimming pool, several clubs I would be interested in from climbing, hiking, backpacking, canoeing/kayaking, to snow skiing and shooting. If I end up back in school or not, I think many of these things would still be somewhat available to me, if at a slightly higher cost. All of the offering are reasonable, even at the higher cost. Going out cross country or telimarx skiing, for the first time, with people who know what they are doing, would be worth any extra money. I would also guess, as I get there and look around, I will find other sources for groups, learning, and activity.
In the end, however, it comes down to me. I have to place calls, meet people, pay fees, and ultimately get off my butt and go do. I think the world according to me comes down to that. I am not sure I can do it, but the world, there, most likely, truly is my oyster in a bay full of easy to get oyster. All I have to do is wade in, wade out, and if I am picky, add my own salt and lemon or lime. I think this is my final chance at whatever I decide or can do. And, I will either learn to live there or I will die there. I like that, too. In 3 to 6 months I will know what is to be my fate.
Well, back to work. I think I have some gumption and I will use it. Be well, have a good day, and may you find something, many things, to be grateful to have, know, hold, or look forward to in your real or even imagined future. I worry, though I should not worry, about you too. Every one of you. Good day.
.
I realize, as I am putting my life and self into order, that the rest of life seems to fall into line. As I am learning to control my lust, I find that women seem to naturally find their place in our dealings rather than trying to create a place. As I am learning to control greed, fear, and other emotions and notions, my needs are more easily met, my money even when some of it gets stolen, lasts longer and fits my needs more fully and then my wants are easier to prioritize and facilitate. It really is up to me, as an individual, to put my life in order so that life makes sense. The government cannot help. The church may be used as a tool in a general way, and sometimes specifically. And friends and family have their places too. But those are more like seasoning to a meal. Either the meal holds up, plates, and is happily consumed on it's own, or the dish fails regardless of what has been added to it.
I did research the USU (Utah State University) last night while not sleeping. To be honest, it looks much like the UoI. Academically, socially, egalitarian and all. I am thinking about things, and this is one of them. I am not sure I would be ready to begin this fall, or ever. But living so close to a new chance would allow me to peak in and see if I could handle going. Living in the area a bit, I could easily find out if the environment is as hostile to my beliefs, adding to the difficulty of the course work, or not hostile and lending some solace to my intellectual sojourn. I am not sure whether this is even where I will settle down in the first place. Then again, I am a man of questions. And a man of hope, if it does not always show.
They do have electrical engineering, but they also have the usual roundup of engineering offerings, to include aeronautical engineering, something I am somewhat unfamiliar with. It seems as if aeronautical engineering is a slice from mechanical engineering. I know, if nothing else, should I decide to go back to school, I would like to re-evaluate my major. I have done little in the way of electrical engineering core. I have done just about everything but that, to include some of my senior options. Why, I cannot say. It seems that what was available and how I was being guided gave me everything but what I was going into, for course work. I think the only things I would need to get other than core are physics II and an upper level economics course. The rest is simply core.
I will be keeping some things available when I go. I have some materials which have helped me freshen up my physics, calculus, and general lower math skills quickly and easily. Those will be kept with the clothes I am taking to the apartment. As well, and depending on the size of the place, I may be taking my weights and abdominal machine. I think my computers will work for viewing the DVD portions of my refresher courses. I do not want a television, DVD player, VHS, and probably not even an internet connection. I would guess, in a college town, I can use hotspots to browse, blog if I want (and more privately), and use my email accounts. I want the cave to be barren, with three provisios. I would like to at least have a microwave oven and refrigerator of some type and I will need air conditioning of some sort. The rest will be as spartan and utilitarian as possible. I even hope the bed is lumpy, so long as it is clean.
While looking at the University web pages, I also looked at what the school offers for both students and the public. They have a decent swimming pool, several clubs I would be interested in from climbing, hiking, backpacking, canoeing/kayaking, to snow skiing and shooting. If I end up back in school or not, I think many of these things would still be somewhat available to me, if at a slightly higher cost. All of the offering are reasonable, even at the higher cost. Going out cross country or telimarx skiing, for the first time, with people who know what they are doing, would be worth any extra money. I would also guess, as I get there and look around, I will find other sources for groups, learning, and activity.
In the end, however, it comes down to me. I have to place calls, meet people, pay fees, and ultimately get off my butt and go do. I think the world according to me comes down to that. I am not sure I can do it, but the world, there, most likely, truly is my oyster in a bay full of easy to get oyster. All I have to do is wade in, wade out, and if I am picky, add my own salt and lemon or lime. I think this is my final chance at whatever I decide or can do. And, I will either learn to live there or I will die there. I like that, too. In 3 to 6 months I will know what is to be my fate.
Well, back to work. I think I have some gumption and I will use it. Be well, have a good day, and may you find something, many things, to be grateful to have, know, hold, or look forward to in your real or even imagined future. I worry, though I should not worry, about you too. Every one of you. Good day.
Some rest was had after all.
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After waking early and not being able to sleep, I finally was able to go back to bed and sleep well. I dreamed in that second sleep. I dreamed that almost all of the world, church people and not, understood that God was not a real being. In the dream, they had no real reason not to believe, they just chose not to for the most part. Those who went to church merely did it as a social club, literally and knowingly. The more elaborate, for Catholics, the better. Church for them was fun with all the imagery, chants, prayers, and kneeling. And then there were me and a few others who actually believe. We were seen as quaint, and put up with to a degree. Though they did not really laugh at us, they did wait somewhat impatiently for us to 'get with the program' and just start having some fun. If anything, they thought we were sad little beings, constrained for no reason.
Of course, as a character in the dream, I did not know this. I only knew it from outside my character yet within the dream. In the dream, those of us who believe in God, the bible, Christ, and the Holy spirit, along with the trinity or whatever faith we followed, were just sort of kept out of the loop. We were not really welcome to be part of the main groups. We were considered like children, developmentally flawed children. It is difficult to say how far into the church it went, but certainly it was true for most laity, some clerics, and perhaps into the higher ranks to some degree. I was not able to see farther than fairly local. Perhaps the higher orders were considered like me. I just could not tell from the dream.
Though I think the dream is a bit extreme, I do think this is a reasonably large part of the church. By the recent election, I can see that the pope and my beliefs are not predominant. We are at best a weak minority in the American Catholic church laity. The dream did not bother me, as I already understand this as such. I just wrote about something like that before resting the second time. Well, I should say, it does bother me but it is not a new or more severe troubling notion. On the good side, my ribs are almost back to normal. Pain from them is down to a 3 or 4, and falling. I no longer need to take Tylenol or ibuprofen in order to sleep! I hate choking down pills, for any reason, anyway.
My nightly prayers are ongoing. I continue to pray for those in and out of my circle, to give thanks, to open my life to Christ again each night, to ask forgiveness and the wisdom to forgive as well, for His will, and once in a while I remind God that a good wife, and then children, would be a gift greater than any other gift. I ask for the strength, foresight, and wisdom to carry out His will, whatever it may be. And, I try to turn over my worries and doubts. These, as I see it, are failings in my faith, and sins if put more succinctly. If I have not formalized my prayers yet, that is on the way. Sometimes, I pray if I wake up and am having troubles falling asleep. I do not ask for assistance in sleeping, I just pray again.
I need to get to packing. I really have not been getting done what needs to be done. Lack of energy, over heating, other tasks, uncertainty in the planning process, and exhaustion have all played a part. But now, with the truck on hold, a place to move into, and time drawing nigh, I best get off it and and get on it, if you know what I mean. And I have one less day with tomorrow being used to do things for my lady friend.
Have a good day. Oh, and why not go out and have a root beer ice cream float, ice cream sundae, or banana split? Gee, it is a Saturday, it is summer, and even if we are no longer kids, are we ever not kids sometimes? :p Race ya!?!
.
After waking early and not being able to sleep, I finally was able to go back to bed and sleep well. I dreamed in that second sleep. I dreamed that almost all of the world, church people and not, understood that God was not a real being. In the dream, they had no real reason not to believe, they just chose not to for the most part. Those who went to church merely did it as a social club, literally and knowingly. The more elaborate, for Catholics, the better. Church for them was fun with all the imagery, chants, prayers, and kneeling. And then there were me and a few others who actually believe. We were seen as quaint, and put up with to a degree. Though they did not really laugh at us, they did wait somewhat impatiently for us to 'get with the program' and just start having some fun. If anything, they thought we were sad little beings, constrained for no reason.
Of course, as a character in the dream, I did not know this. I only knew it from outside my character yet within the dream. In the dream, those of us who believe in God, the bible, Christ, and the Holy spirit, along with the trinity or whatever faith we followed, were just sort of kept out of the loop. We were not really welcome to be part of the main groups. We were considered like children, developmentally flawed children. It is difficult to say how far into the church it went, but certainly it was true for most laity, some clerics, and perhaps into the higher ranks to some degree. I was not able to see farther than fairly local. Perhaps the higher orders were considered like me. I just could not tell from the dream.
Though I think the dream is a bit extreme, I do think this is a reasonably large part of the church. By the recent election, I can see that the pope and my beliefs are not predominant. We are at best a weak minority in the American Catholic church laity. The dream did not bother me, as I already understand this as such. I just wrote about something like that before resting the second time. Well, I should say, it does bother me but it is not a new or more severe troubling notion. On the good side, my ribs are almost back to normal. Pain from them is down to a 3 or 4, and falling. I no longer need to take Tylenol or ibuprofen in order to sleep! I hate choking down pills, for any reason, anyway.
My nightly prayers are ongoing. I continue to pray for those in and out of my circle, to give thanks, to open my life to Christ again each night, to ask forgiveness and the wisdom to forgive as well, for His will, and once in a while I remind God that a good wife, and then children, would be a gift greater than any other gift. I ask for the strength, foresight, and wisdom to carry out His will, whatever it may be. And, I try to turn over my worries and doubts. These, as I see it, are failings in my faith, and sins if put more succinctly. If I have not formalized my prayers yet, that is on the way. Sometimes, I pray if I wake up and am having troubles falling asleep. I do not ask for assistance in sleeping, I just pray again.
I need to get to packing. I really have not been getting done what needs to be done. Lack of energy, over heating, other tasks, uncertainty in the planning process, and exhaustion have all played a part. But now, with the truck on hold, a place to move into, and time drawing nigh, I best get off it and and get on it, if you know what I mean. And I have one less day with tomorrow being used to do things for my lady friend.
Have a good day. Oh, and why not go out and have a root beer ice cream float, ice cream sundae, or banana split? Gee, it is a Saturday, it is summer, and even if we are no longer kids, are we ever not kids sometimes? :p Race ya!?!
Sleep, or the lack of it.
.
.
I did get some sleep. After needing to go to the bathroom for the umpteenth time, as much out of boredom or more than of actual need, and finally just giving up on being able to sleep or fall asleep again, I decided to get up for a bit. Perhaps I can sleep in a while. I admit to not being fully awake, so I will try to not say too much. When I do, I usually step on toes and seem to neither care if I do seem to know, and yet I really do care. Those partial dream posts get me in almost as much trouble as when I used to drink and post. Perhaps when I move I really should give up blogging.
I have been drinking a lot of fluid lately, though no alcohol (which I have pretty much given up, mostly). I would put it at 5 quarts of water or more, 4 sodas or more, and another quart or two of whole milk a day. And, I seem hooked on drinking and needing to pee. I had best cut back on the sugar, I think, again. I thought it might help me work, packing and such, but it has not been helping. It might be allowing me to stay awake though, but that is only moderately useful. I would bet my diabetes is out of control again. I have a lot of work to do, and am not sure how I am going to get it all done. I have a day shy of a week to finish and have the moving truck packed. Oh, and hot, I have been very hot. With the central air set at 66, and with a fan, I am still a bit warm. My hands would melt chocolate at as soon as I touch it.
Not sure what I am blogging about anymore these days. I think mostly I am trying to get my tasks in order, bring some order to my mind on what I must do, and griping about things that cross my path which I feel the need or want to gripe about. Though too, as I am taking steps in my faith, I do try to add those. I suppose with every pile of dirt, there ought to at least be the potential for diamonds. If this pile of dross has any such things, I truly hope that last is it.
I realize that much of my faith matters is seen, by the world at large, as between foolish and laughable. Believing in God, believing that the belief and further faith means I should do anything in real life regarding God and my faith, and certainly celibacy. Even if I was not conservative, this alone might well put me on the neo-national terrorist list. God forbid I might speak about such things or that someone might here them and believe there is such a thing as responsibility, accountability, or anything else coexisting with rights and freedoms. Or that I believe those rights and freedoms are God given, so irrelevant to man's laws to some degree. Yes, I know, I am way out there.
I, of course, and now, would not change that for the world. There is not enough gold to buy me off, there are no easy women who could set me off, and there is not a thing that could pull me off, if I do stray on my own. When I stray, I soon find myself in the wrong side of town and do my level best to figure out where I am, where I should be, how to get there, and what price must be paid for straying and pay the fine. Better to pay here than there. And, fine, I will admit I am often lost. I probably will be until the day I die, since I am a curious sort and I prefer to travel, one way or the other, rather than just hunkering down.
I may investigate college where I am going a bit more closely. I thought not attending school this last term would end my relationship with the VA, but they recently sent me a letter asking for an appointment. The date for the suggested meeting is after I am gone, so I may ask that they send my case to where I am going and where I might find a fresh start. If the situation is as difficult there as it is here, I may still go to college, but from now on with my own money. I have not looked at the programs there, let alone put in an application. Considering I will have plenty of time on my hands, it might not be a horrible thing to do. Hmm, since I cannot sleep anyway, and while my mind is on it, I might just go look at what that school offers. A switch to mechanical or aeronautical engineering may be required, who knows.
*poof*
.
I did get some sleep. After needing to go to the bathroom for the umpteenth time, as much out of boredom or more than of actual need, and finally just giving up on being able to sleep or fall asleep again, I decided to get up for a bit. Perhaps I can sleep in a while. I admit to not being fully awake, so I will try to not say too much. When I do, I usually step on toes and seem to neither care if I do seem to know, and yet I really do care. Those partial dream posts get me in almost as much trouble as when I used to drink and post. Perhaps when I move I really should give up blogging.
I have been drinking a lot of fluid lately, though no alcohol (which I have pretty much given up, mostly). I would put it at 5 quarts of water or more, 4 sodas or more, and another quart or two of whole milk a day. And, I seem hooked on drinking and needing to pee. I had best cut back on the sugar, I think, again. I thought it might help me work, packing and such, but it has not been helping. It might be allowing me to stay awake though, but that is only moderately useful. I would bet my diabetes is out of control again. I have a lot of work to do, and am not sure how I am going to get it all done. I have a day shy of a week to finish and have the moving truck packed. Oh, and hot, I have been very hot. With the central air set at 66, and with a fan, I am still a bit warm. My hands would melt chocolate at as soon as I touch it.
Not sure what I am blogging about anymore these days. I think mostly I am trying to get my tasks in order, bring some order to my mind on what I must do, and griping about things that cross my path which I feel the need or want to gripe about. Though too, as I am taking steps in my faith, I do try to add those. I suppose with every pile of dirt, there ought to at least be the potential for diamonds. If this pile of dross has any such things, I truly hope that last is it.
I realize that much of my faith matters is seen, by the world at large, as between foolish and laughable. Believing in God, believing that the belief and further faith means I should do anything in real life regarding God and my faith, and certainly celibacy. Even if I was not conservative, this alone might well put me on the neo-national terrorist list. God forbid I might speak about such things or that someone might here them and believe there is such a thing as responsibility, accountability, or anything else coexisting with rights and freedoms. Or that I believe those rights and freedoms are God given, so irrelevant to man's laws to some degree. Yes, I know, I am way out there.
I, of course, and now, would not change that for the world. There is not enough gold to buy me off, there are no easy women who could set me off, and there is not a thing that could pull me off, if I do stray on my own. When I stray, I soon find myself in the wrong side of town and do my level best to figure out where I am, where I should be, how to get there, and what price must be paid for straying and pay the fine. Better to pay here than there. And, fine, I will admit I am often lost. I probably will be until the day I die, since I am a curious sort and I prefer to travel, one way or the other, rather than just hunkering down.
I may investigate college where I am going a bit more closely. I thought not attending school this last term would end my relationship with the VA, but they recently sent me a letter asking for an appointment. The date for the suggested meeting is after I am gone, so I may ask that they send my case to where I am going and where I might find a fresh start. If the situation is as difficult there as it is here, I may still go to college, but from now on with my own money. I have not looked at the programs there, let alone put in an application. Considering I will have plenty of time on my hands, it might not be a horrible thing to do. Hmm, since I cannot sleep anyway, and while my mind is on it, I might just go look at what that school offers. A switch to mechanical or aeronautical engineering may be required, who knows.
*poof*
Friday, June 26, 2009
Even with competent help, things take time.
.
.
Getting the fax out took forever. The woman we were working with did not know how to get her land line from advancing the call to her cell phone, so it simply would not accept the fax. I did not know how to correct this (though on my own I could have figured it out, it's just a new technology so it is not in my repertoire) , she was a complete technophobe I believe, and though my neighbor knew how to do this, doing it through her was impossible. She ended up calling the owner and having us fax this material to him. But it took two hours, I would guess, or more, dealing with that. My visit to the bank was quicker but that was still and hour plus. I ended up not having time to finish all of the business on my schedule. The last task I was able to do was to reserve a moving truck, along with the package I wanted, on the day I will want it.
The neighbor lady had asked if I still had some of the enchilada casserole, part deux. Of course I do, I suggested. So, she asked if she could come over for dinner tonight. And, if she does show up, she will be welcome. But I might just ask her to go out to dinner somewhere tonight. I really just want to get out of the house, have a good meal, and enjoy some pretty (if tweaky) feminine company. Then again, I think all women are a bit flakey. I suppose that is part of the program, and part of what is attractive about them. Who knows. Then again, most women think I am pretty flakey, and that is good by me. I would like to go to a decent place, but I am not exactly looking at spending over $50 or $60, with tax. Just a nice, sit down, full, and good meal. I wish I could do more, but I am still a bit nervous about money.
One of the things I had to do at the bank was to check my accounts. It is possible that I have been spending more than usual, with the move, paying extra on the Xterra to make up for lost time, and such but I seem to have a problem. Money seems to be leaking out faster than I am spending it. With my computer less than reliable, I have turned off online access, so printed reviews are as good as it gets. I have not seen anything that is not my doing, though I cannot be sure, either. And, there was an apparent illegal access of my debit card information a few months ago. I just read the letter today. I had ignored it, thinking it was just some usual bank junk. It was bad enough they had sent out new debit cards. I am pretty sure where it went, though I never received the card. They did not know where it was, so they canceled that one and are going to send one to my new address. This city has fallen, and hard, into bad times. At least they could tell the card had not been used.
I am really hoping life is not so Northside Chicago where I am going. Hopefully it is not anyside Chicago like this city and state have become. Spreading criminals out over a whole state does not make the crime go away, it just taxes the people who had lived in relatively crime free areas for most of their lives. Not only were we not used to crime, like this, at this level, but we were not used to the militarization of the police forces needed to handle it. Now everyone is a criminal and the police are taking cover. It is a creepy time to be an Iowan. Add to the fact the the prosecution has either voluntarily or by mandate become politically correct to the silly level of Nifong, failing to prosecute serious and real crimes, while hitting whites harder in order to at least be "able" to prosecute some minorities, in some egalitarian nightmare. No wonder every man and woman capable of real work and with moral intent is fleeing this rat's nest. And, like I said, you had best not dare defend yourself here.
Criminals to the left, leftists to the other left, and no way out other than moving. A lot of locals think I am over-reacting. And they will until they have to deal with one or the other of those elements. When they become a criminal for calling in a complaint on a minority, a legitimate complaint, they will understand. When they see an "open 24 hour" business closed with it's curtains closed, and they think about calling the police only to realize that will make them a prime suspect so they pass. Or when they have trespassers that neither they nor the police can do anything about, in the middle of the night or in broad daylight, they will learn. The numbers are swelling, too. The schools are inundated with troubles they were never meant to serve. My leaving is good riddance, I would guess for me, the city, and the state.
Monday I have a full list of things to do. Final calls, a vehicle inspection in order to ensure the rental of the trailer it sitting upon, more packing, an oil change and inspection on my Xterra, and who knows what else will grab my attention and propel me to some odd task, call, purchase, or such. This weekend will offer no respite. I need to finish some packing, Sunday is the only day I can get the television, surround, and stereo systems to my lady friend. She also, finally, wants me to set up her computer. I will do what I can. She does not have ac, or more honestly refuses to use what I bought here, so I will most likely only be able to set up the television before needing a break. Then again, she could take me to a good lunch somewhere while I cool off, and between tasks. I'll probably "suggest" that, though, even if she does put up the ac for me. If it is just blasted hot though, she might only get one job done. She is my equal, she says, she may just have to figure it out. What is it with women and technology, anyway? Let alone equality.
Well, have a good afternoon and evening.
.
Getting the fax out took forever. The woman we were working with did not know how to get her land line from advancing the call to her cell phone, so it simply would not accept the fax. I did not know how to correct this (though on my own I could have figured it out, it's just a new technology so it is not in my repertoire) , she was a complete technophobe I believe, and though my neighbor knew how to do this, doing it through her was impossible. She ended up calling the owner and having us fax this material to him. But it took two hours, I would guess, or more, dealing with that. My visit to the bank was quicker but that was still and hour plus. I ended up not having time to finish all of the business on my schedule. The last task I was able to do was to reserve a moving truck, along with the package I wanted, on the day I will want it.
The neighbor lady had asked if I still had some of the enchilada casserole, part deux. Of course I do, I suggested. So, she asked if she could come over for dinner tonight. And, if she does show up, she will be welcome. But I might just ask her to go out to dinner somewhere tonight. I really just want to get out of the house, have a good meal, and enjoy some pretty (if tweaky) feminine company. Then again, I think all women are a bit flakey. I suppose that is part of the program, and part of what is attractive about them. Who knows. Then again, most women think I am pretty flakey, and that is good by me. I would like to go to a decent place, but I am not exactly looking at spending over $50 or $60, with tax. Just a nice, sit down, full, and good meal. I wish I could do more, but I am still a bit nervous about money.
One of the things I had to do at the bank was to check my accounts. It is possible that I have been spending more than usual, with the move, paying extra on the Xterra to make up for lost time, and such but I seem to have a problem. Money seems to be leaking out faster than I am spending it. With my computer less than reliable, I have turned off online access, so printed reviews are as good as it gets. I have not seen anything that is not my doing, though I cannot be sure, either. And, there was an apparent illegal access of my debit card information a few months ago. I just read the letter today. I had ignored it, thinking it was just some usual bank junk. It was bad enough they had sent out new debit cards. I am pretty sure where it went, though I never received the card. They did not know where it was, so they canceled that one and are going to send one to my new address. This city has fallen, and hard, into bad times. At least they could tell the card had not been used.
I am really hoping life is not so Northside Chicago where I am going. Hopefully it is not anyside Chicago like this city and state have become. Spreading criminals out over a whole state does not make the crime go away, it just taxes the people who had lived in relatively crime free areas for most of their lives. Not only were we not used to crime, like this, at this level, but we were not used to the militarization of the police forces needed to handle it. Now everyone is a criminal and the police are taking cover. It is a creepy time to be an Iowan. Add to the fact the the prosecution has either voluntarily or by mandate become politically correct to the silly level of Nifong, failing to prosecute serious and real crimes, while hitting whites harder in order to at least be "able" to prosecute some minorities, in some egalitarian nightmare. No wonder every man and woman capable of real work and with moral intent is fleeing this rat's nest. And, like I said, you had best not dare defend yourself here.
Criminals to the left, leftists to the other left, and no way out other than moving. A lot of locals think I am over-reacting. And they will until they have to deal with one or the other of those elements. When they become a criminal for calling in a complaint on a minority, a legitimate complaint, they will understand. When they see an "open 24 hour" business closed with it's curtains closed, and they think about calling the police only to realize that will make them a prime suspect so they pass. Or when they have trespassers that neither they nor the police can do anything about, in the middle of the night or in broad daylight, they will learn. The numbers are swelling, too. The schools are inundated with troubles they were never meant to serve. My leaving is good riddance, I would guess for me, the city, and the state.
Monday I have a full list of things to do. Final calls, a vehicle inspection in order to ensure the rental of the trailer it sitting upon, more packing, an oil change and inspection on my Xterra, and who knows what else will grab my attention and propel me to some odd task, call, purchase, or such. This weekend will offer no respite. I need to finish some packing, Sunday is the only day I can get the television, surround, and stereo systems to my lady friend. She also, finally, wants me to set up her computer. I will do what I can. She does not have ac, or more honestly refuses to use what I bought here, so I will most likely only be able to set up the television before needing a break. Then again, she could take me to a good lunch somewhere while I cool off, and between tasks. I'll probably "suggest" that, though, even if she does put up the ac for me. If it is just blasted hot though, she might only get one job done. She is my equal, she says, she may just have to figure it out. What is it with women and technology, anyway? Let alone equality.
Well, have a good afternoon and evening.
Moving slowly, but hopefully too.
.
.
I have finished most of the paperwork I need to fax back to the hopefully new landlord, property manager, or whatever she is, exactly. I need to find a few more pieces of information and I should have that out by 14:00. I also need to contact the two utility providers and get that switched back to the landlord on the day I leave, do some bank business, rent the truck, and then do a bit more packing later today. It is amazing how much there is to do when moving. I can only hope I do not miss something vital. To that end, I have put passwords and such down on some secreted papers. One can always make a mistake or miss something though. Two heads, in cases like these, would be better than one, so long as the two minds do not derail each other onto deadend sidetracks.
Sleep was splendid last night. I woke well and early, if waking up has been a slow process. It is nice and cool in here. And should it get too hot in spite of that, I have a fan ready to go. I know I will need to go out into the heat but that is fine. I actually have been enjoying that, so long as I can cool down for a bit.
My neighbor lady was a bit upset when she found that I would be leaving early this next month. She had hoped I would try and have my landlord let me stay a while longer. She seems to forget that it was she who wanted me to stay, and that in part the argument for me staying a bit longer was based on her taking over the apartment, so that the landlord would not need to worry about renting the place, and then that she had reneged on that suggestion. I also suggested that finding a place to stay where I am going has been hugely problematic. After two months of trying, I have only found one single place, and only in the last days, which would offer a place to stay without a 3 day application process initiated in person.
Her life is getting uncomfortable, and largely for the very reason I wish to leave this area. As I have said, she, my other lady friend, and many of the people here belong here. This is their world, what they believe and do, who they associate with and why, makes this their world. No more do I belong here than would they belong where I am going. I am looking for a clean world were people believe in doing good deeds as a common thing and where crime is actually considered, you know, illegal. I would guess it will be illegal to speak one's mind, if it is not already, here and soon. I would guess that it would be dangerous to do so here, and the police, the prosecutor, or both, would ignore that threat due to their political beliefs.
I cannot help people who hate where they are and yet encourage it in how they live. I have to imagine it would be like a saint or angel looking into hell. I wonder, at times, about those who choose the path of the damned. I have no illusion that they do so ignorantly, I am positive they know. And their pleas for help, I am sure some of that is really trying to get help but it lacks veracity due to the fact that they would not change what they did that got them there. In the end, it is an attempt to pull the good to their world rather than a hope to leave their world and ways. I realize, too, that God asks that we not doubt His judgment via sympathy, and we best not have empathy. And so I trust and leave this hell to it's own, and I pray for those who could change to do so.
The world, no doubt, has come completely unglued and totally evil. Perhaps it always was as so. If that last is true, the world, for the greater part, kept that hidden. Maybe now that evil is so open is only the newest thing, perhaps though too, my eyes are only and now finally open. I will never be sure, while I live in skin, but in time that may be known. In truth, and as I have said, it is about me (to me), and you (to you), and each of us (according to ourselves) in our relationship with God. All of it. We must worry only about how we will stand before Christ, pass through the barrier that is the Fire of the Holy Spirit, and then live with God. So, perhaps, even questions about this world we might now have will be burned away as all our fleshly failings will be burned as and before we can ascend to heaven. Perhaps even those who choose hell will lose all false questions as well. At that time, perhaps, we will realize we always knew the truth and that our questions are just games we play to avoid knowing what God has already told us. I can live with that. And I will happily release questions of flesh as I release the fallen flesh.
Well, I suppose I should get to work. I pray, each night, to make it to the land of milk and honey. I sometimes worry, if like Moses (though without having done any of his great deeds), I will be denied more than a view of such a place. Perhaps my failure of faith has doomed me. With what is going on locally, I do worry. I am trying to keep more secure in the time I must wait, it is all I can do. Though knowing what liberal prosecutors do to those who dare defend themselves, even that is tenuous.
Have a good day.
.
I have finished most of the paperwork I need to fax back to the hopefully new landlord, property manager, or whatever she is, exactly. I need to find a few more pieces of information and I should have that out by 14:00. I also need to contact the two utility providers and get that switched back to the landlord on the day I leave, do some bank business, rent the truck, and then do a bit more packing later today. It is amazing how much there is to do when moving. I can only hope I do not miss something vital. To that end, I have put passwords and such down on some secreted papers. One can always make a mistake or miss something though. Two heads, in cases like these, would be better than one, so long as the two minds do not derail each other onto deadend sidetracks.
Sleep was splendid last night. I woke well and early, if waking up has been a slow process. It is nice and cool in here. And should it get too hot in spite of that, I have a fan ready to go. I know I will need to go out into the heat but that is fine. I actually have been enjoying that, so long as I can cool down for a bit.
My neighbor lady was a bit upset when she found that I would be leaving early this next month. She had hoped I would try and have my landlord let me stay a while longer. She seems to forget that it was she who wanted me to stay, and that in part the argument for me staying a bit longer was based on her taking over the apartment, so that the landlord would not need to worry about renting the place, and then that she had reneged on that suggestion. I also suggested that finding a place to stay where I am going has been hugely problematic. After two months of trying, I have only found one single place, and only in the last days, which would offer a place to stay without a 3 day application process initiated in person.
Her life is getting uncomfortable, and largely for the very reason I wish to leave this area. As I have said, she, my other lady friend, and many of the people here belong here. This is their world, what they believe and do, who they associate with and why, makes this their world. No more do I belong here than would they belong where I am going. I am looking for a clean world were people believe in doing good deeds as a common thing and where crime is actually considered, you know, illegal. I would guess it will be illegal to speak one's mind, if it is not already, here and soon. I would guess that it would be dangerous to do so here, and the police, the prosecutor, or both, would ignore that threat due to their political beliefs.
I cannot help people who hate where they are and yet encourage it in how they live. I have to imagine it would be like a saint or angel looking into hell. I wonder, at times, about those who choose the path of the damned. I have no illusion that they do so ignorantly, I am positive they know. And their pleas for help, I am sure some of that is really trying to get help but it lacks veracity due to the fact that they would not change what they did that got them there. In the end, it is an attempt to pull the good to their world rather than a hope to leave their world and ways. I realize, too, that God asks that we not doubt His judgment via sympathy, and we best not have empathy. And so I trust and leave this hell to it's own, and I pray for those who could change to do so.
The world, no doubt, has come completely unglued and totally evil. Perhaps it always was as so. If that last is true, the world, for the greater part, kept that hidden. Maybe now that evil is so open is only the newest thing, perhaps though too, my eyes are only and now finally open. I will never be sure, while I live in skin, but in time that may be known. In truth, and as I have said, it is about me (to me), and you (to you), and each of us (according to ourselves) in our relationship with God. All of it. We must worry only about how we will stand before Christ, pass through the barrier that is the Fire of the Holy Spirit, and then live with God. So, perhaps, even questions about this world we might now have will be burned away as all our fleshly failings will be burned as and before we can ascend to heaven. Perhaps even those who choose hell will lose all false questions as well. At that time, perhaps, we will realize we always knew the truth and that our questions are just games we play to avoid knowing what God has already told us. I can live with that. And I will happily release questions of flesh as I release the fallen flesh.
Well, I suppose I should get to work. I pray, each night, to make it to the land of milk and honey. I sometimes worry, if like Moses (though without having done any of his great deeds), I will be denied more than a view of such a place. Perhaps my failure of faith has doomed me. With what is going on locally, I do worry. I am trying to keep more secure in the time I must wait, it is all I can do. Though knowing what liberal prosecutors do to those who dare defend themselves, even that is tenuous.
Have a good day.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A good day, I think.
.
.
I am still suffering from bruised ribs. I am also still surprised I can hurt those in my sleep. I am either having seriously weird dreams or there is simply something wrong with my body, where connective tissue weakens or muscles twitch while I sleep. If I had fallen down while sleep walking, I am pretty sure there would be holes in the wall, major furniture failure, or some other sign. I think, however, that I was right. The pain is slightly easing. It has peaked. I will still need Tylenol to sleep though.
It looks like the apartment will come through. No guarantees, but the manager sounded fairly positive. I hope it is not because the place cannot really be rented in person because it is really bad or in a bad neighborhood. My friend, who knows the area, thinks that the address is a decent one. Beyond that, it is close enough to the places I might want to go without being too close and therefore too busy. As I said, as long as it is in reasonable condition, I am fine with that. This is not meant to be a little slice of heaven, but more a piece of humble pie in which I can save some decent money for a home or funeral.
I am not sure what all is going on right now, though I think the deal is done. I need to put a call in and hold the rental truck and tow package, plus some insurance, finish packing, and then load up and drive. To think that in just over a week I will be in a new fishbowl! I will hopefully have a smooth dip into a new scene. One where crime is lower, problems are much more soluble on even a personal level, and the grass really is greener. If they are a little pickier about who gets in and a little more relaxed due to that, I will be pleased. I am so weary about living in a state that has become a criminal haven, a leftist nightmare, and is dying on the vine. It is sad to see it, but it is better to leave than become even more of a hated minority in what had been my home state.
My dreams have been intense lately. First war, then women, maybe I can land on the moon, go flying, or something fun but less stressful tonight. I have to admit, the dreams about women were wonderful! But when I woke, barely able to move, I had to struggle to coordinate my hands into a prayer position and then pray my heart out. It was not too bad, it just reminded me that I am fully male and that I truly enjoy the beauty of the feminine, in many of her states of grace, fully dressed even. And, in my prayer for control I definitely also gave thanks to God for presenting such beauty to such a humble servant. I do not mean to say I am claiming to be humble, I am merely stating that I realize my humble nature. I would like to be humble as a being, but I often fail. I am, however, humble before God, in many ways before the beauty of women, and certainly in the depths and dimensions of reality. Even the mountains and rivers let me know this.
Well, I should get to bed. Or at least take some painkillers and let them kick in. I took them right as I went to bed last night. Not such a good plan. I had to suffer to sleep. Live and learn. Again, good night. You are in my prayers, even those of you who have left here and me.
.
I am still suffering from bruised ribs. I am also still surprised I can hurt those in my sleep. I am either having seriously weird dreams or there is simply something wrong with my body, where connective tissue weakens or muscles twitch while I sleep. If I had fallen down while sleep walking, I am pretty sure there would be holes in the wall, major furniture failure, or some other sign. I think, however, that I was right. The pain is slightly easing. It has peaked. I will still need Tylenol to sleep though.
It looks like the apartment will come through. No guarantees, but the manager sounded fairly positive. I hope it is not because the place cannot really be rented in person because it is really bad or in a bad neighborhood. My friend, who knows the area, thinks that the address is a decent one. Beyond that, it is close enough to the places I might want to go without being too close and therefore too busy. As I said, as long as it is in reasonable condition, I am fine with that. This is not meant to be a little slice of heaven, but more a piece of humble pie in which I can save some decent money for a home or funeral.
I am not sure what all is going on right now, though I think the deal is done. I need to put a call in and hold the rental truck and tow package, plus some insurance, finish packing, and then load up and drive. To think that in just over a week I will be in a new fishbowl! I will hopefully have a smooth dip into a new scene. One where crime is lower, problems are much more soluble on even a personal level, and the grass really is greener. If they are a little pickier about who gets in and a little more relaxed due to that, I will be pleased. I am so weary about living in a state that has become a criminal haven, a leftist nightmare, and is dying on the vine. It is sad to see it, but it is better to leave than become even more of a hated minority in what had been my home state.
My dreams have been intense lately. First war, then women, maybe I can land on the moon, go flying, or something fun but less stressful tonight. I have to admit, the dreams about women were wonderful! But when I woke, barely able to move, I had to struggle to coordinate my hands into a prayer position and then pray my heart out. It was not too bad, it just reminded me that I am fully male and that I truly enjoy the beauty of the feminine, in many of her states of grace, fully dressed even. And, in my prayer for control I definitely also gave thanks to God for presenting such beauty to such a humble servant. I do not mean to say I am claiming to be humble, I am merely stating that I realize my humble nature. I would like to be humble as a being, but I often fail. I am, however, humble before God, in many ways before the beauty of women, and certainly in the depths and dimensions of reality. Even the mountains and rivers let me know this.
Well, I should get to bed. Or at least take some painkillers and let them kick in. I took them right as I went to bed last night. Not such a good plan. I had to suffer to sleep. Live and learn. Again, good night. You are in my prayers, even those of you who have left here and me.
Maybe...
.
.
After making many calls on my own and having some help from a friend who knows the area, I finally found a place to rent, maybe. I was not able to find less than a year lease, but I was able to get a very affordable partially furnished place. It will not be something to write home about. It will be a place to sleep. It will probably be warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer than the out of doors. I probably will not add internet, definitely will not add cable television, and I will keep it as plain as possible. Part of the reason will be to get me out as often as possible. I will find my way to the library, a couple of inexpensive places to eat, the store, a few places of interest, and as much of that on foot as possible. Then I would like to find my way into the woods and mountains. Some of that, too, will be on foot for some parts of those type trips.
However, there is no guarantee either. I am only sure they will, probably, fax an application and that, if they do fax it and we get it back out to them, they may accept the application. If I get it, I should save enough on rent that I can really save some serious savings in the year lease, perhaps as much as $15k. I think my neighbor was amazed at how difficult it was to find a place. Everyone wanted to see me in person, and were absolutely disinterested in faxing anything to at least speed up the application process. Most indicated application processing takes 3 days. Considering the truck rental is only for 5 days, loading then driving the truck will take 3 days, and with finding a storage unit and unpacking, I would not have any real time to be processed in and hope for acceptance before the truck needed to be back. As well, no knowing if the place would be furnished or not, I would either have to keep the truck longer (no doubt at a huge fee) or store and rent something else, all while staying in a hotel. The bills would soon become troubling to say the least.
I am really hoping my faxed application will be accepted. Either that or I find a hotel room for a week (not available in the area as they will be having a car show that week, and rooms are scarce, to say the least). They really do not want outsiders who do not fit. It is a college town too, so one would think rentals would be a little more open. Then again, that is part of why I am seeing if that is the place for me. I had indicated that I might not be right for out there. We will have to see. I was going to call the Church(s) there, but I sort of got lost and I have run out of time I think. I will call tomorrow, just in case there is some advice or even a better rental prospect. Even another, but good, rental or three would be great, so that I would have some choice. Who knows.
It has been another bruiser. The heat just reaches in and beats me up. I need tons of water, few clothes, ac, and a fan just to almost feel human. I get rather growly when I get too hot (or hungry, thirsty, needing a shower, or in pain). Any work requires cool down times. That is summer, in Iowa, I suppose. I have heard that where I am going is about the same temp, but minus the humidity, plus being in a valley, morning to evening is a bit shy of flatland time span. Yeah, I am liking that already. Well, I should get going. I would like to make something good for supper.
Have a good evening.
.
After making many calls on my own and having some help from a friend who knows the area, I finally found a place to rent, maybe. I was not able to find less than a year lease, but I was able to get a very affordable partially furnished place. It will not be something to write home about. It will be a place to sleep. It will probably be warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer than the out of doors. I probably will not add internet, definitely will not add cable television, and I will keep it as plain as possible. Part of the reason will be to get me out as often as possible. I will find my way to the library, a couple of inexpensive places to eat, the store, a few places of interest, and as much of that on foot as possible. Then I would like to find my way into the woods and mountains. Some of that, too, will be on foot for some parts of those type trips.
However, there is no guarantee either. I am only sure they will, probably, fax an application and that, if they do fax it and we get it back out to them, they may accept the application. If I get it, I should save enough on rent that I can really save some serious savings in the year lease, perhaps as much as $15k. I think my neighbor was amazed at how difficult it was to find a place. Everyone wanted to see me in person, and were absolutely disinterested in faxing anything to at least speed up the application process. Most indicated application processing takes 3 days. Considering the truck rental is only for 5 days, loading then driving the truck will take 3 days, and with finding a storage unit and unpacking, I would not have any real time to be processed in and hope for acceptance before the truck needed to be back. As well, no knowing if the place would be furnished or not, I would either have to keep the truck longer (no doubt at a huge fee) or store and rent something else, all while staying in a hotel. The bills would soon become troubling to say the least.
I am really hoping my faxed application will be accepted. Either that or I find a hotel room for a week (not available in the area as they will be having a car show that week, and rooms are scarce, to say the least). They really do not want outsiders who do not fit. It is a college town too, so one would think rentals would be a little more open. Then again, that is part of why I am seeing if that is the place for me. I had indicated that I might not be right for out there. We will have to see. I was going to call the Church(s) there, but I sort of got lost and I have run out of time I think. I will call tomorrow, just in case there is some advice or even a better rental prospect. Even another, but good, rental or three would be great, so that I would have some choice. Who knows.
It has been another bruiser. The heat just reaches in and beats me up. I need tons of water, few clothes, ac, and a fan just to almost feel human. I get rather growly when I get too hot (or hungry, thirsty, needing a shower, or in pain). Any work requires cool down times. That is summer, in Iowa, I suppose. I have heard that where I am going is about the same temp, but minus the humidity, plus being in a valley, morning to evening is a bit shy of flatland time span. Yeah, I am liking that already. Well, I should get going. I would like to make something good for supper.
Have a good evening.
Waking up is a tough chore this morning.
.
.
I slept well, relatively speaking. Erotic dreams filled my mind, and occasional prayers when I awoke. Women have been on my mind, for some odd reason, and strongly the last few days. In spite of sore ribs and plenty of work to be done, the mind seems easily distracted. And though chastity has not been taken on as an oath but more as a means of purification before death or marriage, I hold it well. It is amazing what a prayer for strength and conviction can do. Even with dreams and thoughts of the more beautiful of the sexes, my command has held firm. No pun intended.
My neighbor lady has been stopping by in the mornings, late mornings thankfully, to make coffee. She had been buying Starbucks, and I had suggested she make her own. She tried it on her own, and failed. She bought Starbucks coffee and their syrup. Now, I cannot swear to it, but I would guess Starbucks does not use their own coffee. If people could get the exact taste at home, they would not be making so much money in their stores. My guess is what they sell of the shelf is at least one or two off. So, I showed her where to shop and what to buy, and to her amazement, not only is it far cheaper, it is superior. As well, that it can be made at home, it saves time in running around. Who knows though, when I leave she might just go right back to Starbucks. She likes to spend, she believes in designer goods and services, and she is used to being a kept woman. She no longer has the money she did but that does not really affect her lifestyle until she runs out of everything, then she cries and hopes someone will help her. I have not and will not. I saw that trap far in the distance. I do drive her places, and help her in small ways, but I will not spend on her beyond that or have much more to do with her. I will never know if she goes back to Starbucks or not, and I will not worry about it.
I have not been able to contact my neighbor. I am hoping to do so today. I think I am going to try and just catch up to him to make final plans for loading. Rather than ABF, a moving system which offers various numbers of loading containers something like Pod's but less expensive, I will just get rent a truck and use a platform on the back to haul the Xterra. That is, if the truck company's trailer can handle that size of a vehicle. This will give me a great deal more flexibility when to load, where I can unload, and I think it will be cheaper in the end as well, all told. I only worry about needing to back up. Though I think I can do that, I do not want to be tested. As well, I am not quite sure about all the details involved with when to install the trailer, and how to do so, which will have to be done after packing the truck, I would guess, and so on. There is only one way to find out.
I suppose I ought to get started for the day. Time is short, and even though everything is coming together, I still have much to do. Decisions are the most difficult, as they can bottle neck an opperation when they come up in the physical work. I think most decisions are finalized at this point. Now it is just a matter of getting the work completed. I will be so very happy when this leg of my journey is completed.
I still do not know if I am going there to die or if I am going there to live. I will only know once I get there. To be honest, neither prospect is all that bad. I am siding for finding more to life and finding more life to live there. But, as I have been most solidly told by reality, such huge choices are not really in my hands. Not at all. I am open to God's will, and that is the end of that.
Have a great day.
.
I slept well, relatively speaking. Erotic dreams filled my mind, and occasional prayers when I awoke. Women have been on my mind, for some odd reason, and strongly the last few days. In spite of sore ribs and plenty of work to be done, the mind seems easily distracted. And though chastity has not been taken on as an oath but more as a means of purification before death or marriage, I hold it well. It is amazing what a prayer for strength and conviction can do. Even with dreams and thoughts of the more beautiful of the sexes, my command has held firm. No pun intended.
My neighbor lady has been stopping by in the mornings, late mornings thankfully, to make coffee. She had been buying Starbucks, and I had suggested she make her own. She tried it on her own, and failed. She bought Starbucks coffee and their syrup. Now, I cannot swear to it, but I would guess Starbucks does not use their own coffee. If people could get the exact taste at home, they would not be making so much money in their stores. My guess is what they sell of the shelf is at least one or two off. So, I showed her where to shop and what to buy, and to her amazement, not only is it far cheaper, it is superior. As well, that it can be made at home, it saves time in running around. Who knows though, when I leave she might just go right back to Starbucks. She likes to spend, she believes in designer goods and services, and she is used to being a kept woman. She no longer has the money she did but that does not really affect her lifestyle until she runs out of everything, then she cries and hopes someone will help her. I have not and will not. I saw that trap far in the distance. I do drive her places, and help her in small ways, but I will not spend on her beyond that or have much more to do with her. I will never know if she goes back to Starbucks or not, and I will not worry about it.
I have not been able to contact my neighbor. I am hoping to do so today. I think I am going to try and just catch up to him to make final plans for loading. Rather than ABF, a moving system which offers various numbers of loading containers something like Pod's but less expensive, I will just get rent a truck and use a platform on the back to haul the Xterra. That is, if the truck company's trailer can handle that size of a vehicle. This will give me a great deal more flexibility when to load, where I can unload, and I think it will be cheaper in the end as well, all told. I only worry about needing to back up. Though I think I can do that, I do not want to be tested. As well, I am not quite sure about all the details involved with when to install the trailer, and how to do so, which will have to be done after packing the truck, I would guess, and so on. There is only one way to find out.
I suppose I ought to get started for the day. Time is short, and even though everything is coming together, I still have much to do. Decisions are the most difficult, as they can bottle neck an opperation when they come up in the physical work. I think most decisions are finalized at this point. Now it is just a matter of getting the work completed. I will be so very happy when this leg of my journey is completed.
I still do not know if I am going there to die or if I am going there to live. I will only know once I get there. To be honest, neither prospect is all that bad. I am siding for finding more to life and finding more life to live there. But, as I have been most solidly told by reality, such huge choices are not really in my hands. Not at all. I am open to God's will, and that is the end of that.
Have a great day.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
How in the world.
.
.
The last few days I have been in some pain. I wondered if it was just gas, heartburn, or something, but it is not. And, through the time from when the pain first appeared to now, I realize it is my ribs. I have hurt them. All the way around from backbone to sternum and the rest of the way around. It hurts a little bit to breath. And it hurts constantly. My back hurts as well. It was not through packing and moving, most of what I have been moving is relatively light. I am careful with angles and such as well. Could this be from dreaming?
Sleep will be a little more difficult and moving around can cause me to be a bit grumpy. Nothing to do for it, I suppose. Maybe I will take a few painkillers of the over the counter varietal and see if it helps. I cannot stop packing and I do need sleep. It just weirds me out how I can hurt myself or otherwise get hurt in dreams. It just should not be able to happen. I know from this that doctors cannot know what they think they know. There is more to us than the simple biology, complex as that is.
Ouch! It seriously hurts. I hope, since it started as mild discomfort and grew to serious pain, that the bruises are coming out and will soon be gone. Wow, though. At least I can quit with the alkaseltzers. *burp*
It is all a gas, one way or another, and sometimes multi-dimensionally. Good night. I hope you sleep well. I am going to give it as good of a shot as I can.
.
The last few days I have been in some pain. I wondered if it was just gas, heartburn, or something, but it is not. And, through the time from when the pain first appeared to now, I realize it is my ribs. I have hurt them. All the way around from backbone to sternum and the rest of the way around. It hurts a little bit to breath. And it hurts constantly. My back hurts as well. It was not through packing and moving, most of what I have been moving is relatively light. I am careful with angles and such as well. Could this be from dreaming?
Sleep will be a little more difficult and moving around can cause me to be a bit grumpy. Nothing to do for it, I suppose. Maybe I will take a few painkillers of the over the counter varietal and see if it helps. I cannot stop packing and I do need sleep. It just weirds me out how I can hurt myself or otherwise get hurt in dreams. It just should not be able to happen. I know from this that doctors cannot know what they think they know. There is more to us than the simple biology, complex as that is.
Ouch! It seriously hurts. I hope, since it started as mild discomfort and grew to serious pain, that the bruises are coming out and will soon be gone. Wow, though. At least I can quit with the alkaseltzers. *burp*
It is all a gas, one way or another, and sometimes multi-dimensionally. Good night. I hope you sleep well. I am going to give it as good of a shot as I can.
Some serious confusion.
.
.
While driving to the store today, I saw what I believed to be a libertarian car. On it were a number of stickers, no names though, regarding the usual topics. Included were down with the Fed, limit government, and get out of Iraq. Right below the end the war sticker was a government limit sticker and then... "Help Iran!". Well, okay I thought. But, being that we shouldn't even be in Iraq according to this man, how are we going to help Iran? Twitter? Ah, okay. If I am stepping on toes do not wear sandals. And, yes, it does make me angry to see this.
Bear in mind, I have a good 60 to 70 percent share of libertarian views. And, if they somehow gain power, I would at least be curious to see some of the views we do not share applied. I would gladly go for some of that change in hope. The Fed, phase it out? Regulation I am already generally against. Term limits, a tighter control of access to corporations, a change in how the government makes laws, lots of things I can see.
The big difference is probably Iraq, perhaps even Afghanistan? I supported both, and strongly. And, I do not think a politician, of any pedigree, in office at the time could have resisted the call to arms. I think President Bush was quiet, for a time, upon hearing the news because he knew what it meant and he did not want it to be so. He knew he had zero choice. So, that he even went on to Iraq surprised me. I am guessing generals, admirals, and to some small extent (and not through the leadership but through the practical real channels) the State Department took the lead on that.
I get confused by this. The people of Iraq, many of them, were honestly repressed. I would say it was the majority who were repressed by the minority. Plus, we had several reasons, very good ones, to go even if the real case was weakly presented. That is not the case in Iran. The majority rules and it was that same majority which just (historically speaking) had a revolution. That revolt lead to this government. So, are we supposed to blindly support some new and really unknown revolt as Jimmy Carter supported the last (by sitting on his hands regarding an ally in trouble)?
Something I am not sure about is whether the anger in the streets would be the same if their votes had actually been counted, would they still be rioting? Even though they seem to realize the mullahs picked both candidates? Do they not realize their vote means nothing? If the key to the social disruption is that one mullah chosen politician was unfairly elected over another mullah chosen politician, I think they are just rioting for the fun of it. I cannot take them seriously.
Let them find a leader, let that leader, or better group of leaders, lay out a plan, and then I might consider getting behind it, if only in spirit. Barring that, it is just something to watch on t.v., if I still watched the news. What, honestly, is in it for me? It does not have to be monetarily connected. If it is for freedom, democratic republicanism, fair courts, justice, and uniform laws, sure. If not, then it is just another radical on radical kill fest. And that is only good for entertainment, not a loose brotherhood or kinship.
Do I feel bad for those who are dying? Only those who are truly innocent. And, one way or another, the only innocents there, that I can see, are the children. The rest either support the mullahs directly or indirectly, or they are out in the streets pushing for hope and change and paying a price for it. What hope? What change? Of course they are not going to say. As I have said, if it is away from islam then it is most likely toward communism, if it is not away from islam then it is just toward another brand of radical islam based on a two syllable difference in their dread book of the dead. Or, a half a dozen of one, six of the other. Population control in the normal way. Let it be.
.
While driving to the store today, I saw what I believed to be a libertarian car. On it were a number of stickers, no names though, regarding the usual topics. Included were down with the Fed, limit government, and get out of Iraq. Right below the end the war sticker was a government limit sticker and then... "Help Iran!". Well, okay I thought. But, being that we shouldn't even be in Iraq according to this man, how are we going to help Iran? Twitter? Ah, okay. If I am stepping on toes do not wear sandals. And, yes, it does make me angry to see this.
Bear in mind, I have a good 60 to 70 percent share of libertarian views. And, if they somehow gain power, I would at least be curious to see some of the views we do not share applied. I would gladly go for some of that change in hope. The Fed, phase it out? Regulation I am already generally against. Term limits, a tighter control of access to corporations, a change in how the government makes laws, lots of things I can see.
The big difference is probably Iraq, perhaps even Afghanistan? I supported both, and strongly. And, I do not think a politician, of any pedigree, in office at the time could have resisted the call to arms. I think President Bush was quiet, for a time, upon hearing the news because he knew what it meant and he did not want it to be so. He knew he had zero choice. So, that he even went on to Iraq surprised me. I am guessing generals, admirals, and to some small extent (and not through the leadership but through the practical real channels) the State Department took the lead on that.
I get confused by this. The people of Iraq, many of them, were honestly repressed. I would say it was the majority who were repressed by the minority. Plus, we had several reasons, very good ones, to go even if the real case was weakly presented. That is not the case in Iran. The majority rules and it was that same majority which just (historically speaking) had a revolution. That revolt lead to this government. So, are we supposed to blindly support some new and really unknown revolt as Jimmy Carter supported the last (by sitting on his hands regarding an ally in trouble)?
Something I am not sure about is whether the anger in the streets would be the same if their votes had actually been counted, would they still be rioting? Even though they seem to realize the mullahs picked both candidates? Do they not realize their vote means nothing? If the key to the social disruption is that one mullah chosen politician was unfairly elected over another mullah chosen politician, I think they are just rioting for the fun of it. I cannot take them seriously.
Let them find a leader, let that leader, or better group of leaders, lay out a plan, and then I might consider getting behind it, if only in spirit. Barring that, it is just something to watch on t.v., if I still watched the news. What, honestly, is in it for me? It does not have to be monetarily connected. If it is for freedom, democratic republicanism, fair courts, justice, and uniform laws, sure. If not, then it is just another radical on radical kill fest. And that is only good for entertainment, not a loose brotherhood or kinship.
Do I feel bad for those who are dying? Only those who are truly innocent. And, one way or another, the only innocents there, that I can see, are the children. The rest either support the mullahs directly or indirectly, or they are out in the streets pushing for hope and change and paying a price for it. What hope? What change? Of course they are not going to say. As I have said, if it is away from islam then it is most likely toward communism, if it is not away from islam then it is just toward another brand of radical islam based on a two syllable difference in their dread book of the dead. Or, a half a dozen of one, six of the other. Population control in the normal way. Let it be.
Hot and sticky!
.
.
Though heat is not my favorite environment, at least when humidity is added, I wish I had the time to get out a bit anyway. I have found that I can enjoy the outdoors even in this, and would like to do so. But the energy required and the cost of using it to the detriment to all else I need to do would be too much. I really need to keep packing, sorting, and planning. And, within my means, I am doing so. It has been so hot, even with air conditioning, that I have not bothered my neighbors in the late afternoon when they suggested they might be available. As for myself, I am packing and sorting in shorter bursts, then cooling down, then getting back to it when I am able.
I do not have all that much left, I think. It is difficult to know how much is really needed. I have been taking care of clutter, filling and closing up more boxes, and tossing what needs to go. I have been giving away food stuffs I had in my larder as well, unopened food stuffs of course. I am hoping more for a small place where I will not need to cook, initially. A small refrigerator, a microwave oven, and a local inexpensive diner will do me until I can find better digs. And, truth be told, my cooking and eating gear would not rightly fit in an efficiency apartment.
I do believe I will be getting out of here sooner rather than later. It seems my neighbor lady will not be moving into this apartment. As such, I could not in good conscience ask my landlord for more time. I believe I will be able to get help moving whenever it is that I decide to move, so that will be that. The sooner the better. Even if I do not find a place by then, I have found that there are hostiles in the general area, should I need more than a few days or a week to find a place. My other neighbor suggested he would investigate some of what I needed to know, so I do need to contact him soon.
Everything is moving forward, and more quickly as particular decisions are being made and the time frame is becoming much more solid. And yet I cannot yet get my mind wrapped around all that needs to be done, all that is being done, let alone around the notion that my world is about to be a brand new one. Fear, curiosity, the push to have it done, the worry, and all that beset me from time to time. I find that, if cornered by such foolishness, it is probably time to put my hands back to work. That generally takes care of things until bedtime. Then a prayer keeps most of that at bay.
Oh, and last night was good. I slept well. A thunderstorm came through and cooled off the world a bit, which helped a great deal. I was not troubled by dreams either. I needed the rest, both of mind and body. I am quite sure that my recent prayer sessions have loaned some comfort to me in my time of toil and consideration. I enjoy praying more in any case.
Have a great day.
.
Though heat is not my favorite environment, at least when humidity is added, I wish I had the time to get out a bit anyway. I have found that I can enjoy the outdoors even in this, and would like to do so. But the energy required and the cost of using it to the detriment to all else I need to do would be too much. I really need to keep packing, sorting, and planning. And, within my means, I am doing so. It has been so hot, even with air conditioning, that I have not bothered my neighbors in the late afternoon when they suggested they might be available. As for myself, I am packing and sorting in shorter bursts, then cooling down, then getting back to it when I am able.
I do not have all that much left, I think. It is difficult to know how much is really needed. I have been taking care of clutter, filling and closing up more boxes, and tossing what needs to go. I have been giving away food stuffs I had in my larder as well, unopened food stuffs of course. I am hoping more for a small place where I will not need to cook, initially. A small refrigerator, a microwave oven, and a local inexpensive diner will do me until I can find better digs. And, truth be told, my cooking and eating gear would not rightly fit in an efficiency apartment.
I do believe I will be getting out of here sooner rather than later. It seems my neighbor lady will not be moving into this apartment. As such, I could not in good conscience ask my landlord for more time. I believe I will be able to get help moving whenever it is that I decide to move, so that will be that. The sooner the better. Even if I do not find a place by then, I have found that there are hostiles in the general area, should I need more than a few days or a week to find a place. My other neighbor suggested he would investigate some of what I needed to know, so I do need to contact him soon.
Everything is moving forward, and more quickly as particular decisions are being made and the time frame is becoming much more solid. And yet I cannot yet get my mind wrapped around all that needs to be done, all that is being done, let alone around the notion that my world is about to be a brand new one. Fear, curiosity, the push to have it done, the worry, and all that beset me from time to time. I find that, if cornered by such foolishness, it is probably time to put my hands back to work. That generally takes care of things until bedtime. Then a prayer keeps most of that at bay.
Oh, and last night was good. I slept well. A thunderstorm came through and cooled off the world a bit, which helped a great deal. I was not troubled by dreams either. I needed the rest, both of mind and body. I am quite sure that my recent prayer sessions have loaned some comfort to me in my time of toil and consideration. I enjoy praying more in any case.
Have a great day.
New levels...
.
.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to try to take my chastity to the heights of that virtue. I was not sure I would be able to do so. And, I was unsure about whether such would be maintainable with frequent contact with attractive women. I have been thinking of doing this for some time, I felt called to do so. But I feared and doubted. Perhaps I just needed to prepare. Perhaps though too, my faith was weak. After two weeks or so, I find myself stronger than ever in this. Beyond, I can easily be around beautiful interested interesting women and stay firmly cloud bound and chaste. I simply pray when I feel a powerful pull toward the carnal.
Such things are not for everyone, though I have to believe, at this point, that the world would be a better place if this was used both in and out of marriages and by both participants. It is not as difficult as I thought it would be. And more, I see women completely differently now. I still see their physical nature and I still am very attracted to them, but I also see them more fully as people and as possible mates. I actually see them less as sexual beings and more as whole beings. I think I will more clearly see a potential wife for her whole self now. I will have a better means by which to evaluate her in that context.
I cannot say if I have changed to those viewing me. I am not sure if my physical world is different, within my body or mind, other than what has been noted. I do not seem to have more or less energy, clearer thought, or any of that. But I feel fresher and cleaner in life. Well, there is one thing. I think I am losing a bit of size around my waist. I cannot say it has anything to do with this, perhaps it is more to do with the recent heat, it could be coincidence. I will say I enjoy not being at the call of nature. And, yes, I still find women warmly, earthily, and naturally quite beautiful and attractive. Perhaps more so than I ever have.
Well, back to work. I really need to dig in before it gets too hot again. Have a great day.
.
A few weeks ago, I decided it was time to try to take my chastity to the heights of that virtue. I was not sure I would be able to do so. And, I was unsure about whether such would be maintainable with frequent contact with attractive women. I have been thinking of doing this for some time, I felt called to do so. But I feared and doubted. Perhaps I just needed to prepare. Perhaps though too, my faith was weak. After two weeks or so, I find myself stronger than ever in this. Beyond, I can easily be around beautiful interested interesting women and stay firmly cloud bound and chaste. I simply pray when I feel a powerful pull toward the carnal.
Such things are not for everyone, though I have to believe, at this point, that the world would be a better place if this was used both in and out of marriages and by both participants. It is not as difficult as I thought it would be. And more, I see women completely differently now. I still see their physical nature and I still am very attracted to them, but I also see them more fully as people and as possible mates. I actually see them less as sexual beings and more as whole beings. I think I will more clearly see a potential wife for her whole self now. I will have a better means by which to evaluate her in that context.
I cannot say if I have changed to those viewing me. I am not sure if my physical world is different, within my body or mind, other than what has been noted. I do not seem to have more or less energy, clearer thought, or any of that. But I feel fresher and cleaner in life. Well, there is one thing. I think I am losing a bit of size around my waist. I cannot say it has anything to do with this, perhaps it is more to do with the recent heat, it could be coincidence. I will say I enjoy not being at the call of nature. And, yes, I still find women warmly, earthily, and naturally quite beautiful and attractive. Perhaps more so than I ever have.
Well, back to work. I really need to dig in before it gets too hot again. Have a great day.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Grumpy, sore, tired, and such, but still trying.
.
.
My dreams, of late, I realize now, have been horrendous. I realize I am warring every night. I am not necessarily being awakened by my dreams, if my sleep is miserable and I wake sore and tired. I can tell because the bedding is wet and has started to smell of sweat, and more, fear sweat. My bedding went from sweet clean to foul in four days. I will need to wash all of it, down to the bed pad. Gladiator sweat stinks. I would guess as much as the whole of the last week I have been in the jungle of my mind while sleeping. I have barely been surviving and I have been losing all of my friends, allies, no, brothers, over and over and over, with no means to change these dreams. Knowing what is going to happen but having no means of changing in dream or waking up. I die a little bit each time.
I have agreed to the fact, for the most part, that this is based on nothing real. But I cannot seem to change how it makes me feel. I cannot set it aside, let it go, or do anything more than pray. I am not sure why these things haunt me, and have haunted me for decades. Searching for why, or in the beginning if, has been as fruitful as logically figuring out where in reality I am. GPS, you say? First, that is not logic, that is electrical mechanics. Second, even if allowed (assuming I alone developed all of the tools to make it work and then built and implemented them), the GPS would only indicate my place, within 50 yards unless you gained access to some of the better military or government geological tools and at best, on earth. That does not show me where I am in relation to the Milky Way, let alone in regard to the center of all known mass, in part because the majority of mass is as yet undefined. Now you know how I feel a bit more completely.
The world spins, I choke on dust of days gone by that probably have nothing to do with me, and which might have no basis in reality at all. I often feel foolish and am embarrassed about having such links. I wonder what I did wrong or what is wrong with me. There are no answers. Psychology did help, a bit, in dealing with these odd memories. Life is better, but not quite normalized. Medicine never fixed it. Medicine just zombified me so I was quiet about it, and everything else. The doctors liked it. Perhaps stress just causes a flaw in my psychic subroutines. The mind is a powerful and tricky thing.
Never mind, I will begin working again today. I think I will be able to get some serious work done. With the kitchen back in order, I believe the living room will get a good solid sweep. As well, I will begin collecting empty boxes together and sorting through them for keepers and losers. I woke up early, again, this morning, but was finally able to go back to sleep until 7:30 or so. Laundry has been started again, breakfast has been tended, and regularity is back on track. Maybe the work will help me sleep better.
I have been doing a lot of praying lately. This is not in regards to my dreams or work or move. I just felt the call to begin praying nightly, which has lead to prayers a bit more often throughout the day. There are many ill people out there, there are the poor, the oppressed, and the lonely. I am sincerely grateful to God for His love and gifts. And, in spite of troubles, toils, and such, I have finally found myself enjoying life. With the move, I even find some greater hope in my real future.
I realized something odd the other day. I note how people see beauty all around them. This sunset, this setting, that view, or this notion. I do not see beauty as such. I see neither beauty nor the grotesque really, only something new that either invites or repels. I wish I could see as others do, but I seem to lack something or I lost something one or both times I died, or even in one or the other of my several very close calls. If I am drawn to something special, it is humans. The intricacy of their thoughts, the potential kindness of their ways, and the better angels of their dispositions. Whether beautiful by some standard or other, or ugly by all standards, young, middle aged, or old, there is something in their truths stories life and breath that is special to me. They are little miracles. They are all children. The ones who have seen horror and who have chosen against it and the very young and very old are among my favorite of these. I keep my distance, for the most part. My very nature is so rife with preparedness or a fiery potential or something that I am unable to more than trodden down the flowers in their gardens. Like a Frankenstein monster, I best enjoy their natures from a distance.
Well, it is time to get back to work, or at least the work of waking up. Have a great day. May your heavy work feel light and good in your hands, and may the sweaty soil of toil ride your brow like a crown.
.
My dreams, of late, I realize now, have been horrendous. I realize I am warring every night. I am not necessarily being awakened by my dreams, if my sleep is miserable and I wake sore and tired. I can tell because the bedding is wet and has started to smell of sweat, and more, fear sweat. My bedding went from sweet clean to foul in four days. I will need to wash all of it, down to the bed pad. Gladiator sweat stinks. I would guess as much as the whole of the last week I have been in the jungle of my mind while sleeping. I have barely been surviving and I have been losing all of my friends, allies, no, brothers, over and over and over, with no means to change these dreams. Knowing what is going to happen but having no means of changing in dream or waking up. I die a little bit each time.
I have agreed to the fact, for the most part, that this is based on nothing real. But I cannot seem to change how it makes me feel. I cannot set it aside, let it go, or do anything more than pray. I am not sure why these things haunt me, and have haunted me for decades. Searching for why, or in the beginning if, has been as fruitful as logically figuring out where in reality I am. GPS, you say? First, that is not logic, that is electrical mechanics. Second, even if allowed (assuming I alone developed all of the tools to make it work and then built and implemented them), the GPS would only indicate my place, within 50 yards unless you gained access to some of the better military or government geological tools and at best, on earth. That does not show me where I am in relation to the Milky Way, let alone in regard to the center of all known mass, in part because the majority of mass is as yet undefined. Now you know how I feel a bit more completely.
The world spins, I choke on dust of days gone by that probably have nothing to do with me, and which might have no basis in reality at all. I often feel foolish and am embarrassed about having such links. I wonder what I did wrong or what is wrong with me. There are no answers. Psychology did help, a bit, in dealing with these odd memories. Life is better, but not quite normalized. Medicine never fixed it. Medicine just zombified me so I was quiet about it, and everything else. The doctors liked it. Perhaps stress just causes a flaw in my psychic subroutines. The mind is a powerful and tricky thing.
Never mind, I will begin working again today. I think I will be able to get some serious work done. With the kitchen back in order, I believe the living room will get a good solid sweep. As well, I will begin collecting empty boxes together and sorting through them for keepers and losers. I woke up early, again, this morning, but was finally able to go back to sleep until 7:30 or so. Laundry has been started again, breakfast has been tended, and regularity is back on track. Maybe the work will help me sleep better.
I have been doing a lot of praying lately. This is not in regards to my dreams or work or move. I just felt the call to begin praying nightly, which has lead to prayers a bit more often throughout the day. There are many ill people out there, there are the poor, the oppressed, and the lonely. I am sincerely grateful to God for His love and gifts. And, in spite of troubles, toils, and such, I have finally found myself enjoying life. With the move, I even find some greater hope in my real future.
I realized something odd the other day. I note how people see beauty all around them. This sunset, this setting, that view, or this notion. I do not see beauty as such. I see neither beauty nor the grotesque really, only something new that either invites or repels. I wish I could see as others do, but I seem to lack something or I lost something one or both times I died, or even in one or the other of my several very close calls. If I am drawn to something special, it is humans. The intricacy of their thoughts, the potential kindness of their ways, and the better angels of their dispositions. Whether beautiful by some standard or other, or ugly by all standards, young, middle aged, or old, there is something in their truths stories life and breath that is special to me. They are little miracles. They are all children. The ones who have seen horror and who have chosen against it and the very young and very old are among my favorite of these. I keep my distance, for the most part. My very nature is so rife with preparedness or a fiery potential or something that I am unable to more than trodden down the flowers in their gardens. Like a Frankenstein monster, I best enjoy their natures from a distance.
Well, it is time to get back to work, or at least the work of waking up. Have a great day. May your heavy work feel light and good in your hands, and may the sweaty soil of toil ride your brow like a crown.
Monday, June 22, 2009
A long hot day.
.
.
Though not able to do all I had hoped, many things were done this day. The heat worked against me. The driving went well, even in the heat, but driving always takes a toll. But in this heat, it took a little more out of me. And, doing work around the place and doing some shopping, obviously going into and out of air conditioning added to that driving cost on my body. But the kitchen got a top down cleaning, along with the other things I was able to do. The neighbor lady did help with that last, in part in thanks for driving her regularly for free, in part just to help.
I did little else. I had hoped to lay down for a nap so that I might be able to do a bit more this evening. As I have said though, the heat, especially this severe heat, leaks into the cave and over the air conditioning. So, in spite of being rather exhausted, I just could not sleep. I can handle the cold a bit better than this heat. If I am no more active, I do not suffer. This whole week is supposed to be hot but I think this was the worst day forecast.
Tomorrow I do not need to drive, or anything else in particular, so I will get busy packing. With the kitchen in order, and much done, I should be able to sort and pack a few areas and perhaps tools. I need to keep the tools somewhat available, however, just in case I need them, either during the packing or just while finishing the apartment.
I am hoping I sleep well, and long, tonight. Waking up at 3:30 to 4:30 for the last few days is a real drag. And, yes, I tried to get back to sleep, it just was not happening. Oh, the neighbor has not stopped by today, the other neighbor, so I am not sure if he has found anything more about some things he was going to check. If I do not hear from him tomorrow I will pay him a visit. Being as hot as it was today, I would understand if they just pulled in and simply tried to stay cool. And, doing the work he does might have been about all he could do. It was, simply put, a brutal day.
If I do what I need to do this week, I will spend some time Sunday finding a little peace and quiet somewhere with lots of trees and other green, hopefully with water to swim in minus midgets. If it is raining, I might just check out my old hiking path and take a slow and safe walk. It gets a bit slippery on that path, being a dirt path and very hilly. Hmm, maybe not the path. Perhaps just a drive.
I must warm up some food and then get on to bed. I will take the chicken off the bone too. I could not get the rest of that on track though. I shopped but I did not pick up the particular things for that and it was just too hot and I was simply too tired to go back out. Still, with the fat skimmed from the chicken water and the chicken boned, the rest of that task will be a snap between this and that task tomorrow.
Have a good night. I have said a prayer for all of you today. Actually, for the last several evenings. Perhaps more for those of you who will never know. Sleep well, if you may. You will be in my prayers again tonight. I am enjoying the nightly prayers, more as time goes on, even if I have not yet formalized some significant part of that yet. That, I would guess, will come soon enough. Yes, good night and sleep well.
.
Though not able to do all I had hoped, many things were done this day. The heat worked against me. The driving went well, even in the heat, but driving always takes a toll. But in this heat, it took a little more out of me. And, doing work around the place and doing some shopping, obviously going into and out of air conditioning added to that driving cost on my body. But the kitchen got a top down cleaning, along with the other things I was able to do. The neighbor lady did help with that last, in part in thanks for driving her regularly for free, in part just to help.
I did little else. I had hoped to lay down for a nap so that I might be able to do a bit more this evening. As I have said though, the heat, especially this severe heat, leaks into the cave and over the air conditioning. So, in spite of being rather exhausted, I just could not sleep. I can handle the cold a bit better than this heat. If I am no more active, I do not suffer. This whole week is supposed to be hot but I think this was the worst day forecast.
Tomorrow I do not need to drive, or anything else in particular, so I will get busy packing. With the kitchen in order, and much done, I should be able to sort and pack a few areas and perhaps tools. I need to keep the tools somewhat available, however, just in case I need them, either during the packing or just while finishing the apartment.
I am hoping I sleep well, and long, tonight. Waking up at 3:30 to 4:30 for the last few days is a real drag. And, yes, I tried to get back to sleep, it just was not happening. Oh, the neighbor has not stopped by today, the other neighbor, so I am not sure if he has found anything more about some things he was going to check. If I do not hear from him tomorrow I will pay him a visit. Being as hot as it was today, I would understand if they just pulled in and simply tried to stay cool. And, doing the work he does might have been about all he could do. It was, simply put, a brutal day.
If I do what I need to do this week, I will spend some time Sunday finding a little peace and quiet somewhere with lots of trees and other green, hopefully with water to swim in minus midgets. If it is raining, I might just check out my old hiking path and take a slow and safe walk. It gets a bit slippery on that path, being a dirt path and very hilly. Hmm, maybe not the path. Perhaps just a drive.
I must warm up some food and then get on to bed. I will take the chicken off the bone too. I could not get the rest of that on track though. I shopped but I did not pick up the particular things for that and it was just too hot and I was simply too tired to go back out. Still, with the fat skimmed from the chicken water and the chicken boned, the rest of that task will be a snap between this and that task tomorrow.
Have a good night. I have said a prayer for all of you today. Actually, for the last several evenings. Perhaps more for those of you who will never know. Sleep well, if you may. You will be in my prayers again tonight. I am enjoying the nightly prayers, more as time goes on, even if I have not yet formalized some significant part of that yet. That, I would guess, will come soon enough. Yes, good night and sleep well.
The call.
.
.
Though I have been a marginal Christian most of my life, for earlier in life I have felt a call to God many times. And, I did what I was able, usually. As a youth, the most I could do was read the bible and find religious leadership I trusted and do what I could with that. Moving so often, it was difficult to really seek strong lasting bonds. As time went on, the call would return and I would seek as I could. A busy life and frequently moving continued to plague my searches. At some points, I would do my best to ignore the call. Either being angry with God, feeling like he was calling the wrong man, or being afraid of what the call might mean to my life, wants, and understanding.
When I became disabled, I felt more unsure about things. How could a cripple even serve? Why was he calling me? Had I not done enough? And, as always, there was fear. But the call would not quit. After many years of stalling or do little things I finally went where I knew I had to go. Even then I put out every reason that I should not be allowed into the Church so that I could be rejected. But the Church did not reject me. It did not abuse me for being who and what I am. It, through one of it's voices, welcomed me in and began laying the groundwork for my acceptance.
I went through the classes, mostly, and then later joined the Church. As I did this, I did become better. Like a full sun plant which had been sitting in shade, which is then moved to it's most favorable clime, I grew, strengthened, and started laying my roots. Finally, I knew I was Home. But the call kept coming. Different, but there. Why is God still knocking on my door? Frustrated, and maybe a little angry, I began looking again. More fearful than ever, when the realization hit, at what I believe God is calling me to do. I feel called to be a family man! Me, a dolt, a previously heavy skirt chaser, a poor example of a man, and, and, me!
Through out the calls, acceptances, and work, God has, bit by bit, been changing me. I am being sculpted into a man of God and further, into the shape of a husband and father. Little things I thought nothing of before were being cut away as sinful, self indulgent, and as not useful for my roles. Oddly, it has been far easier than I would have imagined. But, that I am as different a man today as a man can be, from the man I was just a few years ago, amazes me and all.
But, in this fast change, my tolerance for some things has seemingly passed out of my grip as well. I may be too intolerant, I cannot say. Where I might used to say "live and let live", I now say "no"! Where I would have turned a blind eye, I know look closely. Like a bird building a nest, I now look for what belongs there and what does not. My nest of a life is not just for me anymore, and some things just do not belong. And, I do write about it. Few of you could have missed it.
Now you know why. If you really do not like it, stop reading or take it up with God. If I am wrong, you have the capacity to write me and email or comment. I will not block such. And, I will try to discuss things. But I will not surrender God, rightness, or truth for someone's feelings. I cannot.
.
Though I have been a marginal Christian most of my life, for earlier in life I have felt a call to God many times. And, I did what I was able, usually. As a youth, the most I could do was read the bible and find religious leadership I trusted and do what I could with that. Moving so often, it was difficult to really seek strong lasting bonds. As time went on, the call would return and I would seek as I could. A busy life and frequently moving continued to plague my searches. At some points, I would do my best to ignore the call. Either being angry with God, feeling like he was calling the wrong man, or being afraid of what the call might mean to my life, wants, and understanding.
When I became disabled, I felt more unsure about things. How could a cripple even serve? Why was he calling me? Had I not done enough? And, as always, there was fear. But the call would not quit. After many years of stalling or do little things I finally went where I knew I had to go. Even then I put out every reason that I should not be allowed into the Church so that I could be rejected. But the Church did not reject me. It did not abuse me for being who and what I am. It, through one of it's voices, welcomed me in and began laying the groundwork for my acceptance.
I went through the classes, mostly, and then later joined the Church. As I did this, I did become better. Like a full sun plant which had been sitting in shade, which is then moved to it's most favorable clime, I grew, strengthened, and started laying my roots. Finally, I knew I was Home. But the call kept coming. Different, but there. Why is God still knocking on my door? Frustrated, and maybe a little angry, I began looking again. More fearful than ever, when the realization hit, at what I believe God is calling me to do. I feel called to be a family man! Me, a dolt, a previously heavy skirt chaser, a poor example of a man, and, and, me!
Through out the calls, acceptances, and work, God has, bit by bit, been changing me. I am being sculpted into a man of God and further, into the shape of a husband and father. Little things I thought nothing of before were being cut away as sinful, self indulgent, and as not useful for my roles. Oddly, it has been far easier than I would have imagined. But, that I am as different a man today as a man can be, from the man I was just a few years ago, amazes me and all.
But, in this fast change, my tolerance for some things has seemingly passed out of my grip as well. I may be too intolerant, I cannot say. Where I might used to say "live and let live", I now say "no"! Where I would have turned a blind eye, I know look closely. Like a bird building a nest, I now look for what belongs there and what does not. My nest of a life is not just for me anymore, and some things just do not belong. And, I do write about it. Few of you could have missed it.
Now you know why. If you really do not like it, stop reading or take it up with God. If I am wrong, you have the capacity to write me and email or comment. I will not block such. And, I will try to discuss things. But I will not surrender God, rightness, or truth for someone's feelings. I cannot.
A new week and much to do.
.
.
The chicken was finished and refrigerated last night, along with enough fluid to use in the cooking. I am not sure if the chicken was cool enough to take off the bone last night, but by the time it was even cool enough to put away, it was too late to stay up later doing the task in any case. I am looking forward to getting that done later this day. I have one pan soaking, one that I will need, but everything else should be set.
The weather here has become powerful. The heat indexed with humidity is supposed to total to a feel of 100 F. Drinking lots of water, eating little, and such are recommended, along with great care in even going outdoors. Sunburns, I have heard, can begin in as little as 15 minutes with no protection. I have noted, on hot days like these, even inside an air conditioned cave I feel that heat. Eating a normal meal is problematic as well. In this kind of heat, even in the shade and AC, my meal simply lumps into my stomach. It was interesting to note the news now includes the a UV rating (or something like that). It puts it at 10.0, nearly maximum. Something else new to me was that they suggested that near a beach, or where the sunshine might reflect off water or such, may double that count (so, I assume, double the risk for sunburn?).
I have to drive my neighbor to her appointment, as usual, today. She has said she would like to help, as well as my other neighbors. Instead of having her help me pack, though, I think I will see if she will help me simply straighten up today. And then, when the other neighbors come over this afternoon, I will be in better shape to begin packing. Between the help I am receiving, I should be able to do even more. Not only does it show respect to those helping, it helps me plan better regarding what we and I are doing, it gets the job done quicker. I know, common sense, duh, and other things. I did not say I am brilliant or that I would reinvent the wheel or invent the spouaaaj*.
I heard some disturbing news today. The porn industry is bringing in more money than all sports. I had heard that 90% or more of the internet is just porn before, though I doubted that. Now, I am not so sure. I am beginning to believe porn is much larger than I had ever imagined. I really, finally and ultimately, see it as altogether evil. It does completely objective women, specifically and generally. It makes women interchangeable and impersonal sexual objects. But more, it kills love in the hearts and minds of men. It cuts off the potential for a truly special relationship between men and women. Then again, I think many men and women prefer it that way. Turn what could be a deep, personal, whole life, even eternal sort of special love into a business deal complete, it keeps the risk for pain to a minimum, and incurs no fault since everyone knows the deal going into it. I am not sure if this is a result of the fractures in the family allowed by law, upheld by common life, the mobility now available, and the suppression of the Church, I just know it is a sad thing to watch.
I went through my dalliance with that particular evil. Before I joined the Church, before I rejected or even understood sin as I now feel called to do, I had fallen into ogling the screen. I was in a relationship at the time, dry as it was. Then again, considering it was a Godless relationship, I guess that is as good as those can be and probably on every level. I worried that my woman, at the time, would cheat on me. She seemed to be highly sexual and yet was not having sex with me. So, I prayed to God that he keep her chaste or allow her to be monogamous. And, as clearly as I have ever received a communication from God, and to my utter surprise (and, initially, frustration) I a heard in my mind, "Do not worry about the splinter in her eye, look to the log in yours!". It was not a question, it was a command. After a few (many) more prayers, I quit looking for a bit. I started up for just a short bit but felt so wrong and bad that I again prayed about it, then quit to this date.
I know the world of man seems to think porn is just another product. And, to some not too small degree, think women are merely products. From escorts to prostitutes, to arm candy girlfriends and wives, the distortion of the place of women has been warped. To some degree, it is no wonder women are drawn to careers. Between male expectations, the worlds demands, and their own warped image about themselves, perhaps there is little to be gained by being a humble yet true housewife. Or, that perception could falsely be ingrained.
Sex and beauty is sold everywhere. But what that beauty was intended to initiate, and what sex is really about, has been turned on it's head. For some women, beauty is just for themselves. But why? It will, and has to, fade. Flowers do bloom, fade, and then die, but they are productive in their time. Imagine if all of the tulips in the world, bloomed one more time but unproductively. They might be able to maintain their beauty a little longer, but in the end there would be no more tulips. And, I am guessing, this is the way of it. And, I am told, this is a good thing. Why? Because men are pigs, or so it goes. But, when confronted by a good man, by these same women, he is considered... what was the word... ah, yes... quaint.
I do not know if porn is all that most men think is left, or if it is what helped bring all this about. I know, from speaking to some men, I am considered a nerd for having rejected porn, more so for having rejected gratuitous affairs (even remaining monogamous within those was considered odd by many of my then fellows). The call to God, by God, confuses me. I was such a sinner, and recalcitrant about it for the most part. I am not sure how I heard that call over the cacophony of modernistic chaos and sin. I know what my just deserts were and even still are. And, yet, here I stand. And, seemingly alone and becoming more singular daily. I am not sure the world ever did change, perhaps I was just ignorant of the vast evil, while living in my own sin quite happily, until I followed the call. Maybe my eyes never were quite as open as I had thought they were. Now, what I would not do to close them, again, but this time to simply live without the evil in blissful ignorance.
Well, I should get back to work, rather than sit here writing to the air. Though these sessions unload many fears, thoughts, troubles, doubts, and such. With these off my mind, I am freer to go about physical work. Shining a light on those ghosts that haunt the shadows of my mind allows me to not be so upset and to know what it is that bothers me, taking away some of the sting they might inflict if I did not know from whence the poison comes. Perhaps it even allows some small ability to produce antivenin for some of those poisons, and brace for the toxins which have no curative. Today, for a bit, I will be free from this cloud. To work!
.
The chicken was finished and refrigerated last night, along with enough fluid to use in the cooking. I am not sure if the chicken was cool enough to take off the bone last night, but by the time it was even cool enough to put away, it was too late to stay up later doing the task in any case. I am looking forward to getting that done later this day. I have one pan soaking, one that I will need, but everything else should be set.
The weather here has become powerful. The heat indexed with humidity is supposed to total to a feel of 100 F. Drinking lots of water, eating little, and such are recommended, along with great care in even going outdoors. Sunburns, I have heard, can begin in as little as 15 minutes with no protection. I have noted, on hot days like these, even inside an air conditioned cave I feel that heat. Eating a normal meal is problematic as well. In this kind of heat, even in the shade and AC, my meal simply lumps into my stomach. It was interesting to note the news now includes the a UV rating (or something like that). It puts it at 10.0, nearly maximum. Something else new to me was that they suggested that near a beach, or where the sunshine might reflect off water or such, may double that count (so, I assume, double the risk for sunburn?).
I have to drive my neighbor to her appointment, as usual, today. She has said she would like to help, as well as my other neighbors. Instead of having her help me pack, though, I think I will see if she will help me simply straighten up today. And then, when the other neighbors come over this afternoon, I will be in better shape to begin packing. Between the help I am receiving, I should be able to do even more. Not only does it show respect to those helping, it helps me plan better regarding what we and I are doing, it gets the job done quicker. I know, common sense, duh, and other things. I did not say I am brilliant or that I would reinvent the wheel or invent the spouaaaj*.
I heard some disturbing news today. The porn industry is bringing in more money than all sports. I had heard that 90% or more of the internet is just porn before, though I doubted that. Now, I am not so sure. I am beginning to believe porn is much larger than I had ever imagined. I really, finally and ultimately, see it as altogether evil. It does completely objective women, specifically and generally. It makes women interchangeable and impersonal sexual objects. But more, it kills love in the hearts and minds of men. It cuts off the potential for a truly special relationship between men and women. Then again, I think many men and women prefer it that way. Turn what could be a deep, personal, whole life, even eternal sort of special love into a business deal complete, it keeps the risk for pain to a minimum, and incurs no fault since everyone knows the deal going into it. I am not sure if this is a result of the fractures in the family allowed by law, upheld by common life, the mobility now available, and the suppression of the Church, I just know it is a sad thing to watch.
I went through my dalliance with that particular evil. Before I joined the Church, before I rejected or even understood sin as I now feel called to do, I had fallen into ogling the screen. I was in a relationship at the time, dry as it was. Then again, considering it was a Godless relationship, I guess that is as good as those can be and probably on every level. I worried that my woman, at the time, would cheat on me. She seemed to be highly sexual and yet was not having sex with me. So, I prayed to God that he keep her chaste or allow her to be monogamous. And, as clearly as I have ever received a communication from God, and to my utter surprise (and, initially, frustration) I a heard in my mind, "Do not worry about the splinter in her eye, look to the log in yours!". It was not a question, it was a command. After a few (many) more prayers, I quit looking for a bit. I started up for just a short bit but felt so wrong and bad that I again prayed about it, then quit to this date.
I know the world of man seems to think porn is just another product. And, to some not too small degree, think women are merely products. From escorts to prostitutes, to arm candy girlfriends and wives, the distortion of the place of women has been warped. To some degree, it is no wonder women are drawn to careers. Between male expectations, the worlds demands, and their own warped image about themselves, perhaps there is little to be gained by being a humble yet true housewife. Or, that perception could falsely be ingrained.
Sex and beauty is sold everywhere. But what that beauty was intended to initiate, and what sex is really about, has been turned on it's head. For some women, beauty is just for themselves. But why? It will, and has to, fade. Flowers do bloom, fade, and then die, but they are productive in their time. Imagine if all of the tulips in the world, bloomed one more time but unproductively. They might be able to maintain their beauty a little longer, but in the end there would be no more tulips. And, I am guessing, this is the way of it. And, I am told, this is a good thing. Why? Because men are pigs, or so it goes. But, when confronted by a good man, by these same women, he is considered... what was the word... ah, yes... quaint.
I do not know if porn is all that most men think is left, or if it is what helped bring all this about. I know, from speaking to some men, I am considered a nerd for having rejected porn, more so for having rejected gratuitous affairs (even remaining monogamous within those was considered odd by many of my then fellows). The call to God, by God, confuses me. I was such a sinner, and recalcitrant about it for the most part. I am not sure how I heard that call over the cacophony of modernistic chaos and sin. I know what my just deserts were and even still are. And, yet, here I stand. And, seemingly alone and becoming more singular daily. I am not sure the world ever did change, perhaps I was just ignorant of the vast evil, while living in my own sin quite happily, until I followed the call. Maybe my eyes never were quite as open as I had thought they were. Now, what I would not do to close them, again, but this time to simply live without the evil in blissful ignorance.
Well, I should get back to work, rather than sit here writing to the air. Though these sessions unload many fears, thoughts, troubles, doubts, and such. With these off my mind, I am freer to go about physical work. Shining a light on those ghosts that haunt the shadows of my mind allows me to not be so upset and to know what it is that bothers me, taking away some of the sting they might inflict if I did not know from whence the poison comes. Perhaps it even allows some small ability to produce antivenin for some of those poisons, and brace for the toxins which have no curative. Today, for a bit, I will be free from this cloud. To work!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tornado.
.
.
It seems there is a tornado, here in town. It has been spotted. I cannot seem to find out where it was spotted. I only looked because it feels weird. We are told to find shelter. I do not have shelter. I will just set the chicken to cool, put some of the liquid in a jar, and get ready for bed. I am surprised the cable television is not putting out a warning. Odd.
Good night.
.
It seems there is a tornado, here in town. It has been spotted. I cannot seem to find out where it was spotted. I only looked because it feels weird. We are told to find shelter. I do not have shelter. I will just set the chicken to cool, put some of the liquid in a jar, and get ready for bed. I am surprised the cable television is not putting out a warning. Odd.
Good night.
A call to my Mom.
.
.
After trying to call my mother all morning and early afternoon, and failing, I gave up. She called me back late in the afternoon. She was worried, knowing all she does. I set her mind to ease. I only need help with the enchilada recipe, I told her. Her mind once again at ease, we began discussing my flop. Too much flour, was her first words. I had suspected this, but I thought there might be more, so I went on. I used peanut oil and used some of the beef fats. No, no, peanut oil is too thick and the beef fat just will not work, Canola or plain vegetable oil I am told. Okay, I said. Oh, how much water, I used maybe a few tablespoons, perhaps as much as a cup. No, 3 to 4 cups of water, added a cup at a time. There was more, but I think I had the rest of it pretty right on, as little as that was.
Hmm, well, I did try. My aunt did this so fast, and never measured, so I was merely going on instinct. She used different sized pots and pans, so my volumetric views were skewed as well. The good thing is that I liked the spice mix and taste from what I did that I gained that and I now have a practice session. I have a practical set of experiences from which to start doing it right. I would like to get this recipe down, just so, and while it is fresh on my mind. She suggested that, once I have it down, I will always have it. And, from experience, I think she is right as rain. I have some of the spice mix my aunt graciously gave me, and the stuff I ordered. My mom will receive a nice little assortment from my order for her good deeds.
I suggested using chicken hindquarters, I have since bought fresh, for the meat. She suggested boiling them then using chicken water for the sauce after cooling it and removing the layer of fat from the water. That, she suggested, would add worlds of flavor. So, my plans are simple. I would like to make several more enchilada casseroles in order to get this down while I can, starting with the chicken one. And, since I am now getting some help with packing, I would like to have some 'thank you' food on hand.
As is, I will not be able, most likely, to make the chicken casserole today. But I will begin with the chicken, boiling it for use tomorrow. I am not sure how long it will take to cool down, but to get enough water to a boil to actually begin boiling the fowl parts, then boil the chicken done, then with the time to let it cool enough to put in the refrigerator (or debone if it is cool enough for that before bedtime), my day will very likely be at an end before I could consider cooking the casserole. I do not work on Sunday, but cooking, to my current understanding, is not work for such purposes.
I see that I have lost what I had thought was a friend. I do not see how the shoe fits, but that is not for me to say. I am not a negotiator, as I have said. I could say more, either digging a deeper hole or trying to bridge the current hole, but I do not see either as useful. The reaction was emotional so no thinking on my part will help. And, I would guess, the words would not be read by the one who feels offended. I am surprised, even with occasional nods, that anyone really reads my blog. I honestly did not realize people do read here, or fully, or often. This is my diary. I would think, if people do read here, they might easily be offended in any case. Thick skin should be required for reading a beasts inner thoughts.
Did you think I jested when I suggested I was an ogre or other type of monster, dear readers? Though I would never harm you of flesh (unless of course you approached with a sharp stick pointed toward my eye, a certain gleam in your eye, and a specific stance in your approach), but your feelings mean little to me for the following reason. I cannot feel your pain, which flows from another reason yet. My pain receptors have been shredded in attempt to find truth and what is wrong with me, and in attempting to either fix that or move on without a fix. My idea of delicacy is not even civil, mainly because I have little left but raw nerves, brute strength, and ferocity, that which has allowed me to survive.
What were those lyrics? Dunno, something like... "Standing at ground zero, baby, hollow but alive..." And just lately, more hollow than alive.
If you are delicate, easily offended, or cannot handle the voices in my head, leave. I hold nothing against you. I am a bit jealous that you can lead such a sheltered little life. But you do not belong in this shadow world. You will be eaten here, by me or those things I invoke. True or not, the taste is the same, and it can be darkly bitter. Get thee hie!
.
After trying to call my mother all morning and early afternoon, and failing, I gave up. She called me back late in the afternoon. She was worried, knowing all she does. I set her mind to ease. I only need help with the enchilada recipe, I told her. Her mind once again at ease, we began discussing my flop. Too much flour, was her first words. I had suspected this, but I thought there might be more, so I went on. I used peanut oil and used some of the beef fats. No, no, peanut oil is too thick and the beef fat just will not work, Canola or plain vegetable oil I am told. Okay, I said. Oh, how much water, I used maybe a few tablespoons, perhaps as much as a cup. No, 3 to 4 cups of water, added a cup at a time. There was more, but I think I had the rest of it pretty right on, as little as that was.
Hmm, well, I did try. My aunt did this so fast, and never measured, so I was merely going on instinct. She used different sized pots and pans, so my volumetric views were skewed as well. The good thing is that I liked the spice mix and taste from what I did that I gained that and I now have a practice session. I have a practical set of experiences from which to start doing it right. I would like to get this recipe down, just so, and while it is fresh on my mind. She suggested that, once I have it down, I will always have it. And, from experience, I think she is right as rain. I have some of the spice mix my aunt graciously gave me, and the stuff I ordered. My mom will receive a nice little assortment from my order for her good deeds.
I suggested using chicken hindquarters, I have since bought fresh, for the meat. She suggested boiling them then using chicken water for the sauce after cooling it and removing the layer of fat from the water. That, she suggested, would add worlds of flavor. So, my plans are simple. I would like to make several more enchilada casseroles in order to get this down while I can, starting with the chicken one. And, since I am now getting some help with packing, I would like to have some 'thank you' food on hand.
As is, I will not be able, most likely, to make the chicken casserole today. But I will begin with the chicken, boiling it for use tomorrow. I am not sure how long it will take to cool down, but to get enough water to a boil to actually begin boiling the fowl parts, then boil the chicken done, then with the time to let it cool enough to put in the refrigerator (or debone if it is cool enough for that before bedtime), my day will very likely be at an end before I could consider cooking the casserole. I do not work on Sunday, but cooking, to my current understanding, is not work for such purposes.
I see that I have lost what I had thought was a friend. I do not see how the shoe fits, but that is not for me to say. I am not a negotiator, as I have said. I could say more, either digging a deeper hole or trying to bridge the current hole, but I do not see either as useful. The reaction was emotional so no thinking on my part will help. And, I would guess, the words would not be read by the one who feels offended. I am surprised, even with occasional nods, that anyone really reads my blog. I honestly did not realize people do read here, or fully, or often. This is my diary. I would think, if people do read here, they might easily be offended in any case. Thick skin should be required for reading a beasts inner thoughts.
Did you think I jested when I suggested I was an ogre or other type of monster, dear readers? Though I would never harm you of flesh (unless of course you approached with a sharp stick pointed toward my eye, a certain gleam in your eye, and a specific stance in your approach), but your feelings mean little to me for the following reason. I cannot feel your pain, which flows from another reason yet. My pain receptors have been shredded in attempt to find truth and what is wrong with me, and in attempting to either fix that or move on without a fix. My idea of delicacy is not even civil, mainly because I have little left but raw nerves, brute strength, and ferocity, that which has allowed me to survive.
What were those lyrics? Dunno, something like... "Standing at ground zero, baby, hollow but alive..." And just lately, more hollow than alive.
If you are delicate, easily offended, or cannot handle the voices in my head, leave. I hold nothing against you. I am a bit jealous that you can lead such a sheltered little life. But you do not belong in this shadow world. You will be eaten here, by me or those things I invoke. True or not, the taste is the same, and it can be darkly bitter. Get thee hie!
Unrest in Iran.
.
.
I see news reports and blog posts regarding Iran. I almost cannot open a blog without seeing something, somewhere, whether in a post, comment, or in a sidebar. I have to wonder about it though, for a number of reasons. The first issue regards memory, and not that much of a memory. The last revolution in Iran lead to this. I am sure there were quite a few supporters from the usual suspects both here at home and abroad. They went underground with their support, however, after the storming of the U.S. Embassy. It still existed, I would guess, and in some significant factions of the left, the Embassy issue was a plus. The second issue is current history. Did we not just go through our own hope change revolution? The leader who was not elected is very trivially different from the one who was actually elected, in Iran. As for voter fraud, we have very little to say (Acorn) about (Chicago Politics) that.
We have seen nothing to indicate the, potentially, defrauded candidate would do anything in the slightest different from the one who was elected. And more, we know next to nothing about him. Is he actually able to legally hold office, does he have any real plans to democratize or even increase the totalitarian nature of his state (that would, after all, be change), and can he count or does he know anyone who can count, for economic and other purposes? You see, he is simply another BHO, or is that actually an anagram of some sort for bad political (and other) body odor.
So, if I seem disinterested and fail to show the proper excitement, you will, if you are kind (and smart) let me get back to my fish bowl of a life. I know, I seem like a cute little short of memory beta fish. But if you stir my pond, you might end up with one less finger. Enter my world at your peril. You will find my little bowl is a lot larger than it might seem from where you are standing.
*happily dozing and offering the illusion of a nice little red fish in a nice little bowl*
Can you say "Jaws". *chomp* Tasty, needs garlic though.
.
I see news reports and blog posts regarding Iran. I almost cannot open a blog without seeing something, somewhere, whether in a post, comment, or in a sidebar. I have to wonder about it though, for a number of reasons. The first issue regards memory, and not that much of a memory. The last revolution in Iran lead to this. I am sure there were quite a few supporters from the usual suspects both here at home and abroad. They went underground with their support, however, after the storming of the U.S. Embassy. It still existed, I would guess, and in some significant factions of the left, the Embassy issue was a plus. The second issue is current history. Did we not just go through our own hope change revolution? The leader who was not elected is very trivially different from the one who was actually elected, in Iran. As for voter fraud, we have very little to say (Acorn) about (Chicago Politics) that.
We have seen nothing to indicate the, potentially, defrauded candidate would do anything in the slightest different from the one who was elected. And more, we know next to nothing about him. Is he actually able to legally hold office, does he have any real plans to democratize or even increase the totalitarian nature of his state (that would, after all, be change), and can he count or does he know anyone who can count, for economic and other purposes? You see, he is simply another BHO, or is that actually an anagram of some sort for bad political (and other) body odor.
So, if I seem disinterested and fail to show the proper excitement, you will, if you are kind (and smart) let me get back to my fish bowl of a life. I know, I seem like a cute little short of memory beta fish. But if you stir my pond, you might end up with one less finger. Enter my world at your peril. You will find my little bowl is a lot larger than it might seem from where you are standing.
*happily dozing and offering the illusion of a nice little red fish in a nice little bowl*
Can you say "Jaws". *chomp* Tasty, needs garlic though.
A little clarity regarding politics and the feminine mind.
.
.
I was going through mental recalibrations this morning and some patterns and thoughts converged. While considering politics, generally, and women, specifically, an outline emerged. As I spent time pondering these things, initially individually, and then like the 'You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!' moment occurred, the two melded and I started to sort and stack the ideas into a coherent singular front.
My thoughts regarding feminism and simply the feminine were in regards to special women in my life, such as my mother, past loves, lady friends and such. I see, clearly, that part of the difficulty in dealing with women, for me, and at times, is that we cannot agree to some basic set of rules. The women I have known, seemingly, cannot keep their word and do not think doing so is important, as long as everybody (often merely meaning they) feel good about any situation. They seem to have no understanding that some do not operate that way, nor why someone else would be put off just because they do not do what they said they would do, especially if they are happy with it. Many women believe that if they just believe strongly enough, that what they believe becomes true. Logic, fact, and reality are merely man made constraints on their lives. If everyone can be brought to happiness through the notion, then it must be true. Again, everyone being synonymous with them.
On the political spectrum, I keep pondering the notion that so many statist nations tend toward believing their leaders can make a good life via thin air. The governments often believe that if they create a law, reality is created. The nation, dictator, bureaucrats, or whoever holds the real power believes they know enough to change the course of reality, therefore, the outcomes based on reality. They see economic truth as something to be overcome, rather than negotiated. If prices are too high, well, legislate them down! Why let supply and demand do the work in it's right way when one has the power to simply legislate. Of course, and this is just one example, it cannot work. When a power legislates the cost, producers are pushed out of production and quality dives. Perhaps production simply cannot be maintained. What must then happen is that the government must, to ensure production, take from the people and use that money for production. This, actually, ends up costing the consumer more in quality and availability (think bread lines), and for a very steep cost both economically and socially.
Governments like this tend to ignore reality and push into fantasy. These governments have failed their people every time and in every way. And yet, it is also how women think and often act. Equality for all cannot be legislated, it cannot be forced, and it is a failure in every way. Men are only created equal, they are only supposed to be equal, ever, in consideration before proper man's law and God's justice. The rest is fiction. Safety cannot be ensured, nor should it be. For the greatest safety, we would be strapped into chairs and used as batteries, our nourishment would be provided according to our need, and we would not be allowed to be a harm to ourselves or others. Of course, this assumes we do not have a soul and are simply collective animals. And, that is taken to an extreme. However, we are nearing being taken to an extreme. I do not think politicians, or women, who think like this can see past their next moves. That is why both end up problematic. Women, given too much power, end up being crones on the dole. Governments, given too much power by single women, end up eliminating those on the dole. Perhaps it is the way of things though.
I have not put that out as in depth, or even as accurately or precisely, as I would wish too. My word processor is dead in the water, so I have been having to type right into my blogger word processor which leaves little in the way of editing power. Still, I think it gives a general idea. I went through the thinking processes, saw the connections, linked the dots, wrote it as well as I could, and there it is. Now I can get back to other thoughts.
Have a good Sunday.
Update:
Hmmm, could really make some women folk angry. But, that seems to be my nature. First, remember the old addage, "If the shoe fits...". If it does not fit, Doh!, do not wear it. If it does, I hope you get blisters. Second, do not feel alone, that is my job. Third, well, I am sure there is a third, and probably a forth and fifth, but I just woke up. Though it might have something to do with not just picking on you but picking on everyone, if not equally as I do not believe in that, I do tend to snipe everyone a bit, to include myself. Now, go away.
.
I was going through mental recalibrations this morning and some patterns and thoughts converged. While considering politics, generally, and women, specifically, an outline emerged. As I spent time pondering these things, initially individually, and then like the 'You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!' moment occurred, the two melded and I started to sort and stack the ideas into a coherent singular front.
My thoughts regarding feminism and simply the feminine were in regards to special women in my life, such as my mother, past loves, lady friends and such. I see, clearly, that part of the difficulty in dealing with women, for me, and at times, is that we cannot agree to some basic set of rules. The women I have known, seemingly, cannot keep their word and do not think doing so is important, as long as everybody (often merely meaning they) feel good about any situation. They seem to have no understanding that some do not operate that way, nor why someone else would be put off just because they do not do what they said they would do, especially if they are happy with it. Many women believe that if they just believe strongly enough, that what they believe becomes true. Logic, fact, and reality are merely man made constraints on their lives. If everyone can be brought to happiness through the notion, then it must be true. Again, everyone being synonymous with them.
On the political spectrum, I keep pondering the notion that so many statist nations tend toward believing their leaders can make a good life via thin air. The governments often believe that if they create a law, reality is created. The nation, dictator, bureaucrats, or whoever holds the real power believes they know enough to change the course of reality, therefore, the outcomes based on reality. They see economic truth as something to be overcome, rather than negotiated. If prices are too high, well, legislate them down! Why let supply and demand do the work in it's right way when one has the power to simply legislate. Of course, and this is just one example, it cannot work. When a power legislates the cost, producers are pushed out of production and quality dives. Perhaps production simply cannot be maintained. What must then happen is that the government must, to ensure production, take from the people and use that money for production. This, actually, ends up costing the consumer more in quality and availability (think bread lines), and for a very steep cost both economically and socially.
Governments like this tend to ignore reality and push into fantasy. These governments have failed their people every time and in every way. And yet, it is also how women think and often act. Equality for all cannot be legislated, it cannot be forced, and it is a failure in every way. Men are only created equal, they are only supposed to be equal, ever, in consideration before proper man's law and God's justice. The rest is fiction. Safety cannot be ensured, nor should it be. For the greatest safety, we would be strapped into chairs and used as batteries, our nourishment would be provided according to our need, and we would not be allowed to be a harm to ourselves or others. Of course, this assumes we do not have a soul and are simply collective animals. And, that is taken to an extreme. However, we are nearing being taken to an extreme. I do not think politicians, or women, who think like this can see past their next moves. That is why both end up problematic. Women, given too much power, end up being crones on the dole. Governments, given too much power by single women, end up eliminating those on the dole. Perhaps it is the way of things though.
I have not put that out as in depth, or even as accurately or precisely, as I would wish too. My word processor is dead in the water, so I have been having to type right into my blogger word processor which leaves little in the way of editing power. Still, I think it gives a general idea. I went through the thinking processes, saw the connections, linked the dots, wrote it as well as I could, and there it is. Now I can get back to other thoughts.
Have a good Sunday.
Update:
Hmmm, could really make some women folk angry. But, that seems to be my nature. First, remember the old addage, "If the shoe fits...". If it does not fit, Doh!, do not wear it. If it does, I hope you get blisters. Second, do not feel alone, that is my job. Third, well, I am sure there is a third, and probably a forth and fifth, but I just woke up. Though it might have something to do with not just picking on you but picking on everyone, if not equally as I do not believe in that, I do tend to snipe everyone a bit, to include myself. Now, go away.
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