.
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While I sit here doing as little possible, sweating anyway, and actually still enjoying life even if incapacitated by the heat, I realize something. This is how life has been for the eons before air conditioning. Until mechanization and air conditioning and eight to twelve hour work days, when the world warmed, work stopped or at least slowed down a great deal. I have heard that summer is the best time for putting in fencing but I argue that it is only the best time to put in some kinds of fencing, the kind that was brought about by mechanization. Stone fencing was better put in during the spring or fall, and it was kept to a minimum. You only fenced small areas if you fenced at all.
Washington D.C. was closed down during the summer. If you really wanted to see your representative, you went to his house. Some of that may have been farm related, though I have some doubts that most people wealthy enough to be representatives didn't do much if any of their own labor. Sure, they might lay a hand to something if they were feeling their oats, or particularly particular about a specific part of the work, but it was choice not requirement. Still, most, I would guess, did closely monitor their financial and business affairs, and few of our forefathers had no farming interests. But the business of government was a fall, winter, and spring affair. That really isn't a bad idea.
While I would like to get some air conditioning, as it would make life somewhat easier and make it less difficult to live what has become a more normal life, I would much rather see the world change directions and decide that summer heat is not conducive to work. It might indeed cut into industry. It surely might slow down progress. It might do a lot of things. To be absolutely honest, I am positive those would be good things. I should also say, that what has become known as the American way would be forced to retreat back to what it originally was, not what it is today. Unfortunately too many people are vested in "making it" to even consider a downgrade. I don't see this happening unless electricity becomes vastly more expensive than it currently is.
On the other hand, our government is busily making energy prices rise, along with food prices and even unemployment. Regardless of what they say or what you think, merely looking at the results is enough to know the truth. And, I disagree with this form of manipulation. I notice, beyond the problems with social engineering already know, that when modifications are made the weakest suffer the most. The elderly die in droves in Europe when it gets too hot or too cold. Their economy simply isn't fit to see to the needs of all but the healthiest. The next in line are children. While some believe trimming the numbers to be a good thing, if we have any social obligation it truly cannot be to supporting young adults in squalor while allowing the truly needy to simply parish. The proof is always in the pudding and socialism always proves the same thing, that it no more cares for those in need than it has an functional economic plan.
How do you convince people to back off without forcing them to back off? I really don't know. Actually though, I don't think teaching is the key at all. People can learn things, but they can only learn what is taught (at best). My guess would be to arrange so that they can experience the proposition and choose for themselves. Most, however, are too used to air conditioned living, long hours (the successful), and getting ahead, that there really will not be a change. So be it. My post is merely a "what if".
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sleep was rather lame.
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I did finally slide into bed, at some point. I simply become worn down enough to collapse and the world becomes just cool enough to allow sleep. It is no finer than that. I woke at some point, when the heat became unbearable for sleep, rose, and headed out into the main of my home. It is still too hot to do much. I step outside, from time to time, to heat up enough that coming back into my home makes it seem cool for a bit. I do need to get to town. I am out of a few things, including wet cat food. Oh the girls howl, whine, and beg, then finally drift off when they realize nothing is in the offing, other than dry catfoot.
I prefer to give them more wet cat food than not, too. It's not just a preference. They get much better meat protein and fat from the canned stuff then they do from the dry. They are decidedly not vegetarians. But the only way for the biscuits to keep their shape is to add lots of grain. Actually, not only aren't cats vegetarians, it has been strongly suggested that what little protein exists in dry cat food from the grains and vegetables is indigestible for cats. As a nearly solid meat eater myself, by needs and wants I think, I do understand. Lucky cats. I have heard of vegetarians having their cats removed because they were being starved to death on vegetarian "cat food". Fucking idiots. My cats are lucky, mostly. If I were richer they would be even more lucky. If I were only slightly more eccentric and much wealthier I would feed them the vegetarians who starved their 'siblings'! :)
Dreams have been common lately. I have been remembering them, but only for a short while after waking at best. Mostly fun dreams, then again I like scary dreams as much as I like wildly inventive ones. I haven't been bothering to change my dreams as they have been good enough. All I know about the last one is that it was exceptionally funny, in a wry way. I can't remember anything about it, just grinning in my sleep so much that laughing broke out until I became too close to wakefulness to maintain my dream state.
Hmm, on to burning daylight, as I can do little else at the moment. Good day.
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I did finally slide into bed, at some point. I simply become worn down enough to collapse and the world becomes just cool enough to allow sleep. It is no finer than that. I woke at some point, when the heat became unbearable for sleep, rose, and headed out into the main of my home. It is still too hot to do much. I step outside, from time to time, to heat up enough that coming back into my home makes it seem cool for a bit. I do need to get to town. I am out of a few things, including wet cat food. Oh the girls howl, whine, and beg, then finally drift off when they realize nothing is in the offing, other than dry catfoot.
I prefer to give them more wet cat food than not, too. It's not just a preference. They get much better meat protein and fat from the canned stuff then they do from the dry. They are decidedly not vegetarians. But the only way for the biscuits to keep their shape is to add lots of grain. Actually, not only aren't cats vegetarians, it has been strongly suggested that what little protein exists in dry cat food from the grains and vegetables is indigestible for cats. As a nearly solid meat eater myself, by needs and wants I think, I do understand. Lucky cats. I have heard of vegetarians having their cats removed because they were being starved to death on vegetarian "cat food". Fucking idiots. My cats are lucky, mostly. If I were richer they would be even more lucky. If I were only slightly more eccentric and much wealthier I would feed them the vegetarians who starved their 'siblings'! :)
Dreams have been common lately. I have been remembering them, but only for a short while after waking at best. Mostly fun dreams, then again I like scary dreams as much as I like wildly inventive ones. I haven't been bothering to change my dreams as they have been good enough. All I know about the last one is that it was exceptionally funny, in a wry way. I can't remember anything about it, just grinning in my sleep so much that laughing broke out until I became too close to wakefulness to maintain my dream state.
Hmm, on to burning daylight, as I can do little else at the moment. Good day.
A bit more thinking, and phone call?
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I have seen some windows for as low as $94 dollars. I don't think those would be at all energy efficient however. And I have looked at Anderson windows, which run $400 plus, which come with an energy saver rebate thing. While I like Anderson, I think they are probably over-priced. You are paying as much for the name as for the quality. The trick would be to find a window that has a similar quality without the pricetag. Even if I have someone install the window, I will want to know a great deal about the window they are offering. One group offered lifetime warranty, the problem is they don't have glass in them. Plexiglass or something. I'm not sure, but I think that would be a terrible thing to use for windows unless they have improved. Durable, sure, but why not just put up steel slats? I am still looking.
One of the things that worries me is that the type of window I will be removing is not the same type that I will be installing. Which means a frame might need to be constructed. I am not sure what is holding that old horizontal slat metal framed window in. Is there wood in there? Is it right up against the stone of the house, using mortar? I simply don't know and testing would be rather destructive. I suppose I could just start pulling things apart and looking, but there would go what passes for an already questionable water tight fit. Bleh...
There it was, nearly 1:00, and the phone rang. I have never gotten a call late at night that was an emergency and I don't get wrong numbers. There were only two options, and one of them is in a nursing type home recovering. He is surrounded by hens and they would not allow him such a luxury as a late night call, I think. The other lives in Iowa. It surprised me so, though, that I almost couldn't clear my thoughts regarding it and then get off my butt fast enough to answer it. Just in time. It was my lady friend.
She has been canoeing for the last four weekends. She gave up helping in the organic garden because she felt unwanted, which is killing her. She loves the loam, it seems. But she is sick tonight, and just called to chat. Sort of like she used to call me to bring her soup, or yogurt, or ice cream, or whatever crossed her mind when she was ill and I lived nearby. Sometimes I swore she was pregnant, not ill. I ended up ordering a couple of Russel Crowe movies for her, using a gift card she had, through Amazon. It saved her a trip to the library, to order using their computers. We had an interesting conversation. I still don't get her contentious nature. I have made it clear that she is the only one with a problem. That just boggles her mind. And makes me chuckle on the inside, later right out loud. I just hate giving up my little joys, my personal ones.
Hmm, still no sleep. And I am still cooking hot! I am not sure why. Though it hasn't cooled all that much yet. Windows open, fans going, the sun has been down for hours, and sweat still trickles down my sides. A shower doesn't even do it, though I probably will take one before long. Taking one an half hour before trying to sleep gives me enough time to be fully dry. Later. Actually... good night. I'll be up at least three or four more hours but I should stop boring my readers.
.
I have seen some windows for as low as $94 dollars. I don't think those would be at all energy efficient however. And I have looked at Anderson windows, which run $400 plus, which come with an energy saver rebate thing. While I like Anderson, I think they are probably over-priced. You are paying as much for the name as for the quality. The trick would be to find a window that has a similar quality without the pricetag. Even if I have someone install the window, I will want to know a great deal about the window they are offering. One group offered lifetime warranty, the problem is they don't have glass in them. Plexiglass or something. I'm not sure, but I think that would be a terrible thing to use for windows unless they have improved. Durable, sure, but why not just put up steel slats? I am still looking.
One of the things that worries me is that the type of window I will be removing is not the same type that I will be installing. Which means a frame might need to be constructed. I am not sure what is holding that old horizontal slat metal framed window in. Is there wood in there? Is it right up against the stone of the house, using mortar? I simply don't know and testing would be rather destructive. I suppose I could just start pulling things apart and looking, but there would go what passes for an already questionable water tight fit. Bleh...
There it was, nearly 1:00, and the phone rang. I have never gotten a call late at night that was an emergency and I don't get wrong numbers. There were only two options, and one of them is in a nursing type home recovering. He is surrounded by hens and they would not allow him such a luxury as a late night call, I think. The other lives in Iowa. It surprised me so, though, that I almost couldn't clear my thoughts regarding it and then get off my butt fast enough to answer it. Just in time. It was my lady friend.
She has been canoeing for the last four weekends. She gave up helping in the organic garden because she felt unwanted, which is killing her. She loves the loam, it seems. But she is sick tonight, and just called to chat. Sort of like she used to call me to bring her soup, or yogurt, or ice cream, or whatever crossed her mind when she was ill and I lived nearby. Sometimes I swore she was pregnant, not ill. I ended up ordering a couple of Russel Crowe movies for her, using a gift card she had, through Amazon. It saved her a trip to the library, to order using their computers. We had an interesting conversation. I still don't get her contentious nature. I have made it clear that she is the only one with a problem. That just boggles her mind. And makes me chuckle on the inside, later right out loud. I just hate giving up my little joys, my personal ones.
Hmm, still no sleep. And I am still cooking hot! I am not sure why. Though it hasn't cooled all that much yet. Windows open, fans going, the sun has been down for hours, and sweat still trickles down my sides. A shower doesn't even do it, though I probably will take one before long. Taking one an half hour before trying to sleep gives me enough time to be fully dry. Later. Actually... good night. I'll be up at least three or four more hours but I should stop boring my readers.
Friday, August 26, 2011
At 23:40 it is still 80 F in my home.
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Simply put, I could no more sleep then I could climb a mountain. I have the windows open, the fans going, it simply doesn't matter. I could lay down for a bit. And with the fan on me enjoy a bit of cooler quiet. But sleep will not happen at this temperature. My body sleeps when it can, in the coolest parts of the day. Sometime in early morning and then until the heat wakes it in the day. I have little choice in the matter. Oddly though, the heat isn't uncomfortable, as it was in Iowa or at times when I am sick. I honestly don't know how people do it AND go to work on a daily basis. I am assuming they figure out a way to get an air conditioner in. Especially those who have heavy manual labor work.
I had hoped to get to some work, but the heat pretty much saps my will. Any amount of work will see me soaked, if I had the energy left for it. I am not sure if it helps or hurts my underlying condition, but once medicine was settled or I became used to the heat, life has otherwise been quite good. I had a beer tonight, just because. My goal to have a beer or glass of wine a night has been sidetracked by my finances. And probably will remain sidetracked until after my mother returns to her home. While I do have money here or there, and some spending money, this visit in particular is going to be expensive. I am going to begin looking for a window installation service and pricing that service and good. I am guessing it will be $250 to $400. That has what I have seen previously. Then again, that may be a price offered only for some set number of windows. I just can't remember.
Ah well, a piece at a time. Like I said, my mother thought that we might do the project. But in pricing decent windows, from what I have seen, they start at about $200 to $250. If she actually knew what to do, I would be able to be the muscle. But I am quite sure she has no clue about installing a window. No, I think having it installed is the way to go. Anything, by the way, will beat what is in there now. An RV or school or industrial slat window that neither quite closes or opens without jerry rigging the thing.
On to a bit of study. I will be reviewing window prices and the installation process as well, again. Just to get the notion clear in my mind and decide if we really might be able to do it. I know I have the muscle. I am not sure I have the tools or skills or patience. As well, if I end up having it installed, I will be watching them. Plumb, check, window opens without a problem, check, water-tight, check, no damage to surrounds, check... Check, check, check. I will watch (and learn). I have a sawsall, but this might even require a chainsaw? Hmm, I just don't know.
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Simply put, I could no more sleep then I could climb a mountain. I have the windows open, the fans going, it simply doesn't matter. I could lay down for a bit. And with the fan on me enjoy a bit of cooler quiet. But sleep will not happen at this temperature. My body sleeps when it can, in the coolest parts of the day. Sometime in early morning and then until the heat wakes it in the day. I have little choice in the matter. Oddly though, the heat isn't uncomfortable, as it was in Iowa or at times when I am sick. I honestly don't know how people do it AND go to work on a daily basis. I am assuming they figure out a way to get an air conditioner in. Especially those who have heavy manual labor work.
I had hoped to get to some work, but the heat pretty much saps my will. Any amount of work will see me soaked, if I had the energy left for it. I am not sure if it helps or hurts my underlying condition, but once medicine was settled or I became used to the heat, life has otherwise been quite good. I had a beer tonight, just because. My goal to have a beer or glass of wine a night has been sidetracked by my finances. And probably will remain sidetracked until after my mother returns to her home. While I do have money here or there, and some spending money, this visit in particular is going to be expensive. I am going to begin looking for a window installation service and pricing that service and good. I am guessing it will be $250 to $400. That has what I have seen previously. Then again, that may be a price offered only for some set number of windows. I just can't remember.
Ah well, a piece at a time. Like I said, my mother thought that we might do the project. But in pricing decent windows, from what I have seen, they start at about $200 to $250. If she actually knew what to do, I would be able to be the muscle. But I am quite sure she has no clue about installing a window. No, I think having it installed is the way to go. Anything, by the way, will beat what is in there now. An RV or school or industrial slat window that neither quite closes or opens without jerry rigging the thing.
On to a bit of study. I will be reviewing window prices and the installation process as well, again. Just to get the notion clear in my mind and decide if we really might be able to do it. I know I have the muscle. I am not sure I have the tools or skills or patience. As well, if I end up having it installed, I will be watching them. Plumb, check, window opens without a problem, check, water-tight, check, no damage to surrounds, check... Check, check, check. I will watch (and learn). I have a sawsall, but this might even require a chainsaw? Hmm, I just don't know.
Prisoners, jailers, and the institutions they inhabit.
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As the time approaches for me to begin picking up the cross that has been laid before me, I begin to formulate, consider, and investigate the matters involved. I am not sure why I am called, other than that I sense that this is the way for me. I haven't consciously thought much about it, because to this point such a notion was far off and possibly never even going to be explored. My health is feeble, I wasn't even sure I would live to this point. Now as the time is arriving I begin thinking.
I understand some things about prisoners and law. I have known others who visited prisoners. I have known some prisoners after incarceration. Some I have known quite well. I have heard that many proclaim innocence. Some try to blame others for their actions. I simply disallow such notions. Inside a prison, to people who may have no chance at getting out or even surviving their stay, I am guessing such conversations might have to be tempered. I won't modify my answers if I might avoid such lines of questioning. As while it might seem that a freed criminal might be more dangerous, the truth is they now have a reason to fear prison while someone behind bars and without hope of being free has no such fear.
As for guilt or innocence, I do believe the absolute vast majority of criminals behind bars are there for very good reasons. Even should I accept that they are not in prison for the crime which they stand accused, I do suppose they should be there for a thousand other crimes. But that is not the point, neither to me personally or to my understanding of crime and punishment. Personally, I am not visiting about their guilt or innocence. I am visiting them as I would Christ, who was absolutely innocent, and even went on to die. So, personally, their guilt or innocence is not my issue. Further, I don't believe any judicial system is or can be perfect. The best we can hope for is as fair a system as is reasonable and that such a system make vitally clear what is acceptable and what is not. As for our judicial system? It is among, if not (and probably) the fairest system in this world. Nothing this side of Christ's proclamation of worth is closer to right. And, actually, if our system errs, it errs on the side of the criminal. No sympathy is to be had from my quarters.
But it isn't just about guilt or innocents that these people can try to get under your skin. They want what they can get. Some of them would happily kill you for even a short bit of seeming freedom. I think, even further, they want to make you guilty of something, anything, so that they can lessen their load, or not to feel alone in sin, or... for whatever reasons. I have seen this, know this. It isn't just prisoners though. People who use drugs try to pull you in. People who have strange sexual desires try to hook you up. I would guess that the desire becomes much more pervasive in prison.
I still have much to learn. There are real threats, there are rules, their are norms, and their are things to be gained from doing this type of work. I am neither thinking on this for the pleasures or pains. I'm not in this for me. I simply feel called to tend to those who wish company. And I don't even mind putting a nickel in a prisoners larder (legally, through the commissary, should that be allowed, mind you). If they have been without, abandoned by family and friends, or simply alone in the world and unable to earn just a bit for whatever reason. I would do this for my brother, from time to time, as money goes for me. I wouldn't mind getting them books that might not be available or might be in bad condition, as I could only imagine finding a great book, beginning it, only to find pages gone, worse still the last page. But only within the rules, norms, and my own safety and resource allowances. I do the same for my ill friend, currently. And even with him, I do so only within certain bounds (like not buying him cigarettes).
I don't think that I will be preaching though. I'm not really the preachy type, at least if not pushed. And then I would say I am more direct than preachy. No, I am just going so that some men know that others care, without any hope of gain, about other men. I guess I hope they see something, or learn something, or find something in the visit that might cause them to reconsider what they may know. I almost wish I could say I do it more for Christ, in remembrance. But that isn't true either. I do it for those men, wicked, hard, uncaring, dangerous, as they may be.
Actually, given that I could easily have ended up in prison, should I have slipped or pushed, I am only slightly more interested in visiting such an institution than I am in visiting hospitals. I knew a lot of guys who should have been, or possibly now are, there. I just don't have sympathy. I decided (or got a bit lucky) not to cross that line, or often enough and deeply enough, to be unquestionably invited into that club. No, I don't really want to go, I am simply called. When you let God in, you never know where you might end up. Who would have thought that by loving and obeying God I might end up going to prison! Well, or trying to? Yeah, now that is funny. At least in this case.
.
As the time approaches for me to begin picking up the cross that has been laid before me, I begin to formulate, consider, and investigate the matters involved. I am not sure why I am called, other than that I sense that this is the way for me. I haven't consciously thought much about it, because to this point such a notion was far off and possibly never even going to be explored. My health is feeble, I wasn't even sure I would live to this point. Now as the time is arriving I begin thinking.
I understand some things about prisoners and law. I have known others who visited prisoners. I have known some prisoners after incarceration. Some I have known quite well. I have heard that many proclaim innocence. Some try to blame others for their actions. I simply disallow such notions. Inside a prison, to people who may have no chance at getting out or even surviving their stay, I am guessing such conversations might have to be tempered. I won't modify my answers if I might avoid such lines of questioning. As while it might seem that a freed criminal might be more dangerous, the truth is they now have a reason to fear prison while someone behind bars and without hope of being free has no such fear.
As for guilt or innocence, I do believe the absolute vast majority of criminals behind bars are there for very good reasons. Even should I accept that they are not in prison for the crime which they stand accused, I do suppose they should be there for a thousand other crimes. But that is not the point, neither to me personally or to my understanding of crime and punishment. Personally, I am not visiting about their guilt or innocence. I am visiting them as I would Christ, who was absolutely innocent, and even went on to die. So, personally, their guilt or innocence is not my issue. Further, I don't believe any judicial system is or can be perfect. The best we can hope for is as fair a system as is reasonable and that such a system make vitally clear what is acceptable and what is not. As for our judicial system? It is among, if not (and probably) the fairest system in this world. Nothing this side of Christ's proclamation of worth is closer to right. And, actually, if our system errs, it errs on the side of the criminal. No sympathy is to be had from my quarters.
But it isn't just about guilt or innocents that these people can try to get under your skin. They want what they can get. Some of them would happily kill you for even a short bit of seeming freedom. I think, even further, they want to make you guilty of something, anything, so that they can lessen their load, or not to feel alone in sin, or... for whatever reasons. I have seen this, know this. It isn't just prisoners though. People who use drugs try to pull you in. People who have strange sexual desires try to hook you up. I would guess that the desire becomes much more pervasive in prison.
I still have much to learn. There are real threats, there are rules, their are norms, and their are things to be gained from doing this type of work. I am neither thinking on this for the pleasures or pains. I'm not in this for me. I simply feel called to tend to those who wish company. And I don't even mind putting a nickel in a prisoners larder (legally, through the commissary, should that be allowed, mind you). If they have been without, abandoned by family and friends, or simply alone in the world and unable to earn just a bit for whatever reason. I would do this for my brother, from time to time, as money goes for me. I wouldn't mind getting them books that might not be available or might be in bad condition, as I could only imagine finding a great book, beginning it, only to find pages gone, worse still the last page. But only within the rules, norms, and my own safety and resource allowances. I do the same for my ill friend, currently. And even with him, I do so only within certain bounds (like not buying him cigarettes).
I don't think that I will be preaching though. I'm not really the preachy type, at least if not pushed. And then I would say I am more direct than preachy. No, I am just going so that some men know that others care, without any hope of gain, about other men. I guess I hope they see something, or learn something, or find something in the visit that might cause them to reconsider what they may know. I almost wish I could say I do it more for Christ, in remembrance. But that isn't true either. I do it for those men, wicked, hard, uncaring, dangerous, as they may be.
Actually, given that I could easily have ended up in prison, should I have slipped or pushed, I am only slightly more interested in visiting such an institution than I am in visiting hospitals. I knew a lot of guys who should have been, or possibly now are, there. I just don't have sympathy. I decided (or got a bit lucky) not to cross that line, or often enough and deeply enough, to be unquestionably invited into that club. No, I don't really want to go, I am simply called. When you let God in, you never know where you might end up. Who would have thought that by loving and obeying God I might end up going to prison! Well, or trying to? Yeah, now that is funny. At least in this case.
What a wuss?
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No sleep until sometime this morning. And I never really could sleep deeply. The heat isn't cloying and choking, bitter and blistering. It is simply 'there'. I am, oddly, finally relatively comfortable in it, if too I cannot really sleep when I want. Then again, and as well, when I do sleep it is refreshing rather than restive. I only complain about not being able to fall asleep on my schedule and needing cat naps more often either because of the sleep disruption or the sapping of strength the heat causes. Yeah, a wuss perhaps. But never mind, suffering isn't all that bad of a thing to be honest, and this is suffering of the cream puff varietal.
I received a call today, and almost didn't answer it. I was still in my near sleep state. The phone usually wakes me, if my sleep is solid and has been on schedule. Otherwise, like now, the ringing of the phone can seem unreal or distant and sometimes it simply can't be heard. I have an appointment next Friday with one of the Fathers. It only took two years. I guess that beats the ten years it took me to drag my carcass into the Church in the first place. He likes mornings so I opted for a solid morning slot. I will just be there, like I am to the doctor. I would far rather save my soul than my flesh, I'll tell you that right now. Doing both might be a bit better. Well, you can't really save your flesh. You can only tend it and only within reason. You, too, can't save your soul. Someone has already done that, all you have to do is figure out what accepting that salvation means. Never mind.
Something I just saw being argued struck a particular cord. The notion that suffering is not just a curse that accompanies salvation, a thing to bear or gift to God as one's perhaps only tithe, or some other simpler notions. While those are quite good, in their own rights, and to degrees, I think the speaker quite well put another, perhaps THE real reason, for suffering. Suffering, as he saw it, was a means of knowing pain, so that when we see it in others we react to it. It is a call to do God's work, right here, in our lives, in our times. Beautiful. Yes.
The next time someone asks me how God can allow such suffering, I will merely, before going on to explain more, ask how God could NOT allow such suffering. Why would God put an end to such things, while also suggesting that it isn't God who creates it, He merely allows us to choose it. Oh yes, I think that was a missing piece in my puzzle. I know great suffering, of many kinds. And I think, now that I see it, that pain has been a calling. If too I am having to stumble over it to get to what it calls me toward. It's almost funny, when seen that way. Again, never mind. I certainly have my own weird little way of seeing things and a darker humor than many.
Well, on to something. It is, again, a bit warm for jumping and shouting. As things cool, and since I am doing better, if I have any strength remaining from the heat I hope to use today to get to some cleaning. My mother will be here in a few weeks and I want her trip to be more pleasant than full, for both of our sakes. I would like to take her on a short day trip or two, into the mountains. A picnic or two. I will do the potato salad if she will do the chicken. I will pay for the gas if she sets up the basket. It should be cool enough when she arrives to enjoy the world hereabouts. And I don't want her working so hard that she is too tired to want to go. And she likes to work hard. It will be a bit of a trick.
Have a great day. Say a little prayer for those who are too into their suffering to enjoy life (not me, by the way), for those who think they are too strong to need prayer, and for your enemies.
.
No sleep until sometime this morning. And I never really could sleep deeply. The heat isn't cloying and choking, bitter and blistering. It is simply 'there'. I am, oddly, finally relatively comfortable in it, if too I cannot really sleep when I want. Then again, and as well, when I do sleep it is refreshing rather than restive. I only complain about not being able to fall asleep on my schedule and needing cat naps more often either because of the sleep disruption or the sapping of strength the heat causes. Yeah, a wuss perhaps. But never mind, suffering isn't all that bad of a thing to be honest, and this is suffering of the cream puff varietal.
I received a call today, and almost didn't answer it. I was still in my near sleep state. The phone usually wakes me, if my sleep is solid and has been on schedule. Otherwise, like now, the ringing of the phone can seem unreal or distant and sometimes it simply can't be heard. I have an appointment next Friday with one of the Fathers. It only took two years. I guess that beats the ten years it took me to drag my carcass into the Church in the first place. He likes mornings so I opted for a solid morning slot. I will just be there, like I am to the doctor. I would far rather save my soul than my flesh, I'll tell you that right now. Doing both might be a bit better. Well, you can't really save your flesh. You can only tend it and only within reason. You, too, can't save your soul. Someone has already done that, all you have to do is figure out what accepting that salvation means. Never mind.
Something I just saw being argued struck a particular cord. The notion that suffering is not just a curse that accompanies salvation, a thing to bear or gift to God as one's perhaps only tithe, or some other simpler notions. While those are quite good, in their own rights, and to degrees, I think the speaker quite well put another, perhaps THE real reason, for suffering. Suffering, as he saw it, was a means of knowing pain, so that when we see it in others we react to it. It is a call to do God's work, right here, in our lives, in our times. Beautiful. Yes.
The next time someone asks me how God can allow such suffering, I will merely, before going on to explain more, ask how God could NOT allow such suffering. Why would God put an end to such things, while also suggesting that it isn't God who creates it, He merely allows us to choose it. Oh yes, I think that was a missing piece in my puzzle. I know great suffering, of many kinds. And I think, now that I see it, that pain has been a calling. If too I am having to stumble over it to get to what it calls me toward. It's almost funny, when seen that way. Again, never mind. I certainly have my own weird little way of seeing things and a darker humor than many.
Well, on to something. It is, again, a bit warm for jumping and shouting. As things cool, and since I am doing better, if I have any strength remaining from the heat I hope to use today to get to some cleaning. My mother will be here in a few weeks and I want her trip to be more pleasant than full, for both of our sakes. I would like to take her on a short day trip or two, into the mountains. A picnic or two. I will do the potato salad if she will do the chicken. I will pay for the gas if she sets up the basket. It should be cool enough when she arrives to enjoy the world hereabouts. And I don't want her working so hard that she is too tired to want to go. And she likes to work hard. It will be a bit of a trick.
Have a great day. Say a little prayer for those who are too into their suffering to enjoy life (not me, by the way), for those who think they are too strong to need prayer, and for your enemies.
Boehner?
.
.
I've got to admit to have my ups and downs regarding the Speaker. While I am patently disappointed in the results of many negotiations, my pragmatism leads me to believe that what happened probably was as good as it could get. Not simply because of the Senate and prez, but also because most Republicans are still status quo type of politicians. Move little, move slowly, do little, seems to be the main thing for which they strive. And, there is something to be said for that. Though that is also how we get robbed and bankrupted. Still, it is and almost always has been the Republican way. Perhaps Civil War guilt (and rightly)?
However, as the Speaker, he has been a fantastic speaker. He has encouraged the young guns. He has let them have their say. He hasn't threatened, shoved, or more than sought agreements. Unlike the last dictatorship type Speaker, he is running an open, honest, aboveboard, clean show. Is it just a show? Honestly I don't think so. He could easily do exactly what Pelosi did, turn down even the allowance of votes on some things or amendments, or even debate. Even when my side is in power, that is not how I like to see things done.
I think the guy is getting a bad rap. If we want to throw him out, we best make sure we have a libertarian conservative to replace him. Both in his state seat and in the speakership. I don't mind if someone like Rand became the speaker, so long as he played fair with the whole conservative caucus. And, I am not a Libertarian. I am merely, now, more like a conservative libertarian. I think we could do a lot worse than Speaker Boehner. And I doubt if we could have done better in the negotiations. The other option was to not negotiate an inch and not to have a budget, creating even greater uncertainty. Politically, economically perhaps, that would have been suicide.
We are on a perilous path. But demanding we simply jump blindly, or simply end spending somehow, is not rational either. Without hope and faith there can be no charity. We have been hoping, for sanity, for a long time. But now we have to hope for a bit more time to get people in power who can make the correct calls. We don't have to like it but the options really would have been worse.
That's all I am saying. Be careful what you wish for. I think some of the naysayers simply want to see total destruction. I think some of those who despise what passes for the legislative process seem more autocratic than those they oppose. Believe what you wish, but believing does not make it true. So, here is the Speaker Boehner. But... cut the tears. That is terribly unbecoming. Then again, when you reach certain levers of power, perhaps it is your party and you really can cry if you want to? Bah!
.
I've got to admit to have my ups and downs regarding the Speaker. While I am patently disappointed in the results of many negotiations, my pragmatism leads me to believe that what happened probably was as good as it could get. Not simply because of the Senate and prez, but also because most Republicans are still status quo type of politicians. Move little, move slowly, do little, seems to be the main thing for which they strive. And, there is something to be said for that. Though that is also how we get robbed and bankrupted. Still, it is and almost always has been the Republican way. Perhaps Civil War guilt (and rightly)?
However, as the Speaker, he has been a fantastic speaker. He has encouraged the young guns. He has let them have their say. He hasn't threatened, shoved, or more than sought agreements. Unlike the last dictatorship type Speaker, he is running an open, honest, aboveboard, clean show. Is it just a show? Honestly I don't think so. He could easily do exactly what Pelosi did, turn down even the allowance of votes on some things or amendments, or even debate. Even when my side is in power, that is not how I like to see things done.
I think the guy is getting a bad rap. If we want to throw him out, we best make sure we have a libertarian conservative to replace him. Both in his state seat and in the speakership. I don't mind if someone like Rand became the speaker, so long as he played fair with the whole conservative caucus. And, I am not a Libertarian. I am merely, now, more like a conservative libertarian. I think we could do a lot worse than Speaker Boehner. And I doubt if we could have done better in the negotiations. The other option was to not negotiate an inch and not to have a budget, creating even greater uncertainty. Politically, economically perhaps, that would have been suicide.
We are on a perilous path. But demanding we simply jump blindly, or simply end spending somehow, is not rational either. Without hope and faith there can be no charity. We have been hoping, for sanity, for a long time. But now we have to hope for a bit more time to get people in power who can make the correct calls. We don't have to like it but the options really would have been worse.
That's all I am saying. Be careful what you wish for. I think some of the naysayers simply want to see total destruction. I think some of those who despise what passes for the legislative process seem more autocratic than those they oppose. Believe what you wish, but believing does not make it true. So, here is the Speaker Boehner. But... cut the tears. That is terribly unbecoming. Then again, when you reach certain levers of power, perhaps it is your party and you really can cry if you want to? Bah!
Bah!
.
.
I tried to sleep. I gave it a good hour or so. No sleep was to be had. While getting out of bed I decided to check the thermometers. As I suspected, I heated the rest of the house to 80 F. That thermometer reads to 82 F, the one in my bedroom only reads to 80. The one in my bedroom not only shows that it is 80, but well over 80. Yes, I heat my home quite a bit. On the good side, the fans seem to be working just fine. They, like me, just needed a little break.
While frustrating, at least I am feeling good and am otherwise content of mind and spirit. I have much to do, or try to do, before my mother arrives. I have other things I need to do or am in the middle of planning for seemingly a dozen other causes. And I can't sleep nor afford a window air conditioner, let alone central air. One thing at a time and sticking to doing what I can when I can and how I can is the thing.
I continue reading Chesterton. The thing that is baffling is, how such a widely read author saw the horrors of the potential of liberalism (it had already become a monstrous parody of what liberalism was ever supposed to be) that the march into what we have today continued, unabated. They saw it coming, they knew it was coming, they knew they could defeat it if they tried, and they knew how. Yet, here we are. Liberals, to be absolutely honest, are not the cleverest of people. I have to think they have been granted some measure of power, much like women, merely to ensure that they have no power. Now, of course, the planes of flesh are under Satan's dominion at this point. But, who are the intermediaries? Who are the ones, unlike Christ, who chose to rule? It certainly isn't presidents and prime ministers. They have no real power. Nor does congress or the senate. It isn't exactly the rich, or more super rich. It obviously is not the poor. I might have, at one time, actually guessed that it was what is left, the middle class. I simply cannot be sure. What bothers me is, if they knew then what we live now, and could not stop it or even really slow it, what chance do we have currently? I might have to wonder that the financial instability is a thing designed to do what no other technique will, to bankrupt modern liberalism. As I recall, that is what happened to the U.S.S.R.
Just... thinking. Later or good night.
.
I tried to sleep. I gave it a good hour or so. No sleep was to be had. While getting out of bed I decided to check the thermometers. As I suspected, I heated the rest of the house to 80 F. That thermometer reads to 82 F, the one in my bedroom only reads to 80. The one in my bedroom not only shows that it is 80, but well over 80. Yes, I heat my home quite a bit. On the good side, the fans seem to be working just fine. They, like me, just needed a little break.
While frustrating, at least I am feeling good and am otherwise content of mind and spirit. I have much to do, or try to do, before my mother arrives. I have other things I need to do or am in the middle of planning for seemingly a dozen other causes. And I can't sleep nor afford a window air conditioner, let alone central air. One thing at a time and sticking to doing what I can when I can and how I can is the thing.
I continue reading Chesterton. The thing that is baffling is, how such a widely read author saw the horrors of the potential of liberalism (it had already become a monstrous parody of what liberalism was ever supposed to be) that the march into what we have today continued, unabated. They saw it coming, they knew it was coming, they knew they could defeat it if they tried, and they knew how. Yet, here we are. Liberals, to be absolutely honest, are not the cleverest of people. I have to think they have been granted some measure of power, much like women, merely to ensure that they have no power. Now, of course, the planes of flesh are under Satan's dominion at this point. But, who are the intermediaries? Who are the ones, unlike Christ, who chose to rule? It certainly isn't presidents and prime ministers. They have no real power. Nor does congress or the senate. It isn't exactly the rich, or more super rich. It obviously is not the poor. I might have, at one time, actually guessed that it was what is left, the middle class. I simply cannot be sure. What bothers me is, if they knew then what we live now, and could not stop it or even really slow it, what chance do we have currently? I might have to wonder that the financial instability is a thing designed to do what no other technique will, to bankrupt modern liberalism. As I recall, that is what happened to the U.S.S.R.
Just... thinking. Later or good night.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
It's still warm.
.
.
There just isn't a way to get away from the heat. Something I need to do to create a sleep pattern. Still, a bit of effort might go into it. I had to turn my fans off yesterday, as something smelled like heated plastic or electric. I will be opening the windows and turning on the fans shortly, hoping they still work and I don't smell that smell. Sure, I could buy more fans, but money is a bit pinched, my mother is coming in before long, so it simply isn't a good time for failure. I may purchase one more fan, assuming the other two do work, so that I can alternate fans a bit. They have been running nearly non-stop the last few weeks, with only a few days off when I had travel plans.
I am hoping to get back into town tomorrow. I prefer to be into town earlier, while it is still cooler. A bit of bank business, a bit of tax business, and maybe some ice. It's the little things, like an occasional iced drink, that helps. I could make ice, but I don't seem to track well enough to keep that much on hand. Yeah, cry me a river and all. But I really can't stay on top of what I have to do, so adding wants in either fails or ends up replacing a need.
A bit more goofing while the fans do their job, then some sleep. Good night.
.
There just isn't a way to get away from the heat. Something I need to do to create a sleep pattern. Still, a bit of effort might go into it. I had to turn my fans off yesterday, as something smelled like heated plastic or electric. I will be opening the windows and turning on the fans shortly, hoping they still work and I don't smell that smell. Sure, I could buy more fans, but money is a bit pinched, my mother is coming in before long, so it simply isn't a good time for failure. I may purchase one more fan, assuming the other two do work, so that I can alternate fans a bit. They have been running nearly non-stop the last few weeks, with only a few days off when I had travel plans.
I am hoping to get back into town tomorrow. I prefer to be into town earlier, while it is still cooler. A bit of bank business, a bit of tax business, and maybe some ice. It's the little things, like an occasional iced drink, that helps. I could make ice, but I don't seem to track well enough to keep that much on hand. Yeah, cry me a river and all. But I really can't stay on top of what I have to do, so adding wants in either fails or ends up replacing a need.
A bit more goofing while the fans do their job, then some sleep. Good night.
After lunch.
.
.
Well, after lunch, I decided to finally find the Church and begin getting something going. Father was not in, but the secretary suggested someone would be in tomorrow to arrange an office visit. I asked, too, about becoming a help to whoever pastors to the prisoners. She suggested that there was quite a review process by which the state decides if I am worthy of such trust. Given how difficult I have found purchasing a gun to be, this might be a bit of work. And yet, I am called to either work in the hospitals or the prisons, but I have seen the inside of hospitals, and still do, so that I don't want to do that. And I don't want to do that really BAD! In any case, perhaps something will be on track regarding that.
I did suggest that I might well be dieing. That making contact was vital. That being on time, for Mass and for the Sacrament of Reconciliation has proven difficult. Remember, I am usually a half our to three hours late even when visiting my friend. Things I want to do are not always possible, and I have other... difficulties here. But I do need this. Once you have tasted of the Flesh of Christ, you will never question it. That's... all I am saying. And I am starving for it. Some might say it is akin to the Borg. If so, think about who the Chief Borg, in this case, is. Would you not wish to be so escalated as to be in such close communion with Him? I do. I do. Even if I have to forgo my ego and bow. I do.
I then called my friend. I thought he must have called the other night. I don't know if I was napping or the phone was in another room so that I didn't hear it. And I wasn't sure it was him anyway. It turns out it was. He had hoped I would drive in, at 22:00 and bring him a meal. I think I need to discuss things with him, anyway. I will do so, but it needs to be arranged. I probably won't, possibly can't, just get up and go at any time I wish. Not even for myself do I have this kind of will. But, if he wants me to come in Wednesday nights, for example, at 20:00 to 22:00, with a meal, I can do that. That is about as good as it gets. And, I can plan shopping around it. But I can't just make a special trip with no other purpose, if for gas money alone but that isn't even the main problem.
I then filled the tank and washed the bugs off. Yeck! Nasty things this time of year, anyway. But all in all, I think I did quite well. The temp said 102, but I think that was lowballing it. When I got home I checked the thermometers inside. The one in the bedroom (south facing side of the house) read over 80 F (80 is as high as it goes). The one in the kitchen read 76 F. Not bad, really. At a minimum, the main of the house remains at least 26 F cooler than the outside. Not bad, but still not all that good. I also noticed, when I come out of the oven and into the house, I raise the temp in the house a great deal. I R a Cookstove, summer or winter. I will probably bring the kitchen therm up to 80 F.
Well, on to something or... just as likely... nothing. Later.
.
Well, after lunch, I decided to finally find the Church and begin getting something going. Father was not in, but the secretary suggested someone would be in tomorrow to arrange an office visit. I asked, too, about becoming a help to whoever pastors to the prisoners. She suggested that there was quite a review process by which the state decides if I am worthy of such trust. Given how difficult I have found purchasing a gun to be, this might be a bit of work. And yet, I am called to either work in the hospitals or the prisons, but I have seen the inside of hospitals, and still do, so that I don't want to do that. And I don't want to do that really BAD! In any case, perhaps something will be on track regarding that.
I did suggest that I might well be dieing. That making contact was vital. That being on time, for Mass and for the Sacrament of Reconciliation has proven difficult. Remember, I am usually a half our to three hours late even when visiting my friend. Things I want to do are not always possible, and I have other... difficulties here. But I do need this. Once you have tasted of the Flesh of Christ, you will never question it. That's... all I am saying. And I am starving for it. Some might say it is akin to the Borg. If so, think about who the Chief Borg, in this case, is. Would you not wish to be so escalated as to be in such close communion with Him? I do. I do. Even if I have to forgo my ego and bow. I do.
I then called my friend. I thought he must have called the other night. I don't know if I was napping or the phone was in another room so that I didn't hear it. And I wasn't sure it was him anyway. It turns out it was. He had hoped I would drive in, at 22:00 and bring him a meal. I think I need to discuss things with him, anyway. I will do so, but it needs to be arranged. I probably won't, possibly can't, just get up and go at any time I wish. Not even for myself do I have this kind of will. But, if he wants me to come in Wednesday nights, for example, at 20:00 to 22:00, with a meal, I can do that. That is about as good as it gets. And, I can plan shopping around it. But I can't just make a special trip with no other purpose, if for gas money alone but that isn't even the main problem.
I then filled the tank and washed the bugs off. Yeck! Nasty things this time of year, anyway. But all in all, I think I did quite well. The temp said 102, but I think that was lowballing it. When I got home I checked the thermometers inside. The one in the bedroom (south facing side of the house) read over 80 F (80 is as high as it goes). The one in the kitchen read 76 F. Not bad, really. At a minimum, the main of the house remains at least 26 F cooler than the outside. Not bad, but still not all that good. I also noticed, when I come out of the oven and into the house, I raise the temp in the house a great deal. I R a Cookstove, summer or winter. I will probably bring the kitchen therm up to 80 F.
Well, on to something or... just as likely... nothing. Later.
Okay, a few things actually done.
.
.
I made it to lunch, if just barely. Being rather warm all through the night, and for whatever reason never quite cooling overnight, I didn't get back to bed until 7:30. I have been napping and sleeping a good deal though, so with a little effort I was able to push through the grim veil and hard grip of the death slumber. I couldn't get a shave in, but I did shower and otherwise appoint myself properly for public access.
Pizza was good. At $34, before tip, $42 after, I think it came out well. We even each had our own meals, not a shared pizza as I had first thought. And, we talked. This time without our various bibles or books, for the most part. While I am not quite an apologist, I know more than your average barn animal, and quite often more than your average weekly Church-goer. Many of which seem to think going to Church negates their need to know anything about it. Albeit, I have time. Many people, honestly, have little time and less energy when the world is through having them earn their keep and feed. Rich or poor, the world drags what it can out of you. In my case, it merely took it out of me like a lump sum tax for life or something.
We talked about many issues. One of the young men asked me point blank what my problem with the Mormon faith is. And the three which stick in my craw the most, if not the strongest for the case by some standards I suppose, is the meeting of God and Jesus by their originator. While my near death experience might really have been mere oxygen deprivation, I don't personally believe that (given to that I also don't put a lot of weight in personal beliefs, not even mine). Everything is 'on balance'. On balance, I do believe I was there, possibly purgatory, perhaps just a place for souls who have prematurely left the body, perhaps awaiting judgment. What I do know is that the next thing that was going to happen, soon or late, was that I was going to see God. I also knew that when that happened, even as a bodiless soul, I was never going to be the same. Just being there changed me. I absolutely believe that to look upon the face of God would destroy unperfected flesh. One might as well wander into the sun. I might even say a human has a better chance of dancing on the face of the sun naked than seeing the face of God and living, by infinite orders of magnitudes of ease.
Another thing was that no non-Mormon ever saw the golden tablets. Hitler sent people after the arc, the spear of destiny, and other artifacts. He never sent, nor even considered looking for, the golden tablets. I simply cannot believe that such relics would be lost. And, while I have heard of people being taken up to be with God, I have never heard of him ever taking physical objects to heaven. He has no need of such things. As well, though I didn't mention this, I know some of the witnesses have recanted, re-witnessed, and went back and forth on the issue. I did not see this with the disciples, save when Christ prophesied. Or did He make it happen? No, no, He didn't. God won't lead us to sin, and I have to think denying your Lord and Savior would be a sin. I think He merely forgave them, in advance, so that they would not then lead a life of shame and be bound by the sin He knew they would commit. Yes, something like that.
The final problem I discussed was the fact that I could not believe that God would build the Church and then let it disappear for two thousand years. Christ went into Sheol (or Hades) to bring out the souls of those prophets and holy people who had died waiting for Christ. He did not go into Gehenna, however, to bring out the souls of the damned. When Christ did that, he did it once and for all. When he comes again, He will not die again to bring even more out of Sheol. Sheol is no more. He, when Jesus comes again, will come as the conqueror. Or at least not all in formal hell were brought out, of course. (Though I tend to think these were different places, for why would the holy suffer with the unrepentant while awaiting the prophesied Christ?
They had asked me about prophecy, and I told them that we (and I) believe Christ was the last prophet, as well as sacrifice, to come. They asked how I believed God could leave the Church to find it's own way. I suggested that the Holy Spirit remains. Though too, if I forgot to mention it as such conversations only have just so much room, and move so fluidly, the body and blood, together with the soul and divinity of Christ in the Eucharist also remains, and actually enters us and lives through us, aside from His own real presence at the Eucharist. My question to them was, if God saw the need for a prophet to yet lead, why would He let His Church disappear for two thousand years? Or even a few hundred, or whatever the number they give?
It was an interesting conversation. I do have, and will have more, questions. As do they. They, much like me, seem to be looking. They know their way, and to a degree, I know mine. It isn't contentious, to my knowledge or for my part. I was happy to know what bits I do and compare apples. Could I be wrong? Sure. Actually, I am positive I am wrong. On what I cannot be certain. We simply don't know it all, none of us. And, happily, heaven isn't based on academic understandings of exact passages and dogmas. It isn't based on the memorization of passages. These might be works, if carried out in a holy and faithful way, but they are not the keys.
What I look for in my search, my understandings, my reading, is the origins of the word dogma. It seems, through spirit, The Holy Spirit, logic, and such... to be right. That is as good as I can do for that part. Then to follow through with my faith. I AM a little man. I AM mortal. I AM wrong. Too, I am beloved and forgiven. Christ suggested, to love your God with all your heart, soul, and mind and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Others have suggested so much as that one IS the other for all intents and purposes. I'm... working on it. But He also suggested through Him, to the Father, and thus heaven. No other way is there.
.
I made it to lunch, if just barely. Being rather warm all through the night, and for whatever reason never quite cooling overnight, I didn't get back to bed until 7:30. I have been napping and sleeping a good deal though, so with a little effort I was able to push through the grim veil and hard grip of the death slumber. I couldn't get a shave in, but I did shower and otherwise appoint myself properly for public access.
Pizza was good. At $34, before tip, $42 after, I think it came out well. We even each had our own meals, not a shared pizza as I had first thought. And, we talked. This time without our various bibles or books, for the most part. While I am not quite an apologist, I know more than your average barn animal, and quite often more than your average weekly Church-goer. Many of which seem to think going to Church negates their need to know anything about it. Albeit, I have time. Many people, honestly, have little time and less energy when the world is through having them earn their keep and feed. Rich or poor, the world drags what it can out of you. In my case, it merely took it out of me like a lump sum tax for life or something.
We talked about many issues. One of the young men asked me point blank what my problem with the Mormon faith is. And the three which stick in my craw the most, if not the strongest for the case by some standards I suppose, is the meeting of God and Jesus by their originator. While my near death experience might really have been mere oxygen deprivation, I don't personally believe that (given to that I also don't put a lot of weight in personal beliefs, not even mine). Everything is 'on balance'. On balance, I do believe I was there, possibly purgatory, perhaps just a place for souls who have prematurely left the body, perhaps awaiting judgment. What I do know is that the next thing that was going to happen, soon or late, was that I was going to see God. I also knew that when that happened, even as a bodiless soul, I was never going to be the same. Just being there changed me. I absolutely believe that to look upon the face of God would destroy unperfected flesh. One might as well wander into the sun. I might even say a human has a better chance of dancing on the face of the sun naked than seeing the face of God and living, by infinite orders of magnitudes of ease.
Another thing was that no non-Mormon ever saw the golden tablets. Hitler sent people after the arc, the spear of destiny, and other artifacts. He never sent, nor even considered looking for, the golden tablets. I simply cannot believe that such relics would be lost. And, while I have heard of people being taken up to be with God, I have never heard of him ever taking physical objects to heaven. He has no need of such things. As well, though I didn't mention this, I know some of the witnesses have recanted, re-witnessed, and went back and forth on the issue. I did not see this with the disciples, save when Christ prophesied. Or did He make it happen? No, no, He didn't. God won't lead us to sin, and I have to think denying your Lord and Savior would be a sin. I think He merely forgave them, in advance, so that they would not then lead a life of shame and be bound by the sin He knew they would commit. Yes, something like that.
The final problem I discussed was the fact that I could not believe that God would build the Church and then let it disappear for two thousand years. Christ went into Sheol (or Hades) to bring out the souls of those prophets and holy people who had died waiting for Christ. He did not go into Gehenna, however, to bring out the souls of the damned. When Christ did that, he did it once and for all. When he comes again, He will not die again to bring even more out of Sheol. Sheol is no more. He, when Jesus comes again, will come as the conqueror. Or at least not all in formal hell were brought out, of course. (Though I tend to think these were different places, for why would the holy suffer with the unrepentant while awaiting the prophesied Christ?
They had asked me about prophecy, and I told them that we (and I) believe Christ was the last prophet, as well as sacrifice, to come. They asked how I believed God could leave the Church to find it's own way. I suggested that the Holy Spirit remains. Though too, if I forgot to mention it as such conversations only have just so much room, and move so fluidly, the body and blood, together with the soul and divinity of Christ in the Eucharist also remains, and actually enters us and lives through us, aside from His own real presence at the Eucharist. My question to them was, if God saw the need for a prophet to yet lead, why would He let His Church disappear for two thousand years? Or even a few hundred, or whatever the number they give?
It was an interesting conversation. I do have, and will have more, questions. As do they. They, much like me, seem to be looking. They know their way, and to a degree, I know mine. It isn't contentious, to my knowledge or for my part. I was happy to know what bits I do and compare apples. Could I be wrong? Sure. Actually, I am positive I am wrong. On what I cannot be certain. We simply don't know it all, none of us. And, happily, heaven isn't based on academic understandings of exact passages and dogmas. It isn't based on the memorization of passages. These might be works, if carried out in a holy and faithful way, but they are not the keys.
What I look for in my search, my understandings, my reading, is the origins of the word dogma. It seems, through spirit, The Holy Spirit, logic, and such... to be right. That is as good as I can do for that part. Then to follow through with my faith. I AM a little man. I AM mortal. I AM wrong. Too, I am beloved and forgiven. Christ suggested, to love your God with all your heart, soul, and mind and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Others have suggested so much as that one IS the other for all intents and purposes. I'm... working on it. But He also suggested through Him, to the Father, and thus heaven. No other way is there.
It really is the little things.
.
.
The trip to town was a success. As simple as that seems, for the last few days, driving, and then getting out of my vehicle, walking through a store, then putting groceries away once I returned home would have been more than I could take. Dizziness, weakness, feverishness, and other things came and went. It seems like such a little thing, until you can't do it. Not only am I feeling good, doing those little things never once gave me a hiccup. Driving, walking, decision making, loading the vehicle, unloading, not even putting it all away. And I tossed a meal in there as well. I just put the milk and other cold needing items in the fridge or freezer fast, then ate before putting the rest of it away. That is a trick I have rarely been able to do in the past, something about once I was seated, getting up and going again wasn't possible. Life is getting better.
On the way home, long after the sun set, on the flashing signs, I did notice that it was still 81 F. I am seriously suspicious that heat played somewhat of a large role in my incapacity. The days should be shortening and it is cooling much more at night, if not until later. And, for whatever reason, I seem to be tolerating the heat better. If there is any way I can get central air, I think I will go for it. It is cheaper than window units, which would be even more ridiculous in this home due to how it is set up. And, actually, I am suspicious that it might actually be cheaper than fans running 24 hours a day, big fans, all day.
Tomorrow I have a lunch with the Mormon elders who visit. Pizza it is. Usually I prefer to make a steak and potato dinner, tossing in a salad if that has usually only been used as decoration. When I serve steak, it is at least a pound and comes with a big potato, butter, sour cream, and whole milk. Vegetables of any sort seem... sickly... beside such a feast. There is a time for vegetables, but if I have the option it wouldn't be meal time. :p But since I haven't been able to keep my home up, I decided to take them out. Actually, pizza might be cheaper, if that isn't truly the idea, or even something I thought about until just now. Steak is anywhere from $5 to $10 a pound. On average, three steaks would be $22.50, then potatoes and cream, add in a half gallon of milk (or more), and the salad greens (even if just for decoration) and you are looking at $30 to $40 (which isn't bad for a three steak meal, truly good potatoes, and a proper mixed green salad, mind you). My favored steak restaurants run that for one meal, or more, and often before tax, tip, or gas to get there. I prefer offering home cooking, I just am not up to it currently.
Ah well. Hmm, those books should be in. I've been dragging out the book I am reading until they arrive. The great thing is I can more study the book than feel like I am being rushed through it. I look things up, from people he discusses, businesses of his day, words and phrases that aren't exactly in common usage today, and I try to angle what he is saying rather than just reading words. Then again, I may continue this method of reading. It slows things down terribly, as after I have an understanding of something(s), I want to reread the passage so as to get the full picture of what I think he is or is really trying to say. His writing is dense with notions, allusions, characterizations, and such and I realize that missing a drop of it is like leaving a little bit of gold in a gold mine just sitting around. Both are worth the bother of a little more work.
Good night.
.
The trip to town was a success. As simple as that seems, for the last few days, driving, and then getting out of my vehicle, walking through a store, then putting groceries away once I returned home would have been more than I could take. Dizziness, weakness, feverishness, and other things came and went. It seems like such a little thing, until you can't do it. Not only am I feeling good, doing those little things never once gave me a hiccup. Driving, walking, decision making, loading the vehicle, unloading, not even putting it all away. And I tossed a meal in there as well. I just put the milk and other cold needing items in the fridge or freezer fast, then ate before putting the rest of it away. That is a trick I have rarely been able to do in the past, something about once I was seated, getting up and going again wasn't possible. Life is getting better.
On the way home, long after the sun set, on the flashing signs, I did notice that it was still 81 F. I am seriously suspicious that heat played somewhat of a large role in my incapacity. The days should be shortening and it is cooling much more at night, if not until later. And, for whatever reason, I seem to be tolerating the heat better. If there is any way I can get central air, I think I will go for it. It is cheaper than window units, which would be even more ridiculous in this home due to how it is set up. And, actually, I am suspicious that it might actually be cheaper than fans running 24 hours a day, big fans, all day.
Tomorrow I have a lunch with the Mormon elders who visit. Pizza it is. Usually I prefer to make a steak and potato dinner, tossing in a salad if that has usually only been used as decoration. When I serve steak, it is at least a pound and comes with a big potato, butter, sour cream, and whole milk. Vegetables of any sort seem... sickly... beside such a feast. There is a time for vegetables, but if I have the option it wouldn't be meal time. :p But since I haven't been able to keep my home up, I decided to take them out. Actually, pizza might be cheaper, if that isn't truly the idea, or even something I thought about until just now. Steak is anywhere from $5 to $10 a pound. On average, three steaks would be $22.50, then potatoes and cream, add in a half gallon of milk (or more), and the salad greens (even if just for decoration) and you are looking at $30 to $40 (which isn't bad for a three steak meal, truly good potatoes, and a proper mixed green salad, mind you). My favored steak restaurants run that for one meal, or more, and often before tax, tip, or gas to get there. I prefer offering home cooking, I just am not up to it currently.
Ah well. Hmm, those books should be in. I've been dragging out the book I am reading until they arrive. The great thing is I can more study the book than feel like I am being rushed through it. I look things up, from people he discusses, businesses of his day, words and phrases that aren't exactly in common usage today, and I try to angle what he is saying rather than just reading words. Then again, I may continue this method of reading. It slows things down terribly, as after I have an understanding of something(s), I want to reread the passage so as to get the full picture of what I think he is or is really trying to say. His writing is dense with notions, allusions, characterizations, and such and I realize that missing a drop of it is like leaving a little bit of gold in a gold mine just sitting around. Both are worth the bother of a little more work.
Good night.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ah ha!
.
.
I was still having problems with the bank site. After tinkering around trying to figure out whether it was No-Script, FireFox, or Microsoft (or some combination) that was making it so the long-in window was inaccessible, I finally found a workaround. The problem is, the page saying the site was untrusted was shoved into a tiny window and I had no means of resizing to tell the machine to unblock it! ARGHHHhhhhH! Finally, after tinkering with the mouse buttons as if in a first person shooter, I noticed one of the lines suggest something about opening the window in a new tab. Hmm, couldn't hurt, right? Probably. Who knew? So, *click* and... there she was... permission rights. I granted those and on into my bank account I went.
Well, it does look like I just spent a lot this month. I looked over things and, yep, there was that. Oh, and this. And... my! I spent like a drunk sailor this month. But too, plane tickets were on there. I suspect, with my mother showing up next month, I will be broke and more again. If I thought I was bad, throw a woman into the mix and I might end up down $10k somehow. Yeah, women know how to do that, then they look at us like we are stupid or something. hehehe Got to admit, that is classic.
I then went to my other account, put just enough for groceries on the debit side. I have enough in coin and small bills to smooth over my mother's visit. It's going to be a squeaker though. One of the things I am hoping to do while she is here is replace the ground floor spare bedroom window (and I might try to do that before she gets here, if I can figure it all out) and then there is the two day stop in SLC. Rooms close enough start at around $180 for two nights. So, money money money and she isn't even here yet! But that's okay. I actually wish I had a little more, and some to send her home with. Hmm, she knows that will be her room should she ever decide to split time between my brother and my house, at least until she could find a little place of her own. She has thought about us two working on the thing, changing the window out that is. But I am not seeing that. Buying windows as a non-contractor cost almost as much as simply having a window installed. *sigh*
I may run into town and do some shopping. I am not only hungry, I am darned hungry. Plus a bit of food on the way back. So be it. Oh, if you think you are into logic, social understanding, finances, and are more or less on the traditional or conservative or libertarian side of things, I cannot suggest enough that you read "What's Wrong With the World" by G.H. Chesterton. He'll clobber you when you don't even see it coming and open up whole new vistas through which to watch the world burn. And don't think you will get off light, if he is rather gentle about his psychic punishments.
I best get going if I want to get good groceries. Good night, or... later most likely. Those naps are throwing things off a bit. Bleh.
.
I was still having problems with the bank site. After tinkering around trying to figure out whether it was No-Script, FireFox, or Microsoft (or some combination) that was making it so the long-in window was inaccessible, I finally found a workaround. The problem is, the page saying the site was untrusted was shoved into a tiny window and I had no means of resizing to tell the machine to unblock it! ARGHHHhhhhH! Finally, after tinkering with the mouse buttons as if in a first person shooter, I noticed one of the lines suggest something about opening the window in a new tab. Hmm, couldn't hurt, right? Probably. Who knew? So, *click* and... there she was... permission rights. I granted those and on into my bank account I went.
Well, it does look like I just spent a lot this month. I looked over things and, yep, there was that. Oh, and this. And... my! I spent like a drunk sailor this month. But too, plane tickets were on there. I suspect, with my mother showing up next month, I will be broke and more again. If I thought I was bad, throw a woman into the mix and I might end up down $10k somehow. Yeah, women know how to do that, then they look at us like we are stupid or something. hehehe Got to admit, that is classic.
I then went to my other account, put just enough for groceries on the debit side. I have enough in coin and small bills to smooth over my mother's visit. It's going to be a squeaker though. One of the things I am hoping to do while she is here is replace the ground floor spare bedroom window (and I might try to do that before she gets here, if I can figure it all out) and then there is the two day stop in SLC. Rooms close enough start at around $180 for two nights. So, money money money and she isn't even here yet! But that's okay. I actually wish I had a little more, and some to send her home with. Hmm, she knows that will be her room should she ever decide to split time between my brother and my house, at least until she could find a little place of her own. She has thought about us two working on the thing, changing the window out that is. But I am not seeing that. Buying windows as a non-contractor cost almost as much as simply having a window installed. *sigh*
I may run into town and do some shopping. I am not only hungry, I am darned hungry. Plus a bit of food on the way back. So be it. Oh, if you think you are into logic, social understanding, finances, and are more or less on the traditional or conservative or libertarian side of things, I cannot suggest enough that you read "What's Wrong With the World" by G.H. Chesterton. He'll clobber you when you don't even see it coming and open up whole new vistas through which to watch the world burn. And don't think you will get off light, if he is rather gentle about his psychic punishments.
I best get going if I want to get good groceries. Good night, or... later most likely. Those naps are throwing things off a bit. Bleh.
Nap time?
.
.
Yes, always. Lots of naps. On the good side I am feeling much better. Whether my problem was doing too much too fast, the medicine change, heat, or some combination of all of those, I seem to be over the physical discomfort part of it. Now to get back on the 'bike and ride', literally and figuratively. Well, or hike. Hiking was my goal this week, or put in Doom terms, in my next exercise cycle. I will probably begin next week. Two or three hikes, with the pack and a hat. I will take one jug of water but I will also be taking my water purifier and testing it on river water. Oh, trust me, I will know if it is working. I had a goulash gullet from drinking unfiltered river water when I fell in while white water rafting for several weeks. Never did get diarrhea or any of that other stuff though, just a sore throat, as if it had been burned.
It doesn't help to be very broke, though, either. I am not sure how I lost track of finances so quickly. There was the gas to SLC, the books, some tools, but I can't remember anything excessive. These would be normal play money things. Without access to online banking, which I need to remember to check shortly and see if it works now, it is difficult to know where I am tossing money down what holes. Of course, any time my bank seems to make it difficult for me to check my account, I wonder what they might be up to. No, I don't trust banks. Beside the number of little bankers who would steal if they got half a chance are the big bankers who would manipulate accounts. They have gambled fortunes away. They are in trouble, both as individuals and as institutions. Trust not the seemingly wealthy beggar. He'll kill you a lot faster than the obviously poor one will.
Chesterton does have some quite interesting notions regarding feminism, suffrage as he usually terms it. But never you mind, he also notes men's failings as well. And, yes, it's still a gas. Neither of the sex is terribly admirable, either in his or my eyes. However, there is a reason for tradition. There is a reason things are the way they are. And he explains, quite well, why men are on the losing end of this war. Something I don't think he realizes is that men are now fighting a two pronged war. The traditional battle against apron strings and the call of women's whiles and the surrendered women, who finally agree that men were right all along so much so that they wish to join us. On any occasion, a man can never know which of those two anarchists he is presented with, or whether both are present. Women speak so mildly as to not even be able to give up 'their hand' as it were, even while being unable to maintain a poker face or attitude. Bah! Not that I don't love the game in any case.
Hmm, more reading, another nap, some checking on finances, a longer sleep, then maybe something tomorrow. Oh, wait, I have promised pizza to 'the boys' tomorrow. Oh, I have a few dollars and this and that floating around. I can do that, and probably get a bit of groceries purchased, plus another tank of gas and the haircut. But it is just... so tight. I hate months like this. Later.
.
Yes, always. Lots of naps. On the good side I am feeling much better. Whether my problem was doing too much too fast, the medicine change, heat, or some combination of all of those, I seem to be over the physical discomfort part of it. Now to get back on the 'bike and ride', literally and figuratively. Well, or hike. Hiking was my goal this week, or put in Doom terms, in my next exercise cycle. I will probably begin next week. Two or three hikes, with the pack and a hat. I will take one jug of water but I will also be taking my water purifier and testing it on river water. Oh, trust me, I will know if it is working. I had a goulash gullet from drinking unfiltered river water when I fell in while white water rafting for several weeks. Never did get diarrhea or any of that other stuff though, just a sore throat, as if it had been burned.
It doesn't help to be very broke, though, either. I am not sure how I lost track of finances so quickly. There was the gas to SLC, the books, some tools, but I can't remember anything excessive. These would be normal play money things. Without access to online banking, which I need to remember to check shortly and see if it works now, it is difficult to know where I am tossing money down what holes. Of course, any time my bank seems to make it difficult for me to check my account, I wonder what they might be up to. No, I don't trust banks. Beside the number of little bankers who would steal if they got half a chance are the big bankers who would manipulate accounts. They have gambled fortunes away. They are in trouble, both as individuals and as institutions. Trust not the seemingly wealthy beggar. He'll kill you a lot faster than the obviously poor one will.
Chesterton does have some quite interesting notions regarding feminism, suffrage as he usually terms it. But never you mind, he also notes men's failings as well. And, yes, it's still a gas. Neither of the sex is terribly admirable, either in his or my eyes. However, there is a reason for tradition. There is a reason things are the way they are. And he explains, quite well, why men are on the losing end of this war. Something I don't think he realizes is that men are now fighting a two pronged war. The traditional battle against apron strings and the call of women's whiles and the surrendered women, who finally agree that men were right all along so much so that they wish to join us. On any occasion, a man can never know which of those two anarchists he is presented with, or whether both are present. Women speak so mildly as to not even be able to give up 'their hand' as it were, even while being unable to maintain a poker face or attitude. Bah! Not that I don't love the game in any case.
Hmm, more reading, another nap, some checking on finances, a longer sleep, then maybe something tomorrow. Oh, wait, I have promised pizza to 'the boys' tomorrow. Oh, I have a few dollars and this and that floating around. I can do that, and probably get a bit of groceries purchased, plus another tank of gas and the haircut. But it is just... so tight. I hate months like this. Later.
Why are women so very mean?
.
.
Even my bestest girlfriend ever, the second or third woman I proposed to, the nicest of the lot, would sneak up on me in the middle of bliss and try to kick me in the teeth. Well, I must say, with her, it was usually rightly though she would pick something that had nothing to do with anything. Actually, she usually picked something that didn't really hurt. I don't know if she was just rather more passive and timid than most women, slightly retarded (though when it comes to war women usually are, no offense, though some are good at this kind), or what. Still, she almost seemed to really kind of try. Most girlfriends and women I have known all have a flicker response sometimes. But as angry as women get, nothing is worse than the coldness they can suffocate you with. But women have found that I think 90% of their tears are fake (yes, even some of the "real tears" are still fake somehow). Being angry is exciting, heck, I even like it when they are cold because quite often they "don't want to talk to you". As long as you set the parameter at no throwing things and no hitting (spanking works here), then just enjoy the ride.
Can women get to me? Yes, but rather rarely. My last, since she technically rented the space first, and is a woman, would threaten to have me removed (in spite of asking me not to move). She did this enough, and as exhausted as I usually am it was a terrifying prospect. Finally, one day, under my own steam, I did move (to her utter horror and sadness). When I was finally able to get out I did. I just couldn't have that prospect hanging over my head, even after I figured out how to shush her about it. Now, I did get her to stop jabbering about forcing me out though. I suggested, due to my illness, and that she was abusive (not really, but she doesn't know crap), that I should have her moved out. She was the FRIENDLIEST pussy cat I have ever had, for about a week. Well, she did have a longer attention span than I do. Whatever. But you should have seen the look on her face when my suggestion sunk in. Oh, weened on a dill pickle indeed.
I don't play nice or fair with girls. I will elevate it, I will "Run away, run away!", I will sidetrack, I will use sex, I will do whatever works for me at the time, just like fighting. And, usually, women can't get me down. And, no, I don't mind if they try. I think the only time they can really get to me is when I am honestly wrong. So, after a lot of mistakes, I started trying to keep it right. Now, too, there is a difference between not getting the trash out on time and sleeping with all her friends, sisters, mother, and the neighbor-ladies. And since I have done both (well, no mothers), my guilt for the former isn't all that great. But it IS there.
I actually enjoy, if I have the time to deal with it, the hassles that women present. As a now bachelor, though I really would love to have a woman around, I am okay with not having it too. I suppose I am just a happy man. But I look fondly back on the good old days. My last, one of those I was true to, was one of my favorites, usually. Until she found my Achilles Heal and before I found out it was her's too. She was like playing with a hungry kitty. All teeth and claws and demand but no logic, balance, or such. While there was sometimes emotional blood, there was no foul. This last time I saw her, I think I opened her eyes. While we were "fighting", I suggested that not only did I enjoy our contentiousness, I cherished them. I had noticed she was near tears and thought to offer her some technique. I suggested she not take it personally and just enjoy it as if she was playing tug of war with a pet. Her grimace sort of left, and she looked up at me with wondering eyes. I just said, "Really really". I don't think she can, she likes the pain, most women do. But... I think she had a moment of understanding, then buried it as deeply as she could. heh (No sympathy here.)
Weird dreams of late, by the way. One was sort of like a cross between The Hills Have Eyes, a little milder and community based. I bought a house and moved into the area. The house was like a minor fortress. One group in particular was a gluttonous, sexually exciting and repulsive at the same somehow, group of vagabond beggars, thieves, and potentially killers. Before I knew who they were I had let them in. I offered food, as is my want, and realized what kind of trouble they were. The women were very wanton, but too would use that to any who might partake's great disadvantage as well as their own pleasure. I let them finish but offered no more nor did I accept any of their forward women, I saw trouble. I finally had to more or less verbally kick them out. I then locked everything up (imagine bars on the windows, a heavy gate (at the entrance and inside the home), and thick walls of heavy stone, like a keep or some monasteries, and then heard weird begging to be let in, which I just ignored for I knew there was no reason to let them back in and many reasons not to let them in.
Later, I was talking to the sheriff about the guy who used to own my 'new' old home. He was suggesting the guy was standoffish, paranoid about the locals, and disparaging him a goodly bit. So, I asked him if the old man/former owner was correct in his assessments. The sheriff just looked at me oddly and wouldn't speak. So I said, "In the name of Jesus Christ, was the old man correct". He tried not to speak but finally hissed a "Yes". I can't really remember where it went from there, but I did fine. I am pretty sure I didn't end up dead, having to kill anyone, or forced move (or flee) either. I sort of became the new "old man" and guardian for those in need. It was a creepy dream though. I loved it. Other dreams have been coming and going. Powerful seeming dreams. Nothing quite as elaborate, one involving my brother and myself becoming friends again. Which is great, I can't remember my dreams since... some time back. I enjoy dreams, just for entertainment, save a few dreams. But I haven't remembered those in... years now, or many months anyway.
I am not at all sure what to do today. It seems I am much more broke than what I had thought. Oh well. And I am still not quite up to par, if I am feeling a bit better. I am seriously thinking this time the problem has to do with the medicine. It is getting up there in dosage and it is beginning to do what all medicines have done before. I may have to just find a way to push on through, to push hard, and to do whatever right over having seemingly nothing with which to use as leverage. I think. My pulse being in the 60's is what tells me it is the pills. I am glad I took it slow when I hit that wall though. Every time I hit something like that, now that I know what the real problem is, I am going to have to back down just a bit and really consciously fully assess the issue. I am not sure how I am going to fight through this, but... never you mind, I will do as I may, as usual.
The nights are now dropping into the 50's. The days are staying hot, but that isn't as much trouble when the nights cool off well enough and I can trap more cool in my home. Sleep is easier to come by, as well, when just a few open windows and fans can make the world deliciously cool again. The summer, however, is coming to a close and I have some things I really want done to do! And, my mother is coming soon. The life of the turtle must be one of patience and finding satisfaction as things are, not how they could be. Having the mind of the rabbit and the body of a turtle is when the frustration sets in. Even if the turtle eventually wins, the hare moves fast when it moves!
Good day.
.
Even my bestest girlfriend ever, the second or third woman I proposed to, the nicest of the lot, would sneak up on me in the middle of bliss and try to kick me in the teeth. Well, I must say, with her, it was usually rightly though she would pick something that had nothing to do with anything. Actually, she usually picked something that didn't really hurt. I don't know if she was just rather more passive and timid than most women, slightly retarded (though when it comes to war women usually are, no offense, though some are good at this kind), or what. Still, she almost seemed to really kind of try. Most girlfriends and women I have known all have a flicker response sometimes. But as angry as women get, nothing is worse than the coldness they can suffocate you with. But women have found that I think 90% of their tears are fake (yes, even some of the "real tears" are still fake somehow). Being angry is exciting, heck, I even like it when they are cold because quite often they "don't want to talk to you". As long as you set the parameter at no throwing things and no hitting (spanking works here), then just enjoy the ride.
Can women get to me? Yes, but rather rarely. My last, since she technically rented the space first, and is a woman, would threaten to have me removed (in spite of asking me not to move). She did this enough, and as exhausted as I usually am it was a terrifying prospect. Finally, one day, under my own steam, I did move (to her utter horror and sadness). When I was finally able to get out I did. I just couldn't have that prospect hanging over my head, even after I figured out how to shush her about it. Now, I did get her to stop jabbering about forcing me out though. I suggested, due to my illness, and that she was abusive (not really, but she doesn't know crap), that I should have her moved out. She was the FRIENDLIEST pussy cat I have ever had, for about a week. Well, she did have a longer attention span than I do. Whatever. But you should have seen the look on her face when my suggestion sunk in. Oh, weened on a dill pickle indeed.
I don't play nice or fair with girls. I will elevate it, I will "Run away, run away!", I will sidetrack, I will use sex, I will do whatever works for me at the time, just like fighting. And, usually, women can't get me down. And, no, I don't mind if they try. I think the only time they can really get to me is when I am honestly wrong. So, after a lot of mistakes, I started trying to keep it right. Now, too, there is a difference between not getting the trash out on time and sleeping with all her friends, sisters, mother, and the neighbor-ladies. And since I have done both (well, no mothers), my guilt for the former isn't all that great. But it IS there.
I actually enjoy, if I have the time to deal with it, the hassles that women present. As a now bachelor, though I really would love to have a woman around, I am okay with not having it too. I suppose I am just a happy man. But I look fondly back on the good old days. My last, one of those I was true to, was one of my favorites, usually. Until she found my Achilles Heal and before I found out it was her's too. She was like playing with a hungry kitty. All teeth and claws and demand but no logic, balance, or such. While there was sometimes emotional blood, there was no foul. This last time I saw her, I think I opened her eyes. While we were "fighting", I suggested that not only did I enjoy our contentiousness, I cherished them. I had noticed she was near tears and thought to offer her some technique. I suggested she not take it personally and just enjoy it as if she was playing tug of war with a pet. Her grimace sort of left, and she looked up at me with wondering eyes. I just said, "Really really". I don't think she can, she likes the pain, most women do. But... I think she had a moment of understanding, then buried it as deeply as she could. heh (No sympathy here.)
Weird dreams of late, by the way. One was sort of like a cross between The Hills Have Eyes, a little milder and community based. I bought a house and moved into the area. The house was like a minor fortress. One group in particular was a gluttonous, sexually exciting and repulsive at the same somehow, group of vagabond beggars, thieves, and potentially killers. Before I knew who they were I had let them in. I offered food, as is my want, and realized what kind of trouble they were. The women were very wanton, but too would use that to any who might partake's great disadvantage as well as their own pleasure. I let them finish but offered no more nor did I accept any of their forward women, I saw trouble. I finally had to more or less verbally kick them out. I then locked everything up (imagine bars on the windows, a heavy gate (at the entrance and inside the home), and thick walls of heavy stone, like a keep or some monasteries, and then heard weird begging to be let in, which I just ignored for I knew there was no reason to let them back in and many reasons not to let them in.
Later, I was talking to the sheriff about the guy who used to own my 'new' old home. He was suggesting the guy was standoffish, paranoid about the locals, and disparaging him a goodly bit. So, I asked him if the old man/former owner was correct in his assessments. The sheriff just looked at me oddly and wouldn't speak. So I said, "In the name of Jesus Christ, was the old man correct". He tried not to speak but finally hissed a "Yes". I can't really remember where it went from there, but I did fine. I am pretty sure I didn't end up dead, having to kill anyone, or forced move (or flee) either. I sort of became the new "old man" and guardian for those in need. It was a creepy dream though. I loved it. Other dreams have been coming and going. Powerful seeming dreams. Nothing quite as elaborate, one involving my brother and myself becoming friends again. Which is great, I can't remember my dreams since... some time back. I enjoy dreams, just for entertainment, save a few dreams. But I haven't remembered those in... years now, or many months anyway.
I am not at all sure what to do today. It seems I am much more broke than what I had thought. Oh well. And I am still not quite up to par, if I am feeling a bit better. I am seriously thinking this time the problem has to do with the medicine. It is getting up there in dosage and it is beginning to do what all medicines have done before. I may have to just find a way to push on through, to push hard, and to do whatever right over having seemingly nothing with which to use as leverage. I think. My pulse being in the 60's is what tells me it is the pills. I am glad I took it slow when I hit that wall though. Every time I hit something like that, now that I know what the real problem is, I am going to have to back down just a bit and really consciously fully assess the issue. I am not sure how I am going to fight through this, but... never you mind, I will do as I may, as usual.
The nights are now dropping into the 50's. The days are staying hot, but that isn't as much trouble when the nights cool off well enough and I can trap more cool in my home. Sleep is easier to come by, as well, when just a few open windows and fans can make the world deliciously cool again. The summer, however, is coming to a close and I have some things I really want done to do! And, my mother is coming soon. The life of the turtle must be one of patience and finding satisfaction as things are, not how they could be. Having the mind of the rabbit and the body of a turtle is when the frustration sets in. Even if the turtle eventually wins, the hare moves fast when it moves!
Good day.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
My bad.
.
.
The medicine was in the mailbox. And I had made a mistake. These weren't of the two a day variety, so the 7 pills would have lasted me a week. On the other hand, they only arrived on the very day I would have been out. If you have ever been on heavy medicines, only to even think you are about to run out, the mind plays tricks. I won't say panic sets in, I will say fear comes into play. Three weeks of absolute do nothing downtime is a terrifying prospect, especially since there are things that really need to be done and soon. All good though, until the next time they double my medicine and don't update the prescription and get me some right away. This is the second time in, what, two months? Last time I took the blame but it ended up not being my fault. There is only so much I can do and just so fast.
I did get one of the propane tanks filled. The other still has some gas. But after checking my bank account, I wanted to check all of my money first before shopping further. It seems I am lower than what I had thought. I might have to pull a bit from my savings to get enough food for the rest of the month. I suppose I have been so busy, in some ways, that I haven't been paying attention. That and not having access to my online banking anymore, for whatever reason. I am going to check that again tonight. If it doesn't work tonight I will need to get into town and change some things right there at the bank.
I did have enough to buy a meal for the bother of the trip. Nothing fancy but satisfying. Since I have no other food at home at the moment. The hunger doesn't bother me too much, I just don't like the notion. Eating a bunch of very small meals a day has been good to me. Those packages of salami that I like, I thought that eating a half a packaging was being a pig, so I usually eat about a third of a package, and a similar amount of cheese. I looked closely at a package the other day. The whole package is only four ounces. Small meals to be sure.
Well, not sure what is going to happen tonight. I finally got around to filling my medicine-set (which holds two weeks worth) and then taking today's 'morning' medicine. I will take the 'night' portion of my medicine before going to sleep. If there is still problems, I may cut my medicine just a bit, half a tablet every other day out of the usual two tablets a day, for a week. Perhaps I am just on too much too fast. I am not sure what else to do. I was feeling better until taking 'morning' medicine.
Good night, for those of you going on to sleep.
.
The medicine was in the mailbox. And I had made a mistake. These weren't of the two a day variety, so the 7 pills would have lasted me a week. On the other hand, they only arrived on the very day I would have been out. If you have ever been on heavy medicines, only to even think you are about to run out, the mind plays tricks. I won't say panic sets in, I will say fear comes into play. Three weeks of absolute do nothing downtime is a terrifying prospect, especially since there are things that really need to be done and soon. All good though, until the next time they double my medicine and don't update the prescription and get me some right away. This is the second time in, what, two months? Last time I took the blame but it ended up not being my fault. There is only so much I can do and just so fast.
I did get one of the propane tanks filled. The other still has some gas. But after checking my bank account, I wanted to check all of my money first before shopping further. It seems I am lower than what I had thought. I might have to pull a bit from my savings to get enough food for the rest of the month. I suppose I have been so busy, in some ways, that I haven't been paying attention. That and not having access to my online banking anymore, for whatever reason. I am going to check that again tonight. If it doesn't work tonight I will need to get into town and change some things right there at the bank.
I did have enough to buy a meal for the bother of the trip. Nothing fancy but satisfying. Since I have no other food at home at the moment. The hunger doesn't bother me too much, I just don't like the notion. Eating a bunch of very small meals a day has been good to me. Those packages of salami that I like, I thought that eating a half a packaging was being a pig, so I usually eat about a third of a package, and a similar amount of cheese. I looked closely at a package the other day. The whole package is only four ounces. Small meals to be sure.
Well, not sure what is going to happen tonight. I finally got around to filling my medicine-set (which holds two weeks worth) and then taking today's 'morning' medicine. I will take the 'night' portion of my medicine before going to sleep. If there is still problems, I may cut my medicine just a bit, half a tablet every other day out of the usual two tablets a day, for a week. Perhaps I am just on too much too fast. I am not sure what else to do. I was feeling better until taking 'morning' medicine.
Good night, for those of you going on to sleep.
Feeling better.
.
.
But then I haven't taken my medicine yet either, because I just got in a shower, because even though I am feeling better I am not moving much faster. I am sort of waiting until it cools a bit before heading out anyway. I didn't feeling like bumbling around in near 100 F degree weather. I doubt if the medicine will be in and I still haven't decided what to do about medicine, either way. The safest and surest bet, if the new medicine is not in, is to cut at least that medicine to half. Something is far better than nothing for even a few days and I can't afford the travel to pick up even more medicine, again. They will, if I can stick to it, get an earful tomorrow. I have heard some medicines are becoming extremely difficult to come by. But if that is an issue, it isn't worth the health risk of ending up dry. Dropping off those medicines cold turkey is harsh indeed, and more than likely possibly lethal.
I might want to push things a bit though, as I would like to check on my account balance, fill a tank of propane, and then do some shopping too. Yeah, it's more than what I really feel like doing. But I NEED food, hot, cooked meat to be precise. But with the heat and dirty dishes, cooking inside is not possible. And before I do any shopping, I best know what kind of resources I am looking at. Money always gets a little tight toward the end of the month. I have... a little set aside and more going into it each month now, but that is for something critical, a flat tire, a tow, or in case I see the collapse in time to yank and spend on last minute items. Perhaps even a main battle or solid hunting rifle.
About the main battle rifle? I must admit, my point up to this time has been to try to find the best cheap rifle for that. The problem, of course, is cheap often means broken or unreliable. So I finally just went down to brass knobs and looked at the available rifles which I thought would be worth having and what others considered fine arms. The Fn Fal seems to be the one that shakes out of that tree. And, I have priced them. I could pick a brand new one up for just under $1,400, before taxes. While not optimal, pricewise, if I save an extra hundred a month for nine months I could find the rest of the money elsewhere. While not optimal, for a number of reasons beside cost, it is at least a plan.
Oh, as for building one from a kit? While you can get a kit relatively inexpensively, the tools to construct the kit come to over $1k by themselves. Assuming I could find a complete kit for $400, and thought I could actually do head spacing and everything else correctly, sure. A thought. Not really a good plan. I did look for and find a Fn-Fal kit-build breakdown (three actually). Not quite within my price or skill level.
I am not sure, however, where that fits in with other guns on my list, yet. I will simply have to consider things along the way. Some of the guns I could take out of spending money, so long as I wish to live on bologna style levels for a month (which I would do for a compact Springfield 9mm). The .357 would require a month and a half of frugal dining. However, a solid hunting rifle might well be in the range of the Fn Fal. I could, technically, use the Fn Fal as a short range hunting rifle, unless I spent more and worked it up a bit. But it isn't optimal for that. Oh, and it doesn't come with iron sights or anything. I am not sure how accurate the rifle is either. I hear moderate to high, sometimes even exceptional, but what does that really mean for a main battle rifle? Still, that is probably my pick, if I can save in time, if it is still available. Then I have to consider ammo for it. Several thousand rounds and components for another several thousand would be good to have on hand. Extra magazines, several parts and spring kits. And of course, right off the top, some sort of sights for it, iron would be fine for basics and to start. It adds up fast.
I suppose, now that I am dry from the shower, I ought to head out and see what is what. Have a great day.
.
But then I haven't taken my medicine yet either, because I just got in a shower, because even though I am feeling better I am not moving much faster. I am sort of waiting until it cools a bit before heading out anyway. I didn't feeling like bumbling around in near 100 F degree weather. I doubt if the medicine will be in and I still haven't decided what to do about medicine, either way. The safest and surest bet, if the new medicine is not in, is to cut at least that medicine to half. Something is far better than nothing for even a few days and I can't afford the travel to pick up even more medicine, again. They will, if I can stick to it, get an earful tomorrow. I have heard some medicines are becoming extremely difficult to come by. But if that is an issue, it isn't worth the health risk of ending up dry. Dropping off those medicines cold turkey is harsh indeed, and more than likely possibly lethal.
I might want to push things a bit though, as I would like to check on my account balance, fill a tank of propane, and then do some shopping too. Yeah, it's more than what I really feel like doing. But I NEED food, hot, cooked meat to be precise. But with the heat and dirty dishes, cooking inside is not possible. And before I do any shopping, I best know what kind of resources I am looking at. Money always gets a little tight toward the end of the month. I have... a little set aside and more going into it each month now, but that is for something critical, a flat tire, a tow, or in case I see the collapse in time to yank and spend on last minute items. Perhaps even a main battle or solid hunting rifle.
About the main battle rifle? I must admit, my point up to this time has been to try to find the best cheap rifle for that. The problem, of course, is cheap often means broken or unreliable. So I finally just went down to brass knobs and looked at the available rifles which I thought would be worth having and what others considered fine arms. The Fn Fal seems to be the one that shakes out of that tree. And, I have priced them. I could pick a brand new one up for just under $1,400, before taxes. While not optimal, pricewise, if I save an extra hundred a month for nine months I could find the rest of the money elsewhere. While not optimal, for a number of reasons beside cost, it is at least a plan.
Oh, as for building one from a kit? While you can get a kit relatively inexpensively, the tools to construct the kit come to over $1k by themselves. Assuming I could find a complete kit for $400, and thought I could actually do head spacing and everything else correctly, sure. A thought. Not really a good plan. I did look for and find a Fn-Fal kit-build breakdown (three actually). Not quite within my price or skill level.
I am not sure, however, where that fits in with other guns on my list, yet. I will simply have to consider things along the way. Some of the guns I could take out of spending money, so long as I wish to live on bologna style levels for a month (which I would do for a compact Springfield 9mm). The .357 would require a month and a half of frugal dining. However, a solid hunting rifle might well be in the range of the Fn Fal. I could, technically, use the Fn Fal as a short range hunting rifle, unless I spent more and worked it up a bit. But it isn't optimal for that. Oh, and it doesn't come with iron sights or anything. I am not sure how accurate the rifle is either. I hear moderate to high, sometimes even exceptional, but what does that really mean for a main battle rifle? Still, that is probably my pick, if I can save in time, if it is still available. Then I have to consider ammo for it. Several thousand rounds and components for another several thousand would be good to have on hand. Extra magazines, several parts and spring kits. And of course, right off the top, some sort of sights for it, iron would be fine for basics and to start. It adds up fast.
I suppose, now that I am dry from the shower, I ought to head out and see what is what. Have a great day.
Kick me in the teeth?
.
.
Still feeling weird. Then again, thinking about things, I realized the problem may not be the heat nor pushing things. We just doubled the main medicine. Those, as they say, are quite potent. I've been on relatively low doses, not even therapeutic doses to be honest, until now. Even then I am probably just now hitting the minimum therapeutic doses for the two main pills. It may be gearing my heart down, seriously slowing it so that I feel thumps and bumps and have a difficult time getting the blood I am used to. Somehow my body had ramped things up so that I was able to enjoy a short period of 'the good life'. The party might be over. The problem is, if so, I will continue to push but this is new ice I am askating and I simply don't know it or the limits yet. I can't be sure, but that is what I am suspecting.
Oh, my trip to SLC was a fraud. Oh, no, I made it there. I did pick up a week's supply of medicine. But the pharmacist was wrong. He gave me two and a half days of medicine. For $50 in gas, I can't afford that kind of thing. I am seriously thinking. If my medicine isn't in today, I have two choices. I can cut my doses in half and hope that it lasts (at half doses it will last the full week). Or, I can cut to half doses, on everything, and back out of this medicine trap. If they can't keep me supplied, I can't keep going through this half dosing, parsing words with worm tongues, and going through feeling like shit for nearly a month at a time as I am forced to drop then rebuild blood levels of this goo. Son of a...
I best get dressed, check on the mail, and head into town for some grocery shopping if I can keep it together long enough to even do that.
Auf Wiederschrieben
.
Still feeling weird. Then again, thinking about things, I realized the problem may not be the heat nor pushing things. We just doubled the main medicine. Those, as they say, are quite potent. I've been on relatively low doses, not even therapeutic doses to be honest, until now. Even then I am probably just now hitting the minimum therapeutic doses for the two main pills. It may be gearing my heart down, seriously slowing it so that I feel thumps and bumps and have a difficult time getting the blood I am used to. Somehow my body had ramped things up so that I was able to enjoy a short period of 'the good life'. The party might be over. The problem is, if so, I will continue to push but this is new ice I am askating and I simply don't know it or the limits yet. I can't be sure, but that is what I am suspecting.
Oh, my trip to SLC was a fraud. Oh, no, I made it there. I did pick up a week's supply of medicine. But the pharmacist was wrong. He gave me two and a half days of medicine. For $50 in gas, I can't afford that kind of thing. I am seriously thinking. If my medicine isn't in today, I have two choices. I can cut my doses in half and hope that it lasts (at half doses it will last the full week). Or, I can cut to half doses, on everything, and back out of this medicine trap. If they can't keep me supplied, I can't keep going through this half dosing, parsing words with worm tongues, and going through feeling like shit for nearly a month at a time as I am forced to drop then rebuild blood levels of this goo. Son of a...
I best get dressed, check on the mail, and head into town for some grocery shopping if I can keep it together long enough to even do that.
Auf Wiederschrieben
Who knows?
.
.
I really didn't end up wanting to go into town. Something is just screwy tonight. I started to feel feverish again, and just ill. It is rather flu-like, whatever is going on. I tried to go back to sleep. First I realized I might not have taken my afternoon medicines. I hadn't. Then I thought I heard one of the cats wanting in, though that turned out to be untrue. But since I got up for those things, and while I was still up, I started thinking about at least driving into town for a meal.
I haven't eaten a meal since Sunday with my friend. I have nothing really left on hand. I thought maybe food was the problem, or even not having had caffeine in a bit. Into town I went, though I decided against shopping. I am a bit weak on my legs, it stresses my heart a bit, I think, at the moment. I got my meal and just finished it. I don't think it helped a bit, but it was good to put something warm and filling in my belly anyway. Sometimes I feel like I am being squeezed. Not really hard, just enough to be uncomfortable. And the fever coming and going. Well, actually, not a fever. I took my temp, normal. Would you call it sweats, then? I don't know. It seems to come in occasional waves of feverishness, which greatly adds to my weakness.
It has been a while since I felt this bad. It does concern me. Then again, and truly, I think this happened fairly frequently before I started taking medicine. I may have been pushing things a bit too much or it might just come and goes as the illness dictates, I just don't know. And to be honest, I don't think anyone honestly knows for certain. Most research, what little there is, is based on some medication, not on the fundamentals. I have even wondered, with diabetes going with heart failure often, if the body doesn't crave diabetes to offset some things. Where the body cannot pump enough blood, for example, perhaps diabetes provides extra heat. I was always very hot bodied when diabetes was in play, this in spite of decades of too little blood being pumped to my extremities. No, I am not saying this as an absolute, only a possibility. Like I said, I doubt if the people who are experts know (or possibly even dare ask). What if it turned out that diabetes helps people live longer with a bad ticker? How would they market that?
Oh well. I will try to get back to sleep in a bit. I don't have many alternatives. I can't stay focused, I can't do anything physical. I might read a bit though. Chesterton makes some very interesting points. It amazes me that he is writing about today's problems better than any modern writer I have yet seen. There are some entanglements reading him, of course. His allusions to authors and people of his day, sometimes footnoted, but often without much real detail. Without a personal understanding of these people it can be difficult to fully comprehend all that is written. Imagine speaking of Bill Gates, Robert Shapiro, or even Ozzy Osborne today then having someone read that in a hundred years or so. They simply wouldn't get the full context. Even his primary nemesis, arch-nemesis even, though known to me to some small degree, George Bernard Shaw, is mostly lost to me. Something about being familiar of some of the works but not really of the philosophy behind the works. By the way, they were friends. Chesterton, it is said, was actually a rather approachable fellow.
Well, discomfort is mild, just enough to make sleep light and wakefulness uncomfortable. I will do what I can. Good night.
.
I really didn't end up wanting to go into town. Something is just screwy tonight. I started to feel feverish again, and just ill. It is rather flu-like, whatever is going on. I tried to go back to sleep. First I realized I might not have taken my afternoon medicines. I hadn't. Then I thought I heard one of the cats wanting in, though that turned out to be untrue. But since I got up for those things, and while I was still up, I started thinking about at least driving into town for a meal.
I haven't eaten a meal since Sunday with my friend. I have nothing really left on hand. I thought maybe food was the problem, or even not having had caffeine in a bit. Into town I went, though I decided against shopping. I am a bit weak on my legs, it stresses my heart a bit, I think, at the moment. I got my meal and just finished it. I don't think it helped a bit, but it was good to put something warm and filling in my belly anyway. Sometimes I feel like I am being squeezed. Not really hard, just enough to be uncomfortable. And the fever coming and going. Well, actually, not a fever. I took my temp, normal. Would you call it sweats, then? I don't know. It seems to come in occasional waves of feverishness, which greatly adds to my weakness.
It has been a while since I felt this bad. It does concern me. Then again, and truly, I think this happened fairly frequently before I started taking medicine. I may have been pushing things a bit too much or it might just come and goes as the illness dictates, I just don't know. And to be honest, I don't think anyone honestly knows for certain. Most research, what little there is, is based on some medication, not on the fundamentals. I have even wondered, with diabetes going with heart failure often, if the body doesn't crave diabetes to offset some things. Where the body cannot pump enough blood, for example, perhaps diabetes provides extra heat. I was always very hot bodied when diabetes was in play, this in spite of decades of too little blood being pumped to my extremities. No, I am not saying this as an absolute, only a possibility. Like I said, I doubt if the people who are experts know (or possibly even dare ask). What if it turned out that diabetes helps people live longer with a bad ticker? How would they market that?
Oh well. I will try to get back to sleep in a bit. I don't have many alternatives. I can't stay focused, I can't do anything physical. I might read a bit though. Chesterton makes some very interesting points. It amazes me that he is writing about today's problems better than any modern writer I have yet seen. There are some entanglements reading him, of course. His allusions to authors and people of his day, sometimes footnoted, but often without much real detail. Without a personal understanding of these people it can be difficult to fully comprehend all that is written. Imagine speaking of Bill Gates, Robert Shapiro, or even Ozzy Osborne today then having someone read that in a hundred years or so. They simply wouldn't get the full context. Even his primary nemesis, arch-nemesis even, though known to me to some small degree, George Bernard Shaw, is mostly lost to me. Something about being familiar of some of the works but not really of the philosophy behind the works. By the way, they were friends. Chesterton, it is said, was actually a rather approachable fellow.
Well, discomfort is mild, just enough to make sleep light and wakefulness uncomfortable. I will do what I can. Good night.
Monday, August 22, 2011
More sleep.
.
.
A few hours after that last post I simply started sliding into unconsciousness. I couldn't stop it, sway it, alter it, and feeling as crumby as I did, I really didn't want to mess with it. Back to bed I went. I can't remember what time I went back to bed, or even when I got up exactly. I woke sometime after 21:00 but before 22:00, I think, I'm pretty sure? Remember that feverishness I have spoken of in the past? Yeah, that was present. So was nausea, exhaustion, and all the rest of my old haunts. I do feel a bit better, but it is cooler too. Was it just heat? I really don't know. But I do remember going through this stuff before. Oh bother, I can handle a few days of it. It's not like I live in it anymore.
I may head into town and do just a bit of shopping. Being low on food is not fun. I would love to eat just a few bites before going in, but everything I have is sort of oddball. Ah well, I'll dig through this and that, here and there. I figure I will also grab a meal on my way home. Just a bite will do for now, and keep that buying frenzy edge off when I go to the store, well, those and put some gas in the gas tank.
Yes, definitely, I do feel a bit better. Later, or maybe even goodnight, again. I may still need more sleep, especially after a trip to town.
.
A few hours after that last post I simply started sliding into unconsciousness. I couldn't stop it, sway it, alter it, and feeling as crumby as I did, I really didn't want to mess with it. Back to bed I went. I can't remember what time I went back to bed, or even when I got up exactly. I woke sometime after 21:00 but before 22:00, I think, I'm pretty sure? Remember that feverishness I have spoken of in the past? Yeah, that was present. So was nausea, exhaustion, and all the rest of my old haunts. I do feel a bit better, but it is cooler too. Was it just heat? I really don't know. But I do remember going through this stuff before. Oh bother, I can handle a few days of it. It's not like I live in it anymore.
I may head into town and do just a bit of shopping. Being low on food is not fun. I would love to eat just a few bites before going in, but everything I have is sort of oddball. Ah well, I'll dig through this and that, here and there. I figure I will also grab a meal on my way home. Just a bite will do for now, and keep that buying frenzy edge off when I go to the store, well, those and put some gas in the gas tank.
Yes, definitely, I do feel a bit better. Later, or maybe even goodnight, again. I may still need more sleep, especially after a trip to town.
No second nap.
.
.
I am in a phase where I can neither truly wake up nor go back to sleep. I remember these well. It has been some time since I have been like this. There were times when this was more of the normal than any other phase though, weeks and months and years of this have been a part of my life. While I hate it just as much now I am pretty sure it is of a much shorter duration. I doubt if it will last more than a day or two. Hmm, the zombie shuffle might be a good name for it. My heart is feeling odd, too. I think I just pushed things a little too far. Hopefully taking a little down time will patch things up.
As I consider things, when ever I actually do get my application for conceal carry in, I consider whether I should buy another pistol or a rifle first. While I already have an AK, it isn't the best hunting, dual purpose, or ranged arm out there. Neither do I have a decent hunting rifle nor do I have what I would call a main battle rifle. So I have been watching the used sections at various places and going over a number of new arms options. Some of the used rifles would be great, say a .35 pump, for hunting. The problem with many of the lower priced used hunting rifles is that their caliber is odd. What you don't pay up front you pay the rest of your rifle ownership in ammunition. If, sometimes, you can even find it. On the other hand, paying $1,200 or more for both a good hunting/range firearm and similar for a very basic main battle arm is out of the question. Sure, a Nagant might work for both, but you find yourself back at ammunition problems (I suspect). Then again, I don't particularly care for the 30-06 caliber. It might be okay, but it simply isn't 'fine' (for either long range or mbr, and to my mind). Still, as women like to shop for clothes and other things, if they also like to complain about both nothing they like being offered and having nothing to wear, menfolk like to shop and complain about shopping for our fururms, durned things anyway. *grins*
Now for some articles which interested me. The first highlights the problem with modern group public education. What happens when neither a teacher nor principal has the will, full faith of parents, or legal authority to discipline children? Two things, chaos in the class and the criminalization of minor bad behavior. And both, not one or the other. Oh? Don't believe me? Then read this. I couldn't imagine why a kid, taken in by the police, then having to go to court and stand in front of a judge... for carrying a soda where it is prohibited would ever consider quitting before graduation! Idiots, the lot of them. And, yeah, that will break a kid down. Gun? Sure. Even a knife if the kid is a problem child (not the boyscout that just forgot though). But a can of pop? Fucking NAZIs who can't control turn to extreme force when their obvious incompetence is glaringly shown.
Most believe the recovery, if we ever start on the path to it, will be a long and brutal road, and I agree with that. I, however, completely disagree that it has to be slow or painful. I do believe we still have enough spit and enough industry and enough capital to come roaring back. What has to take place is a crippling of government interference in the forms of taxation, regulation, and through tort reform. It simply isn't worthwhile to hire people who are a risk to hire regardless if they are kept on OR let go. American workers have priced themselves out of work, only unions don't seem to understand this. It doesn't have to be a long hard road, save that socialists, communists, and their apparatchik have too many unelected and unaffected by political change appointees in place to halt any reversal of government harassment. Recovery could start gangbusters tomorrow. Look to Texas for an example. It's real, it's here, it will never be tried. One caveat, if we take the gloves off, the economic highs and lows will be severe (but short lived) again. Which, actually, is the way it is supposed to be. Think of rivers which have been volume controlled. Their valleys die. There is a reason for these things. They are more honest, as well, and money more closely maintains it's actual true worth. Never... mind... if you don't understand.
This is just a 'what if', but one with some possible legs. It is one I like. I do believe college, much like medicine, has become a capital eating road to nowhere. Now that so many people are educated, two things become perfectly clear. Education is what it always was, almost nothing and if everyone can do it, few should. I would honestly love to see a bunch of 'just-made it's' and 'secure fat and lazys' get bumped into the real markets, especially in these times. Most professors, honestly, shouldn't be trusted to flip burgers let alone teach kids (anything). Oh, sure, there are some fine professors who knew their crap and could tend the minds of students to learn it. The problem with even that is, much of what is taught is never used. Adding to that, as I mentioned, even those are rare professors indeed. No, I would love to see this what-if come to pass. Truly. A delight. "Hey professor Smartass! Uhrm, no cheese or pickle on that, meal deal, large size, with Coke. Still jogging every morning? Where is the Beemer?" Pricks.
And here is proof the world is about to swallow it's own... Well, if not a family site, I do have some restraint, usually. The whole notion that hardware companies are turning to software is a very bad sign indeed. Have you seen what passes for software on much of what you use? Even as a passive light user of many technologies, I can tell you the weak side is programming. Systems have become so miniaturized and complicated that a computer can't honestly track what is going on in those little toaster brains. Add in an arm, and an eye, and toss in stupid users and you get... a mess. China has competed out quality engineering and production so that what is left isn't worth fighting over. Hewlett-Packard going to software? Yeah, who woulda thunk?
Well, that's enough for now. It beat just sitting doing nothing, which I will return to after this post. Hope you enjoyed!
.
I am in a phase where I can neither truly wake up nor go back to sleep. I remember these well. It has been some time since I have been like this. There were times when this was more of the normal than any other phase though, weeks and months and years of this have been a part of my life. While I hate it just as much now I am pretty sure it is of a much shorter duration. I doubt if it will last more than a day or two. Hmm, the zombie shuffle might be a good name for it. My heart is feeling odd, too. I think I just pushed things a little too far. Hopefully taking a little down time will patch things up.
As I consider things, when ever I actually do get my application for conceal carry in, I consider whether I should buy another pistol or a rifle first. While I already have an AK, it isn't the best hunting, dual purpose, or ranged arm out there. Neither do I have a decent hunting rifle nor do I have what I would call a main battle rifle. So I have been watching the used sections at various places and going over a number of new arms options. Some of the used rifles would be great, say a .35 pump, for hunting. The problem with many of the lower priced used hunting rifles is that their caliber is odd. What you don't pay up front you pay the rest of your rifle ownership in ammunition. If, sometimes, you can even find it. On the other hand, paying $1,200 or more for both a good hunting/range firearm and similar for a very basic main battle arm is out of the question. Sure, a Nagant might work for both, but you find yourself back at ammunition problems (I suspect). Then again, I don't particularly care for the 30-06 caliber. It might be okay, but it simply isn't 'fine' (for either long range or mbr, and to my mind). Still, as women like to shop for clothes and other things, if they also like to complain about both nothing they like being offered and having nothing to wear, menfolk like to shop and complain about shopping for our fururms, durned things anyway. *grins*
Now for some articles which interested me. The first highlights the problem with modern group public education. What happens when neither a teacher nor principal has the will, full faith of parents, or legal authority to discipline children? Two things, chaos in the class and the criminalization of minor bad behavior. And both, not one or the other. Oh? Don't believe me? Then read this. I couldn't imagine why a kid, taken in by the police, then having to go to court and stand in front of a judge... for carrying a soda where it is prohibited would ever consider quitting before graduation! Idiots, the lot of them. And, yeah, that will break a kid down. Gun? Sure. Even a knife if the kid is a problem child (not the boyscout that just forgot though). But a can of pop? Fucking NAZIs who can't control turn to extreme force when their obvious incompetence is glaringly shown.
Most believe the recovery, if we ever start on the path to it, will be a long and brutal road, and I agree with that. I, however, completely disagree that it has to be slow or painful. I do believe we still have enough spit and enough industry and enough capital to come roaring back. What has to take place is a crippling of government interference in the forms of taxation, regulation, and through tort reform. It simply isn't worthwhile to hire people who are a risk to hire regardless if they are kept on OR let go. American workers have priced themselves out of work, only unions don't seem to understand this. It doesn't have to be a long hard road, save that socialists, communists, and their apparatchik have too many unelected and unaffected by political change appointees in place to halt any reversal of government harassment. Recovery could start gangbusters tomorrow. Look to Texas for an example. It's real, it's here, it will never be tried. One caveat, if we take the gloves off, the economic highs and lows will be severe (but short lived) again. Which, actually, is the way it is supposed to be. Think of rivers which have been volume controlled. Their valleys die. There is a reason for these things. They are more honest, as well, and money more closely maintains it's actual true worth. Never... mind... if you don't understand.
This is just a 'what if', but one with some possible legs. It is one I like. I do believe college, much like medicine, has become a capital eating road to nowhere. Now that so many people are educated, two things become perfectly clear. Education is what it always was, almost nothing and if everyone can do it, few should. I would honestly love to see a bunch of 'just-made it's' and 'secure fat and lazys' get bumped into the real markets, especially in these times. Most professors, honestly, shouldn't be trusted to flip burgers let alone teach kids (anything). Oh, sure, there are some fine professors who knew their crap and could tend the minds of students to learn it. The problem with even that is, much of what is taught is never used. Adding to that, as I mentioned, even those are rare professors indeed. No, I would love to see this what-if come to pass. Truly. A delight. "Hey professor Smartass! Uhrm, no cheese or pickle on that, meal deal, large size, with Coke. Still jogging every morning? Where is the Beemer?" Pricks.
And here is proof the world is about to swallow it's own... Well, if not a family site, I do have some restraint, usually. The whole notion that hardware companies are turning to software is a very bad sign indeed. Have you seen what passes for software on much of what you use? Even as a passive light user of many technologies, I can tell you the weak side is programming. Systems have become so miniaturized and complicated that a computer can't honestly track what is going on in those little toaster brains. Add in an arm, and an eye, and toss in stupid users and you get... a mess. China has competed out quality engineering and production so that what is left isn't worth fighting over. Hewlett-Packard going to software? Yeah, who woulda thunk?
Well, that's enough for now. It beat just sitting doing nothing, which I will return to after this post. Hope you enjoyed!
Up early.
.
.
I woke at around 8:00, actually a little before. I simply stumbled around for a few hours until I decided a nap might reset the thing. A nap has been had and another is slated for a few more hours. I simply can't do much today. It isn't so much a thing of forcing through, or trying, and there isn't anything to put in the fireplace, light, then cook. I can't keep my mind on anything because all it wants to do is sleep. Give more sleep to it... Like rolling snake eyes for a whole day. At some point you just realize you have no game. Might as well go home and SLEEP. *ZzzzzzZ*
I did get my medicine passed my gullet. I weighed myself and checked my bp, which is good at 131/94 I think, the best in a long time. I may call and figure out what is required for auto registration since I can't seem to find my old registration. I am not sure if I need an inspection either (this is one of THOSE states). If they truly weeded out the nasty autos and trucks I might even at least give that a nod. It doesn't. I see more foul vehicles here than I did in Iowa, without an inspection as part of the process of registration. When will people learn that government intervention doesn't do a thing but cost them more and become a minor hurdle for those not interested in the spirit of the law or something to toy with by those who enjoying jabbing their fingers right into the eyes of the law regardless? No, never mind. Some people never learn, especially those whose jobs depend on never learning.
Actually, because the ease of contacting and communicating with said 'non-learners', I may try to find the answers online before trying to contact some overpaid under-worked single mother of foreign born children who it hurts to pick up a phone (unless they are wasting government time talking to their children, their mothers, or their girlfriends to find out who the next unwed mother-to-be is and what species the child will be). Oh, my, how politically incorrect (and factual) of me.
Hmm, food, too. I ought to figure out what I could rustle up before crashing again. I am absolutely starving today, for whatever reason. Oh, something I noticed is that I really am tightening up and my arms are getting bigger and better defined. No, not body beautiful*, as I have said, only comparatively. Perhaps the weight gain really is muscle mass additions, or in part. If my legs increase as fast as the rest of my muscles, from just a bit of work, that could end up being a huge fast weight gain, and one I wouldn't even notice. I can't see my legs in the mirror, and that is mostly when I happen to notice changes more quickly. Quads are the biggest muscle group on the body, and a few percent for someone my size is... significant. That honestly might explain the weight gain. More so since I don't have that... water in the back of the throat... type of feel. (*a body building competition)
I guess my goals have been rearranged. I will rest as I must until I am ready to get to it again. There are a few things that must be done. Taxes must be checked and paid. Food has to be purchased as I am out, literally, of solid foods. And if I get a good day, I would like to hit my first hike sooner rather than later. The nice thing about being disabled is that I can get to the trails midweek when fewer people will be on them. I can only imagine the possible congestion on the weekends, as the easier trails are often for hikers, fisherman, and bikers too.
Something, perhaps, to feed my face with. I might still have some junk around (just no solid real food). Hungry! Then... nap time.
Oh, weird dreams. Some might call them nightmares, but to me it's like those cheesy B (or C) horror flicks from the past. They haven't even been engaging... Not even worth popping popcorn to go with them. It's sad when you are so drained even your unconscious imagination becomes lackluster. hehe
.
I woke at around 8:00, actually a little before. I simply stumbled around for a few hours until I decided a nap might reset the thing. A nap has been had and another is slated for a few more hours. I simply can't do much today. It isn't so much a thing of forcing through, or trying, and there isn't anything to put in the fireplace, light, then cook. I can't keep my mind on anything because all it wants to do is sleep. Give more sleep to it... Like rolling snake eyes for a whole day. At some point you just realize you have no game. Might as well go home and SLEEP. *ZzzzzzZ*
I did get my medicine passed my gullet. I weighed myself and checked my bp, which is good at 131/94 I think, the best in a long time. I may call and figure out what is required for auto registration since I can't seem to find my old registration. I am not sure if I need an inspection either (this is one of THOSE states). If they truly weeded out the nasty autos and trucks I might even at least give that a nod. It doesn't. I see more foul vehicles here than I did in Iowa, without an inspection as part of the process of registration. When will people learn that government intervention doesn't do a thing but cost them more and become a minor hurdle for those not interested in the spirit of the law or something to toy with by those who enjoying jabbing their fingers right into the eyes of the law regardless? No, never mind. Some people never learn, especially those whose jobs depend on never learning.
Actually, because the ease of contacting and communicating with said 'non-learners', I may try to find the answers online before trying to contact some overpaid under-worked single mother of foreign born children who it hurts to pick up a phone (unless they are wasting government time talking to their children, their mothers, or their girlfriends to find out who the next unwed mother-to-be is and what species the child will be). Oh, my, how politically incorrect (and factual) of me.
Hmm, food, too. I ought to figure out what I could rustle up before crashing again. I am absolutely starving today, for whatever reason. Oh, something I noticed is that I really am tightening up and my arms are getting bigger and better defined. No, not body beautiful*, as I have said, only comparatively. Perhaps the weight gain really is muscle mass additions, or in part. If my legs increase as fast as the rest of my muscles, from just a bit of work, that could end up being a huge fast weight gain, and one I wouldn't even notice. I can't see my legs in the mirror, and that is mostly when I happen to notice changes more quickly. Quads are the biggest muscle group on the body, and a few percent for someone my size is... significant. That honestly might explain the weight gain. More so since I don't have that... water in the back of the throat... type of feel. (*a body building competition)
I guess my goals have been rearranged. I will rest as I must until I am ready to get to it again. There are a few things that must be done. Taxes must be checked and paid. Food has to be purchased as I am out, literally, of solid foods. And if I get a good day, I would like to hit my first hike sooner rather than later. The nice thing about being disabled is that I can get to the trails midweek when fewer people will be on them. I can only imagine the possible congestion on the weekends, as the easier trails are often for hikers, fisherman, and bikers too.
Something, perhaps, to feed my face with. I might still have some junk around (just no solid real food). Hungry! Then... nap time.
Oh, weird dreams. Some might call them nightmares, but to me it's like those cheesy B (or C) horror flicks from the past. They haven't even been engaging... Not even worth popping popcorn to go with them. It's sad when you are so drained even your unconscious imagination becomes lackluster. hehe
I suppose I shouldn't complain?
.
.
"My husbands EF is 15%. He is very ill. He was told 8 yrs ago that he would not make it thu the yr. I watch everything he eats,he is on as little salt as possible,decreased chol.diet,& is on 24 pills daily. He has a pacemaker in his chest plus a defibrilator in has chest. It has gone off more times than I can mention. He has had 3 major heart attacks & he's still here.Our life is very limited, He has a hard time breathing,he is on oxygen.Everyday is a gift & I treasure each one." lonepine
I have nothing in my chest, I'm on 7 pills a day (or less), I don't watch what I eat I just try to eat a well rounded assortment, I can do quite a bit (and more on medicine), and my heart may actually be in worse condition since both ventricles are enlarged and probably have been for some time. No oxygen either, and because it has been so hot I haven't wanted to set up the CPAP machine. I guess I just think I should be able to even do more. And, probably I will do more. Oh, and I live alone. No wife to feed or care for me. Yeah, I guess I have it pretty darn good for the condition I am in.
Tomorrow I hope to make it to Logan for taxes and SLC for the permit application. I may need to take much of the rest of the week off. With the heat and such, it's just killing me. Then again, I will be hot in any case. Trimming the weeds, dishes, and some more laundry (my bedding and begging for my mother's bed while she is here, I have the rest of it clean and hung or folded). Danged heat is killing me though. And I have been pushing things, right through it. Hmm, maybe in the mornings and afternoons though, taking the hot times of the day off. A drive to the local lake and just some cool soaking might be the thing. No real swimming, just... cooling off in the water, mostly? Can I not swim when wet? I doubt it. Bleh.
I need some sleep, if I can cool down. Good night.
.
"My husbands EF is 15%. He is very ill. He was told 8 yrs ago that he would not make it thu the yr. I watch everything he eats,he is on as little salt as possible,decreased chol.diet,& is on 24 pills daily. He has a pacemaker in his chest plus a defibrilator in has chest. It has gone off more times than I can mention. He has had 3 major heart attacks & he's still here.Our life is very limited, He has a hard time breathing,he is on oxygen.Everyday is a gift & I treasure each one." lonepine
I have nothing in my chest, I'm on 7 pills a day (or less), I don't watch what I eat I just try to eat a well rounded assortment, I can do quite a bit (and more on medicine), and my heart may actually be in worse condition since both ventricles are enlarged and probably have been for some time. No oxygen either, and because it has been so hot I haven't wanted to set up the CPAP machine. I guess I just think I should be able to even do more. And, probably I will do more. Oh, and I live alone. No wife to feed or care for me. Yeah, I guess I have it pretty darn good for the condition I am in.
Tomorrow I hope to make it to Logan for taxes and SLC for the permit application. I may need to take much of the rest of the week off. With the heat and such, it's just killing me. Then again, I will be hot in any case. Trimming the weeds, dishes, and some more laundry (my bedding and begging for my mother's bed while she is here, I have the rest of it clean and hung or folded). Danged heat is killing me though. And I have been pushing things, right through it. Hmm, maybe in the mornings and afternoons though, taking the hot times of the day off. A drive to the local lake and just some cool soaking might be the thing. No real swimming, just... cooling off in the water, mostly? Can I not swim when wet? I doubt it. Bleh.
I need some sleep, if I can cool down. Good night.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
So very hot.
.
.
Even with plenty of Gatorade and water I was getting pretty beat up today. Grabbing all of the guns needed, then ammo, then making sure I had my stuff though I seem to have lost or forgotten my ammunition. I picked my friend up and, yes, he did buy cigarettes. Then to the gas station. Out to find a place to shoot. And finally a meal on the way back through town. I suspect he was gone longer than four hours but there wasn't much to be done about that. I did suggest he find 21 mg patches, and that he take the opportunity to quit. I know he won't, but he thinks it is a great idea. He thinks cigarettes cost him at least $150 a month. He really could use that money.
I have been dragging bottom all day. It never got better. I am simply all out of energy. Yeah, sure, I keep going but I am more treading water than making Olympic time in the pool. I am still hoping to get those things done tomorrow that I had to skip last Friday. But I am well and truly wiped. It might just be the heat. Perhaps my tolerance of the dry heat has ended. Now I am used to it as merely heat and it is too much. Either that or my health is declining.
The reason I wonder about my heart is that I continue to gain weight. If anything I am eating less, though that can actually increase weight, as bowel movements decrease in frequency and possibly volume as the body clings to everything. While I do seem to be tightening up, though, too. My muscles are more solid. I don't think biking would do that with chest and upper body muscles? And, when the heat is rather high, palpitations and pressing exhaustion can occur. That all makes me nervous. I know I may have to reconsider central air. Even to keep it a steady 72 F, with as dry as it is, so long as electricity continues to be generated and affordable. Then again, I am beginning to have trouble buying groceries. I can only imagine what a family of four at my financial level must be going through!
The world is really getting bad. I hear Social Security Disability is already bankrupt. What amazes me is that they continue to give it to people for things like alcoholism, even sending the checks right to the liquor stores (which should at least make them wonder how those people are paying rent since they aren't supposed to be able to work!). We live in an absolutely insane world, and Obama thinks the insanity is right, or good, or whatever such people call that which they think is good. He is, of course, just the quota face of the real liberals, such as Biden, the Kennedys, and many others both in and outside of politics.
Well, there is always the chance God will call me sooner rather than later and then I won't have to think about idiots anymore. I'll worry about what it takes to get to heaven and how to go about that. I just can't help but notice, everywhere and always, the evil that surrounds me. I don't fear it, if I know it might just kill me itself. I just realize it, I guess.
Later, or maybe even good night.
.
Even with plenty of Gatorade and water I was getting pretty beat up today. Grabbing all of the guns needed, then ammo, then making sure I had my stuff though I seem to have lost or forgotten my ammunition. I picked my friend up and, yes, he did buy cigarettes. Then to the gas station. Out to find a place to shoot. And finally a meal on the way back through town. I suspect he was gone longer than four hours but there wasn't much to be done about that. I did suggest he find 21 mg patches, and that he take the opportunity to quit. I know he won't, but he thinks it is a great idea. He thinks cigarettes cost him at least $150 a month. He really could use that money.
I have been dragging bottom all day. It never got better. I am simply all out of energy. Yeah, sure, I keep going but I am more treading water than making Olympic time in the pool. I am still hoping to get those things done tomorrow that I had to skip last Friday. But I am well and truly wiped. It might just be the heat. Perhaps my tolerance of the dry heat has ended. Now I am used to it as merely heat and it is too much. Either that or my health is declining.
The reason I wonder about my heart is that I continue to gain weight. If anything I am eating less, though that can actually increase weight, as bowel movements decrease in frequency and possibly volume as the body clings to everything. While I do seem to be tightening up, though, too. My muscles are more solid. I don't think biking would do that with chest and upper body muscles? And, when the heat is rather high, palpitations and pressing exhaustion can occur. That all makes me nervous. I know I may have to reconsider central air. Even to keep it a steady 72 F, with as dry as it is, so long as electricity continues to be generated and affordable. Then again, I am beginning to have trouble buying groceries. I can only imagine what a family of four at my financial level must be going through!
The world is really getting bad. I hear Social Security Disability is already bankrupt. What amazes me is that they continue to give it to people for things like alcoholism, even sending the checks right to the liquor stores (which should at least make them wonder how those people are paying rent since they aren't supposed to be able to work!). We live in an absolutely insane world, and Obama thinks the insanity is right, or good, or whatever such people call that which they think is good. He is, of course, just the quota face of the real liberals, such as Biden, the Kennedys, and many others both in and outside of politics.
Well, there is always the chance God will call me sooner rather than later and then I won't have to think about idiots anymore. I'll worry about what it takes to get to heaven and how to go about that. I just can't help but notice, everywhere and always, the evil that surrounds me. I don't fear it, if I know it might just kill me itself. I just realize it, I guess.
Later, or maybe even good night.
Running a bit late, but...
.
.
So be it. I will be in to pick up my friend sooner or later. I am still tired. One day off, after a long day, after another day off, with a busy whole week pretty much since last Sunday before that. And, I have been pumping it out for a couple weeks or more, as much as possible. Further, I have weeks to come of heavy work, and that is until my mother visits, at which time I will be even busier, until I go in for some psychotic surgical procedure. Ah well. Just saying. Not really complaining. Actually, if anything, I am depressed about how little I am doing. I mean, all that I am doing is a miracle compared to my last 20 years. Truly, I am doing all kinds of things. But compared to almost any of you? I do in a week what you do in a day and few of you even get that mild of a day, to a degree. Some perspective is good, but there are so many perspectives which need to be applied that it is difficult to keep track. Never... Mind.
I slept well. I woke later than what my bedtime would have suggested. But I do what I can, when I can. I need a quick shower but my shave is still good. Sometimes my shave is good for a few hours, sometimes it will last a week. I suspect I have some sort of internal chemical (physique type) metabolism issues. Then again, 20-30% blood flow... I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. To keep everything going, my body must transfer blood around to various things. Even vital organs don't get a full requested supply. Everything is on some sort of high and low rotation, where the "high" is just more than low but not even close to true demand. Considering it has probably been this bad for a very long time, I am honestly surprised I am not retarded through oxygen deprived brain damage. Hmmm, maybe I am. What would I have been if they had fixed this decades ago? Even if they fix it now, is my body and brain permanently stunted, broken? I don't know.
Well, I best be on my way. Good day.
.
So be it. I will be in to pick up my friend sooner or later. I am still tired. One day off, after a long day, after another day off, with a busy whole week pretty much since last Sunday before that. And, I have been pumping it out for a couple weeks or more, as much as possible. Further, I have weeks to come of heavy work, and that is until my mother visits, at which time I will be even busier, until I go in for some psychotic surgical procedure. Ah well. Just saying. Not really complaining. Actually, if anything, I am depressed about how little I am doing. I mean, all that I am doing is a miracle compared to my last 20 years. Truly, I am doing all kinds of things. But compared to almost any of you? I do in a week what you do in a day and few of you even get that mild of a day, to a degree. Some perspective is good, but there are so many perspectives which need to be applied that it is difficult to keep track. Never... Mind.
I slept well. I woke later than what my bedtime would have suggested. But I do what I can, when I can. I need a quick shower but my shave is still good. Sometimes my shave is good for a few hours, sometimes it will last a week. I suspect I have some sort of internal chemical (physique type) metabolism issues. Then again, 20-30% blood flow... I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. To keep everything going, my body must transfer blood around to various things. Even vital organs don't get a full requested supply. Everything is on some sort of high and low rotation, where the "high" is just more than low but not even close to true demand. Considering it has probably been this bad for a very long time, I am honestly surprised I am not retarded through oxygen deprived brain damage. Hmmm, maybe I am. What would I have been if they had fixed this decades ago? Even if they fix it now, is my body and brain permanently stunted, broken? I don't know.
Well, I best be on my way. Good day.
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