Crashed again.

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Right after the last post I was compelled to sleep.  I could no longer keep my eyes open or keep from nodding off.  Zounds.  Waking at 17:16, if I can't remember when it was that I actually slept.  It was more like an half hour to hour after that post.  No cats this time.  As suspected I needed to roll.  Though I have figured out how to make the bed so it doesn't fly apart.  One blanket just didn't work... I'll keep that as a spare for rare extra need or for naps.  Blankets are something which shouldn't be thrown barring severe issues.

I will try to eat right away.  Fried eggs with some torn spinach and a pork chop or two.  Perhaps some hot pepper sprinkles and a glass of milk to top it off.  The Lord loves a man with a right plan.  At least if he fulfills it.

I had hoped to make confession and mass.  As can be seen, my will simply isn't going to cut it.  As well, and again, I am so out of sorts that I don't dare schedule an appointment until some regularity returns, hopefully yet this week.  Brutal.

I am still hoping to work tonight.  I really need some food.  Perhaps that will help.  Later.

Sleeping with the fish?

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Three or four sleep cycles, back to back, with small wake cycles of between, what two to five hours?  I am still not certain it, whatever it is, has been sorted.  No dreams in this junket.  The girls, stowing in, and their fussiness, may have replaced that.  Who knows. I do know sleep was much needed if I would rather be doing something.  Titrating medicine isn't helping.  After a certain point, adding medicine becomes brutal.  Stretching sleep while adding medicine is a recipe for potential disaster, of a minor scale.

Today?  Depend if there will be a day this time, again.  If so, just back to the list already developed.  Day?  Just Saturday?  It is so difficult to track days when sleeping like this.  While I have probably overspent, I can recover, and that... needs and a few wants... I am satisfied.

Food?  Pork chops and salad?  A few boiled eggs or fried eggs and maybe a chop?  Or even a lamb chop and various radishes?  I have other choices.  Or, as often as not, nothing.  Too many choices can be as bad as too few.  While I am still losing no weight my shape continues to diminish in the strangest ways.  For now, as an example, the area I can use as my waste, which had been a belt-wide area about two or three inches above my hips, is now from three inches below my hips to a few inches above the old belt region, all that area being the same or close enough.  I still have a belly, but it is obviously shrinking longitudinally and latidinally.  *smile*

The good thing about loss is, well, loss.  The bad thing is I never know just how things are going to fit, or how to make things fit.  At this time, I cinch the belt as tight as possible and pray my britches don't drop.  I am hoping a true waste returns.  I guess that will take more weight (or size actually?) loss in a very small band.  I just don't understand how the loss is working.

On to waking.  Good morning even yet, and day.

Sleep, and lots of it.

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Most likely a good thing.  I have been shunting sleep severely and if unwisely necessarily.  Dreams.  Sweet, pleasant, being tended and tending another.  Not in some specific or worldly way.  A strange song seems to have captured the ideas, assuming the words match the visuals.  I have lost my taste of the tongue.  Just désert, simply désert?

A pleasant start.

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Plans are wonderful.  Often their construction is wasting time.  There are good reasons to plan, and a plan can help.  But everybody who has ever stepped out of planning phases and into the shit realizes, the deeper the more certainly, plans are sometimes the slow burn psych ramping which helps people talk themselves into trying the nearly suicidal.

Not today.  The plans are a rough roadmap, without enemy encampments, fortifications, land mines of any persuasion, or any real danger at all, mostly.  Boredom is worse than the others, in a different way.  Can't we haz a fews minz!?!  Oh well.  The plan is moving ahead, if it has already hit the first unanticipated fork, which was taken.  Food.

While not completely unforeseen, when where and what was undiscovered territory.  Nothing fancy, mostly.  Pretty jazzy for these digs, if that might be changing.  A salad.  Starting with three quarters quart of romain with raw spinach leaves for added punch, three sliced red radishes, six fifty cent to dollar sized slices of daikon radish, two sliced boiled eggs, four green onions diced,  half an avocado diced, a slice of bacon diced, a tablespoon plus half of cheddar, and similar amount of blue cheese dressing.  Keep portions of additions small.  Or that seems to work  for me.  Ah, forgot freshly ground black pepper.  Even if you can't taste it directly, it is missed, if in retrospect this time.

My favorite?  Not at all.  I can't eat just by favor.  Not a bad meal though.  And portioned down it will make an excellent side.  While I was at it, I processed the rest of the red radishes, green onions, and did some of the daikon radish... that isn't best to do too much in advance.  Heck yeah.  I hate tossing food yet so often...

A bit of a break then to dishes?  Hmm, I'll check laundry first, throw in another load while at it.  Would rather load the washer the old way, Drambuie!  Well, as a start.  I think I might get more done tonight.  Can hope.

When, what?

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I hit it like a train.  Sleep.  I had hoped to remember the time.  No dice.  I was hurtling into tunnel vision faster than I could hope to connect back with reality.  The timestamp on the last post seems bogus, by two hours (ish), it seems when government flunky tech megacorps bungle for government tyranny they can't even square the, well, square?  All that lame Indian brain power for you.  Yeah.

Up around 16:30, down somewhere between 9:30 and 11:30?  Yeah.  Which means, no matter what, way too little sleep.  And I am feeling it.  It... just tired.

On the really good side, I am almost catching back up, nearing normalization, finding a way toward having things all working and tacked back down.  It's been a brutal haul, starting with social security, actually before that with the V.A.  Pretty much bureaucratic malfeasance.  Almost finished sorting and back to automation.  Wrung out and still put up wet and the worse for wear.

Today?  If I can, dishes, laundry, and a bit more in the kitchen, plus two bills and a shower.  If not, at least those bills.  So worn.  All good, much has been done.  Later.

Some of most of it.

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And change.  The bedding was stripped and replaced, bedding and other laundry is drying, half of the dishes were done, some clearing in the kitchen, then surprised myself with a trip to the post.  One of the parcels was a form for my mortgage settlement.  Due in tomorrow?  I had received an email suggesting something had run out.  Had my paperwork not gotten in on time?

Without being too nasty I let an email fly.  So stretched, all I needed was an accusational confrontation with what might end up being...  I was careful to not corner.  Appearances, missunderstandings, and so on, back and forth, yet with a nicely barbed potential point.  Not two minutes and I receive a call with the all clear and solid explanations.  Everything is on time, on track, moving forward.  Goodie.

So tired.  Could barely get to the office.  Then got so jacked.  Just coming off the ceiling now.  Crash time.

To the store, beginning other things.

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Just groceries.  Enough eggs to really hit souffle practice, boil some, and have some around for general use.  Several cheeses, apples, basic raw salad makings most of which have been prossessed, a few meats to top that off, and just a few odds and ends.  Oh, I found a package of cod, US.  It was on immediate sale.  I looked for other packs, but they were all shorts.  The regular price was good.  I will start checking fish in my store again.  However, if I find it is processed by the Chinese, or "caught in US waters" then transferred to Chinese services... no.  It means they will be sliding their poison fish in.  It's how they do.  Notice how they say only half truths on packaging?  It's why you have to be so cautious.  Ask, check, verify, several times.  As soon as they think you have lost track they'll gank you.

Everything has been put up.  Some of it processed.  The fish has been cooked.  It, yeah.  Old fish just.  I don't think it was bad, it just wasn't tops.  I'll try 'late' lamb.  Ugh.  Dishes have been started in the main sink.  I'll hit the bedding after this post, then at least a load of laundry.  Then?  Perhaps a nap, or to the post if I am still awake at the right time.  There is, or was, a package in.  I forgot.

I can't keep it all together.  I'll keep trying.  Oh, good news.  My mother had her heart checked.  That is not her problem, her heart is in excellent shape.  She was right, but better safe than sorry.  I don't regret siding against her, only do so because I actually care.  I'm often her yes man, so long as it isn't... a vital area.

Yeah, maybe.

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I have to admit, I want to cook, bake, something special.  A souffle of some sort.  Cheese, maybe cheese and apple?  I have a reasonable sugar replacement now.  It seems a fuss, though what hobby isn't?  I'd like to work the process until I can feed some folk I have been thinking about.  Though this might be tricky.  It would have to be baked there.  I'd want to have made it a goodly number of times... using foreign equipment, even a stove, if you don't know the score, can lead to a pricey pizza night.

Why they don't visit.

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Mood.  Nature.  Perhaps.

New day, same as yesterday.

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Tired, disoriented, minor aches, a shadow headache just off in the distance.  Food might help.  Waking could help if it really didn't do much good yesterday.  It isn't about how I feel, only about what I can do.  No more aspirin for a while.  Food would be best.  Tea.  A bit of time.

Today?  Everything left from yesterday plus putting curtains up in the back 'porch'.  I can't be certain it was ever an actual porch, and even if it was, being reformed, enclosed rigidly, and all, is it still a porch?  I think I can.  But I have wrongly thought that before.  Though, with the whole day before me, I am hoping, while doing the dishes, to do more in the kitchen.  Having the bathroom looking so clean excites me to top off the kitchen.  Then get to the front room, to mostly just top it off.

Heaven knows, but I might be getting somewhere.  I still have an ax hanging over my head, I still have things to do and sort, I still have enemies of all sorts, and I'll still do what I can, starting with one pant leg at a time on to one step at a time.  Actually, I think I will have aspirin.  Much to do and rather behind the eightball.  Later.

No more work.

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No real energy, and other things.  Which is fine for now.  I did make an omelette the Julia Childs way. It worked.  Rememberd from my last attempt?  No more than a teaspoon or nearly two of cheese.  No fresh herbs so I went with a touch of tarragon.  It was... rather plain, if that beats too much much.  I'll work on it.  Yeah, no.  I'll get to it tomorrow.  Just hit a wall.  That wasn't completely unexpected given the last few days, plus months of stress.

I am trying a new sweetner, monkfruit.  Very spendy, even then a blend.  Still cutting sweeteners, just trying new kinds for different applications.  When I have a bit more of a collection together I may do a blood sugar grouping, for a week each, three times a day, then longer term for those which seem to pan out.  Perhaps seeing if cooking makes a difference.  I wonder if, after a bit on low carbs, if most of the alternative sweeteners become carbs as far as the body is concerned.  I know, with regular splenda, it was fine until I really cut carbs.  Then it became worse than sugar.  Yes, I am looking fot near magic bullets.

Not losing weight but size is slipping down fairly quickly.  It's crazy.  I have been more active all givens but I realized I am not eating enough.  I just don't get it, either way.  Ah well.  Later, good night, I'm not sure.

Sometimes it just pops.

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Still a bit rough, and with a major headache off in the near distance, as storm clouds on the horizon while setting out picnic placements.  The idea of a shower really got to me.  So cleaning the tub got top billing.  While I was at it the floor got mopped.  Then the sink got hit.  I haven't had the whole bathroom that clean in quite some time.

The shower is still last on the list.  Dishes, changing bedding, and laundry, oh and trash as well as recycling will go out.  Not what I would rather be doing.  What is to do and by who is left to do it.  I am catching up and keeping up on the cave.  If I can top it off I will begin advertising for help, say five to ten a week,  split betwwen two different days?  That is what I am thinking... depends on the price.  Probably won't start looking until I return from the spring trip.

Better?  I was able to work without aggravating the conditions.  Got it done in nearly a snap at a cheetah's pace, but now will need to idle, maybe nap.  I'll finish the rest today though.  If I can do the unpleasant...  Hop to it Hopsing!  Later.

Fan

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tastic.  The drain cleared.  I have been checking through the morning.  After the third hard endurance test success I called to cancel the routing service.  Tickled, floating on air, all good.  The other worry had been a full septic tank, which wouldn't be a normal concern with just me, however, with the drip, maybe.  Perhaps with the drip gone the tank could drain?  A bit of both?  Pleased.

I slept so well it hurt again.  I suspect that will be happening off and on until I recover.  I really pushed it and while in poor shape.  Though the pain, mostly, as before, dissipates as fog on an otherwise sunny morning.  All good, I think that is more likely why I yet live... if some would rather it otherwise.  Not my problem, or choice, or any choice but God's.  I have learned that more truly than any others, more directly, and taught the only way a thick fool can be taught.  Doubt me?  Of course!  Just don't doubt Father, or test Him.  Amen.

Uhrm, today?  The tub and sink need cleaned.  The dishes, I really want those done, just a few, and bedding and laundry.  I didn't finish the kitchen, but I put a few more dings into the notion.  I won't do more in there though, or not much, not today.  If I can get the rest to zero I can hit the kitchen hard, soon.  If I get all that?  A shower!  Oh, loverly, fantastic, joyous, noun and verb, twas dearly missed!

Partial.

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Success would hold no value if it were easy.  I have found a sediment filter for cold but not hot water.  Oh, they advertise things as under sink, but with inch and an half fittings.  Now THAT'S a sink!  Most others found have at max a top temp of 110(F).  I need much higher.  The easy half is done.  A few calls might pan out, or put the kabosh on the theory.  But not tonight.

Actually, I think I saw my shadow.  Six more hours of sleep?  One can hope.  I do have the sense of having been run over.  On the good side they backed up over me to check, driving over me on their fine way when they realized the situation.  Did I write "good side"?  At least they didn't peel out.  Good night again.

Strange.

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Exactly an hour after the last post, at 19:05, I crashed.  Hurtling toward sleep at a fearsome pace, I suspected there would be pain in there, during though definitely after sleep.  I meant to take aspirin.  That damned collapsing tunnel vision mind vortex ate will and thought.  Which is fine as it works out.  Awake at 23:00 (and some change).

Waking to... solid pain, I just move slowly, attempt to regain focus and poise of first spiritual then mental natures, recalibrating my various x,y,z,and t axes.  If those things can be set up I can then triage.  Today, as usual, recalibration was sufficient to the task.  Pain, if not completely gone, can be contained... no running, jumping, or wrestling bears, the stays are weak.  But there is plenty of room for most else.  That's what I get for hurtling the moon by remaining awake so many hours in my shape.  No choice.  Had to be done.  Got done.  Ugh.

I will begin the returns on the other faucets.  Urhm, once I wake.  Lord knows, that process will be slow and arduous this... day.  If I need and can afford sleep later, I will gladly take it.  What else today?  Not much, until after the drain is cleared.  Not much after even that.  I am in recovery for the next few days.  Then I'll have the kitchen sink and drains all going and can keep up on regular life.  Ugh.

I spoke to him about the en suite.  He suggested changing to plastic piping, as the galvanized is probably the source of problems.  He strongly suggested inline sediment traps, just using flex supply line connections to install under the sink.  So I will get on that.  I can easily do that.  And the faucet, if just on the sink, fails after just a few weeks otherwise.  Yeah, I can do research.  After that, and the routing costs, I'll decide if I can get someone in to mess with the water softener.  I don't think it's working.  Though I will take a look at it again, emptying it down to nubs, myself, first.  If my efforts fail again...  Then I should be back to full optimal operation?  I sure hope.

Late.

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It is how it works.  No fuss though, as three of four goals were managed.  The tub faucet from shot springs no longer drip, the plumbing under the sink has been rightly installed, and not only did he get the faucet installed he used the original so I can return the others.  Meaning I am in the black on the visit.  As well, the UPS driver gladly took the package of paperwork for the mortgage.

The only thing he couldn't manage was the clog.  Or so far.  The stuff he put in might still work.  I called another he suggested for that.  If it doesn't clear overnight the other guy will be here tomorrow afternoon.

Zapped.  At 11:30 I was awake for 24 hours.  It is now 18:05, you'll have to the ma... 31 hours up?  Didn't want to do that.  I'll have to chill a bit, come down, before I can crash.  Pleased.  I was even possibly helpful if probably not the most erudite of conversants.  Aspirin.  I am running on ground to a powder Doom.  Oh?  Yeah.  Not as happily sing a song as that may seem.  Good night.

Awake so long.

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Pain. Neck, shoulders, plus a solid headache, even after a slug of aspirins.  Just.  I have been awake nearly a day.  The plumber will be arriving shortly.  I did a bit more cleaning but thar wasn't the reason I stayed awake.  I knew if I went down when I could have I wouldn't have stirred when he arrived.  I thought about a note, but, no.  It isn't a good time to be pushing.  I simply have no other reasonable option.

I would like to clean up a bit.  Lord knows I need it.  I am airing the place out a bit.  Sure the furnace will belch, which if seemingly wasteful will assist in the aim.  I suppose I could shut it up now.  It's done what it can.  Messy.  Trying to plan and implement those plans while so tired.  Oh, if I can fill out the paperwork and have it ready, then catch the UPS driver, I might not need to go to town.  One can hope.

On to work.  I made quinoa, turned out perfect.  Will try it as a cereal.  Not sure it works that way, will find out shortly.  Good day.  I hope you get your things done.  Later or good night.

The closer to death the closer to her.

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I wasn't the Narrator trying to become Durden.  Just the opposite, after everything fell apart.  I couldn't seem to die.  No one near me could remain alive.  I burned myself with a cigar, but I ate the lye.  If you wonder why I doubt I am human... find any one else who ate half a cup of the stuff and even lived.  Yeah.  I was trying to forget, or the rest of it, not intending to become something special.  Well, since death was being such a fair weather friend.  I have forgotten most of it, save the recent rent about to be mended.

Everything is off.

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Heat?  As spring approaches, so it seems, it is really warm.  Certainly for this time of year.  I can't seem to hold a schedule, sleep as well or as deeply, or else. It's an ugly moment, probably won't be better until it stabilizes into summer.  Though, maybe, sometimes, the wave is smoother.  Ah, meds too.  Just a bit more is hammering me.  I wonder what would happen if a normal took it?

I was a bit worried as to whether the other faucet woul arrive. It did, as did paperwork for home refinance.  I have to do that today and turn it in tomorrow.  It didn't arrive on time today.  Ugh.  Getting it in early tomorrow will be a trick.  The plumber is coming sort of early and will be here a bit.  Not sure I can be awake early enough.  Heck, worried about being awake for him!

At least, with food made ahead, that isn't constantly being tripped over.  Though I suspect some part of my problem, while it may not seem so, is not eating enough.  That shuts down the engines and wants everything turned into fat.  The trick is figuring out how much to eat to just keep as much lit as possible, but also given my conditions.  With the bad heart I can only run at a partial burn, inconsistently, and not always the same engines.  Though, whatever else?  My organs haven't been hurting regularly.  The other day was a rare event and of a singular area or organ.  Weeks, a month, more, since my internals were troubling, and that last was some sort of illness, perhaps an infection, not my usual.

As is I can only do what I can.  Today?  Finishing the kitchen, doing all dishes by the end of the day, topping off tea jugs, touching off the bathroom, and doing laundry?  Well, in theory.  It isn't all that much, but for me, today, it is a brutal lot.  I will focus on the main things for plumber facilitation, then hit what else as able.  I'll need to be cautious with the wash.  While it is an high efficiency, it might flood the bathroom...  Careful!

Hmm?  Ah, a bite, medicine, waking time.  I'll need to wash body and hair too. Ugh.  Later.

Yesterday and today.

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I did a few things yesterday.  I cooked another package of bacon, for use with salads and as a snack.  I'd best watch snaking or it will be gone before any other use.  As well I made the grated cauliflower pizza.  Actually?  That was really good.  I am buying smaller cans of lower carb diced tomatoes, with nothing added.  Along with tomato paste (from a tube so the can isn't wasted), perhaps chopped onion and/or garlic, spices of my choosing, I can really go to town or go easy.  I need to find anchovy tubes as well, thinking about it all.  You want umami?  Anchovies.  Italian's love their little fish to add richness, a meatier taste, and that... something else.  The culinary parallel to the stinky additive that separates good perfume from exquisite.

Hmm?  Oh, the crust was two(ish) cups grated cauliflower, a large egg, and about a cup of cheddar and monteray jack mix... I thought that would bind better than the cheddar alone.  Combined well, formed as a circle, then baked for twenty minutes.  Then cooled while I put the sauce together.  On top, bigger mushroom steaks, raw spinach, sausage crumble from yesterday, and cheddar.  Good?  No, I'd honestly call that great.

I suppose seeing worse is for a reason.

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A dream, as an observer.  A kid with some sort of mental retardation was the focus born to a war widow in WW II, by what I could tell.  He was doing well enough, if things had remained as they were he would have been ready when he grew up.  But then his mother died.  There ended being three choices, a decision he didn't get to make.

He had grandparents, on her side.  They didn't care for the boy.  It wasn't his condition, they didn't want the fuss.  The retardation was simply an excuse.  They would be hard on the boy, brutal, worse.  I realize now, as I see in the hearts of those around me in real life I also see as such in my dreams.  I wouldn't call it a gift.  Though something about that?  I don't need to be near, and I see other things.  Might have started with INFJ, if I doubt even that.  Either way, it certainly doesn't stop there.