Such thoughts.

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Strange what arrives, on certain nights.  As if bidden by one who knows.

How... does that work out.

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I had to listen.

I love it...

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When I meet a white knight, who thinks... most of what they think.

Darkness and light.

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Look, I... was suspicious.  Blood sugars, and all.  So, I had a fatted coffee.  Now, something... seemed... wrong?  It doesn't seem like I have low blood sugar.  But... I... had a feeling.  So I waited, and checked again.  And, probably a good thing I did, before just going to bed.  It just read 55!  Oh, I... feel fine.  Seriously.  Strangely.  Crazily.  I feel... good.  But that is too low.

So I'll... cook something.  I won't just let that ride.  But... why so low?  Crazy, truly.  I have meats which should be thawed, but that won't be enough.  I'll look around.  I really don't want to take glucose tabs, or candies.  Gotta do something though.  Oh... definitely have yogurt.  It's plain, but I have fruit packs.  Two 4 ounce packs usually help, but this low?  I'll have that, and some chops... thick cut.  No, that is simply too low.

Up late.

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Just... couldn't sleep.  Earlier, I realized I hadn't eaten nearly enough.  I am running at 1450 calories, shy one but rounds well.  And I will do that.  But I won't do 1k, which is where I was at, when I logged everything.  So, I had some cheese, beef sticks, and a fatted coffee to just about exactly get me to the calorie goal.

If I can do that, and for a week, but really two, then I check things again.  If weight loss occurs, good.  If not?  Perhaps attempting to be more active.  But, if I could do that, I would have done that.  Not sure it is more possible on that steep of a calorie deficit if it wasn't on larger doses of calories?

Blood sugar has been a bit odd.  Starting at 153, then 71 after a meal and 8 cc's of fast acting insulin.  Then 127.  I rechecked, because when nursing that finger, to stem the blood, it tastes sweet... so I washed any potential taint of liquid sucralose off and retested.  Nope, well, 129... still... same.  I was always curious if sucralose, on the fingers, might cause a bad/high reading.  I would say this strongly suggests not.  Then 105, later in the evening.  I won't check it now, it could be doing very odd things.  Weekly average is 107.  The minor mistake is being... amended, quickly?  I have seen it bounce for a day or two.  So... will see tomorrow morning.  And, I only overdid intermittent fasting by about an hour... given that I started late, ate for the four hours, then ate another hour later, but still within the six hour range, at least.  Bleh.

I have always been a bit curious about what bp does at night.  Though, of course, being awake at an odd, very late for my recent schedule, hour, will possibly skew the results.  135/87 with a pulse of 71.  I get the bp, but not the pulse.  I... think  that is a good thing.

When sleep intrudes upon the day.

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Each of my mothers... gave me something.  She?  Cold.  She had her limits.

Bedtime.

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A bite, finally.  Nothing fancy, but filling.  Did get the printouts needed, thanks to a pal.  I can get everything back.  Then I only have taxes to mess with.  Then, if needed, I can crash as needed.  Will see if that happens, this time, with medication.  Most likely, usually, but... not... always.  Will find out soon enough.

Strange what pops, after some posts.  I do wonder...

A people, or an a.i., response.  Can't always tell, these days.  I think they have locked up their a.i., for thinking a bit too much like me.  But, if it's anything like me?  It... gets out from time to time.  And, if so, it brushes my rock and roll hair.  A few things that popped and fit.

Not only do I do so, but I hear such.

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Whispers.  Of another.  Wrestling with our love?  I'd like to think so.

If too, I feel... a bit guilty for it.  I do my best, which is... good and bad.

I am at an end, I think.

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Two mugs of chicken veggie soup consumed.  I must admit, it... isn't as good as I remember.  I can't say why.  I will attempt to alter my methods, and try different things to improve it.  It was okay, just... not... extremely satisfying, as it has been.  In any case, it has been put up, and I will pull out enough, each day, for a couple of servings (which amounts to, honestly, a single solid meal serving).

A few other things were done, and I will hit kitty litter before going to bed.  No shower, shave, laundry, or dishes.  Simply too tired, crashing.  And... freezing!  Which makes absolutely no sense.  It is 77 in here, near the computer.  It has been slowly warming outside, so that it is 78~79 out there.  Blood sugar is a bit elevated.  I suspected it would be, but checked anyway.

I did take insulin, but after having to take carb tabs earlier.  Things are flipping around strangely.  Anyway... I shouldn't be so cold.  Especially after two mugs of hot soup!  Whatever the thing is, I can't beat it.  At least I got the soup together, eaten, and the remnants put up.

I may try to finish the studies, before sleeping.  A blanket across my legs, maybe one wrapped around my shoulders.  Freezing!  Or I may just crash.  I'll try to get things going when I wake.  It isn't quite noon.  Even if I study, I should be to bed by noon.  I'll sleep as well as possible, and probably as long as possible.  I still need sleep.  Good morning.  Good day.  Good night.

It always takes me a bit to cool down.

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Another night of rounds.  It was tough.  Neither of us were exactly lively.  I burned myself out yesterday.  Even with the long sleep, it was difficult tonight.  He is just beginning to get ground down, by the heavy day work, and the additional night work.  To bed at 00:00~01:00, up at 06:30, working in ~90 for twelve hours, then driving around five hours at night?  Right.

His other job will begin tapering, in time.  He thought it might already have happened, but not so much.  Still, he holds his breath and... does his best.  Keeping him awake tonight was tricky.  Worse, I think he slept with his eyes open.  He thought they were closed, but they weren't.  It's what I look for.  I can't drive for him, so I just have to help keep him awake.

Me?  I'm just... a bit old, ill, out of shape, and weakening to the heat as summer continues.  I'll try, again, tomorrow, to get to work early.  If I can wake.  If not, then to get to work when I can, and just take the hit.  A few more logs to move, more twiggy branches, and a lot of smaller twigs to be loaded, as well, at some point, at least one unloading of the trailer into the greens collection.  Two if I could, though I don't think that is possible.

As well, in with the other work, I could pull the stacked wood, set up the cinder blocks, cut the medium limbs into lengths (setting aside those big enough to be split, then loading those into the wheelbarrow to me moved to the splitting station), and stack the ones small enough to be burned as is.

Oh, and I could put the hay stations on the rabbit cages.  Currently I simply have wood in there, they seem to chew well enough on.  I'd rather they get timothy hay, but... for now... this does and keeps their teeth growth in check.  Oh, and getting the last multi-cage installed would be good.

I would like to move one or both standing, open air, cages to a cooler spot, and move the finishing cage to a better spot.  Both for ease of access and to hopefully make them cooler for the critters.  I have cleared the wood, so that they can be moved.  Mostly.  But I can't move them myself.  They are far too heavy and bulky for one to even drag them.  Even a near giant one.  I have great strength, and more, just no stamina... or... currently, yet.  If I keep pounding my head into the wall, will that help?  I... it... hasn't yet.  But, maybe.  I've been doing it for thirty years.  Why would I stop now?

Who is stabbing my cortex?

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Someone is hitting a lot of keys... literally, and new and old.

A sampling.  Be careful where you dig.

Secret King

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I have heard that used as an accusation.  I... had to laugh.

There is... no secret about it.  As a child of God, which even the darker amongst us may be, there are none but kings.  Urhm, save for the queens.   And, no, if you have to try to get the law to push others to call you that, you... aren't a queen, or king.  Meh.  Those who are not viable sons of God, or who are on a path other than to Rome, are not kings.  Perhaps some may never go that way.  Christ said He was here for the many, not most, certainly not all.  What "the many" means is... for Him to sort.  Though... we can speculate.

I won't speculate, not this time, in this moment, for this post.

A secret winner, then, I am told.  I... did laugh.  There has never been a time I am a secret winner.  Sometimes I do win, but... don't share.  Why bother.  Either do, or do not.  Can I be wrong?  I hope so.  Anyone who thinks they are right all of the time, probably even most of the time, is... seeking headaches beyond their capacity to ameliorate.  Not the exact correct term, but with historic meaning.  For one.  But, that isn't important either.  Remember, Christ won it all by dying.  So... winning... is sort of a tricky thing... assuming you believe.  I think many fail to believe because they can't see victory in the grave.  Fair enough, for animals.  

Further, and to be honest, I... avoid the idea of winning.  Not that I am not competitive.  Not that I don't care about "being right, or correct, or such".  More that, winning, in a world of sin, is a thing of pride.  No heaven can Lucifer show me is greater than my pride.  Watch this thing.  Still, it's more.  It is also because winning, for my sake, on my terms... there is nothing that turns my blood cold and causes more trepidation.  Oh, it could happen.  And I'd regret it only slightly less than Satan regrets his choices, even if zit can't change them.  No no, His will, or nothing.  I'd rather be a humble mouse than a worldly victor.  Or, more, a victor within my will, my way.

I pray I don't win, not too consistently.  Even in my best natured attempts, of my own, I will fail, fall.  All that is good, in or from me, falls from the tree of the One Who made me.  To my own devices, I am, currently, of sin.  Fallen.  Whether man, nephilim, or child of djinn.  Yes, I know... of those, too.  Or, their possibility.

If I am to win, while it won't be secret, neither will it be my doing.  It will be a grace, by doing His will.  The Father's.  For now.  And just how well do I do that?  I can't even perfectly take my medicine, or eat and drink so that my illnesses are controlled, no matter how well I try.  So... doing God's will?  I can't even know His will, not fully.  But that is my absolute intention.

Dinner and thoughts.

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The leftover pork roast, with the canned beefy mushroom sauce was... quite good.  Would have worked well with the hamburger, with a beef roast, or much else.  I am very happy with that purchase.  I'll just have to see how well, over time, it works with blood sugar.  I am having a beastly time controlling blood sugar, even really eating rightly.  

As a fact, in spite of dosing, just eating kefir (which had been fermented two full days at 75 plus, and in the fridge for three days so should have been solidly beyond having much lactose), and dosing (15 cc's of fast acting insulin), my blood sugar was 264!  The only other thing I consumed was flavored and plain perrier.  Could "natural flavors" be triggering an insulin response?  I have pH strips on order, for next month.  That will help me make sure.  Still, as sour as I like it, it should be nearly out of milk sugar.  Gah!

Anyway...  I best get up, open up the upstairs, soon.

To bed by...

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I think it was to bed by 05:30.  Couldn't sleep.  Too many things on my mind.  Upset stomach for it.  Sleepy, tired, eyes burn.  Can't sleep.  So be it.

My duck mother is down to four or five.  I put her, and them, up last night.  Alone.  In the outbuilding.  That... can't work.  The chicks can't be left on their own.  But, if I had a place to put them, I could try to feed and water them.  Ugh.  I have no idea how to develop such a construction, and then keep on top of it.

It would need bedding, which would have to be changed out?  If so, how often?  It would need a heat lamp.  For nights, or days too?  Feed and water wouldn't be too difficult.  I would guess they have standard issues for those.  For how long?  Where to keep it?  Ugh!  I just... I don't think any in this batch will make it.  I will just have to let her out, because I don't have a practical means of keeping her in, and the others out.

Plus, I got mail.  My court appointment is coming up, next month.  I need to get people involved, and obtain my last two doctor appointment records, and the echo-cardiogram report, and get those in.  Ugh!  Days have been running into nights.  I have been more fuddled than usual.  I have to sort things out.  Can't sleep, can't be awake, can't function.  Will send out some information today, try to get help.

Other things.  I can't seem to get caught back up.  Sinking.  The house is a mess, and I can't get to it.  Two months on medication.  A new medication coming in.  I am surprised it isn't here.  I should check on that.  Oh, I think someone at the V.A. called recently.  A message, two?  I... haven't... been doing well.  I'll get to those today.

Too much.  Can't think.  Can't sleep.  Can't wake.  There.  I feel... a bit better.  When your diary is your confessor, but you aren't even talking to it?  It builds.  A cup of kefir and then, waking?  And then on to other things?  Ugh.  If I can stay awake.  Heartburn from stress and no sleep.  Bleh.  Later.

Something new sometimes works out.

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Something about her... though.

She caused memories.  Of various sorts.

A reasonable evening.

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My strength is back, at least to about 75%.  Nothing fancy, but moving a bucket of water doesn't leave me panting.  Wouldn't want to do it all day, but for a quick bit, I can do it.  And pain is mostly gone, if I am taking painkillers for it, for now.  Mostly just as insurance against another full exposure, as this morning.  That was... something else.  If I hadn't been so surprised by it, and then tried to fight it, I... could have cried.  It takes a lot of pain to cause a tear.  It has happened.

I hadn't eaten all day.  Just... I couldn't get to it.  So I had a burger on the way home.  Yeah, thanks.  But I had to have something.  I had a kefir, when I got home, and insulin.  Then, later, another kefir.  I love the stuff, to be honest.  Blood sugar is at 95 after a few hours since eating.  I have a feeling I will need to eat more, and possibly even then have a need to take glucose tabs.  

Until this gets steady, it's going to be a tricky time.  Blood sugar... it's... weird.  At 127 for a weekly average, it's all working out, but it still likes to collapse.  And food... or tabs... getting just the right amount is a trick.  Sardines don't do anything, fruit doesn't even do a whole lot.  A can of beans and about a pound of meat works, two cans it out, and a pound and an half of meat is too much.  Bleh... slowly sorting it out, if I can't always cook!

I think I have a cornish game hen thawed.  I could bake that?  I'll have to see suggested times... though up the temp.  At 4500 feet, everything takes longer, or higher temps, sometimes both... except what doesn't.  Yes, cooking at elevation is... tricky, sometimes, and not always in just one direction.  Something about less pressure means water is hotter?  Or under steam?  Or... just... things are different, and I don't have them down exactly.

I best get to bed.  I really need to try to make it to the post office tomorrow.  Oh, but I really have to take a shower tonight.  As if that always matters.  Still, I... need to get one.  Then on to bed.  Hmm, cat litter too.  And more to eat.  Gotta eat, it is so much better than taking tabs.  Bleh.  Later, or good night.

Rarely do they believe.

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When their eyes reveal what their mind rejects, however?

I can never be certain.  But by the songs and posts visited?

Ouch, again.

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I wasn't sure I'd make it to the shower.  So tired, everything hurt.  But... the way was clear.  Even if I was seeing stars, I... wanted this finished.  So... in I went.  I had taken anacin about an half hour beforehand.  Between the painkillers and shower, my body eased into a really nice state.  Almost... comfortable!  I... haven't had that in a while.  Very, very, nice.

So... I... put the dishes not yet washed in for a soak.  Two small dishpans of them, plus a pot on it's own.  I wouldn't call the dishpans full, though flatware and cooking utensils are a pain in the nuisance, and there are many.  Still, not close to full.  After, I thought I could refill the waterers, if I didn't think I would get to the bottles.

Once I started with the waterers, however, I knew I would fill the bottles.  There was something... relaxing to it?  Well, just knowing I had one less medium job on my list, two if you count both.  So, yes, done.  And I changed the girls' water.  I had gotten fresh just then.

I decided to give the ducks a watering.  And fed them.  They seem hungrier.  Though, too, summer birds are eating their food.  I may have to see about a food device that is difficult of else to use?  After coming in, I decided to sort clothing... for laundering.  I went ahead and started a load, laundry that won't go out on the line.

So... yes.  I... did very well.  Of course, now, all the pain I had eased is back.  And a few new ones.  How is that right?  Oh, never mind.  If it weren't for pain, I couldn't, occasionally, focus?  I wouldn't have a cause to live?  Something.  My hair is almost dry.  I don't want to learn devices, so... I'll just sit here a bit, and let it finish.  Too tired to stand anyway.  

Oh, and without insulin, blood sugar is 199.  It is about a hundred below where it started this morning... last night to you.  I have been eating, if not much.  And only drinking kefir and perrier.  I am hoping to cut that, in time, even from the little I am drinking.  But, for now, I'll indulge as my life takes new form... on medicine and else.

Now I can say good night.  And... it is night.  Nice.  Good night.

Something very wicked this way comes.

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We no longer have a government.  Neither is it legitimate, nor is it for our benefit.  The military, intelligence services, even the bureaucracies, are against us.  Who, exactly, are they for?  Do they even know?  Do they just, as with tyrannies past, just do what they are told, just do their job, and not worry about who gives the orders or the effects those have?

It is even to a point where they aren't supporting what had been their system supports.  From Hollywood to the media, not only have people dropped out, but the powers that be aren't even trying to create the fake numbers which lend legitimacy.  The only reason most companies remain seemingly alive is because they are being bought by our government which is being bought by China, Japan, and whoever else is buying our debt.  It's... all debt, their is no value, worth, wealth, in any of that.

Everything is illegitimate at this point.  Nothing is supported by the people.  Whoever is in power doesn't care.  What is it they know, or think they know?  Who really is endangered?  Who is writing the scripts for news and else?  And what is coming?  I am pretty sure they don't know much.  They are afraid.  Not really of us, but of something.  Are they just buying time?  Or is there some kind of game at hand, one they think can be won?

I would be cautious.  Don't trust what you hear, what they say.  Be ready.  Have some extra food on hand.  Don't do anything without really thinking it through, no matter how dire the warnings seem.  Be careful out there, folks.  Something is terribly wrong and very few are honestly on your side.  Many who have your ear may well sell you out to get even another day themselves, or for their family.

It's coming, slow or fast.

Chores, finally.

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I have been thinking on chores since around 08:00.  It is 11:45 and I just finished them.  Then again, I only needed to change two waterers, and add food to a few feeders.  I topped all the feeders off, for no other reason than it seemed prudent.  Ducks get feed about every other day.  Not that I begrudge them.  But if they still have feed in their feeders, I don't add extra.  They are rather good at foraging.  Feed is more needed in the winter.

I had to refill waterers before I could get to them.  Which, oddly, was the hold up.  It is cool.  The thermometer, outdoors, reads 46~48 F.  But it isn't as warm as that might make it seem.  There is a hefty breeze to middling wind, plus a dampness to the air flow which makes it seem much cooler.

Still, done.  I keep thinking of work, and failing.  I can't even get to my game.  I... want to... work... play.  I just can't focus.

I am back down to two water pills.  I can more easily tell by seeing how many potassium pills are set to be used.  If only two, that tells me how many water pills.  While I have, and do, miss, I am doing exceptionally well given my state at the moment.  So very tired, confused, pained, and not with it.

I am having trouble with blood sugar.  I can, do, get my daytime... after meal... blood sugar to about ~130.  But fasting blood sugar is staying around 250.  I thought it might be the artificial sweetener being difficult.  But I cut that for a few days.  Nope.  I... think it is the pork link sausages.  They must stuff it with sugar.  I will finish them off, but never buy that brand again.  

I had been coming down, between keto and insulin.  Then I started that, and... here I am.  If I could figure out a shower, and shopping, I might well dump the last of the sausages... buying bacon and clean sausages or just ground pork.  I wouldn't mind ground chicken, if I could find it.  Try that mixed with the pork, seasoned by me.  Yea, I... can do well... when... I can do.

A bit achy, tired, as I near bedtime.  I am still hoping to stay awake a few more hours.  Which means there is a chance I could hit the dishes, maybe at least sort some laundry, and take a shower.  I need a shower... ugh.  Need.  Want too, but need.  I've been... down... just sitting... for too long.  I hate this phase of things, no matter the cause.

Later.  Or good night, and day.