Such strange dreams.

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The one most understood was the dream most recent.  But the subject was simple.  Death.  Or more correctly, shortly after.  It is if I was waking normally, but... there was no pain.  How long has it been?  I am so used to a significant level of it that I don't notice the majority of it unless I push, or try new meds, or fall off, then begin them again.

Often it feels as if I am tied into some contraption from the Saw movies.  Only it's purpose isn't to kill.  It's job is too cause excruciating pain.  The receiver never knows why, or when, or even how.  Trying not to move makes it worse.  Not moving, being active, enough can bring horrid waves of pain.  Just sleeping beyond some variable need hurts, though sometimes the sleep is needed but still hurts.  Anything to alleviate may work, for a while.  But other than heart medicine, when I can handle, and remember, it, has eventually proven to be short term or a placebo affect.

So waking to no pain was... amazing.  I checked, prodded the usual areas.  Kidneys.  I hear people who stutter dream of speaking normally.  They can sing without stuttering.  I guess I understand that a bit better now.  I didn't question it, though, at some point, I understood it was a dream.  In a way, that knowledge turned it into a nightmare.  Still, I... held onto the moments.
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The first dream was about commerce?  I'm not exactly sure how it would be termed.  The making and selling of products.  I imagined all of the things made, so much of which is never sold.  From bubble gum to soda to... shoes.  What do they do with the warehouses of items no one buys?

Recycling has proven a fiction.  Much of it is sent overseas.  When China was taking it, even they knew it's actual worth, thus dumped most of it in the ocean, so Mrs. Soccer Mom could feel good about her hyper consumer life.  Mr. Soccer Dad doesn't care, as long as he gets what he needs and some of his wants without too many questions.

It was a gross dream.  So much waste.  It is as if, most of it being unhealthy and inferior, as if someone is willing to lose fortunes to entice people to eat poorly, live unwisely?  Even the biproducts, poisonous ones like fluoride are turned into water additives and dental care.  Remember when doctors would recommend brands of cigarettes as being healthy?  Fluoride is that, and worse, for dentists and water distributers.

It was a horrendously busy, loud, dirty, ugly, dream.  The wilds are mean hard places to scratch out a living.  But this level of modern living, "civilization" (is this really civilization?), I...  Grubs would be better.  There is no good, right, way back.  Oh, I get the Uni-bomber.  But that isn't the way.  Surrender?  How about live as rightly as you are able.  And have some faith.  We can't change... much.  Our own mind, bent as well as we are able to God's will?  Humblingly fumbly?  Yes.

I have only seen one revolution do it correctly.  And that only lasted a few hundred years.  It has become Rome.  And will remain that way until it becomes Great Britain, then, quite possibly, England alone.  Thankfully her island cohabitents can't produce more children, especially now with muhammad being in the top ten boys' names.  Although, that also means their future isn't their own.  --  The first men of England were also mostly wiped out by invaders.  I wonder if those were welcomed as well?  I guess they are paying their dues?  It won't change history, or repair anything.  Same with America.  As one of the dying, I can tell you suicide, personally or civilly, isn't the way.  Not much I can do though.
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As the systems crash.

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It is looking more like SS disability is going to be denied.  Whether it is Utah, or even Trump, pushing for cuts or employment increases, bureaucrats attacking vets or marginal Trump supporters, or taking ss numbers and files to give to illegals... it is looking like a done deal.

No, "conservative" politicians aren't on our side.  The big money comes from big biz, and they want slave labor... and get it.  One of the things they do for their slaves is make sure bureaucrats offer them SS, and other government benefits, so they can pay slave labor wages, often with stolen id's.  I know they were helping one get to work using my numbers, plus probably gave the last half year I didn't receive, to someone else.  Had the balls to send me the paperwork stating so.  They don't care if it is stolen from an American.  I think they target vets, for many reasons.  Rome did similarly, when real money became so scarce it couldn't be further stretched... or printed.

I will try to figure out how to live here.  It may not be possible.  Too many things need done and there simply isn't enough coin to be frugal enough to do what is needed.  Just replacing a window is scary.  A furnace replacement?  A loan, but, that digs into what I don't have.  I think that ate the previous owners.  Loans and/or work needed?

No, I think it is best to clear out, then try to sell.  Then be looking for a very modest place to live on little.  "Owning" is dangerous... buying that is.  But renting is very dangerous.  Increased rates, ending the contract, lack of care.  There are places I could buy a home for what I might get out of a sale.  But they are places I couldn't or wouldn't, or both, live.

Iowa is an example.  Too hot, too cold, and too left.  They just sent a man to prison for sixteen years for burning a queer flag.  They won't even talk to people who burn the US flag!  No, Iowa wouldn't work.  Nor Alaska.  I'm not sure about Idaho, Montana, or Wyoming.  Possible.  But... to find a clean, Christian, small town.

Yeah.  I have a lot of cleaning and clearing.  I itched to start tonight.  It... I just couldn't start quite yet.  My muscles ached for it, my hands wanted to dig in.  Just going through things will be a chore.  I will keep things that are useful, can help a more frugal life.  Much will go.  Most of it.  Even being winter, I will get an industrial bin as soon as I get half a room of boxes to go.  I have moving boxes for what will be kept.

Ugh.  A shower and cleaning the bathroom.  Then a load of laundry?  I... can't stand.  Not tonight.  Probably.

Why can't they just let me rest?  So tired, confused.

Gaming.

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It has been what I can do.  A struggle at that.  If it weren't for gaming, I would sleep more.  As is, tonight, it looks like it is time for bed again.  I want to work.  Barring that I would like to play.  I will try, but I am so absolutely, uncontrollably, and terribly tired that I probably don't have a choice.

I have been playing Resident Evil 2 Remake.  I rarely played the originals.  Controls were mushy, logic was wonky, too many horror games (and movies) require a chosen level of stupidity (and/or greed, lust, etc).  Premised that way, they aren't fun (to me).  Being a horror aficionado, however, when I see something in the mixed genre being offered, and inexpensively, I will take the risk.

The game is an excellent player.  But when trying to flesh out the final ends, it fails.  One of the trophies refuses to pop.  I am calling it a glitch, as I have gotten every other trophy, and tried this every way suggested.  Broken, at least on my machine.  As well, getting the fastest times, so as to get bonus equipment, has proven impossible.  I suspect those to be broken.  Then I saw it.  They sell what you are supposed to be able to earn in-game.  They want the money, so broke rng (random number generator) so that if you want it, you have to buy it.

You will see people do it online.  Probably tools given special versions.  Though the pc and ps4 pro to a lesser extent have hacks built into them, I personally don't think that would be enough.  I am going to shelve that game shortly.  I'd like to tinker with the extras a bit more.  What game next?  Or, maybe, I have to sleep for a week or month first.  Later.

Christmas has snuck up on me.

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I lost the date in there.  I actually put Christmas and a few other holidays on my digital calendar, if they get wiped when I update.  I guess I didn't update this last year?  Must not have.  Even so, I am in such a state that it doesn't make sense, alarms and warnings.  It is that time already?

The ducks, first thing.  They had pecked through the ice, which was an inch thick.  At least they had been able to dig through.  I watered them this morning.  Midmorning or early afternoon?  Actually probably between six and seven.  About when I crashed?  Memory has been bad lately.

Up at 16:30, give or take an quarter hour.  Everything hurts, but more softly.  I forgot the slow acting insulin last night.  Oddly, my fasting blood sugar is 151 so about 70 points lower.  That doesn't make sense.  I think that stuff only works on a very regulated eating schedule.  Fasting causes it to raise blood sugar.  Just a missed meal, or one with too few carbs?  I haven't fully figured it out.  As I haven't figured out what to do about Christmas.  Not sure if I can do much.  I may well forget before I fully wake.  A price of being the living mostly dead.  Then again, I can't be sure I have been taking medicines correctly.  I may go back to logging food and insulin.  I just... can't... remember.

Odd, but the girls didn't visit today.  It was up to 59° upstairs, the warmest it has been in a week or three?  Yea, I wake.  Sometimes I sleep as the dead, but... something remains aware.  Though, perhaps, the girls just know how to wake me, or leave me asleep.  Many of my women knew how to do both.  Most of them loved to watch me sleep.  Okay, I get the creep factor in that, thinking on it.  If, from the viewer's side, there is something innocent, peaceful, about a sleeping woman.

Later.

Just can't get to it.

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Tired.  And everything hurts.  Titrating to my dose, about half way there if plans continue.  Actually a third of the way, but the last portion is the easiest.  Blood sugar is odd.  It has been in the two hundreds, 220 fasting today.  I have been dosing up, but cautiously.  This isn't diet.  It is organs reacting to potent meds.  Too much insulin at just the wrong time and death would be easy.

As is, my dose dropped blood sugar to 114.  I really have to be careful.  A normal dose, 8 cc's, with a second meal.  In an hour I will test, and have a fatted coffee, with or without a final dose.  I was unsure whether to dose again, after that, or not.  I was beginning to think my sweetener had been sabotaged.  Nope.  And I am eating right, so it's just the body acting up even more than usual.

Ducks are fed and watered.  Raised quite a squawk when I stepped out.  At 10° F, their water was nearly frozen through.  I like to catch it with some liquid, as this time, it makes it easier to empty and wash out a bit.  They were pleased as punch.  After them, the cats got fed.  I am feeding the girls much less, but it is paying off.  Sassy can now get the spot that troubled her.  And she just looks better.  She will never be skinny, but she doesn't have to be rotund.  I'd love her anyway, but that would be on me.

I asked Vox, Populi not the lib Cali thing, if I could comment again.  I've been reading nearly daily.  I offered no promises but suggested my life, intent, has changed.  Mostly it would be to ask questions.  Sources for topics, or specific information questions, as opposed to rhetorical questions or other non-question questions.  It seems that is acceptable.  I don't always agree, but he and the ilk are... valuable.  I sometimes consider myself Guts to his Griffith, from Berserk.  Not always a pleasant notion, perhaps incorrect.  If true, a fated thing?  When I remember, I'll add his link.  But... which section?

Oh well.

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I was up until 13:30.  The ducks were watered twice.  It was up to 20° F, I believe when watering them the final time at around 13:00.  Lately that is to be considered warm.  I woke at almost 19:00, but was able to go back to sleep until 21:00, maybe a bit later.  Not much since then, or yesterday.

I did slow cook the pork shoulder, and get it refrigerated.  I need to shred it tonight.  Hopefully get to the list of chores too.  Just a shower, trim, bathroom cleaning, and a single load of laundry would do.  Well, and the pork.  Some to be refrigerated, some to be packaged and frozen... in parcels just large enough for two or three smaller servings.

A salad and homemade ranch dressing as breakfast.  I'd like to make a small blue cheese dressing.  It's my favorite, but so rich I eat it lightly are rarely.  Roquefort?  Gorgonzola?  Standard blue?  I ought to experiment.  I should warm some pork and have a bite of that, and turn the furnace up while at it.  Hungry and cold is no way to get things done.  Later.

A curse or a blessing?

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I can never tell.  I... enjoyed, agree.  I can see how it might be a judgment, or an acknowledgment in the positive.

Someone got it wrong.

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Lonely?  Sure.  Even... wishing to be frisky.  But... not.  If I could find a woman to marry, then, you bet.  Dying?  Yea, but it doesn't matter.  Interested in women?  Sure.  Seriously, I won't risk my soul for a bit of sex.  I quit screwing around a long time ago.  Oh, it's on my mind.  Women are terribly attractive creatures.  Chunky or thin, to points... tall, short, simple, gorgeous, curved, or less, women make me sweat.

All is well, and awake, at 19:00.

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Quite a sleep.  I believe I was to bed around eight, give or take an hour either way?  I woke several times, with the intention of waking.  It simply wasn't possible until now.  Innards feel as if I have been run over.  Muscles are tired.  Blood sugar is 200 but I have been eating rightly, and dosing correctly.  The high up there was 47°.  The low was 42°. Might have been part of it?  Maybe, but not all of it.

Dreamed of all the types of panties I have seen women get into and out of through the years.  It wasn't an erotic dream, more like accounting?  Well, not... that boring.  Some women wore perfectly formed garments.  A woman's shape really explains much, and even skinny women, my usual save one out of curiosity... two actually, have very different forms.  A strange but fascinating dream.  From it I remembered a few women I had forgotten.  I have asked forgiveness, and received it.  Plus been celibate for right at fifteen years now.  I would much rather have a wife, but they are more interested in hooking up.  I'm done with that.

A bit of waking, then a shower, trim, and maybe a shave.  If possible, back to the bathroom.  It is still rather clean.  But a quick sweep and mop, after cleaning the toilet.  Then to work in the kitchen, setting up dishes, and maybe a load of laundry?  I might get... even to where I was, and a few steps beyond.  The goal is the whole kitchen this week.  I will be sacking food for the pantry.  Canned meats I tried but simply can't use.  They require bread.  Though some, like a newer type of canned tuna, just aren't edible, as I use them.  That will open space for canned veggies and fruits I do use.

Yes, the bathroom, laundry, kitchen, and dishes, by Friday.  That is the plan.  Possible, even in my state.  No guarantees.  Oh, the girls are letting me know they are hungry.  And I will reset the duck water, and put some feed in.  I have a final dose of that roast, but need to heat a veggie with it.  Oh, and thaw more meats.  I have a pork butt thawed.  It was on a far less than half price sale, so I bought two huge cuts at a buck a pound, if still spendy.  That will get grilled.  Should start it now, leave it go until... it's done.

Later.

Definitely cold.

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At one time, negative twenty to forty °F was doable, easily.  Then again, pj's and flip-flops, even with wool socks and a jacket isn't exactly dressing for success.  I have boots, just thought... shouldn't think.  Still, a temperature plunge is probably good for the body occasionally?  Well, and it can be thrilling.

Ducks were fed and watered.  Their water from yesterday was completely frozen, as expected.  I have learned how to get that block out without, this year so far, breaking a trough.  Having two in circulation makes life easier.  More would only get in the way.  A few in deep reserve is wise, as these will eventually break.

Meds are in.  Blood sugar is still high.  I remember now.  I suspect heart medicine of interfering with insulin.  I suspect it does.  More as I start and increase the dose, but generally and from time to time it spikes it.  I am not sure if it is a chemical thing or biological thing, such as forcing blood out of organs like the lungs, where blood might become somehow sugared... or perhaps the medicine suppresses kidney and/or liver function?  Though I believe I will pass on the store brand of unsweetened fruit.  My old brand works.  It costs twice as much.  But having fruit occasionally, without messing up blood sugar, is great.

I am trying to stretch the day out, have, but am losing cohesion.  Good night.

Popped right on the hour.

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Plus a few just because.  New and old.

Crashed.

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Shortly after that last post.  Went down hard.  Perhaps the cold got to me, maybe it was just stress relief from having the paperwork out and off.  I can't be sure when I went down.  Probably between 18:00 and 20:00, if I am guessing earlier.  Maybe before.  I woke at dark noon thirty.  No choice on either side.  I actually wanted to stay awake, and then I wanted to remain in bed.  No choice at all.

A bit of a headache, and general aches and pains.  Mostly on the milder side.  Too warm, oddly, all day.  Blood sugar is down some, to 169.  Very strange.  Sleep being off, stress, it all adds up.  That beef was sure good.  I had almost forgotten how good good beef truly is.  I was beginning to wonder if I remembered incorrectly or if the government and/or beef industry had decided we eat to much so decided to make beef tasteless.  I suspect they have colluded to price it out of our diet.

I had almost missed Mondays pills.  The tilting sleep cycles, cold, and pushing schedule to get things done, plus the load the medicine adds, makes it difficult.  I caught it early enough this afternoon to begin trying to fix it.  Add afternoon meds as another party to the crash.  I best take night pills before it gets... done!  I'll take morning meds sometime in... well... the morning... at bedtime.  Who's on first?  Yes.  I will, actually, take night pills, in the morning, at bedtime.  Fixed it for you... me.

A handful of aspirin and back to... nothing.  Later.

A fine beef roast.

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Finally!  Since my long time store cashed out, I haven't seen a good roast, with fat and marbling.  If I want venison, I'll find it.  Horrible, dry, lean, with little flavor, yet priced high as if it was good.  Good only for idiot academics.  I decided to visit a chain of my previous store.  They had real roasts.

Grilled.  Perfect.  The grill did take a second lighting, but just.  It was the cold.  It was already to -5°ish F.  I must admit, it was tough to be out there at that temperature for me!  Getting old, or just spoiled by the relatively pleasant weather so far?  Worth it though.  So hungry for good beef.  If I hate paying steak prices for roast.  Ribeye is beyond my wallet, even pork is starting to get too expensive.

I can, for now, have a couple roasts a month.  And will, if the don't change their cuts.  I won't eat cardboard at steak prices.  Perhaps a second helping.  Oh, they are only offering them in two serving packages now.  Even then there is sticker shock.  We are becoming like the USSR.  Although the aisles are full, no one can afford it.  I assume they toss it?  Or does it just become McFood?  No one is buying.  Go to the store three days in a row, watch the steak and even roast sections...

Centralized planning and banking, communism, dressed up as capitalism.  I guess there is still enough to go around, for now.  But, if this continues, I am seeing civil war. It's why they are pushing for replacement populations in all of the West.

Ugh!

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Waking was a chore.  Rough.  I had to reset the alarm for more sleep.  Was so very tired.  Had to hope I didn't mess it up.  Woke before the alarm.  Still so very tired, but had to get up.  I wasn't sure the alarm, if it had even been set correctly, was going to wake me.

Then I couldn't get going.  A shower was planned.  I had one yesterday.  But hate leaving without a fresh shower.  No choice today.  I was running out of time.  Uhrm, ran out, and then some.  I was out of time and choices.  I had refreshed the water... ice... for the ducks.  And, baby, it was cold out there!  It was 7° F, nipped a pair of horizontal icicles to the tune of... Frosty the snow man.

Then to town.  Just in time for an almost guaranteed overnight delivery.  Almost?  Yeah.  Very expensive.  No choice.

Then a bit of shopping.  It is 0° as the sun set.  I redid the water for the ducks.  It was already beginning to freeze.  Less in their trough, easier to get it out tomorrow.

Still so very tired.  Lighting the grill.  Blood sugar was 233 for absolutely no good reason this "morning".  It was in the 120's and 130's yesterday.  All I can think is that I used an older no-carb sweetener bottle, that has dehydrated down to a too potent solution.  I'll keep at it.

Best check the grill.  Later.  Probably.

Awake and getting to paperwork.

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Down around 10:30, up at 16:30, probably.  Too little sleep, but with a middle night nap or partial sleep, life seems okay.  A shower, a call for help with the paperwork, and the ducks given their second watering, I am ready.  Help will arrive shortly.  Paperwork doesn't make sense, at the moment.  I did arrange a small work area.

I start the first jump in medication today.  From 6.x mg twice a day to 6.x and 12.x mg, the first morning, the last at night.  I will go to 12.x bid next week.  Pushing it, but I have no great benefit to stretching it out.  The only question remains to whether I can endure the pace, without falling, or hurting too much.  Pain is slightly elevated, but so is numbness.

I would like to get to shopping after, but will wait until I get in to mail it tomorrow.
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Done!  Through the magic of blogger time skipping.  Ready to send.  Now I can... figure out the night.  Hopefully to bed early, if just for a while.  Or a longer stretch if possible.  Just having the paperwork done lifts a lot of stress.  Sometimes that eases life, this time it adds to the pain in spite of taking a heaping helping of aspirin earlier.  It can go either way.

A fatted coffee.  Perhaps a chicken thigh.  As well as insulin.  All other meds are taken.  Bleh.  I'll keep at things.  Later.

Beat.

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A hard life.  I did find the paperwork.  It is now a matter of filling it and returning it.  I had held off, hoping for medical.  I got some of that but fell through on a final visit, with primary care.  Hopefully a few specialists to be consulted from there.  I am in some trouble, sorting out medicine.  It isn't helping, but will.  No more attempts at higher doses.

I didn't get the ducks twice yesterday, but will today.  Already got them as I am about to crash.  I will get the girls too, and their litter.  Blood sugar isn't as good as it's best, but is improving.  I'm working on it, mostly needing to eat better.  Always something.  Then again, I am absolutely certain they... my continued life baffles them.

Some of them find joy in it, others don't understand why I don't commit suicide.  They know I am in beyond terrible shape.  Numb is as good as it gets, and that isn't living.  As I have learned I tell them.  God's will, not mine.  Never was, if at once I thought so.  The horror that is my life, the humility it offers, are the greatest gifts I will ever receive.  Most of the time I see it.

I took a nap last night.  Or partial sleep?  I have no idea how long, or even roughly when it started or stopped.  Only that it was dark.  It didn't allow for a rested feeling, it simply was required.  Perhaps it will help rest today.  Always tired lately.  Way too tired to even think.  Waves of exhalation.  Can exhaustion kill?

I'd best feed the girls, get the trash out, and have a spot of tea and insulin so I can tuck in shortly.  A cooler day.  At 15° F, there is that.  But there is something else to it.  Good night and day .

Chicken and mushrooms.

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Baked together, separately.  The chicken was lemon water brined for several hours.  It all came out perfect.  Blood sugar was 103 before dinner.  Fasting, this morning, it was 168.  It is trending back down.  Mostly.  I need more fats.  Back to whole cream beverages.  It really helps, if you can keep up.

I won't be awake much longer.  Just long enough to put the chicken away and take slow acting insulin.  Crashing.  Medicine I think.  Good night.