.
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My plan was to make it to S.o.Reconciliation today. It didn't happen. Not that I didn't want it to, merely that I could not go at that specific time. I started thinking about it. Why can I go to town, or a few other things, seemingly when I want to? Actually, because I can't. I go when I am able and often describe it as going when I want. I have missed going in to speak with the bike guys at Walmart... for a while now. Even now that I know when they will be there, and I am awake and moving, it just doesn't get done. Oh, I definitely want that tended. So, I may have to, again, call in and try to make contact with the priest.
My phone, out here, sometimes does not connect. People call me and their call neither rings through nor indicates that someone tried to call. And, should they happen to leave a phone message, I don't see an indication for it. I use Verizon, so it's not some fly-by-night company. It isn't a battery thing, either. I maintain that quite well, as of late. Only on days with very many calls might I run a bit low and shut off the phone. But that is a different thing. And, even then, when I turn the phone back on, I see all the information about people who have tried to call and an indicator that messages might be available. I don't know if it is the valley shape, weather, or Verizon having technical problems. I use a, now discontinued, Blackberry flip phone (I hate micro-tablets). Bothersome. This whole world is. No matter how good of a product they produce, they either never get it just right, it is way off, or they get it perfect then screw us for profit or because of politics. *grumble, mumble, and other stuff*
Just... complaining. I can't seem to do much else. God, please, function or death? Then again, His will, not mine.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Feminists and feminism.
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Feminism, actually, is being blamed or given credit (depending on how you see things) for things it has and had zero ability to create, developed, or let loose upon the world. Many people accredit feminism with providing women with the ability to vote. It was men who had the power to choose whether to give women the ability to vote. There are many other things which have been allowed, offered to women. Feminism has had nearly no real successes. What has advanced those "rights", what is behind it, is... men. Not just any men, however.
When you look at recent history, you will find the fathers of suffrage in actual practice. Among the first to force the issue of allowing women to vote was Lenin. Hitler followed suit, as I suspect did Mussolini, Mao, Pol Pot (if his revolution ever got to the point of elections), and others. A rogues gallery of real feminists. There is a reason why it is said that when communism/socialism is voted in, that is the last free election. My guess is, that became true in America the day our socialists gave women the "right" to vote, then on to a "right" to employment on an "equal" status, and the rest of their "rights". Feminism had nothing to do with it. Feminists are jokes, even they know they are merely cheerleaders for socialists and communists and all things illogical, evil, bastardized. I just thought to set the record straight.
Of course, now, almost all women are feminists. Find one who chooses not to vote, doesn't arbitrarily subject the world to her opinion, doesn't pursue an "education", and finds a man to be her husband and quietly raises children. At that point, then she has more of a valid position by which to discuss her opinion. Her opinion is then based within the worth of her nature, is based upon the continued success of her family, and should be in support of her husband's ability to reasonably care for her and their family. All others, my friends, are now merely feminists. Regardless of the words out of their mouths.
Oh, sure, some truly cannot have children. Yes, and even God speaks to this. He says of them that they, too, are blessed. For they will remain forever children. If it isn't based on a dark "choice".
.
Feminism, actually, is being blamed or given credit (depending on how you see things) for things it has and had zero ability to create, developed, or let loose upon the world. Many people accredit feminism with providing women with the ability to vote. It was men who had the power to choose whether to give women the ability to vote. There are many other things which have been allowed, offered to women. Feminism has had nearly no real successes. What has advanced those "rights", what is behind it, is... men. Not just any men, however.
When you look at recent history, you will find the fathers of suffrage in actual practice. Among the first to force the issue of allowing women to vote was Lenin. Hitler followed suit, as I suspect did Mussolini, Mao, Pol Pot (if his revolution ever got to the point of elections), and others. A rogues gallery of real feminists. There is a reason why it is said that when communism/socialism is voted in, that is the last free election. My guess is, that became true in America the day our socialists gave women the "right" to vote, then on to a "right" to employment on an "equal" status, and the rest of their "rights". Feminism had nothing to do with it. Feminists are jokes, even they know they are merely cheerleaders for socialists and communists and all things illogical, evil, bastardized. I just thought to set the record straight.
Of course, now, almost all women are feminists. Find one who chooses not to vote, doesn't arbitrarily subject the world to her opinion, doesn't pursue an "education", and finds a man to be her husband and quietly raises children. At that point, then she has more of a valid position by which to discuss her opinion. Her opinion is then based within the worth of her nature, is based upon the continued success of her family, and should be in support of her husband's ability to reasonably care for her and their family. All others, my friends, are now merely feminists. Regardless of the words out of their mouths.
Oh, sure, some truly cannot have children. Yes, and even God speaks to this. He says of them that they, too, are blessed. For they will remain forever children. If it isn't based on a dark "choice".
Just... waking... huh? up.
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Oh well. I have been staying up a bit later and of course waking a bit later. It sure beats what was about to happen. I had been headed in a serious clock twister sleep cycle. Fixing the fluid levels, I have to think, stopped that. While the felt fluid levels, the felt need to cough, and some of my abilities are better (to a lesser degree), my blood pressure is back up. I can't seem to win. Oh well. I will keep doing what I can, when I can. It is still more than what I have been able to do for decades. And yet it is still a crippled life. But hey, I'm breathing like a man out of water, not a fish out of water. I am doing some things, like tracking and mostly making appointments. I am sleeping around eight hours a night. I wake refreshed. I eat regularly, am able to take the medicine which seems to be helping, I am tracking weight and stats. Pretty limited but at least it is a ton more than ever before. And, perhaps, this is just a low? If so, it is what I had hoped my lows would be.
Today IS the day. The Sacrament of Reconciliation, the beginning of me seeking out the Eucharist, a fresh start. I will begin exploring which times and places better suit my nature, my comfort level. No, not so much seeking what I 'want' so much as what will not be so uncomfortable that I go less often. If I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, which I do contend. If I am not a sheep either, which I also contend. Then I am a sheep dog. As such, and being retired or disabled, I really don't want a lot to do with groups of sheep and I have outright enmity toward wolves. Is there a church for my kind? I doubt it. So I have to find a Church which will suffice, has fewer people would be my guess. The truth can hurt, but if all else fails, the truth is what remains.
I'll get to waking up, then see what is left of the day to make my plans and do some work or chores or tinkering. Oh, and no pains in the morning or through the day! I really don't understand why pain would go away. But it has. I don't even get headaches anymore. They were a facet of my life since disability began. It is strange not to have them. I had even learned to function (to the level I ever could function) right through the worst of them, the migraines... usually. Perhaps that 'education' is what allowed me to not sense severe pain when cut and such? Who knows.
Have a great day. Do what you can, this day will never be around to do over again.
.
Oh well. I have been staying up a bit later and of course waking a bit later. It sure beats what was about to happen. I had been headed in a serious clock twister sleep cycle. Fixing the fluid levels, I have to think, stopped that. While the felt fluid levels, the felt need to cough, and some of my abilities are better (to a lesser degree), my blood pressure is back up. I can't seem to win. Oh well. I will keep doing what I can, when I can. It is still more than what I have been able to do for decades. And yet it is still a crippled life. But hey, I'm breathing like a man out of water, not a fish out of water. I am doing some things, like tracking and mostly making appointments. I am sleeping around eight hours a night. I wake refreshed. I eat regularly, am able to take the medicine which seems to be helping, I am tracking weight and stats. Pretty limited but at least it is a ton more than ever before. And, perhaps, this is just a low? If so, it is what I had hoped my lows would be.
Today IS the day. The Sacrament of Reconciliation, the beginning of me seeking out the Eucharist, a fresh start. I will begin exploring which times and places better suit my nature, my comfort level. No, not so much seeking what I 'want' so much as what will not be so uncomfortable that I go less often. If I am not a wolf in sheep's clothing, which I do contend. If I am not a sheep either, which I also contend. Then I am a sheep dog. As such, and being retired or disabled, I really don't want a lot to do with groups of sheep and I have outright enmity toward wolves. Is there a church for my kind? I doubt it. So I have to find a Church which will suffice, has fewer people would be my guess. The truth can hurt, but if all else fails, the truth is what remains.
I'll get to waking up, then see what is left of the day to make my plans and do some work or chores or tinkering. Oh, and no pains in the morning or through the day! I really don't understand why pain would go away. But it has. I don't even get headaches anymore. They were a facet of my life since disability began. It is strange not to have them. I had even learned to function (to the level I ever could function) right through the worst of them, the migraines... usually. Perhaps that 'education' is what allowed me to not sense severe pain when cut and such? Who knows.
Have a great day. Do what you can, this day will never be around to do over again.
Friday, July 15, 2011
News? Maybe.
.
.
I do actually read things other than blogs. Though some of it is connected to blogs. Here are a few articles that caught my attention, and some of my notions about them.
I see some doctors actually get in trouble for doing more than is necessary, fudging the numbers to allow them to offer more services and add diagnosis that aren't supported by the tests. It is nice to see one go down. I wonder how much of his career, and fortune, was ill gained. I wonder about all doctors, to be honest. I am surprised they bothered to get this one. He must have pissed off a nurse in the know or something?
Ah, here is an article on the proper use of money set aside to save the planet. No, seriously. I am all for the use of green funds for this type of thing. The Europeans, or some of them seem to be heading in much more the correct direction, on some things. Then again, their collective (literal and figurative) economy and monetary system is about to collapse. So, I wouldn't follow them too closely.
Here we have something I think is about right, all else being equal. Now, that is assuming Republicans don't continue to cave everywhere and always. How long will that last? Probably indefinitely if we ever allow the markets to simply work as they should. Which would require a much smaller government, deregulation of just about everything, a flat tax, and an end to the welfare state and military and academic complexes. I love me some military, but a bit smaller would be fine. As for academics? Axe all public portions of it, including k-12. Let towns and counties do it, if they want. Get the state and federal government out of it. Anyway... Yes, housing, down another 20%. That will put houses at the prices they should be tracking historically.
And, finally, I have an article here I have some doubts about. Though I love my cats, I really do. I enjoy their company, I like being outside with Sam (Sassy only goes out at night and then isn't very social, she just slinks off and avoids me and Sam), and they keep me doing things. But I don't think I am one iota healthier for sharing a home with them. How you feel means nothing, I want to see actual stats on people change, does their blood pressure go down? Does their pulse slow (or quicken if needed)? Do they digest food better? How you feel has nothing to do with how healthy you are. Quit that. Fuzzy math and all. Still, even if it proves out that owning pets is less healthy, I'll keep mine (and won't believe that study either).
Good night!
.
I do actually read things other than blogs. Though some of it is connected to blogs. Here are a few articles that caught my attention, and some of my notions about them.
I see some doctors actually get in trouble for doing more than is necessary, fudging the numbers to allow them to offer more services and add diagnosis that aren't supported by the tests. It is nice to see one go down. I wonder how much of his career, and fortune, was ill gained. I wonder about all doctors, to be honest. I am surprised they bothered to get this one. He must have pissed off a nurse in the know or something?
Ah, here is an article on the proper use of money set aside to save the planet. No, seriously. I am all for the use of green funds for this type of thing. The Europeans, or some of them seem to be heading in much more the correct direction, on some things. Then again, their collective (literal and figurative) economy and monetary system is about to collapse. So, I wouldn't follow them too closely.
Here we have something I think is about right, all else being equal. Now, that is assuming Republicans don't continue to cave everywhere and always. How long will that last? Probably indefinitely if we ever allow the markets to simply work as they should. Which would require a much smaller government, deregulation of just about everything, a flat tax, and an end to the welfare state and military and academic complexes. I love me some military, but a bit smaller would be fine. As for academics? Axe all public portions of it, including k-12. Let towns and counties do it, if they want. Get the state and federal government out of it. Anyway... Yes, housing, down another 20%. That will put houses at the prices they should be tracking historically.
And, finally, I have an article here I have some doubts about. Though I love my cats, I really do. I enjoy their company, I like being outside with Sam (Sassy only goes out at night and then isn't very social, she just slinks off and avoids me and Sam), and they keep me doing things. But I don't think I am one iota healthier for sharing a home with them. How you feel means nothing, I want to see actual stats on people change, does their blood pressure go down? Does their pulse slow (or quicken if needed)? Do they digest food better? How you feel has nothing to do with how healthy you are. Quit that. Fuzzy math and all. Still, even if it proves out that owning pets is less healthy, I'll keep mine (and won't believe that study either).
Good night!
Could be.
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I did walk over to the neighbors. Much later than what I had indicated, but then my clock was off. Stupid computer. However, most of the family was on the way into town, taking goats in for a petting zoo, or sale, or both. The mother said someone was doing chores and that I could go watch. It ended up being two little boys. They knew some things, but they were definitely boys. Still, I walked around with them, as they fed the many critters. There are quite the number of creatures there. Goats, of course. Many goats, several different breeds too. Chickens, ducks, a goose, a pot-belly pig... I think that was all?
The work didn't seem that difficult, nothing complicated, and with me functioning better, I am thinking the work and schedule would not be too difficult. Having neighbors with kids who would take over would also mean I could still travel from time to time. I am guessing I could make it even easier with a couple of systems which auto water and feed, as back up, or should I be gone a short bit. The idea of fresh meat on a regular basis, milk, and walking weedeaters appeals to me. I suppose the kid would be the meat animal? You need a kid in order that the doe offers milk. I did a bit of checking. Did you realize the Old Testament proscribed using the milk of the mother to boil the youngling? It is in one of the books of wisdom. Of course, I had no such plans in any event, so it's all good.
The breed of goat, if I were to do this, that I would like, is called Boer. At least the meat goats. I would probably have to have two different breeds? Hmm, I might have to see of a Boer would work as a milk goat too. I checked prices, generally. It seems these animals are in the $400 to $500 range, for purebreds. Take purebred out of it, and make it mostly Boer, and the price drops to around $100, plus or minus $20. I am not sure if there is much difference in taste, and it would be just for me most likely, still... And, would I really want a billy? For most of the year all they do is eat, fight, and try to escape (and I hear they are good at it). The doe is much more docile. Well, just thinking things over. Hmm, I wonder though. Would the goats protect the chickens a bit? Wait, the boys seemed to think that wouldn't work. They had to call animal services or some county or city office to have two raccoons removed/killed. They were in with the goats, trying to get in with the chickens. The goats tried to chase them off but were unsuccessful at it. Or, that is what the boys thought. Did I mention, they are boys. Ha.
I am going to go back over. Perhaps the father is home. Just to be neighborly, perhaps ask a few questions the boys might not have known or gotten... quite right. Later.
.
I did walk over to the neighbors. Much later than what I had indicated, but then my clock was off. Stupid computer. However, most of the family was on the way into town, taking goats in for a petting zoo, or sale, or both. The mother said someone was doing chores and that I could go watch. It ended up being two little boys. They knew some things, but they were definitely boys. Still, I walked around with them, as they fed the many critters. There are quite the number of creatures there. Goats, of course. Many goats, several different breeds too. Chickens, ducks, a goose, a pot-belly pig... I think that was all?
The work didn't seem that difficult, nothing complicated, and with me functioning better, I am thinking the work and schedule would not be too difficult. Having neighbors with kids who would take over would also mean I could still travel from time to time. I am guessing I could make it even easier with a couple of systems which auto water and feed, as back up, or should I be gone a short bit. The idea of fresh meat on a regular basis, milk, and walking weedeaters appeals to me. I suppose the kid would be the meat animal? You need a kid in order that the doe offers milk. I did a bit of checking. Did you realize the Old Testament proscribed using the milk of the mother to boil the youngling? It is in one of the books of wisdom. Of course, I had no such plans in any event, so it's all good.
The breed of goat, if I were to do this, that I would like, is called Boer. At least the meat goats. I would probably have to have two different breeds? Hmm, I might have to see of a Boer would work as a milk goat too. I checked prices, generally. It seems these animals are in the $400 to $500 range, for purebreds. Take purebred out of it, and make it mostly Boer, and the price drops to around $100, plus or minus $20. I am not sure if there is much difference in taste, and it would be just for me most likely, still... And, would I really want a billy? For most of the year all they do is eat, fight, and try to escape (and I hear they are good at it). The doe is much more docile. Well, just thinking things over. Hmm, I wonder though. Would the goats protect the chickens a bit? Wait, the boys seemed to think that wouldn't work. They had to call animal services or some county or city office to have two raccoons removed/killed. They were in with the goats, trying to get in with the chickens. The goats tried to chase them off but were unsuccessful at it. Or, that is what the boys thought. Did I mention, they are boys. Ha.
I am going to go back over. Perhaps the father is home. Just to be neighborly, perhaps ask a few questions the boys might not have known or gotten... quite right. Later.
A humble fool and malcontent.
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Along with usual prayers, I often remember to ask for forgiveness for a non-sin. It can lead to sinning, it can also keep me from sinning, but it is just a fact. I am a fool at times. Oh, nothing in particular, if there are things that quickly come to mind. My most recent foolishness was merely a thing that got me to check on some things and ease my mind. But that 'doesn't confront me none, as long as I get paid on payday'. I r foolish. Perhaps that helps when one attempts to be humble? Okies, God's world, God's rules. At least He offered humor, on a simple human note, to deal with this simple human condition. I think it is worth the trade, humility and a good chuckle for a bit of personal folly? Okay.
On the good side, I am beginning to organize my life. I realize I will never be a neatnick. I simply don't have the... mind... ability... something... for it. And yet I can pick up and neaten occasionally, and I do what my humble abilities afford. I am beginning to use my calender and smart phone to keep me on track. And to good effect. Little bits of my life, things never quite all put together in the right places, at the right time, are coming together. Foolish as I may be at times, my intent is good. And, more, I have been keeping up much better for a longer period than any time other than when I took Ritalin. Of course, I realize, I will still probably have comparative highs and lows. And for me these will be more than typical. If I can make sure the lows are only as low as my old reasonable highs, I am good. And, so far, for the most part, that is true.
I am still figuring out life. While I can and do some things almost natively, other things still baffle me. Getting my bike into town is the most recent thing I am working on. Oh sure, just shove it in the vehicle and hope you don't bend something. Or, go ask someone with a truck. Yes, yes. But I need to figure and... mentally... sort through things. I think it is sort of like an obsessive compulsive thing, not the same, just that I have to do something for things to click, similar but different. Only, now, once I get something worked through, just like figuring a firing pattern for a torpedo for example, it is good as a permanent (as permanent as things get) fix. Now that I have a home, that is for all intents and purposes mine, I can begin building my life around this structure, in this area, with these neighbors.
Which reminds me, today I am going to go help the neighbors with their chores. I have a half an hour to dress appropriately for chores and get there. Hmm, it's a half a block away. I... think I can, I think I can. *smile* Foolish indeed. Have a great day. I know I will, especially if I get the chance to milk a goat! Later.
.
Along with usual prayers, I often remember to ask for forgiveness for a non-sin. It can lead to sinning, it can also keep me from sinning, but it is just a fact. I am a fool at times. Oh, nothing in particular, if there are things that quickly come to mind. My most recent foolishness was merely a thing that got me to check on some things and ease my mind. But that 'doesn't confront me none, as long as I get paid on payday'. I r foolish. Perhaps that helps when one attempts to be humble? Okies, God's world, God's rules. At least He offered humor, on a simple human note, to deal with this simple human condition. I think it is worth the trade, humility and a good chuckle for a bit of personal folly? Okay.
On the good side, I am beginning to organize my life. I realize I will never be a neatnick. I simply don't have the... mind... ability... something... for it. And yet I can pick up and neaten occasionally, and I do what my humble abilities afford. I am beginning to use my calender and smart phone to keep me on track. And to good effect. Little bits of my life, things never quite all put together in the right places, at the right time, are coming together. Foolish as I may be at times, my intent is good. And, more, I have been keeping up much better for a longer period than any time other than when I took Ritalin. Of course, I realize, I will still probably have comparative highs and lows. And for me these will be more than typical. If I can make sure the lows are only as low as my old reasonable highs, I am good. And, so far, for the most part, that is true.
I am still figuring out life. While I can and do some things almost natively, other things still baffle me. Getting my bike into town is the most recent thing I am working on. Oh sure, just shove it in the vehicle and hope you don't bend something. Or, go ask someone with a truck. Yes, yes. But I need to figure and... mentally... sort through things. I think it is sort of like an obsessive compulsive thing, not the same, just that I have to do something for things to click, similar but different. Only, now, once I get something worked through, just like figuring a firing pattern for a torpedo for example, it is good as a permanent (as permanent as things get) fix. Now that I have a home, that is for all intents and purposes mine, I can begin building my life around this structure, in this area, with these neighbors.
Which reminds me, today I am going to go help the neighbors with their chores. I have a half an hour to dress appropriately for chores and get there. Hmm, it's a half a block away. I... think I can, I think I can. *smile* Foolish indeed. Have a great day. I know I will, especially if I get the chance to milk a goat! Later.
Okay, I best get on that.
.
.
One of the things that has slipped is reordering medicine! Oh, right away. I simply can't slip off that stuff. No, it's not just a fashion statement at this point. Going off it, cold turkey, at the levels I am on it, might really kill me. That, if nothing else, has always been of concern when beginning medicine. It is worse than addiction in some cases, like this case. I have been able to take the medicines, so I have gone with it. But it seems my improved function is still not complete. I am not sure, but may be at serious risk of running out. I will look over my stocks and decide whether I need to ration and how best to do that. After I reorder. Perhaps they will know how long the medicine 'should' take to arrive, and I then add in double the delivery time and plan accordingly. The term "should arrive", more so from government, is very tentative, fragile, untrustworthy.
I would love to have prescriptions, in case I miss the window to order, but the V.A. refuses to offer those. If you are treated by the V.A., you must get your medicines from their pharmacy outlets. Period. You won't like Obamamalcare. It'll start with pleasantries, I am sure, then run right into a medical monopoly. I think I heard of a case in Canada where, when a patient sought a minor outside (American) medical consult and treatment, they were then refused any other treatment for their main issue (cancer) in Canada. I think they may have eventually cleared it up, but how long do you want to clear up medical access when you are dieing of cancer? Really? For me, a half dozen prescriptions (none of them narcotic or class 'anything') shouldn't be an issue, save that the government doesn't want competition. It is NOT about my health. Yes, having to pay for scripts a time or two would learn me to call in. This way may just end up with me out of medicine. Bah.
I have another issue that is making walking difficult. It seems when I become more active, I immediately begin having foot problems. At least the type I get are easily treated, when or if I can see a doctor who has to put in a consult, and then get scheduled with a specialist. How long does it take to actually do the work? An half hour, and most of that just waiting for a doctor to come in and scrape off the thing(s). The problem is something like a callous, but on the bottom of my foot. I have some on the sides of my big toes, but I can and do ignore those. I have tried to scrape the one on the bottom of my foot off myself, several times. Let us just say I would make a lousy surgeon. I have only made myself lame once, and only for a few days at least, but I didn't fix a thing in my effort. No, I best go in and get this treated. My mom says she gets these too, she needs to go in every 3 to 6 months for treatment, like clockwork. I probably should too. When I am active, it happens every time and comes back quickly. It is like walking on a large pebble, and makes a permanent hot-spot on my foot (you would know this from hiking), the size of the whole front 'palm' of my foot. It doesn't slow me down, I just get where I am going in a bit more of a huff than usual. *youch*
Today? Well, ordering medicine, getting that CPAP squared away, mowing perhaps, dishes maybe, and perhaps just figuring out how to get that bike into town. What a pain the bike is turning into. I'm starting to question the purchase, but then I couldn't afford a "good bike", and these problems might somehow be solved... I don't know. I'm sort of grumpy this morning though, so... I wait until clarity returns before... making specific, important, or other decisions. For the while I will lounge in grump. Have a good day anyway.
*update* My panic seems to be for naught. The heart transplant coordinator called back quickly and reminded me that I will be in Monday. Yes, I am losing track, even though I put these things on my phone and calendar just yesterday. I guess medicine fears can become... potent. And in my segregated little life, connections are not always logical or even there, so putting running out of medicine with an appointment just didn't happen. Then again, usually I was seeing a doctor only every few months to six months in the past. And my medicine shortage has been worrying me for a while. It's a... paradigm thing. Never... mind. I'll... get the hang of this new one soon enough.
Yeah, well, it did get me out of the gates at a terrible pace already this morning. My blood is certainly pumping now.
.
One of the things that has slipped is reordering medicine! Oh, right away. I simply can't slip off that stuff. No, it's not just a fashion statement at this point. Going off it, cold turkey, at the levels I am on it, might really kill me. That, if nothing else, has always been of concern when beginning medicine. It is worse than addiction in some cases, like this case. I have been able to take the medicines, so I have gone with it. But it seems my improved function is still not complete. I am not sure, but may be at serious risk of running out. I will look over my stocks and decide whether I need to ration and how best to do that. After I reorder. Perhaps they will know how long the medicine 'should' take to arrive, and I then add in double the delivery time and plan accordingly. The term "should arrive", more so from government, is very tentative, fragile, untrustworthy.
I would love to have prescriptions, in case I miss the window to order, but the V.A. refuses to offer those. If you are treated by the V.A., you must get your medicines from their pharmacy outlets. Period. You won't like Obamamalcare. It'll start with pleasantries, I am sure, then run right into a medical monopoly. I think I heard of a case in Canada where, when a patient sought a minor outside (American) medical consult and treatment, they were then refused any other treatment for their main issue (cancer) in Canada. I think they may have eventually cleared it up, but how long do you want to clear up medical access when you are dieing of cancer? Really? For me, a half dozen prescriptions (none of them narcotic or class 'anything') shouldn't be an issue, save that the government doesn't want competition. It is NOT about my health. Yes, having to pay for scripts a time or two would learn me to call in. This way may just end up with me out of medicine. Bah.
I have another issue that is making walking difficult. It seems when I become more active, I immediately begin having foot problems. At least the type I get are easily treated, when or if I can see a doctor who has to put in a consult, and then get scheduled with a specialist. How long does it take to actually do the work? An half hour, and most of that just waiting for a doctor to come in and scrape off the thing(s). The problem is something like a callous, but on the bottom of my foot. I have some on the sides of my big toes, but I can and do ignore those. I have tried to scrape the one on the bottom of my foot off myself, several times. Let us just say I would make a lousy surgeon. I have only made myself lame once, and only for a few days at least, but I didn't fix a thing in my effort. No, I best go in and get this treated. My mom says she gets these too, she needs to go in every 3 to 6 months for treatment, like clockwork. I probably should too. When I am active, it happens every time and comes back quickly. It is like walking on a large pebble, and makes a permanent hot-spot on my foot (you would know this from hiking), the size of the whole front 'palm' of my foot. It doesn't slow me down, I just get where I am going in a bit more of a huff than usual. *youch*
Today? Well, ordering medicine, getting that CPAP squared away, mowing perhaps, dishes maybe, and perhaps just figuring out how to get that bike into town. What a pain the bike is turning into. I'm starting to question the purchase, but then I couldn't afford a "good bike", and these problems might somehow be solved... I don't know. I'm sort of grumpy this morning though, so... I wait until clarity returns before... making specific, important, or other decisions. For the while I will lounge in grump. Have a good day anyway.
*update* My panic seems to be for naught. The heart transplant coordinator called back quickly and reminded me that I will be in Monday. Yes, I am losing track, even though I put these things on my phone and calendar just yesterday. I guess medicine fears can become... potent. And in my segregated little life, connections are not always logical or even there, so putting running out of medicine with an appointment just didn't happen. Then again, usually I was seeing a doctor only every few months to six months in the past. And my medicine shortage has been worrying me for a while. It's a... paradigm thing. Never... mind. I'll... get the hang of this new one soon enough.
Yeah, well, it did get me out of the gates at a terrible pace already this morning. My blood is certainly pumping now.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Okay, the brakes...
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I read what you wrote, D.C., and commented. After tinkering and pulling tightening and loosening and pushing and... I just plain ran out of steam, and light. Everything you wrote made sense. The problem is, the cable seemingly cannot be pulled tight enough, and/or the disc brake calipers are a problem (or need an adjustment that I can't find). There were, again, no instructions regarding disc brakes, let alone on tightening the cable or adjusting the brake. After surrendering for the night, I decided to look for video, again. I have been searching for a simple video which shows a set up very much like mine. After exhausting anything to do with adjusting cable, disc brakes, or such, I finally accidentally found a video regarding whether you could retrofit a typical bike with disc brakes. And, the brakes unlike the other disc brakes I saw, looked very similar to what my bike sports.
At about 00:54, you will see the disc brake caliper, and all the parts involved. The caliper seems to be slipping, or... something. If they use that type of set up on any bikes you have monkeyed with, perhaps you will know something more.
Here is the video.
I have worked with the nut on the brake assembly to tighten the cable housing, and the one on the handle bar. Both loosened as much as possible, the cable still slips and the cable housing shifts and becomes loose. There seems no way to tighten any of it. After I tighten everything as tight as I can humanly get it, tighten everything back down, then grip the brake handle, the disc brake caliper moves up (see where the caliper is in the video? it moves literally up toward the handle bars, up the cable, and stays slack). At that time, the brake grip, if used again, merely slackens the cable more. At the same time, both the brake cable and the brake line itself go slack. The holder nut, holding the cable itself to the disc brake caliper, is holding. I checked that independently. So, it has something to do with the disc brake caliper not holding, needing adjusting, or something.
I can find zero help regarding this bike. It is a Genesis Two Nine 29" mountain bike. I find a manufacturer/advertisement page (with no technical information), I see the add and review page from Walmart, and I see a few comments on forums (but nothing specific, just rants or praise). I simply cannot find any good information for this specific bike or the disc brake on it.
.
I read what you wrote, D.C., and commented. After tinkering and pulling tightening and loosening and pushing and... I just plain ran out of steam, and light. Everything you wrote made sense. The problem is, the cable seemingly cannot be pulled tight enough, and/or the disc brake calipers are a problem (or need an adjustment that I can't find). There were, again, no instructions regarding disc brakes, let alone on tightening the cable or adjusting the brake. After surrendering for the night, I decided to look for video, again. I have been searching for a simple video which shows a set up very much like mine. After exhausting anything to do with adjusting cable, disc brakes, or such, I finally accidentally found a video regarding whether you could retrofit a typical bike with disc brakes. And, the brakes unlike the other disc brakes I saw, looked very similar to what my bike sports.
At about 00:54, you will see the disc brake caliper, and all the parts involved. The caliper seems to be slipping, or... something. If they use that type of set up on any bikes you have monkeyed with, perhaps you will know something more.
Here is the video.
I have worked with the nut on the brake assembly to tighten the cable housing, and the one on the handle bar. Both loosened as much as possible, the cable still slips and the cable housing shifts and becomes loose. There seems no way to tighten any of it. After I tighten everything as tight as I can humanly get it, tighten everything back down, then grip the brake handle, the disc brake caliper moves up (see where the caliper is in the video? it moves literally up toward the handle bars, up the cable, and stays slack). At that time, the brake grip, if used again, merely slackens the cable more. At the same time, both the brake cable and the brake line itself go slack. The holder nut, holding the cable itself to the disc brake caliper, is holding. I checked that independently. So, it has something to do with the disc brake caliper not holding, needing adjusting, or something.
I can find zero help regarding this bike. It is a Genesis Two Nine 29" mountain bike. I find a manufacturer/advertisement page (with no technical information), I see the add and review page from Walmart, and I see a few comments on forums (but nothing specific, just rants or praise). I simply cannot find any good information for this specific bike or the disc brake on it.
Contemplating sin, and Reconciliation.
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While I may not be able to do much, physically, I try very diligently to not just 'stop'. As this weekend approaches, I have been looking over the cliff notes for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I will go back and read the source and find other sources as well. Too, I have been thinking over my sins, near and far, forgiven and not. There are some I am letting go. Oh? Yes. Simply, before the age of consent, in the Catholic Church that is the age of 12 years, one is not held responsible. That does not give free reign, it does not negate punishment, it merely indicates that conscious sin before that age is not held to be reasonable. For example, my tryst with that girl when I was 4 and change. And of course the babysitter before that. She was the irresponsible responsible party.
There are serious sins there. Some have already been forgiven. It is not that I didn't confess them, it is that, in doing that first boatload at my first confession, all details were not given. I wish to amend that on two particular sins. As well, I have... questions. Some sins I may or may not have committed. And, given the circumstances, they might not even be considered sins. A police officer who kills in the legitimate actions required by his station is not sinning. Still, he may feel the need for something. Not that I killed anyone. Not that I didn't. Merely, I have a need. Some things, of course, are more current. I seem to have restored some semblance of chastity back into my life. That is one powerful Djin. I will never completely defeat that one, but a little sanity to it is nice. So, there was that spree. And, of course, my grumpy nature and some of the darker angles to that. Simple, perhaps. Humble or even silly seeming to some, maybe. But these things weigh heavily. These things, to my mind, make the Eucharist out of bounds. I must deal with these things, and begin afresh.
I try not to think about my sins, more than to record and note. They aren't the focus. Neither should they be allowed to keep me from God by keeping me from the other big and little "s" Sacraments, they also shouldn't be so much of a focus that I lose perspective. I am just learning these things, mind you. Some things I have always known, and they still stand. Other things are new, hard, but worth pursuing. Confessing to a priest isn't easy. I do sweat it. But the freedom it affords, even without the attendant Eucharist, is immeasurable. It is the spiritual version of realizing, on a long hike, that you really can take a seat and remove the pebbles and sand from your shoes. So long was I walking around with spiritual pebbles in my boots, blistering, hurting, gnawing, killing. Leaving me crippled, somewhat lame, and not sure what to do. Now I know. Now to do it.
Well, enough. This post is more to keep my on track with getting in this weekend. First to SoRec and then to Mass and the Eucharist. I think the crowds scare me a bit, more than they should. But then I live such a solitary life and have for so long, that it is to be expected. I will probably never be great at attending mass regularly. I am simply not a group-wise social creature. Even close friends and family, to a greater degree, are kept some distance (by illness, their busy lives, and... fears and such). I'm more like a cat than anything, in these matters. Anyway, I will do what I can, when I can, and pray about the rest of it.
God bless.
.
While I may not be able to do much, physically, I try very diligently to not just 'stop'. As this weekend approaches, I have been looking over the cliff notes for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I will go back and read the source and find other sources as well. Too, I have been thinking over my sins, near and far, forgiven and not. There are some I am letting go. Oh? Yes. Simply, before the age of consent, in the Catholic Church that is the age of 12 years, one is not held responsible. That does not give free reign, it does not negate punishment, it merely indicates that conscious sin before that age is not held to be reasonable. For example, my tryst with that girl when I was 4 and change. And of course the babysitter before that. She was the irresponsible responsible party.
There are serious sins there. Some have already been forgiven. It is not that I didn't confess them, it is that, in doing that first boatload at my first confession, all details were not given. I wish to amend that on two particular sins. As well, I have... questions. Some sins I may or may not have committed. And, given the circumstances, they might not even be considered sins. A police officer who kills in the legitimate actions required by his station is not sinning. Still, he may feel the need for something. Not that I killed anyone. Not that I didn't. Merely, I have a need. Some things, of course, are more current. I seem to have restored some semblance of chastity back into my life. That is one powerful Djin. I will never completely defeat that one, but a little sanity to it is nice. So, there was that spree. And, of course, my grumpy nature and some of the darker angles to that. Simple, perhaps. Humble or even silly seeming to some, maybe. But these things weigh heavily. These things, to my mind, make the Eucharist out of bounds. I must deal with these things, and begin afresh.
I try not to think about my sins, more than to record and note. They aren't the focus. Neither should they be allowed to keep me from God by keeping me from the other big and little "s" Sacraments, they also shouldn't be so much of a focus that I lose perspective. I am just learning these things, mind you. Some things I have always known, and they still stand. Other things are new, hard, but worth pursuing. Confessing to a priest isn't easy. I do sweat it. But the freedom it affords, even without the attendant Eucharist, is immeasurable. It is the spiritual version of realizing, on a long hike, that you really can take a seat and remove the pebbles and sand from your shoes. So long was I walking around with spiritual pebbles in my boots, blistering, hurting, gnawing, killing. Leaving me crippled, somewhat lame, and not sure what to do. Now I know. Now to do it.
Well, enough. This post is more to keep my on track with getting in this weekend. First to SoRec and then to Mass and the Eucharist. I think the crowds scare me a bit, more than they should. But then I live such a solitary life and have for so long, that it is to be expected. I will probably never be great at attending mass regularly. I am simply not a group-wise social creature. Even close friends and family, to a greater degree, are kept some distance (by illness, their busy lives, and... fears and such). I'm more like a cat than anything, in these matters. Anyway, I will do what I can, when I can, and pray about the rest of it.
God bless.
What do you call days like these?
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Today is not a complete flop. I did get into town, I did do shopping, I called about upcoming appointments and put them into my phone and on my physical calender, I rescheduled the vet appointment, if not in a timely manner, I checked about the bike guys at Walmart but was too late for the day guy and far too early to speak with the night guy (though perhaps D.C.'s advice will cover that). I just thought I would 'information load' as much as possible before beginning. Oh, and I checked the mail, and because of that deposited some checks into my account.I know, that really is small potatoes. Even if I do end up working on my bike a bit, doing some dishes, and perhaps breaking down boxes for this next recycling day.
And yet, that is more than I have done... on a voluntary basis, for quite some time. I have been stuck for a while now. Sure, maybe I am just saying taking the water pills help, and making it so. But I do have blood pressure, weight loss, reduced felt need to cough (which I do suppress in any case). No, there are real other indicators which tend to support my theory. Healthy in the long run? What is? :p Eating will eventually kill you!?! Or, something like that.
I had hoped to get over and help the neighbor with chores today. Technically, I was back from town in time, I could have done that. I just didn't quite have that last little bit I needed. I do hope I will get over there tomorrow. If they don't mind, I would like to help out every once in a while. If I could do it daily for a week, that would be good. Just to get a sense of... what animal rearing and husbandry and the rest is all about. I would also like to learn how to milk a goat. Just the notion... who would have thought I would ever even have such an opportunity? Or interest?
People must think I am just a lazy bum, truly. They can see no health issues, all my limbs are attached and working, I seem intelligent, I even seem not just mobile but... aggressively, forcefully, powerfully, quickly, fluidly mobile. I can beat the go-cart transports at the V.A., the ones they give people rides in from the parking lot or over other longer stretches inside the building (at both of our top speed, and probably only for a half a mile or less but never tested full bore for more than probably an eighth of a mile). I just can't always... focus... get it started... push passed something. Once the fuse is lit I am usually... at least good for a bit, usually.
So weird. The Ritalin did this, too. But it was the source, not simply something that moved the actual problem out of the way. These medicines leave it all up to me. It is fantastic to find that I actually will advance, given the chance. I will push on my own. I have drive, interest, want, and like to work. And I still have limits, from sitting down for the last twenty years. And even then, I must have been pushing as hard as I could into that immobile blockage or I would be far weaker than I am. I just really never could quit. That is why I always felt so stressed.
This blog has become my therapist, give or take. It's at least as useful as any therapist I have ever had, save one. And she had no idea how I used her (not abusively, mind you, much as I use doctors currently). While I am truthful to a degree, not all can be shared. Not with liberals, not with those of the indoctrinated set. They don't have it coming and have failed too often. I can use them, however. And I have, do, and will. Yes, therapy. And, no, you don't get the whole truth either. Unless you have the eyes to see and the ears by which to hear. Even then you just get the fundamentals. Or... not.
Have a good day. After I chill a bit from the trip and meal, I will get on that bike. Have a beautiful day, smile just because, and do something squirrelly just because. Life is good, we are all busy, but don't let the latter malinfluence the former. Ciao.
.
Today is not a complete flop. I did get into town, I did do shopping, I called about upcoming appointments and put them into my phone and on my physical calender, I rescheduled the vet appointment, if not in a timely manner, I checked about the bike guys at Walmart but was too late for the day guy and far too early to speak with the night guy (though perhaps D.C.'s advice will cover that). I just thought I would 'information load' as much as possible before beginning. Oh, and I checked the mail, and because of that deposited some checks into my account.I know, that really is small potatoes. Even if I do end up working on my bike a bit, doing some dishes, and perhaps breaking down boxes for this next recycling day.
And yet, that is more than I have done... on a voluntary basis, for quite some time. I have been stuck for a while now. Sure, maybe I am just saying taking the water pills help, and making it so. But I do have blood pressure, weight loss, reduced felt need to cough (which I do suppress in any case). No, there are real other indicators which tend to support my theory. Healthy in the long run? What is? :p Eating will eventually kill you!?! Or, something like that.
I had hoped to get over and help the neighbor with chores today. Technically, I was back from town in time, I could have done that. I just didn't quite have that last little bit I needed. I do hope I will get over there tomorrow. If they don't mind, I would like to help out every once in a while. If I could do it daily for a week, that would be good. Just to get a sense of... what animal rearing and husbandry and the rest is all about. I would also like to learn how to milk a goat. Just the notion... who would have thought I would ever even have such an opportunity? Or interest?
People must think I am just a lazy bum, truly. They can see no health issues, all my limbs are attached and working, I seem intelligent, I even seem not just mobile but... aggressively, forcefully, powerfully, quickly, fluidly mobile. I can beat the go-cart transports at the V.A., the ones they give people rides in from the parking lot or over other longer stretches inside the building (at both of our top speed, and probably only for a half a mile or less but never tested full bore for more than probably an eighth of a mile). I just can't always... focus... get it started... push passed something. Once the fuse is lit I am usually... at least good for a bit, usually.
So weird. The Ritalin did this, too. But it was the source, not simply something that moved the actual problem out of the way. These medicines leave it all up to me. It is fantastic to find that I actually will advance, given the chance. I will push on my own. I have drive, interest, want, and like to work. And I still have limits, from sitting down for the last twenty years. And even then, I must have been pushing as hard as I could into that immobile blockage or I would be far weaker than I am. I just really never could quit. That is why I always felt so stressed.
This blog has become my therapist, give or take. It's at least as useful as any therapist I have ever had, save one. And she had no idea how I used her (not abusively, mind you, much as I use doctors currently). While I am truthful to a degree, not all can be shared. Not with liberals, not with those of the indoctrinated set. They don't have it coming and have failed too often. I can use them, however. And I have, do, and will. Yes, therapy. And, no, you don't get the whole truth either. Unless you have the eyes to see and the ears by which to hear. Even then you just get the fundamentals. Or... not.
Have a good day. After I chill a bit from the trip and meal, I will get on that bike. Have a beautiful day, smile just because, and do something squirrelly just because. Life is good, we are all busy, but don't let the latter malinfluence the former. Ciao.
Missed an appointment.
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Oh, I saw it coming. And, I was moving in the right direction. Escape velocity slipped my grip. I called and reset the thing, for later in the afternoon, just in case, and next week for good measure. At least I understand my personal "mania" now. As I lose water and lower my blood pressure, something else kicks in and I am at first much more "alive", then I have more energy to do just about anything. There is something in there, mechanical as I suspected, if I must honestly say I can only guess what the true origins might be. And, when I become more functional, I am much better able to then manage that "mania". That, my friends, is not bipolar disorder. That is not manageable without medication. And it has nothing to do with the heart, water retention, or blood pressure. Fragging quacks!
So, what will I do today? Check my mail, first thing. And I still need to do some grocery shopping. Milk, some more meats, a few more veggies, MILK!, and who knows what else. I should make a list, but really, with the small one or two item meals I am going with, whatever looks or sounds good is... good enough. Oh, those Italian style cold cuts, the foreign named sausage slices and such, I definitely need some of those. Being as rich as they are, those are sort of a 3-package every other week sort of thing. A package of those last three to four days, usually, eaten with crackers and whatever cheese I have on hand.
The bike will be worked on, when I return. As well, I will try to find the camera, the card reader, and those hiking books. Oh, and I really need to do some more dishes. Laundry can wait. Hmm, I might go to Walmart and ask to speak with whoever it is that assembles the bikes (as that is a service they will do). Perhaps he would give free advice? If I show him the particular bike, he might know the problem right off hand. Barring that, I might take the bolt and nut in and see if there is a same-sized set, but with teeth for holding the cable.
Sam is pleased, she just doesn't know it. She missed going to the vet today. A short reprieve for the condemned. Fat (actually skinny, but) and happy, she knows nothing and yet seems to suspect much. Cross-eyed and pigeon-toed, but she is my girl Friday... If I understand the term correctly, as being a side-kick gal with whom I am not romantically involved (if she can be in love with me). Actually, I think Sam does sort of see me as a tom. When she doesn't see me as her mom. Bleh. Cats... Women cats! Women!
Well, a bit of tinkering as I try to get going on a more... even keel... or something. Have a wonderful day. Laugh, love, live, but do it... over there. Thanks! The Management. :)
.
Oh, I saw it coming. And, I was moving in the right direction. Escape velocity slipped my grip. I called and reset the thing, for later in the afternoon, just in case, and next week for good measure. At least I understand my personal "mania" now. As I lose water and lower my blood pressure, something else kicks in and I am at first much more "alive", then I have more energy to do just about anything. There is something in there, mechanical as I suspected, if I must honestly say I can only guess what the true origins might be. And, when I become more functional, I am much better able to then manage that "mania". That, my friends, is not bipolar disorder. That is not manageable without medication. And it has nothing to do with the heart, water retention, or blood pressure. Fragging quacks!
So, what will I do today? Check my mail, first thing. And I still need to do some grocery shopping. Milk, some more meats, a few more veggies, MILK!, and who knows what else. I should make a list, but really, with the small one or two item meals I am going with, whatever looks or sounds good is... good enough. Oh, those Italian style cold cuts, the foreign named sausage slices and such, I definitely need some of those. Being as rich as they are, those are sort of a 3-package every other week sort of thing. A package of those last three to four days, usually, eaten with crackers and whatever cheese I have on hand.
The bike will be worked on, when I return. As well, I will try to find the camera, the card reader, and those hiking books. Oh, and I really need to do some more dishes. Laundry can wait. Hmm, I might go to Walmart and ask to speak with whoever it is that assembles the bikes (as that is a service they will do). Perhaps he would give free advice? If I show him the particular bike, he might know the problem right off hand. Barring that, I might take the bolt and nut in and see if there is a same-sized set, but with teeth for holding the cable.
Sam is pleased, she just doesn't know it. She missed going to the vet today. A short reprieve for the condemned. Fat (actually skinny, but) and happy, she knows nothing and yet seems to suspect much. Cross-eyed and pigeon-toed, but she is my girl Friday... If I understand the term correctly, as being a side-kick gal with whom I am not romantically involved (if she can be in love with me). Actually, I think Sam does sort of see me as a tom. When she doesn't see me as her mom. Bleh. Cats... Women cats! Women!
Well, a bit of tinkering as I try to get going on a more... even keel... or something. Have a wonderful day. Laugh, love, live, but do it... over there. Thanks! The Management. :)
I was starting to wonder, worry.
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My blood pressure had not been dropping since I added a little extra lasix (water pill). While I was symptomatically and and in (what I thought was) a empirical way feeling better, my weight and blood pressure simply would not yield. But it had only been a few days. Still, there was zero movement. Finally, when I woke today, bp had dropped in to 137/84 with a pulse of 54 (a bit low?). Weight is down to a reasonable amount, sort of. They had wanted me to gain 4 pounds after two visits back, I am 6.6 pounds up, in spite of them not really seeming to care when I went over 10 pounds up. I simply don't have a sense that... what they want makes sense. It felt like things were being made up as we went along. They made rules for me, then promptly ignored the results. Maybe, for them, it all made sense. Results on my end were not stacking up and they kept changing the rules and adding medicine that, if not hurting necessarily, wasn't helping either. My turn, to a degree. And, if it is killing me I certainly feel better for it? Something like that.
I need to get going. I thought the appointment was at 14:00, it is at 13:00 and I woke late. Good day.
.
My blood pressure had not been dropping since I added a little extra lasix (water pill). While I was symptomatically and and in (what I thought was) a empirical way feeling better, my weight and blood pressure simply would not yield. But it had only been a few days. Still, there was zero movement. Finally, when I woke today, bp had dropped in to 137/84 with a pulse of 54 (a bit low?). Weight is down to a reasonable amount, sort of. They had wanted me to gain 4 pounds after two visits back, I am 6.6 pounds up, in spite of them not really seeming to care when I went over 10 pounds up. I simply don't have a sense that... what they want makes sense. It felt like things were being made up as we went along. They made rules for me, then promptly ignored the results. Maybe, for them, it all made sense. Results on my end were not stacking up and they kept changing the rules and adding medicine that, if not hurting necessarily, wasn't helping either. My turn, to a degree. And, if it is killing me I certainly feel better for it? Something like that.
I need to get going. I thought the appointment was at 14:00, it is at 13:00 and I woke late. Good day.
Bedtime?
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At 5:40, it's been a bit rough. I was ready for bed hours ago, sleep simply wouldn't happen. Not doing much feeds the cycle, but not being able to do much is a part OF the problem. Working on it. What is they say, what doesn't kill you only delays the inevitable? :p
A little morning mood setting for you.
Good night.
.
At 5:40, it's been a bit rough. I was ready for bed hours ago, sleep simply wouldn't happen. Not doing much feeds the cycle, but not being able to do much is a part OF the problem. Working on it. What is they say, what doesn't kill you only delays the inevitable? :p
A little morning mood setting for you.
Good night.
But of course.
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.
I probably am beginning to get better, again. The problem? I have to go through the unsettling stages, again, as well. I means I will be running a little hot until I can gear down. Long days, late nights, a messy schedule, and the rest. I had just begun to get a handle on that when water levels/blood pressure where allowed to deteriorate, and function with it. Oh well, I learned a great deal from that first time. It should be interesting to see if I can ride the waves more successfully now.
There isn't much in the news. Republicans look set to cave, one way or another, and completely. The presidential campaigns for the GOP are about as good as the summer movie line-up. Is there a summer movie line-up anymore or this year? Aliens & Cowboys is the only thing I have heard mentioned. Whatever. I had thought about seeing it, but... probably not. I just hate giving money to Hollywood. They were always rotten. But at one time they were, at least vocally, American. If they want to be worldly, let them join with the U.N. and get their arses to Switzerland or something. They would make quite the pair of industries.
Hmm, not sure what to do. I just know I can't sleep. And yet, I'm not doing enough better quite yet then to do more than just... not sleep? Something like that. I hope you are sleeping well. I'll get over it.
.
I probably am beginning to get better, again. The problem? I have to go through the unsettling stages, again, as well. I means I will be running a little hot until I can gear down. Long days, late nights, a messy schedule, and the rest. I had just begun to get a handle on that when water levels/blood pressure where allowed to deteriorate, and function with it. Oh well, I learned a great deal from that first time. It should be interesting to see if I can ride the waves more successfully now.
There isn't much in the news. Republicans look set to cave, one way or another, and completely. The presidential campaigns for the GOP are about as good as the summer movie line-up. Is there a summer movie line-up anymore or this year? Aliens & Cowboys is the only thing I have heard mentioned. Whatever. I had thought about seeing it, but... probably not. I just hate giving money to Hollywood. They were always rotten. But at one time they were, at least vocally, American. If they want to be worldly, let them join with the U.N. and get their arses to Switzerland or something. They would make quite the pair of industries.
Hmm, not sure what to do. I just know I can't sleep. And yet, I'm not doing enough better quite yet then to do more than just... not sleep? Something like that. I hope you are sleeping well. I'll get over it.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Another day of rest.
.
.
I sense that I am improving. It is not a quick thing. Today I needed rest. It seems, if I can do things, I can do much. If I cannot get passed whatever the problem is, I simply really can't. Now that I have seen fluid, blood pressure, and such at various levels, I am positive there is a link. It isn't a perfect link, it isn't absolute, but that is the key. It is in that muck somewhere. I don't even know if those are merely indicators of something else, if they go on to affect the heart and through it my blood flow and everything else, or if they are the sum of the problem. I simply don't know. Further, I don't think the doctors know. You can only memorize so much, you can only put just so many studies together in your mind, there are limits. And, of course, studies are often highly dubious. You can probably find a study to show whatever you wish to be shown. Tarot cards and star readings, almost.
I need to get into some kind of better physical condition beyond dealing with the stats. That can only happen if I keep the blood pressure and fluid levels are low enough to have a chance at function, thought, memory, and focus. Such a tricky thing. I definitely am not well qualified to do these things. And doctors don't know my particulars or the effects of medicine on me. Perhaps a bit of their and mine and it could happen.
I am hungry though. A very good sign. The meals I have been eating have gotten a bit scarce and small. Hunger is something I need. Much as thirst. These things have been flagging, along with the rest of my successes. To see hunger back is great. To that end I am thawing chicken gizzards and hearts for dinner. Tomorrow when I take Sam in for her last shot, I will do some shopping. I will ask if they can manage to have her there, give her the shot without me, and have her in the travel carrier when I return to pay. It often takes 45 minutes to an hour, or seems like it. Two trips to town otherwise, at this point, just seems a bit much.
As it is cooling I may go out and try to tinker with the brake line a bit. Between that and cooking, my day is otherwise empty. I needed it. To bed earlier tonight. I have definitely reset the computer clock to the correct time. Then again, I wonder if a flutter in electricity might reset the computer clock without booting the machine? I am almost certain I had the clock set yesterday.
Have a good evening.
.
I sense that I am improving. It is not a quick thing. Today I needed rest. It seems, if I can do things, I can do much. If I cannot get passed whatever the problem is, I simply really can't. Now that I have seen fluid, blood pressure, and such at various levels, I am positive there is a link. It isn't a perfect link, it isn't absolute, but that is the key. It is in that muck somewhere. I don't even know if those are merely indicators of something else, if they go on to affect the heart and through it my blood flow and everything else, or if they are the sum of the problem. I simply don't know. Further, I don't think the doctors know. You can only memorize so much, you can only put just so many studies together in your mind, there are limits. And, of course, studies are often highly dubious. You can probably find a study to show whatever you wish to be shown. Tarot cards and star readings, almost.
I need to get into some kind of better physical condition beyond dealing with the stats. That can only happen if I keep the blood pressure and fluid levels are low enough to have a chance at function, thought, memory, and focus. Such a tricky thing. I definitely am not well qualified to do these things. And doctors don't know my particulars or the effects of medicine on me. Perhaps a bit of their and mine and it could happen.
I am hungry though. A very good sign. The meals I have been eating have gotten a bit scarce and small. Hunger is something I need. Much as thirst. These things have been flagging, along with the rest of my successes. To see hunger back is great. To that end I am thawing chicken gizzards and hearts for dinner. Tomorrow when I take Sam in for her last shot, I will do some shopping. I will ask if they can manage to have her there, give her the shot without me, and have her in the travel carrier when I return to pay. It often takes 45 minutes to an hour, or seems like it. Two trips to town otherwise, at this point, just seems a bit much.
As it is cooling I may go out and try to tinker with the brake line a bit. Between that and cooking, my day is otherwise empty. I needed it. To bed earlier tonight. I have definitely reset the computer clock to the correct time. Then again, I wonder if a flutter in electricity might reset the computer clock without booting the machine? I am almost certain I had the clock set yesterday.
Have a good evening.
Oh, right.
.
.
I have been giving advice to someone about romance. My... notions are... harsh. Something about being hardnosed and not giving any wiggle room. And, while I do like my advice and take it myself (and yeah, it has been successful when employed, as successful as secular relationships allow), I am definitely single at the moment. I changed from secular to religious and... am contemplating, and ill. If too I do still have options. Never you mind. Still, that isn't the point. I would like to add something to my advice. If you can't quite do hardnosed, try this...
Oh, while it is fine to watch it in my blog, it is better to click over to YouTube where you can make it full screen. Yum!
Do you have the testosteroni for it? Oh yeah, it would work. And, knowing you... You could pull this or something like it off. Need a hand? I would help, and be the videographer. That expression is priceless and I would absolutely love capturing it. Love pron? Somethin'. And... she is hooked... HARD. She will now kill for him. Just... a thought.
You know who you are.
.
I have been giving advice to someone about romance. My... notions are... harsh. Something about being hardnosed and not giving any wiggle room. And, while I do like my advice and take it myself (and yeah, it has been successful when employed, as successful as secular relationships allow), I am definitely single at the moment. I changed from secular to religious and... am contemplating, and ill. If too I do still have options. Never you mind. Still, that isn't the point. I would like to add something to my advice. If you can't quite do hardnosed, try this...
Oh, while it is fine to watch it in my blog, it is better to click over to YouTube where you can make it full screen. Yum!
Do you have the testosteroni for it? Oh yeah, it would work. And, knowing you... You could pull this or something like it off. Need a hand? I would help, and be the videographer. That expression is priceless and I would absolutely love capturing it. Love pron? Somethin'. And... she is hooked... HARD. She will now kill for him. Just... a thought.
You know who you are.
I've got to!
.
.
Oh, just waking up and still a bit torqued about some things. Must have dreamed about them because I hit the flooring ready to pounce. Doctors, medicine, something, really has my tail under foot. *RRRyowcH* When every doctor you meet either acts like they are playing aggressive, even disrespectfully aggressive chess with you, treats you like you are a child, as if you are insane (if in a safe enough form of insanity to yell at you), or like you are an hysteric... and further makes huge mistakes in your care... not just one but every frigging one of them... you learn to have a deep seated absolutely confrontational or seriously passive but highly defensive approach when dealing with them (depending on which way they come at you and what you think is your best tactical tack response and think actual self preservation in these approaches).
It seems as if they want to get as close to healing/helping you as possible and then leave it one, two, or three ticks off target so that you are never quite 'good', you can't quite heal, you aren't comfortable. It's like they know, like an eye doctor might suspect when testing your eyes, "Is 1, *click* or 2, better?", your eyes what works, but doesn't want to give it to you. It's like that eye doctor wants your vision to be less than it could be. They seem to want to hurt me, they don't want me healthy. Well, the "good doctors" do that, the bad ones just give me a prescription for a rope, a step stool, and a few other things they really think I ought to use as they prescribed, verbatim. Some doctors you just have to see coming, the rest of them you shouldn't let near you. Fuckers.
You can't fully trust their medicine. Some of them, you think, are in the rightish neighborhood, often by accident. My health came about because three different doctors, uninvolved with the other two, I allowed to give me minimal prescriptions, of different kinds, and I took all of them on a... bet, a gamble. When you find those 'one to three ticks off doctors', if you are in good shape, you let them tinker a bit (until, again, they prove they have no idea what they are doing or are merely experimenting because you are particularly interesting or because they want you sick or worse), you do what you must, you take control and risks, and you do what you must. Oh, they will give me sh*t about it. And I will completely f'ing ignore them. If they want to cut me off, fine. They were ignoring my worries, my concerns, and even my needs. My blood pressure is still pretty high, my function level is still pretty low, my fluid level is high, but I have dropped 3 or 4 of that extra 10 pounds, and am starting to feel better again. A few more days to a week of playing ball by my rules and I should be back in the game. If they had at least given some kind of a nod to what I was concerned about it would have been easier. Nope, their way, their stuff, everything else ignored. Further, if this had been one iota successful, I might have just gone sledding with those notions. Nope, I was dropping like a rock, by adding weight, water, blood pressure, and loss of function. If it was winter, that too would have been another thing, a bit, but only regarding function. But it is not, there really isn't an external reason. Definitely the meds.
So, I expect they will lambast me, or sigh with disappointment, or check some little box, smirk, or give me crap in some other way. Tough titty, I don't trust them. And they haven't earned trust. They, like all before them, in any field, would just let me rot and not even worry about it. Just keep tossing meds, blood tests, other tests, and watching as I fall. Grima Wormtongues indeed. Where is my fucking sword! Ah well, some other King has decided to preserve them. Bah!
I went to bed far later than I had planned last night. I was watching the clock on the computer. I have to set that clock every time I turn the computer on, the loaner computer is missing a battery for powerdown back-up. I thought I had set it. Nope. What I thought was 21:43 was more like 23:54 or something. I closed up shop when I figured this all out. At least I slept well, and fell asleep easily. I set the alarm for 9:00 or something but wasn't out of that bed until 10:00 or a little more. The cats were not allowed in and were screwing around at the door all night. Still a bit burned out, from cat folly, dreams, and the last few days, I don't know if I will get to anything today. I would like to find that camera, tinker on the bike, and locate a card reader for the camera card, look for those hiking books, and make some calls. I don't know if I will do much, but I will... put in what I can.
Good day.
.
Oh, just waking up and still a bit torqued about some things. Must have dreamed about them because I hit the flooring ready to pounce. Doctors, medicine, something, really has my tail under foot. *RRRyowcH* When every doctor you meet either acts like they are playing aggressive, even disrespectfully aggressive chess with you, treats you like you are a child, as if you are insane (if in a safe enough form of insanity to yell at you), or like you are an hysteric... and further makes huge mistakes in your care... not just one but every frigging one of them... you learn to have a deep seated absolutely confrontational or seriously passive but highly defensive approach when dealing with them (depending on which way they come at you and what you think is your best tactical tack response and think actual self preservation in these approaches).
It seems as if they want to get as close to healing/helping you as possible and then leave it one, two, or three ticks off target so that you are never quite 'good', you can't quite heal, you aren't comfortable. It's like they know, like an eye doctor might suspect when testing your eyes, "Is 1, *click* or 2, better?", your eyes what works, but doesn't want to give it to you. It's like that eye doctor wants your vision to be less than it could be. They seem to want to hurt me, they don't want me healthy. Well, the "good doctors" do that, the bad ones just give me a prescription for a rope, a step stool, and a few other things they really think I ought to use as they prescribed, verbatim. Some doctors you just have to see coming, the rest of them you shouldn't let near you. Fuckers.
You can't fully trust their medicine. Some of them, you think, are in the rightish neighborhood, often by accident. My health came about because three different doctors, uninvolved with the other two, I allowed to give me minimal prescriptions, of different kinds, and I took all of them on a... bet, a gamble. When you find those 'one to three ticks off doctors', if you are in good shape, you let them tinker a bit (until, again, they prove they have no idea what they are doing or are merely experimenting because you are particularly interesting or because they want you sick or worse), you do what you must, you take control and risks, and you do what you must. Oh, they will give me sh*t about it. And I will completely f'ing ignore them. If they want to cut me off, fine. They were ignoring my worries, my concerns, and even my needs. My blood pressure is still pretty high, my function level is still pretty low, my fluid level is high, but I have dropped 3 or 4 of that extra 10 pounds, and am starting to feel better again. A few more days to a week of playing ball by my rules and I should be back in the game. If they had at least given some kind of a nod to what I was concerned about it would have been easier. Nope, their way, their stuff, everything else ignored. Further, if this had been one iota successful, I might have just gone sledding with those notions. Nope, I was dropping like a rock, by adding weight, water, blood pressure, and loss of function. If it was winter, that too would have been another thing, a bit, but only regarding function. But it is not, there really isn't an external reason. Definitely the meds.
So, I expect they will lambast me, or sigh with disappointment, or check some little box, smirk, or give me crap in some other way. Tough titty, I don't trust them. And they haven't earned trust. They, like all before them, in any field, would just let me rot and not even worry about it. Just keep tossing meds, blood tests, other tests, and watching as I fall. Grima Wormtongues indeed. Where is my fucking sword! Ah well, some other King has decided to preserve them. Bah!
I went to bed far later than I had planned last night. I was watching the clock on the computer. I have to set that clock every time I turn the computer on, the loaner computer is missing a battery for powerdown back-up. I thought I had set it. Nope. What I thought was 21:43 was more like 23:54 or something. I closed up shop when I figured this all out. At least I slept well, and fell asleep easily. I set the alarm for 9:00 or something but wasn't out of that bed until 10:00 or a little more. The cats were not allowed in and were screwing around at the door all night. Still a bit burned out, from cat folly, dreams, and the last few days, I don't know if I will get to anything today. I would like to find that camera, tinker on the bike, and locate a card reader for the camera card, look for those hiking books, and make some calls. I don't know if I will do much, but I will... put in what I can.
Good day.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Topics in the news.
.
.
While California is bleeding companies, and jobs, a half dozen conservative states are taking them in as fast as they can. I am sure many companies don't want to move to conservative states. They are in California because it is socially free there. They can smoke pot, have it delivered even. They can do anything they could in Sin City, without the flash and potential for other problems, so long as they keep it discreet. Similar to other states, all states?, but not. Money is king there, if you have it you can do whatever you want.
Now, it seems like California is losing. And they are. But... is that the plan? Every big business that leaves California and sets up shop in a conservative or at least business friendly state, whether it takes it's liberal employees or not, takes with it the mandate of quotas and the liberalization that is required by federal law and seemingly corporate group think these days. Is having 100,000 more jobs worth selling your soul? I don't know, just some thoughts.
The other thing I saw in the news was some sort of legislation (out of the House of course) to allow standard light bulbs, based on freedom of choice. Fine, nice. But far too late. I think half of the reason to ban filament light bulbs had more to do with removing that manufacturing sector from the U.S. That, most likely, has already been done. Republicans are so very reactive as to be comical, except it's not at all funny. And, yes, I think they know what they are doing. Let the thieves steal everything, then change the law saying that thieves can no longer steal, but grandfather in the theft. Whatever.
Politicians are not your savior, they aren't your friend, they aren't family, they are businessmen going about making life easier for themselves and for their clans. Even the ones I think could help, I am no fool, are not doing it for the right reasons, they aren't doing it for the good of men (it just happens that their way is preferable and most successful) and they would be just as bad if allowed free reign. Trust no man, especially politicians who play men in real life. Actors and businessmen. Then again, Democrats are outright evil. They MEAN to control you, hurt you, take your real rights, give you false ones, and rule. Republicans are just looking at making a buck and getting re-elected.
I expect a complete and utter Republican cave on the budget. Not only will almost no spending be cut, no amendment proposed, and taxes go up, but nothing will be tied to anything. Oh, there will be a "package". It will taste just like the last budget package. Perhaps that is politics, as good as they can do, but they will pay, right along with the Democrats. Unless people just give up. Actually, it looks like people are giving up. I'm not giving up, but I know the game is already lost. The economy could be repaired. The same way we could send men to Mars in a decade. My guess is, if we exist in a decade, we will all be third-worlders. Then again, banks won't be able to foreclose. There was a reason bandits were popular, even the more ruthless among them sometimes. When no one has anything, many dream of just taking what little anyone else has. Not good, but people are flawed.
Good night.
.
While California is bleeding companies, and jobs, a half dozen conservative states are taking them in as fast as they can. I am sure many companies don't want to move to conservative states. They are in California because it is socially free there. They can smoke pot, have it delivered even. They can do anything they could in Sin City, without the flash and potential for other problems, so long as they keep it discreet. Similar to other states, all states?, but not. Money is king there, if you have it you can do whatever you want.
Now, it seems like California is losing. And they are. But... is that the plan? Every big business that leaves California and sets up shop in a conservative or at least business friendly state, whether it takes it's liberal employees or not, takes with it the mandate of quotas and the liberalization that is required by federal law and seemingly corporate group think these days. Is having 100,000 more jobs worth selling your soul? I don't know, just some thoughts.
The other thing I saw in the news was some sort of legislation (out of the House of course) to allow standard light bulbs, based on freedom of choice. Fine, nice. But far too late. I think half of the reason to ban filament light bulbs had more to do with removing that manufacturing sector from the U.S. That, most likely, has already been done. Republicans are so very reactive as to be comical, except it's not at all funny. And, yes, I think they know what they are doing. Let the thieves steal everything, then change the law saying that thieves can no longer steal, but grandfather in the theft. Whatever.
Politicians are not your savior, they aren't your friend, they aren't family, they are businessmen going about making life easier for themselves and for their clans. Even the ones I think could help, I am no fool, are not doing it for the right reasons, they aren't doing it for the good of men (it just happens that their way is preferable and most successful) and they would be just as bad if allowed free reign. Trust no man, especially politicians who play men in real life. Actors and businessmen. Then again, Democrats are outright evil. They MEAN to control you, hurt you, take your real rights, give you false ones, and rule. Republicans are just looking at making a buck and getting re-elected.
I expect a complete and utter Republican cave on the budget. Not only will almost no spending be cut, no amendment proposed, and taxes go up, but nothing will be tied to anything. Oh, there will be a "package". It will taste just like the last budget package. Perhaps that is politics, as good as they can do, but they will pay, right along with the Democrats. Unless people just give up. Actually, it looks like people are giving up. I'm not giving up, but I know the game is already lost. The economy could be repaired. The same way we could send men to Mars in a decade. My guess is, if we exist in a decade, we will all be third-worlders. Then again, banks won't be able to foreclose. There was a reason bandits were popular, even the more ruthless among them sometimes. When no one has anything, many dream of just taking what little anyone else has. Not good, but people are flawed.
Good night.
I am taking a risk.
.
.
My ability to function has decreased with increased fluid and blood pressure. None of that seems to bother the doctors. Nor does gaining ten pounds, when I thought the cutoff was about five pounds. My sense of being under water keeps increasing, as well... pulmonary edema, full blown, seems to be just around the corner. I won't go there. While I understand there are other parameters to be watched, I simply won't allow edema to creep back in, for any reason. So, I'm going to do what I feel I must. I will let them know tomorrow... or... whenever I can get my head screwed around doing... making... some calls. Another 20 mg of lasix, in the evening for now. If that doesn't work I'll move it to the morning with the rest of it.
I keep 'oiling' my ears. They should be loose enough to use the bulb syringe to attempt to remove the wax. Two things seem to perplex me. One of them is that I need to get water to as close to body temperature as possible. Oddly, I am not sure how to go about that. The thermometers I have are digital, and the ones with alarms do not offer an alarm as temperatures fall. I am not even sure if they are useful at that low of a temperature. If they do go that low, I would probably have to do a fairly large 'batch' of water, as a small amount would heat too quickly. The other problem is, in the evenings when I would truly consider doing this, I have been extremely tired. My evenings are becoming what my whole days used to be. Focus is off. Then again, I think night time exhaustion is... good. normal. Perhaps a little heavier for me than most, but... it beats being like that all day.
The duct tape does seem to be working on the moles. They aren't gone. But they do look like coop shoppers now compared to steak restaurant eaters before duct tape. They look wasted, pale, and near death. A few more days of tape and I will use one of my pocket knives to... explore. I don't want them to bleed, I merely wish to see if the skin around them will loosen a bit, perhaps to see if they will pop out. Who knows. No surgery, just some investigation. I have been plagued by these darned things before. If this works, I will be eminently pleased. Doctors... they just had me come back, and back, and back, until I gave up on them. Eventually they do go away. But for me, it was years, not a year or two. Gross! *zip* That's all they wrote for you, Mr. Wart... I hope.
Pretty zapped still. Not as bad as earlier. I was hoping to avoid a nap. Now I am just trying to hang on until 21:00 to 22:00. It seems when I try to hang on, I zombify and sometimes, then, can't sleep at all. Such a balancing act. But I am learning so much about how to treat the little problems. Not always successfully, every time, but the tricks are real and often work. A little more consciousness, a little more of an ability to focus, and added memory all lend a significant amount to function. Each is exponentially adding to my function. Combined? I honestly wonder what God ever had in mind for me if I were to be fully functional? Seriously, it's almost frightening. I am almost glad I am ill. I'm not sure I could use what is here, in my flesh. Now I am passing my prime, the onus of excellence is past. But I could still... make a decent life for myself, in a small way. That's good enough for me. It's all I ever hoped.
Well, on to tinkering. Just reading, blogging rounds, a bit of gaming, and cooling down while staying up for a decent night's sleep. Good night. God bless.
.
My ability to function has decreased with increased fluid and blood pressure. None of that seems to bother the doctors. Nor does gaining ten pounds, when I thought the cutoff was about five pounds. My sense of being under water keeps increasing, as well... pulmonary edema, full blown, seems to be just around the corner. I won't go there. While I understand there are other parameters to be watched, I simply won't allow edema to creep back in, for any reason. So, I'm going to do what I feel I must. I will let them know tomorrow... or... whenever I can get my head screwed around doing... making... some calls. Another 20 mg of lasix, in the evening for now. If that doesn't work I'll move it to the morning with the rest of it.
I keep 'oiling' my ears. They should be loose enough to use the bulb syringe to attempt to remove the wax. Two things seem to perplex me. One of them is that I need to get water to as close to body temperature as possible. Oddly, I am not sure how to go about that. The thermometers I have are digital, and the ones with alarms do not offer an alarm as temperatures fall. I am not even sure if they are useful at that low of a temperature. If they do go that low, I would probably have to do a fairly large 'batch' of water, as a small amount would heat too quickly. The other problem is, in the evenings when I would truly consider doing this, I have been extremely tired. My evenings are becoming what my whole days used to be. Focus is off. Then again, I think night time exhaustion is... good. normal. Perhaps a little heavier for me than most, but... it beats being like that all day.
The duct tape does seem to be working on the moles. They aren't gone. But they do look like coop shoppers now compared to steak restaurant eaters before duct tape. They look wasted, pale, and near death. A few more days of tape and I will use one of my pocket knives to... explore. I don't want them to bleed, I merely wish to see if the skin around them will loosen a bit, perhaps to see if they will pop out. Who knows. No surgery, just some investigation. I have been plagued by these darned things before. If this works, I will be eminently pleased. Doctors... they just had me come back, and back, and back, until I gave up on them. Eventually they do go away. But for me, it was years, not a year or two. Gross! *zip* That's all they wrote for you, Mr. Wart... I hope.
Pretty zapped still. Not as bad as earlier. I was hoping to avoid a nap. Now I am just trying to hang on until 21:00 to 22:00. It seems when I try to hang on, I zombify and sometimes, then, can't sleep at all. Such a balancing act. But I am learning so much about how to treat the little problems. Not always successfully, every time, but the tricks are real and often work. A little more consciousness, a little more of an ability to focus, and added memory all lend a significant amount to function. Each is exponentially adding to my function. Combined? I honestly wonder what God ever had in mind for me if I were to be fully functional? Seriously, it's almost frightening. I am almost glad I am ill. I'm not sure I could use what is here, in my flesh. Now I am passing my prime, the onus of excellence is past. But I could still... make a decent life for myself, in a small way. That's good enough for me. It's all I ever hoped.
Well, on to tinkering. Just reading, blogging rounds, a bit of gaming, and cooling down while staying up for a decent night's sleep. Good night. God bless.
It was a rough one.
.
.
The drive was great. The weather is cooler with a storm passing through. Traffic was rather mild, not too thick, mean, or slow. The appointment was a breeze. I did ask about an APAP but I was told that is contraindicated because of my heart condition. And the bi-PAP was out too. So, it's a CPAP. I am supposed to call someone and set up an in-home setup. But I truly hate having people in my home, you never know what kind of creepy people will arrive. And it seems, more and more, if the work has anything to do with the government, the workers will be the gnarliest people the government can find. So, I may see if I can go in to an office and have it done. Some people I don't want in my house, heck, I don't want them to know where I live. How can I know if they just show up?
In spite of pushing, hard, to make it. I never quite... pulled myself out of that morning exhaustion. It is not like, lately, I have been overflowing with energy. But I have been rested when I wake, I have been able to do some things on some days, and it hasn't been an issue to my conscious mind. I am doing less these last few weeks. But I haven't felt tired. Today is different. No matter, I did make it in, on time, and got it done. The woman doing the physical and review... was shocked at me. She simply couldn't wrap her head around my physical condition and physical appearance. She stated simply that I shouldn't... look this good. And I suggested, or do what I do as well as I do, given all. I could have said more, but that would have just been snark (not at her, or doctors, just... just snark). It might have been funny too, in a guy way. But one must assume all professional women are feminists and never discuss anything with them. Ever.
Anyway, that is where things stand. I honestly doubt if I have any sleep apnea whatsoever. I never just fall asleep. Heck, sometimes I CAN'T even nap when I want. Tired, sure. But the heart covers that. The only reason I went with the machine is just in case the machine might improve conditions brought about by the heart condition. There is no more a sleep apnea problem than there was a psychiatric condition. I will try it for a month, maybe two. If I see no improvement, I will toss Darth Vader's lungbox back to them.
Later.
.
The drive was great. The weather is cooler with a storm passing through. Traffic was rather mild, not too thick, mean, or slow. The appointment was a breeze. I did ask about an APAP but I was told that is contraindicated because of my heart condition. And the bi-PAP was out too. So, it's a CPAP. I am supposed to call someone and set up an in-home setup. But I truly hate having people in my home, you never know what kind of creepy people will arrive. And it seems, more and more, if the work has anything to do with the government, the workers will be the gnarliest people the government can find. So, I may see if I can go in to an office and have it done. Some people I don't want in my house, heck, I don't want them to know where I live. How can I know if they just show up?
In spite of pushing, hard, to make it. I never quite... pulled myself out of that morning exhaustion. It is not like, lately, I have been overflowing with energy. But I have been rested when I wake, I have been able to do some things on some days, and it hasn't been an issue to my conscious mind. I am doing less these last few weeks. But I haven't felt tired. Today is different. No matter, I did make it in, on time, and got it done. The woman doing the physical and review... was shocked at me. She simply couldn't wrap her head around my physical condition and physical appearance. She stated simply that I shouldn't... look this good. And I suggested, or do what I do as well as I do, given all. I could have said more, but that would have just been snark (not at her, or doctors, just... just snark). It might have been funny too, in a guy way. But one must assume all professional women are feminists and never discuss anything with them. Ever.
Anyway, that is where things stand. I honestly doubt if I have any sleep apnea whatsoever. I never just fall asleep. Heck, sometimes I CAN'T even nap when I want. Tired, sure. But the heart covers that. The only reason I went with the machine is just in case the machine might improve conditions brought about by the heart condition. There is no more a sleep apnea problem than there was a psychiatric condition. I will try it for a month, maybe two. If I see no improvement, I will toss Darth Vader's lungbox back to them.
Later.
Oh, where is that rock?
.
.
I know I just crawled out from under it, or was it taken away from me? Tired, to be sure. I didn't hear the alarm until 6:30. I did wake pretty quickly after the sound penetrated to my mind, it had been going off since 6:00. But I got up, got on the scale, took my meds, and then thought, "YOUCH! I am so very tired." It may have been just being out in the heat most of yesterday, tinkering on that darned uncooperative bike. Concentrating all day, pouring my efforts in on a project that truly kept me busy all day, mostly out in the heat, probably helped to wear me down. Oh, poor baby you say? Yeah, I know. You do that 5 to 7 days a week, then go out for your play time. I haven't been able to do that for decades or I would have, damn you. I could make a lot more money applying myself in fields that interest me.
Plus, I would be working on interesting things and meeting some of the dullest people you can think of. Not stupid, just not excitable. Precisely the people I like to work with. Then again, I think engineering types, and possibly some mathematicians, are quiet because they realize how stupid we and others are in a way, and how dangerous opinions can be to careers. We live in the U.S.S.A. now. Say nigger and you could get fired, have your career ruined, even be sued for harassment. It might even technically be dangerous to write in a post. Even more reason to not work with minorities or women, and it is worth looking for jobs were there are none. Then again, you still have to watch for the little 'state thought alarmists' who have crept into so many offices, minor places of power, into PR and HR departments of companies, government posts everywhere and always, and wherever else they may sneak in. A slip of the tongue, a bit of anger, believed in or not... *BAM* Your career is over, your hard earned degree becomes mere paper, toast. Have they bastardized Twain's/Clemens' writings yet?
I just want to crawl back under the covers. I just want to go back to bed. I really considered calling in and rescheduling, but... no. I will dig into my expressed persona, real or not, dig through the piggy bank of energy for the remnants, and push, pull, shove, trick, and anything else I can use to get myself through the motions. A cup of wonderful coffee might help, but it also might raise my pulse. A double breve, medium, with vanilla... iced. Maybe two! Or if I sort of make it at home, a doser per 2 ounces of water, milk (or whole cream if I had it), vanilla extract (real), and sugar, with ice. Oh, wait! It's not with the heart people... Oh, best get some water on, quick! No, too late for that. But I could pick one up on the way? No, expensive and... by then the need will have passed.
I hope to find a bike mechanic who can lead me in the right direction today. I would sure like to get on that bike. But... not without a front brake! On the flip side, that I could work on a project for a full day and more... super! Sustainable? It is an improvement, vast improvement.
Good fortunes with your day.
.
I know I just crawled out from under it, or was it taken away from me? Tired, to be sure. I didn't hear the alarm until 6:30. I did wake pretty quickly after the sound penetrated to my mind, it had been going off since 6:00. But I got up, got on the scale, took my meds, and then thought, "YOUCH! I am so very tired." It may have been just being out in the heat most of yesterday, tinkering on that darned uncooperative bike. Concentrating all day, pouring my efforts in on a project that truly kept me busy all day, mostly out in the heat, probably helped to wear me down. Oh, poor baby you say? Yeah, I know. You do that 5 to 7 days a week, then go out for your play time. I haven't been able to do that for decades or I would have, damn you. I could make a lot more money applying myself in fields that interest me.
Plus, I would be working on interesting things and meeting some of the dullest people you can think of. Not stupid, just not excitable. Precisely the people I like to work with. Then again, I think engineering types, and possibly some mathematicians, are quiet because they realize how stupid we and others are in a way, and how dangerous opinions can be to careers. We live in the U.S.S.A. now. Say nigger and you could get fired, have your career ruined, even be sued for harassment. It might even technically be dangerous to write in a post. Even more reason to not work with minorities or women, and it is worth looking for jobs were there are none. Then again, you still have to watch for the little 'state thought alarmists' who have crept into so many offices, minor places of power, into PR and HR departments of companies, government posts everywhere and always, and wherever else they may sneak in. A slip of the tongue, a bit of anger, believed in or not... *BAM* Your career is over, your hard earned degree becomes mere paper, toast. Have they bastardized Twain's/Clemens' writings yet?
I just want to crawl back under the covers. I just want to go back to bed. I really considered calling in and rescheduling, but... no. I will dig into my expressed persona, real or not, dig through the piggy bank of energy for the remnants, and push, pull, shove, trick, and anything else I can use to get myself through the motions. A cup of wonderful coffee might help, but it also might raise my pulse. A double breve, medium, with vanilla... iced. Maybe two! Or if I sort of make it at home, a doser per 2 ounces of water, milk (or whole cream if I had it), vanilla extract (real), and sugar, with ice. Oh, wait! It's not with the heart people... Oh, best get some water on, quick! No, too late for that. But I could pick one up on the way? No, expensive and... by then the need will have passed.
I hope to find a bike mechanic who can lead me in the right direction today. I would sure like to get on that bike. But... not without a front brake! On the flip side, that I could work on a project for a full day and more... super! Sustainable? It is an improvement, vast improvement.
Good fortunes with your day.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dang it!
.
.
An appointment snuck up. Thankfully they called. But, tomorrow, early, and I'm having trouble crashing. It's nearly midnight and I need to be up by 6:00. Yeah, I know, that's just a bit shy on sleep. But it assumes I can fall right to sleep and that I can wake up. I've been wrestling that darned bike all day. It really shouldn't be this hard. Perhaps the bike is broken? I will be stopping at a bike shop tomorrow, or several until I find someone with answers. I am tired but that does not mean I will sleep. This is for the CPAP machine. I think I have D.C.'s comment regarding that on my cellphone email still. I do believe they plan on offering an APAP, since they couldn't get, exactly, what they wanted from testing. Look, I'll examine their data, but I'm telling you, I probably don't need the device. Still, if they are a go with it, I'll try it. How long before I know whether the device is bunk or whether I really could use it?
While I am there, I will ask them to print out my upcoming appointments. And... I will try not to lose that list. Further, I will try to get my appointments put into my cell phone. I am really falling down. Is it really the blood pressure going back up a bit which is doing it? Is it the heat? My pulse is remaining low. I am thinking they want more water in me than what works well for high functioning. Water, high blood pressure... blood pressure, water... When one or both of those is up, regardless if one causes the other or they are independent, my all around function decreases. But if I lower those, my kidney function degrades, fairly quickly. *grump* I was doing so well. Now I am just... hanging on, mostly.
Well, on to bed. Good night, Mary Ellen.
.
An appointment snuck up. Thankfully they called. But, tomorrow, early, and I'm having trouble crashing. It's nearly midnight and I need to be up by 6:00. Yeah, I know, that's just a bit shy on sleep. But it assumes I can fall right to sleep and that I can wake up. I've been wrestling that darned bike all day. It really shouldn't be this hard. Perhaps the bike is broken? I will be stopping at a bike shop tomorrow, or several until I find someone with answers. I am tired but that does not mean I will sleep. This is for the CPAP machine. I think I have D.C.'s comment regarding that on my cellphone email still. I do believe they plan on offering an APAP, since they couldn't get, exactly, what they wanted from testing. Look, I'll examine their data, but I'm telling you, I probably don't need the device. Still, if they are a go with it, I'll try it. How long before I know whether the device is bunk or whether I really could use it?
While I am there, I will ask them to print out my upcoming appointments. And... I will try not to lose that list. Further, I will try to get my appointments put into my cell phone. I am really falling down. Is it really the blood pressure going back up a bit which is doing it? Is it the heat? My pulse is remaining low. I am thinking they want more water in me than what works well for high functioning. Water, high blood pressure... blood pressure, water... When one or both of those is up, regardless if one causes the other or they are independent, my all around function decreases. But if I lower those, my kidney function degrades, fairly quickly. *grump* I was doing so well. Now I am just... hanging on, mostly.
Well, on to bed. Good night, Mary Ellen.
Is it assembled yet?
.
.
Nope. I thought it might take an hour, at worst two hours, to put the bike together. Nope. Actually, I have been doing quite well to be honest. Though there doesn't appear to be that much work, and really there isn't, just unpacking the thing, cutting off the protective pieces, taking off knob protectors, and getting through the double heavily stapled boxes (there were two) in the first place ate probably an hour by itself. No complaints about the packing mind you, the bike is in excellent shape. Further, each part of the project requires some reading, some adjusting, and a bit of assembly. I have everything but the tires inflated and the breaks adjusted.
With it being warm and working up to being hot, I worked for a good three hours, doing quite well really for my first bike, then I finally needed to cool off a bit. I had tinkered with the breaks just a bit but it wasn't going so well. I brought the fine print instructions in, to read while I chill. I love the various tools I recently purchase, they will be all I need to do almost anything to the bike. Anything a typical bike user could reasonably expect to be able to do, those tools will suffice. There is enough double coverage of items so that I can really zing, and they all fit the size of a huge and thick wallet and cell phone sized belt holsters or can be put in the pack or the saddle I bought for the bike.
Oh, pleased, to be sure. A little worried about the breaks though. The front break wire nut assembly is simply not grabbing the line, or... I'm not doing something right. I hope the instructions will give me something I am missing. I didn't have to assemble to 21 speeds, or chain. I am very happy with both my innate mechanical ability and the ease by which I grab tools and the right sizes almost naturally. If anything, I simply don't like to read instructions first. With good instructions, which they have been so far, I have had no problem. A little frustrated though, with the information that came with the bike. I have dozens of big easy-to-read pages, and several booklets actually, about safety, rules of the road, this and that, and then an extremely small instruction booklet about how to assemble the thing, actually just one page, 3/4 the size of a normal sheet, folded into quarters, with very small print. And they even added two quarters of those folds just for rules of the road and more safety instructions. Bah! I say we hang some lawyers! Tar and feather you say? All good. I'll... figure it out. At least I have the internet these days, for as long as that lasts, if the instructions aren't good. My guess is bike break assemblies are rather standard, at least for each type of break.
A bit of lunch, three frozen burritos, microwaved to as good as they get. Cheap and easy. They usually taste like cardboard and beef flavored lard, with beans, give or take. I've found some that are at least a bit better. And I found that adding cheese (real stuff, cheddar this time) after the first run through the microwave, and perhaps adding cayenne or other hot and herb stuff, really adds to the meal. I am liking little meals often. Easier to keep up with the dishes, I am sure, if I ever get caught up in the first place anyway.
Later.
.
Nope. I thought it might take an hour, at worst two hours, to put the bike together. Nope. Actually, I have been doing quite well to be honest. Though there doesn't appear to be that much work, and really there isn't, just unpacking the thing, cutting off the protective pieces, taking off knob protectors, and getting through the double heavily stapled boxes (there were two) in the first place ate probably an hour by itself. No complaints about the packing mind you, the bike is in excellent shape. Further, each part of the project requires some reading, some adjusting, and a bit of assembly. I have everything but the tires inflated and the breaks adjusted.
With it being warm and working up to being hot, I worked for a good three hours, doing quite well really for my first bike, then I finally needed to cool off a bit. I had tinkered with the breaks just a bit but it wasn't going so well. I brought the fine print instructions in, to read while I chill. I love the various tools I recently purchase, they will be all I need to do almost anything to the bike. Anything a typical bike user could reasonably expect to be able to do, those tools will suffice. There is enough double coverage of items so that I can really zing, and they all fit the size of a huge and thick wallet and cell phone sized belt holsters or can be put in the pack or the saddle I bought for the bike.
Oh, pleased, to be sure. A little worried about the breaks though. The front break wire nut assembly is simply not grabbing the line, or... I'm not doing something right. I hope the instructions will give me something I am missing. I didn't have to assemble to 21 speeds, or chain. I am very happy with both my innate mechanical ability and the ease by which I grab tools and the right sizes almost naturally. If anything, I simply don't like to read instructions first. With good instructions, which they have been so far, I have had no problem. A little frustrated though, with the information that came with the bike. I have dozens of big easy-to-read pages, and several booklets actually, about safety, rules of the road, this and that, and then an extremely small instruction booklet about how to assemble the thing, actually just one page, 3/4 the size of a normal sheet, folded into quarters, with very small print. And they even added two quarters of those folds just for rules of the road and more safety instructions. Bah! I say we hang some lawyers! Tar and feather you say? All good. I'll... figure it out. At least I have the internet these days, for as long as that lasts, if the instructions aren't good. My guess is bike break assemblies are rather standard, at least for each type of break.
A bit of lunch, three frozen burritos, microwaved to as good as they get. Cheap and easy. They usually taste like cardboard and beef flavored lard, with beans, give or take. I've found some that are at least a bit better. And I found that adding cheese (real stuff, cheddar this time) after the first run through the microwave, and perhaps adding cayenne or other hot and herb stuff, really adds to the meal. I am liking little meals often. Easier to keep up with the dishes, I am sure, if I ever get caught up in the first place anyway.
Later.
Okay. Hmm.
.
.
Oh, you are still there? Fine.
Remember, when reading here, a Jewish man created Superman shortly after the Holocausts of WWII. Damaged souls seek shelter in the impossible. Never mind my writing, should you not believe. (Or, believe whatever you wish.)
I went to bed earlier but also woke a bit later, sometime shortly after 8:00. I think I will try using the alarm clock to wake more around the 6:00 range. Then again, just because I crawl in bed at 22:00 doesn't mean I fall asleep at that time. Hmm, I'll keep working on that. I absolutely love waking early. I know winters will be difficult, with the change in dawn. But if I can hammer forge waking early now, perhaps it won't be so bad then.
I am still waking, at 10:00. Lots of reading this morning, though. News, blogs, other stuff... the birds of the net are back to chirping after a seemingly slow spring and early summer. Well, that and I am both reading more, better, more broadly. I can read. I have more sufficient interest in reading. All fair. All good.
I need to get up and going though. I want to get that bike put together before it gets too hot. I don't know if I will ride it right away. I really don't like the heat, not this kind of heat, not with the humidity such an issue. Not around noon. But perhaps later this afternoon, assuming I can wrangle parts, understanding, my temper, the tools, and simple and more complex along with new ways of thinking. This will be my first bicycle to assemble... possibly ever and certainly ever on my own. I decided to put it together both because I don't necessarily trust others and because I wanted to have an idea of how to do things should something break, I lose the chain, or... whatever. I am excited though!
I am figuring out how to keep my home cool. The west and south windows need to be opened about sunset, maybe an hour later. I don't bother with the upstairs windows ever, as there are many, they are too easily forgotten, and thought they might help it would only be 'a bit'. Somewhere between 9:00 and 13:00, the west windows have to be closed (before the sun crosses over enough to shine in for sure, and before the heat of the day begins to come in). The time varies according to how much heat remains through the night and a number of other factors. The south windows can stay open much later. They open to the back yard, shaded by trees and garage to a later time, and offer air flow to the rest of the house. Bit by bit I am learning the trim and jib of my home. Though I must admit, it is more art than science. But luck is a choice, for the most part.
Off to shower, shave, and build me some bike! Be wonderful. Love your neighbor. But you can pick on the jerk. It'll loosen me up for lovin' later. Meh... Get Out!
.
Oh, you are still there? Fine.
Remember, when reading here, a Jewish man created Superman shortly after the Holocausts of WWII. Damaged souls seek shelter in the impossible. Never mind my writing, should you not believe. (Or, believe whatever you wish.)
I went to bed earlier but also woke a bit later, sometime shortly after 8:00. I think I will try using the alarm clock to wake more around the 6:00 range. Then again, just because I crawl in bed at 22:00 doesn't mean I fall asleep at that time. Hmm, I'll keep working on that. I absolutely love waking early. I know winters will be difficult, with the change in dawn. But if I can hammer forge waking early now, perhaps it won't be so bad then.
I am still waking, at 10:00. Lots of reading this morning, though. News, blogs, other stuff... the birds of the net are back to chirping after a seemingly slow spring and early summer. Well, that and I am both reading more, better, more broadly. I can read. I have more sufficient interest in reading. All fair. All good.
I need to get up and going though. I want to get that bike put together before it gets too hot. I don't know if I will ride it right away. I really don't like the heat, not this kind of heat, not with the humidity such an issue. Not around noon. But perhaps later this afternoon, assuming I can wrangle parts, understanding, my temper, the tools, and simple and more complex along with new ways of thinking. This will be my first bicycle to assemble... possibly ever and certainly ever on my own. I decided to put it together both because I don't necessarily trust others and because I wanted to have an idea of how to do things should something break, I lose the chain, or... whatever. I am excited though!
I am figuring out how to keep my home cool. The west and south windows need to be opened about sunset, maybe an hour later. I don't bother with the upstairs windows ever, as there are many, they are too easily forgotten, and thought they might help it would only be 'a bit'. Somewhere between 9:00 and 13:00, the west windows have to be closed (before the sun crosses over enough to shine in for sure, and before the heat of the day begins to come in). The time varies according to how much heat remains through the night and a number of other factors. The south windows can stay open much later. They open to the back yard, shaded by trees and garage to a later time, and offer air flow to the rest of the house. Bit by bit I am learning the trim and jib of my home. Though I must admit, it is more art than science. But luck is a choice, for the most part.
Off to shower, shave, and build me some bike! Be wonderful. Love your neighbor. But you can pick on the jerk. It'll loosen me up for lovin' later. Meh... Get Out!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Hmm.
.
.
The temp is reading right at 79. But it feels much hotter, to me. Maybe it's the 53% dewpoint or the 40% humidity, whichever you know. For whatever reason I feel like I am being barbequed. I have been unable to reach my friend by phone. This is the second or third time this has happened. When I dropped by, last time, it sounded like there was a kids birthday party upstairs, above him. That... could chase him right out of his apartment. He likes things quiet. While not good, in one way, if it gets him out that might help him, like it or not. So long as he has a cool place to go.
Walmart was great, about informing me the bike was in. They sent an email, but after I returned home yesterday. Then they called me today. I suspect the slowdown on the delivery isn't just the weight, but the bulk of the container. A 29" bike, only partially taken down, has to be fitted into space, and that is probably done by a computer anymore. So such an item has to wait until the computer decides a more economic fit will occur. Yeah, but I had to complain and go off on a tangent anyway. I will probably wait until it is a bit cooler to drive in. It seems they are open until 20:00, for that sort of pickup. I will probably aim for 16:00, when it cools just a bit, maybe. A shower, which I still haven't had, some dishes first though, then... who knows.
Have a good day.
.
The temp is reading right at 79. But it feels much hotter, to me. Maybe it's the 53% dewpoint or the 40% humidity, whichever you know. For whatever reason I feel like I am being barbequed. I have been unable to reach my friend by phone. This is the second or third time this has happened. When I dropped by, last time, it sounded like there was a kids birthday party upstairs, above him. That... could chase him right out of his apartment. He likes things quiet. While not good, in one way, if it gets him out that might help him, like it or not. So long as he has a cool place to go.
Walmart was great, about informing me the bike was in. They sent an email, but after I returned home yesterday. Then they called me today. I suspect the slowdown on the delivery isn't just the weight, but the bulk of the container. A 29" bike, only partially taken down, has to be fitted into space, and that is probably done by a computer anymore. So such an item has to wait until the computer decides a more economic fit will occur. Yeah, but I had to complain and go off on a tangent anyway. I will probably wait until it is a bit cooler to drive in. It seems they are open until 20:00, for that sort of pickup. I will probably aim for 16:00, when it cools just a bit, maybe. A shower, which I still haven't had, some dishes first though, then... who knows.
Have a good day.
Slipping.
.
.
I have been doing extremely well. I haven't missed an appointment, without intention and usually calling in, for months? Many months? I think I have all of my bills tended. There might be one out there I need to wrangle, but... Most of them are exactly on track, up to date, and on time. My lawn has been tended and is being maintained. Laundry is caught up and kept up. Dishes... shut up. Most of my life, down to food and medicine is working like clockwork. But... I feel that sliding, slipping, loss of traction, confusion, and uncertainty about direction creeping in. That scares me as much as serious pain. More so, in a way, in that I often can't feel pain. With Pain, it's mostly the thought that counts.
I have appointments coming up. But, I've lost track. I need to call Monday and check on those. I have an appointment for Sam and Sassy coming up. I know when but I need to call and rearrange the Sassy part of it, putting that off until August or September, with money being just a wee worrying, birth-month bills coming up, and the visit from my mother to expense. There are other things, but... those are the immediate worries. And they have been on my mind for a bit, only coming to a head on... a Sunday? What can I do on a Sunday? I can only hope to remember on Monday. But I have known, I have just not been... tending my fears, worries, concerns. Have I been unable... or unwilling... or... what?
But more, it's a general feeling of loss of... control... will... strength or actionability of will? When I left my foster home, I did so for a number of reasons. One of the most potent was this same feeling. I had taken my grades from a 2.0ish in junior high to a 3.57 as a junior in high school (when grades actually, you know, were grades). I just missed AP classes, though I think it was as political and social as it was grades, or more. Between snobbishness and the liberal mindset of teachers even back then (always?), I didn't make the cut. While no longer liberal by that time, I was morphing between libertarian (before it was named) and conservative. I was certainly not a fit. I played football, basketball, and track, and successfully for my level (if not outstanding in anything). I was involved with advanced projects at school, as well, in spite of not being AP. But... it was slipping. I feared disappointing my foster parents more than I feared leaving. How was I to know my foster father would have a final heart attack a few months later. Life is too much sometimes. In any case, I ran and hid, I had... nothing with which to hold onto my successes. I had no words to express my horror, or even tell them what was happening.
I have had good times before, times of health, and reasoning, and being on schedule, as an adult. They have all slipped. No amount of grip or hold or push or pull could keep control. I think it is different this time. Maybe. At least I do believe I have far more tools available at this time, and experience. Whatever strength I lacked, whatever insights I didn't have, and certainly the experience of going through this, I may have more of those things this time. But more, I think what was holding me down, randomly, invisibly, mechanically... my heart... is being treated. But is it enough? Is anything enough against what is pulling me down? Am I still very crippled? Is the heart all of it? Oh I hate this feeling, this uncertainty. I will merely, to be honest, focus on my goals, try no harder or more lightly, and keep busy with those things I should, want, and need to do. Much like driving over a patch of ice, the best thing to do is to keep your wheels as they were (or maybe try to straighten them gingerly), don't accelerate or break, but don't freeze, yourself, as you may actually need to do the seemingly unwise in order to actually maintain control or do the right thing and steer into a swerve, keep the vehicle on the road, keep the wheels down. Yes, I am sweating. Literally when I realize how far I have climbed in the elevation of success, how steep the descent, how icy the road I travel.
Bah. I will make it. If not I will make it back up and climb higher. I am sure of it. It would just hurt on the way down. My ego, too, is fragile for all the armor and weapons I wear and maintain. Maybe that is WHY I carry such terrible things? :p A shower, grooming, and a call to see if my friend is around, and then a drive to pick up a bike and maybe check on a friend. Later.
.
I have been doing extremely well. I haven't missed an appointment, without intention and usually calling in, for months? Many months? I think I have all of my bills tended. There might be one out there I need to wrangle, but... Most of them are exactly on track, up to date, and on time. My lawn has been tended and is being maintained. Laundry is caught up and kept up. Dishes... shut up. Most of my life, down to food and medicine is working like clockwork. But... I feel that sliding, slipping, loss of traction, confusion, and uncertainty about direction creeping in. That scares me as much as serious pain. More so, in a way, in that I often can't feel pain. With Pain, it's mostly the thought that counts.
I have appointments coming up. But, I've lost track. I need to call Monday and check on those. I have an appointment for Sam and Sassy coming up. I know when but I need to call and rearrange the Sassy part of it, putting that off until August or September, with money being just a wee worrying, birth-month bills coming up, and the visit from my mother to expense. There are other things, but... those are the immediate worries. And they have been on my mind for a bit, only coming to a head on... a Sunday? What can I do on a Sunday? I can only hope to remember on Monday. But I have known, I have just not been... tending my fears, worries, concerns. Have I been unable... or unwilling... or... what?
But more, it's a general feeling of loss of... control... will... strength or actionability of will? When I left my foster home, I did so for a number of reasons. One of the most potent was this same feeling. I had taken my grades from a 2.0ish in junior high to a 3.57 as a junior in high school (when grades actually, you know, were grades). I just missed AP classes, though I think it was as political and social as it was grades, or more. Between snobbishness and the liberal mindset of teachers even back then (always?), I didn't make the cut. While no longer liberal by that time, I was morphing between libertarian (before it was named) and conservative. I was certainly not a fit. I played football, basketball, and track, and successfully for my level (if not outstanding in anything). I was involved with advanced projects at school, as well, in spite of not being AP. But... it was slipping. I feared disappointing my foster parents more than I feared leaving. How was I to know my foster father would have a final heart attack a few months later. Life is too much sometimes. In any case, I ran and hid, I had... nothing with which to hold onto my successes. I had no words to express my horror, or even tell them what was happening.
I have had good times before, times of health, and reasoning, and being on schedule, as an adult. They have all slipped. No amount of grip or hold or push or pull could keep control. I think it is different this time. Maybe. At least I do believe I have far more tools available at this time, and experience. Whatever strength I lacked, whatever insights I didn't have, and certainly the experience of going through this, I may have more of those things this time. But more, I think what was holding me down, randomly, invisibly, mechanically... my heart... is being treated. But is it enough? Is anything enough against what is pulling me down? Am I still very crippled? Is the heart all of it? Oh I hate this feeling, this uncertainty. I will merely, to be honest, focus on my goals, try no harder or more lightly, and keep busy with those things I should, want, and need to do. Much like driving over a patch of ice, the best thing to do is to keep your wheels as they were (or maybe try to straighten them gingerly), don't accelerate or break, but don't freeze, yourself, as you may actually need to do the seemingly unwise in order to actually maintain control or do the right thing and steer into a swerve, keep the vehicle on the road, keep the wheels down. Yes, I am sweating. Literally when I realize how far I have climbed in the elevation of success, how steep the descent, how icy the road I travel.
Bah. I will make it. If not I will make it back up and climb higher. I am sure of it. It would just hurt on the way down. My ego, too, is fragile for all the armor and weapons I wear and maintain. Maybe that is WHY I carry such terrible things? :p A shower, grooming, and a call to see if my friend is around, and then a drive to pick up a bike and maybe check on a friend. Later.
It is Sunday.
.
.
And a beautiful day it is. Well, I if I had any sense of beauty in any case. Being the slug that I am I just don't see it. The sun is shining, everything looks green, it is cool, there are trees and mountains in view. That will have to do and so it has been labeled by my philistine eyes as "beautiful". And it definitely is Sunday where I live. Oh, you say? It's not Sunday in other places? No, actually, it isn't Sunday everywhere. It depends on the longitude in which you live. In Adelaide, Australia and Vladivostok, Russia, it is Monday, for examples. I only explain in case you drank too deeply from the counter-Doom cup and forgot reality for a moment. You are welcome.
My bike is in! *dead Snoopy dance!* I will be into town to pick it up shortly. Is putting a bicycle together, or riding it, considered work? I mean, technically, without any doubt, in a physics manner (since items are definitely moved from one position to another), it has to be work. But it is not gainful employ, no money is exchanged, go goods or services are traded, the work is not completed in accordance with a legally binding agreement. Well, the bike is already paid. It merely is to be picked up. I am just considering the Sabbath, and to keep it holy. Just thinking. A bit more reading on that, but I think I am good? In reading about sins, that one is a serious one. I think it is fine though. Just thinking technical, raising questions, waking up, all combined into... well... this paragraph.
It being Sunday, as I wake and wonder, play and fiddle with notions and small things, I am going to have to bring my feet back down to earth. While I don't consider that last post yesterday truly silly, it is an artistic rendition of how I sort of see things. I say "artistic" as I won't call artistry what I often really think of most of it today, it being a Sunday and all. I know... how can you accuse yourself of using artistry AND have such a low opinion of the 'talent'? Ah, but how can you choose to be a Christian AND choose to sin? Oh? Really? Are you saying you don't sin or that you don't choose to sin? Careful here! Now, my friend, you know. Anyway. Planting my feet on the ground.
I think what I meant in that post was that I have ugly, powerful, surging, single-minded, impulses in me. Drives, if you will. I don't know, for certain, how different I am from others, in truth. Perhaps I was merely raised... much differently. Perhaps size and slightly elevated intelligence puts me in a different bracket, neither quite fitting in with the meek nerds nor the jocks. Moving may be the thing. Or perhaps there is an unusual 7th degree element. But I am different.
I have been disabled, so able to look at something I sensed as a child, with great care. I have had moments were I so wanted to just be normal. Some of my escapism may have been in an attempt to find normalcy, or even create it, an attempt to reject the label "different". I wanted to just be Joe six-pack. But I am not. As I have said before, this doesn't make me (necessarily, or more, fundamentally) better or worse, as a being, a man. Men shouldn't be able to drink a case of beer, a fifth of vodka, and a fifth of Yukon Jack, in eight hours, a few times a week for a year or more, not be an alcoholic, and not kill themselves or others. I didn't even bother to pass out. I would usually just go to bed and... wake feeling pretty good, usually. (No, long past. I was down to a few beers every other weeks tops until edema hit, haven't touched the stuff since. I think I wrote that recently, but thought it good to repeat.) I also shouldn't have been able to having my finger in the cooking oil, while frying a second batch of chicken, for 3 to 5 seconds, and not even had the skin turn red. Different indeed. I do bleed, I do die, but... Here I am. Less artistic, more... empirical?
Today is a day for God. To contemplate His wonders. To rest. For family. For friends. I just thought to take a moment to clarify any notions that I might be well and truly insane. I am. As is any man who has thought about everything and all then tried to make sense of it. Which, I am thinking, is exactly what God wanted. The only way to know sanity is to see the option, same with joy, pleasure, happiness, or the other good things left to us to discover. Without their counterparts we will surely never understand the good bits. Why, what would man be... without woe man? Women make the world happy there are men. And I suspect just the opposite as well, sometimes, but that's not my story to attempt to give veracity. *grins* Oh, fine, I sort of like em' too.
I never did get my friend to answer his phone. I went by his house but his bike was gone. Too bad, I had enough food for two with me. Which is fine, I was hungry. I probably ate a bit much yesterday. It... happens. I did a bit of laundry and some dishes yesterday. Then I stayed up way late! I was up until... midnight! And I slept in way late! Waking at about 8:15! But it seems to work out well. I got the right amount of sleep, and it was a Saturday after all. So long as I readjust back to, say, 22:00 as a bedtime tonight or tomorrow. I just wanted to 'walk the dog' a bit.
Have a great Sunday. Remember God. He does remember you, down to the number of hairs on your head. The rest of us, love you or not, some days, are doing good to remember your face and bad habits. Just... sayin'.
.
And a beautiful day it is. Well, I if I had any sense of beauty in any case. Being the slug that I am I just don't see it. The sun is shining, everything looks green, it is cool, there are trees and mountains in view. That will have to do and so it has been labeled by my philistine eyes as "beautiful". And it definitely is Sunday where I live. Oh, you say? It's not Sunday in other places? No, actually, it isn't Sunday everywhere. It depends on the longitude in which you live. In Adelaide, Australia and Vladivostok, Russia, it is Monday, for examples. I only explain in case you drank too deeply from the counter-Doom cup and forgot reality for a moment. You are welcome.
My bike is in! *dead Snoopy dance!* I will be into town to pick it up shortly. Is putting a bicycle together, or riding it, considered work? I mean, technically, without any doubt, in a physics manner (since items are definitely moved from one position to another), it has to be work. But it is not gainful employ, no money is exchanged, go goods or services are traded, the work is not completed in accordance with a legally binding agreement. Well, the bike is already paid. It merely is to be picked up. I am just considering the Sabbath, and to keep it holy. Just thinking. A bit more reading on that, but I think I am good? In reading about sins, that one is a serious one. I think it is fine though. Just thinking technical, raising questions, waking up, all combined into... well... this paragraph.
It being Sunday, as I wake and wonder, play and fiddle with notions and small things, I am going to have to bring my feet back down to earth. While I don't consider that last post yesterday truly silly, it is an artistic rendition of how I sort of see things. I say "artistic" as I won't call artistry what I often really think of most of it today, it being a Sunday and all. I know... how can you accuse yourself of using artistry AND have such a low opinion of the 'talent'? Ah, but how can you choose to be a Christian AND choose to sin? Oh? Really? Are you saying you don't sin or that you don't choose to sin? Careful here! Now, my friend, you know. Anyway. Planting my feet on the ground.
I think what I meant in that post was that I have ugly, powerful, surging, single-minded, impulses in me. Drives, if you will. I don't know, for certain, how different I am from others, in truth. Perhaps I was merely raised... much differently. Perhaps size and slightly elevated intelligence puts me in a different bracket, neither quite fitting in with the meek nerds nor the jocks. Moving may be the thing. Or perhaps there is an unusual 7th degree element. But I am different.
I have been disabled, so able to look at something I sensed as a child, with great care. I have had moments were I so wanted to just be normal. Some of my escapism may have been in an attempt to find normalcy, or even create it, an attempt to reject the label "different". I wanted to just be Joe six-pack. But I am not. As I have said before, this doesn't make me (necessarily, or more, fundamentally) better or worse, as a being, a man. Men shouldn't be able to drink a case of beer, a fifth of vodka, and a fifth of Yukon Jack, in eight hours, a few times a week for a year or more, not be an alcoholic, and not kill themselves or others. I didn't even bother to pass out. I would usually just go to bed and... wake feeling pretty good, usually. (No, long past. I was down to a few beers every other weeks tops until edema hit, haven't touched the stuff since. I think I wrote that recently, but thought it good to repeat.) I also shouldn't have been able to having my finger in the cooking oil, while frying a second batch of chicken, for 3 to 5 seconds, and not even had the skin turn red. Different indeed. I do bleed, I do die, but... Here I am. Less artistic, more... empirical?
Today is a day for God. To contemplate His wonders. To rest. For family. For friends. I just thought to take a moment to clarify any notions that I might be well and truly insane. I am. As is any man who has thought about everything and all then tried to make sense of it. Which, I am thinking, is exactly what God wanted. The only way to know sanity is to see the option, same with joy, pleasure, happiness, or the other good things left to us to discover. Without their counterparts we will surely never understand the good bits. Why, what would man be... without woe man? Women make the world happy there are men. And I suspect just the opposite as well, sometimes, but that's not my story to attempt to give veracity. *grins* Oh, fine, I sort of like em' too.
I never did get my friend to answer his phone. I went by his house but his bike was gone. Too bad, I had enough food for two with me. Which is fine, I was hungry. I probably ate a bit much yesterday. It... happens. I did a bit of laundry and some dishes yesterday. Then I stayed up way late! I was up until... midnight! And I slept in way late! Waking at about 8:15! But it seems to work out well. I got the right amount of sleep, and it was a Saturday after all. So long as I readjust back to, say, 22:00 as a bedtime tonight or tomorrow. I just wanted to 'walk the dog' a bit.
Have a great Sunday. Remember God. He does remember you, down to the number of hairs on your head. The rest of us, love you or not, some days, are doing good to remember your face and bad habits. Just... sayin'.
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