Contemplating sin, and Reconciliation.

.
.
While I may not be able to do much, physically, I try very diligently to not just 'stop'. As this weekend approaches, I have been looking over the cliff notes for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I will go back and read the source and find other sources as well. Too, I have been thinking over my sins, near and far, forgiven and not. There are some I am letting go. Oh? Yes. Simply, before the age of consent, in the Catholic Church that is the age of 12 years, one is not held responsible. That does not give free reign, it does not negate punishment, it merely indicates that conscious sin before that age is not held to be reasonable. For example, my tryst with that girl when I was 4 and change. And of course the babysitter before that. She was the irresponsible responsible party.

There are serious sins there. Some have already been forgiven. It is not that I didn't confess them, it is that, in doing that first boatload at my first confession, all details were not given. I wish to amend that on two particular sins. As well, I have... questions. Some sins I may or may not have committed. And, given the circumstances, they might not even be considered sins. A police officer who kills in the legitimate actions required by his station is not sinning. Still, he may feel the need for something. Not that I killed anyone. Not that I didn't. Merely, I have a need. Some things, of course, are more current. I seem to have restored some semblance of chastity back into my life. That is one powerful Djin. I will never completely defeat that one, but a little sanity to it is nice. So, there was that spree. And, of course, my grumpy nature and some of the darker angles to that. Simple, perhaps. Humble or even silly seeming to some, maybe. But these things weigh heavily. These things, to my mind, make the Eucharist out of bounds. I must deal with these things, and begin afresh.

I try not to think about my sins, more than to record and note. They aren't the focus. Neither should they be allowed to keep me from God by keeping me from the other big and little "s" Sacraments, they also shouldn't be so much of a focus that I lose perspective. I am just learning these things, mind you. Some things I have always known, and they still stand. Other things are new, hard, but worth pursuing. Confessing to a priest isn't easy. I do sweat it. But the freedom it affords, even without the attendant Eucharist, is immeasurable. It is the spiritual version of realizing, on a long hike, that you really can take a seat and remove the pebbles and sand from your shoes. So long was I walking around with spiritual pebbles in my boots, blistering, hurting, gnawing, killing. Leaving me crippled, somewhat lame, and not sure what to do. Now I know. Now to do it.

Well, enough. This post is more to keep my on track with getting in this weekend. First to SoRec and then to Mass and the Eucharist. I think the crowds scare me a bit, more than they should. But then I live such a solitary life and have for so long, that it is to be expected. I will probably never be great at attending mass regularly. I am simply not a group-wise social creature. Even close friends and family, to a greater degree, are kept some distance (by illness, their busy lives, and... fears and such). I'm more like a cat than anything, in these matters. Anyway, I will do what I can, when I can, and pray about the rest of it.

God bless.