Still awake, but dragging.

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Sandpaper eyelids don't help.  *blink blink*  No coffee for most of the night.  Though, finally, I gave in and made some.  Using chocolate collagen powder gave it a boost.  As well, sweetener.  Cool water to temper it just a bit.  Nothing fancy, but it works.

Oh, I did clean the pee jugs.  With things being off, I have been filling one a day, rather than one a week as I had been doing.  Something is really off.  And, during the day, I am voiding about double that.  How can I be dropping nine liters a day, while only taking in between three and five?  Anyway.  That's a good start.

So difficult.

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Having a heck of a time lately.  Just getting in to shower, or remembering to thaw meat, and so on.  The very simple, little, easy things are so seemingly impossible!  Now, I keep aiming at the goals.  Keep pushing, trying, thinking about how to get to these things, what might make it happen.

And, yet, not yet.  Difficult.  And, life is beginning to become painful again.  Mostly kinks in the neck and back.  But my legs hurt, as if they are draining too much.  As well, very susceptible to cramping.  Legs, even the torso if I bend or flex the wrong way.  Not sure what the problem is.  It doesn't make sense.  Minerals used to manage this really easily.

Awake?

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Getting there.  Down just before noon.  It was as good as I could do.  Awake right at 23:23.  Or... that is when I got out of bed.  Not quite awake yet.

Sassy was offered fresh water after washing out her bowl, and food right off.  She was hungry.  And, being down for eleven hours or so, I prefer to feed her right off.  When on my six to more likely eight hour sleep cycle, I wait two to three hours after waking to feed her.  So, this... sort of aligns with that.  With a rotating schedule, I try to play fair with her.

I did get medicine in, "morning and night", yesterday.  My morning, and my night.  Will try to keep that going.  It won't help, immediately.  But, nothing will help any time soon.  I am in some sort of rut.  I still think having a woman around would help.  Children too.  The sounds of life... are pleasing to my ears.  Wouldn't be perfect, just better.  And... reasons to wake.  Someone to greet, even kiss.  Not sex all the time or such, just... kissing a gal as I wake would be... pleasant.  Though... sex wouldn't be horrible, just not always there.  Ugh.

I had an interesting dream.  Was it the Philippines?  Or some other island.  Westerners brought in tech, a long time ago, then abandoned it.  Old tech, but easily enough kept operational, and being brought back into service.  A new Western corp decided to see if it could be used to pull natural gas.

That worked out.  But, with the machinery being so overbuilt, there was some waste.  A bit of negotiating with the locals at the smaller and larger groups, and a plan was hatched to use the "wasted" work potential to pull water.  And aqueduct was created, and the thing put in play.

This new system brought a lot of needed extra water down through villages and to a major port city.  Worked really well.  I was on a tour of the thing.  Fascinating to see old and new, helping the locals and reduce over pumping from groundwater.  Uhrm, for a while.

However, while in there, myself... an engineering friend, a couple of native women, and a company rep, werewolves began to transform.  We had to get out.  Some of the engineering spaces were tight.  Several close calls.  But, finally, we made it into a sealed section.  And then on back.  I was able to help save lives, people getting caught in the machinery, or such.

I would have thought the creatures should have easily caught us, with as many problems as we had.  But they, I supposed, are animals in this form, and probably had a heck of a time.  Charging through an operational mechanical space, with little room to maneuver, they too got caught up on things, probably hurt by the howls of pain, from time to time.

My heart was thumping when I woke.  Not... fear... so much.  But... excitement.  Though there was some anxiety, if more the type that comes when playing tag and not wanting to be it.  For, I too am a monster.  I don't need to change.  But, I don't want people to... know my little secret.  And, facing off easily against two werewolves would have given... some potential things away.  I'm just not a human consuming type of monster.  I... consume monsters.  Or... so the dream seemed to indicate.  And boy was I famished.  Could have used just a bite, but too many witnesses.  *grins*

Got to nothing yesterday.  Will try today, again.  Did call my mother.  Her "obama" phone is worth everything she paid for it.  Lots of trouble.  When it dials through, or rings through, it isn't... always who it says it is.  Lots of problems.  I would think she was the problem, save she never had this problem with her other phone.

The government seems able to screw up everything they touch.  Probably why regular cell phones are becoming so problematic.  And, are those phones the ones being used for call harassments?  Most likely.  Still, this time, I got through.  Short talk.  Just... a welfare check, for my part.  I don't think she will ever call me again, of her own volition.  Whether age or temperament I can't know with certainty.  Well, and the idea that I will be selling off and moving overseas.  She's a bit... miffed.  Oh well.  Later.

More music.

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Almost makes me sad.  But the truth is, I know no woman who was available, seemed interested, who I wanted, and who would work.  Beyond, I can't honestly afford an American, or Western really, woman.  Further.  They aren't all that interested.  

They want to be a wife, or a spouse, or have a wedding day, the ceremony, events, play dress-up.  But to care for a home?  To even have children?  Tend a husband, children?  Too much work.  Easier to just divorce and move on.  Or drag a man into her misery.  I'm... not going there.

So strange.

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I'm not taking extra waterpills.  I even miss every third day, of late.  Even so, my legs hurt from the water coming out.  As if too much is draining.  And, cramps, a bit too often.  The other things which will cause cramping is if my legs are too cold, if I am walking around in a t and underwear, when it is 72 or less, that will do it.  But I have been wearing warm pants, and have been warm.  Warm enough to consider turning the furnace down to 70.  Perhaps even 68, if still good.

As well, I am taking vitamins daily, pretty much every day.  As well, minerals, a compound of them that is specifically for muscle cramping problems when taking waterpills.  And D3 for good measure.  I keep forgetting the B complex, but... that doesn't really help with cramping.  And, to be honest, I haven't seen anything missing from not taking those.  But the minerals, usually, help with cramping.  Not sure why the cramps of late, with the care I am offering.  Maybe not enough food.

A more normal cycle.

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I was counting on more sleep, as has been the time local norm.  But that just didn't happen.  Right at eight hours down, my eyes popped, blood started flowing, and fully awake before there was anything I could do to resist.  Like hitting a wakeup wall full on, at full speed.  No pain, just fully awake immediately.

So?  So I... don't know.  Will try to get to some efforts.  Trash out, recycling out, a shower maybe a shave if not necessarily, any of it, in a hurry and all at once.  Then, cleaning the freezer top, setting up dishes, putting in a load of whites.  I'm... awake.  Plus, if I can wear myself out, then on to bed early.  Or... late, again.  As early or late as possible.  Rock that damn stuck in the mud vehicle.  Get out of the rut!  Ugh.

Doesn't look like it rained.  Looks like whatever was here has moved well on.  And nothing is immediately, currently, on it's heels.  Did I take meds?  I know I did when I woke.  Not sure I did later.  I... am trying, and not doing superior.  I'll... keep trying.  Need to get newer water pills, too.  And find out when my next appointment is, and when and where my doc wants me to get blood work.  If he wants it up there, I'll try.  Still haven't received money for the trip, reimbursement.  Some insurance companies do that too, if travel is long.  So, that's...  Or they used to do that.  Hard to tell these days.  Maybe only CEOs, board members, and congress/senate/government employees get that sort of thing these days?  Don't know.  But, since it's there, I'll apply and... wait.  Not sure how much it is, these days.

About as far as I can get.

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No shower.  No dishes.  No laundry.  Didn't even pull any meat out.  I've been slowly crashing for hours.  But strongly enough that just going to the bathroom has been a bit of work.  Anything else has mostly been out of the question.  I'm hungry.  Almost hangry.  Not much I can do about it.

I had hoped to make a few calls.  Along with those other things.  No dice.  When I have been up too long I can't talk.  The throat gets wonky.  I have been awake too long for several days in a row.  It's offset by sleeping too long.  But both are more a problem than a solution.

Cool out there!

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Expecting it.  But never quite ready for it?  It's 34 out there.  Strange thing though, no snow on the caps.  There had been, last time I really looked.  Feels like a week or two ago.  Then again, was cloudy for the last three or four days.  And raining.  I would have to guess it must have rained on the peaks, rather than snowing?  Very strange, but cold often comes in, chasing off warmer wetter weather.  I guess.

I have been looking for socks which fit my feet.  You wouldn't think that would be required, but when you hit size 15~16, it becomes vital, and difficult.  I found some that are for size 15 to 18.  So, if it's true, not Chinese, size?  I should be in really good shape.  One can hope, but doubt, on amazon.  They seem to only sell Chinese, or for now.  Which is probably why they are dying on the vine.

One of my docs...

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She... was interesting.  Doubted everything I said, but seemed to believe me too.  Very strange woman.  Little, older, foreign.  Not an enemy foreigner, save for her politics.  Tried to be secular, was wrong and knew it.  Strange how people are like that.  I used to be like that, still don't understand it... not fully.

She... is on my mind.  Music I sent her.  In the shade, if I think she knew anyway?  To be a devil, and love a little sister, but it be too late?  So be it.

Some things.

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I wrote a rather harsh review on amazon.  An item that arrived dead.  Then had a heck of a time getting amazon to do a return, until eventually it just timed out and I... gave up.  I wrote about my experience, with the product and amazon.  It's... been... a month?  Two?  Fire and forget.

Received an email, apologizing for the product and experience.  It it, they suggested I simply reply, refund requested, or some such?  I copy and pasted, in a reply, so it would be done.  Of course, whether it will be done, whether I did it correctly, I guess I'll find out.  If they do that, I will raise my review.  And explain that they made it right.  Even so, I will never order such things through amazon again.  Way too many problems with those devices, and the returns have become... unlikely.  They just screw around, tell you one thing, do something else.  It was impossible!

No idea.

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I can't remember when I went to bed.  I think I woke up around 22:30?  Give or take... a while.  I just can't be sure.  Fed Sassy first thing, got coffee going.  Sliced the final parts of cheese and salami... for now or for the month.  We'll see.

It has been dark, day and night really, for the last... day, two, three?  Or, from what of it I have seen.  Raining, a lot.  Just time, or also in inches?  I just don't know.  But there has to be some serious water coming down.  It's been raining off and on for those two to three days.  Not four, I think.  But at least two and more like three.  I think.

Sprinkling and raining.

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Cool to cold, too.  Pretty much all night, so far.  And it seemed to have let loose, or drizzled, during the day as well.

I came down in just a t and unders.  Wasn't sure I'd be awake long.  It's about the time to nap.  May take a shower first?  And another tomorrow... or after the nap really.  Coffee is good.  But it's not much as for food, and the warming of the hot liquid only warms for just a bit.

A bit rough, slightly tumbled.

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I missed medicine yesterday, what with all the doings.  And pushing through.  Or... did I just miss what would have passed for the last two thirds, which would have been an actual, by clock, day?  Something.  I thought I took medicine in my "morning", but then... lost track.  The thing is, when my days stretch out like that, should I take medicine by clock schedule, or not.  I'll... ask my doc, or his nurse, the next time I call.

Still, that would have been at least one more dose, and that didn't happen.  As well, I have been missing medicine off and on a lot lately.  Dark weather, rain, less sun on top of even that through fewer hours up, of what is available.  I just have to get my head back in the game.

Unbelievable.

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Packages, coming in, from Philadelphia, somewhere in Florida, and California.  Said they would be here today, but that... wasn't possible.  Here.  Today.  Okay.  I won't argue with reality or honest assessments.  Just... didn't look possible.  I don't mind being pleasantly surprised.  I just don't expect to be.

I paid the card off, that bought all the goodies.  Cut my mortgage payment, currently, to just what is owed.  Have a savings started.  Took one of the cards off accounts, and will be paying that off as quickly as possible, while cutting spending and increasing savings.  Yes.  The hope is to have a small heap of cash for an exit strategy.  Though, to get the eyes fixed?  And get sorted out how to leave.

I did not get angry.

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And... a good thing too.  The money IS there.  It just... well, I don't get it.  I just checked my mail, and this was the bank statement... for August?  Ah, but... it was for before the deposit in August, and... okay.  But still, very strange.  I have one with $1,300 listed, which I got before I got this one?  Crazy.  Hmm, wonder if this one got put in the wrong box, returned, and put back in my box later?  

Anyway.  I... simply told her my problem.  And, then, went through the difficult task of ID'ing.  And, was as patient as I can be on my best days.  As I told her, when it was finished, it wouldn't have been her who wronged me, even if I had been wronged.

A bit surprised.

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At six, it's just 42 to 43 out there.  Even with the rain.  Which, to be honest, I am surprised hasn't turned to snow.  Yet.  It's warmer than I expected it to be.  Not from weather reports, though those seem to be agreeing with my assessments.  If... also wrong, so far.  We'll see.  It could happen in a flash, or take some time.

I'll try to stay awake long enough to call the credit union, find out what is happening with the money.  As I said, there should be, at the very least, $1900 in there.  More like $2200 to $2400.  They are showing $1k.  Nope, something is wrong.  I'll let them look through it.  Then ask whether it's the police or district attorney's office I need to call about money gone missing.  Don't even think they can gaslight me about any of it.  I'll also call my other bank, see what they suggest.  Of course, banks might well cover for each other.  We'll... see.

Yeah.

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Awake.  Have been since... 16:30?  17:30?  Somewhere in there.  Looking for... patterns, here and there.  Even the best can't, won't, put out meaningful clues, even if they have them, all that often.  Beans, secrets, patterns... if spit out too often, their value becomes zero.  Further, people can only take just so much, just so fast, no matter their... capacity.  Input, output, regulated, even, or in batches anyway.  

Besides, the world is pretty much understood.  Pegged.  Those who realize what is coming either realize they can do absolutely nothing about it, including running.  So, are just going to relax, sit back, perhaps hedge some minor bets by putting some food and such up, weapons, precious metals.  Know that... having and keeping in a starving world are... very different things.  And all thieves and murderers have to do is get lucky once.  Given the odds, it's... well, perhaps they won't ever see it coming.  They'll be dead before they knew it was happening.  Some will, in their terms, get lucky.

Bah!

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Never did get to sleep.  Just... couldn't, didn't, wouldn't?  No, I would have.  It... just... didn't come together.

On the good side, I wrote my old friend again.  I'm... never sure if my friends are mad at me, if they are my friends, if...  Yes, I... share some... feminine traits.  Neurosis of the brain.  Not... to their level or ability.  And, more because I live so very solo.  So, I... fill in for the missing woman of the house, sometimes.

Cheese, salami, gaming, and checking on things.

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I'm hungrier than what a bit of cheese and salami will manage, but I just can't get to more.  Not quite yet.  Maybe not tonight?  I am seriously considering going on to bed much earlier than usual.  Like six to ten hours early.  Why?  I'm... tired.  So very and strangely tired.  It's fall, that will begin happening more and more.

While I keep my home closed off, so don't see the sun often or nearly as directly as many, when there is less of it, it probably has more impact on me than others.  The very little I get is further reduced.  Still, that's fine.  It isn't getting too cold too fast, or yet.  It's been a smooth transition, a slow decline.  Still, I am stumbling just a bit for the season changing.

Someone toying with ideas?

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Mocking, testing, comparing, offering?  I can't be certain.  Or... just randoms.  Not even musical, mostly, this time.  Oh, something in the background I thought was interesting.  Something I... knew long before I knew of this movie.

This one?  Yes.  But... which one?  I think I have played both parts.  Catching, teaching others.  Rightly and wrongly.  Being caught, by God, in my fall, and pulled out for... thoughtful banter and contemplation.  Oh, trust me, if not directly, God has certainly... paused things, while I was dying, or while I was planning to die.  We... have talked.  If I didn't always understand it in that way.  Much as, when young, I didn't realize how slowly I really could, did, move.  Strange, the mind, our understanding of reality... rightly and incorrectly.

Hmm? Oh, awake.

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Just awake, if also not quite awake.  Waking?  Never can be certain, but I think so.

Down sometime after six.  Ten minutes?  Two hours?  I... don't know that.  Awake at about 16:30, give or take ten.  What with putting compression socks on, and getting otherwise dressed.  It might have been very quick, or... a while.  I can never quite tell.  All I know is sometimes all that happens in, like... literal moments.  Other days it takes ten minutes just to get compression socks on.

More changes.

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Simple... economic mechanical... changes.  For now.  I stopped paying the extra against my mortgage.  I'll add that to my savings account instead.  Cash is king, or will be for a bit, going forward.  I have been saving for a while now.  Hmm, looks like money has been removed?  But... when?  I will have to check on that.  It looks like the bank just lost nearly $900.  That had better be a mistake.

Yes, right, more things.

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I have looked up some other things.  One was how to get to Asia, generally, by boat.  At first it seemed... very expensive.  But, when comparing flights, stops, hotel bookings, etc, etc, etc, it... isn't that expensive.  And, for a seat with more room, on a plane?  I would guess the ships would be much more inexpensive.  Especially being able to take some cargo?  I'd have to check.

A cabin costs from $100 to $150 euros a day, and the trip takes thirty days.  The price?  Not as much issue as the time.  Though, really, I don't need to get to the Philippines.  If there is a place I could get to, from when I could then fly the last leg?  That would work.  I just don't want to fly from, or through, the US airports.  If the airlines and government want to make flying shitty, cool.  As the other big guy might have said?  Your fired!