.
.
Yeah, I know what I said. I suggested I would not cook again. Yet as I was cleaning out my goods I found food that could not be thrown and needed attending. As well, my stomach was calling for some of the true foods to which it had become accustomed. I am no chef, mind you. I am a killer. I am a brute. I take pain and give death. This is the truth. Still, a woman showed me love and a little life through her demand of food. In the last bits of my life, I offered her a little of myself in such a fashion. And, so, today, I offered myself a bit of that again, and to her. She declined, I enjoyed.
In my freezer remained two of the three last packages of lamb I purchased this spring. A heart and lamb stew meat, frozen but waiting. I found them several days ago while looking through my freezer at my lady’s request. She wished to know if I happened to have a leg of lamb roast, if I did she would cook it for us. I did, but I also had these packages. I decided to cook these in my own way. When I realized there was plenty for two, with how I decided to cook the meat, I called and asked her to join me. She declined, it seems she lives in exhaustion as I do. In any case, I have made my meal and enjoyed it greatly. There is enough left to enjoy at least another sampling.
Lamb stew, as I figure it should be made: A half an onion (of your choice, though sweet is mine), diced into ¼ inch bits, and several (3) skinned slightly crushed garlic cloves, fried in butter (in a cast iron dutch oven); a nice selection of mushrooms (sliced), cooked in butter after the onions; a nice selection of carrots fried as the others; then, the meats, rolled in flour first (I chose unbleached white general flour), topped generously with dried peppermint and tarragon during the frying, then fried in butter in that same dutch oven; finally, once I removed the meats, I deglazed the dutch oven with my favored cabernet sauvignon, to which I added a fine slab of the finest butter I could find (and which I used in the rest of the process, Lurpak, an impoted Dutch butter). Fine, that actually was not the end. Once I had everything cooked, the deglaze (heavy) settled, and had baked my potatoes for a ½ hour, I put everything back in the dutch oven and set the dutch oven into to oven without a cover at 415 F for ½ hour, I then cooled the oven to 350 F and added the lid for another ½ hour. I then set the dutch oven (still covered) out of the oven for ½ hour and let the potatoes finish to a creamy nature. When this was done, I put a meal amount of the stew into a warmed bowl, added a good (giant considering my nature) fistful of raw fresh spinach into the bowl, put a plate above it and place a potato upon the plate. Once that had cooled for ten minutes, I then prepared the potato my favored way (split, buttered, with sour cream). After the potato was prepared, I added fresh whole whipping cream to my stew, stirred it, and waited another five minutes for the stew to settle, the spinach to finish, the flavors and cream to finish, and the potato to cool.
In the meanwhile, I did consume some of that wine, that which was left over of course, being careful to save enough for a solid sampling during the actual consumption of the meal (along with a glass of milk). Oh, and I did sample some beer as well. The wine pushed my thirst, yet to save some of my wine, I needed to slake that thirst on another course of fluid consumption. One must do what one must. In any case, the meal was a delight. I had wished to share it, however, having more for later is no terrible thing in itself.
Oh, should you ever wish to understand how I see women, life, and much else, watch “The Shootist”. I know it is near my time. I have enough, in a small place, to enjoy what I can of time and love. And, so I will. Further, I know that I am beyond my place and time here. I am going to try to do something here before I go. I will need to speak to my professors and perhaps others in the college, but my time, too, has come. I wish I had the strength for what is to come. I wish I could push on through. But the truth is, my time has come. I might have something exciting left. There might be a few things more to see. There might be a few more people to meet and converse with. But, I know deep inside, my time has come, and gone.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Finally!
.
.
I think I am over whatever was plaguing me. I was able to eat twice without the special effects, my fever and such have abated completely, and my stomach feels mostly healthy again. Of course, now I cannot get my place to warm above 66 F. It has made waking up much more difficult. I like it 66 F or cooler for sleeping, but I have the programmable thermostat set to warm the cave as I try to awaken. I have found that, generally, it helps. Everything that helps, when one is diseased with unnatural exhaustion, is used. I have been too sick to deal with the landlord so that is on my list of things to do. Still, everything else is working fine, and now that I am well and the medicine is still working, I will deal with this too.
I have been going through things, beginning my sorting and throwing. I have a lot of junk mixed in with my stuff. I try this, or am given that, and it just sits. I use so little of what I have it is ridiculous. Then again, some of the things I do not use often I enjoy having. My collection of fountain pens for example. I used to use them to take notes. I no longer do that for no other reason than that as school started this year, I was busy falling into extreme exhaustion and did not set up my standard lot. I will begin using them exclusively in the new future, for whatever reason I have need of pen and ink. Though some of them are rarely used. Not that they are extremely expensive, unless you compare them to a BIC or something. Many things, though, will go. I will probably even give away my big high-def tv. It is large, though not flat-screen. It is far better than what a friend has, and she has enjoyed using it here while mentioning her marvel at the thing (which I barely notice). I will be glad to be rid of the thing anyway. TV is trash, good movies are rare or I have seen them too many times, and she would appreciate it. Hmmm, she got my old TV too, lucky dame. She will get much of what I am giving.
She recommended a sale, but I do not wish to allow people to trample through my cave, essentially stealing my goods then trying to bargain even that down. I do not care for nor need the aggravation for at most a few hundred dollars. The Church, Goodwill, or some such will be happy to receive some items and clothing, I am quite sure. I am quite nervous about how to get rid of enough to travel well and easily without cutting myself too thin. There is more than just living, there is a bit of myself in some of that, my style, tastes, and some luxury of existence. As usual, some balance is necessary.
I did make it in to see my professor today. Though I could not get through the homework after, as I had thought, and in part due to my later arrival due to the temperature thing, I did get much of it down and found my difficulty. Using the Z-tables can be tricky, and I became rusty. I was doing the work just fine, I just could not use the table correctly (which I still need to work on). I am a bit embarrassed. The material is easier, if not easy. I have a physics test Wednesday, and I am a bit nervous. We have covered a lot of material. The material is a bit more complex then before. I will need to put in some work on all of it this weekend.
Bit by bit, I am working my way through school and my other plans. Though life has not been easy, it will not suddenly become easier just because I am not in school. Further, if I do not push, I will become a permanent invalid. I am not sure I have that in me, so either I will have to dig deeper somehow or I will need to put myself in a position or under the influence of someone or something that can dig deeper. There are risks there, I see them plainly. I do well under pressure and I am a survivor. The thing is, can my survivor instinct overcome my disability? Can I put myself into that situation in the first place? Then again, if I am out and about and freeze to death because I really am too ill, so long as I do not quit, I think I will be good with that.
Oh, did I mention, I plan on starting one new hobby. I have been looking into black and white photography, viewing cameras, and discussing darkroom construction. I think it could give me a great deal of pleasure, a new way and reason to look around me a bit, and a great reason to be outdoors. As well, it would offer me an artistic opportunity, one that has otherwise not appeared for me to this point. Though it is an expense while I am trying to cut costs and looking at other expenses, it has been on my mind for a long time. Anyway…
.
I think I am over whatever was plaguing me. I was able to eat twice without the special effects, my fever and such have abated completely, and my stomach feels mostly healthy again. Of course, now I cannot get my place to warm above 66 F. It has made waking up much more difficult. I like it 66 F or cooler for sleeping, but I have the programmable thermostat set to warm the cave as I try to awaken. I have found that, generally, it helps. Everything that helps, when one is diseased with unnatural exhaustion, is used. I have been too sick to deal with the landlord so that is on my list of things to do. Still, everything else is working fine, and now that I am well and the medicine is still working, I will deal with this too.
I have been going through things, beginning my sorting and throwing. I have a lot of junk mixed in with my stuff. I try this, or am given that, and it just sits. I use so little of what I have it is ridiculous. Then again, some of the things I do not use often I enjoy having. My collection of fountain pens for example. I used to use them to take notes. I no longer do that for no other reason than that as school started this year, I was busy falling into extreme exhaustion and did not set up my standard lot. I will begin using them exclusively in the new future, for whatever reason I have need of pen and ink. Though some of them are rarely used. Not that they are extremely expensive, unless you compare them to a BIC or something. Many things, though, will go. I will probably even give away my big high-def tv. It is large, though not flat-screen. It is far better than what a friend has, and she has enjoyed using it here while mentioning her marvel at the thing (which I barely notice). I will be glad to be rid of the thing anyway. TV is trash, good movies are rare or I have seen them too many times, and she would appreciate it. Hmmm, she got my old TV too, lucky dame. She will get much of what I am giving.
She recommended a sale, but I do not wish to allow people to trample through my cave, essentially stealing my goods then trying to bargain even that down. I do not care for nor need the aggravation for at most a few hundred dollars. The Church, Goodwill, or some such will be happy to receive some items and clothing, I am quite sure. I am quite nervous about how to get rid of enough to travel well and easily without cutting myself too thin. There is more than just living, there is a bit of myself in some of that, my style, tastes, and some luxury of existence. As usual, some balance is necessary.
I did make it in to see my professor today. Though I could not get through the homework after, as I had thought, and in part due to my later arrival due to the temperature thing, I did get much of it down and found my difficulty. Using the Z-tables can be tricky, and I became rusty. I was doing the work just fine, I just could not use the table correctly (which I still need to work on). I am a bit embarrassed. The material is easier, if not easy. I have a physics test Wednesday, and I am a bit nervous. We have covered a lot of material. The material is a bit more complex then before. I will need to put in some work on all of it this weekend.
Bit by bit, I am working my way through school and my other plans. Though life has not been easy, it will not suddenly become easier just because I am not in school. Further, if I do not push, I will become a permanent invalid. I am not sure I have that in me, so either I will have to dig deeper somehow or I will need to put myself in a position or under the influence of someone or something that can dig deeper. There are risks there, I see them plainly. I do well under pressure and I am a survivor. The thing is, can my survivor instinct overcome my disability? Can I put myself into that situation in the first place? Then again, if I am out and about and freeze to death because I really am too ill, so long as I do not quit, I think I will be good with that.
Oh, did I mention, I plan on starting one new hobby. I have been looking into black and white photography, viewing cameras, and discussing darkroom construction. I think it could give me a great deal of pleasure, a new way and reason to look around me a bit, and a great reason to be outdoors. As well, it would offer me an artistic opportunity, one that has otherwise not appeared for me to this point. Though it is an expense while I am trying to cut costs and looking at other expenses, it has been on my mind for a long time. Anyway…
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tough days.
.
.
My furnace seems to be broken. It keeps clicking on and off without warming the place. At 66 degrees, it is a bit chilly. I suppose I should shower then put on some clothes, it might help some. School just took a leap. The professor indicated class would become easier. It has not. Now, not even with the book and notes can I solve the homework problems. The quizzes and tests will become abysmal, well, more abysmal. I guess that is how it goes. I have a physics test coming up too. I have been studying, but it is a lot of material and rather tricky. I am doing better in physics but that can change. I will just do what I can do and hope for the best.
I am beginning to sort things here in the cave. I have gone through my dry and canned goods, tossing most. Some of it is too old, some of it is too arcane (or already opened) to be offered to a food bank, so it must go. I intend to cook very little, if at all, between now and the time I leave. I will begin going through other rooms as well. Bit by bit, games, books, clothes, and equipment will have to be sorted, much of it to be tossed or given away. I will be keeping about a quarter of my clothes, most of my bedding, most of my equipment and cooking gear, and some of my electronics. I would guess I will be tossing or giving out ¾ of what I own, and good riddance. I suppose I could have hoped for a house fire, but that sounds more complicated than not.
The illness remains, if slightly lesser today. My stomach, when not in pain, feels as if I have a weight in it. It is like I just ate a huge steak. It feels full and tight. When I eat on top of it, I get the, of late, usual results. I guess this is just life.
I am surprised we have not been hit by winter yet. We have had two snows. One lasted less than it took to land and was of a short duration. The other was a longer duration but to the same effect. It has been cool, but not cold or frigid yet. I am expecting a very cold winter, truth be told. It was not just what I have heard, I just have a feeling about things (which is probably as wrong as often as it is right, for all I know). Then again, I never really check mean temperatures, snow fall, or actual parameters after a winter has passed in any case. A bad winter is a feeling more than a measurement of any kind. Being that they are subjective, comparisons are difficult. Some of that is fair, however. Though, for example, the temperatures for one winter are actually higher, all around, than another winter, if the cooler winter is actually more stable and slow to change temperature, the warmer winter may actually be harsher from the human and animal aspect. For a more explicit example, if one winter is 30F average, but drops from 40 to 20 in moment or hours, and can flip back and forth frequently and quickly, illness and discomfort would increase in my opinion. While a winter that is 25F average, but never changes temperature quickly or often would be better, as I could adjust more readily. Urhm, that is, within certain parameters. A 30F average variable winter versus a -20F… no, -40F winter, I would take the first. Anyway.
I best get back to studies. I will not be able to get much on the one class, but that seems to be the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps they want us to congregate and work together on this stuff, find outside sources, or something. I have no such capacity, so I have to take my lumps. I do not think we were given the homework in time for me to go in to office hours yesterday. I will go in tomorrow, but it will be too late to help as it is right before my first class and then I have that class right after that. It could help with the quiz, though I doubt that too. Oh well, such is engineering school. At least I do not have 4 or 5 of these classes.
.
My furnace seems to be broken. It keeps clicking on and off without warming the place. At 66 degrees, it is a bit chilly. I suppose I should shower then put on some clothes, it might help some. School just took a leap. The professor indicated class would become easier. It has not. Now, not even with the book and notes can I solve the homework problems. The quizzes and tests will become abysmal, well, more abysmal. I guess that is how it goes. I have a physics test coming up too. I have been studying, but it is a lot of material and rather tricky. I am doing better in physics but that can change. I will just do what I can do and hope for the best.
I am beginning to sort things here in the cave. I have gone through my dry and canned goods, tossing most. Some of it is too old, some of it is too arcane (or already opened) to be offered to a food bank, so it must go. I intend to cook very little, if at all, between now and the time I leave. I will begin going through other rooms as well. Bit by bit, games, books, clothes, and equipment will have to be sorted, much of it to be tossed or given away. I will be keeping about a quarter of my clothes, most of my bedding, most of my equipment and cooking gear, and some of my electronics. I would guess I will be tossing or giving out ¾ of what I own, and good riddance. I suppose I could have hoped for a house fire, but that sounds more complicated than not.
The illness remains, if slightly lesser today. My stomach, when not in pain, feels as if I have a weight in it. It is like I just ate a huge steak. It feels full and tight. When I eat on top of it, I get the, of late, usual results. I guess this is just life.
I am surprised we have not been hit by winter yet. We have had two snows. One lasted less than it took to land and was of a short duration. The other was a longer duration but to the same effect. It has been cool, but not cold or frigid yet. I am expecting a very cold winter, truth be told. It was not just what I have heard, I just have a feeling about things (which is probably as wrong as often as it is right, for all I know). Then again, I never really check mean temperatures, snow fall, or actual parameters after a winter has passed in any case. A bad winter is a feeling more than a measurement of any kind. Being that they are subjective, comparisons are difficult. Some of that is fair, however. Though, for example, the temperatures for one winter are actually higher, all around, than another winter, if the cooler winter is actually more stable and slow to change temperature, the warmer winter may actually be harsher from the human and animal aspect. For a more explicit example, if one winter is 30F average, but drops from 40 to 20 in moment or hours, and can flip back and forth frequently and quickly, illness and discomfort would increase in my opinion. While a winter that is 25F average, but never changes temperature quickly or often would be better, as I could adjust more readily. Urhm, that is, within certain parameters. A 30F average variable winter versus a -20F… no, -40F winter, I would take the first. Anyway.
I best get back to studies. I will not be able to get much on the one class, but that seems to be the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps they want us to congregate and work together on this stuff, find outside sources, or something. I have no such capacity, so I have to take my lumps. I do not think we were given the homework in time for me to go in to office hours yesterday. I will go in tomorrow, but it will be too late to help as it is right before my first class and then I have that class right after that. It could help with the quiz, though I doubt that too. Oh well, such is engineering school. At least I do not have 4 or 5 of these classes.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Annoying? Yeah, I think that is the word.
.
.
Life has been going better. I have more time available to study, which I do, and more time to tend to standard needs. Laundry is kept up, no rush to clean all my clothes or wear something unclean. The kitchen is kept up, for the most part. Though I use the kitchen little these days there is still some work as even a little use, over time, adds up to a mess. As well, I have been keeping my appointments and trying to figure out how to do the rest of what I want to do. I may need to travel over the Thanksgiving Holidays to do some of the work, and I will need to do a bit of prep work for that, but things are moving. I am also, a person, an institution, and a business at a time, informing that I intend to end school and then move.
My health is odd. Though I am more functional, my kidneys, along with some other odd internals, feel rough. I feel like I have been in a boxing match with someone who did not know the rules. My feet, as always, hurt constantly. Wherever I go, I may have to see if they will do corrective surgery. The feet need it but this hospital had arranged to do the surgery but they just ignored me when I told them not to set the operation up right before classes started (I let them know a year and a half in advance). Beyond that, after they set it up for 3 days before the start of classes last spring, I told my doctor then and in person, and again a week before the event by phone (they still had me listed as going in), that I would not be there (because, as I had said several times, classes were set to start right about then). They did not mark me off their schedule in spite of my warnings and so someone was angry that I was not there for the pre-surgery screening and surgery the day after. Either they are consciously sabotaging my plans and goals, incompetent, or using this as a method of cost cutting (it not only saves on the cost of the surgery but also gives them a means of explaining why they will not offer me services in the future (a no-show gets little attention)).
Classes have been difficult lately. It has not been the material (though the work can be challenging, that is the fun part). The difficulty has been that the work, as I have become better, has become interesting and fun again. Even if I do not test well, I do understand the basics (of most) of the material. And, I really like tinkering with it as I can. Memorizing is the least fun part, but even that is not all bad. The part that is fun is filling out an idea and wrapping it into other ideas. I will never be a true master but I do enjoy the ride. What is so bad about finally enjoying classes again, you might and fairly ask? The problem is that I know these are the last classes I will attend. Some say you never realize what you have lost until it is gone. For me that is not true. I know now what I have lost. So, I will enjoy this time as richly as I may.
Hmm, by the way, I smell war. We are on the brink. We are so close that a wrong blink, a firework, a push or a shove, and bang… it will begin. Perhaps it is already forming. No, it has formed it just has not started. Americans may well learn why we have tried to keep war distant. Perhaps a people with too much blatant but ignorant pride must go through this in order to re-adjust their understanding of real self-worth, their actual value, real rights and the reasons for them, find a purpose, and begin again in humility. It will be an ugly thing if it comes. No one will be able to remain ignorant or neutral. Relativity would be flushed. The scars will never fade. If it happens that is. I can smell it on the wind, I can feel it in my bones, I know it is so close, so possible. We might find out, to some degree, just what weapons are still held on high. They are terrible indeed.
Oh, to those of you who read this, those I spoke of before… Never worry, I do not mind you reading here or such! I wrote this to be read. I was just a bit surprised that anyone at the U. would read here. I find my posts to be boring, for the most part. I just write to spill out thoughts and ideas, real, imagined, and potential prognostication. Though knowing I was read locally, at first, made me a bit nervous, I got over that quickly. Since I have not been shot, arrested (so far), been failed in my classes, or such, I am good with the rest of it, even if you think me silly. If you have any questions, even a jab (keep it civil though), comment (anonymously if need be). Do not now try to hide from me. It is too awfully funny, in a nice way, when you attempt to do that at this point. I now know.
…too funny
.
Life has been going better. I have more time available to study, which I do, and more time to tend to standard needs. Laundry is kept up, no rush to clean all my clothes or wear something unclean. The kitchen is kept up, for the most part. Though I use the kitchen little these days there is still some work as even a little use, over time, adds up to a mess. As well, I have been keeping my appointments and trying to figure out how to do the rest of what I want to do. I may need to travel over the Thanksgiving Holidays to do some of the work, and I will need to do a bit of prep work for that, but things are moving. I am also, a person, an institution, and a business at a time, informing that I intend to end school and then move.
My health is odd. Though I am more functional, my kidneys, along with some other odd internals, feel rough. I feel like I have been in a boxing match with someone who did not know the rules. My feet, as always, hurt constantly. Wherever I go, I may have to see if they will do corrective surgery. The feet need it but this hospital had arranged to do the surgery but they just ignored me when I told them not to set the operation up right before classes started (I let them know a year and a half in advance). Beyond that, after they set it up for 3 days before the start of classes last spring, I told my doctor then and in person, and again a week before the event by phone (they still had me listed as going in), that I would not be there (because, as I had said several times, classes were set to start right about then). They did not mark me off their schedule in spite of my warnings and so someone was angry that I was not there for the pre-surgery screening and surgery the day after. Either they are consciously sabotaging my plans and goals, incompetent, or using this as a method of cost cutting (it not only saves on the cost of the surgery but also gives them a means of explaining why they will not offer me services in the future (a no-show gets little attention)).
Classes have been difficult lately. It has not been the material (though the work can be challenging, that is the fun part). The difficulty has been that the work, as I have become better, has become interesting and fun again. Even if I do not test well, I do understand the basics (of most) of the material. And, I really like tinkering with it as I can. Memorizing is the least fun part, but even that is not all bad. The part that is fun is filling out an idea and wrapping it into other ideas. I will never be a true master but I do enjoy the ride. What is so bad about finally enjoying classes again, you might and fairly ask? The problem is that I know these are the last classes I will attend. Some say you never realize what you have lost until it is gone. For me that is not true. I know now what I have lost. So, I will enjoy this time as richly as I may.
Hmm, by the way, I smell war. We are on the brink. We are so close that a wrong blink, a firework, a push or a shove, and bang… it will begin. Perhaps it is already forming. No, it has formed it just has not started. Americans may well learn why we have tried to keep war distant. Perhaps a people with too much blatant but ignorant pride must go through this in order to re-adjust their understanding of real self-worth, their actual value, real rights and the reasons for them, find a purpose, and begin again in humility. It will be an ugly thing if it comes. No one will be able to remain ignorant or neutral. Relativity would be flushed. The scars will never fade. If it happens that is. I can smell it on the wind, I can feel it in my bones, I know it is so close, so possible. We might find out, to some degree, just what weapons are still held on high. They are terrible indeed.
Oh, to those of you who read this, those I spoke of before… Never worry, I do not mind you reading here or such! I wrote this to be read. I was just a bit surprised that anyone at the U. would read here. I find my posts to be boring, for the most part. I just write to spill out thoughts and ideas, real, imagined, and potential prognostication. Though knowing I was read locally, at first, made me a bit nervous, I got over that quickly. Since I have not been shot, arrested (so far), been failed in my classes, or such, I am good with the rest of it, even if you think me silly. If you have any questions, even a jab (keep it civil though), comment (anonymously if need be). Do not now try to hide from me. It is too awfully funny, in a nice way, when you attempt to do that at this point. I now know.
…too funny
Sunday, November 9, 2008
A busy Saturday.
.
.
I had hoped to study yesterday and today but friends needed help yesterday. I was asked to “help” my lady friend stay up yesterday. She suggested I bring a movie and maybe some food. What she really meant was that she needed help moving things down from her little upper floor so that she could clean it today. In any case, I did bring food (very little of it was interesting to her, or as it ended up, me). The movies I brought were of little interest either. I went for something new, of which there was little of interest. All of it was either too scary for her, was too political for me, or both. So, I went with something I had only heard by name but knew nothing about. A supposed comedy. I also picked an older movie we have both seen but which was interesting. The movies, Zohan and The Sixth Sense. She had little interest in the old scary movie, so we put in Zohan. It was as political as the rest, raunchier than either of us cared for (we assumed the first scene of such nature was a massage, but no). It was a grotesquery of modernist sentiment. In spite of her liberalism she does have serious limits, moral codes (which I cannot see or understand, I think they flex and change a bit, and they are sort of feminist based I think?), and she prefers the subtle immorality of older Hollywood style, say back to the 40’s and 50’s type movies. As for me, I am conservative back to the Old Testament or something, honestly. If I fail to live within that completely it is my goal. It is quite difficult in this world. Anyway, Zohan seems to describe the conglomerate worldview which allowed Obama and McCain to even be on the various tickets.
The movie ended up being ignored while we went to work. I watched bits of it between moving the books, boxes, clothes, and asunder she handed down (giving me explicit directions for the placement of each item or group of items… she amazes me in this way sometimes). The movie seemed to indicate that the world comes down to Jews and Arabs against rich white people and rednecks. Perhaps they all became friends in the end, if I missed it, it was not a loss (missing any of the movie would not be chalked up as a loss by myself). From the movie, I realize I am pretty much too old fashioned for this world. What seems to be what our elites and pop-culture see and understand is so far outside of my worldview that I am no longer a member of what I had thought was my community. I understand that I no longer belong, and further, I have no interest in belonging. My nation may or may not have died, but to me, either I have changed or it has changed beyond repair. It was good, however, to see even a liberal balk at the affront by the movie. But she, too, is older though. Our time is done, her side has won, yet I think she is, if slowly, understanding the destruction of her win. She also seems a bit troubled at my decision to back away from everything. She is surprised that I see no way back to morality, ethics, freedom, or such. I think she had counted on me and mine always fighting and perhaps holding her and her’s passions in check. She is not sure what to do without resistance. She will have to learn. Most of this came in small snippets, all of it without anger. I was not trying to press her buttons, just letting her know. And asking her what she sees.
In any case, we were able to do her work, to her demanding expectations, in short order. She was quite pleased. So, I was pleased. I will have to, before the week is out, call and see if she finished her task. I always like receiving the rest of the story.
I have been asked to help at Church. A friend of mine sets up before church and does so every week. He sometimes needs to travel, and would like to take time off from time to time in any case. So, he has asked me to learn what he does so that I can take over from time to time. I had agreed to this before I realized I had lost my chance at school, therefore before I had decided to move. I am going in and learning, as I have not yet figured how to break the news. I have one hope, I know someone who is new to the area who might be able to fill in for me. I must ask that, but I have been a bit nervous about it. Other than that, there is nothing I can do. I am set to leave here in January to March, if a couple of variables may be attended. That finished up my Saturday. I was not able to study when I returned home. Still, it was an excellent Saturday.
When one door closes, looking around causes one to realize how many doors there really are. It is too much to consider at one time. There is a whole world out there, if it is not as interesting or challenging (or so it seems from here and now). And, I know all the other doors more quickly lead to decline. My time, for the most part, is over. I am not able to be consistently useful. So, what is left to me is to try and simply enjoy and explore life itself. On the other hand, I do have some gear for beginning that, and some interests to begin using that gear and other equipment. My knowledge and certainty of ability and capacity are what need to be expanded and tested at this point. Who knows what is out there? As well, there is no reason I cannot keep exploring and learning the sciences and math. Though it is a bit more difficult to do on my own, at least from the books I have seen. It is not impossible to some degree though. Such is life.
.
I had hoped to study yesterday and today but friends needed help yesterday. I was asked to “help” my lady friend stay up yesterday. She suggested I bring a movie and maybe some food. What she really meant was that she needed help moving things down from her little upper floor so that she could clean it today. In any case, I did bring food (very little of it was interesting to her, or as it ended up, me). The movies I brought were of little interest either. I went for something new, of which there was little of interest. All of it was either too scary for her, was too political for me, or both. So, I went with something I had only heard by name but knew nothing about. A supposed comedy. I also picked an older movie we have both seen but which was interesting. The movies, Zohan and The Sixth Sense. She had little interest in the old scary movie, so we put in Zohan. It was as political as the rest, raunchier than either of us cared for (we assumed the first scene of such nature was a massage, but no). It was a grotesquery of modernist sentiment. In spite of her liberalism she does have serious limits, moral codes (which I cannot see or understand, I think they flex and change a bit, and they are sort of feminist based I think?), and she prefers the subtle immorality of older Hollywood style, say back to the 40’s and 50’s type movies. As for me, I am conservative back to the Old Testament or something, honestly. If I fail to live within that completely it is my goal. It is quite difficult in this world. Anyway, Zohan seems to describe the conglomerate worldview which allowed Obama and McCain to even be on the various tickets.
The movie ended up being ignored while we went to work. I watched bits of it between moving the books, boxes, clothes, and asunder she handed down (giving me explicit directions for the placement of each item or group of items… she amazes me in this way sometimes). The movie seemed to indicate that the world comes down to Jews and Arabs against rich white people and rednecks. Perhaps they all became friends in the end, if I missed it, it was not a loss (missing any of the movie would not be chalked up as a loss by myself). From the movie, I realize I am pretty much too old fashioned for this world. What seems to be what our elites and pop-culture see and understand is so far outside of my worldview that I am no longer a member of what I had thought was my community. I understand that I no longer belong, and further, I have no interest in belonging. My nation may or may not have died, but to me, either I have changed or it has changed beyond repair. It was good, however, to see even a liberal balk at the affront by the movie. But she, too, is older though. Our time is done, her side has won, yet I think she is, if slowly, understanding the destruction of her win. She also seems a bit troubled at my decision to back away from everything. She is surprised that I see no way back to morality, ethics, freedom, or such. I think she had counted on me and mine always fighting and perhaps holding her and her’s passions in check. She is not sure what to do without resistance. She will have to learn. Most of this came in small snippets, all of it without anger. I was not trying to press her buttons, just letting her know. And asking her what she sees.
In any case, we were able to do her work, to her demanding expectations, in short order. She was quite pleased. So, I was pleased. I will have to, before the week is out, call and see if she finished her task. I always like receiving the rest of the story.
I have been asked to help at Church. A friend of mine sets up before church and does so every week. He sometimes needs to travel, and would like to take time off from time to time in any case. So, he has asked me to learn what he does so that I can take over from time to time. I had agreed to this before I realized I had lost my chance at school, therefore before I had decided to move. I am going in and learning, as I have not yet figured how to break the news. I have one hope, I know someone who is new to the area who might be able to fill in for me. I must ask that, but I have been a bit nervous about it. Other than that, there is nothing I can do. I am set to leave here in January to March, if a couple of variables may be attended. That finished up my Saturday. I was not able to study when I returned home. Still, it was an excellent Saturday.
When one door closes, looking around causes one to realize how many doors there really are. It is too much to consider at one time. There is a whole world out there, if it is not as interesting or challenging (or so it seems from here and now). And, I know all the other doors more quickly lead to decline. My time, for the most part, is over. I am not able to be consistently useful. So, what is left to me is to try and simply enjoy and explore life itself. On the other hand, I do have some gear for beginning that, and some interests to begin using that gear and other equipment. My knowledge and certainty of ability and capacity are what need to be expanded and tested at this point. Who knows what is out there? As well, there is no reason I cannot keep exploring and learning the sciences and math. Though it is a bit more difficult to do on my own, at least from the books I have seen. It is not impossible to some degree though. Such is life.
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