Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Watchmen.

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It was a difficult movie for me to watch. Hollywood wants to put warts on good guys and bad guys along with showing the truth about the intent of their people, and they did. It was rather gritty, definitely dirty, and hard core. Do not take your children to it. I think it pointed out the true intent of modernists, socialists, atheists, and such. And of course, their side won... at least on Earth in flesh in their time, the time of the movie. I found myself fitting in between the Comedian and Rorschach. And, yeah, I thought it was a gas, as I often do. I will not recommend it, most probably cannot handle it. I will only say I liked it. The music, quite often, was of the extreme leftist bent, of course. And, of course, they always tried to show the lefties as good and kind little heathens. Which of course, after Hitler the vegetarian, and Stalin, and Marx, the world should know better by now. Not to ignore, of course, our own little murderous circle of homegrown leftists. Of course, many of the sheep are stupid enough to walk into gulags, but that is not the real point. Yeah, and blue boy matches our scientific community… expertly.

It also looks like there might be some other good movies coming out soon. I will probably have to go on my own, after some of my comments, I think the Q.O.D. would rather be lit on fire than go to another such movie with me. Which is fine, my fire is lit. I think I can, I think I can, and whatnot.

Ciao

Friday, March 27, 2009

Jealousy…

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I know it is a sin, at some point in how far it can be taken. Coveting another person’s wealth, spouse, health, or success, is a sin. My jealousy does not go that deep, nor would I deprive the owner to obtain it. My lady friend has suffered as I have, but to a lesser degree. She is able to work, if life is harsh. She has stayed to night work for many reasons, most of them having to do with her anti-social nature, at least in part due to her perpetual exhaustion. She has been going in for sleep studies (as have I, have no doubt). But for her, the results were significant enough that an intervention was seen as fitting and begun (which neither of us thought we would be able to tolerate, in theory). She says she is a new woman today, after a trial of that intervention last night. They told her she was in near constant R.E.M. sleep last night, as her body tried to catch up. Yeah, jealous… but not begrudgingly so.

We are going to a movie today, we missed it the other day. The Watchman is on, and that is one I wanted to see on the big screen. I hate going alone or I would have gone already, if I had somehow been able to clamber out of the cave as well. I honestly did not think she would ever make it. She came by early to tell me her good news and to tell me to be ready for a 13:00 showing. I had gone back to bed to get a bit more sleep, 13 hours is just a bit shy these days, when the doorbell rang. I was sure it was the Q.O.D., so I got back up to see what the difficulty with her would be this time (tongue in cheek here, mind you). It was not her, but a young woman with an invitation to some celebration of Christ’s birthday or something. I remained pleasant, thanked her for her time, accepted the brochure, and just could not quite go back to bed, so here I am. Never worry, I am not awake. Then again, when am I? A few hours a day, sometimes whole days (!), sometimes not for weeks at a time… am I really awake. But, it is what I have.

I think I feel something. Yeah, I do. Hunger. Then time for a nap. Bye.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Odd physical problems at the moment.

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I am not sure what the difficulty is, currently, other than it seems to be of a physical nature. My arms and leg muscles ache as if I have been physically straining them, I am once again exhausted but it feels like the type of exhaustion that comes from physical activity rather than from my other problem. I am sleeping in spats, staying up only 6 to 8 hours, and then needing sleep. And any real activity, such as grocery shopping or light packing exhausts me greatly. It is not worry, as I have pretty much taken care of those things which bother me. My dreams have been dark. I have found in the past, when I can remember dreams and they are of war that this can leech my strength. I cannot remember the dreams other than that they are dark, hard, and I am very physical in them. Odd that dreams can do that, but they do. I suppose it is those dreams that keep me in the shape I am in. Though I am overweight, and though I cannot seem to garner strength or fitness on demand, when need calls I seem to be able to function way beyond what a totally sedentary life should allow. Hike 12 miles, with a pack, no problem. Help people move, even in hot weather, not an issue. I wish this particular corpse I inhabit came with instructions, it baffles even the doctors.

I went to the dentist yesterday. I have poor tooth care habits, so I am always a little nervous when I go. It is not cavities that concern me, it is the displeasure of my care providers. As usual, I received an A+, and more. They found cavities that had started to form, stopped, and even reversed themselves and started healing. My gums had no recesses, or pockets. Neither the cleaning technician nor the dentist where particularly pleased, especially when I indicated I had only brushed perhaps 10 times since I had seen them last. My smirk does not add to their favorable view. But it is light, not heavy disdain they poor upon my tired head. And, I still have that smirk. I am sure, perhaps, one day God will wipe that smirk right off my face. And, should I be able, I will gladly trade it for a face indicating the simple sublime. Oh, I might as well be honest. That smirk comes not from pride but from a lack of understanding as to why my health is so good in spite of it being so bad. It is more like a perfectly healthy and more human being frozen into an inability to function for no health reasons at all. I am dying of aging… A slow process. An uncomfortable process. But while time passes me by, I remain fitter than could be imagined. Even this exhaustion, and the aching muscles, come from some form of my body’s work-out routine. It keeps itself fit this way, somehow.

I have not called the dealership. I really am just too exhausted, mentally and physically, to deal with that today. Actually, I could not get the trash out this morning, I could not wake up. I even set alarms, which while they woke me, I could not wake enough to do more than put them on snooze or reset them. I was not able to rise until about 14:00. Dreams, lots of them. I do remember a few lesser ones, but not the bad ones. It is now 16:56 or so, and guess what? I need to go back to sleep. Not even my game can keep me awake. I hope your sleeps are nourishing. If they are, feel blessed, for you are. I live two or three days in a day, lately. It is confusing. Anyway, goodnight, at least until later this afternoon or evening? Bah!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

To be honest…

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Things went down hill quickly when I left school and stopped medicine. I do not think it was the medicine, as that was becoming as much a problem as it was helpful. I started playing a computer game and was not dealing with real life at all. Phone calls were ignored, mail was stacked and properly ignored, and I left the house only when I was able and then only to go to the store for food. Well, my lady friend dragged me out into to the darkness from time to time. Which would have been fine, if my assumptions were correct. My assumption, the primary one, was that everything was on automatic pay. My bad.

My credit cards were not being paid. Neither was my automobile payment. I found out this month my auto was 3 months in arrears. My cards were a bit behind as well. I have not been spending money, but then I had seen my balances and thought they were completely available for the move. After finally paying some attention, and then realizing these things, I got busy. I paid one of my cards off whole (I do not charge unless I have the cash, so no big deal there). The other card received a healthy pay, and is scheduled for another good chunk this coming month. As for the auto, I agreed to pay one payment this month and 1 and ½ payments from here on until I am caught up (and I think I will just continue that payment plan, to have it paid of well and early). After looking at my balances, I actually paid my first payment and a half this month. So, I am taking care. As well, I would still have enough to move this month if I chose to. Therefore, in a few months, I will be in really good financial shape for the move and my credit cards will be clean too, for emergencies or whatnot.

However, I became a bit tweaked yesterday. The car company called, asked for more than what we had agreed to, and indicated they need to call every three days. I really cannot handle that stress, and I told the woman that if this is indeed the case, I will return the vehicle. They have already messed up my finances and I cannot handle that much pushing. She said it is policy, and I indicated that policy will get the vehicle back in their lot in hard financial times. I then hung up. Yeah, grumpy, I think that might be it. But I just cannot stand this touchy push stuff. I was set to return the vehicle today, in my mind, but I had a dental appointment and some other things to do first. And, I had reconsidered. I think I will call my dealership and ask them to make sure what I was hearing was correct and seeing if they would like to mediate rather than have another vehicle sitting there rotting. It is amazing what happens when other people find that their fingers are in the same mouse trap mine are in, too.

One thing I am sure of is that whatever else, I really want to find a way to keep my home kempt. I am not good at this. I can be lost from or to flesh, or as I have suggested before accidentally transcendental, for long periods of time. I only live here part time. Perhaps like the necromongers in the movies, or Hera’s daughter, living in the lands of the flesh only partly, or sometimes. Where I go I cannot be sure. Even things of flesh, like mechanical devices, can be excessively confusing to me at times. From what I know of Zen, I imagine the perfection of that philosophy. Things of flesh are almost abysmal to me then. I cannot seem to understand touch, texture, or even pain. I sense them, might even intellectually understand, but I cannot seem to connect with them. Still, I love cleanliness. I enjoy a maintained home. Oh, I will always need a clutter room, my room. But the rest of the home will, somehow, be maintained. I will figure it out, I think

I am slowly trying to catch you all up on my life, and helping myself by creating order to the recent seeming lost times. By writing, I cement the reality and am more able to plan the near future and create even longer term plans. Writing is powerful for me. Words, even spoken but more written, have a connection with what is. They lead to real creation, development, and develop the true future. Try it, some time, if you do not do so already. Be well.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Death is never so sad…

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I have been contemplating my situation. With a profession and school out of my grasp, and little other use for me, I realize I am simply waiting to die. Oh, yes, I can enjoy some life before I die. And, I might have as much as 2, 3, even 4 decades or more to live. But, I am done. Doctors probably could help, if they were not cowering in fear of the legal community (and to some extent, their own moral majority, to twist a twist) or simply disinterested. But I am not willing to beg and I am hard pressed to trust them, at this point. No, it is over. And, it seems sad. I have stewed in sorrow a bit. That gets old. Then I started thinking.

Compared to most people’s lot, I think I prefer mine. So many people are living here to die for eternity. So many people cannot or will not accept more than some vague notion of ‘a god’, or accept God but really do not see how that affects them. They live in what they know is sin, even when they learn to hate the sin. They do not look for guidance, forgiveness, or real love for which their sin or sins fill in for. In an odd way, it is like two ships, sinking side by side, but in very different ways, for very different reasons, and to quite opposite ends. I realize the sadness of my situation is dwarfed by the shameful dissonance of the world of man with God.

Not that this notion brings me cheer. As I said, mostly, it is a greater sadness. That I can do nothing, and do not think I do not try, bothers me more than being disabled. However, it does add perspective. It allows me to see that what I lose is nothing compared to what whole people are throwing away. I am gaining more in my crippled status than those who have no infirmity. I was crying over my lot until I noticed this, and I cried the more. The “big tears” of Ulysis, I should think. And yet, there is some time. Maybe not much, for any of us, but some time. In that, I find some hope. Maybe a few more will find the Divine before the end. Sadly, though, I think more will be lost than will find their way. This is not the time for salvation. As I am dying, so is the world and in more ways than one.

Life is well, for the most part. I have stopped checking my blood pressure or sugar levels. I have collected all medications and am considering how best to dispose of them. I am 1/3 to ½ packed. And most things are coming together for the move and business-wise. I am wrapping most things up and preparing for a simple, sedate, solitary life. I think I will avoid most interactions with people. I see that most drift in life, their hands are not their own, and evil comes of it. I do not want most people around me, for that reason. I have tried to help some, I have prayed for them, I have served them, I have helped them were I may, all to no avail. They are closer to death than I.

Then again, perhaps Utah is not Iowa City. Though I do not abide Mormanism, as my religion, I see it and it’s fruits as more viable than most denominations of mainline “Christianity”. They have families, they have faith and a real faith not a social one, and they have gone to bat for it. I do know, however, that my faith may not be acceptable there. This is something I will have to find out. From what I have seen, however, that is not necessarily the case. I will find a Catholic Church there, and I will attend, irregularly as that may be. I have a difficult time doing anything at some particular time. If grocery stores were only open an hour a day, and I had no other means of getting food and no one to help, I would starve. I which that was a jest.

I do not think I will be completely packed by the end of the month. Maybe by the middle of next month, maybe not until the end of it. But certainly well in time to move. The extra time is ending up not being a bad thing. Still, I would rather be there, yesterday. This is a sad place, a lonely place, a dying place. The only hope here, for those I am among, is for gold, sex, drugs, and “self”. All of it will be washed away and lost, seen for the fools gold it is, when time is up. It is uncomfortable to be surrounded by these lusts, even or maybe more so, as I become inured to such things. Oh, I still have lusts, but they are the type one can reasonably lay claim within God’s will, if at times I stray a bit far afield. I have stayed celibate for 5 years, and will remain so until I find a wife, and then until after we are wed. I even avoid too much of a dip into the barley-corn, or whatnot. A few beers from time to time, a drink on an occasion, a shot or two to enjoy an evening warmly, if too a very occasional drift into a deeper cup. My other sins are more slight. I am sure sloth can fit, but considering my crippled nature, I am not sure how to avoid it. Ask a leper (of old) why he looks so shabby, it would be similar. And of course there are thoughts. Mostly of women. But, as time has passed, I have learned to control these for the greater part. Perhaps that is why I can be so grumpy? Meh, the price is worth the pound, mostly.

I hope you out there are enjoying life. I hope you are finding ways to keep life clean, kind, open, and honest? I have always felt that my readers are generally good folk. I cannot be certain, but I am not stupid either. I have learned from many of you, and been succored by your graces. Your names have crossed my lips when speaking to God. Even the Godless among you. There is still a little time. Oh, if you are ever curious about your nature, look to what you have sown from the seeds you have planted. Though I have no children, mostly, I think I have tried to sow honesty and love, respect in it’s due, and a harsh tongue it it’s. I know I have been wrong, but I know I am now on the right track. I hope you find yourself on the same train, even if we face the wrong way heading the right way, at times? Be well.