Oddly cold.

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Not very much.  Laundry was set to dry.  Dishes were reset but have gone cold.  I finished the last of the pizza.  A few very small other things.

I called my mother.  She fell yesterday.  Another snowstorm hit.  Beside dropping three inches of snow, the wind yanked her off her feet while trying to bring her groceries in... the wind snatched the screen door.  On her head, on a rock.  Rung some bells, cut her noggin.  I'd like to press her to go in.  She is seeing her doc soon, so won't.  I get that.  How can I tell her to do other than what I would do?  It isn't even, or all, about the money... or I'd send it.  She'd just go gamble?  ;p

Still, bothersome.  We don't always get along, if better lately, mostly.  I just don't like to think of such.  Good thing, as she says, she is a tough bird.  I plan on staying up later to call and check on her.  Otherwise I would crash.  Hmm.  Might try to do something until then.  Might have to just to stay awake.  Worried she might have a concussion.  Tough doesn't always cur it.

As to the cold here, it's strange.  It is raining, so above freezing.  Yet the cave is not keeping warm.  The water must be stealing heat in some way.  Not only is the furnace weak, the cold spots are massive.  Unless... visitors.  That would explain temperature anomalies.  My health would as well.  Hmm...  Actually, because of what I have eaten, I should be nearly fevered.  Regardless of the environment.  Never mind.

Right. Heading back to life.

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A cold spring, massages, forgetting to eat, the threat of hard dreams, health limits and perhaps a minor dip in health, any number... perhaps all.  A problem with one, three, even all if mild enough, or ordered in such a way that each can be mitigated (juggled, really), and I can sometimes get through.  Not this time.  I was already falling after overdoing a bit.  After the massage I mostly stopped remembering to eat.  Even milk would have helped.

I just drank tea.  A dire thirst beset my notions.  A fog settled over the rest of my senses.  Sleeping much, even while awake.  I don't mind.  It is still the colder part of spring.  There was sunlight today.  The world is preparing for a return to life.  I am as well.  I am thinking of finding the trailheads up to both the hard and easier climb into the mountain  to my south.  I don't need it to be fully open to begin going.  As long as the entrance is open and even fifteen to thirty minutes of the hikes are open, that would be enough.  Actually, having limits would be best in the beginning.  As well, I can handle the cold, even severe cold, far better than the heat.  Best check, and lighten, my smaller pack.  Thin rain gear, dry extra clothes in a waterproof bag, several fire systems, at least a pancho or tarp and cord, ax and blade, food and water for a couple of days...  and more.

The next day I am up to being out I plan on doing a bit of shopping and to go looking for trailheads.  I sincerely hope that day is today.  And a stop at the post.  I'm going to make an effort to keep more up on business.  Ugh.  I can automate just so much.  I am hoping to actually at least start dishes today.  I have finished laundry... two loads over two days.  I will run the dryer a bit to fluff, or finish drying, the last load while I check wools.  Finished unless there is enough wool for that sort.  I have refreshed the soak of the dishes, just never got to them, these last few days.  A shower and shave, this time?  I have been working on my feet... cleaning under the nails, doing light cuticle work, and rasping dry skin on shower days, and using lotion every other or third half day (either before bed or when waking).  Bleh.  Lotion is weird stuff.

Well, if I owe you mail, be patient.  I am in a rough spell, off my game, behind the eightball in half my affairs, and still thinking a nap would be the better part of valor?  Right.  Right?  Yeah.  Just a short one.  Probably.  Something I might do first?  Soak beans for chili.  I can't eat as I used to, so a couple of cups of black and pinto.  Another cup of kidney if I have them.  Then burger, sausage, and ground lamb or turkey if the price is right, onion, and spices.  I'll check the most likely place for domestic herbs and spices, not just for this.  I need thyme, tarragon, oregano, rosemary, sage, powdered garlic and onion, none of it from China or other suspect nations.

I can't believe IC had so much better fresh locally produced herbs and spices, dried and fresh.  Everything I find here is at least out of state.  Much of it is bottled, with extremely ambiguous origins.  I'll do what I can.  Started looking online... honest, but sourcing from Egypt, Israel, Italy?  Why?  I want US, and without a doubt.  But not the big brands.  They outright lie.  *shrug*  I am at the point of not buying, growing my own.  It's a matter of between now and then, assuming it is possible.  Ugh.

Did someone mention naptime.  Hmm, a Doom sized carton of milk first.  Plastic these days?  Bleh.  Wait until you realize plastic puts androgenics in the products.  Doesn't get adults, mostly.  Kids?  The targets.  Intentional.  Later.

You know, food is rather important.

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It isn't all of it.  It does play a role.  I realized I haven't been eating.  Probably running at 0 to 500 calories a day for... a while.  Maintenance caloric intake, if my body could run all functions at idle, would be between 2,500 to closer to 3,700 calories.  The thing is, even now, a third to two thirds of my systems are catatonic.  Switching from time to time.  Rather than closer to fatal energy per organ blackouts, I go through less severe rolling brownouts, and of shorter durations.

The problem with things is several-fold.  The first is that I am not working with constants.  How many calories burned per day depends as much on which organs and muscles work as what I may be doing.  What uses the most calories, and pretty much all other inputs?  The brain.  As well, my inputs vary greatly, for several reasons.  Sometimes because I can't eat, because I don't digest, forget to eat, or possibly other problems.  Some of those aren't calculable.

There is a simple way to know.  Whether machine or living, input in will approximate output by volume, or is understood through some rough algebra.  I... had started to wonder what the problem was.  Then... clear.  Way to few calories.  Pizza helped yesterday.  Tempted to do another run today.  I need several solid food loads, for several days, in order to kick things over.  I can't cook because I am behind on dishes, have nothing thawed, and just cooking is beyond my reach, possibly.  Bad food?  Some days calories in, any calories, is good.

No nightmares.  Surprised.  No dreams or remnant emotions.  I don't mind normal nightmares.  Those remind me how to respond to difficulties.  Practice.  It is only when the dream is fixed when they are difficult.  The past, or how I remember it, cannot be changed.  I am not sure which is expected.  I used to know when they would happen, though I never could tell which type.  Strange they haven't arrived.

Politics?  I was starting to suspect they had worn Trump down, or gotten to him.  This spending bill?  If it goes through it means Trump is done.  He is a wildcard, pretty alone, an outsider, and a pro-American in a political system fully hateful of it's own people... if he is as sold.  No easy task, if that is why he was chosen.  I guess we will find out if he surrendered or was always on the other side.  Tick.  Tock.

Later.

Never can be certain.

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I feel sure something is closing in.  Darkness, death, hard mean things.  The Sandman can send anything of fiction, even some things of fact, and not win.  I have died in my dreams.  I don't know if that would be fatal to you.  I just know it hasn't been for me.  Past performance is no guarantee of future truth?  There are things he could send.  My kill switch for those is iffy, or at least rusty.

A slow day.

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Turning up the furnace has worked.  Food has helped.  Both were employed.  Being a dark day doesn't help.  I will take a shower very shortly, put a load of laundry in, go to the post office, go for lunch, then return and hit the remaining dailies.  I will work today. I will get at least the basics done.

I keep seeing advertisements for the NRA.  And I would like to join.  Lifer, today?  However, being a veteran, whose only medical malfunction is heart related... and for that am exempted from gun purchases and concealed carry?   I can't join a club which doesn't serve me.  Get that fixed and I'll join right after I receive my concealed carry permit, and have it for six months to a year.  Why support rights I am not supported in having?  Especially service connected, totally disabled?  I earned that right more than most can, if rights aren't something that can be earned.  God given or mob rule are the only options.  Get it done or go pound sand.

Later.

Swinging days of spring.

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To bed by nearly 19:00, awake by almost 3:00.  Eight hours is the goal, sixteen hours awake, minus naps.  I know I dreamed.  Not the dark dreams I had expected.  I'll put music to the notion shortly.  Perfect match, several dreams, if not actually erotic.  About as pure cheesecake as one could imagine.  If... it sure leads another way.

Good night.

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Technically a nothing day.  Hmm?  Oh.  I called about the other phone.  They got tech out right today.  It is fixed.  I'll be checking it regularly.  If I can be sure it works, I can eliminate the cellphone.  Although I will have the ringer turned off, with no messaging.  I simply won't be harassed.  It is for my use only.  I really wonder if that isn't the problem. Can they attack the phone lines of those who refuse to answer?  Physically if need be?

Strange chow.

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I remembered a discussion with a young woman a year or two back.  The topic of quinoa came up.  She seemed to know of it.  So I asked of her experience.  Her mother, she said, would mix brown rice, quinoa, and perhaps other similar items.  I was told it was tasty.  I wasn't sure about cooking it together, didn't want to cook it apart, so sort of let it go.

With recent experiments in food being successful, the notion crossed my mind again.  I gave it a shot.  Just brown rice and quinoa, this time, cooked together.  It was rather good.  I went two rice per quinoa, two parts water per dry.  Wonderful, as far as such go.  Then I added burger, forgetting I had cooked sprouted wheat in that.  It made for an interesting meal.  A quarter cup of cheddar and a side of milk and life was good.

I think I am making bulgar, on it's own, with the wheat.  I'll try to remember where I read that.  The Joy of Cooking, 75th Anniversary, I think.  A pretty solid cookery, baking, and etc. tome.  If I had to have only one, that would be it.

Still zapped.  A nap?  Maybe.  Pretty dark out there still.  It has been raining.  Beats snow which beats ice.  And yet rains seems to make the world colder than snow.  Water creeps in, flows where snow isn't usually able, and in a volume snow can't duplicate.  Oh, they did get the recycling too.  After noon, almost 13:00?  I think so.  One last bit, my landline is down again.  I'll call them again.  Later.

It isn't about how I feel.

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For the most part I am feeling really good.  No aches, bunched muscles, knotted nerves.  It isn't that I am too relaxed, I went through that stage quickly, yesterday at about this time until 5:00 or 6:00.  Mildly.  It is a simple lack of energy.  It isn't to the point where sleep is desired.  Almost as much a lack of will power as it is a lack of energy.  Add in focus issues.

I'll chalk it up to what it takes for a nearly dead body to use a massage to learn to relax without surrendering that little tight grip that prevents death in full.  You do know I am not supposed to be alive, don't you.  Why do you think my feet have deformed?  Gripping to this world, to life itself.  So learning to relax without giving it all away takes external stimulus and internal filtering of that.  A lot more going on than appearances belie.

Still, the goal is to recover more swiftly.  Get back to work faster.  Then be able to do more work altogether in the end.  I will get there.  If I survive.  Probably.  Ugh.  That and eventual lowered blood pressure.  I can't show it has helped if I do sense that it has.  And, of course, the side effects.  Those mean something.  Much as with medication.  These sessions are rather potent.

I'll stick with the plan I made yesterday.  I am hoping to get back to things today, or tomorrow.  I will get back to things soon if not now.  I was speaking to my pedicurist.  She used to be a varied dancer.  As a once athletic type, I suggested how I used to prefer to remain relaxed, as relaxed as possible, until I needed a burst.  Then that spring was called in.  At first I wasn't sure she got it, then, maybe, it dawned on her?  Or was she merely being politely agreeable?  Anyway... I am hoping to find some spring in, from, through the relaxation.  It just needs energy.

Later.

Nothing.

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Other than it being 14:05, I am still awake without pain, and I ate a meal, that is it.  Further, it is bedtime.  It is what it was.  Good night.

Awake and well.

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A bit after midnight, down around noon, 13:00?  Something in that ballpark.  No headache, no bunched muscles and nerves, no body pain, and at least one really neat dream, if I think there were more.  Oh, no fever or overheating... if keeping the furnace as low as I dare all of the time helps.  Usually only keep it that low at night.  The girls aren't totally happy with it, but there are farm cats who know far worse.
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The dream -
I was living here, but had purchased a house from a trucker, to include the equipment and rig.  The neighbor wasn't happy.  He had access to the stuff (to what degree I don't know).  Eventually, grudgingly, he requested access.  I suggested it would be available unless things went missing (it was inventoried and rather well organized).  Actually he had to sign a responsibility voucher.  Not happy.  Done.

Actually a friend of his wondered about teaching me to drive.  While I couldn't go on long routs, I could bring a short haul, one of their trailers, a dozer on a flatbed, or such.  Just a third shorthauler.  I was deemed bright enough, and strong enough, to get and go.  So the training began.

This is in a version of post-collapse.  Not the wooliest of versions, obviously.  At least not more locally.  No state licensing or general oversight, heck, no federal.  Slower speeds often, road repairs being spotty and rarer.  But no road pirates or such.  My training was as good as it got.

I ended driving many short hauls for one or the other, with them in the passenger side.  Apparently I had a knack, an instinctive driver.  Even when I did it as they would not, it turned out to be a good call.  It was on the last of these, in the dream, when it happened.  Popping over a peak, starting a long, thankfully straight, harder grade, I geared as required then just eased on down.  Then it hit.  A freezing rain instantly turned the road into ice.

The rig lost all traction before anything could be done.  I asked for any advice, from the friend of my neighbor, who otherwise would have been driving.  Nothing.  So I asked that he not try to second guess or advise until whatever happened was done.  He, ashen faced, simply shook his head in agreement and swallowed a dry lump.

Initially I thought to try to run it to the emergency off ramp.  There were curves between here and there, and a few flat(ter) areas.  But she was picking up speed too fast for any of that.  Breaks wouldn't do, so gearing down?  It and steering were all I could do.  The first downshift or two went well, if to no effect.  Still, it is what was to do, or nothing.  On to the next shift.

This time perhaps something caught, briefly.  Instead of just slowing, the rig began spinning.  With some serious care, I ended going trailer first down the interstate.  I kept steering, and downshifting, until I could get to reverse.  A bit of a shudder, but kept it on the road.  Then downgearing to the lowest reverse.  Then brakes of some sort.  Actually on advice from my passenger/instructor... rightly as it turned out.

Still a bit rough.

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Mostly the neck and shoulders, kinked.  It is as bad as it has been this weekend.  If that is half as severe as the first time.  I can't remember for sure, or if I blogged about it, but I think I nearly quit massages the first time, for the initial fallouts.  These are twice as long.  I still think my recovery time is vastly superior and increasing this time.  Even so, it is still rough into the third day.  Sleep is off as well.

By the time I realized to get trash and recycling out it was too late.  At least for trash.  They saw me take it out.  Apparently, if they have passed on their plan they won't come back.  Oh well.  If trash went past, I'll bet recycling was missed too.  I'll give it to early afternoon.  I never can tell when, and have seen both past noon.

A shower.  Perhaps a shave.  A little work on the feet, trying to keep undernail areas clear, sometimes I'll use a rasp.  Weighed in at 262.6, the same first three digits as the last two times, over the last five or six weeks.  No more loss, but down from 285.  The goal is 240.  If I can hit that, then I might get excited about doing more.  If swimming, even walking, is tempting.  If I don't think walking will do anything save, perhaps, get me to swim... if the water is and stays clean at the reservoir... lake.  I just don't think walking, even at .mil pace, does anything.  Perhaps with a pack?  Nah, that just damages the knees.  Hiking though, that'll do you for.  I don't think the path I want is open yet.

Today?  Kitchen carts put together, dishes, dailies, and naps as needed.  Tomorrow, the post.  Not quite up to that today, this morning.  Oh, perhaps a load or two of laundry.  Trying to get back into the swing of things.  It might kill me, literally, but I can't just quit. Hit the gas and let's see what will happen.  Already been dead, have more faith than ever.  Not in me, mind you.  I... that was one of the first things I had to surrender when I finally saw the way.  Empty, open, faithful.

Good day.
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Well, that was different.  Two and an half hours later they... stopped and got the trash?  I did need it.  Perhaps, on their way back further on the line after several loads, it worked out.  I'm not so paranoid as to think writing would influence?  But when you live in an electronically sophisticated Mayberry... just maybe.  No joke.  It's not perfect, but the efforts are made.  Even for one such as me.  Usually, or more, by most.  If I hold no grudges against those who can't.

Smoother.

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Not back to work.  Still with headaches and bunched nerves and muscles.  Simply no where near the intensity.  Not comfortable, a definite strain, needing lots of sleep, at random times.  Just easier to work with.  I don't think I have even thought to use aspirin this time, though if I remember it didn't help... very strangely.

The girls want fed.  I missed there usual.  Could just give them hardtack for cats.  They would eat it.  Yeah.  While it isn't, strictly speaking, fair.  Life isn't fair.  Further, if I feed them canned now, I'll not hear the end of it for a week.  Can't treat them without them getting pushy, damned raccoon beggars.  So, yeah.  Dry.

I am missing a lot of things.  While I am not ready to work, I do need to hit dailies.  I will get trash and recycling(?) out, try to get dishes squared, and cook a few chops and eggs?  Something like that.  As much as possible before I crash again.  Oh, and a shower.  Amazing what a massage does to me.  I'm curious what difference there will be with the pedicure and massage a week apart.  It realy is good to have the feet without razor cuticles, nails pushed upward, and layers of dead skin on the heels and soles.  Well, some layers of dead skin to go.

Now to figure out where to swim.  Neighbor suggested school.  Not sure, but it is closer.  Don't want year passes, not until I believe it would work.  Nervous about having children around.  Kids are chaos, of their own sort.  Still, it's more that there would be enough times available, no older middle aged women trying to latch on, and no gas theft.  I'll begin looking into it.

Later.

The heat is back.

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Milder.  As are the aches and pains.  I would have suspected similar intensity, shorter duration.  Sleep has been up and down, if running myself into the dirt before the massage played a part.  To be honest, I think the massage partially cancelled the problems created by the work, as two waves in a pond, offset by distance rather than time in this case, will moderate each other.  Over time, if both are large enough events, they will do more cancelling than enhancing.  Well, in that situation.  This is more akin to  tidal modeling, where the waves hit squarely, thus the modifications are immediate.

Hmm?  I mean, I think it is working as hoped.  It will take time for it to work more exactly.  If I can get recovery down to a day, and more mild by a good bit...  I can still increase the level of intensity.  I am hoping to top that out.  Eventually I will have to, perhaps adding an extra session in a month.  Gotta try to get bp down.  Perhaps that isn't possible now.  I won't check for another month.  It took a couple months the first time, for it to begin falling.

Oh, I finally got an email off.  I fall behind from time to time, if not so bad as before.  I have trouble reading gmail through the ps4, even on a big screen.  The zoom feature makes reading annoying with as laggy as the system is.  Copying to blogger, then increasing font, plus zoom which works well in this system, and... there it goes.  Especially for longer emails.  One problem solved, mostly.

I am still up and down.  Unable to sleep for long, if sleeping better.  And I am feeling better while awake.  Definitely a better and faster recovery.  Later.
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