Not easily mortified.

.
.
Whether algorithms... an musical a.i. of whatever sophistication, someone who knows me... or believes they do, or just employees mucking about in the guts of machines, a roster of vids have been recommended, or technically viewed... while I know they weren't all seen by me.  The one I posted before, and one I saw before, were in the recommended section, oddly.  These... troubled me.  Why.  I don't know!  Terrified, actually.  It has taken me days to finally watch them all through to the end, like a child watching a horror movie scary scene through meshed fingers.  Then, not seeing enough, asking what happened.

Dreams and visions too.  Which were first I can't be sure.  Purging seems prudent.

I can't say what it is.  They may be unwatchable for you, if for different reasons.  I really don't... get the problem.  I merely have it.  Really didn't want to post, but... sometimes the only way for me to extract a thorn from my mind is to post.  I won't say they, or my difficulty with them, will make sense.  But what about an emotional response does make sense?  If you have a strong, even negative, reaction?  Imagine that somehow they were, if inexplicably, tied to you personally.  See?  Here.

A very long day.

.
.
I had hoped to sleep by 3:00 or 4:00 in order to wake by 12:00 to 13:00.  Visitors, then work.  Couldn't sleep.  Did open up for the ducks, put shelving together, but not all of it, didn't all fit.  May try another place for part or all of it.  It could help a lot.  I was up for visitors and work, plus grilled dinner, for both of us.  Ducks are buttoned down for the night.

Crashing.  Good night.

Always interesting to see responses.

.
.
When I do a video storm, usually there are videos in response.  If it is new to me, and a group I haven't rejected, I will give it a shot.  If I haven't played it in months, more so years, I give it a spin to see if it fits.  Not all seems to work, though I can miss tangents. Thing is, every time I bump the ether, something(s) and/or someone(s) bump back.  So it was.

I didn't do this sooner as weariness, but I also had an Internet outage last night.  Now.

Food, crochetting, a storm, and more.

.
.
Food, and drink, to start off.  I must admit, I used to mock what older people seemed to eat.  Cabbage?  Smoothies?  Health food (of any sort).  I didn't realize it was necessity, was my main problem.  I thought it was an odd attempt at immortality, rather than tending an aging body.  Sometimes, often, wrongly albeit.  Butter really is better, vastly superior, to margarine, for example.  The whole boomer gen has nearly been destroyed by bad, perhaps malicious, food advice.  My gen knew better than to believe, but good alternatives were very hard to find, and are still being slammed by the medical and media industrial complexes... which I believe are intent on destroying "whites", for whatever that means.

Anyway, I have found a diet that works, roughly, if I can stay on it.  Well, and control things.  One problem was nuts, for example.  No, I do love them.  It was a matter of self-control.  I, this time, cracked down.  Instead of going by intuition, I weighed out portions.  A package label portion was one ounce.  As noted, that is based on a 130 pound, 53 year old post-menopausal.  No need to say women.  Well, I can safely, literally, double that.  Probably more being male.  So, two ounces, discretely repackaged.  I... almost cried at how little even a double portion looked, but stuck with it.  I have those every few days.

I am really beginning to tend, watch, get the right foods more often.  The trip to my mother's threw me terribly off.  I haven't recovered.  Dealing with being shorted by Social Security, again, has me in trouble financially, so that isn't helping.  Ugh.  But I am getting back to things.

Drinks were another issue.  Tea, mostly.  Milk, then more to dairy kefir... if keeping up on it is a pain.  Then kefir water a few times a week... a lot of probiotics.  Are probiotics actually good?  All I know is they generally cut carbs and sugars, don't generally trigger diabetes, and offer variety to my drink selection.  In a sense, beyond that, I don't care.  Now cold brewed coffee several times a week.  To that I may be adding a keto cola.  Not great, different.  It's called Zevia, based on stevia.  If it doesn't hurt my numbers, I'll keep it.  I'll never drink it like I used to drink regular soda.  It is far too expensive.  Variety, though, is what will help.

As to crocheting?  Well, in trying to get all I needed, I technically succeeded but mechanically fell down.  Acrylic, check.  Number 5, chunky but not textured, check.  But far too dark to start with.  Especially without the right glasses, and being up, working, at night.  So... I ordered a few skeins of brighter colors.  One thing I realized, from the start?  Never order a single skein.  Some of them won't finish out a dish cloth.  Three might do two dish clothes, or so.  I didn't realize it was such an expensive hobby.  Don't go into it to save money.  Blankets must be a small fortune, not including time.  Ugh.  Still, so be it.

A storm passed through last night and tonight.  Serious for these parts.  The remnants of a hurricane?  Sam stayed out, even going out into it.  I'm not a "no" guy.  I might caution.  No more, unless someone will surely be harmed.  Crazy brave cat, for a cat.  I'll check shortly, again.  I fear the cold more than anything at this point.

Oh, looks like I was right about Logan.  Right to not settle there.  The ricine guy?  Yep.  The Boss, and his pops, independently, saw the fibs and locals nabbing the dweeb.  He'll just go to work at some college when he gets out.  It doesn't sound like he mailed it to Cruz's office, the POTUS and a couple peeps at the pentagon.  Whatevs.  Murderous treason deserves the death penalty.

Later, or good night.

I need to pull it together.

.
.
I am sleeping the literal day away.  I have things which have to be done.  Requiring day, office, hours.  I try to push one way, pull the other, to no effect at all... after letting it all settle out on it's own for days, and that failing.  Days?  Weeks?  More like weeks.  All I can do is keep at it.

Heck of a storm recently.  Heavy winds and a lot of rain.  Not much rain otherwise this year.  And, yet, the damn seems good.  Decided not to test lies and such.  Crazy what was going on there.  Cali needs to encourage depopulation, build more reservoirs, choose people over a fish which can easily be repopulated anyway, and probably all.  They shouldn't be allowed to steal water from stressed civilians who DO manage what little water we get.  Farmers want to sell their water shares instead of farm, let them, in an open honest way.

I was surprised my blood sugar wasn't higher.  I've been eating off the pasta.  Now I have two potatoes, and some rice.  I won't buy any of those again.  Oh well.  Shiritaki noodles, cauliflower, and a new notion... raw thick chunked mushrooms... will serve as bases.  I wasn't eating sauced meals often, due to carbs.  Now that my eyes are open to carb alternatives and how good a fat infusion process the sauces are, easily, I'll be keeping a sauce on hand for fast meals.  Replacing burger crumble, which had gotten terribly boring.

Also, while it sounds decadent, I can't eat much.  A gravy portioned with two to three pounds of hamburger will last two weeks, if it lasts two weeks, having nine to ten meals from it, or more.  I never need seconds.  I don't even need a large portion... Say a cup or two of sauce (remember, I'm 6'4"-5" and 260ish).  When finances are back in order, I'd like to try a mix of ground lamb, pork, perhaps turkey... with the burger and each other, to see if there is a... more perfect ground meat mix.  Though, I could examine prices.  I try to only buy burger at $3.50 or less a pound.  That's my target, trigger prices, for all meats currently.

I should ask if higher fat burger, 70% lean or fatter if they will, would offer a bargain.  I may call the butcher if I can remember, load out twenty to thirty pounds of ground beef... would see me through a while, check on chuck roasts and ground lamb while at it, perhaps pork chops and butt roasts.  Yeah.  The right price could secure meats for three months for a slim wallet.

Dreaming.  Going places that don't exist in the worlds you know.  It is amazing what is out there.  If just dreams, cool.  If more, all good.  Although, if a child of the Creator dreams it, does that make it real, somewhere, somehow?  The procreative was one of our most powerful gifts.  Who says it is just children.  Look at any city.  As barren as many are, with regards to new life, as with cathedrals, temples, on their own, they are certainly creations, and of man, in part, possibly wholly.  Out of necessity mayhap, if necessity is the mother of many wonderful and terrible things, it is her sons who arrange details and do the work.  Yeah, dreams.  At least it doesn't hurt there, and demons fear, if I think angels avoid.  Demons don't fear me, it's my faith, Who it is in.  Although there is... more to it.  Just... something I suspect.

Later.

Days are off.

.
.
I had to stay up late to open up the hutch and feed the ducks.  I'm not sure how early the coop can safely be opened.  I may try earlier, if of course that is a moving target on any account.  They are looking good.  I always, for brain work, do a head count when I check on them.  They move together and weave and bob as a group.  Sometimes the count takes several tries.  They would make great boxers!

Still bloated, gassy seeming if that really couldn't be the issue.  I am finishing up regular pasta, but have created two high-fat sauces, a white cream and red tomato and cream sauce, which are killer.  I also found an odd product onto which the sauces, at least white sauce, is super.  Fried pork rinds, partially crushed, make for a superior base.  Now to find some cooked better.  I'm not in this for manufacturers, they need to be in it for me.

On top of the sauces being exceptional, they last well in a simple container in the fridge.  As well as they are spiced, a big batch can be stored safely for several weeks.  What I also noted, when I added butter, whole raw milk, cream, and cream cheese in the white, I don't need seconds, or even as big a serving size.  Absolutely fantastic.

As for other bases?  Perhaps next month, I will try more shitaki (or miracle, if I got that first wrong) noodles.  I think the high-fat sauces will stick better, and cauliflower this month.  Why three types?  To have some shelf  stable goods on hand when I can't get fresh, required for cauliflower, to some extent I can't always keep up on that alway.  As well, cauliflower requires processing and cooking... again, something I can't always do.  Sometimes I can only shop once or twice a month.  Those go bad in a week, often.

This, however, is a major breakthrough for my keto culinary-foo.  Next up chile verde, with tomatillo and lemon and/or lime.  Eating at that Mexican restaurant brought back some long forgotten hungers.  And, yes, I would label the place authentic.  If finances turn around, I would stop in a couple times a month.  I like it done right.  And while I might be able to pinch a sauce, or do offal occasionally, I really can't put it all together, ala vie Papa Joe's.  They can, do.  A place, Mexican food wonderland, I knew growing up... we even stayed with the family sometimes?  We definitely did frequent day visits, and mom helped cook.

Ugh.  Still with the organs.  The pain is slightly duller.  Almost worse for it?  In a way.  I never did take aspirin.  I'll do it today.  And medicine.  *sigh*  The lord knows I do try, make serious effort, fail often even so.  I'll... keep at it.  Good day.

What is is?

.
.
Paraphrased, from paragraphs of thought.  Offered with a pointed intent.  Presumably from one who might know, but without actually asking.  So it is.

Pain.

.
.
Not new.  Old pains.  Internal.  Organs, combined with bloat to... enhance the experience.  For days now.  I'd eat something to go, but I am doing well and more that way.  Nothing intestinal, it really is just some of the organs.  Twisted.  I do keep missing meds, can't focus, remember.  The pain... unless I can use what focus can be mustered to draw the mind from those senses, I get overwhelmed by the pain.  Ah, aspirin today.  I try not to depend on stuff.  I suppose, once in a while.

If this continues, I'll bring it up with my real doc next time I'm in.  If it kills me beforehand, then I won't need to worry.  I doubt there is much to do about it.  Just a body, beat up by a bum heart that can't really be fixed.  Why the body isn't dead as is is a God thing, and they know it.  They left me to die, God said no.  So far.

I did get the hutch open before crashing.  Trash and recycling went out.  The ducks still had food.  I don't think they had enough water to eat more than half to two thirds of their food.  Now I know where the cutoff is.  As long as it is a partial day, once in a long while...  If, generally, I prefer them to have full access to food and water... for all and conscience sake.  I've been doing well by them, so far.  The girls, cat girls, have allowed me to train to feed others, several times a day, since I don't eat that often myself, always.  If not perfectly scheduled, two feedings a day for the ducks, and about five to six small meals for the cats, most of those just a small pile of treats... but life is easier, and Sassy has stopped bulking up, looking more like a lady cat than front line nose.  And Sam doesn't get so terribly thin!  Crazy cats were causing concern.

Aspirin, medicine, then on to waking.  Later.

Quite a month, for the blog.

.
.
Blogger claims 6,226 visitors for the month.  I don't do advertising, so it doesn't matter.  Never sure... about anything.  It's my third highest stat, averaging half that, give or take 500, generally.  Or in the last three to four years.  I've quit, or tried to quit, other blog trackers.  Most set my security programs off.  Some just won't go away, quit.

Have you ever heard a cat whine?  I just did.  It's the strangest thing.  My bedroom door is shut.  I guess she wanted in.  I just... you can't always get what you want...

I went completely off the rez last night.  Had a burger and regular soda.  That... I think it's like putting leaded into an unleaded engine?  I haven't been doing all that good this week.  That didn't help.  When out, if I forget my tea, to be honest, I think regular soda IS the best option.

There were problems with some of the keys on some doors.  New keys.  For the Boss.  Still sticky.  This time he offered my own advice, DW-40.  And, yes, it worked.  Funny how I can solve someone else's problem quickly, but not my own, even when, or after, recently offering that same fix.  Then again, I doubt if I am alone.  We just get used to something being as it is, well, and the fear of the mess of a real fix?  Yeah.  A fix can be fast and painless, or it can turn into an expensive, painful, week or month long foray into pain and deprivation.  Yes, it can.

I saw a bug back on the plant my mother sent.  Tiny, smaller than fleas, a flea's flea.  Could barely see it.  Killed it, if that won't be enough.  Hit it with diatomatious earth, but see that as only a temp fix now.  I'll begin searching for something else, a true bug killer. These things ate two and an half of the three leaves on this plant in two days.  They will kill it if I don't end them.  It finally has seven to nine new, if mostly tiny still, leaves coming in.  I will save this plant if I can.  Amazing how much these tiny bugs can eat, and how fast!  I suspect they are from the other plants, which are much more resistant.

No letter from the mailman. He isn't going to write anything.  I'll have to forgo that.  Waited all this time for nothing.  I really am beginning to wonder about some things.

Some folk don't understand, fully, my fear of my mother dying.  We are rather... connected.  If she goes first, the tie will not be severed.  If not born of her, I was certainly born for her.  I... would be closer, on into death and yet somehow more resistant to it for that.  Believe as yo wish.  I am all but certain.  As with my cousin who visited, only ongoing... difficult to bear in ways you can't understand.

Later.

Driving lessons.

.
.
I am doing pretty good.  Nervous about winter driving.  Not sure if there is a difference between stick and auto.  I never drove stick anywhere colder than South Carolina, near Charleston... they wear parkas there when it hits forty eight.  I had to laugh.  It did snow once while I was there, but I didn't have access to the stick and wouldn't have gone out anyway.  As bad as they were at driving in the rain, I stayed home if there was any kind of weather.  Night driving was easy enough, the bit I did.  I was a bit nervous about that, no major problem.

More of any practice would be good.  New tires are needed for winter driving, I am told.  Yeah, true.  Practice again Monday, work Friday.  Hopefully I'll paint this week, and do a few other things.  I will save making the screen door for Friday, and maybe a bit of the painting.  A bit of yardwork remains.

The ducks are doing well.  I can sort of quack at them, but it isn't quite their sound.  Better than most tall, footed, quackers.  I'll have to work on it, study then emulate their noises.  Water was good, food was low.  Yep, about three cups of food a day.  I have heard 138 grams per bird, per day.  I should evaluate that.  Oh, and maybe get a bath going for them tomorrow, and another day this week.

The Boss, who was playing the Boss on the radio when I got in tonight... just a funny, I thought, says they have a post hole digger.  But it's old, doesn't work.  I asked him to take it to a shop, see what the damages would be, assuming it could be fixed.  Might be worth a bit more to get a fix, and have it available, than pay slightly less for one use.  With a Ph. D., I could go places!  Ph. D., aka Posthole Digger.

Well, I never quite got to wake up.  And I may be going back to sleep soon.  So... good day, night... both?  Maybe.  Or later.