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Stolen from Desert Cat. No, nothing bad. Actually rather stunning, fun in many ways, and... worth spending a minute or two watching. But... you will have to click to see. I've been using too much bandwidth on the front page, making loading a bit hairy. So... best to put things under the fold.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Bleh.
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Sleep just didn't happen as early as I hoped. I was in bed by 23:00 and change, which is the earliest I have been to bed in... a number of days. Thing is I couldn't get out of bed until 11:00, and change. I had the weirdest night. I thought everything was normal. I usually sleep with three blankets. The bottom one, closes to me, is a really warm one my mother made. Remember, it's winter here and I sleep with the window open. I have a blanket and a quilt above that. Every few days I readjust my blankets, and did so last night, roughly. Make the bed? Yeah, hush. Anyway, without remembering rolling or anything, and something I haven't done before? I ended up, somehow, getting that bottom blanket off me, outside the other covers, and down at the foot of my bed. I have no idea how I would even do that, awake or asleep. It was not just out, but more like woven through the rest of my bedding. Don't ask, I simply have no answers. As far as I can tell, it was a perfect night of solid sleep.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Dental. I'll have to figure out when it is. I need to be there, I may have a cavity forming and want it checked before I run into serious pain. I think they called, and left a message. I just hope I didn't erase it. I could just show up early, but that leaves a lot of time to kill, out in the wilds. It is exhausting for me to try and warehouse myself for half a day in foreign, hostile, territory. I'm not sure if I am hoping it is later, or earlier. Later, actually, I am hoping. Or I'll have to push harder than I might functionally be able to do to get there. Gah!
Oh... on to waking. Later.
Saturday is it? Oh. Thankful, I am! First, that my neighbor stopped by and informed me. Or I might have ended up in SLC tomorrow. And, glad that I have another day to try to figure out how to get there. Yeah, it's that bad. Hmm... if it snows, or worse rains, I will have to reschedule. Other than that... I best get in. I only go every two or three years, so...
.
Sleep just didn't happen as early as I hoped. I was in bed by 23:00 and change, which is the earliest I have been to bed in... a number of days. Thing is I couldn't get out of bed until 11:00, and change. I had the weirdest night. I thought everything was normal. I usually sleep with three blankets. The bottom one, closes to me, is a really warm one my mother made. Remember, it's winter here and I sleep with the window open. I have a blanket and a quilt above that. Every few days I readjust my blankets, and did so last night, roughly. Make the bed? Yeah, hush. Anyway, without remembering rolling or anything, and something I haven't done before? I ended up, somehow, getting that bottom blanket off me, outside the other covers, and down at the foot of my bed. I have no idea how I would even do that, awake or asleep. It was not just out, but more like woven through the rest of my bedding. Don't ask, I simply have no answers. As far as I can tell, it was a perfect night of solid sleep.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Dental. I'll have to figure out when it is. I need to be there, I may have a cavity forming and want it checked before I run into serious pain. I think they called, and left a message. I just hope I didn't erase it. I could just show up early, but that leaves a lot of time to kill, out in the wilds. It is exhausting for me to try and warehouse myself for half a day in foreign, hostile, territory. I'm not sure if I am hoping it is later, or earlier. Later, actually, I am hoping. Or I'll have to push harder than I might functionally be able to do to get there. Gah!
Oh... on to waking. Later.
Saturday is it? Oh. Thankful, I am! First, that my neighbor stopped by and informed me. Or I might have ended up in SLC tomorrow. And, glad that I have another day to try to figure out how to get there. Yeah, it's that bad. Hmm... if it snows, or worse rains, I will have to reschedule. Other than that... I best get in. I only go every two or three years, so...
Friday, December 13, 2013
I'm not the only one.
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.
I don't know. I seem to get stuck in some things and little changes. Yeah. But... Here, let me show you. Now, he is out and out direct and this is on just one thing, though who knows privately. I'm stuck on a few themes. It's just the way it is. At least I'm not quite that public about it... mostly.
By the way, I saw the clip at AoSHQ. One of the writers was either picking on us, self inclusive or not I can't remember. Just... giving credit.
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I don't know. I seem to get stuck in some things and little changes. Yeah. But... Here, let me show you. Now, he is out and out direct and this is on just one thing, though who knows privately. I'm stuck on a few themes. It's just the way it is. At least I'm not quite that public about it... mostly.
By the way, I saw the clip at AoSHQ. One of the writers was either picking on us, self inclusive or not I can't remember. Just... giving credit.
It doesn't always make sense.
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.
Lately it rarely makes sense. Life just passes me by. I have no idea how to get a grip on it. Things to do, both for want and need. But it simply isn't working out well. I'm no longer in pain, which is generally a good thing. I have been taking my medicines, and increasing insulin (to no effect it seems... yes, I've been eating right too, as far as diabetes goes). I just keep looking for opportunities and not really finding them, or anything that helps. Lost. In the mind I do fine. I won't say I have become a stellar thinker, or a paragon of wisdom, merely that I lead a simple life, and attempt to be humble, back in the cave of the thoughts that reside in my flesh. Locked away, really. My body takes care of itself, and I can help mentally with that a bit. It's like two different creatures with some communication and shared interests, but mostly a divided living arrangement. Neither of us prefers it. Neither of us knows how to fix it.
Until I get up and through the dosage, then get level with that, I don't think much will change. I want to change it. But I also want to make it so people aren't hungry, thirsty, sinful, and ignorant. I have as much power over one set of notions as I do over the other notion. Wish in one hand, as a chief in the Navy once told me, and defecate in the other, see which fills the quickest. Yeah, yeah, but the truth is there even if not put in a form most prefer. Me, I like it plain and straight up, so... that saying works fine for my needs. Of course, it's why I don't wish in one hand. That's for a specific so-called religion I do believe. Don't want to lose your right hand in that group. Heh.
I woke late, again. But at 20:00 and change, I think I am going to try to get some sleep. My days have been rather good, with only the last few days becoming later and later. If I can, and I think I can, nip that in the bud, I will. If it is the only success I have, I will have it. Even if I fail, I won't fail by lack of effort... whatever that means in this fog. I never did get to my business, or some other business, or laundry, dishes, the kitchen, the rest of the cave, plumbing, setting up my shop... Those things will simply be there when I can get to them. Ah well. I could hate, but that doesn't help. I'll keep the things in mind and hop and jump when I can.
Good night.
.
Lately it rarely makes sense. Life just passes me by. I have no idea how to get a grip on it. Things to do, both for want and need. But it simply isn't working out well. I'm no longer in pain, which is generally a good thing. I have been taking my medicines, and increasing insulin (to no effect it seems... yes, I've been eating right too, as far as diabetes goes). I just keep looking for opportunities and not really finding them, or anything that helps. Lost. In the mind I do fine. I won't say I have become a stellar thinker, or a paragon of wisdom, merely that I lead a simple life, and attempt to be humble, back in the cave of the thoughts that reside in my flesh. Locked away, really. My body takes care of itself, and I can help mentally with that a bit. It's like two different creatures with some communication and shared interests, but mostly a divided living arrangement. Neither of us prefers it. Neither of us knows how to fix it.
Until I get up and through the dosage, then get level with that, I don't think much will change. I want to change it. But I also want to make it so people aren't hungry, thirsty, sinful, and ignorant. I have as much power over one set of notions as I do over the other notion. Wish in one hand, as a chief in the Navy once told me, and defecate in the other, see which fills the quickest. Yeah, yeah, but the truth is there even if not put in a form most prefer. Me, I like it plain and straight up, so... that saying works fine for my needs. Of course, it's why I don't wish in one hand. That's for a specific so-called religion I do believe. Don't want to lose your right hand in that group. Heh.
I woke late, again. But at 20:00 and change, I think I am going to try to get some sleep. My days have been rather good, with only the last few days becoming later and later. If I can, and I think I can, nip that in the bud, I will. If it is the only success I have, I will have it. Even if I fail, I won't fail by lack of effort... whatever that means in this fog. I never did get to my business, or some other business, or laundry, dishes, the kitchen, the rest of the cave, plumbing, setting up my shop... Those things will simply be there when I can get to them. Ah well. I could hate, but that doesn't help. I'll keep the things in mind and hop and jump when I can.
Good night.
Up late, still have things I best do. Bed time.
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.
I simply couldn't sleep, until about now. I wasn't up until noon, which might be the problem. Perhaps I will try to be up earlier tomorrow. Even 10:00 would be better. Even so, today was a short day, so there is the possibility I can push things tomorrow. But I have to call the V.A. I know I have some appointments coming up, dental for sure. I'll have to check my recent post with my list of other things to do as well. I am not focusing well. On the good side the pain is going, mostly gone now.
I have a couple of business things to do, but I really need to try and reach deep and get on my home. Beside cleaning, there is the plumbing. And... other cleaning, like my room. Throw in laundry. Yeah, well... Ugh...
The docs suggested I lower my water pill. But that's not working. My hands are inflating. It isn't too serious yet, so I might give it another week, or until something feels like it is going to pop. Odd how I was able to do without the water pill for so many years. Beer, I think, actually did the trick. And perhaps regular and even diet soda... Diuretics, you see. Really really. If I do go back up on the water pill I will need to get potassium in there, at least semi-regularly. While the vitamins, the daily and the occasional, are helping... no more cramping and I generally do feel better for whatever that really means, and just on balance, they are not, or no longer, help with keeping the potassium where it needs to be.
I did buy a katana, a longer one than usual. Sharp as a razor, I'll tell you. It has a nice feel, and form, but... I will have to practice with this. And, it isn't a single handed weapon. It could be, but the balance is forward of the "hilt". It's called something else for katanas, but it comes down to the same thing. With the weight forward, by a goodly distance (7" I think), and the blade being 33", it just isn't suitable for one handed work. There are moves that can be one handed. But for the most part it is a two handed sword. Sadly. My hand and a half actually weighs more, but because of the balance, I can easily wield it with one hand, and left or right hand. I may have to seek a katana that is balanced for one hand use, if that might make it actually other than a true katana. I had hoped to dual wield. And with the right swords, I can. Hmm? More stories from ol' Doom? Perhaps. I wouldn't test it, twere I you, but you may believe as you wish. In any case, I will have to learn new techniques... and, yes... I'll figure it out. I just know that it will never be a true single handed sword and would be absolutely untenable as a dual wield blade. Bleh.
Then again, my perceptions may truly be off. I have heard of a master who, it was claimed, wielded two full katana. But much legend loses reality. Not always, but... often enough. Perhaps it is a wakizashi, much as duel wielding with European swords is done, usually, with a main sword and an arming dagger or the like. And there are advantages and disadvantages to all weapon choices, single blade, two handed blade, and dual wielding of whatever nature. I will suggest, most of the what people believe about sword fighting has nothing to do with sword fighting. Best, for example, not to employ a sword as a shield. And should that be required, it won't be sharp edge to sharp edge. Never mind.
Oh, there is a master who does teach using two full length katana. I am sure the balance of the sword I have would not suit this practice, but this must mean there are swords that do. I thought so.
Oh, right. Good night.
.
I simply couldn't sleep, until about now. I wasn't up until noon, which might be the problem. Perhaps I will try to be up earlier tomorrow. Even 10:00 would be better. Even so, today was a short day, so there is the possibility I can push things tomorrow. But I have to call the V.A. I know I have some appointments coming up, dental for sure. I'll have to check my recent post with my list of other things to do as well. I am not focusing well. On the good side the pain is going, mostly gone now.
I have a couple of business things to do, but I really need to try and reach deep and get on my home. Beside cleaning, there is the plumbing. And... other cleaning, like my room. Throw in laundry. Yeah, well... Ugh...
The docs suggested I lower my water pill. But that's not working. My hands are inflating. It isn't too serious yet, so I might give it another week, or until something feels like it is going to pop. Odd how I was able to do without the water pill for so many years. Beer, I think, actually did the trick. And perhaps regular and even diet soda... Diuretics, you see. Really really. If I do go back up on the water pill I will need to get potassium in there, at least semi-regularly. While the vitamins, the daily and the occasional, are helping... no more cramping and I generally do feel better for whatever that really means, and just on balance, they are not, or no longer, help with keeping the potassium where it needs to be.
Then again, my perceptions may truly be off. I have heard of a master who, it was claimed, wielded two full katana. But much legend loses reality. Not always, but... often enough. Perhaps it is a wakizashi, much as duel wielding with European swords is done, usually, with a main sword and an arming dagger or the like. And there are advantages and disadvantages to all weapon choices, single blade, two handed blade, and dual wielding of whatever nature. I will suggest, most of the what people believe about sword fighting has nothing to do with sword fighting. Best, for example, not to employ a sword as a shield. And should that be required, it won't be sharp edge to sharp edge. Never mind.
Oh, right. Good night.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
A new idea and a Christmas treat.
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I'm fussy about pistols. None of them really fit for ease of draw, general access, and comfort. Well, okay, I wasn't really messing with where to put the holster. Being a bit grumpy, and yet innovative, today, I just decided to tinker. Ah... Success. At least with the 9. Holstered on the left side, with draw to the right, and the new mag, pistol, and holster all fit just right. A cross draw isn't a problem either. It's not fast, but neither is a standard draw. If I ever get around to getting a concealed carry permit, I will probably get a sling draw, down on my thigh. In Utah, if you have a conceal carry permit, even if you don't, you can open carry. However, without a conceal carry, and even with one, you can get hassled in the cities. With the permit there isn't a lot they can really do. Without it, they can really jack with people, and have. Not every cop, but it just takes one to really cause problems. No, not really for speed draw, even then. It's just... it makes for a more natural draw.
For Christmas, most people think of treats as sweat. No fuss here, I like my sweets. My mother is sending chocolate chip, ginger snaps, and some other things. If she wants to surprise me, homemade fudge, the only thing I actually like walnuts in, too. But no peanut butter cookies. I just don't like sweet peanut butter stuff! But, for my money, I'm into savory. And, more, into man-style savory. I have been searching for good pickled pork hocks, actually mostly meat with a good fat rind, locally, since I arrived. Nowhere could I find that. Not in Logan, not in Ogden, not in SLC. I had sort of given up. Then, while looking around online for other things, I found them! A brand I know, and remember having liked, a lot. They were only offered in pairs of 32 oz. jars. Still... I figure I can use that before it goes bad. And my guess is it would last a long time. *hint* Pickled! *hint* I've already eaten about a normal jar's worth. Yum! I'm definitely getting into the season. Yeah, yeah, I have duck for the actual meal, or thereabouts. This is just the stuff in the lead up. Hey, I'm an old bachelor.
Oh, I will be going private after this haiku contest is finished. Well, and after I figure it all out. I have three people signing on. I may ask a few others if they want access. And I may tag a post suggesting I will be going private and access will not be allowed for just anybody, for about a week, before going silent. So, yeah, it's... on the way.
.
I'm fussy about pistols. None of them really fit for ease of draw, general access, and comfort. Well, okay, I wasn't really messing with where to put the holster. Being a bit grumpy, and yet innovative, today, I just decided to tinker. Ah... Success. At least with the 9. Holstered on the left side, with draw to the right, and the new mag, pistol, and holster all fit just right. A cross draw isn't a problem either. It's not fast, but neither is a standard draw. If I ever get around to getting a concealed carry permit, I will probably get a sling draw, down on my thigh. In Utah, if you have a conceal carry permit, even if you don't, you can open carry. However, without a conceal carry, and even with one, you can get hassled in the cities. With the permit there isn't a lot they can really do. Without it, they can really jack with people, and have. Not every cop, but it just takes one to really cause problems. No, not really for speed draw, even then. It's just... it makes for a more natural draw.
For Christmas, most people think of treats as sweat. No fuss here, I like my sweets. My mother is sending chocolate chip, ginger snaps, and some other things. If she wants to surprise me, homemade fudge, the only thing I actually like walnuts in, too. But no peanut butter cookies. I just don't like sweet peanut butter stuff! But, for my money, I'm into savory. And, more, into man-style savory. I have been searching for good pickled pork hocks, actually mostly meat with a good fat rind, locally, since I arrived. Nowhere could I find that. Not in Logan, not in Ogden, not in SLC. I had sort of given up. Then, while looking around online for other things, I found them! A brand I know, and remember having liked, a lot. They were only offered in pairs of 32 oz. jars. Still... I figure I can use that before it goes bad. And my guess is it would last a long time. *hint* Pickled! *hint* I've already eaten about a normal jar's worth. Yum! I'm definitely getting into the season. Yeah, yeah, I have duck for the actual meal, or thereabouts. This is just the stuff in the lead up. Hey, I'm an old bachelor.
Oh, I will be going private after this haiku contest is finished. Well, and after I figure it all out. I have three people signing on. I may ask a few others if they want access. And I may tag a post suggesting I will be going private and access will not be allowed for just anybody, for about a week, before going silent. So, yeah, it's... on the way.
Went down late but hard.
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As 2:00 rolled around, I was able to sleep. I remember something, something, then rolling over at noon. Waking wasn't as tough this morning as it was yesterday. Medicines down the throat, brushed the teeth, but it will still take a bit to wake. I have no clue what is on the menu to even try today. I'll figure it out sooner though. A ten hour sleep, with a nap yesterday, probably just means I am in recovery a bit. Fine, fine, but I'll try to push through. Hey, at least I haven't given up, from pain, or in the doldrums, and just set everything on autopilot. You have no idea how tempting the notion is. Then again, as I harden to the rigors of life again, and illness, I may be losing the ability to drift. Not that it used to be a choice, and maybe it is just barely an option now. I have just enough health to still suffer greatly but not enough to suffer beyond my means? Maybe. I hope for more improvement. Barring that, I actually think the literal situation has gone from bad to worse, as to feel. I literally have to hope for more. Push for better. I guess, the old saying, that things must get worse before they can get better, is true. At least in this case, for me, now. Fine, fine. As long as it gets better.
I'm still feeling odd organ pains. Triceps are just a touch sore still. But all in all, today is a vast improvement. Another day or two and I may be completely pain free. And while I did sleep hard, and a little longer than usual, I did sleep well, woke well, and am feeling up to a full day... if not much activity probably. One thing at a time. I sometimes wonder if I focus to much on this stuff. But if you had felt the pain, or even what is left of it today, you would understand... it isn't so much that I focus on it, it is that it is intense enough that I can focus on almost nothing else. It's not so much a choice as a reality. Same for most of my complaints. Go to a hospital, where if you were me you would be. Look around the heart clinic, at the guys who don't do as well with our condition as I do. Talk to them. The ones who can talk through whatever they give them for the condition, the ones who can talk. The only real difference is I am not hospitalized for it.
Hmm... I just realized something... When the heart clinic heard, from some nurse practitioner at that despite them not finding it, that I had a heart arrhythmia, they were hoping for it. You see, they don't like messing with medicines. They, really, are hoping to do some sort of surgery. They really don't have any other use for clients. Since I won't do a heart transplant, and shoot down every false prognosis like the winner gunslinger in the Old West, they really aren't interested in continuing to see me. Now, for my part, I need them, but just for medicine updates and tests my gp can't order. I need them to monitor my condition in a way a gp can't and shouldn't be trusted to do. So, I will, if I have to, and again, fight the V.A. for my right to have a specialty clinic. Yeah, I see that coming. I've had to fight them before, and usually win. They are not in it for me. They are in it to make money as a teaching hospital, for the unions, and for cushy jobs that don't require lawsuit coverage. But it's what I've got. Gotta keep an eye on them, they are crafty bastards.
Later.
.
As 2:00 rolled around, I was able to sleep. I remember something, something, then rolling over at noon. Waking wasn't as tough this morning as it was yesterday. Medicines down the throat, brushed the teeth, but it will still take a bit to wake. I have no clue what is on the menu to even try today. I'll figure it out sooner though. A ten hour sleep, with a nap yesterday, probably just means I am in recovery a bit. Fine, fine, but I'll try to push through. Hey, at least I haven't given up, from pain, or in the doldrums, and just set everything on autopilot. You have no idea how tempting the notion is. Then again, as I harden to the rigors of life again, and illness, I may be losing the ability to drift. Not that it used to be a choice, and maybe it is just barely an option now. I have just enough health to still suffer greatly but not enough to suffer beyond my means? Maybe. I hope for more improvement. Barring that, I actually think the literal situation has gone from bad to worse, as to feel. I literally have to hope for more. Push for better. I guess, the old saying, that things must get worse before they can get better, is true. At least in this case, for me, now. Fine, fine. As long as it gets better.
I'm still feeling odd organ pains. Triceps are just a touch sore still. But all in all, today is a vast improvement. Another day or two and I may be completely pain free. And while I did sleep hard, and a little longer than usual, I did sleep well, woke well, and am feeling up to a full day... if not much activity probably. One thing at a time. I sometimes wonder if I focus to much on this stuff. But if you had felt the pain, or even what is left of it today, you would understand... it isn't so much that I focus on it, it is that it is intense enough that I can focus on almost nothing else. It's not so much a choice as a reality. Same for most of my complaints. Go to a hospital, where if you were me you would be. Look around the heart clinic, at the guys who don't do as well with our condition as I do. Talk to them. The ones who can talk through whatever they give them for the condition, the ones who can talk. The only real difference is I am not hospitalized for it.
Hmm... I just realized something... When the heart clinic heard, from some nurse practitioner at that despite them not finding it, that I had a heart arrhythmia, they were hoping for it. You see, they don't like messing with medicines. They, really, are hoping to do some sort of surgery. They really don't have any other use for clients. Since I won't do a heart transplant, and shoot down every false prognosis like the winner gunslinger in the Old West, they really aren't interested in continuing to see me. Now, for my part, I need them, but just for medicine updates and tests my gp can't order. I need them to monitor my condition in a way a gp can't and shouldn't be trusted to do. So, I will, if I have to, and again, fight the V.A. for my right to have a specialty clinic. Yeah, I see that coming. I've had to fight them before, and usually win. They are not in it for me. They are in it to make money as a teaching hospital, for the unions, and for cushy jobs that don't require lawsuit coverage. But it's what I've got. Gotta keep an eye on them, they are crafty bastards.
Later.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Up early but weakly.
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My organ meat seems to be settling. There is still an occasional muted thud that sends minor rifts of lightning pain. But it is rare and random, and is stopped much more quickly because the events happen as singular events and with enough time between them that my brain isn't having to track three to five at once... that slows my painkilling process greatly. The shoulders are good, back to normal already. Oddly, my triceps is where the pain from my shoulders, and stiffness from the neck, settled. Yeah, I don't understand it all either. Doctors just tell me I'm crazy. I'm only crazy because they tell me I am, which I refute. As usual.
I did find my diabetes tester. Oddly, blood sugar is still high, in the 190's. The only carbs I have eaten was a regular soda when invited to pizza. When I went out with my friend I had coffee, with splenda. I haven't even been drinking a lot of dairy. Perhaps a half cup of whole whipping cream per day, for coffee, and perhaps one large glass of milk every other day. I just don't get it. Blood pressure was right around 150/100. That beats the 210/140-160 sort of average before that, but it's still a bit high. I thought the higher doses would help, quicker, but... not so much. Still, I am taking everything, and as rightly as I can. I may need to increase insulin. I'm a bit nervous about the stuff. Going low on blood sugar is truly terrifying.
I did wake early, but for the first time in a while I needed a nap. I made it as close to 11:00 as I could, losing control just a bit before it. I had to fight for that extra hour or two of up time to get there. Odd dreams lately. Last night I dreamed of all of the strange things I remember having heard or even believed as a child. Fairy tales, urban legends of the more minor sorts, and having all of those be real in the dream. It was a bit spooky but mostly delightful. Think of tiny fairies living in flowers, frogs turning into princes, and such. Of course there were witches, but I didn't get turned into a newt or such. Just the sort of fright level a child would nominally show toward such things, there were no real adult level emotions. Ah... what a world children have, and a good thing too. I carried on, a bit, with that theme, while dreaming during my nap. Not a bad thing, and certainly sets the stage for a better mood.
.
My organ meat seems to be settling. There is still an occasional muted thud that sends minor rifts of lightning pain. But it is rare and random, and is stopped much more quickly because the events happen as singular events and with enough time between them that my brain isn't having to track three to five at once... that slows my painkilling process greatly. The shoulders are good, back to normal already. Oddly, my triceps is where the pain from my shoulders, and stiffness from the neck, settled. Yeah, I don't understand it all either. Doctors just tell me I'm crazy. I'm only crazy because they tell me I am, which I refute. As usual.
I did find my diabetes tester. Oddly, blood sugar is still high, in the 190's. The only carbs I have eaten was a regular soda when invited to pizza. When I went out with my friend I had coffee, with splenda. I haven't even been drinking a lot of dairy. Perhaps a half cup of whole whipping cream per day, for coffee, and perhaps one large glass of milk every other day. I just don't get it. Blood pressure was right around 150/100. That beats the 210/140-160 sort of average before that, but it's still a bit high. I thought the higher doses would help, quicker, but... not so much. Still, I am taking everything, and as rightly as I can. I may need to increase insulin. I'm a bit nervous about the stuff. Going low on blood sugar is truly terrifying.
I did wake early, but for the first time in a while I needed a nap. I made it as close to 11:00 as I could, losing control just a bit before it. I had to fight for that extra hour or two of up time to get there. Odd dreams lately. Last night I dreamed of all of the strange things I remember having heard or even believed as a child. Fairy tales, urban legends of the more minor sorts, and having all of those be real in the dream. It was a bit spooky but mostly delightful. Think of tiny fairies living in flowers, frogs turning into princes, and such. Of course there were witches, but I didn't get turned into a newt or such. Just the sort of fright level a child would nominally show toward such things, there were no real adult level emotions. Ah... what a world children have, and a good thing too. I carried on, a bit, with that theme, while dreaming during my nap. Not a bad thing, and certainly sets the stage for a better mood.
That might have been it.
.
.
Well, or part of it. This last time at the heart doc, they lowered the "water pill". I guess I have been too busy being null and void to have noticed, until thinking back on it, but I now believe the waterworks had tapered off. It hadn't stopped, outright. It simply wasn't keeping up. Of course, that fluid has to go somewhere, my internals paid the price. It seems, however, that everything caught up, or at least the work chit has been put in and the job has started. A couple of heavy unloads last night and another this morning will hopefully see me back to health much more quickly than I had anticipated.
Down, as it turns out, at about 23:00. I didn't set the alarm, simply I didn't remember. I was already waking at 6:00 or so when my mother called. I heard the phone and sort of roughly hurried. When you just wake up, the whole notion of hurrying and doing anything successful are both sort of funny. While I don't literally stumble around like a newborn fawn, for as slowly as my mind and body work within reality, I might as well. What happens in those seconds between thinking to do something and actually doing it I can only guess, though I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with an acrobatic routine. Probably just staring off into the space right before me. Oh, others have it worse. This morning it was only just long enough to miss the call. But this danged phone only rings once or twice then cuts it... or maybe my mom means to just leave a message. She... is always a little nervous about talking to me, much like you reading here are never quite sure... Read or not read, read or... run away screaming into the hills. Doom is on another rampage. Geronimo I understand, you all? Not so much. He needed booze, I just need the so-called news.
The body was waking anyway. And the bladder was pushing, seemingly familiarized with the new lower dose and with much to do for that, Sam walking on my bladder (yeah, the little demoness knows when and where to walk on poppo in the mornings), plus my body telling me that seven hours was enough for our purposes, and I am up. The back is still a little sore, the innards still feel like someone inserted an industrial hand mixer, and the headache from the other pain stresses (nothing like kicking a lying dog), are present and accounted for, just not so red hot as yesterday. A few more days and I might be back to the good ol' blahs. *laughs* Hey, it ain't great, grand, delightful, but it's what I've got, it could be worse, and I don't mind. I've learned some things.
I did call her back. Another package, this time unopened. Which is fine, really. I didn't mind her opening those hats, as I wanted her to have them for her use. And another package is for opening. But the one today and another will be for Christmas. She used to let us open one on Christmas eve, so that works. Then one on Christmas day. Perfect. Other than that, all is good there. Snow, a bit, as here. And the cold. But winter above some line in the proverbial sand means cold and snow, how much of either is... another question.
I best get to waking. Took my bp today, and meant to take blood sugar but couldn't find my tester. I'll root around for it until I find it. Start doing morning rituals as I learn to make myself presentable each morning on top of it. I'm a-trying. I'm a-working at things. Later.
.
Well, or part of it. This last time at the heart doc, they lowered the "water pill". I guess I have been too busy being null and void to have noticed, until thinking back on it, but I now believe the waterworks had tapered off. It hadn't stopped, outright. It simply wasn't keeping up. Of course, that fluid has to go somewhere, my internals paid the price. It seems, however, that everything caught up, or at least the work chit has been put in and the job has started. A couple of heavy unloads last night and another this morning will hopefully see me back to health much more quickly than I had anticipated.
Down, as it turns out, at about 23:00. I didn't set the alarm, simply I didn't remember. I was already waking at 6:00 or so when my mother called. I heard the phone and sort of roughly hurried. When you just wake up, the whole notion of hurrying and doing anything successful are both sort of funny. While I don't literally stumble around like a newborn fawn, for as slowly as my mind and body work within reality, I might as well. What happens in those seconds between thinking to do something and actually doing it I can only guess, though I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with an acrobatic routine. Probably just staring off into the space right before me. Oh, others have it worse. This morning it was only just long enough to miss the call. But this danged phone only rings once or twice then cuts it... or maybe my mom means to just leave a message. She... is always a little nervous about talking to me, much like you reading here are never quite sure... Read or not read, read or... run away screaming into the hills. Doom is on another rampage. Geronimo I understand, you all? Not so much. He needed booze, I just need the so-called news.
The body was waking anyway. And the bladder was pushing, seemingly familiarized with the new lower dose and with much to do for that, Sam walking on my bladder (yeah, the little demoness knows when and where to walk on poppo in the mornings), plus my body telling me that seven hours was enough for our purposes, and I am up. The back is still a little sore, the innards still feel like someone inserted an industrial hand mixer, and the headache from the other pain stresses (nothing like kicking a lying dog), are present and accounted for, just not so red hot as yesterday. A few more days and I might be back to the good ol' blahs. *laughs* Hey, it ain't great, grand, delightful, but it's what I've got, it could be worse, and I don't mind. I've learned some things.
I did call her back. Another package, this time unopened. Which is fine, really. I didn't mind her opening those hats, as I wanted her to have them for her use. And another package is for opening. But the one today and another will be for Christmas. She used to let us open one on Christmas eve, so that works. Then one on Christmas day. Perfect. Other than that, all is good there. Snow, a bit, as here. And the cold. But winter above some line in the proverbial sand means cold and snow, how much of either is... another question.
I best get to waking. Took my bp today, and meant to take blood sugar but couldn't find my tester. I'll root around for it until I find it. Start doing morning rituals as I learn to make myself presentable each morning on top of it. I'm a-trying. I'm a-working at things. Later.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Menthol.
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.
That is what the back feels like. It is sort of numb, I think from over-stimulation. It is as if you put on way too much icy hot or lineament of some sort. But more the hot than the icy. The skin is sort of fevered, and that fever is spreading. To the mind, it reminds me of when I have had an actual fever so that it makes thinking a little foggy. Medicines themselves, I don't think, are doing this. It is my heart getting the breaks put on, being slowed where it feels the need to pump harder, where the problems occur. At least I have figured some of this out, and am staying aware to do so. I might, in time, figure out what to use to counter it. All those years, when I could only know something was wrong but not be able to understand it at all. Too much pain, too little awareness. I have to guess my body went through periods where it would slow the heart down on it's own, and in so doing so cause all sorts of havoc.
I'll keep trying to keep on top of it. For now I don't have any method of doing much about it. I thought about a shower but I'm not up to that and I don't think it would help. To be warm enough as chill as the world is the heat would be too much to bear. My back isn't actually painful to the touch, it tingles when touched, and is cold to the touch. That is actually unusual but I don't know what it means. The pain is deeper than skin level, and seems mild though I can't really tell how much it hurts, mostly. Just that it hurts.
It's just 22:00 but I think I'm going to bed. A twelve hour day, since I woke at 10:00 or so. I have been staying up 18 hour days, for the most part, lately, so... I won't complain if I need to knock off early. Hmm, I will set the alarm for earlier though. Tomorrow I need to check the weather for the weekend, to possibly make plans to take my friend out shooting. I also need to cancel the club membership. Finally, I need to call the V.A. and get my appointments put into my new phone. Well, and tinker with the phone. It doesn't tell me when I have email or comments here, yet. I may have turned that off though. The phone eats battery life like a monster though. It only gets most of a day on a charge, with a few phone calls and a few minor tinkerings when I manually check email or such. It's something to do anyway.
Good night.
.
That is what the back feels like. It is sort of numb, I think from over-stimulation. It is as if you put on way too much icy hot or lineament of some sort. But more the hot than the icy. The skin is sort of fevered, and that fever is spreading. To the mind, it reminds me of when I have had an actual fever so that it makes thinking a little foggy. Medicines themselves, I don't think, are doing this. It is my heart getting the breaks put on, being slowed where it feels the need to pump harder, where the problems occur. At least I have figured some of this out, and am staying aware to do so. I might, in time, figure out what to use to counter it. All those years, when I could only know something was wrong but not be able to understand it at all. Too much pain, too little awareness. I have to guess my body went through periods where it would slow the heart down on it's own, and in so doing so cause all sorts of havoc.
I'll keep trying to keep on top of it. For now I don't have any method of doing much about it. I thought about a shower but I'm not up to that and I don't think it would help. To be warm enough as chill as the world is the heat would be too much to bear. My back isn't actually painful to the touch, it tingles when touched, and is cold to the touch. That is actually unusual but I don't know what it means. The pain is deeper than skin level, and seems mild though I can't really tell how much it hurts, mostly. Just that it hurts.
It's just 22:00 but I think I'm going to bed. A twelve hour day, since I woke at 10:00 or so. I have been staying up 18 hour days, for the most part, lately, so... I won't complain if I need to knock off early. Hmm, I will set the alarm for earlier though. Tomorrow I need to check the weather for the weekend, to possibly make plans to take my friend out shooting. I also need to cancel the club membership. Finally, I need to call the V.A. and get my appointments put into my new phone. Well, and tinker with the phone. It doesn't tell me when I have email or comments here, yet. I may have turned that off though. The phone eats battery life like a monster though. It only gets most of a day on a charge, with a few phone calls and a few minor tinkerings when I manually check email or such. It's something to do anyway.
Good night.
Tough day, and night.
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Innards feel like I've been in a boxing match and my opponent was kind enough to focus on my torso. While my hands were tied behind my back. Why? If I knew that I would avoid doing it. It's bad enough that... well... every once in a while I become a little... faint. I don't feel all the pain, as my nature covers much of it. But flushing and getting a little weak in little flashes a few to many times a minute, tells me that the pain is there, just under the surface. I won't be doing much. I'm done until this clears up. I was rolling, last night, and the pain was waking me. Never fully, but enough that it ripped the notion of a good night of sleep to shreds. I just get the sense that various of my organs are protesting. Without the native painkillers, it would be sharp, stabbing, pains, from various organs, in a slow symphony of agony.
Today is off. I'll keep things in mind, for the future. But for now... At least this isn't like the physical assault during the previous attempt at going on medication. It did happen at this level of dosing, though. It happened within days, not like the week it took this time. And even with my pain handling physique the pain was much more pronounced, raw, crippling all by itself. So, there is that. I wish the doctors had a clue. I don't go through these things without medicines. Either I am a complete outlier, they are lying, or something else is wrong that they haven't bothered to a)diagnose b)know but won't treat c) know but won't admit about the medicine. I can't trust much of what they say, depending on what observably works and ignoring the rest.
There isn't a truly comfortable position, in bed, in a chair, or standing. Pain oozes out from the oddest places. Little bolts of electrical torture spread even down to my groin, before being mitigated by... whatever does that. Luckily, usually, before the pain peaks. Yeah. While it sucks to be Doom, given the givens I would rather be me than some poor sob who has to feel it all. Hell, the skin on my shoulder blades has started to burn, I think from reflexively shrugging when I sense the pain so as to shirk it.
Some days you just got to bite the bullet. Ah well. I'll get better. Eventually. Something to consider though? There is a reason I don't have a lot of sympathy for mere hurt feelings. I really have no room for it.
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Some days you just got to bite the bullet. Ah well. I'll get better. Eventually. Something to consider though? There is a reason I don't have a lot of sympathy for mere hurt feelings. I really have no room for it.
Going private.
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Since some people cannot understand the fact that this blog is the wild roaming mind of a man who by all rights should be dead, I will be making this blog private. I'll give it a week for anyone who wishes to read to say so, and then I'll figure out how to keep it open to those who do. I'll do the heavy lifting, including contacting you if I can find out how or letting you know in comments how to contact me so that I can fill you in more privately, such as with email, what I need from you. I understand, some things shouldn't "just be said", even if they are just thoughts. That is the way it goes, and I do write what I think. This is my blog, piss off if you don't like it or can't handle it.
Wrong? Often enough, but the only way to get to right is to go through many wrongs. It's just the way life goes. Some people just shouldn't be privy to that process.
If you want to read here, let me know. As I figure out how access is granted, probably through an account, though perhaps by email, I'll try and get your particulars and put them in the machine. I weary of dealing with psychic haptic feedback of such a negative nature. Right, wrong? None of your damned business unless you can deal with it.
.
Since some people cannot understand the fact that this blog is the wild roaming mind of a man who by all rights should be dead, I will be making this blog private. I'll give it a week for anyone who wishes to read to say so, and then I'll figure out how to keep it open to those who do. I'll do the heavy lifting, including contacting you if I can find out how or letting you know in comments how to contact me so that I can fill you in more privately, such as with email, what I need from you. I understand, some things shouldn't "just be said", even if they are just thoughts. That is the way it goes, and I do write what I think. This is my blog, piss off if you don't like it or can't handle it.
Wrong? Often enough, but the only way to get to right is to go through many wrongs. It's just the way life goes. Some people just shouldn't be privy to that process.
If you want to read here, let me know. As I figure out how access is granted, probably through an account, though perhaps by email, I'll try and get your particulars and put them in the machine. I weary of dealing with psychic haptic feedback of such a negative nature. Right, wrong? None of your damned business unless you can deal with it.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Yeah, well, yes and no.
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I did get ready, and to town, but was running slow. Not late, though. I was on time, and actually on time to be early save the roads where... questionable, so I took it slower. Today, when people drove slow? I ticked back a hundred yards or three, tagged their speed, and just enjoyed the mellow. No push today, no rush, nothing is worth an accident or a ditch trip. Slow. Easy. I didn't even get upset with people riding my bumper, even when I knew they could pass me. But I was not going to go faster, or let them upset me. Nope.
I got my friend loaded, got to the salon, all without a hitch. The roads seem to be better than they looked. A fine time was had by all. After, a meal was needed. My friend was very hungry. I can always use a bite. Then we went shopping, looking really for .22 rounds. Nothing. I did pick up some 9 mm ammunition. While I am fairly set for .45, I'm very week on 9 mm. I don't have much brass, no bullets, or primers. Last I looked, those were hard to come by as well, and expensive, so I haven't mucked around with reloading. I figure, a couple times a month, buy 100 to 200 rounds, and I should be fine in six months... as long as I keep up with shooting between now, then, and afterward. A couple thousand rounds is minimum, as I see things. He bought a couple of packs of 9 mm as well.
While there, I looked at crossbows and compound bows. Thankfully the salesman, a friend of my friend, is an experienced bowman. He has shot the various sorts, and hunts. Imagine hunting elk, on foot, with a bow. Aye, the man caught my attention. While it was obvious he enjoys the hunt, I don't know that he realized how impressive that tale is to me. I might be a neophyte in game hunting, especially big game, but to me... hunting an elk, in a stock, on foot, with a bow? Yes, impressive. That is a big animal, and a dangerous one in any confrontational situation. And, just a guess here, but sticking an arrow into such an animal, to my thinking, would lead to a confrontation, if it isn't final quickly, very possibly. And twenty, or even forty, yards between shooter and shot isn't all that much space for a do-over or seeking cover.
I have decided, if I do buy a bow type in the future, it will be the compound. I have no real interest in hunting. I just want to practice with the device. While the crossbow has advantages, it also has disadvantages. What actually sold me on the compound bow was that it is, total package wise, smaller than the crossbow, feels more natural in the hands, will take some practice (more practice), and reloads are much quicker. Some of that I knew, some of it was news to me. Yeah, I know... I'm odd. But if I ever am able to get up, out, and going, in the wilds, I want to be ready. I dream of elk, deer, and even bear hunting... with a bow. Yeah, I know. Just a snot-nosed dreamer gimp. But... there it is. Oh, not soon, maybe next winter. I still have snow shoes, and poles, to buy. But, yeah, things are coming around. Well, and if the snow shoes work out this year, and I use them... Next I will need a tent, all weather, bomb-proof type, for winter camping. I know, I know, you doubt every word. As do I. But then I didn't think I was going to live past thirty, and by all rights I shouldn't have. So... there.
I best get to some things. I'm going to try to get some of the kitchen straightened back up. I have meant to do it but just couldn't pull it off. Later.
.
I did get ready, and to town, but was running slow. Not late, though. I was on time, and actually on time to be early save the roads where... questionable, so I took it slower. Today, when people drove slow? I ticked back a hundred yards or three, tagged their speed, and just enjoyed the mellow. No push today, no rush, nothing is worth an accident or a ditch trip. Slow. Easy. I didn't even get upset with people riding my bumper, even when I knew they could pass me. But I was not going to go faster, or let them upset me. Nope.
I got my friend loaded, got to the salon, all without a hitch. The roads seem to be better than they looked. A fine time was had by all. After, a meal was needed. My friend was very hungry. I can always use a bite. Then we went shopping, looking really for .22 rounds. Nothing. I did pick up some 9 mm ammunition. While I am fairly set for .45, I'm very week on 9 mm. I don't have much brass, no bullets, or primers. Last I looked, those were hard to come by as well, and expensive, so I haven't mucked around with reloading. I figure, a couple times a month, buy 100 to 200 rounds, and I should be fine in six months... as long as I keep up with shooting between now, then, and afterward. A couple thousand rounds is minimum, as I see things. He bought a couple of packs of 9 mm as well.
While there, I looked at crossbows and compound bows. Thankfully the salesman, a friend of my friend, is an experienced bowman. He has shot the various sorts, and hunts. Imagine hunting elk, on foot, with a bow. Aye, the man caught my attention. While it was obvious he enjoys the hunt, I don't know that he realized how impressive that tale is to me. I might be a neophyte in game hunting, especially big game, but to me... hunting an elk, in a stock, on foot, with a bow? Yes, impressive. That is a big animal, and a dangerous one in any confrontational situation. And, just a guess here, but sticking an arrow into such an animal, to my thinking, would lead to a confrontation, if it isn't final quickly, very possibly. And twenty, or even forty, yards between shooter and shot isn't all that much space for a do-over or seeking cover.
I have decided, if I do buy a bow type in the future, it will be the compound. I have no real interest in hunting. I just want to practice with the device. While the crossbow has advantages, it also has disadvantages. What actually sold me on the compound bow was that it is, total package wise, smaller than the crossbow, feels more natural in the hands, will take some practice (more practice), and reloads are much quicker. Some of that I knew, some of it was news to me. Yeah, I know... I'm odd. But if I ever am able to get up, out, and going, in the wilds, I want to be ready. I dream of elk, deer, and even bear hunting... with a bow. Yeah, I know. Just a snot-nosed dreamer gimp. But... there it is. Oh, not soon, maybe next winter. I still have snow shoes, and poles, to buy. But, yeah, things are coming around. Well, and if the snow shoes work out this year, and I use them... Next I will need a tent, all weather, bomb-proof type, for winter camping. I know, I know, you doubt every word. As do I. But then I didn't think I was going to live past thirty, and by all rights I shouldn't have. So... there.
I best get to some things. I'm going to try to get some of the kitchen straightened back up. I have meant to do it but just couldn't pull it off. Later.
I don't really understand things lately.
.
.
I went down at 1:30, give or take. Now, I was a little tired, so I set the alarm for 9:30. I turned it off, almost without realizing it, but woke at about 9:42 anyway. So the alarm did help. What don't I understand? Well, why I am needing so little sleep. Eight hours, and small change, last night, was the longest I have slept in... weeks now, give or take. I am sleeping more like six to seven hours a night.
I have had times where I did this, in the past. But very shorts spells, which usually lead to disaster. Eight to ten hours, and mostly regular sleep, has been my norm since starting heart medicine. That is much better than my usual before that, with days going by in bed... for weeks, even months, at a time. Normalcy was rare, and still is a bit. But this sleep cycle I am in is... darned near miraculous. I know, it's probably temporary, especially when I increase the dose on carvedilol in January, probably. But I do think it is going to become the norm. My heart IS improving. The difference becomes much more plain to see, even, or especially for me.
I still can't do much. But I have begun to add things back into very regular routine. Medicines, teeth, and grooming each morning is the new thing I hope to begin implementing. A shower at least every other morning, brushing my hair and teeth, and deciding whether the face shag needs tending. A few whiskers look manly, and I don't have a woman to complain or withhold kisses, so I'll keep it until it starts to look too rough.
Oh? You didn't realize? It's true. I haven't been taking good regular care for most of my adult life. I did, mostly, while in college, but I had someone doing the laundry and some of the other things in support. Yeah, I'm... not a good housekeeper, but it does help with the rest of life. And while she didn't think she was good at it, she was far better than I was, and it did help. I was cooking seven to ten meals a week then, too. But she did (most of) the dishes and at least half of the shopping. And... I needed help in other ways, while trying to run that program. Then again, it was engineering school. It was a rough haul though. This is different. Having a woman, now, might lead me through engineering school. The problem is, I don't think there is enough work to support such a career choice at this time. It would just be for the paper on the wall. No wife, so I wouldn't be able to figure it out. Well, and... my sleep cycle isn't actually nailed down, yet.
Hmm... Haircuts. I have to stop so my friend can go along first. And I need a shower and... no, I think I can skip the shave. I best get moving though. Have a good day.
.
I went down at 1:30, give or take. Now, I was a little tired, so I set the alarm for 9:30. I turned it off, almost without realizing it, but woke at about 9:42 anyway. So the alarm did help. What don't I understand? Well, why I am needing so little sleep. Eight hours, and small change, last night, was the longest I have slept in... weeks now, give or take. I am sleeping more like six to seven hours a night.
I have had times where I did this, in the past. But very shorts spells, which usually lead to disaster. Eight to ten hours, and mostly regular sleep, has been my norm since starting heart medicine. That is much better than my usual before that, with days going by in bed... for weeks, even months, at a time. Normalcy was rare, and still is a bit. But this sleep cycle I am in is... darned near miraculous. I know, it's probably temporary, especially when I increase the dose on carvedilol in January, probably. But I do think it is going to become the norm. My heart IS improving. The difference becomes much more plain to see, even, or especially for me.
I still can't do much. But I have begun to add things back into very regular routine. Medicines, teeth, and grooming each morning is the new thing I hope to begin implementing. A shower at least every other morning, brushing my hair and teeth, and deciding whether the face shag needs tending. A few whiskers look manly, and I don't have a woman to complain or withhold kisses, so I'll keep it until it starts to look too rough.
Oh? You didn't realize? It's true. I haven't been taking good regular care for most of my adult life. I did, mostly, while in college, but I had someone doing the laundry and some of the other things in support. Yeah, I'm... not a good housekeeper, but it does help with the rest of life. And while she didn't think she was good at it, she was far better than I was, and it did help. I was cooking seven to ten meals a week then, too. But she did (most of) the dishes and at least half of the shopping. And... I needed help in other ways, while trying to run that program. Then again, it was engineering school. It was a rough haul though. This is different. Having a woman, now, might lead me through engineering school. The problem is, I don't think there is enough work to support such a career choice at this time. It would just be for the paper on the wall. No wife, so I wouldn't be able to figure it out. Well, and... my sleep cycle isn't actually nailed down, yet.
Hmm... Haircuts. I have to stop so my friend can go along first. And I need a shower and... no, I think I can skip the shave. I best get moving though. Have a good day.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Haiku Monday - Madness
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Give a man a podium and he throws stuff at you!
Colonialist is up with the contest here! I am not sure how long he has been up. I wasn't sure of the day, but it seems to be Monday. I'll... sort things out, sooner or later. I'm thinking earlier but feeling later. Oh, right, something else but I've lost it. I've written as much as I can, and focus today or for now.
Yes, yes, I put up a few. They go with the day's, week's, month's? flow. Mostly. I best put them up before I find myself in next month and this be undone.
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Give a man a podium and he throws stuff at you!
Colonialist is up with the contest here! I am not sure how long he has been up. I wasn't sure of the day, but it seems to be Monday. I'll... sort things out, sooner or later. I'm thinking earlier but feeling later. Oh, right, something else but I've lost it. I've written as much as I can, and focus today or for now.
Yes, yes, I put up a few. They go with the day's, week's, month's? flow. Mostly. I best put them up before I find myself in next month and this be undone.
living in the sky
no body no senses non
I love you all - man
the cats and cradle
rocked me to sleep - winter
I can't remember
fall inside a thought
that time's gone - it's all you know
can never go home
Just Shoot Me?
she says I’m crazy
then she hates me and loves me
all in the same breath?
then she hates me and loves me
all in the same breath?
I Still Lose
Sas fiddles with me
Sam then musts fiddle with Sas
three cats fiddling
Sam then musts fiddle with Sas
three cats fiddling
Not Trappist
tappist monk - hide away
tapping out my day, keyboard
lost in my burrow
Good to be the king and queen!
(Hazing rituals of the human family)
mom, dad, say "Do this."
they don't, always - rules one way
teaching to own self?
(just remember)
the whispers of Doom
dread in the night, even the day
nowhere to run, hide
If you let it.
bloodlust from true war
it eats the enemy, then
it consumes the owner
One foot on the pedal...
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One in the grave. I can't die and I can't move forward. Both are in here. No longer, however, are those things at war. Nor am I, as I have, pushing the speed to death. It's just that there is an element of being a little dead and yet afire with life itself that... can work together. Rather than seeing them as opposites, even juxtaposed normally exclusive natures... in ones who can contain them think of them more as two parts of a sphere, a hemisphere each. Alone they are weak, open, smaller by half, and limited. Together? Together they are the world.
My will so wants to get to things. I have things to do. My body simply doesn't comply well. And yet it is just alive in it's own way as is my will and my thoughts, mind. The death I know merely severs the two halves, or more, makes them so that they can't work together, for the moment. I think there is a, and possibly several, reasons for that. The first is, or was, to help me change my path. I was truly headed to hell, with intent. God struck me down, then called. Another possible reason is that, with my flesh and will and mind struggling to work together across death itself, I stay strong is ways beyond my age and definitely beyond my health. Call it a spiritual work out, like none you could find in a gym, college, or even seminary. A final possible use is to preserve me for something to come. If I had full use of body, will, and mind... I would be doing things that see people to death. I test limits, in all ways. It is in my nature. Perhaps 13 potential deaths, including three real ones, is as much as even God wishes to... cover. No more. Dang kid, I'll just put a holding spell on him until he is needed, I can almost imagine God deciding... A divine time out? Could be.
Just figuring some thing. The engine seems to be warming up. I am not getting any traction, but the engine is revving, everything is being tested to make sure it works, I sense something coming. No, not the big thing, perhaps not even for me actually. But something is coming. The time to at least not stroke out or blow a heart gasket means being a bit ready, and my body is prepping, as it can. I don't know if it will happen, I only know something changed, a few weeks ago, and now something is being considered. Be on your toes, ready to, if nothing else, get out of the way. It might not even culminate. Actually, I sense something "natural" and something manmade. I wish I could nail it down but that is all I have. Shielded, those things are.
People do realize I am a cripple. In many ways. And it is true. But if you dropped me in hell you would find, to your utter amazement, that I do quite well. War, high stress situations, danger, these are my areas. It's just... I won't go there, now, unless I have to go there. But if I have to go there you best get out of my way, both in and out. Move your ass, you know how I hate heat... mostly. And if you are coming with, come armed of body, mind, will, and spirit, and be prepared. I will not babysit a snotnose. Don't think I jest. And if that makes you stop and think, don't even think about going along for a looksee. I hate toting corpses back, it's a pain in the butt.
Yeah... weirdness... I don't know what is going on. Could be wrong. Might not happen. Don't count on anything other than for the next bit... keep your head.
.
One in the grave. I can't die and I can't move forward. Both are in here. No longer, however, are those things at war. Nor am I, as I have, pushing the speed to death. It's just that there is an element of being a little dead and yet afire with life itself that... can work together. Rather than seeing them as opposites, even juxtaposed normally exclusive natures... in ones who can contain them think of them more as two parts of a sphere, a hemisphere each. Alone they are weak, open, smaller by half, and limited. Together? Together they are the world.
My will so wants to get to things. I have things to do. My body simply doesn't comply well. And yet it is just alive in it's own way as is my will and my thoughts, mind. The death I know merely severs the two halves, or more, makes them so that they can't work together, for the moment. I think there is a, and possibly several, reasons for that. The first is, or was, to help me change my path. I was truly headed to hell, with intent. God struck me down, then called. Another possible reason is that, with my flesh and will and mind struggling to work together across death itself, I stay strong is ways beyond my age and definitely beyond my health. Call it a spiritual work out, like none you could find in a gym, college, or even seminary. A final possible use is to preserve me for something to come. If I had full use of body, will, and mind... I would be doing things that see people to death. I test limits, in all ways. It is in my nature. Perhaps 13 potential deaths, including three real ones, is as much as even God wishes to... cover. No more. Dang kid, I'll just put a holding spell on him until he is needed, I can almost imagine God deciding... A divine time out? Could be.
Just figuring some thing. The engine seems to be warming up. I am not getting any traction, but the engine is revving, everything is being tested to make sure it works, I sense something coming. No, not the big thing, perhaps not even for me actually. But something is coming. The time to at least not stroke out or blow a heart gasket means being a bit ready, and my body is prepping, as it can. I don't know if it will happen, I only know something changed, a few weeks ago, and now something is being considered. Be on your toes, ready to, if nothing else, get out of the way. It might not even culminate. Actually, I sense something "natural" and something manmade. I wish I could nail it down but that is all I have. Shielded, those things are.
People do realize I am a cripple. In many ways. And it is true. But if you dropped me in hell you would find, to your utter amazement, that I do quite well. War, high stress situations, danger, these are my areas. It's just... I won't go there, now, unless I have to go there. But if I have to go there you best get out of my way, both in and out. Move your ass, you know how I hate heat... mostly. And if you are coming with, come armed of body, mind, will, and spirit, and be prepared. I will not babysit a snotnose. Don't think I jest. And if that makes you stop and think, don't even think about going along for a looksee. I hate toting corpses back, it's a pain in the butt.
Yeah... weirdness... I don't know what is going on. Could be wrong. Might not happen. Don't count on anything other than for the next bit... keep your head.
The good boy.
.
.
I have been taking my medicine like clockwork. Further, I have done a few things to make sure that goes forward. More, I have figured out my medication changes, and implemented them, on a trial basis.
Yesterday was time to reload my medicine set. I hadn't gotten to it while out shopping, wasn't sure it was going to happen either. While out, I bought two new medicine containers, technically for a week, with allowances in the form of compartments for four medicine types per day. I use that as a two week supply. I bought two of them, but these are the best I have seen. As is, the container I have leaks between compartments, is warped so that it doesn't work well, and such. These new sets, two of them, are just what the doctor ordered. Each compartment locks, and has to both be unlocked via a tab, then actually opened. Not air (or water/moisture) tight, but a bit of thinker might see to that. Probably more than I would care to do, unless I go on another water adventure though... which might happen. Yeah, I'm that kind of guy.
Anyway, when I got home... I had already half forgotten about the med-sets, so set up the old one. It nearly broke, so... yeah... timing, people. Still, the old medicine set is being used for it's last time. Hmm... might make a nice little seed planter, actually, since the top comes off like a sheet, with little square cups underneath? I just hate wasting... and want some fresh herbs... and like to ponder potentials. And, while at it, I took my medicine, and before bed took the last doses. However, in bed, I realized I hadn't taken insulin. I didn't want to get up, I didn't care to take it, I was just about to doze into dreams. Nor had I brushed my teeth. Bah! I couldn't just let it slide. Health is returning enough that, even when very tired I both remember and am able to push that little bit past myself... So... I got up, brushed my teeth, took my shot, then slept like a babe.
Sunday, is it? I need to get to work on the kitchen. I want that back to spiffy by Monday night. It's not bad. Just needs a little more work. I'll... get to it. I already collected and took the trash and recycling out. The dishes are ready for a final cleaning and rinse. I'll have to pull out the vacuum and put up some bags, grocery bags collect on the table. My bad. Such simple physical labors are sometimes beyond me, and yet I can still push and pull 300# barrels around? Never mind. I didn't say I always understood.
Well... on to other things, mostly waking up. Good day.
In any case, when I returned, I
.
I have been taking my medicine like clockwork. Further, I have done a few things to make sure that goes forward. More, I have figured out my medication changes, and implemented them, on a trial basis.
Yesterday was time to reload my medicine set. I hadn't gotten to it while out shopping, wasn't sure it was going to happen either. While out, I bought two new medicine containers, technically for a week, with allowances in the form of compartments for four medicine types per day. I use that as a two week supply. I bought two of them, but these are the best I have seen. As is, the container I have leaks between compartments, is warped so that it doesn't work well, and such. These new sets, two of them, are just what the doctor ordered. Each compartment locks, and has to both be unlocked via a tab, then actually opened. Not air (or water/moisture) tight, but a bit of thinker might see to that. Probably more than I would care to do, unless I go on another water adventure though... which might happen. Yeah, I'm that kind of guy.
Anyway, when I got home... I had already half forgotten about the med-sets, so set up the old one. It nearly broke, so... yeah... timing, people. Still, the old medicine set is being used for it's last time. Hmm... might make a nice little seed planter, actually, since the top comes off like a sheet, with little square cups underneath? I just hate wasting... and want some fresh herbs... and like to ponder potentials. And, while at it, I took my medicine, and before bed took the last doses. However, in bed, I realized I hadn't taken insulin. I didn't want to get up, I didn't care to take it, I was just about to doze into dreams. Nor had I brushed my teeth. Bah! I couldn't just let it slide. Health is returning enough that, even when very tired I both remember and am able to push that little bit past myself... So... I got up, brushed my teeth, took my shot, then slept like a babe.
Sunday, is it? I need to get to work on the kitchen. I want that back to spiffy by Monday night. It's not bad. Just needs a little more work. I'll... get to it. I already collected and took the trash and recycling out. The dishes are ready for a final cleaning and rinse. I'll have to pull out the vacuum and put up some bags, grocery bags collect on the table. My bad. Such simple physical labors are sometimes beyond me, and yet I can still push and pull 300# barrels around? Never mind. I didn't say I always understood.
Well... on to other things, mostly waking up. Good day.
In any case, when I returned, I
Fine.
.
.
I see potential, real or imagined, and I let my mind run. Many people speak but don't mean, or get caught up in an idea without any intentions. Fair enough. Still, I do look for opportunities. What I can do is possibly amazing, but within a very small window. Trying to translate that into money is so difficult. That is why I receive disability. Commercially, it simply isn't enough of the right stuff, at the right times, and in a format that is preferred. It is too much of a hassle for businesses, clients of the more stated natures, and such, to want to bother mining. But the potential is relatively significant. However, have you ever stopped and taken stock of what your real skills are?
Imagine if what you do for a living was no longer available to you. Just start with that as a given. Now, what skills do you have on the side that are marketable, and how would you go about turning avocations into a cash cow? Just think on that, and understand, not only was my vocation lost, my capacity to use my body like the mule, for travel, for heavy lifting, or even for regular days, is done. Instead of a beast I am more like a computer. Not a robot, my legs and arms aren't always available to me. But my mind is quite available, if not on a regular schedule. Still, I can, and do, research, study, listen, seek, and figure, even in my down days.
Oh, by the way, we were going to order two 15" pizzas, but the decision was made to make it a 36" pizza. He had his three children along. While we were waiting for the pizza, he had his son figure out the square inches of the various options, to see how the finances worked. As it turns out, the 15" pizza was almost 1/6 the size of the 36" pizza, which was about 2.25 times the expense of two 15" pies, give or take. I don't it was interesting. I had roughly guessed the bigger pie would be 3 times as much, I low-ball regularly, intrinsically. It saves on disappointment. Fine pizza.
Sure, I am still figuring out my smartphone. But then, if you have one, you probably already realize there are two possibilities with these. Either you have set, limited, usage for them, and you set those up through other people, or a bit of study, or by tinkering. Then you stop and just use those things. The other option is that you begin to learn to use the device, then you keep learning, never truly mastering all of it's potential by the time you buy a new one and begin learning all over again. Those are your two choices. Then they change things, with updates... or new apps come out... or... whatever. You are never ahead of that loop. At this point I am merely looking to figure out what I want to use with the phone, then how to use it. It'll take a bit.
Well, I ought to get on to bed. Sleep well.
.
I see potential, real or imagined, and I let my mind run. Many people speak but don't mean, or get caught up in an idea without any intentions. Fair enough. Still, I do look for opportunities. What I can do is possibly amazing, but within a very small window. Trying to translate that into money is so difficult. That is why I receive disability. Commercially, it simply isn't enough of the right stuff, at the right times, and in a format that is preferred. It is too much of a hassle for businesses, clients of the more stated natures, and such, to want to bother mining. But the potential is relatively significant. However, have you ever stopped and taken stock of what your real skills are?
Imagine if what you do for a living was no longer available to you. Just start with that as a given. Now, what skills do you have on the side that are marketable, and how would you go about turning avocations into a cash cow? Just think on that, and understand, not only was my vocation lost, my capacity to use my body like the mule, for travel, for heavy lifting, or even for regular days, is done. Instead of a beast I am more like a computer. Not a robot, my legs and arms aren't always available to me. But my mind is quite available, if not on a regular schedule. Still, I can, and do, research, study, listen, seek, and figure, even in my down days.
Oh, by the way, we were going to order two 15" pizzas, but the decision was made to make it a 36" pizza. He had his three children along. While we were waiting for the pizza, he had his son figure out the square inches of the various options, to see how the finances worked. As it turns out, the 15" pizza was almost 1/6 the size of the 36" pizza, which was about 2.25 times the expense of two 15" pies, give or take. I don't it was interesting. I had roughly guessed the bigger pie would be 3 times as much, I low-ball regularly, intrinsically. It saves on disappointment. Fine pizza.
Sure, I am still figuring out my smartphone. But then, if you have one, you probably already realize there are two possibilities with these. Either you have set, limited, usage for them, and you set those up through other people, or a bit of study, or by tinkering. Then you stop and just use those things. The other option is that you begin to learn to use the device, then you keep learning, never truly mastering all of it's potential by the time you buy a new one and begin learning all over again. Those are your two choices. Then they change things, with updates... or new apps come out... or... whatever. You are never ahead of that loop. At this point I am merely looking to figure out what I want to use with the phone, then how to use it. It'll take a bit.
Well, I ought to get on to bed. Sleep well.
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