One foot on the pedal...

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One in the grave.  I can't die and I can't move forward.  Both are in here.  No longer, however, are those things at war.  Nor am I, as I have, pushing the speed to death.  It's just that there is an element of being a little dead and yet afire with life itself that... can work together.  Rather than seeing them as opposites, even juxtaposed normally exclusive natures... in ones who can contain them think of them more as two parts of a sphere, a hemisphere each.  Alone they are weak, open, smaller by half, and limited.  Together?  Together they are the world.

My will so wants to get to things.  I have things to do.  My body simply doesn't comply well.  And yet it is just alive in it's own way as is my will and my thoughts, mind.  The death I know merely severs the two halves, or more, makes them so that they can't work together, for the moment.  I think there is a, and possibly several, reasons for that.  The first is, or was, to help me change my path.  I was truly headed to hell, with intent.  God struck me down, then called.  Another possible reason is that, with my flesh and will and mind struggling to work together across death itself, I stay strong is ways beyond my age and definitely beyond my health.  Call it a spiritual work out, like none you could find in a gym, college, or even seminary.  A final possible use is to preserve me for something to come.  If I had full use of body, will, and mind... I would be doing things that see people to death.  I test limits, in all ways.  It is in my nature.  Perhaps 13 potential deaths, including three real ones, is as much as even God wishes to... cover.  No more.  Dang kid, I'll just put a holding spell on him until he is needed, I can almost imagine God deciding...  A divine time out?  Could be.

Just figuring some thing.  The engine seems to be warming up.  I am not getting any traction, but the engine is revving, everything is being tested to make sure it works, I sense something coming.  No, not the big thing, perhaps not even for me actually.  But something is coming.  The time to at least not stroke out or blow a heart gasket means being a bit ready, and my body is prepping, as it can.  I don't know if it will happen, I only know something changed, a few weeks ago, and now something is being considered.  Be on your toes, ready to, if nothing else, get out of the way.  It might not even culminate.  Actually, I sense something "natural" and something manmade.  I wish I could nail it down but that is all I have.  Shielded, those things are.

People do realize I am a cripple.  In many ways.  And it is true.  But if you dropped me in hell you would find, to your utter amazement, that I do quite well.  War, high stress situations, danger, these are my areas.  It's just... I won't go there, now, unless I have to go there.  But if I have to go there you best get out of my way, both in and out.  Move your ass, you know how I hate heat... mostly.  And if you are coming with, come armed of body, mind, will, and spirit, and be prepared.  I will not babysit a snotnose.  Don't think I jest.  And if that makes you stop and think, don't even think about going along for a looksee.  I hate toting corpses back, it's a pain in the butt.

Yeah... weirdness...  I don't know what is going on.  Could be wrong.  Might not happen.  Don't count on anything other than for the next bit... keep your head.