.
.
It does happen, and sometimes it is an actual malfunction. I had hoped to see results but I had not quite expected one quite this quickly. It is my underwear. Though I can tighten my belt, tuck my shirts a bit further in, and do these things without noticing or thinking about them, having my shorts fall off under my pants had lead me to the conclusion that I am really losing some size. I will have to buy new, and quickly, before I have something really embarrassing happen. What that could be I do not even want to think about. I hate shopping for these items in particular, however. Each company has a different size, and what I like is an odd fit anyway. I may have to buy some inexpensive temporary skivvies until I can sort this out.
The dread queen left, shortly after waking up. It seems she slept quite well. She was almost chipper when I too arose from my “nap” and came out to see. We had thought about having dinner together. She decided to go to her house to finish waking up. I think she does that in a coffee and placement ritual type of thing. I understand that. At first I thought her battery had not charged. She doubts me, continuously, so this bothered me. I checked the machine itself, it did not look to have charged. I came back in to get the keys and her doubts and anger surfaced. It was fantastic to find, when I tried the ignition, that not only did the truck start but that the battery showed as fully charged. Upon diagnosing the situation, I realized that the charger is also a jump-starter and has a battery itself. The indicator lights that show on the device only indicate whether the internal battery is charged. It was good to dash her hopes of my failure.
Swimming and working out again tomorrow. Plus, I will be trying out the ab-machine for the first time. I am actually sore today. Working out itself usually manages the aches though and oddly. I think I just did too much too quickly Monday. I think I will be able to do most of my other tasks, if I can stay awake and stay on track. Though it is late, I did nap. And I have a strong incentive to get up for the 6:00 swim, Monday was very tough. Until I get things arranged and become much more solid it behooves me to follow the regimen closely. I am looking forward to it though.
Goodnight, sleep well, and I hope you do well in your efforts.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tired, but working.
.
.
Though quite tired today, I was able to get some of that which I needed to do completed. I ended up doing more work than planned, of a physical nature, but it was light and spread out over a number of tasks. I was able to get my friend’s vehicle going and I have the battery charging now. She is doing laundry and napping. She despises my central air, but even she has limits. At 97 F with high humidity, and her being tired from lack of sleep in this heat already this week, she needed sleep, so while doing laundry, she is resting in my cave. The couch mind you, she is a friend. I plan to take a nap myself, in my big comfy bed! She sleeps on a mat in her place, disliking even regular beds! Oh well, liberals, of the naturalist order, serve their purposes, I guess.
I was able to do a number of things on my lists, though not so many as I had hoped. I do not think the QoD is the problem. Actually, that she needed assistance was a boon in this regard. And more, she took a look around the place and understood that I am in a fix. Though she will not, exactly, clean, she did help remove some boxes, take out some trash, and a few other things. Actually, she did quite a lot. And, I helped as I was able. I know, it seems I could just do these things but… I cannot. Is it maleness or something else I wonder? I am, to some degrees, feral… I am also disassociative to the point of not understanding the physicality of the world around me to some extent, an extent that depends on many factors at any given time.
I am more pleased with how things are going this week, to this point. But there is so much more to do. I remain very tired, yet I will push through this as much as I am able. My medicine really seems to have started to fail a bit. It is not waking me in the mornings, as it had. Perhaps it adds something somewhere and allows me to do more but it is much more passive now. Though I thought this was a bad thing, I think it is just a new thing. It may very well mean I am healing, even if it is not always the most enjoyable of processes.
I will not try out my ab-machine until tomorrow, but I am excited. I know that it cannot, by itself, get rid of my stomach. It can help me burn calories and create muscle mass and in the right area. Along with diet, the other muscle mass I am developing and working, and time, I might get this stomach gone. I really am working out mostly for strength and appearances. This is not being done to find a wife, it might even be a little negative that way. It is purely for my own purposes. It is time.
As I help my friends, much more lately, I am finding great joy in doing this as well. Several friends have needed key help, some have needed drives and battery assistance, some will be needing me to help them move, and I am finding other ways to be helpful. And, if you were a neighbor, or even nearby, I would gladly help you if I had that chance. So many of you do and have and will help me, that it is good to be able to share it around. As well, the Christian principle is no small incentive. I try, though, not to do things “just because”. I really try to do the right things as a means of enjoying life, sharing work, and pleasing my God but not onerously… simply, humbly, fumblingly at times, but personally and willfully. I want anything I do to be done with those intentions internalized and having become a part of me. I am not sure how to say this, precisely. I guess I do not want this to be law, I want it to be a personal care. I want to please God, not mindlessly obey some absolute or other.
.
Though quite tired today, I was able to get some of that which I needed to do completed. I ended up doing more work than planned, of a physical nature, but it was light and spread out over a number of tasks. I was able to get my friend’s vehicle going and I have the battery charging now. She is doing laundry and napping. She despises my central air, but even she has limits. At 97 F with high humidity, and her being tired from lack of sleep in this heat already this week, she needed sleep, so while doing laundry, she is resting in my cave. The couch mind you, she is a friend. I plan to take a nap myself, in my big comfy bed! She sleeps on a mat in her place, disliking even regular beds! Oh well, liberals, of the naturalist order, serve their purposes, I guess.
I was able to do a number of things on my lists, though not so many as I had hoped. I do not think the QoD is the problem. Actually, that she needed assistance was a boon in this regard. And more, she took a look around the place and understood that I am in a fix. Though she will not, exactly, clean, she did help remove some boxes, take out some trash, and a few other things. Actually, she did quite a lot. And, I helped as I was able. I know, it seems I could just do these things but… I cannot. Is it maleness or something else I wonder? I am, to some degrees, feral… I am also disassociative to the point of not understanding the physicality of the world around me to some extent, an extent that depends on many factors at any given time.
I am more pleased with how things are going this week, to this point. But there is so much more to do. I remain very tired, yet I will push through this as much as I am able. My medicine really seems to have started to fail a bit. It is not waking me in the mornings, as it had. Perhaps it adds something somewhere and allows me to do more but it is much more passive now. Though I thought this was a bad thing, I think it is just a new thing. It may very well mean I am healing, even if it is not always the most enjoyable of processes.
I will not try out my ab-machine until tomorrow, but I am excited. I know that it cannot, by itself, get rid of my stomach. It can help me burn calories and create muscle mass and in the right area. Along with diet, the other muscle mass I am developing and working, and time, I might get this stomach gone. I really am working out mostly for strength and appearances. This is not being done to find a wife, it might even be a little negative that way. It is purely for my own purposes. It is time.
As I help my friends, much more lately, I am finding great joy in doing this as well. Several friends have needed key help, some have needed drives and battery assistance, some will be needing me to help them move, and I am finding other ways to be helpful. And, if you were a neighbor, or even nearby, I would gladly help you if I had that chance. So many of you do and have and will help me, that it is good to be able to share it around. As well, the Christian principle is no small incentive. I try, though, not to do things “just because”. I really try to do the right things as a means of enjoying life, sharing work, and pleasing my God but not onerously… simply, humbly, fumblingly at times, but personally and willfully. I want anything I do to be done with those intentions internalized and having become a part of me. I am not sure how to say this, precisely. I guess I do not want this to be law, I want it to be a personal care. I want to please God, not mindlessly obey some absolute or other.
Working out.
.
.
Lifting weights then swimming an hour later was tight. To say it beat me up a little is the nice way to put it. But I was not done. I had to pick up the ab-machine. I got that monster home and put in the house and was just about to put it together when my lady friend called. Can you drive me to work? My truck batter either died or is down. Yeah, sure, I will be right over and I was. Though late, she usually is anyway. I have also promised to pick her up and see what we can do about her truck in the morning. I need to be up at 6:00 in order to shower and get the sludge out and then drive there. I will also keep the phone by my bed in case I do not wake up and she needs to call.
Back home, I decide to put the machine together. What a real monster it is. It is made for commercial gyms, but it will do. I know it can handle 300 pounds and vigorous use. I worked with the display and watched another big boy (but in the good way) run the machine through the numbers. I had told QoD that I would have the thing together, I think she was curious. I told her about it on the drive to work. I do not mind if she ends up using it, she is getting fat. :p That is what she thinks, silly woman. I would have used the machine right tonight, but after two official workouts and then the workout of putting it together (yes, it busted my mackerels, it was another hour workout in itself) I was simply too tired. I probably will not even use it tomorrow. I think I really need to take tomorrow off, not even a walk.
Lots of ‘administrative’ work needs doing, a few personal and social calls need to be made, the house needs to be spifified, and there is the lady friend thing. I have a load or two of laundry and clothes to get to the dry cleaners as well.
I must say, I am feeling better. I still have doubts and fears about this week but I think the prayers are helping. It is so strange, but during my afternoon swim, life just lifted a bit. What I had thought was going to be a dog day at the pool ended up being at least an average day and perhaps much better considering I was exhausted when I got there and almost cramped my first few laps. I was able to use the kickboard much better after that lifting. Yes, I do believe in prayers. I suppose that, other than to bless my meals, tell God goodnight, and ask that I be given or shown the way, have the strength and wisdom, and be grateful to do his will, the only other thing I ask for personally is a wife, and family as time goes by. All other prayer requests are for others, for the Church, for my nation, and that all nations may find a way to wisdom in governance.
I am all tuckered out. I should go on to bed, and will. Oh, I found that my alarm clock, the one I depended on to wake me up, was off. For some reason it was set for the wrong time, am/pm wise. I have reset that, and I will see if that helps. I cannot understand how that happened, unless I was trying to reset it for some reason while half asleep and hit every other button incorrectly. It could happen. Good night.
.
Lifting weights then swimming an hour later was tight. To say it beat me up a little is the nice way to put it. But I was not done. I had to pick up the ab-machine. I got that monster home and put in the house and was just about to put it together when my lady friend called. Can you drive me to work? My truck batter either died or is down. Yeah, sure, I will be right over and I was. Though late, she usually is anyway. I have also promised to pick her up and see what we can do about her truck in the morning. I need to be up at 6:00 in order to shower and get the sludge out and then drive there. I will also keep the phone by my bed in case I do not wake up and she needs to call.
Back home, I decide to put the machine together. What a real monster it is. It is made for commercial gyms, but it will do. I know it can handle 300 pounds and vigorous use. I worked with the display and watched another big boy (but in the good way) run the machine through the numbers. I had told QoD that I would have the thing together, I think she was curious. I told her about it on the drive to work. I do not mind if she ends up using it, she is getting fat. :p That is what she thinks, silly woman. I would have used the machine right tonight, but after two official workouts and then the workout of putting it together (yes, it busted my mackerels, it was another hour workout in itself) I was simply too tired. I probably will not even use it tomorrow. I think I really need to take tomorrow off, not even a walk.
Lots of ‘administrative’ work needs doing, a few personal and social calls need to be made, the house needs to be spifified, and there is the lady friend thing. I have a load or two of laundry and clothes to get to the dry cleaners as well.
I must say, I am feeling better. I still have doubts and fears about this week but I think the prayers are helping. It is so strange, but during my afternoon swim, life just lifted a bit. What I had thought was going to be a dog day at the pool ended up being at least an average day and perhaps much better considering I was exhausted when I got there and almost cramped my first few laps. I was able to use the kickboard much better after that lifting. Yes, I do believe in prayers. I suppose that, other than to bless my meals, tell God goodnight, and ask that I be given or shown the way, have the strength and wisdom, and be grateful to do his will, the only other thing I ask for personally is a wife, and family as time goes by. All other prayer requests are for others, for the Church, for my nation, and that all nations may find a way to wisdom in governance.
I am all tuckered out. I should go on to bed, and will. Oh, I found that my alarm clock, the one I depended on to wake me up, was off. For some reason it was set for the wrong time, am/pm wise. I have reset that, and I will see if that helps. I cannot understand how that happened, unless I was trying to reset it for some reason while half asleep and hit every other button incorrectly. It could happen. Good night.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Why so upset, you might ask.
.
.
I missed swimming this morning. I also did not work out last Friday evening. I could not wake up this morning, yesterday morning, or Saturday morning. I have been hard pressed to simply work out and I have been getting backlogged on everything but doctor appointments and college admittance work. My off days have been being filled with things, but nothing on my lists, often not of my choosing but it is how life goes sometimes. I am still chugging along as I can.
I worked out a lot earlier than what I usually do today in the hopes that there would be lap swimming this evening, somewhere. And there is, in about an hour. I will be able to make that up a bit, I only hope the pool is not too crowded. There is only a one hour window for evening lap swimming, so I will have to be there well early enough to get changed and try to get a lane. I can do nothing to make up the lost Friday workout, however, except to keep going.
I have done some of the backlog today, but I still have piles of work left. My house is a mess, I am exhausted, and life keeps piling up. It will do that, and for the foreseeable future, it will only get heavier, hit harder, and arrive faster. I must assume that people just get used to being suffocated by life, of suppressing their wants and even some of their needs, and just doing what they can, triaging life’s demands. Do what has to be done, then what needs to be done, then what should be done, then what could be done, then what it takes to do the job(s) absolutely as correctly as possible in the time, then take a breath? Is that life? I actually think it is much of the time.
Well, I need to get a shower, get dressed for swimming, get to the pool and swim, pick up my exercise machine, pick up some water, then put the machine together for tomorrow or Wednesday. And, sometime I am going to have to get some clothes into the dry cleaner, pick up some things for a friend, do about a dozen business and money related actions, and… Whatever comes next.
Oh, my neighbors are home! I am quite excited to see they made it back finally. They are the only neighbors I know and I like them very much. They just got home though, so they will need to rest up, eat, sort, and go through the whole thing. I know that, but as a single man. They have a small army to deal with. It is very good to see them. I might have to recruit the mister for walking or swimming. I know he is, or was, interested, but only in the mornings. Perhaps a 3 day a week walk, on my off days, or a mix of occasional walk, occasional swim, but in the early mornings. If I can get up! It is so strange what a single event can do to raise one’s spirits.
*poof*
.
I missed swimming this morning. I also did not work out last Friday evening. I could not wake up this morning, yesterday morning, or Saturday morning. I have been hard pressed to simply work out and I have been getting backlogged on everything but doctor appointments and college admittance work. My off days have been being filled with things, but nothing on my lists, often not of my choosing but it is how life goes sometimes. I am still chugging along as I can.
I worked out a lot earlier than what I usually do today in the hopes that there would be lap swimming this evening, somewhere. And there is, in about an hour. I will be able to make that up a bit, I only hope the pool is not too crowded. There is only a one hour window for evening lap swimming, so I will have to be there well early enough to get changed and try to get a lane. I can do nothing to make up the lost Friday workout, however, except to keep going.
I have done some of the backlog today, but I still have piles of work left. My house is a mess, I am exhausted, and life keeps piling up. It will do that, and for the foreseeable future, it will only get heavier, hit harder, and arrive faster. I must assume that people just get used to being suffocated by life, of suppressing their wants and even some of their needs, and just doing what they can, triaging life’s demands. Do what has to be done, then what needs to be done, then what should be done, then what could be done, then what it takes to do the job(s) absolutely as correctly as possible in the time, then take a breath? Is that life? I actually think it is much of the time.
Well, I need to get a shower, get dressed for swimming, get to the pool and swim, pick up my exercise machine, pick up some water, then put the machine together for tomorrow or Wednesday. And, sometime I am going to have to get some clothes into the dry cleaner, pick up some things for a friend, do about a dozen business and money related actions, and… Whatever comes next.
Oh, my neighbors are home! I am quite excited to see they made it back finally. They are the only neighbors I know and I like them very much. They just got home though, so they will need to rest up, eat, sort, and go through the whole thing. I know that, but as a single man. They have a small army to deal with. It is very good to see them. I might have to recruit the mister for walking or swimming. I know he is, or was, interested, but only in the mornings. Perhaps a 3 day a week walk, on my off days, or a mix of occasional walk, occasional swim, but in the early mornings. If I can get up! It is so strange what a single event can do to raise one’s spirits.
*poof*
Pushing Too Hard
.
.
I have been doing too much simply by working out. I will continue as I can, but I am not sure how this will work. I have a trick up my sleeve, but it is temporary at best and may not work. My medicine has helped me to become more active. As I have increased my activity to take up the slack, I have pulled more than what was created as slack and I am well into an area of growth that is highly resistant. I have pulled far more than my medicine will allow and my body seemingly can manage. This is where I want to be, but it is also where I am on my own. This is the make or break point. I am back in the rapids.
I am worried, and some things have shaken my confidence. I am now, after the doctor “surgically removed resistance to some degree”, having to both recover and push. Sleep is becoming demanding, and I am not sure how to escape that demand. This is not whining, it is an understanding that I am still very disabled, that I am still quite weak, and that I may have real and hard limits. Can I get past that? The Lord knows I am afraid.
I have a busy week. I have many things I have to get done and I do not want to cut my exercises. Here lies the biggest obstacle I have faced. I will see this week if I can push into classes and maintain my routines. I have about a month to get things going if this week proves poorly. I also have a doctors appointment between now and school, which has some potential to be helpful. But, this is a new doctor and a month is tight. Sticking to my guns is what I will do, even if, no when, I mess up. If you want to do something, pray for me. This is my chance, my last chance, to try and make it out of disability and into a functional healthy professional life. This is what it has all come down to. This is the time. I either walk away with the goods or I find a lesser life of “leisure” with my brokenness as a permanent form of existence. This is not my final trial by far, but have no doubts, this is one of the biggest ones.
.
I have been doing too much simply by working out. I will continue as I can, but I am not sure how this will work. I have a trick up my sleeve, but it is temporary at best and may not work. My medicine has helped me to become more active. As I have increased my activity to take up the slack, I have pulled more than what was created as slack and I am well into an area of growth that is highly resistant. I have pulled far more than my medicine will allow and my body seemingly can manage. This is where I want to be, but it is also where I am on my own. This is the make or break point. I am back in the rapids.
I am worried, and some things have shaken my confidence. I am now, after the doctor “surgically removed resistance to some degree”, having to both recover and push. Sleep is becoming demanding, and I am not sure how to escape that demand. This is not whining, it is an understanding that I am still very disabled, that I am still quite weak, and that I may have real and hard limits. Can I get past that? The Lord knows I am afraid.
I have a busy week. I have many things I have to get done and I do not want to cut my exercises. Here lies the biggest obstacle I have faced. I will see this week if I can push into classes and maintain my routines. I have about a month to get things going if this week proves poorly. I also have a doctors appointment between now and school, which has some potential to be helpful. But, this is a new doctor and a month is tight. Sticking to my guns is what I will do, even if, no when, I mess up. If you want to do something, pray for me. This is my chance, my last chance, to try and make it out of disability and into a functional healthy professional life. This is what it has all come down to. This is the time. I either walk away with the goods or I find a lesser life of “leisure” with my brokenness as a permanent form of existence. This is not my final trial by far, but have no doubts, this is one of the biggest ones.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Latin Mass
.
.
Today was a practice for the Latin Mass, which will begin next Sunday. I was running late today. I just could not wake up! I even woke early, took my medicines as that usually will bring me up to consciousness, and set the thermostat to 72 so that the cool of the house would not encourage lethargy. Last night was rather chill, however, and the system is set to use (or not) central air. I am not sure how warm the house was this morning, so that might have been part of it. My alarm rang, the first one, at about 6:30. At which time I took my medicine and turned that one off, it had served the purpose for which it was intended. The next alarm clock went off at 9:00. I had actually hoped to be up far earlier than 9:00, that was just a back-up. I hit the snooze many times, not able to function until 10:30 or so. That is a lot of beeping, let me assure you. But, I did make it, if barely, on time.
The priest was not there as something had come up. The other priest who will be involved with this service was recovering from a minor surgery. We did what we could. I was asked to be an alter boy stand-in. I had no clue what I was doing, especially in this new form of mass. However, I did what I could, listened, and tried to learn. How cool is that? For me, it was really cool. I had never had the opportunity to serve in that capacity as my brother did. I am not sure how to usher yet, still. I suppose I will follow the other ushers and learn on the job. I am not worried if a little nervous. I was fascinated by the events and I am looking forward to live fire exercises next week.
Beyond that, I made some connections. I met a few other Catholics, but Catholics who are more along my lines of belief. I must admit my hope for the Church is stronger this day. In our discussions, resources and specific and more conservative Catholic materials were recommended toward my goal of a proper Christian education and I gained strength by realizing I was with people who do care about the Church, propriety, history, sanctity, and a few other choice topics and things which are dear to my heart. As well, one of the people, a woman, mother of 6 with another on the way, and a woman who I believe is on the very right path, started asking searching and direct questions. Married? No, but looking to be so. Age. I told her. :p Want children? Many, but with a women I am sure about. She is thinking. Gack! Just because I pray for it and really want this, does not mean I… *sigh* I did ask for it. Then she said the funniest thing. She indicated that, sadly, many of the right women available are young. She wondered if a much younger wife, say, a 23 year old wife, would be too young. Of course, that saddened me greatly while I tripped over my tongue to say, well… if you insist, or something just as foolish. I hope she took that as a yes. *whistling past the graveyard of bachelorhood* or *deer in the headlights… blink… blink…*
In any case, I am pretty sure I have found a more apt community to enjoin. I think I am getting closer. Even if I never meet a 23 year old wife, I know I am going in the right direction. *laughs* I am refreshed and ready. Oh, I was able to find proper clothing, but I was a bit overdressed for the event, I think because it was a practice(?). I do believe I will wear these types of clothes to the Latin Masses themselves, however. I have this week to get the rest of my finery dry cleaned, washed, pressed, or whatever and be ready for Church next Sunday! And yes, dressing for Mass is important, if I can be childish about thing at times. Though I will continue to go Saturday in more relaxed attire, as is the mode there and then.
.
Today was a practice for the Latin Mass, which will begin next Sunday. I was running late today. I just could not wake up! I even woke early, took my medicines as that usually will bring me up to consciousness, and set the thermostat to 72 so that the cool of the house would not encourage lethargy. Last night was rather chill, however, and the system is set to use (or not) central air. I am not sure how warm the house was this morning, so that might have been part of it. My alarm rang, the first one, at about 6:30. At which time I took my medicine and turned that one off, it had served the purpose for which it was intended. The next alarm clock went off at 9:00. I had actually hoped to be up far earlier than 9:00, that was just a back-up. I hit the snooze many times, not able to function until 10:30 or so. That is a lot of beeping, let me assure you. But, I did make it, if barely, on time.
The priest was not there as something had come up. The other priest who will be involved with this service was recovering from a minor surgery. We did what we could. I was asked to be an alter boy stand-in. I had no clue what I was doing, especially in this new form of mass. However, I did what I could, listened, and tried to learn. How cool is that? For me, it was really cool. I had never had the opportunity to serve in that capacity as my brother did. I am not sure how to usher yet, still. I suppose I will follow the other ushers and learn on the job. I am not worried if a little nervous. I was fascinated by the events and I am looking forward to live fire exercises next week.
Beyond that, I made some connections. I met a few other Catholics, but Catholics who are more along my lines of belief. I must admit my hope for the Church is stronger this day. In our discussions, resources and specific and more conservative Catholic materials were recommended toward my goal of a proper Christian education and I gained strength by realizing I was with people who do care about the Church, propriety, history, sanctity, and a few other choice topics and things which are dear to my heart. As well, one of the people, a woman, mother of 6 with another on the way, and a woman who I believe is on the very right path, started asking searching and direct questions. Married? No, but looking to be so. Age. I told her. :p Want children? Many, but with a women I am sure about. She is thinking. Gack! Just because I pray for it and really want this, does not mean I… *sigh* I did ask for it. Then she said the funniest thing. She indicated that, sadly, many of the right women available are young. She wondered if a much younger wife, say, a 23 year old wife, would be too young. Of course, that saddened me greatly while I tripped over my tongue to say, well… if you insist, or something just as foolish. I hope she took that as a yes. *whistling past the graveyard of bachelorhood* or *deer in the headlights… blink… blink…*
In any case, I am pretty sure I have found a more apt community to enjoin. I think I am getting closer. Even if I never meet a 23 year old wife, I know I am going in the right direction. *laughs* I am refreshed and ready. Oh, I was able to find proper clothing, but I was a bit overdressed for the event, I think because it was a practice(?). I do believe I will wear these types of clothes to the Latin Masses themselves, however. I have this week to get the rest of my finery dry cleaned, washed, pressed, or whatever and be ready for Church next Sunday! And yes, dressing for Mass is important, if I can be childish about thing at times. Though I will continue to go Saturday in more relaxed attire, as is the mode there and then.
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