Do I want to know? Day 18

I woke nicely. After a great, uninterrupted, restful sleep, I did struggle to become awake, a bit. In a reasonable amount of time, however, the feet hit the floor and I started looking around the place. My appointment is a bit off, and I am a bit nervous. What did my doctor and counselor decide? Was a decision derived, or did they agree to have ongoing conversations with me, so that this thing will turn into a nightmare of ongoing proportions. I will know in just a bit.

I was reading the news today, and noticed John McCain’s mother had indicated that John had no support with the base. I just roared. I knew if I was running for president, I would have been so unhappy with my mother for saying that (true as it is). She has said other things which just do not fit in politics this election cycle. She is a loose cannon. Oh, right, I guess that is his way, now we know where at least some of that comes. Now, she is 95 years old, or so, managing her might be a wee complicated, especially adding that she seems to have her wits about her. He really has nowhere to go for redress, and I hope even if it makes him angry that he enjoys the fact that moms are just moms and will be our moms until probably after their funeral service.

I cannot remember all I must do today. The doctors and study for a test Tuesday, without question. What else, I do not know. Oh, right, I really have to quit commenting. I am surprised I have not been banned. I keep looking at the two to three word, at most sentence, comments of others and then see mine. People could not like that.

Update:

After doing all the work and pushing past my nature to get something done, in a rush, requiring this that and the other thing, it appears... it was all for naught. The paperwork I had rushed to get completed and to my doctor, in an ongoing attempt to enable VA Voc. Rehab. to re-initiate my program and funding, which I completed and waited to hand to a real and talking human person of some significance, and though I was assured it would be given to the doctor and the call would be made... did not happen.

Well, the seeming worst case scenario was always a possibility. Not receiving funding for school this term. Still, that stings. However, in truth, that is not the actual worst case scenario. The Rehab. people may have closed and buried my case. That is where the thing stood. I had indicated that when I turned in the paper work, when I had spoken with my doctor, no one could have misunderstood. Now, I wait. My doctor indicated, today, that he would call me and tell me how any contact he makes worked. I am more than a bit nervous at this point. I suspect I will begin looking for alternative financial aid packages, but that will be tight and lean for certain reasons.

How to live like you were used to living on allowance... It could be a book. One I may need to read. Am I supposed to give up my lifestyle, what of it I even actually have, to be a monk student? I do not know, I would certainly have to re-evaluate the whole thing, and look at what financial aid is honestly available. Hmmm, 4 years of three-quarter time education and a few summer courses (more like 3 years if I can find 2 summer classes each year). That is a long time to monk it. Students loans, perhaps, but that might even be a bit tight. Thinking... And waiting... Oh, and a little (lot) pissed... Then again, at least this time and beyond any doubt, it was not my fault. I wonder, how many times has it not been my fault and I just took it because I could not remember? More often than not, I am thinking. *steaming*

Well, I had a very busy day, I think?

As I said, I could not sleep a wink last night. Still, it was fine this morning. I was already up of course, and then I showered, dressed, and at my only (first as it turns out) appointment fifteen minutes early (and I was seen early, that is always a bonus, though never to be expected). We covered enough material in order that I might get a good grip on my road to graduation. As well, we covered old issues, unfinished business really, and the various means of dealing with it all. Of course, I completed both of the recommended steps to manage the old business (an email to a former professor of mine, and an administrative query), however, administrations do not work just because one has done their part (first step). But things are on the road. With old business being tended, a recommended schedule to graduation (with all but one terms at ¾ level, one full-time term, (9 and 12 credits, respectively), and weak summers I hope to find a way to beef up in order to graduate fast, I have about four years. Now, I know that is stretching it too, actually. I know I have more non-engineering credits and some engineering credits for which she is not accounting. I suspect that, with 2 course summers, that 12 credit term, and a few other tweaks, I should be done in 3 years. A long time, and that makes me nervous about VA Voc Rehab. So, I also discussed other financial aid sources.

After that, I returned home. I remember that my tooth had been bothering me, with the lollipops and bubble and chewing gum excesses of late, it felt as if a cavity was coming loose. So, I buzzed the VA, and they had just had a cancellation and so saw me right away. I get ready and make that appointment. There went my nap before class, risky as a nap might have been. But I was not done.

Actually, I may find out good or bad new tomorrow regarding VA Voc Rehab. As I had noted, I gave my doctor written permission to speak directly with the VA VR counselor and then had also given him the phone number. I believe a call was placed the day I did so. I have heard nothing from either party since. Tomorrow I will know at least what occurred in the conversation. Either way, my work is not unimportant. I have assessed my professional advancement, such as it is. I have started planning to win, while understanding reality. I have started looking for funding, of several sort.

I am feeling better about class. I will be taking a test next Tuesday. I was able to get in early, however, I was stuck messing with a problem from class and was not able to see my instructor about the book. However, he was gracious enough to stay a little longer and let me take down the non-homework graded problems so that I might begin a further study having some hope I might eventually know. I just took down the numbers, As I get into them, then I may check. Although having been up and busy all last night and this morning, I was in pretty poor shape for class. That I was there anyway was good.

I really need sleep. A drink almost sounds good but I think I would end up wearing more of it than not. I should be able to wake easily tomorrow, and make it to the appointment.

Hmmm, on another note, it is supposed to warm up here, and soon. I hope all the snow does not disappear before I get to ski next week. I would be truly depressed. I have waited, worked, and pouted myself a bit into this opportunity. Though, too, I know this will not be the last snow.

I have got to crash. Have a great night. I would love to straighten this out, add some common sense to the thing, and make you all happy (you, there is only one of you here;), but I am all in. Be a dear, and if you are more ambitious than I and of a mood to do so, flip a few paragraphs around, ordering time a bit better. Oh, and see to the grammar, spelling, and word usage at your leisure. Or, just enjoy the oddity. Good night, Louise!

I could not sleep. Day 17

I am not sure what the deal is, but as yesterday seemed to be a sleepthrough, today and last night was a sleepout. Not an hour of sleep did I get, nor could I even approach the process. My body just said no. Well, fine, I have an appointment this morning. I was able to reset my appointment quickly. I think there was time so that I could have done it yesterday, but that just was not going to happen. Now, I have class this afternoon, so I may try to get some sleep. I need to be careful though, as it would be really easy to oversleep and I am very much trying to make classes.

I did some work last night, homework from class. I looked at a lot of things, and figured a few things out (I think). But this would be akin to me taking the average driver into a room, telling them a bit of mild theory regarding an engine, and then asking them how the drive shaft would turn (speed and direction), if I twisted something which I have not taught about, and which really was not even involved with the theory. And, of course, this is practically based, though theoretical in that the practical is impossible (or could be), only being theoretically functional based upon some given instructions and allowances. Did that confuse you? Gee, I am sorry.

I did make some progress, but I certainly do not understand this. As I said, this is not a source of stress. I will either do, or not. I am pretty sure I cannot know, if I get close the object will be moved or obscured. Though I am to learn, it is not in that type of objective manner. I am to learn through learning itself. I am not sure I agree with the approach, but I have no power, so I pay the bill and play the game. My instructor writes back, and is as elusive as what lead me to write him, or nearly so. Each time I pick up something. Sometimes I kick myself for not having seen it originally and myself, other times I realize he is not talking about anything from which I can make heads or tails. Then again, on occasion I get a spark from that, go look things over again and figure something out (I think… not sure what I “figured out” is correct, and there is no way to know).

I called my preferred ski rental shop yesterday. It seems as if the price is $15 a day, $30 for M-F, or $60 for 7 days. I will probably be doing the $30 at least twice a month. That gives me a lot more time to go when I feel like it and maybe a bit more often. It would be great to be able to do that every week, but it is a bit of money, with school costs also bearing down atm. I had intended to rent for a day today, but without getting rest last night, I do not think it wise to both end up with little rest and exertion pulling me down as I head into class, trying to glean an ounce of reason from whatever sources are available.

Oh, I best be off. A shower, a shave, a few brushings, and I will be off to see the academic advisor. After seeing what the school I am attending now offers for physics, I may take a look at what the U. of I. offers. I am tired of playing education bingo, I am looking for solid teaching, not this game thing, at least when I can get it my way. I am off!

I cannot even seem to comment well. 16

I started by telling Cruel Virgin that I would not comment there. I felt that I was in echo mode. It was not to slight her views, or discourage her writing, I was just stating what I thought was obvious. She disagreed, though she seemed to understand. Then, I started noticing that I just could not comment well anywhere. I was off at least a quarter of a degree, my comments lacked interest, definition, humor, or my living human manner. I feel as if my comments (and blog posts) are stale, like cardboard, and flat just so.

I have tried to write a comment recently, several times, only to just end up leaving without posting. Nothing I was about to post was offensive, for the most part (some truth is offensive, but there is a difference between offensive opinion and offensive fact). I just do not wish to leave little nothings, with no life, often off topic to some degree, and more just blathering than not.

I am not sure what to do about it. I will continue to blog. I am trying to put at least one thing out per day. It may be dry, flat, tasteless, and stale, but it will give me something to do, keep my writing skills at least in ready reserves, and hopefully when the flow returns, I may just splurge and surge.

Oh, the good thing is, as I mentioned at Cruel Virgin’s place… this is as bad as it gets. I have come a hell of a long way, from wanting to pull the plug every time the wind changed direction, I sneezed, or a chill ran through the room to not even noticing a hurricane, and dealing pretty well with this privation and that befoulment. I have even found some power and some brilliance in the old body. It might even be made functionable! I could get through school, or at least learn to mountain man a bit (hobby form, mostly). I might be able to find a good woman, spin her up, pop out a few mini-mes, and show her a wonderful world. Yes, I have come a ways.

Now, like that last as I do, it does not change the shape I am in currently or overall (in a way). So, I still have to grumble and gripe my way through, at the moment. And, I will do it, but I do not have to like it. Which, really, is fine. At least this time I have a little value added to the typical work like this. It has been 16 days and counting. I think from now on, I will put the number of days tobacco free in the title.

Weird day.

Well, I got much of the list completed. I did not call the dentist, it just slipped. As well, I have had a devil of a time staying awake. Sleeping on and off, crashing to sleep then dragging my self back to consciousness. And, it looks like I will need to shovel the snow. I do not believe the snow blower is the way I should go. As I said, I believe I will shovel.

After the announcement that Fred Thompson was withdrawing from the race, I realize there is no one running who is representative of my views. The remaining candidates are either liberal or “conservative” versions of progressive politics. Thompson would have been tolerable at most, he is not a great loss individually. However, he was the only marginally conservative candidate remaining in the race and in his loss is an end of hope for this election cycle. To the south of him, the Huck McJuliomny conglomeration is just a Democratic preference. If one of those four win, the Democrats realize they will still have a Democrat in office. And of course, who would vote for a weak Democrat when they could have the real deal? People drank RC because it was cheap, votes are free if the cost will arrive harshly in truth and in time, short or long. Neither a conservative, liberal, or moderate would vote for a leftist conservative, so the beast of four is headed for solid defeat. Will I vote? Maybe, but not for anyone running. There is a blank line, and for president, I will use this. Oh, and it will not be Fred “barely saw ya, barely knew ya, gotta go” Thompson, it will be Hunter who gets my nod.

I just called my Mother. I started thinking, with all this snow, I wonder if she has enough food and things laid in so that she can handle an extended period down? Does she have people coming by and checking in and on her? The call was good, she is doing well. She has plenty of provisions. And, she is being tended, at least twice daily, by visitors or phone checks. Anyway, now I had best get out and do that bit of shoveling. Though I will not do my several of my neighbor's walks and such this time.

It could be a great day.

I awoke very early, though I had been ready to sleep last night at 22:00 or so. Sleep was wonderful, actually. It was restful, satisfying, and felt long and full in spite of having the need to get up 3 times to use the facilities. I had consumed anchovies a few hours before bed, and the saltiness of it took me more by surprise than I remembered, so I needed to drink a couple of quarts of water. I suppose I was a bit dehydrated and I suppose quitting chewing is changing tastes, spittle biological function, and such. I may have dreamed, though I cannot remember. I have a suspicion I had pleasant dreams.

I started gathering my trash, in order to put that out. Imagine that, the place actually looks a lot better. It was not as bad as I had started to suspect. As I was getting things prepared to be taken out, I started thinking that there are many things needing attendance. A new list is in the offing. School did not restart last night, by the way. I suspect the school needed to do more than just clean the lots of the new snow. We have had a great deal of snow and in a very relatively short period of time. I suspect they needed to rearrange how and where they are stacking the white stuff.

I need to find out about getting another appointment with the U. of I. engineering academic adviser, she has not called back. I also need to check with my dentist. I seem to have chewed enough lollipops to loosen a cavity or two. They are a bit painful from time to time. As well, I hope to actually call about ski rentals, and if I find myself pleased with a particular rental shop from the conversations, perhaps a visit to the shop to set up size for future rental reference. There are a few more items on my list, but that is a start. I might just get a bunch done. Oh, and I want to look over the school work and next chapter too.

Oh, I wish I could write something interesting, but for right now… This is as good as it gets. I am mostly, right now, just writing to do something, as far as the blog goes. It really is all I have to offer. Sorry. I feel flat, dull, and slow. I am sure it shows.

It has been 15 days, starting the morning of January 7th, since I quite Tobacco.

Oh, it is not much, really. People do it every day, honestly. Though not everyone who quits stays tobacco free this long, yet some who make it this far end up going back to tobacco. I am not finished, and there are no guarantees, just my surety. I just checked the ticker on that, my surety was never a high-flyer, and it is not even decently humble value wise these days. But, it is what I have, it is what I offer, it will do. In an artificial world with odd connects and disconnects, our word, when held in honest relief to our actions, no matter who we are, is weak. Those whose words are nearly a correlation with their action are people who have learned not to speak until a job is done or all but done. If our will is not our own, which I believe or at least the results of our will are not our own, then what we ever intend almost cannot be. Even if we are deeply involved with God, it is not for us to know, not most of us, and not in a functional way anyway (leaving some room for prophecies and certain acts, such as those of Moses and the others at God’s behest).

I am still twitchy, I am still hungry, and I am still moody. Each has faded, a bit. Mood is the most explosive, and thus what I keep a closer tab upon. Hunger comes in next. Actually, hunger is the dominant gremlin in the lot, but since it is less destructive, it is allowed a little more room for indulgence. The twitchy part is slacking and is the easiest to deal with anyway. I am pleased that I have made it this far. Even if I mess up tomorrow, I have 15 days down.

Rocky has whittled his playmates down to 5. Usually I name none of the goldfish per batch, however, every second or third batch I see a fish that is either lucky, a bit smarter, or has a coloration which allows it to survive longer (only has to survive long enough to become big enough that Rocky cannot get him, or about 6 to 8 weeks, far less if it becomes the singular fish). I have spotted one which is being contemplated as to a name. When I first got him, I wondered, something seemed right about him. After two and a half batches, I am pretty sure. Now, I have to consider a name for him though. It is still a gamble, and I hate to then lose a named fish, but, what is life without some risk? We will see, I have been having difficulty coming up with a name I like, wish us luck? Ha.

Lots of fluffy white stuff!

It is raining snow flakes and… well, snow flakes. What with the leash laws, there are no more dogs and cats to rain, plus, it is winter. I have had the snow blower out three times this week, or after today. I cannot remember if I shoveled too within this week, or if that was the end of last week. I have been going way down, doing sidewalks two and three houses down (until I run into a cleaned sidewalk or out of interest), and doing my whole driveway, and trying to get the duplex to my south’s two driveways. This is a great time to consider snow skiing though. School has been canceled, though I will definitely check by tonight. It has stopped snowing, and the sun is out. Twelve hours could easily mean night course could be back on track. As a fact, I suspect they will be.

Just not too much more to report. Homework went well. The only problem giving me difficulty is the same one giving my study partner difficulties. I have written my instructor about it, I will see if he can, I should say ‘will’ since I know he can, add anything. We are really being given small amounts of what is needed to solve problems. The hope is that we will hyper extend and find some solution. Now, honestly, I do not believe I have enough base material to go that distance, so I am relying on my instructor. If that is not the way it is set up, then I will fail. I will understand I do not fit. We will see, I am just not going to fret it. Bugger that whole overload overstress thing, though I will try my darnedest. Balance, I think, is the word.

Well, I am not quite dry enough to go out and battle the snow but I am just blathering here. So, I shall check the news, harass my fellow bloggers, and play some parlor game or something until this wetback gets his greencard. Hasta luego, Manana?

*poof*

Interesting!

I have wondered why the women hereabouts created very little interest from me, and visa versa.. Now, mind you, I really want to find a little woman to co-manage our future. Well, so long as she takes orders in a fundamental manner. I knew it was not here, and tonight I may have found out why. Interesting, when we do not understand, and ask, we come to know.

Tonight, while I was… having a sip or so… I was checking out my new TV. Well, it is actually an old TV. HDTV, one of the first 32 inch tube ones, and Sony so it ought to be good. I did not and still do not like flat TVs. They really are not as good. They are thinner, and lighter, like modern women… That should be enough. Ok, fine, thinner and lighter means fewer children (and lower quality video). Well, ok, my tastes in women and TVs, among many things, are a bit dated. I suppose, that leads into the actual topic. As I was saying above, I wondered.

As I was watching my better viewing crappy old school TV, I was clicking around like an honorable American male (red blooded, mostly). Three clickers at the ready, I first set up the cable channels, adjusted the 1000W receiver, attempted to get things just right (which I have as of yet failed to do). Then, I looked at Sci-Fi (which seems more on trek with MTV (pre-kid-talk-show, but about to change). It is junk. The Liberal, I mean… nature and history channels have, if anything, turned even stupider (lefter). Then, as I clicked and complained… I found it! The reason for my difficulties.

On one channel, still broadcasting truth and science, my difficulty was explained. It seems, when women are using birth control, they choose poorly. They choose males who make poor mates. They also lose their sex drive. Meaning, as far as I am concerned, they get what they deserve. I know, when I wrote recently at Bane’s, I meant something… about a pretty woman he had posted (not the nasties, I am not in to porn, this one was… tasteful, to my eyes in any case, mostly). I could not put it fully into words until I heard it tonight. Without the raw unfettered pheromone of raw woman, I cannot find interest. Nor would they be able to find it in me. In their changed chemistry, I would be overpowering. Perhaps, if I can find a good woman, I will learn, know, and teach. And… a few other things. Stupid broads, get off the poison.

Wow, this nicotine thing.

I keep getting mashed on this. I had hoped it would be more tolerable by now. I am, however, happy to report that I am chugging right along. I am still avoiding people, for the most part. I have fits of moods, not unlike what my early days and certain Norsemen might understand. Bear wrestling sounds fun, if I get to eat what I kill especially. Now, I refuse to blame tobacco companies. Though I was young when I started, it is not like I could not read. It is not like anyone pulled the wool over my eyes and told me this lead to health and vigor. It is not even as if other smokes pulled me in. My mother and most others, especially smokers and chewers, adamantly said “No!”. I saw older smokers, like my grandpa and his gang of rowdy ol’ boys at his favorite pool hall or in the local greasy spoon. And yeah, though his lungs were not in the best shape, and though he may have lived a few years longer (in the nursing home), I think he would rather have smoked and died at 76 then to have lived to be 82 or 92 or 150. And though I miss him, I understand.

I am not quitting to live longer. I am quitting in part because the prices have made me angry, in part because I do not like having that extra “need”, especially one I can actually be rid (if only in theory, so far). And, to save my teeth. Not that my teeth are falling out, but the gums have taken a bit of a beating. It is easily recoverable at this point, at least. Oh, and smoking as an alternative really does cut into my wind and is bad for hunting. As I gear up to get out, I do not wish to wrestle with less lung, extra pack, and an artificial unsustainable “need”, which also has a strong chance of running dinner away. Coffee and tea, meh, they pack easier, are not required, and the deer love them (he is lying).

Any quitters out there? Any real advice? Anything, in particular, which gnawing upon keeps the hunger at bay a bit without adding on tons and which helps curb the urge? Actually, something that does one or the other alone would be good. Hard candy has been of limited use, though it is something (I will not go sugarless). I know I will do this, though I would like to lighten up a bit, if not light up.

I do not know where you live, but it is co co cold here. I think 0 to 10 F has been about the usual day time temperature here for a week, maybe a bit more. Plus, there has often been a decent breeze (say 5 mph) or more moving the dry cold air refreshingly over frozen fingers, and right down lungs so that breathing through the nose becomes highly recommended. Now, I enjoy the cold, but below 20 degrees, even I like a coat, gloves, and ear muffs, mostly. If you have it better, or happen to be in Hawaii, I am happy for you. This is, actually, my favorite time of year, though a little more snow would be nice if we have to have this kind of sustained cold. A foot of snow would be cool. Do not tell my neighbors I said that, especially if we get it.

Oh, hey, is everyone on vacation? Beyond few writing, fewer even seem to notice I visited. Now, my comments may be a bit off, even a bit more off than usual. I see things in a very weird light, admittedly. And I take angles that probably do not fit modern thought, certainly might get you banned from a bridge club, and may have your wife refuse to even look at you for a week if spoken, but come on. It is me. Shoot me down, blow me off, I have had worse. And, it is my sincere hope, I am indeed getting better. At worst, find a grain of salt, put that on your tongue and immediately drive the grain of salt and your tongue in cheek. Read a little more, do that step above again, rinse and repeat as necessary. Yeah, I know women seem to be very angry lately. I am not sure if it has been my comments or my posts. I am multi-talented that way, sometimes, though.