The steak was still good.

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Well, I hope.  After opening, inspecting, touching, sniffing?  It... seemed good.  So I fried it.  No more oven baking, that seems to just get it too done.  I'll either have to skip that, or cut the steaks closer to two inches thick.  An extra half inch, and a shorter oven time?  For now, I'll just pan fry them.  Crusty and raw.

As well, I had keto crackers, with keto peanut butter, and keto strawberry jam.  Will test blood sugar a few hours after a tea... in a bit.  Loving that white tea.  Sweetened this time.  Every other time, though especially when eating higher carbs.  The sweetener concoction reduces blood sugar.  When tested.  And, while everything was carnivore or keto, I may have had too much of the latter.  It just tasted so good!

Awake for a while.

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Since midnight?  Three?  Something.  Just drifting, since then.  Gaming, initially.  Then to making a fatted coffee.  Reading what the internet portends, suggests, or such.  No, not so much the news.  The news doesn't matter.  You are told what you want to hear.  I am not.  They don't dare speak the truth.  If I want the truth, I'll tell you.  Which I do, from time to time.  Hated for it.  All good in my book.

Sleep was good.  Getting cold though.  It's 71 up here, in the front room, in late August?  Strange.  It was 74 near me, 75 elsewise, when I went to bed.  Didn't check when I woke up.  Cool enough to not use ac, if I did use a fan.  Delicious sleep, honestly.  I may go back down in an hour or three, try to just nap, then get a shower and makes some calls, do some business.  It is right between 45 and 46 out there... here as I just start to write.

Strange.

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Someone... thinks... something.  Oh, sure.  I see their point.  If, too, I think they miss my point.  A well wish, for a disaster of a future, is not... all it seems.  Or, even what it might seem.  If I wish you good fortunes in the war to come, even if I know you will be ended in them?  That... isn't a curse, or spite, or else.  I... mean... good fortune in the wars come.

When did I go to sleep?

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Good question.  I started that last post at 16:23.  It couldn't have taken long to finish and post.  And I pretty much just crashed after that.  I was tired beyond tired.  Barely got into sleep clothing.  Just didn't want to sleep with regular clothing and had just enough going not to do so.

Up at 2:45.  A shorter sleep?  Strange, but okay.  A bit weary, not tired... sleepy.  I have been doing so little, that what little I did yesterday hard on me.  Haven't been able to do much.  So, sure.

Don't have to.

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Don't want to.  Could.  Won't.  Eat, that is.  I have pork chops, burger, and probably the chicken thawed.  A few chops would make for a fairly good quick, small meal.  A hamburger patty or two would be nice, three would be too much.  The chicken?  I don't think so.  Not yet.  I'm putting that in the fridge, to let it finish thawing.  That will be for... no... Thanksgiving is too far off.  Still, not for today.  Tomorrow?  Maybe.  Well, parts of it.

Evening medicine went down.  I thought about taking the whole losartan pill, but no.  Half is enough.  While bp is running right at the edge of where I want it?  It's still, often, slightly under.  I don't want it under.  I'd rather have it just slightly over, if I have to go in one direction or the other.

Wasn't even sure how to tell?

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I know if the bike has stock front springs and rear shock, those will need to be adjusted, immediately.  But, more, in short order, will need to be change.  On-road driving, mostly, shouldn't be a problem.  Assuming no potholes or irregularities.  But, even a bit of off-road and bottoming out will become an issue quickly.

This first video is how to change the front springs.  Will this be enough?  That I can't say.  Well, I can say, alone, they wouldn't be enough.  Of course, some things were done to the bike already.  This might be one of them?  I'll be able to tell easily, now that I know what I am dealing with.

What men are good at?

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Well... what most of us would like to do, be able to do.  I've had a nearly forty year hiatus.  Kept... waiting for the engine to kick over, for psychotropics to work, and such.  That... wasn't ever going to happen, because... well... that wasn't the problem.  Fact is, nothing will ever kick over, like it should.  Heck, I shouldn't be breathing.

Everyone, I think, knew that.  Except me.  Even when I found out, I kept thinking there was a way.  Delusional?  Maybe.  But I still think there is a way.  It won't be equal but different.  It won't be fair and even.  It will be... always... running on bare minimums.  Using what is available, not what would normally be needed or acceptable.

Nearing bedtime.

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I did get the laundry through.  The load that had been sort of being kicked around in the washer for days was washed, again, but then put in the dryer.  Vinegar was added, and hot water was used.  Then a load of whites was put through, and itself was put on into the dryer.  I am about to check on that.  Probably give it another short spin, just to make sure.  Then close up the washing machine.  I like to let it airdry for a bit.

No dishes.  Didn't clean the freezer top.  Didn't pull meat.  May hop in the shower as the last thing.  Then, hopefully, tomorrow, push some of those remaining things.

May have found her?

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The bike.  The thing is, I have to find someone to test drive her.  And, then, try to get a loan pre-approval through my bank.  Then arrange for a visit, when the seller, rider, and myself can all be at the same place at the same time.  And, then, figure out how to get her home.  The rider probably doesn't have a drivers license, but can drive.  Ugh.

I have a possible date, if it works out with the other.  But, another is being asked, due to... cramped schedules on one end.  So, having to wait.  Since I haven't even spoken with my bank yet, it's... not... a great push.  But, I would like to let him know I am interested.

Some fish went for the bait!

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Just... we'll get to that.  But, first... a bike.

I really have to consider this.  Sure, winter is coming.  But there are days when riding is possible.  Usually.  Though if this winter is like last, those days will be rarer than usual.  We'll see.  Then again, it's early October, and down into the mid 30's to low 40s at night.  That... is early.  Cold doesn't mean snow.  But a warm ocean does.  And the ocean isn't so much warm as hot.  Still, cold has to clash with it, from the north.  We'll see.

Some days...

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I have to ask myself, sometimes, why I am still alive.  Sometimes due to pain, sometimes from a fogginess which makes living so very complicated, and other reasons.  Today it is because I have been unable to function.

I have been feeding and tending Sassy.  I made myself a meal, and coffee a few times.  But, beyond that, it just isn't happening.  Even gaming is... difficult.  Focus?  No, that isn't too bad.  It's... a will, or want, that is missing.  Something inside me just isn't there.

Dreams.

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I used to be able to find vids, about off-grid living.  Truth is, I didn't want complete off-grid.  Though, the truth beyond that, is there is no such thing.  You bring water up?  Fine, but SOMEBODY had to create the access to the water.  You need to charge your phone, and battery packs?  SOMEBODY has that electricity, and is allowing you to use it.  Nothing is free.

Still, there are homesteaders who either by need, lack of access, or such, have learned to live lean.  A lot of fiction out there too.  But, between the fiction, and the reality, there are people who truly live a... if not quieter... simpler life.  That has always been a goal.  But, a goal which time and possibility where gone before I ever understood the want.

This fellow, in this video, is... like what I had envisioned?  Only... without realizing the depths.  Not all of them.  Though, does anyone realize how hard things are in life, no matter which direction they go?  I don't think so.  If, truth be absolutely told, there are no easy paths.  And, the honest and true paths are the most brutally difficult.  The world... is jealous, hateful, and doesn't... want you to win.  It will help you lose, but not help you win.  Winning costs.  If too, winning isn't... winning?

Nearly August.

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July, for summers here, is like Wednesday is to the week.  The hump.  The hottest section.  It will continue into the 90s, but be broken by cooler days, or if any regularity remains.  Cloudy, from time to time.  Which has already been happening.  So, I am hoping, rain will come sooner, and cool will be accelerated.  Time will tell.

While waking and doing a few first things, I kept looking at the clock.  Between groggy vision and still sleepy mind, I couldn't tell if it was eleven or thirteen hundred hours, or even what in change after.  As I sit, I see it is noon, so... must have been half past eleven hundred when I finally got up.  I woke earlier, to shut the house down.  I got up twice.  I thought the front door might still be a pickle holder... I mean... ajar.  But no, I had worried for nothing.

A fatted coffee, and some meat sticks, to start out.  I did purchase eggs last time I was in.  They aren't too expensive.  But they aren't brown eggs, or from pasture raised chickens.  But, it is what I was willing to pay, per egg.  Only mediums, but that is pretty familiar.  Though, compared to other store bought eggs, I know where these were hatched.  Couldn't quite throw a stone and hit the place, but... proverbially, as a crow flies, perhaps.  Of course, not literally in any sense, if there is any fact to literal in most realities?  Something like that.

Today?  I don't know.  I really am beat.  Just getting the watering done through the night pretty much tuckers me out.  The sprinklers aren't much, it's the 150' of constructor grade hoses that get me.  But, the watering was done.  And is ready to go again Tuesday.  Things are greening.  Just, but they are.

I would like to get another shower, but later.  Hitting dishes would be good.  I cleaned out pee jugs this morning, three.  I have been... busy with other things.  Counters and maybe boxes.  Little bits of the living room.  I just don't have it in me.  They remain the goal until the goal is reached.

I believe I am going to call off the review, and stop playing with the buyers.  I am just going to stick around, for now.  No one can afford the house, one way or the other, or will.  At least as she sits.  If I could get her cleaned up, maybe.  Not as worried about the crash in house sales.  I wouldn't be selling to typical buyers.  I would be selling to California and Illinois escapees.  Usually with cash.  Or Chinese or Blackrock scalpers, also in cash.

I'll spend a couple of months trying to get the place in order, as it cools this fall.  Then, consider maybe even putting it on the market.  But, on the official market.  Let them bid against real buyers.  While there is some slow down, in some areas, for houses in this range, locally, there is a high want and need.  But... it has to be viewable ready.  Then, perhaps, I could get the competition going.  We aren't in drought here, regardless what they try to say.  And, compared to the rest of the South West, that means something.  Plus with acreage, outbuildings, and a dry basement in an area where most basements flood every other year?

It needs work.  That $30k loan, if it had gone through, would have seen new furnace, central air, a new electrical panel, new flooring where needed, some wall work in the kitchen, the bathroom completed, an automated sprinkler system, maybe a backup generator, a new window in one of the rooms, and more.  Perhaps even new siding.  It seems like a lot, but that would probably nearly double the value of the house.  It used to be, depending on where you were, that a bit would get you back a little less.  But, in hot markets, a little can get you far more.  It's want and perception, when they are biting.  Bling, baby?  Yeah, unfortunately.  I just can't do bling.  But I can improve it so that there can be viewings.  But... not now.  Just too damned hot.

I did get some things.  And I am keeping that even in the heat.  So, I am hoping I can push through as it cools.  Then, pretty much, just live, and live small, in just a few areas.  Keeping up on those.  Then again?  There... may be a resource, for the $30k, that... remains.  I hadn't thought of it, until just now.  No promises.  Probably no.  But... there is one last place I could check.  I might be able to find a personal financier.  Maybe.  I'll... have to check.  How to even approach such?  Directly, of course.

Oh, I keep looking up things about bikes.  While I looked at extra fuel options, I also looked at ways to increase mileage.  Well, some technical ways.  The truth is, learning to ride "boring" will save a lot of gas.  As will cruise control, if that only works on some bikes.  Most bikes?  Some.  Why?  Well, I don't want to run out of gas a hundred miles from nowhere.  I have nearly done that with the Xterra, here in Utah.  A road outage, for some reason, running into a secondary detour while thinking gas was just ahead, not paying absolute attention (difficult in the heat, regardless of ac, on long trips)... and... almost ran out.  And, down there, it is 90 at night.  So, yeah.  That... could easily have been fatal, especially with no vehicles passing or following.  

I think some people knew this area had become... a problem?  Went different ways.  I just didn't know enough, or have resources to let me know.  That... got my attention.  I may have had tanks of water, but... you can only carry so much and...  No... I probably would have waited by the side of the road, with the water.  Until I could hitch.  Walking away from five gallons of water, in a desert, is very possibly a death sentence.  If you get down to what you can carry, then go?  Aye, as I see it.

I probably want a bigger tank, an auxiliary tank, and extra external storage.  Especially going into Mexico, and then on the South America.  Oddly?  I fear Canada more than I fear Mexico, if I fear Mexico more than South America.  All can be dangerous.  Just... how I weight things.  Canadians won't kill you, but their government will arrest and hassle you.  There government is even more unhinged than the US government has become.

Grilling.

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With a headwind?  Sort of.  When it hits the 90s out there, or more, it's like driving, actually though, with a tailwind.  In the winter is when headwinds are faced.  The roasts got there first check, and turn, twenty minutes in.  And... they... are cooking fast.  To be honest, after this next twenty minutes, and  final turn, I will probably cut the dampers and let them finish in there for another twenty minutes.  The smells...  Oh, I do love meats grilling, or cooking rightly in just about any way.

While waking, I started thinking about other ways to get to Argentina, or Ecuador, or else.  Currently not possible, completely, by road.  Not all the way down anyway.  But, driving?  Motorcycling?  The problems with any of those is... I suspect you have to have the covid vax before they would let you in.  No go.  Further, there isn't a road between Panama and Columbia.  Even if they started that today, and that is very unlikely, it would take ten, twenty, thirty years? to complete.  It won't be easy or fast.  More, there is no fairy around the Darian Gap (the area between north and south).

As I was waking...

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Looking.  A pair I have watched before.  And, on several topics.  Why?  Well, this one should be obvious.  While I have refused a heart transplant, simple medical upkeep... could be a trick.  However, it seems, there is... a way.  And, without having to return to America every year.  Or more.  As I was watching it, I was sweating it.  Would my choices pop, as places to get what is needed?  European nations, first.  Not... quite... my choice.  For about a dozen dozen reasons.

Now, while I really would like Ecuador, Argentina is becoming more likely, for a single dozen reasons.  From food to weather to a few other things.  Oh, and the clot shot is still required in Ecuador.  I wonder if they are still masking?  I'll actually have to check about Argentina, as to masking, as well.  If it's not ready for prime time, it'll just have to wait.

While I am trying to wake?

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It is 13:10.  I sit here, as I have all morning, just... sitting here.

Oh, well, I have been looking over Spanish videos.  I do know some rare Spanish words.  Denada, por favor, spelling?  Uno, cinco, and others.  But, as with German and French, it has been so long since I used any of it, or even really heard it, that it's just garbled... gobbledygook.  Still, unlike, say Japanese, or Khmer, or Russian even, I have a background in the language.

Well, now, Argentina has it's own version.  Though a bit of study will fix that.  Especially knowing, up front, while studying Spanish again, that is... something that can be baked into the process.  Even so, it is still a lot of work.  I never became truly fluent in Spanish.  French and German, but not Spanish, or Italian.  I just got a touch of those.  But... there are similarities.  Then again, as mentioned, they are all rather dated... the skills.

Even so, I am going to begin studying.  Japanese?  When I realized foreigners, while somewhat welcomed, are more like exotic pets?  Which, is fine.  It makes sense.  I... just... didn't quite have the same interest.  That is a lot of effort for very little return.  Argentinian?  I could, probably, possibly, fit in there.  Always as an outsider.  But, not... purely foreign.  It is a nation of foreigners.  As, I suppose, America... to one extent or another.

But, no videos on that.  Just saying I am kicking over the old tongue, seeing what might be revived.  A polyglot?  I'm not sure I see the reason.  Though two tongues would be good.  It's just that, if I am going to ask another nation to take me in, I do have an obligation to learn.  It's on me.  Even bringing my own income, I... am at their disposal... until I earn my way in more ways than just paying my rent.

Much better, as to interior temps.

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I have, this year, been experimenting.  Actually, I experiment every year.  The thing is, how it works one time is not what works with a slightly different situation.  Say, same temps, but wind out of a different direction, or humidity being different, or perhaps it is overcast but all else is similar.  Everything is... different.  And the results, from the same rigging, as I call it, can vary drastically.

Today, I have everything closed, except the west window in the kitchen, and all the fans on, except the one in the washroom.  And?  And it is 87 out there, 73 in here, everywhere (downstairs).  Very... interesting, and nice, at 11:31.  Heck, even at the computer it is only 74, so just one degree above the general room temp.  This, I must admit, is awesome!

I haven't started working yet.  And, perhaps, I won't.  I may just goof another hour or two, then go on to bed.  Perhaps a shower though?  Maybe.  And, then, tonight, work through the cool, while also watering the lawn.  If I can get going, I may do some work.  Dishes, clearing the counters.  But maybe not.  I am enjoying the cool.  It's difficult to push off from that, having it be hot in here, mostly, for a while now.  But, it looks like I found a really good rigging... if too, that requires it get cool enough outside to get that indoors.

The switch.

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He went ahead and put it in.  I just watched.  But I did watch.  Had a few questions.  Well, possible questions.  I pretty much knew, just checking.  And, it was the switch.  He hadn't brought a socket, which is fine.  He was thinking it might be a whole socket, in an enclosure.  And, while that could have been made to work, it is merely a ceramic (ish, these days) simple socket.  Still, all good.

Now I can go on to bed.  I didn't get much more done.  No shower, no north side in the kitchen, no more dishes.  The heat got up there, but a nap was out with him showing up when he could.  So... I just had to... sit through the heat of the day.  I couldn't get to work.

Not bad, though.  I did well, earlier.  And, will get more tomorrow, or tonight, or when I wake next.  It is 84 outside, and up front here.  I am going to try to stay awake until it gets to the mid 70s outdoors.  Then I can crack windows, and let it sort of cool, a bit, through the night.  It is 77 in the main and 84 here near the machine.  Getting close.  I sure wished it would be cooler, but knew it wouldn't be... not quite yet.

I'll check the litter boxes, and feed Sassy a bit more.  Then just browse the web until it's time to check again.  Would love to go on to bed.  But it's just... not time.  Later.

Alright?

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Still tinkering with the idea of making cat food.  Making?  How about... producing?  Using additives, and grinding meats... or having them ground.  Why?  Because I honestly do not trust most producers.  I don't trust the producers of human food, canned, for the most part.  Why would I trust them to make cat food?  As well, I have some hope of doing that, and better, for less.

Eating regular food at home, cooked from scratch, while a pita, is much cheaper.  Cheaper both than restaurants, even the "good ones", and processed easy foods.  That includes freeze dried foods.  Those are hard on your system, and usually carb-heavy.  So, done correctly, it may be the way to go.  Plus, I'll bet dollars to donuts, most health issues are animals have come directly from canned foods.

So?  So I have been looking.  There are meat grinders which can easily grind the bones of smaller critters, like chicken, rabbit, duck, turkey, and such.  Mouse, if you would be willing to raise them.  Though, to be honest, if I raised mice?  I would feed them to Sassy alive, and wriggling.  :)  I have thought about that, too.  Would only need live traps and attention to detail, most likely.  

Then again?  The mice seem to have disappeared.  Not... exactly sure why?  I did put mouse poison bait out in the outbuilding where I had been keeping rabbits.  And, at first, they didn't seem to go.  More, and more, and more.  Until, one day, no sign.  And, I haven't seen mice for... since early spring, mid winter?  Not out there, not in the house.  It's like it drew them in, to the poison, and... gone.  Even from the house.  So, I don't think I could catch a mouse, at this point.  But I could buy cages.  Enough for the breeding stock, and then two or three cages for the 'livestock'?  But how many mice would a cat eat, if a cat could eat mice?

Anyway.  Even if I do go for raw feeding, I will always have to have some canned on hand.  For emergencies, if I became ill, or couldn't get to the store, or even if the store stopped having availability.  things can shut down in a hurry.  Or, even a financial collapse, where money isn't available.  We are in very hard times.  But holding onto gold or silver is possibly more dangerous than having it in the bank.  But, look at what is happening in China.  Banks just stole their money.  The government is on the side of the banks.  Our government has already made it so that deposits aren't considered your money.  They are, technically, at this point, loans... to the bank... from you.  And, if the bank goes bankrupt, do you think you are first in line for any remuneration?  Wrong.  So... right... raw food?  Raw food.  I think it would be easier to maintain, and get the cat to hunt on her own as well, if things went bad.

There are many options.  The easiest one, if possible... not all butcher shops will do it, is to buy ground chicken.  Better with bone in, but there are options for boneless.  IF you can get inexpensive enough meat, there are additives which will fill that out.  Could do burger, but that is very expensive.  Pork is a bit spooky.  Wouldn't feed any animal ground pork.  Turkey is often pretty spendy too.  

The other option, that I see as possibly, is buying a grinder to grind less expensive meats myself.  And, it will handle chicken bones... and other small animal bones.  The least expensive I have seen is right at $400.  Though, even with that, I would still have to buy additives, just not as much/expensive.  Taurine, or some such, would be the main necessary.  Though livers, even finding livers can be tricky.  And those have to be added.  Mostly liver, though heart and gizzard, in with the meat grind, would be needed.  One powder handles both the needed bone, and adds what would be in the liver.  Another powder requires the maker to add those things, just has a few extra vitamins and taurine.

Expensive?  Both, upfront, yes.  To be honest, I am leaning toward the grinder.  It would be good form ore than just cat food.  Cheaper burger.  Lean as I want it.  The fats added could be made the more healthy fats.  And would be great for making sausages, without sugar, without this, without that... just... right spices and pure pork... the pork not too old, or off.  And casing I can trust.  Can't trust stores these days, or manufacturers.  Beside poisoning, they honestly hate us.

Just... thinking on things.  Trying to share thoughts.  If I could make more people more independent... from stores... from taxes... from things outside the family, right friends, and the church?  I would.  I will.  I do.  I have... problems.  But I don't support my own problems, just name them.  And... try to work around them.  If I do escape this jungle, for an honest one, I will be looking for a woman, with whom to have have children.  You don't have to be right, to do right.  Later.

Even so.

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Oh, I wish.  In some ways.  Yam what yam, innit, though?