Still awake.

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I made it through the morning lull and I think I will be able to make it to the computer shop, stopping by the post office on the way. I would like to go shooting, but the only gun I have clean is the .45 and right now bullets are not on the economic menu. It is only $20 or so a box, but I would want two boxes.

Sassy is going out more often, and sometimes asking to go even when Sam chooses not to go. Sam is going out less, for whatever reason. Milk has them both happier critters, though Sassy became seriously silly. She is on a tear, beating on Sam and me, if losing in the end. I am not sure what is up with her. Growing pains I suppose.

We are supposed to get snow this weekend and into the beginning of next week. I have not checked my snow blower yet! I need to get a siphon to remove the old gas, if there is any in it, before trying to prime and start it. Old gas has a way of causing real problems. Even being left in the machine causes me worry. I simply have not checked that yet. If we get the amount of snow they suggest, I will need the snow blower. This will be, if it happens, the first snow to stick let along pile up so far this season. Oh, and I saw a predicted low of 12 coming up in about a week as well. Of course, to me, 12 F is... heavenly. If I am back to where I have been for years, I do not really suffer cold until it drops to negative 20 F. Every lover I have ever had has been able to withstand letting me open the window in the winter, as I put off enough heat... at least in bed. What they do not like is having to skitter through the cold to the warmer part of the house when waking up. Meh, I always enjoyed watching that part. *evil grins*

Well, I ought to get going. I would like to get another larger kitty litter box, now that Sassy can use it. Before it was simply too high for her to get in safely and sanely. Now it would be nice for the extra sifter and having 4 pans of the same size for switching in and out and cleaning and allowing to dry. The kit comes with two pans, along with the sifter, so having one "pan" already along with another, given that it's a set, accounts for the numbers. In case you were wondering.

Have a great day!

In spite of extra sleep, I am quite tired.

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I suppose it just takes time. This would be my sleep time, or nearing it, if I had not slept extra long last night so I suppose it is to be expected. I did buy, finally, coffee. I may try that and a small breakfast of oatmeal and an egg, along with coffee. My new pot is not in, yet. Well, it might be. On my way to shop I stopped at the post office. I have two slips indicating that I have packages in. It sort of surprised me as usually packages are delivered via UPS or the other. I was wondering about that because when Amazon emailed me, they indicated there was a problem with delivery. They offered a link to USPS, but that link is not functional in handling packages in my zip code, so I just assumed that undeliverable meant just that. I will go in today and see if my cookbooks, pressure cooker set, and such, are in. One can hope, if doubt as well.

The kitchen has been swept, the kitty litter changed, milk has been offered though the mousers did not seem as interested as I had thought they might. Everything I purchased has been put away, beans are soaking. So, I suppose I did do some work. I noted that my bedroom smells like a manroom, beastroom really. So, I suppose, I should get on that. I was wondering if my sense of smell was going because I had not noticed any foul smell lately. The bedroom would not be noticeable as I am either sleeping or barely awake when in there. No, I think my nose is still good... well, as good as man noses go.

Oh, there is a young woman who I see frequently when I shop. She is, to say the least, different. She is... interesting. She is young enough to be a mother, seems single, seems interested, and is interesting. I always talk her up, though tonight I just smiled, nodded, and said a few things... then rushed off. Not to be rude, or seem disinterested, but too, showing too much attention is not a good thing either. None of that was the issue, however. As I said, I am natural at these things. She would make for a controversial wife, should that come about. But, what about me or my life is not controversial? No, not inter-racial or any such thing. Tattoos my friend, and visible and such. There is just something about her, a combination of innocence and not. The tattoos, like money, strength, finesse, and other traits or qualities or considerations, are only an indication of something. Anyway... Yeah. Whatever.

Hey, I think out of the box here and in real life. A woman comes to a man as she is, and he either bites or spits her out. I like this one. Oh, I would be fine with a woman with no tattoos and all normal other things too. Actually I would prefer that for all intents and purposes. All I know is that when a woman attracts me, I then begin considering why that is so and maybe working on it. Yes I do.

Well, later.

Some success, some not.

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While shopping I always check what food storage is available. I have been having a difficult time finding the types of plastics I like. I have some glass, if they are smaller and more for the freezer to my mind. After throwing out the larger junk ones, I have not seen decent sized snap tight lid types in some time. Well, tonight was the night. I found many in many sizes, the largest holds 2.5 gallons, and I bought five or six other smaller sizes. Now I feel ready to tackle batch cooking much more readily.

I did find an internal hard drive, the last on the shelf. A Seagate Barracuda, 1 tb, and pretty much what I had been hoping to find. A 500 mb device would have been fine, but that was not to be. At $130 or so, plus $6 for a warranty (yes, for this, definitely), I cannot go wrong. The problem is, it does not work either. I am thinking my system has a problem. It connects to the motherboard, so I went into bios. Everything is set to automatic, nothing detects another device. I am not sure what else to do in bios. I do not know enough to really try and troubleshoot. I do have the manual for the motherboard and bios somewhere, though I do not think it will help. I honestly think I have everything set to seek or find a new hard drive. So, there I am. I will simply have to take the machine, plus my old hard drive, in and see if I can get this fixed. I would like to have them all working, to be honest. If I buy a newer system, I will salvage the 1 tb for that, along with what else I have planned. Well, at least I got of my duff, got out, found what I needed, and set it up as I am able. Hopefully this afternoon I will have my machine back to gaming specs.

I will also ask about the printer. For whatever reason, it simply is not functioning for me. The printer does show up, from time to time, as connected through the USB, but then it disappears and never works. I simply do not know what the problem is. I cannot find a security issue either. No, not sure where the problem is. It has worked, and well, before. Faxes to printing to copying, this system used to do it all. The only thing it might be, again, is memory issues. When the only hard drive gets down to a certain level, RAM may become problematic (something like that). I know there is a place to check and change that parameter... Hmm, might have to look. *sigh* Well, there is hope.

Oh, I have washed and dried the storage containers. I did not buy them then let them sit around for a month or two before cleaning them and getting them ready for service. As such, I will soak beans to cook sometime today, and cook rice as well. Bit by bit, with a little incentive from the local peeps, I seem to be getting back into the grove. And, yeah, it does feel right... good... and about time.

Well, that is that.

The push is on.

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Okay, so I have been crippled a bit lately. And I have a wonderful talent for understatement. After the visitations, I have been trying to figure out how to kick out of the rut, get on my feet, and then back into the saddle. Really? Yes, really. Looks can be deceiving. When one is flat on their back and in a rut, getting out is not always what it might seem. Sometimes, when you roll right to the edge of the rut and it would seem you should keep pushing in that direction, you would be wrong. You must go back and either rest a bit and try again, try the other side, or try the same side you almost got out, depending on what looks best. Momentum is required. If you lost it all getting that close to the edge of getting out you must either rest, or reverse course hoping to build enough momentum to get out the other side. If you trust me on nothing else, trust me on this. I do know this thing.

The first thing I did today, consciously, toward becoming more functional, was to stay in bed longer, consciously trying to sleep longer. As I have noted, I cannot reverse my schedule. Or to put it another way, I cannot wake up earlier in order to reset my working time schedule. If I am waking up at 10:00, there is no way I can begin waking at 8:00 and then 6:00. I have to oversleep my way to waking at 6:00. Like a clock that has no mechanism to reverse the shown time, one must advance the time to the wanted new shown time. So, I slept an extra five or six hours. Further, when I finally did get out of bed, I took a shower right off the bat. No more musky me, whenever I get up. If I skip a day of showering, I must then at least comb my hair and or wear a cap. It had been... some time since I showered last. My soap did NOT want to get near me. Shampooing took... a bit. Can you say 'old goat'?

I could not get out yesterday. No shopping, no computer shop, nothing. I did eat, and kept up on the dishes. Other than that, nothing. Today, since I am up later, I am hoping to try and get some of those things done. No promises. I cannot offer those. I can only tell you that I am itching to get back up and going. Even one such as I am affected by the social. More so than I am affected by my own plans, ideas, or such. I guess, after all, I am not an island? Yeah, I suppose.

The good thing about tinkering with the computer is that I have realized how easy it was. I was beginning to worry, after so many years, if I had forgotten all I knew and that things would be Greek to me, or at least forms of Greek I am either no longer familiar or forms I never learned. *grins* Learn math, you will collect some Greek. Become familiar with the English Language as Americans speak it, and you will learn more Greek. Trust me on this, though less so than earlier, if you wish. Nope, I was able to clearly see what was going on, what to do, what to try, and how to do it. The tight spots of some of the plug options, the complexities of finding a cords two ends once it has been bundled, and a few other things, of course, remain a pain in the butt. Still, it is better than engines, where a tight spot often can mean busted knuckles. Yes... I... do... remember.

I know a good deal. Not so much about mechanics, though I could learn more on that if I chose to. I still hate to have greasy oily hands and filth under the fingernails that cannot be removed... which is why I could never be a mechanic of any sort. It is... repulsive to some aspect of my nature, if I do respect those who not only can do that but will do it, and more if they like to do it. I am electrical or combat, with a nod to mechanical. Still, if it comes to it, my hands will go in... But it had better mean the difference between life and death.

I boiled a goodly lot of eggs. They are cooling as I speak, and seem to peel quite nicely this time! Yes, a strange thing to be excited about, but stored boiled eggs, along with cooked rice and beans, in the refrigerator, means I can cook less but much better when I do, and still eat a much better set of foods. Variety, along with bulk and fine cooking, will make any efforts I commit to much more possible. This time I used every trick I knew and one my friend recommended, used my "good water", and boiled in a precise military manner, watching everything closely. They needed a bit more cook time after the boil, the middles a little soft, so... The timer is going off, it is time to deal with those. Now, I like, even love, softer centers, perhaps even liquid to a degree, for fresh hot breakfast. But for refrigerator stored peeled eggs, no... Well, to the eggs. By the way, the boiling pot is already cleaned. If I make it to the store, I will use it to cook rice later.

One last update, all the dishes are now clean. I will spend an hour or two looking over my news and blog sources (often more news from blogs, actually), and wake up. Then to the store. Hmm, now would be a great time to put in a load of laundry, while I am at it and getting on top of things.

That is all...

Doh!

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Okay, I really have started getting my home straightened. It does take time, and while doing so, I have not been tending to my own grooming. Yes, squirreled away in what had been an unbreachable abode, I have... been lax. Dishes, trash, kitty litter... Tended and well and usually, with only dishes sometimes falling slack. But these are all up to par now. Grooming and minor tending... is on the list. I have made small inroads here and there, but much remains. Oh, no, I do not live in a pigpen even at my worst. It is simply a little cluttered and unkempt. Just so you know. I may be a bachelor, but I am not a complete sloth.

Three more visitors, ladies all, visited this evening... just after I woke up. Even if I do tend to grooming, well, I will have to work on my schedule. There would not have been time to groom between waking and their visit, and to be honest, right after I wake up I... well, I smell. I am sort of funky, like any wild animal. I definitely smell like a bull male, heavy, harsh, musky. Still, they were rather pleasant. Oh, but this time I at least welcomed them into my home. I really felt bad about not doing so last time. And, from now on, good or bad, visitors will be brought in. Which reminds me, I ought to keep something on tap for visitors. Beer is not quite the going social liquid refreshment, and is not even a regular item for me. But hot cocoa might be. Or at least water. Yes, yes, grumpy as I am that is how I prefer to roll. But I need to get the living room a bit sorted out so that company may enter and be seated as well. Some grump I am turning out to be!

Other problems include that I still have not taken my machine in or gone shopping. Today is, sort of, just starting. A shower and to the store before I get bogged down in work here. I really need some food. I do quite well with the stores I have on hand in spite of being low. That is something else I garnered from my mother. Having been a farm lass and having been a single mother, she learned that two groups of vegetables whether they be from can, fresh, a quick stop at a store, or home canned, a meat, and milk, water, juice, or something (we did not 'do soda' except as rare treats), and a meal for our little family was on. Mixing, matching, and experimenting, a little spice, a little love, and a bit of work makes for fine food. And it beats eating out any day. Anyway, I best get to the store as I would like some of my regular meals and to quit tearing into my short term stock. (Short term stock is loverly to have, by the way!)

My lady friend keeps calling. She wants flight information I have printed and sent, and yet my machine is broken down that way. She does not have email, so I cannot simply forward it. I am going to try one more thing tonight, to try and get that functional. I am wondering if the new security ware is the problem, though I have no real clue how to begin fudging that just enough to allow the printer and yet keep it whole enough to remain secure... if that is indeed the problem. Further, all attempts to get the second hard drive functioning have failed. I could not use the cords currently not attached to the working hard drive as they simply do not fit. As is, the cord that is used in the functional hard drive had to be "modified" to fit (probably using a high tech device, like a Dremel, bah!). Custom computer builders are not what they are cracked up to be. Although it has worked for into 7 or 8 years, that they did not use the correct cord is annoying (as a friend would say, for the charges they priced). I have to give them that 7 or 8 going onto 8 or 9 years though. While shopping, I may see if I can find a hard drive to add in. I am not sure if the old hard drive is dead or if the connections are dead, perhaps the wiring is dead. I simply do not know.

In any case, I cannot get the information to my lady friend, or much else, until I figure out the computer. Gahhhh! Everything happens all at once, it seems.

In any case, I have truly enjoyed the few visits that have occurred. What guy would not enjoy having six women stop by to say hello from time to time? And a couple of gents before that? Oh, and another lady before even that? Never happened in Iowa City. And, as reclusive as I seem, I enjoy company. Most people are so busy that company is a luxury they rarely entertain. My problem is that I have so much time that visiting people would make me a pariah. So, I leave the door open and let them choose the time. Which, also, can be a difficulty. Although, with this many people to bother, I might start visiting on a rotating basis. Exploring who does not mind a visitor from time to time, who has the time and interest, and... well... getting out a bit. Who knows what kind of troubles the locals are into. There might be hunters, or hikers, or shooters, or eaterists ('nother made up word, sue me), or horsemen and women, or... well, you get the gist.

I will... figure these things out... eventually. Oh, these three ladies, the visitors from tonight, wanted to pass on information to the lady of the house. They saw my mother here, or something, and thought to invite her to lady's functions, such as knitting groups and such. And they suggested, that if I needed help with things, that they would be willing to provide assistance through their husbands or other men. I offered them my number and suggested that if they need help, and can call a day or two in advance (or even stop by and check), that because I have no schedule, I would be willing to pitch in. I have forgotten to do that up to this point. Yes, yes... not much, but it is what I have to offer. And, who knows, perhaps they will find work for these idle hands. I might even learn something too. You know, a knock on my door might be all it takes to unlock what I am and can do... again. I once was a wonderful worker, hard, smart, dedicated, interested, and... once, long ago, able.

Well, time to shower and get on the road. I might do the dinner dishes though. Now that people are visiting, I had best keep on top of that. Later.

Still tinkering with the computer.

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I am not sure what went wrong. I do know, in the shop, he had both hard drives working. Now only one is working. I have tried various attachments, none seem to work on the bigger hard drive. So, I am about to try the attachment on the hard drive that is working on the hard drive that is not and go through another battery of trial and error. To be honest, I worry that this may kill the good hard drive, but such is the way of things. If all else fails, I will simply buy two more hard drives. I may be buying one already anyway. Wish me luck.

Oh, and I did get the last of the dishes washed and put away. I would love to make some oatmeal now, but since I did not make it into town, I have no milk. And, yes, I can be predictable about some things. Milk with oatmeal is a non-negotiable. On another matter, Sassy finally worked up the nerve to go out, slightly after Sam, on her own and without any intervention on my part. No milk plus a little more size makes her just a little more curious? Ah, but it is a good thing. She was the first to let me know she wanted in. Sam came home about a half an hour later. I do think, now, that Sassy has learned not to follow Sam. Smart kitty, if I read Sam as well as I think. *evil grins* (Hate those older/younger siblings sometimes, no?)

Well, back to spoding my machine. Later... Maybe much later. By the way... since I am still up, I may just try and make a day of it. It is a brutal thing, and often does not really help me reschedule, but... with the added pressure of wanting to be social... it might. Later, again...

Much done much to go.

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My plans hit a little snag... reality. The dishes, actually, took much more time to do than what I had anticipated. Part of the problem is that I have been cooking with and eating more cheese than usual. Well, cheese it seems, is not a pleasant or easy item to clean out off pots, bowls, plates, silverware, or... anything. And it gets everywhere. No worries, I enjoyed the cheese and I did get everything clean, finally. Well, cheese and that I had about 8 pots on top of everything else. No, not the little pots. The smallest pot I have is 8 quart. It is cute next to the big ones. I did set those to soak last not, putting down newspaper on my table for them to set upon while I soaked all the dishes I could fit in the sink. Of course, now I have more dishes to do as, after a good bit of work, I became very hungry. Those are now soaking and will be done, I think, before I go to bed.

Tomorrow will be the day for shopping, the computer shop if I cannot figure the problem out on my own yet tonight and I am just about to start on that, and shooting if the weather is good. Wait, scratch shooting. I still have not cleaned my guns. They all need more than a spit and shine, other than my .45 which is pristine at the moment. If I have energy after getting home, I will try to get to laundry. I have a ton of that to go through.

The visitors are what I needed. Actually, not just them but this last group was the main catalyst. People have been visiting and I have been meaning to visit the man who harvests the alfalfa. I sort of have a plan to visit some of these people, and to have my home in such order (regularly) to invite people in when they happen to knock. I really should not be embarrassed to let people in, but I currently am embarrassed. Who knows, maybe someone will simply visit, or stop by to see if I could lend a hand for a moment or longer, or such. None of that will become as natural and frequent if I am not able to welcome people in. Some people might be comfortable otherwise, and if it were ongoing construction in the middle of an already busy life that would be another thing too, but this is not that and I am not those people. For good or ill, this is a thing passed from mother to son, strongly. I think it is for the good. Just like my unwillingness to leave the house unbathed, even after only a single day.

So, it seems all I needed was a little push. Interaction with people is a wondrous thing. Especially people who are clearly share interests and are neighborly. In spite of my obvious state of being, they have all even been pleasant. This is... new to me. Even some of the people in Iowa City who where pleasant where merely looking for... something, anything. These people really are not. The back lot? But they were willing to pay for it. Imagine, offering to pay for something that really is no loss to me to offer. Yes, I live in a different place and I want to catch the wind. Which means a bit tidier abode. Plus, I want to start visiting some of these people with offers of food, a hand, or merely a bit of talk. Which reminds me... I need to start going to the post office when it is open. Hmmm, that might be incentive to begin my walks out to the lake. The weather is cool enough to be good and will soon be cold! Well, walking there in the winter might be a bit tricky. The road does close in quite a bit and is narrow as is. Snowshoes? Cross country skis? Hmmm...

Well... whatever. I am getting a fresh start. I may complain about women. And rightly darn it! But uhrm, that does not always mean all that much. Dogs bark. Still, they do something for men, even men who are not their own. Annoying. But I like how that whole thing works anyway. Well, a few searches on the internet, a looking over of the machine to see if I can get it to work, a few more dishes to finish off with a clean kitchen tomorrow, and then to bed I think. Good night, probably.

Visitors!

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I am still in my pajamas and have not fully awaken yet, let alone showered, but I received a knock on my door, then the doorbell. So, I ran and got my baseball hat, for some modicum of presentability, and answered the door. For some reason, here, I will answer the door even if I am in poor shape. I guess it is because I have real neighbors here. Neighbors I do not have to fear or kill. Three women were there and... had a question. Am I using my back lot, do I have any livestock? Well, no, not yet, not this year. Could they use it? Well, urhm, I am sort of leasing it to Paul for the alfalfa. This would not be problem, it is simply for a short period as their field is a bit wet and congested, so deteriorating, the main speaker says. Well, then, certainly! She offered rent, and I suggested for $3,000 a month, I would be all good... then chuckled. No rent, I insist. Not for neighbors.

The conversation could have ended there, but several topics came up. Goats, of which they have several (many?), and rabbits, and chickens. These folks, all of them, are... well... animal lovers! (Of the homesteading varietal.) So, we discussed these various things. Goats only need milked once a day (that is new to me). Rabbits are not quite the work that they might seem either, so I was told. And, reading about these things might be more of an issue than actually just doing, I am told. So... I now have a source of information and livestock, have met some of my neighbors, and will have some livestock in my back yard if temporarily. Neat. Oh, and they will be checking the fence to make sure it is good for their needs and improving if necessary! I suggested, if they need or want help, to try and contact me. I also suggested that it might be difficult, as my sleeping patterns are haywire, a thing I have been struggling with for into the third decade now, but I suggested I am worth the attempt if it is successful. (Yes, I do like to work, especially to learn or if someone else knows what they are doing and just needs a hand, though those sort of go hand in hand a bit.)

Good things do happen to bad people! Well, not bad, broken? Yeah. Then again, as I suggested to them, I chose this place, this city, and this state for a real reason. It is filled with real people. People living the way I am hoping to figure out how to live. People learning that wealth is in self-sufficiency, and that good things come to those who toil. I do probably need to get over my incessant notion that work needs to be Spartan in nature. Even the Spartans knew that, while I seemingly have missed a nuance or dozen in those ways. I did not tell them but believe the horrid make-belief riches of the city are banal, evil, ugly, polluted, harsh, and even often (usually) fatal in both fleshly and spiritual ways. I could not have been more correct in my assessments about this town, as I come to see more and more. Now to get off my bum and make use of the resources and offer my work to make it all work for myself and others. Yes, freedom is free, but you have to choose it. It is work, time, and effort, but you will be employing these no matter the case, even one such as me.

Just... an update. Now for dishes, a shower, and shopping. Later.

Out.

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Out of milk, food, and hard disk space so much so that I cannot even get my game to play. I had been able to trick the game into letting me on in spite of my memory issues, if I did have to deal with the occasional reboot every 2 to 3 hours of play. However, every Tuesday they do a patch of some sort which makes the program just a tad larger. Today's patch put the game just out of range. I cannot make milk or food, at least at this point, and my efforts to find and get my second hard drive going has been ineffective. Which means I need to leave the cave. I may go shopping tonight, I might even look for another hard drive and try to install it myself. Availability is the only real problem... whether I can find one or not. Of course, I could just check the hardware I have and make sure it is connected. Yeah, we will see. If I shop tonight, then taking the machine in is less of a stress, topped with shopping, tomorrow.

The cats have been begging for milk. I have been able to somewhat mollify them with their treat... the soft cat food. But they, and I, need milk! I still have canned tuna and chicken, but all other meats save for one mongo ribeye, is gone. Pasta is low, but I still have grains of various sorts. Though I am down to long brown rice, oatmeal, and cracked grains, the store that sells what I buy is not open at night so that will be a tomorrow thing.

A good thing, too. If I never needed to leave the house I simply might not ever do so. My difficulty is finding purpose, reasons strong enough to force me out. I have little connection with life at the moment, but my hunger is stronger than my detachment, or I am trying to make it so. And I enjoy giving the furry pests a treat of milk occasionally. The rewards are very good. If I cannot have people friends, Sam and Sassy can fill in to a degree.

I may just do dishes to start the night off. Then, treat myself to a large meal when I return. Perhaps more than a one pan special, too! Then again, even one pan specials often take two pans or pots the way I do things. Then again, if I do the dishes, all of them, I might just eat out as both a treat and a way to guarantee I will start fresh with a clean kitchen tomorrow. Yeah, that is more like it.

Later.

Stuck.

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For whatever reason, I am well and truly stuck. Appointments may have come and gone, and to be honest, I simply cannot track them. Letters and probably a phone call or two have been meant to remind me. Since I cannot figure life out, those mean little. Time passes and things happen. Very little has to do with me and I have very little means of altering that at this point. It has been a rough go.

I am continuing to try to eat more than I had been. And, for the most part, I am succeeding. I am eating once, sometimes twice, a day. Vegetables are being added a bit more regularly. I will have to do some shopping very soon though... and dishes. Sassy and Sam eat far better and much more regularly than I do. And their bathrooms get cleaned much more frequently as well. Then again, my bathroom does not need as much attention. I cleaned even my bathroom recently, mostly on a lark? Yeah, well, it did get the presidential treatment.

I am not sure how to break out of this. As I have said, and even if I am losing track of appointments and time, I do have memory and some decent function. The problem is I simply cannot get my leg back in the saddle to ride ahead on any number of things. So I sit. I do not stew, if I might grumble about this or that. For the moment, I am stuck. I have no clue how to begin again, either.

That is it for now.

Back to gaming.

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I always feel a little nervous when I have not played a game in some time. Two to three months, or more, is a long time. I usually get into the game and just... tinker doing little bits of nothing before diving in. Eventually, I get to the point where I begin to play. I choose a character I have had better luck with, as for survivability. And so it went. Unless you play World of Warcraft, you probably do not know what a warlock is. In game, it is a number of things, but mostly you might understand it as a good guy (can be bad though) who uses bad magic. After I leveled as much as I could with that character before rested experience bonuses ran out, I went to my rogue. Well, those characters are assassins, thieves, and dirty fighters. I also set up my druid (good guy with nature magic, give or take). The druid is my highest level character, and would be called on for raids. As well, that character can get items for the lower level characters, things which advance their leveling a great deal. I played that character, fearing I had lost my ability to heal. Healing and tanking (a particular warrior configuration) are the more difficult positions to play. After setting up an add-on which helps me cast healing much more easily, and tweaking that, I am back in the game if not back on top. That will take a little time. Still...

It is good to be back in the game. I had to reset everything, from skills to game add-ons to... everything. And with 10 characters, I am going through them, setting them up, then playing them one at a time. This will kill time and demand that I stay on top of things. I have to sort in game, choose what to keep, sell, or toss sometimes. The game changes often, and keeping on top of that demands some thinking, reconfiguring characters from traits to armor to weapons.

Now, I do have some difficulty playing. The man who fixed the machine did not get both hard drives back to availabilty, though I think that was a mistake. As I do believe he found that they both still work. I may tinker with that. If I cannot get it to work, I may have to take it back. As is, I only have 1.5 gb left on the one drive I have. This seems to be a problem for WoW, the machine, or both. The memory the game needs, or the RAM uses to help it, or something, stretches beyond a certain point and I get booted. The machine simply reboots itself. No major problems occur, but I could see where problems might build up or something. Such is life in a techy world.

Well, it is time to take the trash out and then go to bed. Good night... or... morning more like it.

On dogs and man.

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Watching a bit of tube while waking up this morning, I happened to flick to a channel I rarely if ever have watched. On it was a program concerning how dogs may have been domesticated. In the show, Russian scientists had collected a number of wild foxes. They breed the ones which, initially, showed little or no signs of aggression to man or fear of man. They kept breeding this way. After a few generations, those foxes became not just neutral, but interested in people. After fifty generations, their physical characteristics also changed, taking on forms more representative of... domestic dogs! To counter and test, they also bread the foxes that were the most aggressive toward people. In studies, at various points, they realized something. The difference, whatever the genetic realities, had a specific biological process in common. The difference was the production of adrenaline. I would almost bet, too, that if they looked, they would have seen a difference in testosterone. 

No, men are not animals. However, I would suggest that we have similar biochemical processes. Something I have noted, after looking over some personal genetic traits with various studies on the human genome, is a high probability that I am very "tolerant" to adrenalin, and testosterone. In other words, it does not affect me as deeply as it does most men. I have plenty of both, maybe too much, but my body does not have a common reaction to it. I do not become hyper aggressive, I can control that much more readily than John Doe. Actually, my increase in size along with having white aspects in my hair at an early age, both correlate with the notion, though there are other traits. Interestingly, the foxes were initially black. When they began being bread for civility, their fur also began to go white. 

Hey, just... kicking around ideas. 

 Anyway, if this is all a given, there is one more step. Most people who go through trauma can come back from it. They, like all problem people, have to hit bottom. Perhaps my reaction to these biochemicals simply does not allow me to hit bottom. I end up sleeping or staying awake longer periods as my body does not know how to deal with the elevated doses or crashing down from that. It is all just speculation, but it does have some merit.

When one is poor of sleep...

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One has little choice but to be rich in thought. Too bad it does not actually pay. Thought alone is not easily monetized. Well, I have not found a way. Some consistent action and probably leveraging finances are required. Not being able to be awake on a regular schedule and not really having an education which would allow me to find problems, whether known or not, and solve them in the good time I do have, is most of the problem. Only if I had that and did that would I then be potentially need to be seek investment capital. So, my thoughts are about what I do know, or understand, or deal with regularly.

I have dug, more recently, more deeply into an issue that has caused me to think, and often, in the past. I have seen people in situations similar to mine become downright dangerous to society. I have also seen such people become truly insane, unable to cope with their situation. Then again the medications they put some people on do as much damage as any mental illness or situational problem or physical illness ever could too. Many others self medicate and become one or the other of those as well. Now, I am not fit as a fiddle. I am not functional or involved. I lose time I do not have doing less than snails even on their short days. But I am neither insane, broken completely, or addicted to drugs. Heck, I cannot even stay well and truly addicted to games! Bah, some boring statistic I turned out to be.

I have been looking at this since my recent posts. I really am shattered. My personality is scattered, as if a plane crashed over a field. There are aspects of me everywhere, but not in the form I was born, raised, or even became as a young man. Strong headed and humble can tumble out like they were the same thing. Thinking, caring, and oblivious will bundle into some kind of package the next moment. On it goes, confusion wrapped in mystery surround by uncertainty in a field of the mundane. Further, I actually do like people, if groups of them and strangers give me slight or more pause. Imagine looking at your mind, personality, and emotional moment viewed in a mirror that is shattered and yet remains suspended. I simply cannot get a fix on who or what I am, if I have been sure to be safe. First to others and then to myself.

I cannot explain why I have come through this, considering, in such good shape. I am glad for it. I really see how it could be worse. I have seen far worse. Perhaps my sense that God was calling, and that I wanted to answer, is what saved me. Perhaps I was merely gifted by God, though I do not think He works that way, except in the round about way that doing one's best to do His will leads to better things. Then again, is not faith itself a gift? Complications, toil, trouble, and all, I find no answers, only more questions. I have been here before, if not quite as deeply. Until I moved to Utah, I could not be coherent for so long. If I did seem to function before, I could not put the moment before, the current moment, and the one to come together... in memory or cohesive thought, and often.

I do see, much more plainly, that there is probably no way to fix this. School could not do it. Though if I could afford to go, without worrying about employment, I would enjoy it. A class here, a lecture there, a lab there, maybe even acting or music lessons, all these would enrich my life, when and if I could attend at any given moment. Stress, of course, hurts. And yet as I was becoming able to overcome the stresses, I was improving... until they started messing with high blood pressure medicine. Though, I see clearly now, I could never have made it to employment. I am simply too tired or too not tired to ever run on a regular schedule.

I do know, if I had turned to crime, I probably would have become a vigilante. At one time I hated those who escaped punishment, especially those who escaped it because of a technicality. I have since amended that to simply terribly disliking the injustice of it. I suppose that is why, to a greater degree, I see Hannibal Lecter as a bit of a hero... and Batman. Fictional, I am sure, but all fiction is based upon something. Notions, my friends, are real. Ideas are more real than the bodies we inhabit. We can die, they cannot. I suppose I finally decided that hate only killed me, no matter how I wrangled it. And, so, over time, I have slowly, begrudgingly at times, released hatred. And without the force of hatred, I could not move from anger to killing.

But why I did not shatter in such a manner that I would not have a choice? I think... now that I write... that it was that I shattered over a long period of time. My childhood set the stage and the Navy, if the final act, only set in motion what I had subconsciously seen coming for a long time. No small taps, there and then, but definitely the final ones. I was able to see and... freeze the things which I did not want, even if I could not change the outcome in most other ways. Perhaps. I still wonder.

Oh well, I will wonder until I die. I will not even bother God with the question if I might find the answer anyway. I am actually pleased to know life, some intricacy regarding love and joy and even tears and pain and malice and strife. I am saddened by my inability to join with the rest of the raindeer, yet that I can enjoy my little lot in life is enough. I am pretty sure I will not find a wife and then begin a family, but I have a whole world as my family. No, I will not hold a grudge to heaven and to God. I will, merely, wonder. And I will never... quite... give... up. Hrrumph!

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time? Yeah, that.