Better.

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I won't say I'm clearing hurdles yet.  I did reset the dishes and am hoping to get them dried and put away shortly.  Then a shower, a load of laundry, and some cleaning... whatever I can get done.  I still have a minor headache, but this is more of a normal one.  If it has anything to do with the bug, it is remnants of the fight.  The bug is dead, long live the bug.  But between starting medicines and my body cleaning up and slowly backing away from the bug fight, a minor headache is to be expected.  Definitely not at the top of my game.  Just better than I have been in weeks, at this moment.

I do have a light list of things to do.  Some reading offered for thought, a bit more cleaning, getting the lawn some water tomorrow, and figuring out my next steps.  I will have to work up to doing anything bigger, but I think I will be able to slowly start working again.  There might even be a social call coming up, or two.  One is more important.  And shopping.  I am out of milk, cream, and some other stuff.  Thawing some meat, too.  Just a bit.  I need to start eating again. 

It is hot out there, and I am a bit sensitive to it for a while.  The fever was like a sunburn, it makes all other sources of heat a bit more noticeable, uncomfortable.  If I can get the hoses set up earlier in the morning though, and set to run in the evening after the sun goes down, that might be good enough.  Medicine will help, after a little bit of abuse for missing it.  It will slow me down for a week or two, which is fine, I guess, as things stand.  Without a garden to worry about, I can, maybe, stick to cleaning and doing repairs, maintenance, and construction this summer.  Rest, and maybe get out this winter, and save for the kitchen floor in the spring.

Plans are great.  Sometimes they work, sometimes they hit the wall of reality and... you get what you get.  And yet it is worth the effort to plan.  It gives fallback positions, opens opportunities, and seems to smooth life out, good or bad.  So I will continue to plan, doing what I can, when I can, and... enjoying what of it works out, rescheduling the rest.  Later.

No friends, allies, tribe?

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True.  By blood, family, state, or faith, I have never been on anyone's side.  No, this isn't because I am special, for good or ill.  It was simply the truth of my walk from boy to man.  Not one race, not in a single family, not one faith, and through some divides not even of one single nation, or even two.  Do remember, Indians are each a nation unto themselves through legal strictures. 

It isn't that I am disloyal.  It isn't that I didn't want a home.  It is merely that I am what I am, who I am, and how I have become those things.  A child of God in that I have walked a walk He Himself has alluded He walked.  On the upside I have had the freedom to choose my home.  After many years at sea, looking at all of the things, places, and people I could choose, I started at the start.  God.  Both the Alpha and Omega.  I saw truth in Him.  I simply needed to see if that truth was right, enough, believable.  Quite a row to hoe with no connections or certainty. 

Reading.  The bible, and any other source that tried to put order to the matter of God.  People, radio, the occult, myth, legend, lore, all have bits of it.  Having been a seeker of these things for most of my life, that input went into the gathering.  Time was spent, effort, prayer.  First things first.  Identifying what God says He is, and deciding if I believed what He suggested, was first.  Once you see the patterns, to within your ability... then decide if you can abide that as true... if you decide it is true, then you begin to look for His pattern as a teaching.  And, so, I did.  That was my first home. After that, you begin to look for regions, of flesh, where that is more keenly lived.  And so it was.

I am still alone.  Even in my various homes.  Many are there because that is where they were born or surrendered.  That alone makes me outcast.  And yet, I think I am seen as a believer.  As faithful.  Just to God above men and our ways.  A bit of a quirk.  Again, don't blame me, or praise me.  I only had the roads that were available, the tools I was given, if all does come from God, all are not given the same.

I am no longer fearful.  I am not alone.  And while I may be wrong from time to time *cough*, God is a very gracious Father.  I am home, if sometimes, seemingly, alone.  It is I who will pray for you.  If you ever know one ounce of what I have, should you be flayed alive you won't worry.  You are always home, in any state, in any condition, at all times.  Go home.  Amen.

Yeah? I have had worse.

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Going back on medicine is more achy than the flu.  I am almost sure the flu, or whatever virus, has left the building.  The aches I'm going through are typical medicine start up aches and no fever or other symptom.  Timed that just right.  Who wants to ever feel better!  Actually, this summer has been pretty good.  My garden, and flowers, are gone.  My lawn is in dire straights, I still have a faucet, then whole bathroom to fix.  And a thousand other things on the menu.  Next year?  The watering system goes in first.  THEN I put plants in.  But if I don't have something in by May?  Forget about it.  The season is simply too short to fuss.  I suppose the next thing for me to do is take the drip feed system down, and pack it in until next year.

That will lift some stress and demand, and a whole failing set of projects off my shoulders.  Perhaps that will help me to kickstart something else.  I think, the next thing I am hoping to work out, is the mess of a cave I am living in.  An attempt to get back to some semblance of humanity.  I was starting summer fairly well.  The shows aren't what brought me down.  I was stumbling well before that.  I had hoped they would give me some... directed down time.  And I suppose they did.  But there simply hasn't been a way back up since.  Going off, and slipping on, medicines, for a while now.  As I said though, is it medicines, or illness, that lobs the first shell over the bow?  I'm leaning toward illness being the culprit this time.

Whine.  I do.  Or so it might seem.  Truth is, these are just the facts.  What I am doing is, clearly and precisely taking a look and my realities so I can assess where I need and want to go and how I can get there.  It seems rather like being in a life-vest... somewhere a dozen miles from shore, heading out to see, far from the shipping lanes.  It's the way it's been for a very long time though.  It's 2014?  Hmm... since 1987, I believe.  That's not when it all finalized, just when I started seeing the signs that something bigger than my consciousness and will was wrong, and with me.  It was coming for me and I had no way to escape, or defeat, it.  And it wasn't even until 2010-11 until I knew what all was involved.  It could be worse.  There are people who really don't know, perhaps can't.

I may have mentioned, I set up a new anti-virus program on my system.  Since it tends to completely gobble resources on this old system, I have set it up to ask me before it hiccups or farts.  It completely ignores.  I really do hate these punk nose programmers who think they will defend my machine at all costs, ignoring my input.  That's the same type of hubris that hackers have, and, essentially, they are using the same tools to "defend".  Essentially, and beyond, they are no more trustworthy than who they face.  Just as likely they are picking up data and selling it, just like hackers.  It's only a dog eat dog world when everyone is a dog.  As is the case with computer security and hackers.  Both just want the data to themselves.

Later.

Sleep helped.

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Chilled well enough.  I actually feel fairly good as long as I can keep cool enough.  After waking I have just done a bit of research on some minor things and blogged.  I did remember to call and cancel a visit.  I hate when I forget to inform then have to deal with the consequences.  I notice that as I have done things, my temp has slowly increased.  It's not just popping up, so I have a bit before needing to chill.  All good.  I have definitely had worse.

I'll probably set the dishes to a hot rinse, play a game for a bit, dry the dishes, and then might well need to go back into the chill box.  I have to be a bit careful of cooling off too fast.  The chills are as bad as the heat.  Adding a bit of blanket here, kicking off part or all there, tending the feet, it's a bit of work but the payoff is there.  As long as I don't fall too far into either extreme, or even let extremities suffer, I seem to be doing okay.  Actually I think this is the best flu-ish illness I have ever had.  Usually, since I only get them occasionally, they seem to be extreme when I do get them.  And virulent, so I keep people away.  I'll probably be better tomorrow night.  I mean done with it, completely.  I wish I could have thrown the viral infection that wasted my heart off as easily.

The shingles, chicken pox recurrence really, just isn't in the same league.  I do wonder if the shots they gave might have caused that to flare.  They shoot us up with more stuff than you can imagine when going overseas.  And, usually, it's good.  There will always be a few bad reactions in the batch.  I had it before we were actually aboard, so it wasn't from the close quarters stuff that pops on subs about a month into tours.  Though I doubt if that helped. No worries.  After everyone settled a bit, and accepted that there was a problem, things have been handled as well, I suppose, as could be expected.  Which, of course, is why I don't trust doctors.  They really don't know and don't always do a good job of finding the real problems.

Just a minor headache creeping in, but less than my occasional, sort of off to the side.  No complaints here, a good sign that whatever it is, it's working it's way through.  Later.

So it goes.

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After drinking a half gallon of iced water, then laying in the cooled bedroom, I did cool off.  Then got the chills, bad.  So... I'm trying to get rid of that out in the heat.  I can tell there is some real fever, that is isn't just an expression of angst.  My eyes, in more ways then one, it's the eyes.  When sick, ill from something, they get wonky around the edges of the eye lids.  As if the heat of my body has dried them out, even more than normal.  Tear glands don't seem to work as they should either.  So there is some sort of that.  But that isn't all of it.  I am sure of that.  A few days and I'll be better.

I have definitely had worse.  No running nose, changing from hot to cold seems to handle some of the discomfort.  I don't have a headache, or migraine.  My appetite is fine, no nausea or upset.  But the fever and chills can be intense, but not dangerous.  No cooking of eggs on my forehead.  I do need to focus on staying hydrated though, above all else, if it's the only thing I do.  Another half hour and back into the chill.  This time I will cover up first, a bit.

Later.

Burning.

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Not sure if it is a fever, or just the heat.  I turned the ac on, and set the fans to help.

Nah, that isn't working.  I just stood in front of the ac.  Yeah, no.  It's me.  A bit of flu, a bit of other.  All the furnaces inside are on.  Pain opens some doors, closes others.  I bet looking at me, standing in front of the ac, with a thermal viewer, would cause the viewer to lift an eyebrow, or two.  And scoot.  Burning hot.

Rough.

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Yeah.  I got back on medicines then something just slipped.  As I have said, whether it is medicine or general health that slips first is a question that simply doesn't have an answer.  It might even be one, then the other.  All I know is that I have missed meds for a few days.  Oh, don't be silly.  Imagine just giving severely ill or injured patients their medicines in the hospital and expecting them to take them correctly.  When I am ill, I am that ill.  When I am healthy it works.  It's not irresponsibility, just reality.  I'll start them up again tonight.  Then again, I'm not sure if what is wrong is missing medicines or... simply illness.  The medicine is rather potent, mind you.  But so is the sickness.  I'll start up and try to focus on taking them.

I am going to kick out the dishes tonight.  And maybe run a load of laundry through, or two.  Then rest.  A nap, probably.  Sleep has been good, just not restful.  I wake up tired and never quite break out of that.  I do get eight hours, or more, now.  I think I am making up for lost sleep watching the shows.  Probably a bit of withdrawal after watching the last one.  I think there were some I didn't watch, either because the sound track or video was incomplete.  I learned, at that site, that you can look use other feeds... it is a collection of video offerings, of the same program.  Sort of like seeing the same show, but on different channels.  I may go back and review some of the ones I didn't get to see, but... not right away.  A nugget for later, like how squirrels hide nuts for the winter.

Oh, I might thaw some meat, too.  It's been a while since I have eaten rightly.  I really should eat at least a meal a day.  Two if I can fit in a snack or such.  Hmm... I do have hotdogs.  The pack I opened I left out, so it is gone.  But I bought several packs.  I just hope the buns are still good.  I rarely eat bread of any type, but hotdogs and hamburgers are the exception... or if I am in a restaurant that actually hand makes it.  The girls have been begging but their hunger has become a bit too demanding.  I think Sassy knows when I am on the fringes.  I used to feed her way to much because she knew how to trick me out of it.  I am being cautious with that.  Besides, I know they have hard cat food and fresh water.  I'd rather have her be a bit hungry than three pounds overweight.  Or more, she is already at least a couple of pounds heavy in the Chevy.  :)  Ah well, I think it's about time.  Have you ever been meow berated by a cat?  Yeah, it's time.

Later.

Thoughts.

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I'm not going to bother... notating.  Take what you will or want.  Part of why I dig so deeply.  Search.

More sleep.

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It took an hour or two to go back down.  I almost didn't.  I knew I needed it so I kept sleep on the itinerary and it worked out.  For the first time in... a while I feel rested.  My body, muscles and bones feel rested from disuse.  But my mind was cracking under the pressure of watching, considering, and being awake too long for so long.  Well and sorting and discarding the liberal tripe that is found in all such material these days.  That part of life is exhausting, every day.  Another day of good rest and I might be able to figure some things out.  But it is hot out there, during the days, so work out there is going to be brutal.  It just is.

I don't know if my garden yet lives.  That might be a bust this year.  I'll at least check tomorrow.  And I might tinker in the garage just a bit.  I want to sand the benchtop just a bit before doing some other things.  I could do that and I might be able to then attach some things, and put some more pegboard pieces up, and fit a few other things.  That and some dishes and laundry, plus a call about the faucet hopefully.  Well, that's the goal.

For now I need to wake.  I can't remember some things.  Being locked into something as I was, the world sort of melts around me.  Weeks have passed, but it seems like a lifetime has gone on around me.  Rust and cobwebs in the noodle.  I have had dreams do that, believe it or else, on a single night.  I have literally lived whole lives in dreams.  And I have literally pseudo slept for months, even a year once.  Both have rescheduled all of my designs.  So I have had worse, and to much worse ends, and with no gain.  So... I'll figure this out and work on things.

I still laugh at the notions I am getting.  Feedback.  I know I am not always appreciated.  Especially when I seem to go off the rez, and in directions or areas which seem specious, unpalatable, or too foreign or uncomfortable.  As I might have suggested, God's design is flawless.  But it also means walking alone, in it, sometimes.  At least He gave me the juice to... cope.  Never worry.  I don't wish to be alone, I just am.  Mostly.  A woman or two has been able to walk with me, for a bit.  But it is bloody hard.  At least I understand, now, finally.  I just can't escape myself.  And... God is always here.  I knew that even when I tried to walk away from Him.  He has... handled much worse.  He can take it.

Now to wake.  Later. 

Done and done.

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The shows, that is.  I just finished the series this morning.  I suppose one could call it gorging.  And maybe it was.  I needed physical rest, then became slightly addicted.  While I did push sleep, I did get inactive rest.  I can't seem to rest completely, or work or play all that much either.  Suffer one way or the other, it's just the way it goes.

That may be the first series of shows I have ever, for sure, watched completely.  They offer... fodder for thought.  Much of it, of course, can be left on the table without any consideration.  Some of it... offers plaster for a few cracks in theories.  Not that they matter, actually, even if they were correct.  But I collect lore, myth, and such like others collect... whatever people collect.  Useless, mind you.  A form of wealth, however, that none can steal, tax, ruin.  Death gets it, I am sure.  But it adds to some things.  An odd tale, a bit of lore, an enhanced understanding of some possibilities.

Plus, just sticking with it?  It seems a little thing, perhaps a foolish thing.  But as I suggest, I needed physical rest harshly.  I pushed, and keep pushing, this summer.  I knew I had to take a break.  My body wasn't giving me much of a choice.  And yet I pushed even then.  I guess I liked trying, and succeeding, that push.  Now to get back to some tasks, if I might have to work my way back up to it all.  Visitors, recently, told me what day and the date.  I have been down for a bit, I see.  Well... back to the other grinder... after a nap.

Later.

Music.

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Some of it, musically, is... well... icky.  Girl stuff, really.  Girl cooties never quite go away, the notion of them.  Yeah, sure, I've certainly gotten over the third grade notion of it, just not all of it.  What they like to eat, their invasion of personal space, and... some other things.  Still, sometimes it takes a woman to say some things in a certain way.  Men don't have the tongue for it.  Some men have tongue, some men have tears, none quite have that heart.  Trust me.  Well...  Some of the music may be more, or less, entertaining.  Depending on if some cat *cough* likes umbrellas in his drink.  All I'm sayin'.  *laughs*  Some of it is better.  None of it is quite the stuff that makes my mojo rock.  Fair warning.