They don't understand.

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Oh... I get that.  I didn't understand, once, at once, and more.

We all want to be right.  And, should we live in grace, we can live well... or even not such as me but... yet... live well even in our limits.  We may even live so well we may wish to require others to live rightly.  It... seems reasonable.  It... isn't.  Until He kills the mercy, mercy is required.

Mercy, patients, and other things.  Beyond us?  Such is living in a world of sin, especially if we reject this world.  Then again, if we reject this world as even Christ did, this is not his kingdom.  If it were?  If it were, there are none who could have kept His people from stopping His crucifixion.  He said it Himself.

A good, if strange, sleep.

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Down late.  I had trouble making it to 18:30, then couldn't go down until 23:30 to 00:30?  Something.  If I miss one window, another might not arrive for a while.  Sleep has been wonderful, since I have bedding sorted, washed, set up better, and am dressing a bit more warmly on top of it.  Fewer creaky aches, from cold knees, and else from cold feet or arms.  Life is better that way.

I don't know if you remember the struggle, relearning to sleep on the floor?  Oh, that was brutal.  But, it has proven well worth it.  I suppose, as we get older, learning or relearning things is... difficult.  Especially when a bit of comfort seems to be being surrendered.  Now, it is so comfortable to sleep on the floor.  Plus, waking and getting up keeps strength of some sort a bit more accessible.

The ducks were let out first thing.  I had to break a plate of ice, perhaps three quarters of an inch thick, and remove it from the pool this morning.  Even so, Thor hopped in for a bath this morning.  Henry, after.  Herc and several of the ladies bathed last night, but it was a lot warmer last night.  Those ducks have... brass clankers... with heaters in them.  :)

Since the breeds are separating, and slightly territorial, I am putting out two pans of food in the morning.  And, to get them out of the hutch quicker, I combine the food into one, at night, then cover the pan with food with the pan without food, so they can't eat.  But put that in with them, to keep mice out.  It mostly works.  As the muscovys eat mice, if they can see and catch them.  Yum!  Okay, not quite my idea of gourmet, but I am happy to let them do them.

The girls have had a snack.  Next I'll do their litter, then feed them more righteously.  Sassy is sitting on the back of my chair, letting me know... it's time.  Like a girlcat vulture!  Sam has yeowled.  Though, that might be because it is too cool?  Right.  I will turn the heat up, get their litter cleaned... been doing very well with that lately, then feed them canned food.  Makes them quite happy, and sleepy.

Oh, right, the night... inside of the pleasant sleep.  In music, as usual.  If the first one is too scary for you, the next two... one... should be okay.  The last one is... prophetic?  If you know fear and not faith, avoid the first and last.  Maybe.  Hmm... perhaps skip the music altogether.  Yeah, without faith, fear will eat you, and these will too.

Almost 03:00.

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Bedtime was... 15:00, or later.  How much later I have no idea.  I meant to look, once I got upstairs, for an exact number.  I got in, tucked, and crashed before I could even remember.  The notion crossed my mind, that I had meant to do that, as I was blanking.  But... at that point, which was almost instantaneous anyway, was neither a call or regret, only a soft, blurry, memory of a thought from earlier.

I woke a few times.  Softly.  I dreamed the deaths of a few people.  One, a woman, I have met through locals.  Not a potential or anything, just... a family or family friend.  I... she was negotiating.  It wasn't her time, she said.  She had things to do.  Her family!  Ultimately, she didn't want to die.  There were responses.  I am not sure death can or will give more time.  I don't know... how that ended.  If... I suspect she died.

The other was a fellow, out, going fast.  On a motorcycle?  in a car with the windows down?  Something.  At this time of year?  Well, anyway, he... didn't do well.  Ice patch?  Bump in the road?  It... wasn't going to go well, in any way.  He didn't speak, things were happening too fast.  But he resisted death with all his might.  Again, I don't know the conclusion.

Was I death, or merely with him?  I wasn't in this form.  When we see people, they appear as ghosts to us.  Like the Nazgul, in the movies.  That is, when we even notice you, which isn't all the time.  This world of flesh is tainted, insubstantial even to the spiritual, for the sin that abides here.  When you are fully connected back with your soul, and back in perfected flesh, then will we know each other as we could.  Though... there are... questions.

Who would need war, or death, or famine, or else, beyond the veil?  Still... I am almost certain God says we will have a place.  As Pinocchio... an unreal, but willed and servile child, given form, then purpose, then finally life?  I can't say.  I only know it would be... a thing.  I have greater faith in God than I do in my doubts.  There is that.  Though, either way, I would serve to my end, grateful for the opportunity to be a part of the means of Truth.  Aye.

Oh, but this wasn't my brother, the rider.  This was an angel, I do believe.  The one who ends men at their time.  Thanatos, or the death women?  I don't think so.  Oddly, I believe there are various aspects who present death to man.  To the damned, the death they deserve... not in pain, necessarily.  Rain will fall on the roofs of the houses of all men.  But... the death one gets comes from where you are going.  Until the Apocalypse.  That... is a different form altogether.  The words means different things, if the ends are similar.  In the Apocalypse, death is more often a gift than a curse.  As with the angel of death.  If rarely seen that way.

Hmm... that lot of work makes me hungry!  Don't hate me.  Trust me, the options are... far worse.  A grace, even if a coup de grace.  I'll have to get to breakfast, then a shower, before long.  Good morning and day.  Later.

Whisperings.

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I can sometimes hear, see, know.  Sometimes just see, or hear and see, or know but none of the others.  I don't get to choose.  It's as if... either I am seeing beyond my allowance, or if things aren't supposed to be fully known, or prevented, yet?  Whatever the case, I receive plenty of material in any case.  As mentioned, usually I can't see about me.  Or... not me, as you know me.  Even that is scant.

Wow, what a temperature climb.

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Between 08:30 and say 10:15 it went from 35 to 60.  The sun is out, but it's often out... lately... for now.  It must be the air.  Something warm was brought in and has sorted the season a bit.  I turned the furnace to 72, even so.  I had a fatted coffee.  But, you know what?  I am having a lot of trouble getting going.  Just... keeping my eyes open is a heck of a task.

I have things to do!

I played a game, Doom, of... course?  I have had it for months, since it came out.  It seemed too difficult, initially.  Old.  I am getting old.  It is somewhat difficult, but that is written into the game.  No one wants to play a game that isn't challenging, or seem to not get better, so they create the environment from very difficult to later being much easier.  The stuff you get in the game doesn't do that much improving.  It is simply written to be easier because of certain finds.  Like it or not, that is how games work now.  They are trying to bring in people who can't play well.  It kills my interest on many games.  Assuming it isn't even more severely woke broken anyway.

I realized, while sleeping, that it is over.  There isn't an America anymore.  Of course, what others are busy rebranding had just become a commercial commodity anyway.  They are selling it, now, to whoever will buy it and play by the new rules.  No complaining, no sassing elites, just do what you are told.  Whites, and those similar, are no longer included as elites and will be replaced.

A lot of locals don't realize.  In time, they will be setting up replacement camps, for the new people, even in small towns.  They have pretty much destroyed Europe that way.  It is coming here.  If you want a job, government anything... even when that is supposed to be what it was there for, education, etc, you have to be in line.  Even banking and other commerce requires acceptance that you are allowed, not a customer anymore.  They have to power to shut you out.

A bon mot?

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Requested.

Proffered.

I don't believe the hour is now.  But that could change.  It would need to become much more lethal, quickly.  Well, and a thousand other things, plus peace and... more.  Assuming the numbers we are being given are accurate.  Somehow, even in the States, I think they are dumping bodies and chasing down people with lethal precise accuracy.  Will never know the real numbers or truth.

Or?

No sleep.

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In spite of excess sleep, I wanted more.  I wanted sleep almost since waking.  It just wasn't possible.  Is it mind versus body?  Does spirit take a side?  The body said not just no, but hell no.  The mind hurts.  It has a strange weariness.  Medicine, of all sorts, are going in rightly, if roughly.  Probably to negative effects for now.

I have been eating.  Showering every other day, if more would be better.  When meds shut my body down, things don't work well.  Still, I have limits.  The ducks are only getting one tending a day.  It's what I can do.  The cats get more, usually.  They have strangely become patient with me.

Not much else I can say.  Have a good weekend.  I am attempting to get sleep, medication, and paperwork on track.  Good night and Godspeed.

Heated pork on crisp salad.

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With ranch dressing, mostly.

It doesn't always have to be fancy.  Often it can't be.  Still, that was fancy enough.  The dressing wasn't as strong as hoped, but not bad.  I may add a bit more spice.  I ended up eating the whole steak, but it had a large bone in it, and was only a quarter on an inch thick.  Delicious.  Blood sugar is slightly elevated, but 111 is doable.

I have only eaten twice.  So only two doses, smaller ones.  I am trying to ease back on the sticks, but still hitting it a bit stronger.  While I didn't use 25 cc's of the slow acting, I split the difference between that and 20.  Moderation while leveraging back from a mistake.  In part due to financial uncertainty.

Oh, and aha!  I finally found out why mineral high carbon steel has been such a dismal failure.  Stainless without non-stick?  All the time.  Cast?  Absolutely.  Just not these pans.  I tried so many ways.  I even tried seasoning them in the oven, then using them on the stove.  I was starting to take it personal.  Here is why.

Something is very off.

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I crashed again.  I am not sure... hmm, actually I did a read right before going back to bed, to make sure it wasn't a blood sugar dip I wasn't sensing.  It says 11:10, so up to ten minutes after.  I am woke at 18:30, so a full night's sleep.  It has been dark.  That might be it.  And it is already sundown at this time.  So... yeah, it's a seasonal adjustment phase.  Ugh.

I did get blood sugar to 148 earlier.  A quart of milk did that, as popcorn doesn't really move the dial.  At waking, blood sugar is 109 fasting.  Crazy.  With sleep crashing in as it is, I may have to just peg taking slow acting insulin at a specific time of day, say between 17:00 and 19:00, unless I will be sleeping... adjusting as necessary.  It gets screwy when time gets lost in sleep though.

Fresh tea is brewing.  The last of the pudding will be had, or nearly?  Probably makes for or five half cup servings.  With a few nuts or seeds, it makes a reasonable side.  And it is nice to have chocolate that doesn't shred keto and diabetes.  Halloween candy wouldn't have been so nasty if I had found this first.  I'll bet they have vanilla and butterscotch too.  I am not fond of butterscotch, but... even my diet isn't all about me? Right.  You don't have to understand, if every mother who cooks for a family does.

A side ache?  As if gassy?  The world is a dark, strange, place.  My dreams were... not good.  Prophetic.  I won't share though.  No use.  Americans have decided their fate.  No words will change the collective suicide of a people.  What does surprise me is how so many will be so surprised when they finally realize what has happened.

Later.

Do you remember?

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It was written, when foxes visit...  It is time.  The temple is to be rebuilt.

Odd what is remembered, in what order.

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Not by me, unless as an after affect?  Something.  What others recall.  Digging, but never saying a thing.  Quietly strumming through the chords of Doom, playing songs and writs with purpose.  With hope, in faith, charitably?  I... think there are such involvements.  Perhaps not directed at me.  Fine.  As a guitar, guitarist, or one man band, some might confuse the song for the singer.  A good song is beyond any singer.  The humble singer is happy to not be the focus.  I am not even the singer, or story, just maybe a bit player.

Absolutely bizarre.

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Six hours after my only dose of insulin... I had meant to dose after reading 197... without food or sweetener, my blood sugar reads 95 or a 102 point drop.  That after dropping only seven points over two hours and goodly change after a hefty dose of insulin.  I am suspicious that this isn't fast acting insulin.

I don't mind the read.  I was prepping a meal before I realized to check.  That will make sure it doesn't drop too much more.  Sardines, eggs, and bacon.  I really need to get to the grocery store.  I don't mind eggs daily, but twice a day.  So far so good, but I don't wish to push it.  Good sardines are easy to eat.  Better are better.  The best, as what I have, are a treat.

Well goodie.

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A few hours in and a forty eight point drop in blood sugar.  If even at 133 it would be better lower.  A nearly double fatted coffee for now.  Eggs and bacon next, after I finish then wait three hours.  I have ingredients for a keto bread, charcoal back in stock, and thawed burger and ground lamb.  At least a few burgers would be good.  As well, chicken thighs...  This time, other than a few warm, I plan to pull the meat and make chicken salad.  I have various keto breads I want to try.

Odd.  The thermometers all read between 70 and 71 F.  Which, for me, has been, traditionally, hot.  At least that has been on the early edge of insufferable... underwear season.  Here I sit, with socks, heavy pj tops and bottoms, and of course unders, nearly shivering?  Must be lower bp and blood sugar.  Even the 181 read is far below my 200s~400s typical ranges.  I suppose I am becoming even more humanish.  Not my favorite side effect, but it couldn't be happening at a most propitious time.

Well, on to something.  So chilly, though.  And yet I don't want to turn the furnace up... then again as cool as I am, I'm not sure even 178 would help... it's a cold deep in the bones.  Ah!  An extra top and bottom layer.  Simple, really, but who ever imagines summer and layering?  Groovy, baby.

Oh, a young one is getting married today.  I do pray for that all.  And... a small thought. Hunters we are.  But the best hunter needs to understand there are far better hunters out there.  Know your limits, know your place, good fortunes, and go get em'!  Just... dog, cat, mix, match, it isn't what it seems.  *grins*

Such... thoughts.

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The videos or music populates, the puzzle pieces begin to fit, and even exhausted out of my gourd, it all still... becomes a representation of... a thought, a chain of them.  Art?

She is... playing a dangerous game.

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I think she is beginning to... grok.  Believe?  That comes with time.  Seeing that the Devil isn't Lucifer, and doesn't, can't, go low?  It's a start.  Now to retrieve her?

Awake, hoping to get to work.

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Down around 16:30, up at 2:00 or so.  It was a struggle to stay awake that late and to wake.  The body is good, it's the mind that is tired.  Fasting blood sugar was 147.  Higher than hoped but below the running averages.  The general average is now below before and after meal averages, and the after meal average is lower than the before meal average?  Weird but true.  Then, I have noticed, eating the right foods does lower blood sugar a lot if after a rather slight upward bump.  Still, it seems so strange.

I am soaking 'cereal'.  I plan to heat it this morning, for the first time.  Along with a few cold hard boiled eggs and a hot fatted tea, it should do well.  Later, boiled mixed meat burger patties, with cheese and steamed carrots.  I think I am out of cabbage or similar.  I need to shop.  Kale, cabbage, mushrooms, salad fixings, perhaps a few other such.  I need to research which olive oils are real.  Many seem to be mixes of real, but with sun or safflower, canola, or other unhealthy oils.  As well, I'd like to see about larger, locally available, avocado oil.  Look, the stuff seems to work.

And odd thing.  I have been practicing layering this year.  Base layers, mid layers, top layers, even sock combinations.  All to include dry and wet wear and materials.  A recent find was that cotton socks under wool socks was extremely warm.  Far too warm for inside with a furnace going.  Now, with cotton being poor when wet, worse than poor, it would be no good in snow or rain.  However, in camp, dry and sheltered, I do believe it would be exemplary.  I only tried it to be contranarian.  Good to go against the grain at time.

Beside getting back to work today, I am going to brew bone broth.  I have decided to continue fasting, next time this Thursday or Friday to Sunday or Monday.  I want to try bone broth during the fast, though definitely want it for after.  Plus I want it for gravy and soups.  After the beef and lamb, I will make chicken stock.  Oh yes, the stuff is quite good, and for you.

It always sounded a bit... witchy... bone broth.  Probably because it was usually poor, half crazy, widows who most often consume it.  Odd how I have no real financial depravity, but culinary and health reasoning.  Makes me take a second gander at other long held notions, about other topics... me pretties!  Hehehe  *cackles* :P

Breakfast time.  Good morning and day.

The darkness and light, always blue.

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Ask and you shall receive?

Long naps.

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Being cold and dark I'll take what control over sleep I may garner.  No easy way through.  I may have thirty to forty years left, but it'll be a slippery slide down a water shoot rather than a dignified organized exit strategy.  Then again, nothing different from the last thirty years.

The hutch were not opened up, but the fowl have been fed, and water refilled yesterday.  A change of their water pan, and cleaning of the one currently in us, tomorrow, and some work in their pen... plus putting the rest of the cage shelving together.  No more of that will go in the closet... time to rearrange the bedroom.

It's a good day.  Pain is unusually light for recent times.  I may actually take aspirin just to be, probably, fully pain free for a bit.  So close, and it has been so long... yeah, that would be pleasant.  Four to six hours, then back to the grind.  I don't truly need, but while I am here...  Fasting today, and for several days if possible.  No sugar replacement.  Just raw tea and air.

I watered the grass.  Just a bit.  I should do it earlier, but I was napping.  It is cold out there, but shouldn't freeze.  An half hour, every other day, unless it rains.  Restart the count after that.  More seed in the spring, as needed.  But I really have to keep up on watering in the summer.  Ugh.  Oh, I may try a hot tea ketonic.  I usually use coffee, trying something different.  Oh, that is, hot beverage of choice (I let it cool to warm-hot), add MTC oil, ketone crystals, and electrolyte powder, plus another ketone-friendly powder.  I really have to fix things... eating correctly is not working.  Fasting and keto are the only non-bigpharma ways.

Have you ever...

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I find myself struggling.  Struggling to work.  Struggling to play.  Struggling to live.  I look for something or someone to blame.  Even myself.  At least until I can disengage, rest, sort feeling and thought.  I then realize it isn't anyone's fault.  The sheer weight of life and time.  I know I'm not the only one.  If I think it is happening to younger and younger people.  It seems more severe for the young?  Or was that always true.

Sweetcheeks was here.

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I actually thought I could smell her perfume earlier.  No, not some manmade contrivance, she wore no such thing.  She did have her own nutty, coffee, woman scent I always liked.  Actually, I smelled it yesterday "morning", last night, and then again this morning.  Initially I thought it might simply be my own mind.  If it was, it created a response.

I also suspect Drambue may have been involved.  And chocolate?  Hmm.  Yeah.