Sort of getting somewhere?

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Well, no, not really. I did try the egg casserole.  All cold, as I was hoping if eaten cold it would have less affect on the g.i.  I can't tell if it had an affect.  If it did it was nearly instantaneous and mild or that was just a timing coincidence.  As to flavor?  I was impressed.  Especially right out of the fridge.  I didn't salt, pepper, or otherwise spice.  I used a dozen large eggs, three quarter pound of bacon crisped then cut into sixths, twenty pimento stuffed green olives cut into thirds, a cup of cheese, and about an half pound of burger and ground pork fried mix.  Nothing was spiced save the bacon.  Dang tasty for being cold.

I'll see about getting on to more soon.  Just dragging.  Ah, meds... both missing and titrating up can jack exhaustion.  I can try to push through.  Isn't always possible.  I'll do... something, if it breaks something.  Going to have to use force.  So tired.  And the ghosts of thoughts intrude.

Not the best.

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I almost made it to bed early.  The eggs caught up with me?  I... seem to have a problem with eggs.  I am going to try to figure that out.  I will continue consuming, hoping to work that out.  If not I will take a look at other options.  These already are gooder(tm) eggs.  I don't think my store even stocks gooderer(tm) eggs.

The thing is, I was forced by system errors to remain conscious, vigilant, a few extra hours.  Not down until 23:23.  While that is typical of late, I would like to dial that back so as to attempt to maintain days.  That has become possible, sometimes.  Which is seeing me awake at 10:00.  And a bit sore and grumpy.  Me?  Grumpy?!?  Shut up.  Actually I am very rarely grumpy.  Rant mode isn't the same.  It is like when the tea kettle whistles or the computer taps it's results through the printer, nothing more.

The neck is twisted off course, the obverse of my liver has it's panties in a bind, little bits and pieces else and a minor headache in the left brain where muscle headaches go to die, usually don't last.  Oh, just realized, missed meds.  And I missed a few days ago.  I am taking more, perhaps that is why I am missing, which is why I hurt?  Though increasing doses can have similar problems.  Just working out potential reasons.

Today.  Boiled eggs, dishes, another bath, and the kitchen hit hard.  With food prep for the week mostly managed, if I get the kitchen set up it will stay that way until next food prep days.  While I have a slight fear of eggs, I want to see how the near quiche is cold.  Smaller bites?  Though I would like to try it warmed.  Splitting a smaller portion.  Hmm, adding veggies might help?  Kale in with the warmed portion.  Yeah.

If I do well I'd like to change bedding while at it, then do laundry.  Up late, moving slow, but I think, today, I can.  Perhaps aspirin.  Yeah.  Later.

Not much, not fast.

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Most of the morning saw very few very light things done.  Nothing of which to speak.  Same with early afternoon, though I did call the priest with an apology.  Went to message.  Then I thought I'd get a nap before an expected visit.  Arrived early.  I woke just in time to say hello, mostly, and goodbye.  I try.

Since then I baked bacon, then made an egg, bacon, sausage, olive, and cheese casserole.  It's alright, it seems off just a bit.  The sausage wasn't the best.  The olives were a bit old.  But it will do.  I am, mostly, waiting for it to cool to put up, then... closing on bedtime.  I wish I could have boiled eggs.  Tomorrow.  And more bacon.  The stuff I got was thick cut.  Usually $12, for two pounds.  I only got it because it was half off.  I don't care about sales, only pricepoints.  Thick cut bacon at $3 a pound will get my attention.  Especially a gooder brand with no obvious defects and not overclocked.

I am not losing weight, I am definitely getting thinner.  It's almost spooky how fast.  I am hoping it continues.  I had thought about a suit, but there are serious limits as to how much they can alter.  It is going so fast that I'll be ordering a 38 belt, along with a 36.  I am at the 38 or less.  I'm not trying at this point, it's just doing it's thing.

I best turn down the heat and begin cooling down myself.  Good night.

Memory can be a good thing.

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Not always.  Some things in the past have been buried.  Who knows what remains in the dark depths.  From what has been unearthed I don't believe I wish to know all.  Actually, after a local event I will begin attemting to put some things dug up back into the dirt of the past.  Without a name there is no place in my life or in truth.  Not sure it is possible to rebury a memory but one can try, with a little help from friends... not the chemical, but mundane and conscientious, kind.  Even if one is considered dragonborn, and as such only possibly evil, as with those bearing the mark of Cain, best not to make things worse.  Especially a breed of those two.

Ah, but some, probably most memory is good.  I tried to remember when I went down last night and did!  It has been a while, especially when stretched, that I could remember.  Down at 23:23.  Awake at a quarter past nine.

Dreams.  Several.  A childhood friend.  I hope he is okay.  I have some worries about him, he was going in some dark directions then.  I tried to redirect. It may only have been a phase.  I have done dark things, but usually within authority... pushing things or at the bleeding edge, if maybe just in my mind?  Dunno, none of my business now.  I'll add him and his family to my prayer list.  He was one of the few friends whose family was well known to me as well.  To that point.

Other dreams.  I... they have fallen out of reach.  Nothing fancy, more like real life only while asleep, as far as I can remember.  However it was as if I had been awake most of the night, just dreaming.

I forgot to call the plumber's secretary, thankfully she remembered to call me.  It is set.  Depending how this goes, I may have him back to set up the en suite in a few months.  Which means I will need to remove the vanity, install shelving, cut the shelves for pipes, and get flooring in?  Ugh.  Well, and clean the room and living room.  Pftftft.  Three months?  As is, I will want to finish the kitchen, keep the bathroom up, and pull the r.o. in advance.  And do any last bit of cleaning while under there... perhaps yanking the plumbing out while at it.  I'll shut the water off when he asks.  Something I will ask about is a couple of inside shutoff valves.  Probably not with this batch, just...  Ugh.

Today?  More cooking then cleanup.  I got the veggies, the ground meats, and the roast.  I am planning to fry bacon, boil eggs, and make egg ramekins to be frozen.  The ramekins are an experiment.  While doing that, digging into the kitchen as time and energy permit.  I'll... get right on that, in a bit.  Gotta wake first.  Later.

Not only cabbage.

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Started at cabbage.  The two on hand were too small for steaks.  Quarters are fine, especially since I was steaming those.  Kale was still fresh, and I had rutabagas.  I deciced to roast rutabaga fries, using the smaller rutabaga sliced as fries then in with butter.  The big 'baga was sliced as thick ham steaks and steamed with the leafy stuff.

Yeah.  I may not be a huge fan of veggies, but I enjoy from time to time.  The 'fries' were fantastic, the best.  Next, if in a hard leafy green way, was kale, if good vinegar was the coup de grâce.  The cabbage and steamed 'baga and cabbage with butter weren't at all bad, just weren't as snappy if being milder and more common to me.  Just a bit of each, save the fries if there really weren't many in the end.

Taste, flavor, texture?  The fries: they all but bit back.  Beside having an al dente tooth, they had a caramelized stickiness.  Not quite to were it literally sticks to the teeth, it just seems possible.  And it was sweet, as a sweeter sqash and a bit more.  With the richness of butter, quite a treat.  The kale: there is your acid dish.  The sparkling slightly sweet punch of cider vinegar to offset the hard green medium bitter works well.  It also has bite but no tacky feel.  The steamed rutabaga: slightly sweet, but thick.  Done this way one could almost call it the perfect (of sweeter) squash.  No thick skin to bother with, if peeling, as a potato, is required.  It has a softer yet still mildly toothy texture.  You could easily go without butter, or go the other way with brown sugar and marshmallows and no one would notice... save that one freak, if I think they are guessing or going off your tells.  And cabbage?  What is there to tell?  I do cook it softer, if I think steaming allows for that to a greater degree.  With butter it might be plain, humble, which adds to it's value.  Or one could put it with meat, using drippings as the fat as a perfect mix.

Hmm?  Oh, probably the roast next.  It's beef, so it needs to be seasoned and allowed to come to room temp before being seared then roasted, if I could fry the ground beef and pork together for crumble... good in salad, by itself, with beans, rice, or eggs as a sausage side or omelette ingredient.  Love that stuff, when I can keep up on it.  Yeah.  Then on to eggs?  Maybe.  Bleh.

Gah!  Forgot to call.  Tomorrow.  I am used to more floor in my morning.  This day was quite thin.  I should be able to call the plumber, see about that.  Yes, I got a faucet.  A Moen, I think.  They didn't have any good chrome, those were all plastic.  I went with a stainless.  It will match the sink.  And the disk isn't in the water.  I made sure they carry the cartridge and bought one.

Well...  A call, a nap, I almost can't think.  Later or much later.

Mostly better.

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I couldn't sleep until almost 6:00, waking at a bit past 11:00.  So a bit of a mild headache and a few other complaints is to be expected.  Sleep was good, just a bit short.  Making such a long trip when not quite ready will throw things.  I am surprised I woke so early, given all, and so well.  Today?

Today.  I would like to do the cooking, perhaps enough for a week.  Then to make a few calls... beside an apology, I haven't heard from the woman who handles the plumber's schedule.  I don't want her calling on The day, I want some advance notice.  If a few other chores can be squeezed in that would be great.

Oh, had to laugh. Was getting videos pushed, suggesting psychosis, narcissism, etc.  Only a thin skinned (and they should be as their "profession" is a fraud and if they don't know that they got through on looks, buckets of money, or pure twattish liberalism) psychologist or psychiatrist would suggest someone willing to suffer for understanding even back then, let alone able to know guilt well enough to inventory then contritely seek to confess both sins against others and self could be such.  Funny thing?  They can't just go away.  If they think they go unseen.  Oh, you are seen.  Now you may go away.  Or face what is becoming obvious even to you and choose to learn.  Pain, fire, the truth, God, will set you on the path to choosing virtue, first of mundane, then of divine, nature.  All else, which includes your indoctrination, is false.  I'll keep you in my prayers.

So very stretched.

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I have nothing to grasp.

Good and bad news.

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The mistake was mine.  There are two churches in that city, I had thought there was one.  The call will be an apology.  Thankfully, as sad as that is.  I wasted his time.  The only thing I wasted of concern is gas, on my side, but it was my error.  Well, can't say I don't eat it when it's on the table and just desert, even were it lethal but fair, or at least right.  Fair?  Christ on the cross, His passion, means it can never be fair.

Even so I won't reschedule.  I will find another, obscure my id, and do other things.  It... who I am shouldn't be part of it. I am doing what I am doing for a particular reason that has nothing to do with obscurity, if... well... that may now be part of it.  Just... going with a gut feeling.

I... hoped there was another answer.  Though priests can be called away or else.  I kept thinking, dug.  No one wants to be rejected, not so... deeply.  As mentioned, it isn't God who might fail, as every fatherless, and three-time failed father fatherless would know, once faith is gifted, but men who fail.  Thankfully no pattern, probably.  That it was just a mistake, and mine, restores strength to resolve.

Yeah.  Silly old Doomster.  Chasing shadows, ranting at ghosts, getting angry at shades...  So tired.  So much work.  So little to give.  If I do ask for much, I try to meet in the middle.  Gah!  Later, or more likely good night.

Oh well.

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Everything I could pour into getting ready was burned.  A standing bath, washing hair, figuring out the outfit, tying the tie, even just a dot of aftershave.  Not too much, just enough to hopefully seem appropriate.  I couldn't actually shave, no mirror where needed, with running water and working drain.  I did what I could with the trimmer.

All that, and yet I was pretty sure.  More yet to do and it was done.

Then the drive.  With rush hour, something I had not calculated, the drive was roughly an hour and an half.  Thankfully I planned with plenty of time, arriving an hour early.  Actually, time wasn't making sense when I was ready, so it was just literally a hope and a prayer.  So I read, since I was early.  Then, as the time approached, I found a place where I could see both parking lots and a back entrance.  Time. rolled. by.  To the time.  Late.  Later.  Too late.  I... was pretty sure there would be no one there.  Yes, I knew.  Not saying I knew why.  Probably, not for certain. Yet.

One outright refused to schedule a confession, one accepted but did not show.  A pattern?  I will call tomorrow.  Will someone answer?  I won't reschedule.  I will ask if I am being excluded.  I don't know if they would tell me.  A lot of politics, government and other big money, and darkness, in the church.  But it mostly isn't out in the open.

President Trump, if you want to save religion in America, stop federalizing it.  If the church leadership can survive without our money they can completely ignore our input. Big money already has an outsized input.  Add the fed, and states, and all the poison that comes with it, and you won't end up subsidizing, sustaining, faith, you will end up murdering it.  If that is truly what you want, I'd advise you to be much more cautious with your wishes.

It was foretold that a time when confessions, the Eucharist, and such would become rare.  While my circumstances might be rarer, isn't it the canary which spells doom?  I'll... try, again, sometime, somewhere.  Exhausted.  I tried.  As bp is going...  Soon, just in case.

Dishes and what passes for a bath.

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Nothing fancy.  All a bit sloppy.  Washing out of a sink, for Marmaduke sized dogs is, well, you get what you get.  Now for a shave.  No mirror where I have a functional drain, so no.  Ugh.  I've trimmed, I guess that is that.  What else?  I do have things to do, and I will do them.

Making a list, checking it twice.  Chemicals, cigars, and other things might burn, but there is worse.  I might not yet be a saint, but it is the direction headed.  Fast enough?  Does any one honestly believe so?  When things get harsh, or if they never do, am I willing to die or live humbly?  That is as much as I could suggest.  Hope.

Seeking through pain.

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Peoples have done this in many ways, in many cultures and religions in all time.  Flaggation, hanging from hooks, sweat lodges, tattoos, you name it.  And to various levels for various reasons.  Death isn't the intention, it might well be the outcome.  Further, sometimes more is done.  The mind and soul might be purged along with the body.  A package deal.

In this video, it seems as if the narrator is being forced to endure all forms of privations.  Offered no solution but accepting pain, with a way out but only a naked one, he eventually accepts.  Most men cannot go there on there own.  Even if you know the story you realize even then there is a trick.  I needed no such trick.

Ah, the shark stare!

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And more.  I... realize the phenomenon.  I simply didn't know the cause.  It unnerves some, others shield from it by turning away, while others... especially attracted females... dive into it.  As some folk get used to you, or me, they relax and are no longer bothered.  I wondered why folk told me things as if I was a confessor.

Yes, as with being called a coyote, so to have I been called a sigma, which implies the infj personality traits.  It took nearly thirty years to investigate the coyote thing, so it only taking a decade or two to review sigma and infj traits is... an improvement.  Not that I am an absolute believer, although when the shoe fits?  Of course, there is the notion that people want to be whatever they hear that sounds good, or to them.

Not a bad morning.

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I thought waking would be a bleak affair.  The strange wake, it was wondered, would cause problems.  As is, other than the tickle with breathing and a slower than even usual start, life isn't bad.  Oh, I do know what causes that strange feeling when breathing, it has to do with one of my meds.  I have been eating more the last few days.  Pretty much a normal consumption.  Just seeing if leaving fasting for a bit might help.

Awoke at 9:00, been awake for an hour and twenty.  Struggling to move it all forward if there isn't too much risk of folding into a ball of sleeping ogre.

Today?  I'm not there yet.  I keep having to check the day though, as long as they seem, they can sneak by and a vital one is approaching, and lots of other things are rolling my way.  I have no trouble swatting incoming, I just have to know that I can and should.  Unless there are far too many.  My current risk is shutting down from a sense of being overloaded.  Best not to exhaust myself, pacing is key, while every new thing is extra expensive and being on-call increases the energy consumption of standard activities.

Even so, back to the kitchen.  Surfaces, counters, kitchen table, then floors?  Yeah.  Along with that, cooking.  What I missed the other day, boiled eggs, a roast, ground beef and pork fried to crumble as an additive, prepping a head of romaine... that is pr... wait, egg cups, with bacon (which means bacon fried), that crumble, and/or cheese.  What of it can be done anyway.  Hmm, some of that will be eaten warm.  Basically cooking and cleaning for the week, in theory.

I highly doubt the majority will be done.  I am not sure anything will be done.  However, if I can do something that is roughly the projects and order, very roughly.  Oh, I'll mess with the bedding, changing it out at least with morning prayers.  A good start when focus is available.  Then back to resting for a bit.  Yeah, that sort of morning if it was feared to be worse.

Later.

A double nap?

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Awake at 2:00.  I voted for a full sleep.  At least I expected it.  It has been a while since sleep was off, though not so long.  I am still logging sleep because it was off.  Not for readers, just so I could review from time to time.  Then again this whole blog is a journal.  More private, just grandfathered into public access.  Though readership is dwindling, it surprises me that it exists.

Hmm?  I have no idea.  Something about something else?  I might not be asleep but that doesn't mean I am awake.  Not feeling well again.  It isn't as if I am being crushed, lightly.  Though it seemed so initially.  It is more as if the muscles that allow breath are very tired.  A similar outcome, different cause.  Breathing is work, almost has a tickle to it.  Intermediate work.  I can't be certain if that is what woke me, if I don't think so.  So tired.  Would like to sleep.

I may attempt to go back soon.  Later or good night again.
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Back to bed?  It is 3:30.

I just don't get it.

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It isn't just the conditions, symptoms, and numbers of them, it is the hatred from so many.  Why I haven't died I just don't get.  I have learned to suffer very well.  I don't mind living or dying at this point.  Truly, His will.  I do wonder if suffering here is the price.  When it is foggier I become nearly sure, as sure as possible, that I am in purgatory... and for what seems an eternity, foggy or not.

The pain or absolute absence of it, the times I know it hurts but the cascading issuance cancels the sensations, as waves can cancel sound.  If it isn't too rough it can be interesting to observe.  There is so little else to do at times.  While it may seem all I know is self, and that might be true at times, that knowledge is gained just as externally as if I were you.  As if I were watching a machine, a failing one, taking notes.

As to hatred, I don't really get it.  I just know it exists, smell it.  And from the most surprising people.  What people are isn't at all who they are.  Not always and becoming rarer.  They hate being easily noticed, but it is that hate that makes them so easy to see.  If I were wrong, if they could defend their hatred, they wouldn't quietly, intensively, hate at me from shadows.

I don't fully, even mostly, understand.  All I know is I have been humbled nearly to death, then given some sort of ability to see.  I have been called to God, and hooked up to write, sometimes understanding none or little of it, sometimes more... as this, at least on the simpler meanings.

Just letting you know that I see.  While I have been harsh I am changing some of my approach.  Videos offering wisdom have directed me to, probably, a better way... just adding things to sufferings and moving on.  So I really will simply pray for you.  Yes, I can see.

At 22:36 it is bedtime.  Good night.

Hmm? Getting there.

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Too much, if I'll keep at it.

An appointment for confession is set.  I am not sure there will be time for blessings.  One thing at a time, or as necessary.  Stoked, if in a truly terrifying way.  I will write things down so as not to forget.  Why not Saturday at such and so a time?  Because as I have found, I can't be sure I will be able.  You don't like it?

I'm the schedule cripple.  You don't understand?  I woke up one day and couldn't make my body work, only having rare successes.  Medicine has improved things so sometimes, more often, a few days advance and I might arrange things, if it's on the schedule my system is on.  It's what I have.  So frustrated I tried to end it four solid times.  Brother, you have no idea.  I can't even die.

A curse, until as I was telling visitors today, I saw it for the humbling grace it is.  Still need great help with humility even now, to tell you were it started.  God has taken care of me, all that slips through my ungrasping cold nearly dead hands God seems to manage.  Deserve?  Of course not.  All the worse for the whiles until I... just relaxed into it, if continuing to try well beyond my ability, like a broken child trying to wake, walk, work, right through hopelessness.  As such, the goal is to be there an hour or two early. If the chapel or... if nothing else is open I can pray and read in my vehicle.

With that set I called plumbers.  I found one with prices which work.  A general quote, advice on brands though nothing exact, but no surety of when.  Within the week, I am told.  I'll just work on what can be done until then.  Probably in to see about a faucet soon.  I need cat litter and cat food while at it.  Perhaps I simply had too much on my plate.  Serious stuff, all popping at once as I view the horizon.

Two of three.

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Calls.  Actually three of four, the second and third, if because of a rejection.  One priest said he was too busy this week and... left it there.  I tried one negotiation, was shot down absolutely and all but dared to try again.  I... am catching clues better these days, for better or worse.  Okay.  So I called another.  I am waiting to hear back.  Confession, sacramentals, as a start.  Yeah, I have the list.  This is probably the most difficult one.  As memory improves...  as I learn...  Is it still a sin to miss required masses if a shutin?  I am assuming so.  As with other things.  God might well understand.  Hearing it in confession is still desired.  I will do my best.

The first call was to reschedule the missed appointment.  It seems one chance will be offered.  As to local contact, that won't be given.  The review area changes, so their is no actual single place, or local phone access?  Really?  It will be several weeks to a month or more out.  So I went with the next.  When I hear back, and get that set, or call another priest if need be...  Once set up I will call a plumber.  I just can't set up two blind appointments, they always collide.

Yea, I think I will skip the nap.  I will just attempt to stay awake until early afternoon, at least beyond time for a return call.  Not sure... about some things.  The world is changing.  I may be unwelcome, for right or wrong, or both, reasons.  I will find out soon enough.  Later.

Better. By degrees.

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I have to admit, I had some... concerns.  Not worries, my faith is absolute.  Even should I die before I could make it to confession I have the list ready.  Even while I do not have a blessed rosary, and seem surrounded by darkness, God knows I would be praying that way, am praying in other ways, including working on deeper prayers.  I keep looking, from time to time, neither rosary has turned up.

Better?  Yes.  Mostly in that I don't feel as if I am being crushed.  As to getting to work?  We'll see.  Not feeling lost and oppressed is good for now.  A few phone calls, then a nap?  Maybe.  Sure sounds good.  Want to help?  Really.  Just a short prayer, it's at least as good for you.  Later.

I just can't... take your pick.

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Well, I have done some things.  I cleared free-standing materials under the sink, did light cleaning after.  There is still the reverse osmosis tank and else under there.  Trash and recycling waited to this morning.  I hope I got recycling out in time.  Burned out, washed up, too hot, no energy, nothing.  At least I don't hurt on top of it all.  I have no good way to get to things.  And, yet, I must.

A few phone calls this morning.  Oh, a bit out from the fridge before the trash truck arrives.  If I can, a bit more cleaning under the sink.  A sponge bath would be good.  If I could just... get at things!  Ah, recycling truck, I was in time.  Anyway... just to wake, work, or even sleep.  It's rough and not improving.  Could be worse.

A call to reschedule an appointment, then schedule a plumber and which faucet he would recommend and then to obtain that.  I am hoping for a Moen single handle, or Delta.  I'm not going against his advice.  They rarely make the old kind, most with those prone to fail silicon disks.  Some aren't 'wet', so hard water doesn't cause the same problem(s), or so I have heard.  Failed tech which either absolutely stops drips or requires a complete shutoff of water and total replacement of the faucet, basically sticking people with an unfunded mandate of some sort?  Can't burn the EPA fast enough.  Now to undo their harms!

Oh, what I thought was the recycling truck was for trash.  I may have missed recycling.

Life has been so ugly lately.  I simply can't keep up.  Email returns, work, appointments, more.  Late, tired, off... no pain lately, or I am too out of it to notice.  If I owe you contacts, wait longer.  Be patient.  If I don't die first I will get back to you.  Can't think.  Tired.

Oh, to bed after 23:00, was trying to force getting the trash out.  Up at 8:00.  Later.

Is enough ever enough?

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I think some see.  More than suspected.  Not all can do much, not even all who can do, and see, are willing to do anything.  Some can't even shut up, continuing with lies in spite of no doubts about the truth.  Oh yes, changes will either be accepted or crushing.

Awake, perhaps soon to be at it.

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Sleep was good.  The room was in the low forties, perhaps lower?  I sleep so much better that way, especially when terribly tired.  I think I heal better that way too.  Just is how it is.  Dreams, but their memories aren't lasting.  Dreaming often, for the last few days.  Am I done yet?  It ain't over, I don't know but I'm pretty sure.  Awake at 7:30-8:00, to bed around 21:30.