My sleeping has been in odd shifts and spits. I think until my corpse is normalized, I am going to have problems. No problem, so long as I do not die in the interim. That often causes unforeseen difficulties in getting back up and into the game. *grins* I am hoping to be enough on the ball to at least call in to the doctors office today, and maybe do some grocery shopping. Frozen vegetables (along with my high incidence of meats, fishes, cheeses, and milk) are on the list. Out is sugared soda, in is that splenda stuff. That is really my one indulgence into candy land. Though, on occasion, I must admit, I will have a bowl of real regular ice cream.
I am feeling so odd. Cramps in my arms and legs are common. Kidney area, liver area, and a few other area sorenesses persist. I am not sure if that is due to diet or due to diabetes, a slight difference, but real. Not enough of this that or the other vitamin, mineral, or protein and one might find themselves topsy-turvy, aside even from diabetes, though as with that to some degree… maybe. Where is that stupid manual that was supposed to pop out with me at birth. Something about “Care and Feeding of Ogre Mammalian Male Types”. Bah!
Well, I am on the road to writing more, and again. I see many of you have slacked off. Minus Bane, who has been a good bad boy. Oh, alrighty, a few of you others have been prolific in messing up by putting your ideas out there too. You know who you are, and perhaps how oddly true what I just said is. We are in the same boat it seems. The wrong boat, but the best of the wrong boats (minus you socialists… forgivable if you are women, it being your nature (unless you have, graciously worked beyond your nature! Hallelujah!)). Ok, digging my grave, kicking sand in the face of giants, and just having fun and loving it. Give me a break, I may be dead soon!
Welp, gots to go. Charity, faith, and hope, may these be yours even if you are as wrong as me. Love and kindness, me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Alive and well, well? (Day 68)
Okay, fine. I am still alive. I am still doing poorly. But, I have made some decisions and I am now free to move on those. The first, and saddest for me, is that I have to back out of school. There are several fortuitous aspects to this however. The first is, I know the reason. It has to do with a short-term problem that I do believe is completely able to be solved. The second good thing is that I am not back on VA benefits, so it will not start that off on a bad foot. I suppose also, I get a better view of this course material. I have not found out what I did on my last test, though from the response from my instructor heretofore, it seems I did at least feasibly suitable to continue the class (or he was going to suggest I drop, because of homework mostly). The uncomfortable part is that now I must figure out my health puzzle and put it back in place. I need to figure out how to get my diabetes back under control. Even with good eating, I have only been able to get it to drop to 186 (this morning). And, it is difficult to “eat well”. Amounts and types of food, absolute sugarlessness in my diet for the moment, and a ban on pasta all lead to great confusion and despair! *I think he said there would be gnashing of teeth in end times, I think I know that now!* But, I think it is doable. Now that I have given my publicly disemboweling speech, I may begin my health recovery in earnest. With school not nagging me and the speech given, I have the time in mind, peace, and reality, to put the pieces back together (or maybe, back in the box for another chance later).
I feel like I have been mashed, skinned, and heated. Mashed potatoes know of how I feel. My organs still hurt, though less. Even my body hurts a bit. My mind is slow to calculate, write, or act. As soon as I get my shit in one sock, I am going to call in and see if someone can look over my tired carcass. May not be tomorrow, might be. I just know it will happen before too long. I cannot pull or tug, promise or hope, jump and run or even crawl at this time, without it being just the right time and happening nearly spontaneously. Yes, I am in a honey trap or something, praying the rain comes, but that it does not rain too much. Just enough rain that I may escape to my trap, though with little hope it will be to other than my next (if less dangerous) trap!
The speech went well. The spirit moved me, those who prayed with and for me helped me to climb though some very dark times and places. I told them everything except about the service. Because of my confusion and remaining… I cannot go there. There is little I can tell them with any certainty, though I did explain that. In discussing some of what I did, I cleared the way for me to return to the Church. My fear that some of this might escape, become known, and betray me, had been a difficulty. In speaking about it, I have released the hold of that fear. Thankfully, my speech was the first given. I could not sleep the night before, so I was quite tired when at 20:00, I finally got up in front of the group to speak. Without the help of some there, their prayers and good words, time and counsel, I would not have been able to do what I did. It is amazing what we can do. After my speech, and a good nights sleep, I really enjoyed the rest of the weekend. I saw that others have had a tough taste of life, and have come to know God much more sincerely because of it, like me. All seem to continue to struggle, of course. It was a fantastic weekend. I just wish my health had not been nagging at me in the background. I am hoping to be a part of next years session, and I have let them know they may call on me. As well, after missing this years women’s group, I plan on getting on board next year to help with meals. I just feel called to it, and a bit frustrated and guilty with this years situation.
Ok, I hope that sets your troubled minds to ease. I am alive, if feeling as happy and hale as a colicky baby, though slightly quieter. I will try to write more, but the will and the way are not necessarily well connected again and at the moment. Hey, but I do think of you in my moments with God. Things you have said, doubts you have had, wisdom I have seen through you. Those things float through my mind and into to my prayers, and often. Call me an open book, especially to God.
I feel like I have been mashed, skinned, and heated. Mashed potatoes know of how I feel. My organs still hurt, though less. Even my body hurts a bit. My mind is slow to calculate, write, or act. As soon as I get my shit in one sock, I am going to call in and see if someone can look over my tired carcass. May not be tomorrow, might be. I just know it will happen before too long. I cannot pull or tug, promise or hope, jump and run or even crawl at this time, without it being just the right time and happening nearly spontaneously. Yes, I am in a honey trap or something, praying the rain comes, but that it does not rain too much. Just enough rain that I may escape to my trap, though with little hope it will be to other than my next (if less dangerous) trap!
The speech went well. The spirit moved me, those who prayed with and for me helped me to climb though some very dark times and places. I told them everything except about the service. Because of my confusion and remaining… I cannot go there. There is little I can tell them with any certainty, though I did explain that. In discussing some of what I did, I cleared the way for me to return to the Church. My fear that some of this might escape, become known, and betray me, had been a difficulty. In speaking about it, I have released the hold of that fear. Thankfully, my speech was the first given. I could not sleep the night before, so I was quite tired when at 20:00, I finally got up in front of the group to speak. Without the help of some there, their prayers and good words, time and counsel, I would not have been able to do what I did. It is amazing what we can do. After my speech, and a good nights sleep, I really enjoyed the rest of the weekend. I saw that others have had a tough taste of life, and have come to know God much more sincerely because of it, like me. All seem to continue to struggle, of course. It was a fantastic weekend. I just wish my health had not been nagging at me in the background. I am hoping to be a part of next years session, and I have let them know they may call on me. As well, after missing this years women’s group, I plan on getting on board next year to help with meals. I just feel called to it, and a bit frustrated and guilty with this years situation.
Ok, I hope that sets your troubled minds to ease. I am alive, if feeling as happy and hale as a colicky baby, though slightly quieter. I will try to write more, but the will and the way are not necessarily well connected again and at the moment. Hey, but I do think of you in my moments with God. Things you have said, doubts you have had, wisdom I have seen through you. Those things float through my mind and into to my prayers, and often. Call me an open book, especially to God.
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