People are so... different.

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I was recently speaking about dreams.  I have written about them here, long ago, probably lost in the texts of Doom.  A few quaint, to me, notions.

Have you dreamed a whole lifetime?  I have.  I spoke of a time I dreamed my life to forty years of age, roughly.  I didn't remember every last moment, but I dreamed I lived them.  I remembered as much of that life as I remember this life, if this life has been longer... and I have memory problems.  Still, the idea is similar.

He thought that was... odd.  The look, on his face, more than anything he said.

I told him I have dreamed of flying.  I used to have nightmares of falling.  They terrorized my childhood.  Sometimes leading to me falling out of a bunkbed?  Or was I pulled out, by someone or some thing?  I never knew.  But I did end up on the floor many times.  Who knows what happens, in the dark, as a child.

I learned to dream to prevent that horror.  I didn't mention that I learned  to fly through steel, bending four to six inch plates in my way.  Not pridefully, accidentally, at first.  I still avoided steel plates when possible, but sometimes I had no choice.

I told him I learned to change my dreams.  To alter them.  I am aware I am dreaming, pretty much always.  I didn't tell him that last part.  I did tell him that I started learning to control my dreams in order to change a specific group of dreams.  I didn't tell him which ones, but it was the ones in which some of my people die in combat.  Since I was... never in combat(?)... I... didn't want to dream about that.  Those are the only dreams I can't, yet, change.  I have learned to see more, if I'm not sure the new material is original.  As for true?  I... just wish I could change them.  I can't even stop those dreams, or not quickly.  At least, now, I know I am dreaming when they happen.

So late. And with or at?

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So dark.  Rather cold as well.  Snowing, again.  If it snows heavier, we could see a blizzard.  The wind is rattling the world.  I could not wake up!  Now I know why.  Thankfully I turned the heat on and up to 70 before bedtime... after being cool to cold all day yesterday.  Amazing weather for April.  March, sure.  But April?

After the alarms, at 07:00 and 09:00... which I was sure would wake me but failed, dreams.  One of them was of the devil, L... actually.  In the form she prefers, speaking to me in the form she would rather I be.  Tempting, too strongly to escape... this time.  I win sometimes.  She was laughing.

Laughing.  At me.  At God.  I was laughing too.  She, initially, thought I was laughing with her.  Then she picked up on something else.  She had to start wondering, with or at?  She asked.  Both, I said.  Though the 'with' part wasn't quite what it seemed.

A mystery?  Aye, to many.  If not THAT Mystery.  Sisters?  Cousins?  They do share traits.  They build, or really destroy, one upon the other.  Their ways.

Well, awake.

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Awake, absolutely.  Later than hoped, far earlier than actually expected.  I have been trying to sleep earlier, it just hasn't been happening.  I think, this morning, it was 05:00 or 06:00 when I could crawl in to sleep.  As... usual, mostly.  Trying to be to bed earlier is jinxed by not being able to sleep.  Staying up until later than that usually fails due to an absolute failure to stay awake.  Rude.

I did wake around noon.  Then got the ducks fed, rabbits fed, both watered with a fresh filled pool for the quackles, and... oh... best get the girls after this post.  They are last, since they can do for themselves, to a degree.  Still, I'd best get to them, or I will be stormed, mobbed by female furries with a penchant for pain... giving, not receiving.  Being mobbed by cats seems nice, until you realize they have claws and know how to use them to terrible effect.  Even if they don't break skin, they... get so close.

I did get laundry going, a shower, and some dishes last night.  I am dressed for more.  Blood sugar dropped to 76 before I went to bed, so... I had to work with that as well this morning.  Ugh.  Part of the reason I didn't get to bed earlier, if not all of it.  Odd.  I did a few things.  Now to do a few more, after writing and tending the girls.  No pains this morning.

I did have to fight foot cramps while sleeping.  My guess is, with blood sugar dropping, and fluid going out a bit excessively, my legs and feet were simply too cold... even well covered.  Though more so if one or both kicked out.  Things are very odd, bodily.  I realize that I seem healthiest while in major repair mode, if... getting to the major repair mode is... dangerous.  Yea.  Nutz.

The scent of... a stranger?

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The, uhrm, intent? theme?  The design was clear. clean.

She has been whispering in my ears for days.  I called those echos.

Someone is saying something.

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Not sure who, exactly.  If I think I know what.  Don't drink and accuse!?  I am back in the closet, for any and all practical or impractical purposes, and literally come to think of it!

Besides...

So very tired.

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In part because it seems darker out there.  Haze, clouds, some of each?  After checking while putting the ducks in, definitely both.  Watering again.  Some areas don't need it at all, some areas have gone down hill fast, working on it.  An hour for the back and side, more up front.  Then two to four days off.  More downtime if it rains.

I keep drifting into morning before sleeping.  The last three days to three.  It's the meds?  Mostly.  On them, recently, restarting, opening up the house in a timely fashion hasn't been successful, which makes it too warm to do other things including get to sleep.  Which means I am awake well beyond exhaustion and while overheated.

Tonight it will be done right.  But at 18:30 it is still 77°.  It will be a bit.

Rules.

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An accusation.  She really thinks I make them.

That's not good.

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Right after dinner I started to feel bad.  Tunnel vision, dilation problems, weakness...  Stats.

I just ate two chicken thighs, a can of carrots with a tablespoon of butter, and a glass of milk.  Along with it I took 10 cc's of insulin.  In the half hour it took to finish, everything was going wrong.  Blood sugar inexplicably dropped to 66 and blood pressure is down to 107/70 with an 83 pulse.

I popped a carb tab.  Too full to eat more.  If it keeps dropping or I don't feel better, another in an hour.  Upstairs to cool off.  But I don't dare sleep.  If I begin nodding off too powerfully to stop, I will take another tab... or two.  Would rather way too high than just enough too low.  Ducks in first.
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An hour after the last read and two carb tabs total, blood sugar is at 112 but bp is 98/65 at an 82 pulse.  Not good, but there is nothing else I can do for the night, including stay awake.  Surprised I didn't crash, which is why I took two tabs without waiting, was falling.  I will take the glucometer and bp machine upstairs.  Not sure... why.  The phone too, 911 may be required.

A cascade she started.

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She had other thoughts, but it created a reaction.  She isn't a believer.

That's a lot of pork!

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Bone in, though nearly ten pounds anyway.  It has been grilling for several hours, with the internal temp just hitting over 101°  F.  The timer is set for forty five, or was.  Probably twenty to thirty minutes left.  I am excited.  An half pound, pound, plus a salad, and fatted tea.  Honestly, this fresh, and freshly cooked, this is food fit for a king.

Someone reviewed back, based on my most next recent post.  Chuckling at my obvious musical understanding of what I just wrote and have written previously, and more briefly expressed.  I hadn't quite meant these in this context, but if the shoe... boot... fits?  Yeah.

When I must.

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Laugh.  Point.  Take it.  Give it.  Leave it.  More.  Whatever.

Why so serious?

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A question and not a question.  Asking for clarification, telling through rhetoric, accusing, demanding, shocked, outraged... pleased.  So it goes with women.

Changing my diet.

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Not truly changing the core notion.  The plan remains low carb high fat, keto.  The thing is, I can't handle nearly as much meat.  Chicken thighs and a pork roast were cooked last night.  Two thighs and a slim slice of roast left me stuffed beyond belief.  I tried a snack several hours later anyway.  I'll not do that again soon.  When my body says it is full, when eating right foods, it means it.

I have been looking for other food items.  From flax to chia seeds, to leafy greens, plus foods as supplements such as cod liver oil and nutritional yeast.  I keep falling down on various kefirs, but will keep at it.  I'd like to figure out other fermented foods, like sauerkraut, perhaps pickles, and others.  The trick is to get enough fat, protein, carbs, and calories for the machine to tick.  The main problem is simple volume.  Once I hit solid ketosis, not only does desire go away, but so does the simple ability to eat, or eat enough.  Simply digesting food becomes difficult, if that might be heart related?  Not enough blood flow?

Lowering the fat ratio to nearly one to one, I am hoping, will help.  Cutting volume, perhaps stretching more, smaller, meals, within a six hour window?  Cutting it to one real meal with minor adds like snacks and fatted drinks?  Ugh... I'll just have to experiment.  Don't even think of vegan or veggieism.  Those are worse.  Nuts are good, but like meat, they fill quickly.  Can only eat so much of that.

What is is?

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Paraphrased, from paragraphs of thought.  Offered with a pointed intent.  Presumably from one who might know, but without actually asking.  So it is.

What do they know, suspect?

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Ugh.  I did finish the dishes, and put the laundry over, but time... and I had almost forgotten to put extra time for traffic.  I did shower... hate showing up like a heathen beggar.  I was pushing it to get there, or it felt like it.  I think I was an half hour early, as close as I can get, if tighter than I prefer.

So cold?

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While at times true, in some cases it doesn't make sense.  While I have, memories, small hopes, and dreams, all know the latter are just that, some strange properties or storytelling ability, none of that... affects any who do not enter.  Step into a man's mind, any man, at your own risk.  Even so, it is not cold.  It isn't the intention. The fire drains so excruciatingly slowly, nothing more.  Some doors are shut, that has to be made clear as well.

The goal is to be as publicly quiet, physically unobtrusive, out of peoples hair, as possible until my time is spent.  I didn't mention, but I stopped hiking because I frightened people on the path.  Salutations, avoidance, giving the greatest berth possible, it just didn't matter.  Just passing time, mostly alone.  Do you think I couldn't chase?  Do you honestly think I am that weak, stupid, incapable?  I have seen no reciprocal interest so I returned the  favor.  It is how it is done, anything else is stalking.

I just don't get it.  It reminds me of the one who was too young, and a year older than me.  I did the right thing, ending it before making her pregnant while we were still in school, and being despised for it.  I still don't get that, then or now.  If you can't deal with slow death, fevered notions, some good and horrible memories, and the rest here, go away and never come back.  I have enough suffering and loneliness as is.  Keep your problems to yourself.  Any resemblances to real life may in fact be such, sometimes mixed with echoes of various shades, hues, of memories, not all, not many, pleasant.  And the future is guaranteed to go dark, usually becoming damn near intolerable, as are many of my days.

Leave.  Go.  This isn't a comfortable place.  Then again what life, what skin, is.  Not here, not yet.  Stay away if you can't take bumps.  If I see opportunity I might take it.  If I can do I might.  If the way is well barred and I am unwelcome I will not draw near.  That isn't cold.  Perhaps some know or don't in opposition to my take?  My take seems correct far more often.  I DO see.  Never mind the more, just trouble me no more.

Perfection?

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That isn't the currency available.  Good to bad, say ten increments on each side with zero as the fulcrum.  Of course an old bull may not pace a young one, if what the old Brahman might know could counter speed in his favor.  Still, condition and potential within the x, y, z, and other holy design restrictions need to be given their dues.

Hmm?  Oh, I mean it is noon, I am still awake and rather aware, if I don't seem to be getting anywhere with regards to work, physical efforts.  The list is on my mind.  I will do what I can when I can.  Dark days are doing what they do.  Still, it looks like I might dig out shortly.

The strange dreams and daydreams persist.  Don't think you get them.  Some, in retrospect, seem to indicate things, or potentially.  Things they don't, at all, as I have reviewed and considered.  Then again...  I have it on good authority a cleaved head no longer plots.  Choices?  Yeah.  *grins*

I'll attempt to push my day along.  What might be helping is that I rembered to invert medication, taking night meds in the morning (when I am actually going to bed) and morning pills at night (as I wake).  This helps with usefulness and effect.  The meds that make me tired work better when I am going to sleep anyway, even in the morning.  And some wonder why I am, or seem, confused all the time.

I am continuously required to recalibrate on the fly, while falling through fog, mostly asleep, half on and off meds, with detractors and enemies at every turn.  Hell, I can't even die and my enemies are more ballless than I dare dream, and that is the male ones.  I expect only backstabbing from women, it's mostly all they can really muster.  Hrumph!  Ha!  That'll get me through a few more hours?  Either way it was fun.

It seems I am wanted.

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Well, not in a bad way.  At least, I don't think it's a bad way.  A funeral, though not the one you might have thought.  Or... not yet.  Who knows, if I make it back, I might be able to see... everybody else, even my uncle who is ill.  It has been a while.  The thing is, it changes all my plans, it confuses some things, it sets some things back financially, and I have to figure out about cats, lawn, and plants.  Ugh.  When did life get so complicated?

I get the feeling that what I wrote about her... was seen there.  I had hoped it wouldn't be.  I didn't know how they would take it.  I know some, there, read from time to time.  I suspect they miss much.  Or, well, have.  In any case, I think they are actively watching now.  It unnerves me a bit.  Strangers can write it all off.  Those who know, some of it... well...  People are literally recognized in some music videos.  If all of you, who know bits, got together, compared notes, you would find... there is more there than you now imagine.  Some of it might be story, or hope, or doubt, fear, etc.  More than you would like to know isn't.  Still, they watch.  It seems to not be a problem.  Probably.

I called my mother back, left a message.  I am not sure... of anything.  I'll need to check how much travel would cost.  And, to have any chance at reasonable future plans, even this, I really have to consider all.  I couldn't come back until next month, without draining the coffers.  But cost of living still... I still have to eat there.  It's complicated.  We will know more soon.  Though it's frustrating to be missing calls.  I am worriedly excited.

I'll go see about travel costs, review my accounts, and eventually speak with the folk, all of them, who might or might not have something to do with anything.  Ugh.  Later.

Long nap.

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I had hoped for a few hours.  I got that and more.  I am still tired.  I showered when I woke, and woke with a lark on my mind.  No, not a bird, mostly, a joke of some sort.  It was a wonderful morning for being an afternoon.  Possible?  More than probable, it simply was the way of it.

Even so.

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Oh, right.  A thought bounced into my lap, biting and scratching while doing so.  Tamed, mostly, for my part.  Here, you hold the bouncing baby thought bomb.  Watch those claws.