A bit rough.

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Aches, here, pains there.  Nothing major, just many and all of medium level.  I'll take a pain pill, or two.  I took pill medicines late, but should get them all taken by bedtime.  Yes, I am remember to not take the little carvedilol pill.  I would have thought that would have helped by now, thought that may or may not be part of the problem?

After what I ate, I wasn't sure how blood sugar would run.  At 104, I suppose that is good enough.  With averages for the week, biweekly, and monthly running 107, 112, and 122, I... can't complain.  Well, some weight loss would have been nice.  Controlling for carbs, I would have thought, would have taken care of some weight loss.  Then again, maybe this isn't carbs.  

I have been changing which insulin I use, and how much.  Although, if my food logging is accurate, and I have been doing my honest and level best to make it so, carbs are almost completely eliminated, save for fiber, and from raw vegetables.  Well, even those are controlled.  It's more that they are the only carbs I am consuming.  I haven't even been having potatoes from time to time, or other starches, certainly not sugars.

It is sort of amazing.  And, yet, annoying.  We will see what ~1450 calories a day does.  On top of carb control.  Oddly, today?  I only ate about 1k calories.  I am a bit hungry, but... yea...  The off turkey turned me a bit off, from food.  I did try the wing.  It, too, was bad.  Oh well.  I am feeling hungry, but... probably won't eat more?  Actually, I should.  Celery sticks and two tablespoons of peanut butter.  I know, I know, but it IS Christmas.  Shouldn't go hungry on some days.  But have to be careful of else.  Carbs are so sneaky.

I am probably going to be to bed early tonight.  It's a nice, quiet, night.  My mind is at ease, and I don't think I am alone.  People seem to be at peace, at least hereabouts.  The quiet is amazing.  Yes, I can... sense it.  Goodnight, perhaps.  Maybe later.

A shared Christmas.

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A neighbor called to see if I would accept some of their meal.  I gladly did, and enjoyed.  Not sure how to log it, but today, I won't worry.  Tasty.  Good thing too.  The turkey drumstick I tried tasted... dated.  It was fresh, from the store.  And everything seemed right.  Even Sam walked away from it, after a few tugs.

I haven't tried the wing.  But I am a bit full, and time is running out.  I'll save it for tomorrow.  If it doesn't taste good, I won't waste time with it.  My guess is they didn't, where it was processed, get that drumstick packaged and in the cooler fast enough, or the cooler was subpar.  Just a bit bad.  I hate that, when I pay a real price for a piece of meat, to have it be bad.

I did reset the app.  Since I have been already over 200 average calories below the 1879 diet calories, and it is low carb to boot, I found a way to subtract that 200 plus another 230.  The app didn't like it, it says a grown male needs 1500 calories a day.  The problem is, that isn't allowing me to lose any weight, and I have been logging accurately.  If anything, I have been logging more than I have been eating?  Yea, I guess that wouldn't work for me.  But, still.

As mentioned, there were three or four days where I did eat less than 1350, or so, or even fewer calories.  I don't think they understand what sedate means.  And, my metabolism absolutely sucks.  Actually, today?  I doubt if I hit 1350 calories.  The turkey drumstick was less than a pound, and that was with bone, of which I ate little, once I realized it was off.  And, I only ate some of what was brought.  I... have limits, of appetite, these days.  I can only eat just so much, of almost anything.

As well, even on a feast day, I finished eating in four hours.  As to food?  I think I'll have to figure out how to add more veggies.  Minimizing butter or other flavor fats.  It's doable.  Steaming works well, and just a bit extra salt, which keto diets require anyway, though with some butter just not quite so much.  As well, pulling skin from even chicken hindquarter parts, and adding the meat to salads.  It won't be fancy.  But with blood sugar doing so well, the next trick is to lose some weight.  All I have, initially, to lose, is 36 pounds.

I was right, eating 1679 calories, per day, and I lost nothing.  Well see at 1449.  If not, I guess I'll have to go even lower.  Odd, though.  While I doubted I would lose weight, I thought I might... to.  Hoped.  We'll try again.  

I did text my brother.  Now plan to call my mom.  The other peoples I was going to contact, contacted me before I could.  All good.  Later. 

Turkey is going.

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I really couldn't find good instructions for turkey drumsticks or wings.  So, I am just going to make it up.  In the oven, at 415 F, initially covered, for 40 minutes (starting from a cold oven).  I will open them up, at that point, and put them back, open, for another twenty minutes, then flip them for another probably half hour.

Spices are typical.  Save I did add my hotter cayenne to the wing, just a very light dusting on both sides.  I don't, currently, have a working meat thermometer.  I had three, at once.  Two are just gone, one is broken.  Don't even look at me.  A bad neighborhood.  Anyway... So I'll have to go by instincts.  I'm guessing the wing will come out first.  But I want the skin crisp, on both.  And, of course, the meat well done.  Some things, such as birds, and pork, it's just best to do well done.

That will be it for food today.  Though, until time is up, until 17:00, I may eat to my hearts delight.  And, if it doesn't do the trick, I may eat celery and a tablespoon of peanut butter, and maybe a some fruit, with whipped cream?  Maybe.  As long as it is diabetic and keto friendly, today is a feast day.  Not going to push it, but won't go hungry, either.

I hope you all have something something coming your way for a meal.  Perhaps friends and family over, or a call.  And, if not, well... I've done that many years.  Find some joy in that, too.  I have usually enjoyed Christmas, alone and hungry.  You can do it, with a bit of prayer.  Be well, eat well, have a great day.  It's... up to you.  Amen.

Oh, I best get to chores.  I'll definitely save a bit of meat for the tom.  He won't be getting much from now on.  Once in a while, some extra chicken, or such... from time to time.  Though he will get dry cat food daily.  Perhaps it will be a good year for him?  I will try... better than it would have been, without a sponsor to be sure. 

Merry Christmas.

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Noon, and some.  Sore too.  I couldn't sleep well going back to bed.  And, my mattress was out of alignment, the top with the bottom mattress.  But I was so tired when I went back in that I didn't realize.  Like sleeping on a speed bump!  Which, in part, is why I slept so late.  Couldn't get good sleep.

Still, all good.  Still thinking about that dream last night.  It is as if my eyes are still dilated beyond the planes of flesh.  As if still seeing into the sun... Sun.  I can see why, if others had 'dreamed' of being in His presence, without knowing Him through Christ and the book, might well think He is the sun god.  Without context... yea.  And... such dreams are not... easily set aside.

Wasn't there a pharaoh who believed there was only one true god, and that it was a sun god?  I think, through history, there were others who made similar claims.  Gilgamesh's wife had similar things being presented, but she was an creature of altogether evil, if you ask me.  Anyway...

Their litter, first thing, then fed.  When I wake this late, I will feed them.  Next, I have breakfast going.  It will be late, but Hopefully within the hour.  Then, to eat the rest by 17:00... to eat all within the four hour range.  A call and a few texts.  Don't wish to disturb.  Never sure when to send, trying to not hit their meal times.  But some eat it at noon, others in the early afternoon, and some don't eat their feast until regular dinner time.  It's... a trick.  I'll do my best.

Blood sugar is 96.  Oh, but it doesn't look like I am losing any weight?  Then again, I weighed myself at the end of the day.  But, fully unclothed, I weighed 276.6?  Bleh.  I have averaged nearly two hundred calories under the supposed weight loss calorie count for the last nine days.  So... I'll have to begin cutting everything all over again.  BUT!  I did maintain.  So, potentially, I know where the zero is.  The trick is to figure out what a maintenance caloric intake is... at that level, THEN, figure out how much I really need to cut.  I will tinker with some of the programs, see where to go from here.  But, it's a start, and I did very well.  It should make a four hour eating window, for intermittent fasting, much easier.

Thankfully, there have been days I have gone five hundred less calories, and even less, without too much difficulty.  Though I have to admit, I will most likely have to eat higher fats, to tolerate that much lower calories.  Not for the necessity to burn, but for the satisfaction.  Proteins aren't... satisfying.  Carbs and fats are satisfying, if carbs are short run satisfactions.

Oh, but on the good side?  Blood sugar is... very well controlled.  Sure, I am using insulin.  But, I have always been using insulin.  I have done this before.  For whatever reason, this is working for that.  Now to get weight loss as a part of it.  Yes, I think it is possible, maybe.  It just won't be as easy as it seemed like it might be.

It does look like it snowed, but certainly not five feet as some were suggesting.  How much I can't yet tell.  Cats first, then I forgot to step out to see.  One second...  Ah, it looks like, whatever we got, only about an half inch remains.  And, it is 35 out there, so it won't last long.  I may get the plow going today, just to... make sure it doesn't ice over.

I had as good of a Christmas as one could wish, at least as an adult.  A dream?  Okay.  A wonderful one.  Amen.

Going to bed clean.

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Nothing like dreaming of God to make one wish to be in top order.  Even if just going back to bed.  Cleanliness may not truly be next to Godliness, it just isn't on the same plane.  But it is a grace, for here, to allow a moment from our fleshly humilities... one of them being able to be unclean.

On back to bed.  For a fine sleep.  And pleasant Christmas morning.

Blood sugar is 71, but honestly, I am not worried about it.  It isn't crashing, it is just low, perhaps a normal through the night?  I suppose, if it drops, I have things to fix that, up there.  Goodnight.  And... good morning.

Such dreams!

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I had thought I would dream of some Christmas past.  A time, as a child, or youth, when family, friends, gifts, and food were in plenty and generous.  If, of course, I dreamed a thing.  I suppose, when I was a child, I did as a child.  When I became a man, I put these things away and took up things as a man.

No, my dreams were of speaking with great theologians, doctors of the church.  Though, to be honest, our conversations were short.  We... weren't gathered to do exposes on our understandings, or discuss what we thought were the best or most sure notions regarding various considerations.  We were there, waiting, for His birth... in a time before that time.  We knew, even at His conception, our Lord had won.

It seems we waited a near eternity.  When He was born, our joy was great.  Oh, we did discuss things.  We did talk.  In quiet moments.  If mostly focused on what was about to happen.  Imagine, once a saint, safely in heaven, taking pilgrimages through time... to be there... to see.  And with the ones you love.

------

The next dream was to be in God the Father's presence.  As a son before his Father.  Adoration, praise, prayers, directly.  How could this be.  Tears of joy, and of sadness, wiped away.  Humility, but that too set aside.  Averted eyes, but brought to look into His glory.  I could not see until I could not fail to see.  But what I saw was too much for... me to know here.

------

I am sure there is more, but I can't... give more.  Swallowed in moments, or eons.  I'm not sure there is a difference there.  I didn't even mind returning.  Who can worry, after seeing.  Being crippled, in pain, unable?  It's... okay.  It's really okay.  I woke, not able to go back to sleep.  I'll get there, soon.  Just wanted to write these things, and maybe take a shower.

Chores and a gift.

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Their waterers still had water, and were still running, so all was good.  It's a cold day, in that it is wet.  But the wind had died.  If it may be sprinkling.  All good.  A little extra water, one way or another, isn't a bad thing.  We could definitely use the moisture, one way or the other.

I looked around for nesting boxes.  Found, without difficulty.  Then I had a few other thoughts.  I had an old pillow.  It's been washed, is clean, but was just a bit... dated... so it had been replaced.  I thought to use it, but it just wouldn't fit well.  A bigger box, set of boxes actually?  Well, that wouldn't have worked all that well.  It would have become too big, and really, I'm not sure that would have sized well enough.  So, instead, a cozy blanket purchased for when the Sassy was smaller, but no longer really uses.  Well, or when Sam insisted on scratching, and... that wasn't working for me.  Some such.

I also found some actual house insulation, for between the boxes.  A perfect, tight, fight.  I'm not absolutely sure it will work for him, but maybe.  It is out there, as is... was... a bit of leftover steak.  I really didn't want to give up the steak, or share with Sam.  Sassy too?  Never sure if she partakes, but there is enough.  Sam doesn't finish, or immediately, and it ends up gone.  Yet, somehow, I never see her eat my food.  Strange how... cats can do that.  It's as if she doesn't want me to see, so I don't see for her will, if partly against mine?  We are an off family, but it works.

I'll see tomorrow, if he is sleeping in there?  I may put it back, further in, though.  It may be a little exposed for him?  Still, I have done, for tonight, what can be done.  I suspect he may realize he is well considered, and appreciated, if he knows not why.  Who can ever know.  Oh, no worries, it isn't enough to feed him completely.  But it will help, especially as he is still growing.  It'll mean a missed meal isn't so harsh.  It'll mean growth, and health.

Blood sugar is 107.  Just a touch high, but... really?  After 1,773 calories today (it is a feast day, and still below my weight loss plan by 146 calories!), in less than four hours?  I'm good with that.  Definitely eating the right foods for some control.  Night medicines shortly, and on to bed by 20:00?  Well, that is the plan.  

Goodnight.  Dream well.  Even if beyond Christmas presents under a tree, a morning pj raid on those things, candies and sugar plums and such... dreams can sure take one back.  May you... remember... the good ones.  I still remember my grandpa telling me he had helped Santa, who got stuck in the tree outside.  In his union longjohns, no less.  My brother and myself got our first bikes that year... in Royal, I do believe... my fourth Christmas, I think.  Red bikes, with training wheels, and those fluttering things from the handlebars, if those were chrome, other than the white rubber/plastic grips.  Never did know what those strips of plastic which flutter were called.

Anyway.  Sleep well.  Dream well.  See you in the morning.

In four hours.

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I do think if I am going to attempt to consume my meals within four hours, eating the big meal first is best.  Oh, and after that meal, before my next part, a snack really, I did a blood sugar test, 92.  Very good.  I'll test later.  I even remember vitamins and electrolytes.  Plus, now, salt, sea salt.

I have some suspicion that keto is put off by insulin, especially fast acting insulin?  In any case, as I use less and less of that, ketosis begins to take place.  And, because of offsets and slow acting insulin, plus the fast acting I take, ketosis takes longer to be processed.  Which means the difficulties of late have been keto related, not bp, the flu, or else.  Though barometric pressure might has something to do with it yet.

One of the cures is adding a bit of salt to the diet, temporarily.  Though salt deficiency is a potential problem with keto.  I do take vitamins and minerals, plus extra minerals of certain sorts.  For the water pill(s), and for keto, both which can cause opposing body fluid issues, and yet the same symptoms and end problems.  You would think they would cancel, if I believe they expand the extremes of the other, making control a bit tricky.

So, I do what I can.  Chores, or at least a water check in a bit.  Plus a bit of Christmas Eve dinner for little black tom out there.  It is good to be appreciated, and he is.  Oh, I may have to get him a sleeping box... see if he likes it.  A box in a box, with insulation between, and an old blanket inside the inner box.  Who knows, he might even become a minor pal.

I'm saving Christmas well wishes, for the most part, until tomorrow.  I always have a good Christmas, and Christmas to a degree, is every day.  It celebrates not a buying time, or gifting time, save that the latter is meant to resemble my Lord's gift, the greatest gift.  Or, really, the beginning of it.  No, it is a celebration of the birth of... Hope.  Imagine, one borne of darkness, brought to light.  Nothing but blinding.  Not a gift, at first, as Saul, who saw to become Paul.  So I saw.  Anyway... believe or else.  Every day is Christmas, as much as my tale is a truth.  Perhaps just to me?  Perhaps.  Believe as you wish, I know what I must.  Blinding Light, daily.  Through which I now see.  Amen.

Anyway... it's about time to check on the rabbits, warming a handsome little bite for the black tom.  Oh, and to get a little nest for him.  Warmer, in the mid 30s, but now with wind.  And moisture from melting.  I'm sure he'll appreciate.  Later.

Rich.

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Ribeye.  For Christmas Eve.  A bigger one.  That and a salad.  Oh, and I finally tried the crisps, keto crackers, as croutons.  Very good, actually.  Reminds me more when restaurants would put crackers in with the salads they offered, then true croutons, but... I... enjoyed those, and then.  Of course, back then, they cooked with real fats and butters, and were considered unhealthy.

It was a bit much for me, alone.  So Sam got some, and I am saving a little piece to reheat and take when I check waterers.  It was 35, or so, last time I checked out there.  The world is slowly melting.  I hear we may get serious snow, though whether here, exactly, or just nearby, I can't say.  I don't really get that sense, but that doesn't mean not... it just means I don't sense one way or the other.  Actually, if I were to go by my senses, I'd say we won't get much.  Difficult to know, though, always.  Even when I do feel, it... doesn't work that way... or every time.

I am not sure I enjoy having the heavy meal early.  I'm not sure if that is the better way to work this.  All I know is, for today, I am trying it.  Sam sure enjoyed her portion.  I wonder if Sassy will have some?  They are strange girls, taste-wise.  What one likes, the other doesn't necessarily like.  I do like sharing with them, though.

A few beef sticks, and chees slices for what would more pass for lunch, being the middle meal.  Then a chia breakfast for supper.  Turned around a bit, but all good.  I am using a timer in an attempt to not run too late.  Perhaps, even, with my heaviest meal down, to attempt to finish eating within four hours, instead of six.  I'd really like to punch that timetable, so as to have time for any kind of error, and still be within the six hour window of intermittent fasting... but also to, if I do well, get a bit extra on the fasting front... a few hours a day adds up.

I did review the thoughts from another keto guru.  I keep reviewing things.  The problem with 150, or a weight loss portion of 141, grams of proteins a day is that I can't find a way to get that much protein down without using protein powders or such.  Which... I question.  Or, at least, not get that much down and keep fat lower.  I can eat ribeyes all day, but that will be a lot of fat.  And, lean proteins are... somewhat dubious.  Chicken breasts?  Not... doable.  I suppose, I could remove the skin from chicken?  Crisp that for later, as I had been doing.  That is... quite nice.  But, to keep the fat down, I couldn't eat all of it?  Though that might make a really nice crouton type thing for salads, too.  And, without dressing, just that crisped and spiced?  Maybe.

Still, I haven't figured out a way to get that much protein into my diet.  And I really don't like, or trust, powders or bars or such.  Anyway... I am continuing to sort these things out.  As well?  The percentages given don't seem to be matching the calories suggested or the grams by ratio.  Ugh.  I think someone, most people, suck at math.  I'm not great at it, but I know 33% doesn't equate to over half the calories, 4 to 9 ratio or not.  Perhaps the opposite, or closer to it.  But, not if dealing with calories, only percentage of what is eaten?  Trust me, yes, I believe so.

Hmm... let me think out visual...  33% of say fats, carbs, proteins... but by mass? macros? calories?  I'm not sure mass works here, or in a way I could conjure.  But, macros?  Lets say you were eating 100 grams (scale as needed by your dietary guides).  That would mean 33 grams would be fat, and a third, but 33.  That would equal 33 grams of fat x 9 calories per gram, so... 287 calories.  Since carbs and proteins are the same number of calories per gram, and equal 33%, they would each come out to 132 calories.  So, total calories would equal 551 calories per equally distributed macros.  However, from this side, fats would be 52% of calories.  See?  Gotta be clear which side of the mark you are using the percentages, because they really don't make sense both ways, to each other.  Clarity, people.  And accuracy.  

My new new plan is... 91.7 grams of fat, 113 grams of protein, and 20 grams (or less) of carbs (allowing for 20 grams of carbs in raw fresh veggies, fruits, or fibers as well).  So, actually, 91.7 g-f, 113 g-p, and 20(up to 40) g-c.  Ugh, but that variable makes it ugly.  Still, min-max?  Right?  Right. 224.7 grams... but that is useless, it has to be in calories, or it's a + b = ???.  So... calories...  1,357 low to 1,437 high calories, and percentages are... 60% f-l, 33% p-l, 6% c-l, to... 57% f-h, 31% p-h, 11% c-h... l being 20 carbs, high being 40 carbs.  Ugh.  But, if as mentioned, it doesn't work from the calorie side of it.  Which is it's own tricky widget.  

Well, assuming I use this plan... which... I have decided to do.  Then again, I looked at, say, a chicken thigh or drumstick, minus the skin?  That is between three and four to one protein to fat.  That... is doable... if I could handle that much chicken, without skin.  Ugh.  I suppose I could go with leaner hamburger, or even ground turkey.  Well, with any ground meat, it depends on how lean.  At 90%, burger is over 2 to 1, protein to fat.  Still... I'll... see how this new new works, as to practical ability.  While also working at getting more protein in?  Yes, yes, fine.

The thing is, often, the suggestions for this and that don't work as they suggest they will.  Remember, as a child, being duped as to how fast Santa would have to fly?  To, eventually, either realizing the numbers weren't... possible, even at the speed of light, or perhaps worse, growing up to realize it just ain't so?  At least I sorted it out my way.  Oh well.  Well, I will sort out my diet, since others seem not able to do so.

Finally!  I have my mind, app, and menu set up.  Well, to a way that actually matches mathematics with application... if user error may be involved.  Keep it simple, stupid?  Aye, at least... walk until you can run, right?  I will work on increasing protein, decreasing fat, while balancing carbs in that nebulous large variability within variabilities.  Bleh, double bleh.

I do love this app.  It allows me to set things up fairly easily, from goals to % of goals, and a few other things I haven't quite started tinkering with.  The only thing it really doesn't do is make sure the percentages, for example, match with the actual numbers... in calories.  So... yeah.  But... it's not bad.

Numbers, math, on Christmas Eve?  Yes.  Yes.  No time off for good or bad behavior.  You are welcome!  Later.

So...

The good and bad of early.

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Waking up early, that is.

The bad?  Well, if you don't eat until noon?  Hunger can kick in.  My stomach is growling.  Possibly, in part, due to the requirement of a late meal.  I threw things off a bit.  Still, I get to feel the hunger, from around six until noon.  And, yes, it is showing.  As well, I am beginning to tire?  In part because it is dark out there, still.  On sunny days it is a bit easier.  In the summer it can be excessive, until I crash from cumulative sun overdosing.  In the winter, it starts out that way.  This year has been rather good, on that, though.  But, today, it is a bit rough.

The good?  I was able to get to chores before I have even been waking!  I love to get chores early, around sunup or give or take an hour.  I hate when the day has ticked a large or even larger part of the way through.  And the rabbits love an early visit.  They just... I can tell.  When later they are... grateful, but not pleased.  When it's around sunup, they are... ready.  And quite pleased.  Plus, as I finish, it is about time to feed the girls, when this all works out.  

I get their litter first thing, these days.  Often clearing their litter again, right before 'breakfast' at noon, and then, before going to bed.  By the way, clearing the litter multiple times a day, even just twice, makes it last much much longer.  If I forget, for two days?  It all has to go.  If I tend it three... probably twice a day but definitely three times, it lasts forever!  I started with three smaller bags, and in two weeks have only had to 'sweeten' it with two bags, one just yesterday.  And those boxes are peculiarly pleasant even still.

The girls absolutely treat me like a king when their water, food, and litter are maintained to their standards.  And it makes it easier for Sam to tend her old self.  I like to think she continues to live because life is worth it, and she feels loved.  And I work toward that end, in many ways.  Well, there is their alarm.  Time to feed them.  Later.

Oh, but bp was 123/82 with a pulse of 69.  Check.  Giving the meds some time, and allowing for waking up?  One or both of those seems to help.  Yes, chores are done.  And the tom got some food too.  I'll probably feed him daily, twice if there are meat leftovers to go around.  I could hear him, in there, fussing.  He knew food was there, but didn't like company all that much.  :)  I love the way he hates me.

Magic.

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Not 20:00, or even 20:30.  Still, but 21:00 pretty much exactly.  To bed.  I was worried about blood sugar, but felt enough better than I went on to bed.  I slept well, mostly.  Neck, ribs, head, and shoulders, however... I couldn't find a right placement for sleep, so it was a bit of a rough night.  Finally, around five, I woke and worked on a better sleeping arrangement... and it worked!

I didn't think the new arrangement would do much.  Too much sleeping wrong for a few minutes to hour or two to correct.  Still, at least I was in a better place.  About a quarter to six, I woke.  A, that... is super.  I had been hoping to wake earlier.  And, b, that was a short sleep in a better position, but it did help quite a lot.  Even so, painkillers first thing.  I am hoping between that last near hour of better position, and painpills, I might have a better day than yesterday.

Medicine down, with the painkillers.  And my absolute record blood sugar, at 84 fasting!  I won't worry about blood sugar until 'breakfast', at noon.  Haven't decided what I am having.  But, I may have my heave meal at noon?  To see if 'breakfast' is good.  At noon, especially waking at near 06:00, is not a true breakfast, it is just the time when I happen to break my fast?  Right.  So, having the heavy first might not be bad?  I have a steak, the one for the week, thawing.  Or probably thawed.  That and... salad?  With cracker croutons?  And some cheese?  Sounds good to me.  Not a lot of cheese, perhaps a quarter of a cup, of parmesan?  With italian dressing?  Really, sounds good to me.

Then, perhaps, a few meat sticks and cheddar slices?  Then, possibly, half a chia breakfast, or whole?  Something like that.  Nothing fancy.  But it is definitely doing the trick, innit?  And 84 blood sugar, especially fasting?  I... never would have dreamed.  And, I am not crashing.  It's... stable.  That number does cause me some fear, but... I... am going with it.  Leaving it, trusting it.

I did eat about a cup and an half of yogurt, with two small containers (4 ounces each, I think) of low-carb(ish) fruit bowls... pineapple and passion fruit, sweetened only with stevia... or so it says.  Plain yogurt, otherwise.  Oh, I didn't log that.  I'll have to add that.  Yes, I'm... a stickler.  And, while it did throw my intermittent off, tending blood sugar drops is higher priority without question.

Oh my word.  I wouldn't have believed blood sugar could be this well managed, without becoming a terrible monster in the other direction.  I definitely feared it.  Then again, this is one day.  Or two... or... a week.  When it becomes a month, or three, or a year... then we will talk.  Still, it is being managed.  I can't say I am doing all that much, but I am doing what I can.  And tracking it.  I still... don't... understand.  But I will take it!

BP is a little high.  But two things... first, I am altering the conditions of the contract, be happy I don't change things more.  And, it hasn't been given time to work, so it... often is a little high first thing.  I'll... do a read later.  Really, if I have to do several rereadings, I... don't like it.  Besides, I'm lazy.  Still?  This bp is better than when I was on my most stable platform medication, before adding new stuff, and at the worst time to read it.  So... it's... better.

As well?  It is 32 F out there, on the thawed side.  The moisture, even on the ground, is thawed... wet... not frozen.  And, yes, 32 can go either way.  So, when I go to chores, I'll bet the waterers are much closer to empty.  The rabbits will drink last bits through the night, just not much, especially if they freeze quickly.  All good.

To be honest, it is a pleasant day out there, for this time of year.  A good start to a Christmas Eve.  Hmm?  Ribeye on Christmas even, turkey on Christmas day?  Not a bad deal.  Probably one of the better Christmas feeds in... well... quite a while?  I don't actually remember.  But I think so.  Oh, and Merry Christmas Eve.

Something is really wrong.

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BP is 122/79 with a pulse of 80.  So, nothing wrong there.  Blood sugar is 74.  A little low, but I shouldn't feel this awful at that level.  Fruit and yogurt, I hope, will do it.  Neck is cranky, a headache might be on the way.  Bones, really, in the neck and shoulders, which seem to be getting worse.  And, I did drop the 3.xxx mg carvedilol tab tonight.  There is some sort of weather pattern moving through, maybe it has some sort of effect?  I need to get a barometer.  See if that isn't it.

Flu-like symptoms, a bit of a fever, mild this and that.  But things that aren't flu-like.  Ah, remember when I said I felt like it was altitude sickness?  There you go.  That is exactly what it feels like.  Breath, difficult to keep and catch.  Tunnel vision.  And, everything takes a long time to do, and is difficult to do.

I did get the trash and recycling together and out.  Well, to the bins.  As well, I got the plastic cleaned off the racks., mostly just going with the foil.  After I clean those, and the oven, I'll darned for sure put that back on.  I do have holes in it, but so that one leaks on the other, mostly, without leaking on through unless there was a large amount of fluid involved.  This plastic wasn't very viscous, so didn't get on through.

I'd like a shower, but don't think that will happen, not tonight.  Tomorrow, first thing, it is hoped.  And, I am not going to fuss with staying up, babysitting the blood sugar reading.  I'll just eat a good cup and half, plus two fruit containers, and call it good.  If I hit a hard drop, I have candy up there.

Oh, and... while it is windy out there, it was 32 when I took trash and recycling out.  Plus, the world was... melty.  Wet, still, not freezing over.  I am sure it will by morning.  And, I'll be to bed by 20:30.  Would be right here at 20:00, but I need to eat something, and I am a slow damned eater.  I almost wish I could eat fast, as I used to.  Though... come to think of it... I have never been a fast eater.  A few exceptions, but not a norm.

Goodnight.

Good, and yet rough.

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Everything feels achy.  As if I had a flu.  Only, it's not that.  It is low blood pressure, I really do believe.  Maybe lower blood sugar too?  Maybe.  Food was eaten before 18:00.  So, all good that way.  The goal is to be in bed by 20:00, or so.  It seems warmer, if I forgot the furnace on high all night, and then just left it higher through the day.  I will lower it tonight.  That might have been the trouble with sleep.  Perhaps it really was too warm, or to what I have gotten used to.

Sore, actually, as well.  My muscles hurt.  Doesn't make sense.  Every little thing I do wears me out, as if I was doing heavy workouts by just carrying a bucket of water, or getting supper going.  I tell you, it doesn't make sense.  Especially with the numbers being so good.  At least I have been able to do the little things.

I am hoping to get trash together and out, and maybe  shower.  Well, before I can get a shower, I'll need to clear the grates... from the oven.  Hopefully it will all just peel off, the plastic on the aluminum, some of it probably wrapped around the wire.

I purchased something for the house.  Candle powered essence diffusers.  Soap stone, carved.  Not all that fancy, but... decent looking, especially when lit.  I had to look up how to work them.  Easy enough.  I have some essential oils from the past.  And, being the season, used frankincense.  Just one going.  But... it's... something.

I'll need to do more than that, but... for now... it is something.  I have a decent selection of essences.  Wasn't sure what to do with them, after some things I had planned fell through.  This will work.  Hmm, on to seeing about getting trash out, and managing litter.  For all my problems, I have been taking care of things fairly well lately.

Just not caring for the house much.  I'll... keep trying.  Goodnight.

Unimaginable?

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Had to check.  BP is 115/78 with a pulse of 76.  Blood sugar is 112.  Those are supposed to be good, but... I'm feeling not so well.  Ah, I forgot to stop taking the smaller carvedilol pill.  Too late for last night or this morning, but tonight...  Forgot?  Or was simply not sure it was at that stage?  I make up my mind, sometimes, then reconsider.  Definitely taking it out of the menu tonight.

I may have 4 to 6 cc's of fast acting, with lunch.  Which I can eat now, really.  I have to have my last meal by 18:00, it is just 14:46, and... yes.  I plan on a snack, too.  Peanut butter (keto friendly, no added sugar and good simple and few ingredients), to be used with celery and baby carrots.  Might have those right after the sardines and crackers, to wash the fish down a bit better.  I do like sardines, I really don't like sardine burps!

With it being as warm as it is, I won't bother with a later chores.  I can tell, from the sound of the vehicles going by, that it is still thawed out there.  And, with the tom given a good meal, I am not worried about that.  That, in any case, is just a... second thought.  He isn't on my absolute list.  Anything he gets is just a kindness.  Mostly he will get dry cat food, maybe leftover canned cat food.  Only on rare occasions will he get warmed/cooked meat.  Christmas will be one of those days.

I wouldn't feed the girls meats, but I have to live with them.  It isn't good for them.  They really do need raw, fresh caught, meats.  Still, if I don't share, I... hear about it for weeks.  Women, whether cat, dog, human, or else... have issues with "sharing".  Ha.  Sharing?  Something like that.

I best check on what is thawing.  I am hoping for something good tomorrow, and Saturday.  Thankfully, I bought two of each turkey legs and wings.  What was ruined in the oven yesterday was supposed to be for Saturday.  What a waste!  It does make me feel bad.  But, oh well.

Very good numbers.  I still can't believe they are so good.  I am going to be honest, I have eaten and taken meds this well before.  Why it hasn't worked?  Very good question.  Now, am I losing weight?  Doubtful.  But... at this exact moment, that isn't the issue.

I am not feeling really well.  I think, at least, the bp is too low.  I'll... work on that though.  At least I am able to be consciously aware, and considering options.  Making decisions.  But, not too quickly.  Better to procrastinate just a bit, when dealing with medicines which can kill you... or worse.  Yes, there is definitely worse than death.  

At this rate, if things really do work, and I can manage numbers, food, health... summer... if I can acclimate as well as I did last year, might be a really good summer.  Perhaps the best summer I have ever known as an adult.  When I was in the Navy, I was working hard all the time.  There really wasn't time off, or vacations.  Then, when I became ill, it's been rough or worse since.  Summers being worse than all else.

Could you imagine, thirty five years after falling ill, finally being able to enjoy a little bit of life?  All that time, wasted!  Meh, water under the bridge.  I'll keep at it, I'll tell you.  I have hope to have a little bit more to life than what I have seen as an adult, or imagined for decades.  Amen.

Warm out there.

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Well, given the givens.  It was 36, and I read it carefully.  Things are melting, if not quite going in a hurry.  I tried the hydrant.  The handle lifted, but nothing flowed.  I left it that way, meaning to get the heat gun out and get it going when I finished chores.

Their waterers had been frozen, but were in the process of thawing.  I don't think the nipples were running clean, but most of the volume in the bottles were liquid.  And, it looks like they drank most of the water yesterday.  All good.  And, I left a fresh, warm, hank of meat for the feral black tom.  Usually he bolts when I get in there.  This time not so much.  I could hear him back in a corner.  Wasn't happy with me so close, but sure liked the smell of warm meat.  I talked at him a bit.  Couldn't see him.  He lightly growled, a time or three.  All good.  I like the lad.

As I was doing a few last things, inside, I went to wash my hands, but the water was very slow.  Ah!  The hydrant must have started running.  And, yes, it had.  So, I got the girls fresh water, then filled two buckets for setting up waterers for the next few days.  Plus, I already refilled all the waterers from yesterday and maybe before.  So... all good.  All done.  But... 36?  In later December?  I'll take it.

Oh, well... Breakfast is getting ready.  Late, but so be it.  I should be able to eat the planned meals by 18:00.  The thing with intermittent fasting is, you really have to have the start, and end, times be accurate, or you miss the benefits.  Not like it is a major difficulty, at least in my situation.  Just, if I start, say, at 13:00, then I only have five hours to eat.  

Which is why I would really like to get to four hours.  That actually gives me a little time, on either side, if I miss.  I really don't mind, in that case, a five hour eating schedule one or two days a week.  It gives me some slack.  Whereas six hours is pushing getting any benefit, so one hour more does mean a lot.  Bleh.  The thing is, it takes some mojo to get to eating enough calories with the right macros in four hours.  As is, I am having to cut back on calories, and macros of course, in order to do six hours.  Can I put that in four hours of feeding?  I... maybe.  Not quite yet, but maybe.

I best get to eating.  I am having sardines again, for 'lunch'.  Then the last portion of pork for supper.  It's... getting old.  But it has served me quite well.  Later.

Wow!

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I wasn't sure it was possible.  Out of all the years, and trying, even watching my food intake, my fasting blood sugar remained high.  I was always suspicious there was a bad actor involved.  I am thinking more so now than ever.  Now that getting into the house is a bit more difficult, perhaps it just isn't happening.  Well, and a few other things.

Blood sugar is 92 fasting.  That is the first, and only time thus far, blood sugar has been below 100 fasting.  My next record was 103 a year or three ago.  If the next is 104, 106, 108(?), recently.  So the trend is there.  This isn't a fluke.  Is 92 a bit low?  Not really.  anything between 80 and 100 is just fine.  Now to keep it there during the day.

I won't call it cured, at all.  But it... is... better.  That, of course, currently, requires medicine.  The hope is to eventually get off medicine.  But, for now, that is the way of it.  Still, gotta watch it, make sure things can work as they do.  Will intermittent fasting become a problem?  Can I lower the dose over time?  Will I have to?  How will keto work with it, in the long run?

Some say keto and intermittent will fix this.  I'm not so sure.  I'm honestly not convinced it will actually help lose weight, or help with the heart.  I think it can help with thinking, but thinking doesn't get me to work.  Even when thinking is clear, if the body doesn't work, it just doesn't happen.

I did make it to bed earlier, at 21:19?  Give or take small change... it was in the teens after the hour.  I set the alarms, which are still at 07:00 and 08:00.  But, man, I could not get up!  I knew the alarms were useless, so just turned them off on what would have been the third snooze bump.  On the good side, I woke an hour earlier than yesterday, if I went to bed at 23:00 to 24:00 yesterday.

Still, that I was able to get to bed earlier, and break the later rising pattern, there is actual hope that I can pull my schedule back... for what good it does me.  If... that isn't the point.  It's a matter of being able to use willpower.  To focus that and move it toward success in life.  It means I am less dead than otherwise.  If I have to be alive, I would like to be able to use my will toward right ends.

Dreams, all night.  I know the superintendent (or was he just the principle) worked to make sure our teams lost.  Football, basketball.  Did he get paid?  Or was he given some sort of access?  Lots of money involved, even in highschool.  We played against teams with seventy players, and only had as few as eighteen?  Even so, he worked against what little we could do.  I know it.  I have dreamed about it before.  I hope whatever he got, rots whatever ill gains he thought it was worth.  He hated me for sacking an average of five plus sacks and game, and two turnovers, against impossible odds.  He truly hated any of us, who were successful.  Which is why I didn't get the basketball, and was never thrown the football... if though too, his quarterback couldn't throw the ball to save his life.  Maybe he actually tried?

Sleep was a bit rough.  I thought I two pillows was too much, oddly.  So I pulled one.  Nope, two was better, if not very comfortable.  Then, the blankets.  Too warm, too cold, too warm.  I couldn't keep up.  And I peed a lot last night.  Only twice, but I filled half the three litter pee jug.  I had been down to not going at night.  Then again, I started retaining water, and had to bump the water pills.  Ugh.

Anyway... a very good blood sugar, and a bit of an earlier waking.  With hope of getting to bed around 20:00 tonight?  If that is what it takes to wake earlier, sure.  Though, really, if I sleep well, 21:00 should be fine.  I should, when in normal times, wake at around 05:00 to 06:00.  I just needed more sleep last night.

Well, all good.  Some hot tea.  Meds are already down.  I'll get the girls litter, and add fill.  Been keeping their litter nearly pristine, three cleanings a day usually.  Keeping them fed, and watered rightly.  Same decent care for the rabbits.  And, refilled their waterers last night.  So, all is ready.  Might get right out, right now, get them managed.  Later.

Maybe?

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I have been playing Dying Light, and it's dlc game.  Part two is coming out soon.  Or... is supposed to be released in February.  I was as much catching up, as seeing if I wanted to play the second part.  And, while I do enjoy the game, I may wait to see just how trashed with political correctness the thing has become.  I may hold off purchasing.

Now, this game has a lot of little side things in it.  There are no clues, really.  You might happen to find something, but have no idea what it is or could be about, until you seek online.  I am sure there are a few things I didn't find.  But I am trying to find any last quests, or clues.  The only things I won't bother with, in the game, are challenges.  The reason I won't bother with those, is they are somewhat rigged.  Further, since the game requires coop playing to get the trophy, I can't get the overall trophy.  So... might as well not do the things I don't like to do.  I wish they would do a grand trophy for those of use who don't play online/coop.  I just don't do that.

Blood sugar is 98.  Good enough.  Will have to see what it is tomorrow.  I ate around 1,500 calories.  And, probably less, as that was what was scheduled.  I didn't eat all three crackers allotted.  And I only ate probably five or six ounces of pork.  Between cooking down, and feeding Sam, I... ate less.  I'll keep the numbers up, as I didn't measure what was lost to heat or given to Sam.  Even so I am stuffed.

I did check the rabbits, if not mentioned.  Their water was still going.

Oh, and did a major mistake.  I put what was thawing, for meats, in a plastic bin, into the oven.  Then, later, forgot and turned it on.  Melted the plastic bin, and probably cooked all the meats... probably overdone.  But, in plastic wrap too, so... no good.  I'll toss it all and not do it again.  Yes, melted plastic smells horrible.  Thankfully I keep foil on my oven shelves.  While some still got through, most of it stayed with the foil.  Oh well.  I have a new batch of meat thawing.

I think it's about time to go on to bed.  Or near it.  I am a bit hungry, still.  I think because it is so cold in here?  Even with the furnace up, it is really cool, cold.  No, cold.  I definitely feel cold.  Hmm, tea, warm tea, might help.  A cup or two, while I settle for bed.  Goodnight, I hope.

Finished by 18:00.

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Just, but I ate everything by 18:00.  From noon until then.  Actually, a little after noon, but that works out well enough.  Sardines went well with crackers.  And, for supper, I just warmed a chunk of pork roast.  One remains.  It was about 8.85 ounces, or such.  But, after heating, it was down to just a bit over 7.5 ounces.  

I checked the rabbits, before dinner.  Their water was still good.  So, that is that for the night.  Any later and they simply don't drink more water, so the jugs get frozen full.  I haven't ruined any waterers doing that, so far.  And would prefer not to ruin some.

Nothing left over for the tom, but I'll get him a piece of meat when I do chores in the morning.  Heat it up, too.  I really wasn't going to get Sam anything, but... she begs well.  And, it is rather rich.  Plus I have had quite a bit of it this week.  So I gave her nearly an ounce.  Slicing it into small pieces.  Sassy just won't eat it.

I'll get them one more meal before bedtime.  I am still hoping to be on to bed earlier than 23:00.  If I can get there by 20:00, or even 18:00, I'd do it.  Will have to see.  Later, or if unlikely, goodnight.

What about them apples.

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Called my mother.  And... she picked up.  She has been out shopping.  I think a nursing home would be more difficult if she couldn't get out.  And, when she gets out, she shops, and sometimes cooks.  Might even help with cleaning from time to time.

She sounded healthy and happy.  I told her what I was planning for Christmas supper, and she had some advice.  Well, I consider it a heads up, I always have to see for myself.  Gristly, she said, the tip of the wing.  I'll find out.  For me?  Sometimes I like gristle.  On pork ribs, and some other things.  I really enjoy chewing gristle, if there are limits.

Being successful, I decided to call my brother.  I... wasn't sure about some things, but... that... isn't always the point?  Not only there, but he had time to talk.  He is busy, with a family life already.  But, now, with the inlaws living there, and having many medical issues.  He is their cab, and probably chief cook too?  Well, he's the house manager.  Thankfully he gets along with the inlaws.  That helps a lot, especially when they need a lot of help.

It is good to speak with folk.  I'm never sure if it works quite right, or will.  But, when it does, just... so be it.

I'll get crackers and sardines shortly.  Then, with what is left, fill some of the calories and else with pork.  I'll probably cut a similar hank of the roast off, if Sam and the feral tom will get some, or have it left for whenever it is time to feed whichever one.  He has to know I left it.  He can smell me a mile away.  :P  Even when I shower?  Most likely.

So cold in this front room.  Even in the main, warmer, rooms, with  the furnace jacked, I... am feeling cool.  Even with it ten degrees warmer than it has been!  Bleh.  I don't know what the gig is.  Just that I am cold.  Oh, blood sugar is 120, so I'll have 4 to 6 cc's of fast acting with my next meal.  Later.

Another day.

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Rabbits were ready.  I was right, before, to not put water out in the evening, after dark.  They simply don't drink it.  So... I really need to get their food and water out really early, then check it by, say, 14:00 to 16:00.  That would be as late as possible to put out water in such a way that they would drink it.

It is good to have their waterers ready, and the food pail ready as well.  So, when I finish chores, I generally try to see to those things.  Can't do much about frozen waterers, but can put them in a bucket of water so they thaw faster.  And the food bucket is an easy thing.  Save that I am usually tired from doing chores.  Really am.

I'll get the tom more food as I go out tonight.  While I will feed the girls from my extra, I will save some for him, too.  I may take the leftovers out in the morning, nuking whatever for just a bit, so it is warm.  He may never trust to come near me, but he will learn to watch for warm food.  I'd lay money that is better than anything he has ever known.  Might not understand it, but... he'll learn to watch for a kind deed when it's available.

It is 20 F, out there.  Not as cold as it was, but there seems to be a bit of air movement, or wind.  Not the same things, necessarily.  But with similar results... making it seem cooler, colder actually today.  As cold as the 10 to 12?  No, I don't think so, at least if wearing gloves.  Still, cold out there.

Ah, right, bp.  It was good, today, at 115/83 with a pulse of 76.  A bit low, this time, again.  I may check a little later, so see what it does several hours after medicine.  This may be too low.  But there are things I can do about it.  The thing is, while working on both bp and blood sugar at once, as well and sorting out food, and going on a weight loss diet, I'm not sure... I want to give things more time.  If possible.  If I am crashing too heavily, I have to change things.  I am right on the cusp of that, but... not quite.  I really do want to quit this medicine, but it seems to work, and I have a few other options.

Okay, fine.  I am going to stop taking the smaller carvedilol pill... as a trial.  There are other things I could do, but this would be the easiest, and is likely the most difficult part of my medicine regimen to take, and does the least as to effectiveness.  And, wouldn't be difficult to start back up if it's more of a loss than suspected.  So, starting tonight, I'll be cutting that.  And, for a week, I won't bother with bp.  Then I will see how it has worked out... unless something goes wrong in the interim.

I sure feel weak.  Not sure why.  Then again, winter solstice just happened.  It might be that simple.  I definitely hope food and stats eventually start adding up to a bit more activity.  I am feeling better.  I almost never hurt lately.  Though, to be honest, the cells in my body seem, still, to be lacking something.  Perhaps they are so used to high levels of insulin they don't quite have running without quite down?  Or, maybe, the lower bp is still a new thing.  Perhaps both?  I haven't had bp, pulse, and blood sugar all low at the same time since I've been notified that they were problems, and low altogether.  Or, really, as low as either is, ever.  So... there are bound to be issues.

Well, on to the day.  I'll have to ease into the day, if I can do anything much.  More gaming, in an attempt to wake better.  Lunch before long... sardines and crackers.  One or maybe two cans?  Depends... set for 200 calories of sardines, though if the cans are less, could go with celery and peanut butter as a side.  It's sort of fun, when you realize what you need, to negotiate through.

I will be doing more research on protein.  If I need not just a certain percent, but an actual amount, I may have to sort that out.  As is, I am having a difficult time getting enough protein in.  I can get, usually, the percentage.  But not 141 grams (a weight loss amount, based on 150 if just maintaining).  If, below that, the body scavenges itself, or maybe I need the whole 150, then... I'll have to figure that out.  Everyone seems to have a different story.  I need something more sure.

Later. 

It just didn't work as proposed.

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I didn't get down until 23:30 or so?  It beats a 2:00 to 3:00 bedtime, but it isn't what is planned.  Why?  I don't know.  I'll keep at it.  I might be struggling but... I AM struggling.  I am trying.  And there is some form of success.  Up, late, this morning.  Again, not from lack of effort.  I had both alarms set.  One for seven, one for eight, and I kept hitting snooze... a miserable thing.  I guess they eventually timed out, if I don't really remember.  Up at 10:30.  Ugh.

Dreams, of high school, early childhood, and people I knew, as I remember them.  More a reliving than a dream.  But, with the perspective of an adult.  Oddly, peer pressure didn't work on me much better when I was younger than now.  I made allowances, for some people I liked, but let them know it still wasn't true, I'd just not debate it with them.  Especially girls.  I... always liked girls, some more than others, before sex was really a contemplation.  But I didn't just go along, ever.

I fought boys, befriended girls, mostly.  Always had a small pack of girlfriends, some closer, some more distant, only a few I didn't like.

Blood sugar is 106 fasting.  Not bad.  I'll do bp later.  Chores first thing, then litter.  I'll set the time for an hour, then get the cats.  Food, already begging, they know better.  Or should, by now.  Hmm?  Make it two hours.  I don't... want them thinking what they shouldn't.

Breakfast is going to be a whole chia breakfast.  I wonder what adding flax in will do?  I may play with that, adding flax, or replacing one of the tablespoons of chia with it.  At least with this meal, I don't get overfull, and it usually doesn't make me too full for later.  For lunch, a can of sardines and 11 to 13 grams of carbs from those keto crackers... three... if I need three.  Or less if two will do, or even one.  Then, supper will be some portion of pork roast based on my needs at that point.

Next week, I think a beef chuck roast will be the main.  Though, maybe, with chicken drummies or thighs as an occasional alternative, or additive.  Salad, tuna or plain, as another.  The salad is getting long in the tooth, but still, so far, holding out.  Oh, and I want to crunch one or two of the keto crackers, as croutons in the salad.  I really miss croutons, and these should work quite well for it.

Well... on to chores.  Then breakfast.  Getting it set up by the time I finish, anyway.  Noon is meal time, and darn tootin', I plan to eat right about then, or very close to it.

Ugh!?!

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22:15, and just about to head off to bed.  Pill and insulin medicine in or down.  I just fed the girls.  They have been treated twice, as well as having some of my meals, the last two.  I have arranged food tomorrow.  I have to figure out how to add the crackers, but that is fine.

I honestly do not know how people can eat this much food!  Even at ~1900 calories, it just doesn't seem possible.  Well, at least, once I got over the novelty, pleasure, of it.  Now it's... a trudge.  I really wonder if... something is wrong with me, or if the world is a fib... or outright lie.  No one can eat that much!  Oh, a few days a week.  But not every day.

Now, my worry is it takes that many calories to run a regular body.  Based on those who do very little activity.  But, my problem may be that my body simply doesn't work, even sedentary, as much as a normal body does.  To be honest, I think my body is wearing out trying to digest this much food.  I am absolutely exhausted today, and was getting so yesterday.  I keep checking blood sugar, because it feels slightly like that.  At 106, it is as good as can be.  By the way, blood sugar has been absolutely superior today.  Running from 104 fasting to up to 108 I think, but usually 106.

I'll find out if the tom found the gift tomorrow.  Gifts, actually.  I put hard food out earlier.  I'd like to befriend him, not sure he has the capacity.  I wonder what I could put out there, so he isn't so cold?  Stray, wood shavings, an old blanket?  I don't actually feel sorry for him.  I wish I could live, survive, that way.  Then again... maybe that is exactly what I am doing.

One more bottle of water, then on to bed.  It was 12, last I looked.  There was no reason for it to go down further, but it might.  Or up.  Who knows, or can ever really know.  It's beating me up, taking care of chores, eating, feeding the inside animals.  Taking that chunk of meat out for the tom was... more than just a thought.  It was a struggle.  It was more than a mere afterthought.  I hope he enjoys it, but not for the cost I paid, merely because I hope... he may know someone... might care, just a bit.

Goodnight.

A bit out to the tom.

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I'll bet that cat has never had a still warm nice chunk of pork roast.  He has now.  I didn't go in, to frighten him out.  Though, perhaps, he was till gone from when I changed the waterers.  Who knows.  Hopefully he gets back in time to enjoy that while it is still warm.  If he would probably like it no matter what else.

I really didn't want to go out.  It's cold out there, dark.  And, yet, I wanted to do a small good deed.  My guess is he takes care of a lot of mice.  A little bit of generosity toward him, may help him keep doing that.  I'd like to at least let him know that he is welcome and appreciated.

The pork was quite good.  Sam ate her share, and the tom got a good chunk.  Plus, when all said and cooked, it was down to less than nine ounces.  Yes, it shrunk a good bit.  Still plenty of fat in it though.  Even cut down as much, probably about seven ounces in my stomach at most, it was quite filling.  Too filling.

I have tomorrow set up for... much less.  Then again, after measurements were adjusted (without taking out for what was fed to the cats), I am three hundred and more calories shy today.  Ugh.  Well see how things go.  But that really is as much as I can eat.  Initially it was great, but now it is just too much... after only a few days.  All good.  If it still amazes me how much, when scheduled, I really need to eat, or even can eat.

The black tom.

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Feral, very young, but still around.  Not in the garage anymore.  Probably got too big for the path he had been using to get in.  Still, not all that big.  If having to beg, borrow, and steal for food.  Once I realized he beds in the rabbit outbuilding, I decided to make him more welcome.  I took him dry food out tonight.

He has been there every night for the last two, when I checked.  I am sure he will be glad for the food.  I might get him some of the extra wet canned food, as Sassy is just getting too fat, and Sam remains skinny no matter how often she eats.  But she wants to eat more often.

Yea, I could feed the girls more often, and just scrape a tablespoon out of each pot, and take that too him at night, or in the morning, when I go out.  If he doesn't end up eating it, I'll stop.  But... my guess is, even frozen, he'll chow that down like a happy fool.  

I kept think I was supposed to be on six hours?  Feed time?  It's... not possible.  I will either have to cut foods, just try to keep that macro balance I want.  But cut calories, by a lot.  I can't do three meals in six hours.  Can I work with 1,300 to 1,500 calories?  I suppose I could add nuts, but then I'd have to really hit chia to balance, which... has problems itself.  Ugh.

I may see if I can handle just the equivalent of two meals.  It seems to work okay.  While I will eat a third meal tonight, from now on, not so much.  Though, too, if I want to eat little things, in there, I will.  Like a peanut butter and celery and carrot plate in there somewhere, or a can of sardines or cod liver.  Oh... now I have easily keto doable crackers, for the canned fish and fish offal!  That... really helps, especially with the whole cod livers.  Though not a whole can at once... a bit rich for even me.

I did get out to check on the rabbits.  I am going to check later in the afternoon.  It looks like things had just mostly frozen up.  Still some gurgling when tipped, but mostly frozen in there.  And, since they hadn't needed feed, earlier, I checked.  They certainly were happy for feed now.  And fresh water.

Hey, it's not a super life.  It's a little life.  A humble life.  But I enjoy it.  And life is getting better.  Bit by bit, somehow.    Blood sugar is 113.  I took 4 to 6 cc's with my last meal.  Good call.  Sure, trying to run a razor's edge.  But... doing it.  I have the slow acting already in the syringe.  I'll take night meds with supper.  It was supposed to be 12 ounces of pork.  But that is just too much.  And, I cut 10.xxx and didn't want to try another slice.  Further, while it heats, it will render to more like 9.0 to 9.5 ounces.  All good, I am stuffed.  Sam and perhaps the tom will get a handsome piece of that.

You know?  Trying to eat regularly, if you cook a bigger piece of meat, it really... lasts... well.  By eating more, however, I end up eating a lot less.  How that works is odd, but true.  On a regulated diet, I am not wasting, either.  I will far more easily be able to shop, cook, and eat.  This amazes me.  Women used to do this, and were considered nearly mythical.  Now that I know, I find it a shame that they don't do this anymore.  Many can't, most just as well won't or wouldn't.  Sad.  It's so easy, and vital.  Women are just too lazy and self-centered these days.

I only had a few women who cooked.  I tried to cook, but had no real knowledge, so was edging toward excesses in every way.  Fat is fine, to a point.  Sugar, if you aren't diabetic, is okay in small portions.  But when you deep fry fatty sugars?  Yea.  Oh, it was tasty.  It just... it was killing us.

Yes, it looks like I may be cutting back to 1,300 to 1,500 calories.  That will be good, for a long way in the the (to my mind improbable) weight loss program.  And, with me weighing in with clothes on, I'm back to the start.  But... all good.  And, with fats being cut by proportion?  Could be good.  Though I am going to shoot for higher protein.  I am going to try to hit that.  So, fat will be a bit lower than before?  Hmm... I'll... figure it on the fly.  Later.

Something is off.

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While not as bad as it was, there for a while, when I had to change medicine... it, today, I feel winded, and out of sorts in a similar way.  It wouldn't have been from the medicine.  There wasn't anything really doubled up, save the water pills.  At least so far.  I am wondering if medicines finally are kicking in, and maybe this medicine is too strong, again.

Still, I will give it a few more days.  The blood pressure reading doesn't really show it.  And, blood sugar was very good.  I have eaten, but haven't dosed.  My food is low carb, and the carbs involved are fiber.  Not that those don't have some effect, but at 7.9 grams of fiber carbs, it wouldn't be a problem.  

Something is just wrong.  Oh well.  The girls have been fed, their litter is being kept cleared and clean.  The rabbits have been fed and watered, and will be checked again shortly.  As well, they seem to be doing well.  But I am tired, weak, a bit rough.

I am not sure I will be able to eat what is planned.  I am trying to fill the food slots, but it's just too much food!  I have been adjusting things, attempting to make it a reasonable amount of food.  Getting a balance is quite a trick.  Though, cutting carbs has become easy... with this app.  I think, today, it is 5.6 grams?  I can do that.  I just didn't know I could.  The tricky part is actually eating this much food!  I would not have imagined it would be this difficult.  The last several days I have been lagging.

I weighed in this morning, with pj's and a jacket on.  I took off my house shoes, but forgot to remove my keys and phone, a knife, and... well, at least I didn't have my pistol on.  :p  276.6.  I'll... just weigh myself that way, from now on.  I actually don't even care about the phone, keys, and whatnot.  It probably means I have lost between five and ten pounds?  Probably in there.  The next time I shower, I will weigh what I wore.  Did I take my jacket off?  Can't remember.

Ugh, but it's a tough day.  Still, I'll keep at it.  Taco salad, up next, and could go in right now, to be honest.  Oh, blood sugar is 108.  Yes, good.  Later.

A bit late, but better.

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I didn't get to bed until nearly 23:00.  Still, it beats midnight, or running on three in the morning.  And, it's a first beginning step at taking and keeping days.  This is the most difficult trick I haven't yet been able to do.  So, if I can do it?  Life, for me, will change.

If I can roll back the night, to maintain days.  And, then I can control stats... bp, blood sugar, pulse.  And, then, I can eat in such a way that my body can build some muscle back, and keep it, then do that.  Not a lot of muscle, just enough to allow reasonable function, maybe even function and play... say hiking.  Then I can, maybe, try to find a job.  Or get back to school.

I am sprinting, in my mind.  While still stumbling to even stand at a right time in real life.  But I see a possible trend.  I want that... trend... to continue.  There are... real possibilities in it.  It is difficult to imagine, but impossible to ignore.  Something IS changing.

First, continue as I am.  Food planning, caloric and macro management.  Medicine management, and other tending.  Then, in time, exercise.  Perhaps going back to the books, as I am able... reviewing calculus, though algebra, trig, and geometry too... all required for calc.  Then, a preview, review, of engineering materials.  Electrical?  Mechanical?  To be honest, I'd like mechanical to go into guns.  I'm just not absolutely certain there is any real... movement in that field remaining?  Though, at my age, there may be no room for employment.  It may just be... a passive hobby.  Though, who knows.

I was quite pleased this morning.  Blood sugar is 104 fasting!  I have only had one blood sugar, fasting, that good in... the last decade?  It was 103, and Jean commented about it.  I am using 40 cc's of slow acting insulin.  Plus 8 to 12 cc's of slow acting.  That has been decreasing.  I had been on 25 slow acting, and anywhere from 40 to 60, even... sometimes, usually, more... fast acting.  So, definitely a reduction.  I would say, usually, minimally, 85 cc's total before, now at 50 cc's max, and falling.  More commonly just one dose at 4 to 6 cc's this last week?  Or so.  BP is 130/85 with a pulse at 75.  Then again, mixing meds a bit, and just taking it...  meh.  Wanted to see raw a raw read, I guess that is it.  I could take it three more times, get the average way low, but... nah.

Now, if blood sugar lowers, more, I will have to sort out which works better.  To begin going without fast acting, or to cut down on slow acting.  But, for now, it is as it is.  I am flying as much on instinct as knowledge.  I suppose, as with all things, trial and error will have to be applied.  No one knows?  How many people get to where they can begin cutting insulin, and are on two types?

Oh, but I made a mistake with medicine.  I took two day pill doses, rather than a day and night yesterday.  Ugh.  Must have been distracted.  Still, I got two doses in.  It'll mostly do.  I just need to make sure to add water pills in today.  I have been gaining water, for some reason.  Drinking too much fluid?  Too sedate?  A bit of both?  So, I am taking a larger amount than usual, and had increased to 2 pills, before that.  Ugh... the trouble with tribbles?  Or... water.  :p  Yea, if you thought tribbles were bad... you ate never had water problems.

I think I'll get to rabbits right first thing.  Cats are... on the menu.  To be fed an half an hour before I eat.  The timer is set.  Which will set me up to make food to be ready by noon.  I like that trick.  I have had my first water, and electrolytes.  Why electrolytes every day?  Because I pee so much.  Sweet pee... one wrong letter can urine the whole thing.  :p  Or... improve it?  Who knows.

It is 10 F, out there.  But, I am starting to get used to it.  It looks to be a sunny day, though that won't mean a whole lot.  Very crisp.  Still, I'll get to chores very shortly.  I just turned the heat up a bit.  To warm the waterers and my gloves.  While setting water to heat for tea.  A little warmth in ya, as you go out, doesn't hurt a bit.

So... rabbits.  Then, maybe, a shower.  Then cats and lunch breaking fast.  Then starting on dishes?  Boxes too?  Today might be the day.  The first real step back into life, and the rest of it.  Oh, I... like it.  Just a maybe, a dream perhaps, but... given that it is deep dark winter, and I am imagining possibilities?  No, this is a very good sign.  May be no truth to it.  But there might be.  I am not an optimist.  But I have been a very successful pessimist.  What did Christ do, when Thomas doubted?  Showed.  Amen.

Crap!

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I need to check the app's nutritional information more closely from now on.  I severely undercut calories, overshot carbs, and just generally had bad data.  Their pork butt (shoulder) had a bunch of carbs.  Carbs which don't exist when cooking a raw, plain, piece of meat.  So I had to change some things.  And, that through everything off.  Meaning I ate a good deal too little.  Still, the good side, is I didn't overshoot carbs.  Today I only consumed 15 grams of carbs (ish).  The limit, not goal, is 30.  The fewer the better, with a nearly double allowance for veggies, and all the carbs I ate today were veggies.  I should add more.  Can.  Will.

Blood sugar is 87.  Good enough for me.  It goes up a lot while I sleep, intermittent fasting or not.  I am hoping eating more protein may alter that, well, and less fat?  Who knows.  I still have to take slow acting insulin, but that doesn't cause crashes, unless taken right with fast acting, and only then sometimes.  Pills are down just now.  So... it's a good day.  I didn't get much done.  But... I think I am getting there.  Would like to reset the last few waterers tonight.  I got the small ones, from several days, finished.  now I need to get the six split between large and medium done.

I should be able to do that, and make it to bed by 21:00.  Moving slow, but... I'll... be to bed earlier, without a doubt.  I am tired.  Cold too.  Since dishes aren't set up, I am hoping to get a shower first thing in the morning.  I am doing better, and almost to action.  Tired, worn for some reason... but... getting there, maybe.  Later, or more likely goodnight.

The 5th day.

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That is how long I have been tracking, and now planning, my meals.  Some suggest that one weigh themselves every day.  But, since I don't shower every day, I don't get naked every day.  Nor, really, do I want to get completely undressed every day.  Though, perhaps, I may begin weighing myself in pj's and house shoes?  Well, and jacket?  Maybe.  It would set me back, but...  Not all that much.

Yes, today went well.  The meal plan was just right, if I did need to add pecans to make up for a weaker appetite.  Tomorrow is already planned, as well.  I am having chia seed for breakfast, but in that I am trying to cut fats and carbs, I will be eating half the normal amount, saving the rest for the next day.  I suppose, for two days on and one or two days off, I will eat portions of chia.  Still gives me lots of omega 3s even so.

Oh, and the pork did work out.  After heating, half an ounce was gone.  Well, and I probably fed same between half and ounce and an ounce.  So, yeah.  I didn't change the record.  Since I didn't weight what I gave to Sam.  She is just about finished.  Oh, and it was delicious.  I could have eaten it all, I just didn't need it all, and Sam is a fine beggar.

I am realizing something.  If the rabbits have water going most of the day, and they did, they won't drink at night.  The last three nights, after thinking about it, I pulled full frozen bottles in the morning.  They hadn't sipped pretty much at all.  Being this is the coldest day in a while, and their water was still running midafternoon, easily, my guess is they won't more than sip if I took out fresh water.

So?  So, I won't water them at night, if when I check in the midafternoon their water is still running.  If I have to change it then, then... yes, I will refill at night.  It means they aren't getting much, or long, to drink.  So, tonight, I won't water them.  They aren't even eating much.  All good, just... the way things work.  As understandings happen, limit exposure for no reason.  It doesn't terribly hurt to go check them, but... it doesn't do them any good.  I will get the waterers which are probably thawed, reset for... whenever they are next needed.  I still have two, pretty much still full, water buckets.  One will be used for the cats tomorrow.  The other just used to thaw then reset waterers as they are brought in.  Figuring things out, I tell you.

I did take a small dose of insulin with the last meal, since I forgot to take it with lunch.  If there is a problem, a drop, I will most likely try to manage it with food, from now on.  I have fruit packs, yogurt, and some storebought kefir... for now.  Those mix and do well, without overshooting too much, too quickly.  Mostly.  I save tabs and candies for when I am mostly asleep, waking but barely able to move, upstairs stuck between sleep, a diabetic crash, and death.  There is no way, with some of those, that I would make it downstairs.  I'm doing good, with those, usually, to just crawl to tabs and water.  Doing well lately, haven't had that problem in a short while anyway.

I didn't finish by five hours, but not too long past.  It's a beginning.  Something else I am learning is to order food.  Breaking fast needs to be a tasty food.  And, honestly, taco ground beef salad isn't... that.  Pork roast, if it is done right, is.  As is chia seed pudding/cereal.  So, I should probably have the taco salad when only food is wanted, not needed to be 'sexy' enough to induce consumption.  Then again, plain food will always be a bit more difficult to consume.  Maybe I should add more heat.  That does help, for me.

No work, so far, tonight.  Not sure it will happen.  But, then, I was up far too late and awake rather early, considering, for it.  Tonight I want to get to bed before 23:00, hopefully an hour or even half hour before that.  I want to keep daytime, as my schedule.  Heck, if I can do it, I might even try to get to bed by 20:00, 20:30.  I have noted that my wake time is more closely associated with my sleep time than anything else.  If... that... If I can't always choose that, and that isn't the absolute case.  I seem to be sleeping right at eight hours, unless I push it.  Though pushing it can cause me to either sleep more OR less.  But, if I sleep reasonable, eight hours seems to work, give or take an hour on rarer occasions.

So, yes, sleep early.  Have a fuller day tomorrow.  Get to dishes.  Especially if only need to tend rabbits once, and check on them later.  Or... work when I can.  Maybe I am simply fooling myself, and I am just not quite yet up to work?  Yea, that... may be the ticket.  Still, the idea is to work.  Push through if possible... or just take care as is possible, and work when that time comes possible.  Later.

Supper?

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Yes, I'll get to it anyway.  The plan has gone well today, save that I couldn't eat all of " 'breakfast' " and lunchtime.  Why all the symbols?  Well, it wasn't really a breakfast material, and while it was breaking fast, it wasn't in the morning.  So... there you go!  Anyway, I think I will get started with supper.  In a week, or two, I'll be down to finishing all my food by this time.  Starting at noon, ending at 16:00.  It's a quarter after.

I am trying to push my food into shorter times.  I am hoping to be finished by 17:00.  Woofta, it's going to be a push to trying and get all those calories into such a short time.  Then again, I may have to cut calories, or... go with higher fats.  And, what exactly is for supper?  The plan was 8 ounces of pork roast, a cup of broccoli, and a cup of cauliflower, plus butter.

The plan may have gone astray.  I cut the roast.  The first cut was ~4.8 ounces.  So, I cut again, much thinner.  And?  A total of 8.59 ounces.  Then again, while it heats in the oven, it may release fat, so diminish.  And, possibly, I won't be able to eat it all.  I should weigh it after cooking, and if there is anything left over.  No worries, Sam absolutely loves papa food.  And, so, she gets papa food, save for steak.  That is still such a rare delicacy that nothing remains for her.  I just can't share everything.

Odd how things work out.  But... it's all good.  I still haven't gotten to dishes, or boxes.  But... well... I still think there is some hope.  And I pray in hope.  Good afternoon, day, and going onto night... or morning for you furrinners.  ;)

Well, actually, hey... you know?

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The girls and I arrived at meal time at the same time.  I fed them first, of course.  And they seem satisfied.  They are almost learning that three hours is what it takes.  Not a given time, but after I wake.  Don't like it?  Take it up with management.  They are satisfied.  Me?  Way too full.  I could not finish the meal, but pushed to do so.

Why push?  If... the meal was random?  That would be one thing.  Eating everything made, just because it is available, is one thing.  But when the calories, macros, and else were planned, and on a heavy weight loss calorie intake?  No, I want to eat it all.  I... just couldn't.  Oh, but I found a way to add calories and keep the macros fairly similar.  Adding a cup of pecans to the fatted coffee lunch!  That puts it to one calorie under, and the macros slightly heavier fatside, which... is okay.

Every day is a bit more practice with the food, intermittent fasting, app, and else.  I am not only able to do, but to learn, remember.  I still don't believe in weight loss.  But that isn't the whole point, and my belief, or doubt, means little.  I have been told, found a device and foods which allow me to do, so... I do.

I reset waterers.  I thought I would be changing out waterers, when I checked on them midafternoon.  Nope.  They are still running.  Cold?  Sure, but still flowing.  So, that was that.  And, it is 24 degrees F out there.  So it's not like it warmed.  But the sun is shining.  And actually has some warmth to it.  Some days it does, shine or not.  Some days it doesn't.  Still, I'll be ready for them tonight.  At least for afternoon and evening, all I have to do is waterers.  Oh, and to be honest?  I think the rabbits were actually pleased to see me.  Even with their waterers flowing, just... to be checked... makes life seem safer, better.

A fatted coffee shortly.  And pecans, I guess.  Some gaming while I consume and digest.  Then, maybe, dishes after I am ready.  Then a break and more dishes?  Or more action on the soaked dishes?  Then supper, whenever I can.  Trying to push the timing...  Next week or the week after, I would like to be at a four hour eating window.  If I start squeezing, from time to time, if not exactly, now... then I'll be in better shape for that.  Whether I just stay with that, which seems better, or move to a one meal a day thing, is another issue.  I am thinking the four hour eating window is best.  Though, as rough as things can get, some days that might end up being one meal... long, heavy, light, or short.

Ah, bp is 122/78 with a pulse of 67.  That is good.  Good enough for a keeper.  Blood sugar is 132.  I will have a small dose of fast acting with lunch.  Yeah, I'll get on to a fatted coffee and pecans now.  Supper in two to three hours.  I'm not all that hungry, but... it's time.  And I really suspect, in time, with the heart and blood sugar being managed, and if I eat what is needed, I may begin building, being strong again.  Or... stronger.  It's a potential opportunity I don't want to miss.  Later.

Up very late.

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Down very late though.  It was nearly three by the time I went to bed.  BUT!  I did get a shower, finally, and did chores.  To a small celebration by the rabbits.  They thought they were to be abandoned for the night.  And their waterers were frozen absolutely solid, and after very little use?  I don't get that.

Anyway, I'll get them right away this morning.  Now that I have the water they like more available, if it does take a bit of work, it is... easier logistically, and in the shadows of my mind, to water them without worrying about water reserves.  I... always think about what remains, what is left.  Whether when using medicine of any kind, or food for me or them.  If running low, I ration.  Or am likely to do so.  It's... just my nature.  I have lived quite thin.  Either from no money or no ability to shop.  I did it by rationing.

Oh, I am so pleased with how things are going.  Not just medicine, but that too.  BP may be a bit low, but that can be managed.  At least, this time, it isn't so low as to be a shutting-down issue.  I am crawling, while trying medicine.  But there is a chance I can learn to walk on this, or some other, soon to be found, medicine grouping.  I am not passing out in the dirt, only to wake a few months later and having to start over...  if this is rather intense.  Well, so far.  My guess is, that will happen from time to time.  The heart just goes into a phase where it doesn't work well enough, or organs of different sorts begin to fail?  I honestly can't tell you, only that I fail, from time to time, no matter what I do.  But, it isn't the medicine, this time, forcing or otherwise doing that.

Blood sugar is 118 fasting.  Not sure why it is refusing to go down those last few steps.  Food is tops.  Daytime control is pretty good.  Activity is still rather anemic, due to medicine and acclimating, and maybe needing to cut back somewhere.  A few more days and I will decide that, but probably... possibly.  Oh, and my meal is planned for the day.  I could look it over, and tinker with it... a little less meat, a little bit of cheese or nuts, more veggies?  But, it is roughly, and rather well, arranged.  And everything is cooked, just needs heating.

As is, it is 58% fat, 9% carbs, and 32% protein... which doesn't quite add up.  That last percent must be a round down factor in all three groups.  And, it is 97 calories shy of a full load.  For the macros, I'm good with that.  Though, I wonder, if a few meat sticks might add a bit more protein?  If I am hungry, I may go that way.  If not, I am good at being shy calories for those numbers.  Added a cup of cauliflower... need more veggies.  Now I am only shy 68 calories, and carbs went to 10%... all else remains the same.  Check.

Well, time to get the bunny hoppers fresh water.  I'll check them at between noon and 14:00, then around 18:00 to 20:00?  Yea.  Their waterers from last night were put in the water buckets, hopefully thawed.  If so, after watering them, I'll pull those, put the new frozen ones in, and get things reset.

Oh, it is 15 F, and sunny, out there.  Crisp, boys and girls.  I put my gloves near a furnace output in the bathroom, and the waterers too.  Giving them an half hour.  Will take medicine and be ready to check bp after I return and warm enough to be bothered.  Yes, that is getting near to cold.  Either medicine, health, and age have made me more vulnerable to the cold, or I simply haven't acclimated to it yet this yet.  Been spoiled, with superiorly warm weather (seasonally), for most of winter.  So, it might yet be that last.  And, yet, I... like the cold, miss it.  If too, glad to see it warm in the spring.  I like the mix, not sure I would like 80 all year around.

Now, if I can, with else done, I'll like to put up some dried dishes and set up more to be washed.  As well, I can begin hitting boxes.  Finally, I have enough troubles out of the way, and other things going well enough, that I can begin tearing into the house?  I'm certainly squaring up to do that.  God decided miracles will happen.  Turned me into one.  Who am I to deny it?  Not showboating.  I'm humbled in it, more than I could take at one time.  Now, I just do as I may, even more humbly in the full knowledge.  Amen.  Later.