Hmm...

.

.

Maybe not?  After speaking with my mother, perhaps my brother isn't up to anything.  Last time I spoke with her, she had suggested my brother was calling every other day.  Now, just a few days later, and more coherent, she says he only called frequently when she first went back.  So, yea, okay.

And, she is almost certain she is getting out.  That... doesn't mean she will.  It only means she still thinks she will be going home.  She asked me about my plans, I told her.  It is, as always, to be there when she gets home.  To be her part-time help.  No gaming systems, just Japanese lessons, card games we can play together, and maybe a board game, to help with her memory and such.

I haven't told her everything.  I am there, as much to help, as to evaluate.  If, in two weeks, she has improved enough to take back over, then good.  If not, I may spend another two weeks trying to get her back into the nursing home.  I don't want her floundering, and dying at home, needlessly.  She has to be able to take care of herself, take her medicine, and get on with the rest of her life.

I may spend another week or two there, either way.  And I will help her.  Fairly well, I think.  So much easier with two people, potentially.  By the sounds of it, they won't decide anything, there at the facility, for a while yet.  They are running physical therapy with her, though, and tiring her.  So, I think even they are planning on her going home.

Ugh.  I... just feel bad for my brother.  I would call...  Should I call?  They remain in my prayers.  I'm not sure... he wants to talk, right now?  A good time to talk, sometimes.  I'm not timid about sharing in someone's hurt, though neither do I wish to be a problem.  The balance, on some things, I am terrible with.  So... yes, I'll call.  If nothing else, I will leave a message of encouragement and concern.

Later.

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Oh my word!  On top of all his other problems, today was the day.  They pulled his bottom teeth.  His medicine, and general health issues, caused his teeth to go bad.  So, they pulled them all.  I don't know if they will be doing his tops, or if only his bottom teeth went wrong?  But... that... is quite enough.

He talked a bit, but was in such pain there wasn't much he could do.  I told him I will add this to my prayer concerns, and kept it very brief.  I am glad I called.  They have the in-laws, too, in poor health.  They have their health issues.  And this.  What a lug, I can be.  As tough as things can be, here, there are some who... when it rains, it pours.  If you wish to offer a prayer for him, and his family, I'd be grateful.

Brothers.  Can be annoying.  Right or wrong.

Didn't see that coming.

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I watched Star Trek as a kid, on the television.  I used to think television, back then, was okay, until I reviewed much of it.  Same thing then as now.  Still, it was what was done.  I did enjoy S.T.  That and Batman and a few others.  Some reruns, some new.  Anyway, I was looking around on youtube and found something that through me.

At first I... wondered if it was an episode I had missed, or an episode where things where somehow different but nearly the same, maybe an episode they never published.  I watched part of one, but then realized what the gig was about, so when to find the first episode.  You know, for what it is, it was very well done.  Amazingly well done.

I don't think I'll watch more.  The problems with the original, and television in general, persist.  Still, it was a... interesting spin through time and space, without having to go anywhere.  I thought I'd leave it, for those who don't mind modernity, and might actually enjoy the episodes.  I'll leave you to it, with a slight pleasure at having been so well baffled.
It's about time to crash again.  I've gotten a load of laundry started, collected and got trash out after emptying cat litter in part or whole and switching out one of the pans.  I suppose I could feed the girls again... no, probably treat them.  I'll feed them fully later.  I've had two fatted teas, but with much less cream.  Just a tablespoon and an half, per... that's still 86 or so calories per, if memory serves.  I ought to check about whole milk and half and half...  Bleh.

It is only 77° outside, at nearing 14:00.  It is staying very cool indoors, of course.  Partly cloudy, or hazy?  A strange day out there.  Oh... one way to cut calories of the chicken thighs... between a third and half fewer calories... would be to remove the skin, or at least not eat it.  I do love the skin.  But between more and fattier?  I'd... take more.  Doing my best.  As well, I could use some of the skinless meat in a salad... stretch one, add something better to the other.

I think I do have four hens.  Very odd.  Their growth was so variable.  The drakes grew quickly, but a few of the hens sporadically grew quickly, then slowly.  I... I think so.  Oh, and my trick, of putting food and water near the hutch, is making life easier on the broody hen.  She all but thanked me for the change.  If she yelled at me for peaking in.  Women!

Well, on to a nap.  Later.

A better day, save that...

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It can't be a better day.  It is still the same day.  Sleep, what I could have of it.  Waking after six hours, with twelve to eighteen hours up.  Hmm, actually that was about the schedule on submarines.  Only there was no flexibility.  If you missed your sleep rotation, you had to lose that six hours and wouldn't get another sleep cycle for twelve hours after that.  I sleep when I can and must, often at the convergence of those.

Still, six hours was enough.  As the world heats, sleep will become more difficult.  I need a new ac, the one that fits in the bedroom window is broken.  I have considered sleeping upstairs, but I would need to install curtains and figure other things out.  Not quite up to it.  On the list, even if I didn't sleep up there.

I need to try to more fully wake, or sleep a bit longer, more, in a bit.  The hope is to get going on housework, perhaps figure out curtains.  The windows, upstairs... walls, are v-notched.  I am not sure the curtains or rods will cover the flat interior walls.  Perhaps brace mockups, 2x4s cut at an angle, then attached.  Each angle might well be custom.  And while there is drywall, I am not sure if there is wood behind it or if just masonry and rock.  A... complicated production.

I haven't be able to eat, so I haven't been using insulin.  Blood sugar is up for it.  The body is quite strange.  I haven't checked bp since it was so elevated.  Giving it time, for medicine to work.  As well, in spite of drinking less, my feet and ankles are swelling.  I tried three pills, but that wasn't working so updosed to five pills.  It isn't salt, haven't been eating.  Most pains have gone or eased.

The town fire alarm is going.  I always wonder what is up.  I can't afford a scanner currently, and apps seem both questionable as to whether they work, and requiring to much access.  Why would a scanner app, or any app, need access to pictures, voice, record, even location.  Answer, none of them do.  It is data collection for the writer and whoever they have given backdoor access through their services to.  Well, and whoever can hack their feeble security.

Later.  Or much later.

Sleep was good.

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Woke on a sour note.  It felt like a solid punch, solid enough to jar the liver.  Funky.  It was dulled by sleep, was a one time thing, and is sliding off the radar.  Aspirin may or may not be helping.  Other than that, life is peachy.  I am hoping to do a few things tonight.

Fasting blood sugar was 181, two hours later it was 177.  Go figure.  I do, sometimes, slightly cheat on my fast, heavy cream and tea or broth.  I had it yesterday.  Thought it might throw things off, but just the opposite.  I'll see about tonight.  A hundred point blood sugar drop, in eleven hours yesterday.  Crazy.

Not today.

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The vehicle is mostly loaded.  My suit cases are almost finished.  It isn't just laundry, but the fact that the day was already stretching far too long to get a good long sleep in.  Time simply slipped through my fingers.  A good effort was put in though.  I even remembered to stop my mail at the post.

I still have two loads of laundry, one drying.  I might be able to do the dishes.  I got the cat water system reset, and will probably reset litter.  After sleep.  I am overheated, plum worn down.  I can't quite just finish or simply go.  Too late, tired, with too much to do.  I'll get there.

What a gig? Gag?

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Days are tumbling. It's the heat.  It is 88, again.  Not typical, actually. It is cool... for the time of year.  I am more familiar with 95 F days, in July.  August is cooler, if more in the lower 90's, and more overcast days.  But by then, heat tolerance is shot.  The cave is now staying about 75.  Which is too warm.  I may have to bring the ac down, set it up in a back window, and run the two for short, staggered spells.  Or give up on a day cycle, which I don't want to do.

I missed medicine last night.  I will take everything but carvedilol, doubling on that will take me down like a lodestone, for days perhaps.  Still, bp wasn't horrible for it, at 146/86, p. 83.  Blood sugar is the best fasting I have had in a while, at 148.  It is below the average I showed the doc, and should continue to decrease... should.  Plus, I have two more days of fasting, after today, on the schedule.  Should work out.

Checking closer.

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With blood sugar consistently lower, with exceptions for food testing, I wanted to begin seeing about the time it takes for blood sugar, eating gooder(tm) foods, to begin dropping.  Initially that was all over the board.  From a few hours to... days.  As I cleared or eliminated foods, and fasted, regularity has set in.  Still, I'll be checking fasting, premeal fasting, then one meal - premeal, two hours, three hours after, then bedtime, for the next three days.

Today was quite good.  Premeal was 131.  Not great, not horrible, it was what it was.  The salsa messed things up.  After two hours it was up to 158, not a bad spike.  That was a full meal, the second for the day.  It, three hours after, is back to 131, and probably still falling.  I will check one more time, in an hour.  I am still day fasting, eating all within six hours.  Mostly.  I may need to... watch the time a bit more carefully.  I am working on meal size as well, which is helping.  Yes, I can, and should, eat much more than you.  God demands more poop from me, so I get more food!

It is amazing.  First the lowered numbers, now the rate of refresh.  This project is coming along nicely.  I see why the V.A. doesn't want to provide a tester.  Can't sell insulin to a self starter.  And they want no part of that.  Thankfully I don't need them.  I have a doc who doesn't mind me figuring it out on my own.  If he won't call me back.  Perhaps he... Hmm.  I'll try to call again today.

Ah!  While I didn't catch my doc, I did get some info and set up an appointment.  Yeah, diabetes freaked him out too.  When he tested, my a1c was 11.9.  The V.A. tested my a1c at 10.  Freakishly high, absolutely no doubt.  But my blood sugar was running up to 463 at the time he tested, around 230's when they tested, and averaging 124 (all), 148 (aftermeal), and 118 (beforemeal) for this last week.  Medicine is simply not an option.

I did start in on the floor.  It... was a spooky mess.  I had a plan, and some hope.  It is working quite well.  I got the main spill.  I will completely clear that area, let it dry, then sweep all, and hit the whole floor again.  I'll sweep the bathroom, then shave and shower.  Shaving last works for some, it just doesn't work for me.  Oh, I'll set up another pedicure right now, and put both appointments in the device.

Always something.

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Boiled eggs, belt sizes, returns, towels, and more?

I do like boiled eggs.  Often tricky to get just right.  A bit trickier when of different sizes.  Yet so much better home raised.  Only nine fit in the pan I grabbed.  I'll fry the rest shortly.  I even got them semi-hard boiled, how I prefer them.  Questionable?  Are you nuts?  If you eat runny yolks (which I always do), that yolk is more undercooked.  Anyway, I am definitely enjoying country living.  I am cutting back on milk, but I enjoyed going long on that for a while.

As to belts?  A size up is what I was supposed to order.  My bad.  And, no.  There is no wiggle room.  I'll try the jeans before returning, just in case they don't fit.  One return if possible.  I have so many returns I am choking.  Some might have timed out.  I'll find out soon enough.

Oh, the towels which didn't impress me?  By eyes, no.  In practice?  Absolutely wonderful!  I can admit when I was wrong.  Thankfully I don't have to eat crow anyplace but here.  Beyond truly being plush and absorbent, they are massive.  At least 25% bigger than my old bath sheets.  Like a million bucks.  They don't look it though.  I might get a shower tonight just to use one again.

I do need to get vitamins going again.  Cramps.  Legs.  The water pills drain harshly.  A daily multi, plus the major minerals boosted three days a week.  While I am doing exceptionally well with medicine, I never did find and refill vitamins.  I need to refill everything again, again, so now would be a good time.

Up too late.

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I was hoping to see blood sugar drop, well, before going to bed.  And it finally did.  Down to 137 anyway.  I pushed it, in every way today.  Eventually, even simply by happenstance, I won't.  And I won't in vast majority regularity... when I am not looking.  And then maintenance will be vastly easier.  While watching a teapot come to a boil won't actually stop the intention, observing phenomena, especially when one's self is involved, may well have an contrary effect.

I have noticed an odd thing.  I am not absolute about a direct link.  I am exploring it.  If I stay up until my blood sugar comes down, I do better, generally, the next day.  It isn't a perfect fit, but it seems probable, mostly.  Worth a shot, especially on days I push things, for whatever reason(s).  Win, lose, or draw, tomorrow I will have more data.

Looking into the eyes of Doom.

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I wasn't curious.  Until I saw what videos popped.  I asked for a few details, suggested a general notion.  I keep things benign in... certain company.  Not for my wellbeing.  Fragile, but not I.  Not now that I am awake, aware, and immune to gaslighting.  Even so, I think they see beyond what science says will be there.  Difficult for most to look into my alien eyes, but to plumb their depths is to court the unkown.

Probably all laundry.

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I had thought just two loads because I a burned out from folding.  However, the remaining loads are small.  I may not have enough wool or synthetics, though sometimes, if it seems right, I mix those two.  If there is enough even so.  I've turned over one load already.  The grill is going.  Pork ribs today, first meal.  Peas or on.  I'll have milk with the steak.  A small steak later.

Premeal blood sugar is 121.

After 'lunch', I'll hit the dishes.  Then the bathroom?  Later.

Seems to be hot.

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It isn't.  I thought it was partly cloudy.  An actual visual dispelled the notion, if there might be a haze?  The temp is only in the mid 60's.  My body is quite warm though.  Part of it is working through too much fluid buildup.  I lost track of meds and have been a seriously thirsty devil for the last four or five days.  Not corelated, timing isn't right.  Probably.  I'm... back to it.

Fasting blood sugar read 271.  I shouldn't have had the second meal, or all of it.  The steak would have been fine, probably.  It was the potato and possibly the asparagus which carbed it up?  Then again, that is my lowest fasting draw.  So, while not great, trending down.  Today will be a meat day, and some milk.

Rough, tumble, low.

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Life.  A difficult thing often enough.  Toss in being over one's head, suffering seriously physically, while having abandonment issues exasperated, and there I go.

I have too much to do and currently no good way to do it.  The house, the fridge, new and old business, projects, probably more.  It wasn't work that brought me down.  I was down physically.  Working through it was most likely a good thing.  If nothing else it offered real, or causal, pain to balance the system failure based suffering.  I need to get back on medicine for one thing, if I am not sure that helps anymore.  Did it ever?  Can it.  I'll... give it a go again.

My body feels bad.  Ever worn a compression sock, bandage, brace for what seems like too long?  Imagine a whole-body compression device, worn way too long.  Or being gassy, but having that sensation everywhere from torso to shoulder joints to calves.  No bloat or water retention, so there doesn't seem to be a simple actual physical cause.  I haven't been complaining, through the weeks, more maybe, as that doesn't help.  A grumpy body, lack of focus, exhaustion.  Warm sunny days would, might, help, if I truly fear blisteringly, blindingly, hot days.

After my masseuse left for unknown reasons, my pedicurist is leaving.  At least I know why with her.  And I got to say goodbye.  Just someone, but when you have few you deal with pretty much at all, each has an... extended value.  And then on top of the rest. The inverse of the cherry on top.  Such a mood.
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A dream, though.  Pinocchio.  Again?  I am almost sure this isn't the first time.  If this is a vastly different take.

I was Pinocchio.  Of a different sort.  Of flesh, but not what I thought.  I knew the one who crafted me, but knew him to be false... a corrupter and deceiver.  I went seeking whatever it would take to set things right, to understand, to know the truth.  Most of my kind refuse the truth for the vanity of their corruption.  I... just couldn't stop digging at, doubting, even hating, my corruption.  Still tied to it, but not enamored of it as most of my kind... the mirror just never was my thing, less the deceptive mirror.

The search began for the one who imbued what I then, originally, thought was my maker/father, with his will.  Or further, to the first or great Maker.  Most of my kind, in many ways, can't and won't see that far around, let alone attempt to approach that Being.  Reality is too painful for most.  Then again I wasn't sure there was anything out there to be found.  I... just suspected.

Heavy lungs. And some get it wrong.

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Coughing water, if I think my plan is paying dividends.  Not literally coughing water, of course.  Well, externally.  There is a pool in the lower lungs though.  It might limit my work, the weight of the fluid and slight reduction in lung capacity sort of cause weariness.  Then again... time will tell.

Oh, mistakes?  I think some people really get things wrong.  Your choice.  Fear if you wish.  Only, if you have become less than nothing, have had many faces, and have seen through many eyes in time and places, the voice or presentation is correct or not based on truths independent of one's personal sense.  That in no way mitigates objective reality, mind you.  Two plus two only, always, and everywhere equals four and just that.

The third and final package arrived.

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Well!?!  Yes?  Yes.  I... had forgotten that there were three on the way, even while realizing that the whole time.  Somehow.  Two arrived in the mail.  In spite of not remembering what I knew, I expected them all in the mail.  Huh?  Don't look at me.  Don't even look at me, and don't tell me I didn't tell you, warn you, and not once, twice, or thrice, but often and in many ways.  Now imagine what I go through, and worse those who try to be near me.  It's not a trick, just an alternate reality?  It isn't a willful thing, whatever else, it just is.  On the good side, even if I was being patient I no longer need to be.  :p

To town after returning to drop off mail and packages then feed the girls.  Woke so late, so slow blogging and showering, I had to get to the post.  Didn't want want them to suffer for my faults.  All good.  Had to get the shopping list as well.  I got the list but still haven't found it since.  Bah!  Who needs lists.

You all know the trouble with women.  I have spared neither word nor thought on these small troublesome creatures.  Past, present, spirit, flesh, mind...  Well, that is...

Don't believe everything you hear.

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Actually, believe nothing that you hear.  Test it, check it, verify... even then... doubt.  Even when you know it, be looking for how, when, why, not.  This includes God.  He will check out, has for me anyway, so far.  Yeah, I... keep at it, both on Him, and myself.  Doubt will do you great favors, checking is necessary, so times of peace when you reach a plateau of consciousness will bear exceptional fruit from it.  It's... how it has to be, and will be, whether you like it or not... if you intend to live, and learn.

What? Right.

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After days of pushing to make it to 17:00, making it once then falling back, I was awake until 21:00 and change last night.  Not good to stretch that far, at least on an 'empty stomach'.  When traveling, I can do it, and much more.  Just sitting at home, especially adjusting to medicine, not so much.  I woke at 4:00, pretty much exactly.  Seven hours isn't bad, considering everything is out of bend.  Still, it's an ugly morning for it, at least starting out.  Headache.

I must admit, I do ask for it.

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Good(er) friends, enemies, loves and lovers, they know me well.  I hit blows that can't be dodged.  I share pain, I make pain, I don't allow escape.  Neither for myself nor for you, sometimes.  So... I get it.

Three deaths in days.

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One of them made sense.  He wasn't famous.  He had cancer, fought it for years, lost.  I hope it was natural, I hope he sought and found Wisdom before dying, I hope he is at ease... without pain, need, or even want.  I've seen that.  It's... really good.

The other two were famous, and of means.  One seems to have just... ended.  Couldn't figure out what else to do, perhaps saw home as a trap, couldn't figure hobbies or another venture.  He just ticked off and out.  The other, if reports are true, hung himself.  Why?  There... there are reasons.  Not all are correct, or as I put things, good enough.  Some things seem to be forgivable.  Judgment, on a particular case, even if I knew the facts and I don't, is beyond my skills... thankfully.

Still, these last two frustrate me.  Both of those men had great means.  If they wanted, they could have set up a workshop, fitted for wood, metal, small and large engine... they could have kitted and otherwise outfitted an electrical hobbyist space that would make me drool, and not even cut into their actual incomes... just using a bit of feeder cash from interest earned or royalties.  And, if they wanted to upgrade their home, they could have paid to have that done, and quickly... just waiting on the workers, really.

Oh, I see.

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I'm heading on to bed, but not without... some dark thoughts.  Daydreams, understandings, doubts of the future and past.  Not one without the other.  Actually, some certainties.  Not a real concern for the moment, except for those.  I would explain but I really don't think...  Hmm?  Oh, well, this might help you understand.