Yesterday was a great day.

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I got everything on my list completed yesterday, save for extra cleaning here at home. Having clean guns to shoot is like going to bed on clean sheets. I only shot the Henry and the .45. Those will get a cleaning again relatively quickly. As things are warming, I do not want an excuse to not get out. I still have limits on how much I can functionally get done, but that too is expanding slowly. I also sent that package to my lady friend and transferred funds so that I may further take care of a couple of bills. Right now my finances are a bit crippled as I no longer have a debit card to a third of my income, which is directly deposited to a bank in another state. Oh, I have tried three or four times to get that changed. I have no idea why both writing and vocal communications do not seem to get it done for the Social Security office. I will simply have to find a local office, go there in person, and see someone, and make absolutely sure they can 'hear me now'. Ugh but it is harsh when it is tough to do the little you do and that is simply ignored.

I was planning to have my friend here today, for woodworking and a meal. I need to clean more and am not quite ready for a visit. So, I will delay that until tomorrow. Roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy, I believe, will be the verdict. The Lord knows, such meals are a pleasure. And more so when shared. If I have the house really cleaned at that time, I will ask my friend to help with the dishes. Such is the way of it. It is not that bad, but when I go all fancy, such as using a meat platter, gravy boat, along with the cooking gear, it piles up and I am quickly overwhelmed.

My lady friend got her package today. And, almost as quickly after, I received a phone call. Kitty was happy. Hey, bribery works. A chuckle or two even makes it better. She wanted to know if the checks were valid. Way too funny, though I like that sentiment. For a microsecond I truly considered saying "No". I love to hear a woman whine. Still, it was not in keeping with my plan so I let the opportunity slide. I will get plenty of other chances. Conan might have had some parts right when discussing success and "lamentation of da women.", though lamentation is not always a bedtime story. Just... my perspective. hehehe I like womenz.

The heart murmurs, or skipping, are not as severe today for the first time in two weeks. It was getting progressively worse, so I really am not sure. It is still there, just milder today for whatever reason. My breathing has eased a bit too, but is still a bit tight. This time or next, it... I am dying. I am still glad I gave the warning. I had been set to call my mother and others and begin looking for someone I could trust to check on me every few days. I like this home and do not wish to ruin it with the stench of my dead corpse over some extended period of time. And more, I do not want my cats to have to eat from me to survive. I do not care about the care of my corpse, or that animals might eat from it, but I worry what that might do to their minds. As well, and something I am going to start to do, is look for a place which will take my cats and ensure that they are placed in a home (hopefully as a pair). If I have to put some money in on that, I guess I will have to do so. I feel obligated to them. And, I love them.

Well, on to my day. No one knows, save the breathless, what a fresh easy clean breath is worth. It is golden, by the way. Later.

Death watch.

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My heart is having problems. Like an engine with a bent rod, it thumps, from time to time. It is laboring. My breathing is not as automatic as it should be. It too is difficult at times. I still seem able to be physical, that does not seem to help or hurt it. The thump is enough to wake me at night, the worry about breath enough to make sleep difficult. I do not know if my chest hurts. I do not feel pain, always, like I should. I think my time here is either ending or at a serious crossroads.

If I do not write for a day or two. No worries. A week can pass. But if a month goes by and I have not written, at least at this point, understand that I will probably not write again. I had hoped the water pills might fix enough of the problem, but I do not think water build up was the issue. Untreated high blood pressure has probably put a plug in the thing. I just, after a few weeks of considering, decided it was time to let it be known.

Okies, the good and the bad.

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I had a few things in my game I wished to complete. As can be the case, the job might take a bit longer and be a bit more arduous, tedious, than first suspected. So, I pushed. For the last two days I was up until 6:00 to 7:00 getting the dratted tasks done. And, I still did not get one of them done if I did do all that was possible. Some things, I have come to understand, simply are not possible. It has nothing to do with skill or time or work. It is akin to trying to climb a rope, starting at the bottom, when it is twenty feet too short. Sometimes you cannot know until you have done all the work to get to the point of understanding. And, so it went. Fine, I did those tasks and am back on track for simple gaming.

However, I missed a fine day for shooting. My friend called at around noon, according to my phone. I think I even heard it! Doing anything about it is another matter. Those silly cats of mine even worked to try and wake me up. Sassy finds noisy things to knock over. Nothing glass, yet, thankfully. She had food, milk, and water, so I think she just wanted attention. If she did it during waking hours, I would think something caught her fancy. She does not. When I let Sam out to play I noticed how fantastic the weather was. So I decided to do something about it, if today was pretty much shot.

I got on the horn with my friend. Shooting is planned for tomorrow. Then, Saturday, I will bring him to my house where we will work on my shooting bench, and maybe see if we can get my reloader set up. The bench, first, of course. But that should go together fairly quickly. I may pick up safety glasses and hearing protection while in town. I suppose I could just use my shooting muffs. I will price it and see. I will also, finally, get that package off to my lady friend.

This also means I need to clean my shooting irons tonight. The .45 is fine, but the .22s all need a good cleaning still. I also need to get the package set up for my lady friend so that I can pretty much just grab a carry all to send it in at the post office and then seal, pay, and send. I also need to do some cleaning in order to have my friend here. I am still way ahead in that department from a week ago, but that is not all that good.

I needed incentive to get to things, I guess I have created it. After a couple of days of working hard on things, I got lost again. But I did not get so far lost that I simply melted. Oh, I am hoping the weather is still good tomorrow. If not, we may just do the wood work tomorrow and hope Saturday is good for shooting. We will get to it, darn it. I miss plinking, having man company, and just getting out. While the game is fine, and it does let me out to a degree, it is nowhere near as fun as the real deal.

Hey, get off it and get to it. Set yourself up through obligations and do not look back. You know you want to see friends, do things, and go places. So just do it. I am off to make some supper and then get to those guns, a few dishes washed, and some laundry going again. Hmm, hoping I can get to sleep a lot earlier tonight too. Later.

Why no steel masts?

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I keep thinking about masts, on sailing ships. Wooden, for the most part. I suppose modern ships might use composites, perhaps even metals. Then I realized they had no steel in the days of the great sailing ships which come to mind. And, even if they had, it would probably would have been iron that was available in any quantity. The sea would have eaten that, and quickly. An odd thing to think about, it happens.

What else in this world is missing. Things we have that actually could be used but are not being implemented. Often these oversights are due to industrial paradigms. "We use this because we have always used this and we always will use this, material, product, style". And, to some extent, if it is not broken, do not fix it. There is some wisdom in that. As we know, however, wisdom must be tempered as all things must. A greater need here, meaning a lack of material there, and... something else must be used.

As an engineering type, if more in ideas at this point than in real world applications, I try to look at my world and design or redesign around needs, wants, and the practicalities of costs and availability. In my personal world, I do fairly well. It would be considered subpar for many, but given my circumstances, that I am not dead, in jail, a hopeless alcoholic, or worse if that is possible (it is) and that I am sort of managing to own a home... I really have to say I do okay. Automatization, my friends. The few meager technologies I can muster I use to crucial effect. The trouble comes from those pesky tasks that cannot be automated.

Anyway, it would be interesting to see a ship of the old sailing style, but made of steels that can withstand the sea, sailing the big blues of the world. Even one would... satisfy my curiosity. I may have to do research and see if someone else was both curious and industrious enough to make such a project real. I had a friend who fantasized about native Americans with compound bows. Me, not so much. I think it would only have stretched out the inevitable and probably made it much worse for all involved. But a steel boat? Yeah, I could do that.

Good night.

It seems so thin.

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Success that is. Oh, I know, just getting up, dressed, checking my finances, doing some shopping, going for a meal with my friend, picking up a card, and checking the mail IS thin, by any real metric. Still, even in engineering school or in the Navy, great successes still seemed thin. And, in truth, they are. If for no other reason than that they are fleeting. What you did today, over the last week, or for a whole lifetime, save for there being a God and grace, will come to naught. That is the long of it. The short of it is, as soon as you succeed, you have locked yourself into sure failure. You will, if nothing else, be competing with yourself. That is the middle run. The short run is the question all will ask. "Nice work, what have you done for me lately?".

Still, I take what I get and move on. No time can be given to the idleness of life. Do, do, do! When you can, how you can.

How do you measure success? Is it the accumulation of wealth or merely survival. Everywhere in there, some call it good enough. I suppose my real measure of success comes by way of how many people have concern, fondness, perhaps even real love for me. Those things, by the way, should they be real, are mutual. Oh, sure, I can say I love all, and mean it. But that is not the same thing. No, this is personal. So, how successful am I? I can only say for my part. And that is private. I will say that when I love it is real. It is not based on what others do for me, who they are, what they wear, what they drive, or such. And yet, it has stiff limits. I know that God says to love our enemies, but I also do not believe He calls us to allow them to slay us. This, I think, is another kind of love. Much like loving and forgiving those who sin against us (providing they repent). Such love and forgiveness does not negate proper punishment or repayment of damages. It is a messy topic.

Anyway, in a secular manner, I was successful today. I did what I wanted to do, for the most part. I planned to do too much, again, of course. But I did get a majority of it done, and more than I practically thought I would. Further, I plan to push and finish the last bits tomorrow. Yes, I do. And I think I will. Time will tell. Still, even should I complete these tasks and more... It seems so very thin.

Ah well. Good night.

Getting to it.

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After a rough waking and rougher time getting my mind wrapped around consciousness, I think I am ready. Dry from my shower, half dressed already, and about ready to check my lists, look over my finances, figure out what to do, then make a game plan to get it done. Some beans, rice, and ham first though, I think. Not too much food though, just a nip of soup. I would like to get some of my stuff done then grab my friend to go for a bite to eat. Hmm, McDonalds if this is a short month for him, or the Mexican restaurant if he is feeling more flush.

Not a cold day, but certainly not a warm one either. With rain seemingly possible, the chill cold wet hangs in the air, drips down the back. If I do less in this weather, I do prefer it comfort-wise. I guess, as with food, water to a degree, sleep, and other things... the more uncomfortable I am, the better I perform. Oh well. I just cannot be a sadist. Then again, and too, I know those things only boost performance in the short run. After which I simply become miserable.

The sun is smiling, just started. I guess that is a sign. Have a great day. I hope you get a couple of your tasks done.

How odd.

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I must admit, I have been neither flossing nor brushing through this extended down time. As things get better, I begin my pseudo routine again. To my surprise, flossing was not an issue at all. My gums are not bleeding, though I seem to have one sore spot, but I think that is due to something specific not really related to brushing or flossing. I told the dentist, last time, that my checkup was so good because I use those plastic flat angled toothpicks. She laughed at the notion, probably all the way to the bank for those who believe her. Now, I brush once in a while when I am going out. I would like to do it several times each day (when I am going out), but unless things change I have little chance of that. I floss once in a while, mostly to check. I am still amazed at my teeth. Oh, and the other thing I do, I drink two gallons of whole milk a week. I do not completely buy that you are what you eat. Not in all cases. But in this case, probably. My bones are still... stronger than they have any real right to be and there is the teeth thing.

I just got up. Moving slow. I am still sore in the mornings and I have no idea why. The soreness, as a general rule, begins to clear in a few hours. Perhaps as I become more active this will solve itself. Already took my shower, and flossed and brushed. Getting out is looking more sure. I did put the beans and ham away yesterday, and the pot is soaking. A little of that to see me off, but just a bit, and I should be fine. Shopping, checking on and paying a few bills, sending a package which is way overdue, and then some more stuff here at home when I return. I might really get it done.

Good day.

A grinding halt.

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Nothing was done today after an initial flurry. Tomorrow will be a bit different. I need to check the mail and get started on the water pill, get to the grocery store, finish a couple of loads of laundry, and do a bit more in the kitchen and house. I will get some or most of that done, I think... I have been wrong before, both in how much I get done or how little is accomplished. A box of chocolates indeed.

I did phone my mother. She sounded chipper. In spite of getting a spat of snow, and expecting more, I think she can see spring from her front porch. I have a similar sense. It is nice to talk when everyone is on board the happy train, though perhaps it is more important when we are not. When we are down is when we need it the most and want it and seek it the least. What fools, and yet, it does make sense. Who wishes to share misery? Well, okay, other than them. No one likes them anyway.

It is a bit chill here, still. And I suspect after chill, comes rain with chill. Actually, it has been raining. Spring chill is often worse than winter chill, though it is a hint that warmth is coming. I am looking forward to the summer. In my own home, near some places, knowing the area better, I really hope to get out a bit more. Even if I merely walk to the dam, do some shooting, swimming, or fishing, and then walk back, I will be somewhat pleased. If I can do that often enough to where I think a mountain hike would be in order and then follow through occasionally, I would be downright ecstatic. If I can get to hiking in the mountains several times a week, I will be downright impressed. That last is what I am looking for in order to prep up to longer hikes, overnight stays, and eventual winter camping. I dreamed of the cold winter wind in my face in the mountains in the winter, and I mean to see that happen. We are, indeed, strange creatures. Stirred to action, and epic action for me considering everything, by the stirrings of our sleeping imagination.

Well, I best get to bed. I have things to do tomorrow. Good night, Jane... Mom number 3.

How it works.

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I neither know nor sometimes think it is any of my business. When it comes to my life, a little information would be nice though. The kitchen is starting to take shape, most of the dishes are cleaned and put up, including the pots and pans. Food has been cooked, the pot for the rice cleaned right away, laundry is being done, and beans are on soak for cooking tomorrow. This is how I like to live. It does not take that much time or effort, and yet that little time and effort is not available to me usually. I can even do this and still game.

Why it works today and not yesterday anyone may guess at. I at first thought it was eating, and rice, again. But, no. I did not get to cooking until I had dug through the kitchen AND felt secure that I would continue to do so. More mess to the pile for a temporary food is more frustrating than not. I still need to get the trash out tonight, and will do the weekly complete scrub of the kitty litter boxes. The rest of the house is getting 'lick and spit' on my way through, though it will need a good deal more. I am hoping to get my house up to Mom specs, within my abilities mind you, and then keep it that way at least until I visit her, if I am able to do that.

I have no clue why the carburetor works today, but not tomorrow. Or is it the accelerator that sticks or the fuel line that fouls. There are too many symptoms, if it all comes down to pure unadulterated exhaustion. The root cause, something I cannot treat. Three months of heavy exercise did not cure it either. Every single day I worked out I had to push with all I had to get out the door or to get started, and that was with a stimulant. The only thing that showed me was that when I have the way, my will is indeed good. Anti-depressants, when stopped, led to no worse a life but ended suicidal thinking. That is not the answer. Mood stabilizers were only partially useful to counteract the anti-depressants. Talk about creating one's own problems to solve, I think psychiatrists have that in the bag, though only after learning from doctors. Go figure why I have no trust.

Grumble, mumble, gripe, and moan. I am still tired, right down to the bone. Give me a three, if you will. Cause this last line will not rhyme. :p I hate poetry, by the way. Maybe even more so the so-called sophisticated stuff. At least limericks have jingle, a little life, and are not usually nearly so sappy. Still grumbling! Bah!

Rice.

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Such a simple item. A grain, probably developed thousands of years ago or more, I would only assume from some grass. I do not really have an interest in that history, the biology (such as it is) surrounding the natural and modified state of the grain, or any of that. I, simply put, have no interest. What does interest me is the grain as a food.

I cooked a batch recently, as my kitchen is actually starting to resemble a kitchen again. A few days on that feed bag has seen me to being fed, being rightly full, and having normalized bowl movements. Now, I use whole grain rice. White is fine for some but I always feel hungry after eating white rice. Which, to me, was a clue. It is also part of the reason I am trying to switch to whole grain pasta, same same. McDonald's food can allow me to function in a g.i. way, but why not do that with rice and hugely fewer calories? Not only does whole grain do all these things, but it truly takes care of my hunger with quite a bit less product. I need 3k calories from McDonalds to do what 200 or 300 calories of brown rice can do. If nothing else, compare prices, look at long term health issues, and there you go.

No, I will never quit McDonald's food. I will simply use it as a treat... for getting off my butt and into town, for doing something right, and even then only a few times a month. Plus, that treat will have to share the spot with my favorite Mexican restaurant and my favorite steak house. Given my wallet issues, treats of all sorts will be slim. It is not about not enjoying foods, it is about not only eating to enjoy, or even eating just for volume. I cannot even quite say that, because I love my rice and beans, if I cannot eat it in volume as it is quite filling.

If you want it on, eat the stuff that turns it on. If you are lost, listen. This stuff is not just good for you, it is good. You might have to get used to it, but once you do, you will understand. Consider it medicine, until you realize it is not. Yes, a plug. But it is a non-commercial plug. You can get whole grain foods at any store, and possibly even grow it yourself should you have the time, inclination, land, and such. And the plug is as much for you, the reader, as it is for proper foods. I am dying. I am dying fast. Nothing, at this point, will change it. But I want to die doing the right things anyway.

In the Navy, my nickname was Madonna. It 'gingles' with another of my names and was based on the fact that I was tight. Tons of double entendres going on there, and no I am not even close to gay. But I ran things as well as dictators are supposed to run things but in an ideal way. I expected, and got, the best. I pushed others and myself harshly, offering rewards when due. I showed and told and expected. And it worked nearly flawlessly, if with some serious work on my end it was work I enjoyed. Success is very sweet smelling. So, sue me if I still try. Dying or not, that is how I roll. Now, get some whole grain foods and eat. You can thank me later.

Shooting.

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Have you ever wanted to learn to shoot? Oh, no worries about owning a .308 or a 30-30, a .22 rifle would be just fine. There are people who teach this, and for a small fee. They probably teach relatively close to where you live. As a fact, if I can get in gear, I would love to go to one of their functions. Oh, sure, I can shoot. Rifle, pistol, my mouth, that would not be the point mostly. I would like to have them cover ground I might have missed, have someone offer advice on things I might have learned incorrectly, and to just share some time with fellow shooters. By the way, women and young ones have a much reduced fee if too the fee is not all that much anyway.

The Group is called Appleseed. If you click on the name, you will be directed to their home page. If nothing else, stop by and look at who they are and what they do. There are not many causes I really go with, even the NRA has ruffled my feathers recently. This group, however, seems to be simply and purely about teaching an American tradition. I guess I like it simple. When it gets too political, it can be turned I think. Anyway...

Good night... morning... whatever. Be well.