Oh, I...

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I feel it.  Rough in the morning, and an early morning... unnaturally for me, in the extreme.  Received on the day?  I suspect so.  Exorcisms, I mean.  One?  Several.  Does a body good.  Fine.  I will begin the rosary again.  Wasn't stubborn, against, was just so tired.  Medical still isn't the best.  But that boost is quite good in an odd way.

Strange offers.

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From links sent to sites offering ways to boost site traffic to all but direct options to hire boosting.  I am not interested.  My ego simply isn't involved.  My numbers are dropping, at least if google is to be believed... it isn't.  The thing is, I only write to expel thoughts... to clear my head.  Real, imagined, religious, mundane, goals, hopes, plans.  To be rid, to help solidify, and other things.  If someone finds a visit worth his time?  Cool.  That just isn't the point.

I feel sorry for people who need to feel liked enough that they pay real money for a click farm to manufacture likes, visits, or such.  Some of it might be an attempt at padding ad revenue, if I can't see that panning out.  Funny thing?  Most people realize, with a brief investigation of a site, that the popularity is bogus.

Heck, I try to keep my blog hidden from search engines.  I don't know how well it works, but only get an occasional hit from bing, if that is a regular?  Or someone trying to show me something...if so, to point, I have not caught a point.  Numbers, real numbers, are hidden.  For political as well as economic reasons.

Though, to be honest... I suspect an overcount, at times.  If I am certain of an undercount from time to time.  My readers get new equipment, new software, and drop from sight.  I have two other means of measuring, each with their own limits.  But, yeah, no I won't buy clicks.  I might cut back posting, but do that as needed anyway.  If this is writing, it isn't for money.  Who would pay to get their various dongles, or lady parts, even if rightly (just pretend it is so, regardless of your beliefs), stomped?  I give the same fruit I must imbibe, good, bad, or ugly.

Then again, Mark Twain ran much through his wife while she lived, or he would never have seen print.  So... winging it solo comes with solo acerbity... bitches.  Well, and it comes with all of the assorted pathologies of the singular which wasn't designed to be alone.  Such are our times.  Women seek Kali Ma in the wilds and worship, men seek Crom under his mountain and the riddle of steel.

There are, as a friend recently suggested, only three sexes... males, from Mars; females, from Venus; and the other 33 (or has that increased again?) queer sexes, from Uranus... with the caveat that single adults of either sex are... oddities too, even... or moreso... if that becomes the norm.  Social sink?  I was thinking that should be 'sync', but I now believe it should be both.  Connected dissolution, social-civil based devolvement.  Yes.

Anyway... what was the question again?  :P  Feeling much better already.  Chia cereal is almost ready, an a.c. vinegar ketonic is going in, meds down... all go and good.  Have a wonderful morning, except nosy union bureaucrats who may eat shit and die on your way to hell.  I still keep you in my prayers, faster, always faster.  There is no other way for the prideful, envious, deceitful.  Later.

Up even earlier.

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Not sure why.  I went to bed very late, almost midnight.  Again, I woke, but too early.  It was around 4:30.  I fought to return to sleep, and lost.  Yesterday I had forgotten to turn the furnace down.  I thought that might have been it.  Nope, it was turned down this night.

I feel bad.  As yesterday morning.  I did return to better condition by midmorning.  I am hoping for that again.  I may take extra aspirin today to kickstart that.  Furnace is back up, medicine is about to go down.

I tried steak sous vide last night.  It was okay.  I am having problems getting steak done right.  Or my taste buds are shot.  Maybe age or illness are the problem.  It is really for vegetables though.  I'll have to shop before I can try those.  Soon... I hope.  Getting it together and then getting out is proving impossible.

So much for the V.A. blood sugar strips.  They say use before 1/31/2020, but two in a row have given error codes.  Then again they had started to diverge from my reliable tester, going from thirty to seventy points higher.  I guess not working is better than bad readings.  Government goods and services are no better than the Soviets understood.  Maybe worse, being overpaid on top of it.  At least Soviet bureaucrats also starved, and got the retirements they deserved.

Later.

I must grin.

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Something about not understanding possession?  Oh, I do.  Which is why I advise against yoga.  Oh yes, indeed.

Awake so early!

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A few minutes shy of 6:30.  I have been waking in the 10:00 to 11:00 range for a while now.  Down around 20:30, which is also rather typical.  I didn't want to get up.  Well, did and didn't.  I struggled to either wake or get back to sleep from 6:00 on.  Didn't really come to a conclusion, merely couldn't get back to sleep and was pretty sure it wasn't possible.  Just lying in bed is painful, for me, if awake.  Is that normal?

Medicine, blood test, bp in an hour.  Not feeling well.  Aches and pains everywhere around the torso, with a heaping helping of exhaustion... just not the kind which can be transferred to sleep.  The miserable sort of weariness which just oppresses one right down to the bones.  It might melt off in a bit.

Lots of dreams the last few days.  I'll cut them down, keeping the idea as intact as possible.
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Two nights ago, I took my deceased friend to a barber... from a time when he was still living.  He got it cut way down, and tried to get me to get mine short... to what I call a mission cut.  I refused.

Yesterday night...

The first one.  I was driving by a granary when the weather changed.  As well, something was attacking through the weather.  Vehicles were being tossed, even filled grain trucks, so I got out.  I had déjà vu, and knew what to do, short term.  I called as many to me as I could, told them to follow me if they wanted to live.

Most did.  Of those who remained and within sight, all were killed.  Those who followed but too slowly also died.  The rest of us made that initial sprint, took a break, then took a few more sprints and breaks.  That dream ended as we were taking shelter for the night.  The town looked to have been destroyed.  We were going from cribbage to barn to house.

In the next one, a friend from longer ago invited me for a visit.  A Christmas and New Year celebration.  By New Year, I was exhausted, so didn't go with him and the others.  I couldn't sleep though.  So I cleaned his place.  I knew he had worked to make the place nice.  I had tried to keep it that way, but it had gotten rougher.  He was amazed.

Last night...

The first dream was similar to the one in which an attack took place, only I was in an army unit which happened to be driving by the coop.  I wasn't ranking, but through attrition (from the attackers and probably created weather) I became senior.  This time the enemies were id'ed.  They looked like grasshoppers.  They may have been mechanical.  There were also larger, definitely mechanical, other attackers.  The grasshopper things could bore right through a man in moments, and they were in a massive swarm.  It, to, ended with the town destroyed and my group, which hooked up with another group, settling in for the night.

The other one was about a one night stand.  Started out innocently enough.  I was looking for a man's earring.  I went to a shopping mall, then to Penny's or such.  I didn't really know where to start.  She was there.  She looked a bit frumpy, a bit faded, wearing a white two-piece skirt suit.

When I made my request, she made an off-hand insinuation.  I mocked and rejected her in the same response.  When her attention was gained, and here attitude correct, I explained it was a wedding present for a friend.  One of the bikers (riceburner type, as opposed to the Harley crew) I knew.  She then became pleasant, tried to help.

She was probably 30, or close.  I wasn't even close.  She asked if we could do lunch.  I suggested it depended what exactly that was, and about walked away.  I was clear what sounded good, if I didn't think it would happen.  It was available and did happen. I don't remember how it all came about.  She was late back to work.

She seemed frumpy, but was actually quite slim.  Looking back, she was probably required to dress down, so as to not put off the heavy set clientele.  The first two times were good, but that last time, she was really trying to get pregnant.  I had learned enough about women by then.  Yeah, she was one I had forgotten.  No, I never went back.  I never really liked this method, felt unclean, wrong.  And I had much younger women available.  For as much as I liked sex, I really wasn't all that into it. It just... happened... a lot.  I'd still like it, just not three times a day... usually.

Later.

Sous vide?

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It's a plan.  I already have a vacuum sealer.  I just needed... well, I wasn't absolutely sure.  So I got the minimum plus a few extras.  Should be in tomorrow, some arriving today.  I am not convinced it would do well with meat.  Vegetables are why I really made the purchase.

There is another reason... freezing the cooked, or nearly cooked, bagged vegetables.  Buy them fresh, cook them quickly, let them cool then freeze them for a very fast later reheating.  Enough for a week, or month, at a time... reducing wasted food and continuous shopping.  Even quartered cabbage, perhaps squash?  Mostly keto veggies though.

Blood sugar was down to 196.  I just had a bowl of chia seed cereal, though had more of a nut variety.  Sliced almonds, whole pecans, sunflower and ground flax seeds, hazel nuts... limited to what would fit in a cup plus two teaspoons of flax.  Then half a cup of cream plus a cup of milk... initially.  The cereal was rather thick, so up to another cup of milk was added, if probably closer to two thirds cup.  It does need sweetener, but is rather tasty.  I haven't tried pumpkin seeds yet.  Variety of crunchy material really helps.

Now I am having a small spiced ketonic.  Later, spaghetti.  I will be trying einkorn noodles.  I doubt if it will be any better than regular whole wheat.  Might not be tolerable... whole wheat is as bad as regular pasta, but is heavy and doesn't absorb the sauce.  I'm just dying to try this stuff.  Who knows.

Later.
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After an hour, blood sugar, with both the fatted tea and chia cereal, is 203... a seven point jump.  Not good numbers, if I have definitely had worse.  Next?  Pasghetti!  I am sure it will be rough on the numbers, but sometimes you just have to do it.  Tonight is the night.  Generally, I am eating the right foods, just not on the correct side of the number scale, yet.

Odd.

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To bed early, earlier.  A bit after 21:00.  Even so, I couldn't shake sleep until slightly after 10:00.  The ducks have been tended.  The cats will wait.

Driving practice has restarted.  I was nervous.  Did rather well.  New tires, but snow in some places.  It about evens out.  I also contacted the fellow about the feed and hydrated lime.  I was able to get eight bags, so can pass off several.  Funny thing, the special hog feed is similar enough to the special fowl feed to be used in a pinch.

I don't mind offering some things, as the couple are a good source of information, and work help both ways, as well as friendship.  If I put in poles sometime, I could get help.  And, should I rent a post hole digger, we may well use it to put in a few hydrants around his home.  They are quite handy.  As well, when chickens, or other fowl, come due for butchering, there is help there, and trade...  I prefer hindquarters, they prefer breast meat.  Oh, and I'll take all the offal I can get, and feet, discard backs, and skin from part trimmings, for broth.

I need veggies.  Yeah, the fast?  I realized I couldn't do it.  Why?  I had several plackets of meat thawed.  No, refreezing isn't an option.  I cooked chicken and a beef roast last night.  The rest is in the reefer.  The trick is to intermittent fast, keep it short, and?  To be honest, it isn't working.  I think the problem is that I need vegetables, desperately.  Hopefully today, mild shopping.

My blood sugar was down to 166.  This morning, after a smaller dinner, if all meat, at 19:00 last night, is 225.  Bleh.  Oh, I found the V.A. blood tester.  It works fine.  A few points higher or lower, nothing significant.  So, I can use it up.  I guess I just couldn't believe, from my food, that mu blood sugar was that high.  No more meat thawed, after this until after a three to four day fast, then perhaps a several day fat fast.  Ugh.

Later.

Dispossessed?

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Events led me away from writing this post.  Back to it.  It should be done.  The title is meant as pleasant humor pertaining to the topic.

Several days ago, it hit.  I think it had started several days to a week before that.  If I had to guess, prayers of exorcism.  One?  More like several.  A focused event, before the illness request.  I felt it solidly.  I... sometimes, often... always question what I write.  Self doubts, uncertainty about what it is I am perceiving, insurity whether to share... much, perhaps most, is not shared.

Up late, moving quickly.

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Up to 3:00.  Unusual.  I have been sleeping around 21:00 for... a while now, waking a bit later each morning though.  I've tried alarms, to keep on schedule, but while those can help in the short term they terribly botch it in the longer haul.  What I wouldn't give for regular schedule, or the health to pretend as in the service.

The ducks and girls were tended first thing.  A shower and shave today.  Hopefully in time for the post office.  Ugh.  Actually I best get going.  Oh, fasting... for the weekend, only unsweetened tea, hopefully until Monday morning.  Blood sugar is 256 this morning for truly no right reason.  If blood sugar isn't better, I may try a fat diet... that is half my standard calories, as close to 90%  fat as possible.  Egg, bacon, the fattiest nuts, avocado, heavy cream, and such.  Several days of that, since fasting longer doesn't seem possible, for me, yet.

I best get going.  Later.

What a strange... girl.

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Yeah, well?  She had a point, once?  She was never chasing a devil, only her wants.

A late wake.

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Bedtime was early, 20:30 perhaps an hour later.  I slept well, just having to go to the bathroom once.  I didn't do much yesterday.  I woke at 7:00 and small change.  I was awake earlier, just by a bit.  I gave Sam a full massage suite.  That can help me wake.  Sassy was there, but wasn't interested.  She just wanted to make sure I wouldn't go back to sleep.  The earlier I wake the sooner she eats.  That cat is all about food.

Dreams.  I can't remember them.  Two very different subjects.  A girl in a bikini, woman to be clear.  Nothing happening, just a pleasant conversation.  But the subtexts were clear to me.  As they are in real life, only spelled out in cartoon/comic dialogue boxes.  She was selling.  Because of the desperation of her methods, I wasn't buying.  If she is that needy, she probably can't be trusted for monogamy, or hoped to have children.  That was derived from a picture from the dream... a stillshot capture.

I must admit, I didn't want to walk away.  She looked... good.  I know, when younger, I rarely walked away, if I was clear up front that this wasn't a thing, just... a moment.  Usually I could keep to that.  Not always.  Sometimes I couldn't avoid a particular woman well enough.  Sometimes I almost didn't try... until I remembered how savage it is to lose a family.  Yeah.  Sharp looking dame.  Ugh.

I got stuck on the driveway, well and general wants of chores.  I overloaded, yesterday. Blew a fuse, gasket, and nerve or three.  The neighbor plowed.  So...  Hmm?  Today?  I won't make plans, not deep ones.  A bit of spiffying in the bathroom, then a shower and shave.  I'll see after that.  I am hoping for much more, but will keep planning to small modules as such.

I really want to get to groceries.  But today?  So much to do, even before cooking, I may wait for dishes to be completed.  I really want cauliflower, but also jicama, daikon, and regular radishes if I can find larger ones... lowcarb potato replacement varieties.  I have serious doubts, but that isn't a preclusion to effort.  Actually, doubt is a call to action, if it is a true doubt, not an exclusion.  Careful with that.

Ducks, girls, a shower, then a shave.  I got the electric trimmer work done before the last shower.  I can get the blade work done this time.  I'd still like to get to a straight razor.  Anything she can do?  It's more about learning to sharpen the razors and keeping them sharp.

Bad news.

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My mother's friend has had a major heart attack.  He took a few aspirin immediately, then called my mother.  Thankfully he didn't go all manly and refuse help.  Even so, after several surgical forms of intervention, he is in a seriously precarious condition.  I asked if she needed anything.  Prayers, I was told.  I can do that, and multiply that... if you would be willing to add a prayer or two.  His name is Tom.

Not good.

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Blood sugar, with the trusted test strips in, has read 179 the last few times.  I can't find the other device or I would compare.  I will when I find it.  I haven't had a bite in hours, didn't eat much, and it was all very keto.  I have time for a fatted tea.  A small one.  This isn't making sense.

I am absolutely exhausted.  Worse than typical.  I got almost nothing done today.  Slow, late, little done.  And my upper body is too hot, my legs down is too cold.  That's a new one.  A meat loaf, with cheese melted on top, a spiced fatted tea, a vinegar sipping, and an half a cup of mixed hazel nuts and sunflower seeds... that was it.

I can't get off my chair.  When I can, I get lost until I find myself back in the chair... as if finding myself even meant what it might seem.  Lost and found.  Youtube seems to have stopped being about music.  Almost no new, music or otherwise.  I wonder if they are dying... or worse, changing like mtv.

Anyway.  Later.

Something is way off.

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I am using a different blood monitor.  I ran out of that which I purchase myself.  By the time I could afford more, I ran out before the new test strips arrived.  So I thought I would take a chance and use the few supplied by the V.A.  I am reconsidering that choice.

My blood sugar, fasting twice, then after the ketonic, have been outrageous.  The first two, a few hours apart, were 225, this last was 272 after the ketonic.  A tablespoon of cream has never kicked blood sugar like that.  A cup of the stuff doesn't do more than a dozen or maybe score of points potential as a worst case.  I am doubting the machine.  All good.  The strips that read right (according to lab drawn a1c's) will be in soon.

I am about to shower, dress, then plow the drive.  More snow yesterday.  Then... everything, or something, else.  I don't think there is any reason to continue checking with this device.  It is just plain wrong.  I wonder how many people they force onto insulin with this mal-calibrated machine?  No wonder they don't want us getting our own devices... or meds.  Actually... I am beginning to wonder... just how much of their medicine is sugar pills?  Seriously.  Later.

Too high, but why?

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Last night, at 196... this morning at 225.  For one thing, vinegar needs to be consumed before food, and maybe several times a day?  It depends who is talking.  But, okay.  I'm starting with a vinegar ketonic.  I will have another one around noon, then one before my first meal.

That wasn't all.  I started having caloric ketonics early, midmorning.  Which would be fine if I used that as the start of my intermittent fasting.  I ate calories over too long of a time span?  I don't know, but I think so.  I am pretty sure I didn't eat too many calories.  Fats were in good order, as were proteins, with only four to six carbs.

Every day is a new opportunity.  Today I will test ketonics.  I can't have the spice ketonic, as it needs fats, thus calories, for absorption.  But, how much fat?  If a tablespoon would be enough, that amount of raw whole cream doesn't, from experience heretofore, cause an insulin response.  I'll... test that, as I like to have a few of those a day... turmeric (1/2 Tbsp.), fresh ground black pepper (1/4 Tbsp.), ginger and cinnamon (1 Tbsp.), from a Tbsp. to cup of whole raw cream in a quart or two of warm tea.  If I am not going to have chia cereal (like today) I will add ground flax seed (1 Tbsp.).

Crazy sounding stuff.  Actually interesting to consume.  A few drops of sucradrops or other (very lightly sweetened) and it is good to go.  I tried it salty.  Not preferred.  I save my salt injection for the vinegar formula, half a Tbsp. once a day.  The rest I eat, or skip.  Yeah, it is different.  It is helping, in some areas.  Ankle swelling and salt craving down. Extreme irritability?  *grins*

I need to get to the store.  Veggies, like or not... if mostly wanted foods.  Plus just to get out.  A call to the docs, at least one appointment, checking where I can get scripts, a shower first, post office, dishes, laundry...???  Well...  IF I'M ALIVE!  ;p  Later.

Not bad.

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An hour after the keto cereal, blood sugar was up.  At 164, eating to my satisfaction, I won't complain.  That is only a thirteen point jump.  There is something, however, that was forgotten.  Something that seems to lower blood sugar... an apple cider vinegar ketonic.  So I am having one.  I'll check sugar in an half hour, then an hour after that.

It looks like Desert Cat was right about veggies.  Too many sources, and what I am seeing, is tracking toward evidenciary results.  So I am beginning to look at veggies a bit more.  Looks like my favorites are in there.  Kale is okay, especially drenched in a.c. vinegar or butter.  But cabbage, brussels sprouts, avocado, spinach, asparagus, cauliflower, even tomatoes (when good ones are available) and carrots, and a few others are good.  Broccoli is very good too, but always a challenge.

Six to nine cups a day?  I don't think so.  Between cost and constant shopping, that is beyond my abilities.  However, kale powder and wheatgrass powder, mixed with regular veggies, might make that more reasonable.  Eat fresh until gone or bad, then go to powder until I can make it back to the store.  With the price of powder, I would be motivated to shop more often.

Anyway... I am figuring things out.  Not the perpetual exhaustion, but I am trying to sneak past it, to get some things going.  Ugh.  Later.

Funky.

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I had a late meal.  I didn't believe it would matter.  It did.  An half portion of chia pudding sent blood sugar from 135 to 223.  I hoped it would be down this morning.  I waited until after some shoveling.  Nope, 247.  I waited to eat to take another reading.  I didn't want to see the number, so stalled eating, just having fasting ketonics, until 13:28, at which time it read 175... right before starting lunch.  That is a 72 point drop, but still disappointing.

Breakfast. The last of the salami and a fatted tea.  I will miss that.  Everything tasted so sweet.  The salami, the teas, my fingers?  Crazy.  I almost wondered if my food had been poisoned with sugar.  Seriously.  I have been eating off and on since.  Two hours later, in the quarter of my (potential) mealtime, another read... 151?  Okay.

I am about to have a bowl of chia.  The thing that might be throwing the reading is either messing up intermittent fasting, or a new food I am adding.  If it jacks now, within my i.f. window, I'll suspect the new additive.  One new food or process at a time... or just a few.

Bp is a middling range.  I wear out quickly and easily.  Whatever.  Later.