Well?

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I can't be sure what is wrong.  I know today was better than yesterday but pretty similar to the two days before yesterday.  Cutting sugar didn't help or hurt, changing my medicine a bit didn't do a thing, being less active seems to help, though "less active" is rather relative.  I did fry a number of pork cutlets, which makes for a wonderful meal.  I have shrunk the glass I use to take the potassium but 2/3rds of what it was.  It still takes a long time to sip that down.  It makes for a very heavy meal like drink.  I have been hitting the aspirin pretty heavy.  I can't keep that up for long though.  I may do some research on what other otc pain medicine can be used safely with aspirin.  While I like aspirin just fine, I am actually lucky to be able to tolerate it daily daily, like the doctors want.  Using it for a pain pill on these rare occasions might upset that balance.

When my vegetable stack becomes large enough, and varied enough, I will begin adding a can of that every other, or every third, meat meal.  I suppose I could add brown rice, or a few other types of grain.  I guess I am simply mostly a protein and fat kind of guy.  I am honestly not sure what vegetable are, in the protein, carb, fat scale, but they don't really seem to fit.  What are they, vitamins and such?  I need butter with them, so I suppose I could call them fats.  :p

Just... updating.  Nothing special happening, nothing planned, little gumption, and not feeling well on top of things.  Other than that, it is pretty good here.  Ha!  No, really.  I plan to get back in to take my friend out for a ride or to shoot Monday or Tuesday.  I don't have an appointment until nearly the middle of next month.  I would, I am starting to seriously think, like to figure out how to set up and install a window air conditioner in my room.  Oh yes.  I certainly would.  I can handle heat so long as I can cool off quickly, if need be, and for sleep.  These hot days, while relatively tamed by my home, are still getting into the late 70's, early 80's.

Never mind.  Have a great evening. 

Rough morning?

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My nap took twelve, nearly thirteen, hours last night.  I may have awaken in the night, and maybe once at some point in the morning, but until about 8:00 I didn't truly stir.  I woke to a seeming wall of pain so getting up was difficult.  I tried to angle my waking approach vector this way, then that, then shifting a bit after that, trying to find a way through to wakefulness that might be somewhat less painful.  I don't think I truly figured anything out that way, but when I finally stirred at a quarter to 9:00, waking was a bit easier.  The pain wasn't as bad as it was initially.  Still rather cranky though, I took extra aspirin with my medicine this morning.  At least it isn't an actual migraine today as it was yesterday.  At least I know I can do things right through a migraine.  Some people really can't.  Vision can get a little fuzzy/funky, but yesterday wasn't the worst of migraines either.

I remembered, first thing, about the groceries.  I brought them in, took them to the basement or wherever, feeding the cats after the first trip.  "But poppo, what about our bellies?", they yammered while bringing in the first packet.  My duty is to them, I accepted that, so, yeah.  With happy kitties out from under feet I carted, sorted, and stored a goodly lot of food.  I replaced what I had used, then some, plus bought groceries for up here.  My main worry, going forward, is meats.  We can't count on refrigeration, let alone a freezer.  It will have to be canned, dried, freeze dried, or something else.  I tried freeze dried meats, beef cuts.  It was somewhere between shoe leather and tree bark, and twice as indigestible.  I don't know how their hamburger is and am reluctant to give it a try, but I will eventually, if more for long term storage.  Canned meats are only good for, say, a year for sure, two or even three years as a serious(ly risky) maybe.

If it comes to the point where I have everything I want truly stocked, save meats, it may come time to consider chickens and goats.  Beef would be my favored, but breeding, handling, feed, and what is produced from what is fed favors the goat far too seriously.  The land I own could sustain up to six, even eight goats, while only allowing for one smallish cow and calf.  And while that one cow would outproduce any single goat on milk, and that one calf would outproduce any single meat kid, the numbers just aren't the same and the kid would be meat ready in months, not a year.  As for chickens?  I am not sure how that would split out, though I would want a breed that would produce good eggs and good meat, rather than a specialist species either way.  But how many one would need to produce both is a whole other notion.  I doubt if more than two chickens a week would be wanted, as things stand.  And even that might be a bit much.  Still, that would be over 50 food chicks.  Which... I simply don't know how many hens would be needed to produce that many feeders, on top of eggs.  I'll... get right on figuring that.

I have decided to simply hold my money for this and next month.  The chronograph will simply have to wait until my mother returns home.  At least I have a good idea of when she will be arriving and leaving.  It is time to begin planning a small vacation.  Just a few days in the mountains.  With it being August though, to be honest, I am not sure even the mountains will offer much refuge from the heat.  I asked my friend where it might be cooler to visit, and being sage in all things Utah, he suggested... Alaska?  Hehehe!  We needed the chuckle anyway.  I am still thinking Park City, though I will be digging around in the next few days.  I want my mom to have a few days off (uhrm, and myself).  If I don't plan it she won't go, preferring to stay right here at home.  And, maybe rightly.  I'm... thinking.  If I thought I could figure something out, even a few day trips, perhaps that might be enough.  But with the blazing heat of August, even those are suspect.  But just staying at the house she will continue to work.  Bah!  Blasted woman!

That extra aspirin has helped.  I've taken my medicine save the potassium, which I will do shortly.  I did notice something else.  I thought I was taking my full dose of medicine, but I had been missing something.  Losartan had been increased to 50 mg, I had been taking 25.  Now they are raising it to 100 mg I believe.  So, until that arrives, I have bumped the dose to 50 mg, as in intermediate step.  The problem was I still had 25 mg tabs, I had been using them two at a time, to use them up.  You know me, I hate to waste... becoming waste not, want not type of guy, finally, or at least finding my way back to that in a functional manner?  Something.  Anyway, when I started medicines back up I simply took one of what was in the bottle, forgetting my old level. I should put a note of what I am taking, the dosage too, right in the sack of medicines. I am back to using up the 25 mg tabs, by two... I will use those up first, then have to use the 50 mg two at a time when I start taking 100 mg.  Hehe  Slow but sure?

Have a good day.

To town.

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Brutal.  My head hurts like it hasn't in months.  Normally headaches are just background noise.  Not today.  For whatever reason I feel the pain, and hard.  I was busy goofing though, when my friend called. I had promised to get him shopping yesterday or today.  Yesterday didn't happen.  He called at 17:30, wanting me to be there to have him at his bank by 18:30!  Okay.  So, I didn't talk long, jumped and moved, showered, counted out some bullets and grabbed a couple of packs of primers he wanted, gussied up, and hit it.  I made it in plenty of time but his bank closed at 18:00.  Ah well.  I went to my bank pulled out the cash he wanted and put it on his tab.  It's not... really a loan.  He wasn't asking for money he didn't have, only money he couldn't get. 

On to the stores.  He needed tobacco, and I needed some too, so to this store.  But that store didn't have this or that, so to another store.  Then, finally, to a last store.  I bought too, my monthly short/mid term supplies (which I broke into, so replaced what I had used as well).  The first day of grocery shopping is always a pricey one, but it lasts well.  My head was hurting terribly the whole time, but I think I was mostly sociable.  He had too much to simply let him off, but I couldn't stay long either.  So I helped him pack it all up, then came right home.  I have the stuff that needs refrigeration in, but the rest will sit in the car until after a nap, perhaps. 

Oh, ouch.  It is a brutal, hard, painful day.  Still, I've enjoyed it, mostly.  Hopefully this is just a passing thing.  I wonder... I have been using sugar since I was out of Splenda.  Perhaps that is what is causing the headaches?  It could be the heat, though the nights have been cool enough for wonderful sleep.  I don't know.  Tomorrow I will begin going without sugar again.  I'll know might find out if sugar is the problem or not.  The knots at the base of my skull are so tight and have been for so long that they are incredible.  I hope another dose of aspirin allows a nap, then a sleep.

Good night.

Ouch.

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A cranky day.  I doubt if the "ruling" yesterday has any part in the pain of this day, if it doesn't help.  A headache, couldn't wake until noon, general illness, not good.  I did get my medicine set up for the next two weeks today, and I started my potassium.  A smaller glass of Gatorade mixed with the stuff is the way I am going for now.  No, I was ill before I took anything.  I may take an extra set of aspirin and hope that deals with the pain.  I can't be certain what the problem is but it is going to be a rough day.

While the ruling yesterday was not good, it actually doesn't effect my outlook.  I had given up on a political cure long ago, if you remember rightly.  Until Romney is seen as being as leftist as Obama is now, nothing will change (for the better).  The Republicans, including Romney, suggest that if elected they will begin to dismantle zerocare.  In other words, they will keep what they want and discard the bits they don't like.  Who knows what they will be keeping, assuming they gain power, but don't count on them not keeping the mandate.  Either through "negotiations" or a realization that the parts they want can't be kept without a mandate.  You have no rights and your reps could give a rip about what you want.  They are all making a fortune off this and monsters like it. 

It is going to be a rough day, whatever.  Still, I need to get to the store, though much later, when it cools a bit.  I had hoped to be in town after dark, but with the sun not setting until well after 20:00 or even 21:00, and Sam's Club not staying open that late, with my friend needing something from them, it looks like I will be heading in more like 17:00, give or take.  I hope aspirin does the job because right now I could not get to town.  Ouch, youch, and zouch.  Not a good start to the day. 

I did fry gizzards for lunch.  Yum!  I used the only flour I had on hand, whole wheat.  And, you know what?  I think I liked it better!  Seriously.  I was quite surprised.  I have several pork cutlets to fry before long.  I look forward to testing those with this flour.  I am absolutely amazed.  Plus, they brown so much better.  Who knew!  And, I still enjoy my little life, what is left of it, and will continue to do so.  Life is hard, but enjoying it?  Not really so hard, no matter what else happens, if I just shut my eyes for a moment and... let things go.  God does not have me here, in life.  Not technically, though there is some suggestion otherwise in the book and theories.  But we will all die, some of us horribly, in great pain.  Some of us live that way.  If I think Father didn't want it that way, He did allow us to choose the way of pain.  Father tells son about gravity, son chooses to jump off the roof of the garage anyway.  Done that, been there, have the memories to boot.  He has me ultimately.  And, yes, that is enough, more than enough.

Later.

No surprise.

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The Supreme Court is showing it's lack of reason to exist. It's sole purpose is to discriminate whether something is constitutional. While suggesting something is unconstitutional, then building a new way in which it can be claimed to be constitutional for it's "client", or self, depending on how you look at things, it has basically suggested that whatever the government does IS constitutional... even when it's not. I figured they would either try to weasel out of making a decision OR declare the abomination as constitutional, somehow.

Some will look at Roberts and wonder what is going on. To be honest, I suspect his Catholicism is behind this poor performance. I am not sure if our Pope takes a stand on things like Obamacare, but the US Bishops do, and it is the wrong side. Why they think they can offer the government the kind of power it takes to perform such potent political and economic maneuvers without losing control of that government, after having seen it happen everywhere and always, is beyond me. Further, if the Bishops are honestly pro-life, at every level, the elder-cide going on just in Britain is atrocious. If someone, over there, is fuzzy in the head, there is a good chance they will simply die from everything from malpractice to simple neglect. My guess is Roberts is on the wrong side of that for his "faith". I am, honestly, beginning to question some of the Catholic hierarchies true intentions. Perhaps abortion and elder-cide is... acceptable, regardless of what they say? Either that or we have to run through a generation of hierarchy that is full of useful idiots, much like academia and all other forms of the elite. I can't be sure, I am watching.

Essentially, to my eyes, the constitution has been declared dead, null, and void. I am not sure if there is any answer to that. The choice for president coming up is between men who both mandated the same government malfeasance that the Supreme Court just upheld, while declaring it unconstitutional. The man who lead the charge to keep the law on the books was put in place by a Republican. I don't see how a Democrat appointee could have done any worse. He has been questionable in all things, now this? There isn't a way out for America through elections. Either conservatives are done or this will become a lot more difficult going forward. The ballot box is corrupted beyond function.

I honestly wish to have died before I saw these times. But here it is. All but toothless and weak, just keeping out of the grave by God's will, there is little I can do about it. Further, I don't think anyone who could do something would. America's elite are just in it for themselves, period. And for them, for now, the getting is good. I don't have much else to say about it.

Odd.

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Oh, and by the way, my posts have gone back to just being health updates, for now.  Why?  Can't focus.  Basically, when my world contracts, the stars, moon, sun, and anything further than my feet can arrive at in a few moments disappears.  Just so you know that I know.  And just so you know why.

While my world may have shrunk to visual focal points, for the most part, I have been getting up early.  I am dragging a bit this morning, yesterday added on top of Monday really put the screws to me.  Monday was all business, but very necessary business (if they end up being able to increase heart function, not holding my breath (though for many reasons :p)).  Yesterday ended up just being an outing that was simply good for my soul.  I have so very few outings that end up being like that that it truly was a special day.  I have no idea why.  Perhaps everything was just right, truly, an epic collusion of factors.  Perhaps I am simply tired and even toast would taste like BACON!  Or maybe I am on the cusp of something, even death, and the last touches of life are... dear.  Whatever the case I am pleased about getting out yesterday.

The hospitals have been calling, setting up appointments.  Oh, and it seems there is something of my old regimen I had forgotten to add, something their blood tests showed.  I have to figure out how to get potassium back into rotation.  The only thing I have found that I can take it with is the very thing that (to my mind) brought back diabetes... Gatorade.  Then again I was drinking it with abandon.  When we dried my body out, until we got that straight, the flushing must have triggered something in my mind for I "needed" fluids like a man dying of thirst.  Perhaps, with just a glass (smaller) of it and the potassium in the morning I can sneak by.  I don't know though.  Oh, they are sending me a glucose tester.  I told the doc I won't be testing every day.  No problem, for him.  Just test a time or two fasting per week and a time or two after eating.  I can do that.  I need to start noting my bp and pulse when I do that, too.  Oh, he asked if my pulse (which was a milder 77) was normal on the medicine.  I suggested it was a bit lower than the more typical upper 80's and 90's.  That baffled him, one of my medicines is supposed to bring that down a great deal.  I wonder who they tested this medicine on?  Certainly not anyone of the Doom heritage!  Nothing works like it should, nor does my body respond as it "should".  Seriously.  If these were all new medicines I could understand, but these are older medicines.  NOTHING does what it is supposed to do.

Waking at just after 6:00, I realized my "schedule clock" has moved backwards.  That IS a sign of better things or imminent death.  Since I am not that lucky it looks like things are getting better.  Sure, just as heat is about to eat the life out of the world I finally begin to do better.  I HOPE that unbearable heat isn't the actual cure.  Then again, better when alive than after.  *grins*

Good day.

So very nice.

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It was a perfect day to get out.  The weather couldn't have been more pleasant.  My friend and I both guessed it to be about 75 F, up where we shot.  A pleasant little valley, up in the mountains, no so very far from a local ski lodge.  It beat me up, being out, but getting ready, and having been out already once this week.  Toward the end I was heading downhill pretty fast.  I have become quite weak.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world though.  I needed to be out, and today is a fluke weatherwise.  Tomorrow it will be 20 degrees <strike>warmer</strike> hotter.  Too hot to do almost anything, possibly even a bit stifling in my castle!  The drive, the shooting, the weather, the mountains, and a friend.  All... very good.

The other day I was speaking with a neighbor.  I told him a bit about my past.  And he told me a bit about his.  His wife was the first woman he even kissed, met her in college, and... that was that.  I am not sure who was more shocked by whose story!  I... thought all guys were like me, or... close... or closer.  Oh, I find his tale endearing, laudable, romantic, wonderful.  I do.  I just have no idea... what it means?  Or something.  I hope he doesn't judge me too harshly, it is as it was.  And I have certainly turned that corner.  But I will never know what he knows, nor will he know my way thankfully.  I wonder how rare having had 50 lovers is (if you include one-night stands)?  Oh, and no diseases.  I truly loved 30 of those women, and one was extra special but she is no more.  

Gone shooting.

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Soon enough.  My friend called and thought today was going to be a lot cooler than tomorrow, and perhaps for the foreseeable future.  Not that today is actually cool, if it does look like there is a breeze or wind going again.  In these things, 88 is definitely cooler than 95 or higher.  I need to shower, trim the beard to stubble, and all that.  I don't know if I will be able to handle 88 F.  That's... pretty warm.  It's only 72 here in the house.  We had a really cool, even cold, night.  I trapped what of that I could.  It looks like it is going to be a very long hot summer.

The cats are so odd.  They can beg for food three hours after having eaten and gobble that down, but then not touch food put out six hours after their last feeding.  I try to feed them every four hours, give or take.  Sam eats mostly hard food with a bit of soft on the side, Sassy eats mostly soft food if she can grumble by on hard food if that is all that is left or all that is left to her.  Sam eats like a fine diner, Sassy is done almost before I get Sam's wet food down.  Weird critters.  I finally got a laser, but neither are at all interested.  Yeah, I guess that is just for kittens.  Ah well, the next time I get a kitten I will have a laser.

I have been gaming, again, lately.  I have been working on trophies.  They aren't quite as easy to get as they might seem.  Unlike, say, schools often, or many modern parents, certain things have to be done, sometimes in order, sometimes with rather difficult circumstances.  I have completed two games, so far.  Dead Space 2 is a bear for the final trophies.  For some games I won't be able to get the trophies.  One of them took 65 hours to play through hard mode, then locked up on me, three times.  I just assume the programmers are idiots.  Well, and they were.  So that game is out, since one of the trophies, of course, is hard mode completion.  Yeah, but it is something to do when I can do little else. 

Oh!  The old coffee is finally gone.  I didn't really need a fresh pot, since I will be heading out shortly, but I made one anyway.  I will have a spot of fresh coffee, to compare.  It sure smelled good while grinding, and even better as it brews.  I do buy some serious coffee.  I just hope, with a little practice, I can make my own that good or better.  The good thing is, if I slightly overdo a French Roast?  I simply have an espresso roast.  Seriously.  And I like them both.  The real trick will be getting the timing down, figuring out how to then get them cool enough fast enough for a particular roast, and learning whether a mixed bean or straight bean is best to my tastes.  What I mean is, coffee beans are much like, say, peppers.  If you want really hot, you go with habanero, if you want a little snap go with jalapeno, and if you just want green go with bell.  But you could mix those for various levels of heat.  I have some doubt that there is all that much difference, once what a particular bean is good for is accounted.  I mean, a bean not good for French roast, of course, would be excluded from my purchase.  But of those that are included, the differences would require sommelier style tongue acrobatics to differentiate one bean from another, and often there would be mistakes. 

Well, I suppose, I best have a cup, get my guns and ammo to the fore, get a shower, and head out.  But if it is simply too hot I will have to back out.  Oh that fresher coffee is much better.  Have a good day.

A good day.

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I'm not feeling the pain that can come with the long day yesterday.  Sure, I'm not exactly chipper, or jumping out of my seat to go do either.  But on the whole today is shaping up pretty well.  The neighbor boy stopped by to water and mow.  I have suggested what he makes, if he keeps the lawn green by watering twice a week, and mows once a week, and he about choked.  No, it isn't all that much, but for a 10 year old... pure gold!  When you put it to them a certain way it gets their attention.  Since, for the last week and this week, he has been doing just that, he will get half of that on payday.  Next month, perhaps, he will keep up on it a bit better.  To be fair it has been hot and we haven't had rain in 21 days, as of today.  That is brutal on lawns.  If nothing else, at least today there is a beautiful cool wind.  It isn't even a breeze, but a true wind.  Oh does that help.

I am just going along today.  If I can get to some dishes, laundry, or a few other things, so be it.  If not, so be it.  I don't have the gumption to push.  But I woke easily, I'm idling well, life is good.  I will, probably, tonight, when the sun goes down, make a stab at sneaking to town.  I need milk, a few other groceries, cat foods, and... it's fun.

I have overspent this month, if on things worth over spending on.  What took me over was the decision to buy both the 9 mm reloading kit plus reloading consumables for that.  Everything else was right on target.  On the good side, I still haven't dipped into my nest egg.  I have more than what I intend for just that, if too I am saving for a .308, a larger long term food purchase, and a few other bigger ticket items.  Still, I am ahead, just a little behind of being quite so far ahead, but only of where I could be give everything, being ultimately very far behind, if... you know what I mean.  Uhrm, is that a self-played head game, a complex algorithm of money-life-time, or just crazy?  *grins*  All I know is that I have goals I am behind, money I will never be ahead with, time of some unknown length to prep, and many other things coming and going, but that with the givens I am doing pretty good.  I do my best, and, really, I am getting ahead.  But in the maelstrom I never quite know, for sure, anything.  I need to stop once in a while and take stock.  Uhrm, when I am too broke or too tired to do more is a good time, unless I am way too tired.

I probably will go light with spending this coming month.  The only thing I will definitely be putting out for is a chronometer and my normal short/midterm food item purchases, plus regular expenses.  With my mother coming in August, probably, I want to have some stores of money.  I think I will put off doing floor work with her this year.  I will try to make her a deal instead.  I will buy the supplies, over this coming year, for her next visit.  I plan on stripping down to the flooring structure and putting in brand new sub-flooring, flooring, and then the top layer of some sort.  What I will do is include her in the decision making.  I want to take her with while I decide what type of flooring to put down as the top layer.  She loves that sort of thing, and she has some solid input on these things.  Actually, while she is here, and with some measurements taken, I might just buy the overlay we pick (to ease her mind, if it is within my budget).  She may not have been good at providing a father, but she was as close to a one-man-band in parenting as a guy could have hoped.  And she still ain't too bad "for an old broad", as my friend might say.  *chuckles*  (Hell no I won't say that to her face!)

You know though, I moved to a right area, I bought a home, I am loading up on food and rotating it, I have some long term stocks, I have figured out food so that I don't starve, waste, and both and some of it is home delivered, I have someone doing my lawn, I am gearing up, getting tools, and learning.  Yes, slowly.  It is all painfully slow.  But then, given my income and health I would say I am moving at a stellar pace.  No, really.  And though I don't like it...  I do have to, sometimes, back off and just appreciate the beauty of the whole operation.  Think of it this way... How long can it take a sniper to move two hundred yards?  Or, think of it this way if neither of those work for you... shut up.

Have a great day.

Not bad, not bad.

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While I had hoped to be in town a bit earlier, I can't truly complain.  I was able to fill the tank and wash the X for the trip before stopping to get my friend onboard.  It was a hot day, into the mid 90's, depending.  In the city that always means it is even hotter.  We arrived an hour early.  My friend was hungry, as was I, but little time was available for him to eat and I wouldn't have been able to join him, so we waited.  I did stop at a station and bought some candy bars and soda.  He could eat that right away, and if they got me in for a blood draw early I could consume something after that.  As it turned out I had to wait for my appointment before the blood draw.  Still, with that food in us, we were able to do shopping before needing to eat a more proper meal.  Testing my A1C (long term blood glucose) and I buy a soda and candy bar for after?  Yeah, hush.  My last A1C was 12.5 (they want it below 6.0 I believe).  Ah well.  Those are rare treats, mind you.

A bit of shopping went forward.  He checked some prices, bought a few items, and enjoyed himself at the first store.  Then to a meal.  And finally to one final store.  We both loaded up on little nothings, items that are much like dime-store items of yore, and a few better items.  I found a great deal on 9 mm ammunition, bought some reloading components, he bought a case, some tools, primers, and more.  It is simply fun to... not worry about it and just do that once in a while.  On the way home I was stopped, going 61 in a 45!  I had simply missed the sign, and suggested that too the officer.  He was rather polite, and let me off with a mere verbal warning.  Thank you, wherever you are.  Heh.  Oh, and I did slow it down (mostly), being much more careful from then on.  And good thing too, the police were out all over on the way back! 

I arrived home and was entering my house when dinner arrived.  You just can't time things purposefully any better at times.  And it was delicious!  My long term oil was here, so I put that down in the cool basement.  Life is going well.

I saw a new doc this time.  He seems pretty swell.  We discussed some things, made a few changes, added a pill for the burning feet, set up a consult for the heart clinic again, then he set up another heart looksee with the sonigram or whatever.  Every time I see new medic types I ask about my heart.  I keep hoping one of them will just come out and say it, but they won't.  It is dire, extremely dire, but that it has been this way for so long is... beyond their understanding.  I know they just don't know how to tell me I shouldn't be alive, they don't want to jinx it, but the numbers are impossible.  So I... sniff around the edges.  They are impressed, pleased... dubious.  It is like they fear I will die right there on the spot.  It makes for weird relationships.  Even the blood draw guy knew what a 15% ejection refraction meant and was startled to see that I had that.  Yeah, for a man in my condition I am a super man.  Uhrm, for what that is worth.  *grins*

The other day I played a song, about a woman lost.  Some time, somewhere, back when, I knew a woman, loved her.  And she loved me.  What happened I cannot remember.  We did not part by choice.  The parting was final.  I know none of the details, only that, to this day, thinking about it rips me up.  I can't remember some things.  I can remember bits of things.  I know that I, for some short time, actually knew love as it was supposed to be.  And I lost it.  There is much that is gone, dead, lost.  I can remember so little though.  Only that it hurts.  Much.  Too much.  It is not fair that I cannot remember.  It makes getting over it very difficult.  Same with some of the other things.  Tripping around blind while my antagonist moves the furniture, changes the rules, and uses sight.  These things are part of the cross I truly must bear, perhaps rightly, perhaps not.

Oh, but today was a good day.  A great day actually.  I didn't weary too much, even in the heat, even with helping my friend, even with the early start.  I did well.  I made the appointment, did some shopping, and put away the long term fats when I got home.  I am amazed at today.  I will need rest tomorrow, but if I can dig back into the last of the dishes and laundry, I might get some of that done.  If not I will simply enjoy my day, resting as needed.  Later, or... maybe... good night.

Up and early.

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I took my medicine first thing, too.  Ouch.  Those days I take it late lead to pretty harsh days lately, and something akin to a hangover for two or three days afterward.  My body is simply globbing onto fluid like a sponge.  I end up, by mid-afternoon, feeling like a balloon.

On the bright side, I have been getting up early, regularly.  My days and nights are straight.  It doesn't really matter, right at this moment, because I can do so little.  But in the near future that could be good.  If nothing else it is pleasing to be awake with the 'big people'.

Making my appointment should be easy enough, today.  I know that it will be a bit of a rough and tumble though, just getting there and through the day.  The added fasting requirement is going to be more difficult having waken early, but it is better to do it this way and be a little hungry than to wake later and have to rush.  At least I can have straight black coffee, or so I was told.  Bleh, but... it's something.

Oh, about coffee...  It seems easy enough to roast.  It is almost like popping popcorn.  It can crack or *pop* twice.  Right before, during, or after that first pop, you get lighter coffee.  That is the coffee most people drink.  From Foldger's standard to most other store bought blends.  And, if you buy boutique coffees, it is literally the lighter colored coffees.  That sort of roast lends to the most caffeine in the final product too.  Now, while I like the notion of extra caffeine, for me, it isn't really needed.  And I dearly prefer darker, richer, coffee.  On a major upside?  Buying green coffee beans is about half to a third of the cost, buying in smaller amounts, as buying pre-roasted beans.  Further, green coffee beans last about a year, and then once roasted can last another six months to year.  What does last mean?  Does it mean literally 'will not poison', or does it mean 'is better before'?

I will be doing some experiments before the year is out.  I am, currently, using up a pound of coffee from six months before my mother's last visit.  It was purchased, left out for three months, she put it in the fridge for three months, I put it in the freezer when she left about a year ago, and just pulled it out and started using it.  It is whole bean, pre-roasted (Columbian Roast).  Now THAT is FRESH!  :p  But, while not a perfect coffee, it is not actually all that bad.  It still beats the Foldgers she buys for her use when here.  Seriously.  Odd, too.  I figure, buying 50 pounds of beans, storing it as best I am able, pulling out a couple of pounds for roasting at a time, that coffee might last me... two or three years, realistically.  I may try several different methods of "preserving" the green beans and several methods of storing the roasted bean, with sampling over time assuming no bad indicators are present.  If nothing else, having 50 pounds of beans on hand at any one time (considering that no more than two pounds per month) would leave me some barter goods.  And, should I find a few methods of truly keeping beans for a longer period, perhaps upping the purchase to 100, or even 200 pounds, over time, for barter.  Coffee would be a serious barter good!

Well, on to... something.  Waking up.  I am almost out of the old coffee and I have a bag of new (relatively speaking, a month old) that I will soon get to enjoy.  The only major difference between new and old coffee is a slightly milder coffee flavor and the lack of that fresh coffee smell in the old coffee, when I am grinding the beans.  I feared acidity, but that doesn't seem to be a problem. 

Anyway, get your bean on then get to it.  Good day.

Not getting out tonight.

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Two reasons for being homebound.  One, I forgot to take my medicine until just a bit ago.  I am, again, swollen like a ballon.  What is up with that?  My feet actually hurt from being so liquid filled!  And I have been taking my medicine pretty regularly.  Hmm, I might start taking some in the morning and some in the evening, that way if I miss one I at least get some of it.  This is dreadful.  The other reason not to go out is, given my limited ability to function currently, that I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon out of town means that doing something tonight would damage my ability to function tomorrow.  I need to get in to see the doc to regain access to the heart clinic.  I can probably get him to fill the prescriptions though, too, right there.  That will ease my mind for now.

I will be taking my friend along for the ride, and so that he may do a bit of shopping while we are there.  Since he doesn't get out as often he has more money to spend when he does get out.  I think he likes being a bigger spender now, and still not really having to worry about what he spends, within reason.  I may look at reloading components, but I won't buy.  I just want an idea of what I am looking at, price wise, for the near future.

Hmm, it's about bed time.  I've got some prayers going out for some of you, Jean and Opus, and families.  Sleep well, as you may.  Peace and comfort.

Oh, son!

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Yeah, I did get out yesterday.  It was mostly just about getting my friend out.  And out we got!  We started with him shopping a new pistol, another .45 as it turns out.  I did buy a few things, but just gun stuff and minor.  Then to lunch.  Yum!  Then on to what ended up being a goodly drive over to Bear Lake, for the drive, for soda, for a bit of gas... just because that is how it worked out.  Finally, on up in the mountains to test that new pistol.  I had one of my pistols along, and a new shoulder holster for it.  Unfortunately I could not stay and shoot long.  I was absolutely crashing through the floor by the time we finished a box of ammo or so.  I hated to pack it in, but... we did quite a lot and I am just coming off a 'bender'.

The good thing, in a way, is I got to see just how feeble I really am.  It settles my mind to know that my lack of function isn't just me being lazy.  Something is terribly wrong right now.  Oh, no worse than before, mind you, and nothing new.  It is just that I really am ill.  Right now.  And it isn't getting better immediately.  Still, I will keep plugging away.  I have things to do.  I am doing what I can, too!  Food is being stored, bits of this and that are being bought, money is being put up, silver is being investigated, and I do what I can around here.  Just... Well, that's good enough.

 Our view coming down to Bear Lake from our side, give or take.

I had hoped to go grocery shopping as well.  I simply could not finish that part of the trip yesterday.  I may do that this evening, when it cools.  The city has become hot, outside altogether has become hot actually.  It's just that the taint of the city, with cars, tar, cement, thousands of people, industry, and everything else becomes even hotter and uglier.   It taints the day.  But in the evening, when the sun goes down, and people hide away at homes, parking their cars and shutting their lips, life becomes much easier to negotiate for shopping.  So... tonight, perhaps, another escape.  Just a short one, to a store or two, in and out, all good.

When I am down, physically, it is easy to get down mentally too.  Juggling eggs?  Ah, but for the most part, I do okay.  Even when I do drop one, or both, or all six? of the eggs, I somehow seem to manage to clean it all up and get back to juggling before too long.  Melancholy, sadness, but oddly I rarely get lonely.  I enjoy company, friends, women, associates.  I am not a loner, I just... can be.  I'm good either way.  Odd.  Come to think of it... I've always been that way.  I feel for people who need people always and everywhere, but more I feel for people who have no need for anybody.  I like being a tweener, ambidextrous in the social world?  Something.

On to something or other.  Be well.