Still stuck.

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Can't stick it out of neutral.  The engine lights.  Not sure what the problem is.  I'll keep at it.  I have enough food to load for a few days.  I have been eating, if more as a duty after that first meal.  At one time that pot of spaghetti and meat sauce was two, maybe three meals.  This one will be eight to ten meals, more if it doesn't go bad or become intolerable before, even then seemingly too much per meal.

Medicine and sleep, with food, and I hope to finish a few things.  Such dreams lately, and notions.  Really started wondering if death was knocking, closing in.  Maybe Dreamers sleep differently, maybe it is... lots of things, many perhaps most beyond mere science... being a tool limited to the observable, physical.  Those who limit themselves to such are, truly, retarded.  Not an insult just an understanding of limits.  Not an iq thing, a wholeness thing, like a spiritual colorblindness.  Anyway, do your best in any case.  You will know in less than a hundred years, some of you far less.

I actually believe I have three to more like four decades remaining.  They really should have been honest at the start.  A heart transplant would have been far cheaper.  I would have been dead within six years.  Fire those .gov/.mil bean counters.  :p  Of course they are still aiming for .gov medicine to weed my kind out.  I wonder, if incompetent care isn't fast enough, will they turn to outright genocide, or just legalize then shove doctor murder-suicide?  Glad they messed up their charts, but not out of spite.  It took a long time to... find the source of the Voice.  Kept rejecting where that kept leading.  Until I ran out of every last other option and reasonable objection.  Boy is God longwinded!

Did you know auto-fill won't do some words?  Suicide is one.  There are others.  Start logging them to see what history and politics are being hidden.  Google will end up making Weinstein seem like just a bad boy if their sins, literal, political, and social are ever explored with prosecution in mind.

Later.

A start.

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I was awake until after 20:00.  I can't be certain how much later.  I was only awake that late because I needed to eat.  I had to thaw hamburger, then cook it and pasta.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep without food.  I had started choking on hunger juices, created from long fasting and those bits of work.  Didn't eat near as much as expected, if I ate well enough.

Waking at 5:20, roughly.  Being forced to jumble my day that long, then sleep so late if also so short of a time comparatively has me a bit unsettled.  More food this morning.  I suspect I will have to slowly feed up to get going.  I won't be able to just shove through. Which means food is immediate priority.  Though I can do other small things on the side.  Charcoal, meat, maybe a few veggies for... color?  Blast if I know.

Dreams, no memories of them.  Good feelings though.  Sleep was good as well, just dragging from the forced shift.  I'll see what happens.  Another shower, a real shave, and making the bed in the next few hours?  All but guaranteed.  What then is the real question.  A nap might be needed and conducive to doing more, say a bit before noon?  The notion offers incentive to getting a few extra things done beforehand.  Good morning.  Later.

Not quite.

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I was sure I would be faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap over tall buildigs with a single bound. Yeah, about that no food in a while thing.  I got a shower in.  I might yet shave, perhaps resetting dishes for another wash, but that is it.  Even that, a few days, week, without food and sleeping like that...  Thawing burger for a very meaty spaghetti dinner.  Barely walking, but I'll try to be closer to ready after tanking up.

Oh, I'll get there.  Monday will be a fresh start.  I am sure.  Just forgot some things.  Later or good night.  I suspect I'll be crashing rather than slipping gently to sleep.  Just gotta try to keep the day.  I've fought hard for it.  Be well.

Slow going.

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I expected a bit more umph.  I just did.  Sometimes I really can crawl out of my little grave and tackle the world.  The sense was there.  Fine, I'll go as fast as possible.  The dishes got the first hit and I prepped my whiskers for a real shave.  Working a blade through bushwire just isn't fun.  Tamed and shaving becomes almost a pleasure.  Those things and feeding the brats ended my battery packs.  Well, I am making my bed in the mornings now, and put cases on new pillows I just received.  Hey, it adds up.  :p

A quick post, a bit of gaming, then back to it.  A shower, shave, then to the post office and paying a bill.  Then else.  I forgot to turn the heat up.  That isn't the whole problem, if that will help.  Might have to eat soon.  It's been a while.  Yeah, that'll put a wrench in the machine.

My mother called.  Wisdom teeth problems, it got cold there, otherwise good.  Yeah, not all sunny and easy, but not all bad.  She is scheduling work for what she can fix and doing what she can to manage the rest.  I told her to expect a day or two of sun soon.  Special delivery.  Not sure about help with the wind, that goes with living in a continent sized valley!  *grin*

Later.

Getting somewhere.

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A muscle headache, on waking, typical of cycle shifting.  Awake until after 17:00, as good as memory goes.  At least an half hour beyond, maybe several hours beyond. Short-term memory becomes as a mosquito finding itself on the windshield of a car at speed... minding it's own business, then spots an asshole it is sure it should recognize, then lights out.  Meds, anacine, a bit of reading, writing, gaming, and waking first.  Then new and old plans.

Old plans?  Paperwork and bills, a few added, new month.  New?  A leaf barrel, more bags, several rakes to try things, and a few pieces of hardware.  Leaves are back.  I want to give them a go.  I need to do dishes in the way, shower, shave, and such first.  Did I get better?  No, I don't think so.  A bit of sun the last few days, and a slight nudge from a netizen neighbor, which I will share.  Because friends do that.

I wish I could more truly share my dreams.  Not that I have fears, less so in the long run, if concerns for order and right chaos until balance must be surrendered to the war between those.  Attrition, in essence, of life against itself.  I still don't think... no, it is understood.  Hubris, pride really.  I remember my own hand in that.  I know how the story ends, the main one and mine.  The haggling, marshalling, war, and attempts at "peace", and all else must be endured, I finally see, for the hope of salvation for the largest number of souls.  It, at times, seems such a dreadful hope.  Then again so did homework... until the pop-quiz.

Back to waking.  Good morning, while I am at it.  Go get em'.

Mostly new.

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Won't suggest.  A future, mere worry of others, just more of the ethereal?

Dreams of the sort to be cherished.

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A few folk suspect some things.  Asked if charging into the middle of things was wise?  I think only for some, for the results most hope.  Most prefer to survive.  Just because one ends up surviving to some point (at least beyond the last such event) doesn't mean living was an objective.  As well, the past doesn't predict the future.  If you face impossible odds, however, I still suggest a full onslaught.  You would be amazed at the outcome.  Win, lose, or draw, you will become a hero, even to hated enemies.  Surrender your life willfully, before any battle but really as a function of militant occupation, then become living war... or just stick with brick laying, lawyering, or such... but don't do that meekly either.  This doesn't apply to women.

Never a soldier, always a warrior, dreams...  I had hoped for a beautiful death.  Looks like infirmity or age is most likely.  Though who knows, an old wolf might seem game to a pack of antifa, and one might sneak behind while the rest of it's hive is being crushed.      

Charging death might well get you dead.  Or it will get you to your next hot meal, hot shower, sleep, r&r, or even home or final home.  Oh, and spit on any politician, businessman, or citizen who disrespects real men.  It is odd how some men just can't seem to... get lucky.  Almost makes one wonder, when there is the whole of time to do so.

That wasn't the whole of it.  Women, all around, touching, but in chastity.  I am still not ready for such.  Still far too alive.  Even so it seems a great gift, honor, to have the veil of tears rent, then to be allowed succor from sister saints, and to be able to know that rightly, at least for a while, if only there.  Seventy two virgins?  No!  All of them.  And they remain so, at least in the house of whispers.  Am I dying?  I don't think so.  So strange.

Later.

Perfection?

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That isn't the currency available.  Good to bad, say ten increments on each side with zero as the fulcrum.  Of course an old bull may not pace a young one, if what the old Brahman might know could counter speed in his favor.  Still, condition and potential within the x, y, z, and other holy design restrictions need to be given their dues.

Hmm?  Oh, I mean it is noon, I am still awake and rather aware, if I don't seem to be getting anywhere with regards to work, physical efforts.  The list is on my mind.  I will do what I can when I can.  Dark days are doing what they do.  Still, it looks like I might dig out shortly.

The strange dreams and daydreams persist.  Don't think you get them.  Some, in retrospect, seem to indicate things, or potentially.  Things they don't, at all, as I have reviewed and considered.  Then again...  I have it on good authority a cleaved head no longer plots.  Choices?  Yeah.  *grins*

I'll attempt to push my day along.  What might be helping is that I rembered to invert medication, taking night meds in the morning (when I am actually going to bed) and morning pills at night (as I wake).  This helps with usefulness and effect.  The meds that make me tired work better when I am going to sleep anyway, even in the morning.  And some wonder why I am, or seem, confused all the time.

I am continuously required to recalibrate on the fly, while falling through fog, mostly asleep, half on and off meds, with detractors and enemies at every turn.  Hell, I can't even die and my enemies are more ballless than I dare dream, and that is the male ones.  I expect only backstabbing from women, it's mostly all they can really muster.  Hrumph!  Ha!  That'll get me through a few more hours?  Either way it was fun.

Leveling or evening?

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Not always certain which term is better understood or more correct, those are different mind you.  If your audience is regular folk, understanding is the way.  If it is a literary or scholarly crowd, then specific terms, phrases, and uncommon even academically contorted linguistics is the way to go.  I seem to have a crosssection of visitors.  Wait.  I reject, at the very least, modern academic efforts toward clever, sage, separation methods.  Concise and plain, within my capacity and the limits of the subject matter is my aim.  Hmm?  Oh, just reboot considerations.

What is being admitted is that I don't know which term to use.  Sleep is becoming regular.  The cycles aren't normal, in that sleep is taking twelve to fourteen hours a day, sometimes more.  No naps though. Waking is, perhaps eight to ten hours a day.  Not as I'd have it, still better than it has been.  Leveling, evening, or is there a better way to write it?

As well, sleep is allowing actual rest.  As dark as it is, though, even being more rested is still limited.  As well as things are going I am hoping to catch my winter second breath and climb back to work, perhaps play as well.  Snowshoeing, for example, to seek potential camp sites.  Yeah, I know, however... I sleep with my bedroom windows open a crack.  I only need to make sure I have decent sleep gear, am out of the wind, and that I am not in an avalanche lane.  Oh, and I need enough food to go at the pace that I can reasonably expect, and know how to start and maintain fire out there.  The rest is what it is.

Hmm?  Don't know much else for now.  Later.

Something nears.

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At times it is sleep.  In these times it is another... existence. While my body may rest I do not.  A shadow of light has no shadow.  Never alone.  No worries.

Such odd gifts, or curses... threats.

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Could just be incidence.  Odd videos. Meaning?  Some draw my interest.  I don't share all.  I don't think... I probably share too much as is.  Sometimes, if there is enough recurrence, and maybe a fit if just in my mind, I split it out in spite of you.  So be it.

Some notion of how it will be.  I think even some of them are getting it.  Some don't believe, suspect what was always will be.  I think this was to suggest that, to me, to all.  After seeing it pop far to often, and in the wrong places I gave it a view.  Had to laugh.  Apparently they aren't long-time consumers, or they thought I wouldn't remember?  Oh, I had to laugh.

This is as it was, is, and will be.  Until it isn't.

Didn't I just? But, but?

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Doing third shift is odd.  I have been trying to tag day and date.  Actually this has been an aspect of my health improvement since they admitted what was wrong and started treating the heart.  In the worst of times my efforts fail.  Memory simply will not work.  Lately, even with the level of exhaustion, I have been able to keep up.  Still, especially when just waking, and on the late schedule, going to bed on Monday and waking on Monday can cause gears to grind, until awareness, a grin, then a couple of hoots explode as I catch being the butt of my own joke.

I haven't been working.  I can barely game.  I'll probably not be eating for a while again either.  Oh, I am hungry, I just can't get to cooking.  No worries, this is sort of what I needed, wanted, to happen.  It might be accidental fasting but it will do.  I have stuff, food, if...  I won't die.  I have gone more than a month before,much longer.  Perhaps a skinny average man could only go a month.  Ogers can go longer.  Surprisingly don't lose much weight. How active one is, of course, would make a difference.  I will mostly be sleeping, so.

Not much else.  Another shower?  Sure.  I have my plants in there still, they love the heat and steam almost as much as I do.  Later.

That was wild.

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Shortly after waking to a nothing burger sort of existence I crashed.  Did I sleep for two or four hours, six?  I am guessing on the shorter edge of the range.  It, it's brevity not of consequence, was one of the most restful in some time.  The fog has lifted, partly, for moments.  I may return to rest before long, if I may be able to do just a few tasks first.  Catching a sense of being rested makes the tangle with sleep worth the fuss, and loss of time.

Saw a musical statement. Turned it into a question, and answered it.  Lost?

Awake for what it matters.

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Was it snowing today, last night?  I don't think I ever got out of bed, but I remember seeing it, being out in it.  It didn't seem like a dream though.  I can't say.  It didn't seem to be sticking, I'll look later anyway.  Sleep isn't doing much for me.  I wake feeling like a fish out of water.  Perhaps semi-amphibian, just enough to not die.  And dreams.  No pain, just... difficult to explain.

I will keep at it.  If nothing is done it won't be for lack of will.  When I can remember... anything.  I have been eating and mostly taking meds, it's just the season.  I'll either get through it sooner or because of spring.

Another lefty shooting?  Keep it up and it won't just be foreigners who will have to go, but atheists and leftists too.  Read that half of millenials wish to live in socialist/communist countries.  While I believe that number is far too high, even if it isn't, I believe the rest of America agrees.  This isn't one of those countries.  There are two in hitchhiking range, and if you sell all your capitalist crap you could probably afford to go almost anywhere.  I also believe, if you would denounce citizenship irrevocably, some of us might pitch in to... help you OUT.

What to do?  A meal, I can't think beyond that quite yet.  Later, perhaps.