Good, then rough again.

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Food was good.  I was doing fine.  Then I hit some sort of wall.  It keeps getting worse.  Increments.  Small ones.  Heartburn?  Or... something like it.  Upset stomach?  Mild.  Sore ribs?  But... why?  The other I get from time to time.  Though, no, heartburn is very unusual, these days.  Going keto got rid of most of that, carnivore more so.  Ah, but I have been off my feed bag proper, for a while.  So... okay.

All sorts of little issues.  No clear fix, or immediate issues, just... symptoms.  Small, annoying, increasing in number, if none of them are too awful.  Yet.

Cajun spiced steak.

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This time I used a mortar and pestle, crushing the carolina reaper bits in with say, one part pepper to four parts garlic plus another four parts onion powders... oh, and probably another part salt.  Crush, grind, whirl, until it looks dangerous.  Then two pinches on each side of the steak.  Three?  Depends on how the coverage looks to me.  If my nose goes a bit wild, I... think I'm doing it correctly.

The steak goes, with the pain, into the oven at 350 for fifteen minutes.  The veggies go in a pot, with some butter.  *sneezes*  Definitely got a snootful.  I'm good with the price for the cost?  Yes.  When the timer goes off, then it goes up on a burner, on medium high, for five minutes.  The steak flipped first thing.  Then, another five minutes.

Back to bed, then up again.

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Midnight just wasn't going to do.  Sometime between midnight and two, with no weighting as I simply don't remember, back to bed I went.  Sleep was had with gratitude.

Dreams, which aren't recalled... just that I had them.  I like to think of the more pleasant nature.  Mood indicates so.  A picnic with a past lady friend, a talk of flirtation as we approached... what men and women are together to approach.  Sometimes it takes pleasantries, fond words, caring glances, to get it all to... happen.  But, that seemed the types of dream.

Art, and such.

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Not all art is painted, or otherwise created.  Sometimes it just is.  The art of war, for example.  Such a terrible cost, but too, sometimes of great value.  Worth more than the loss?  There are times and places in which the price can't be questioned.  Other times it absolutely should be.  The beauty in it, if the horror too.

War, if done correctly, isn't about control, power, winning, or else, it is... a feeble attempt at hope.  Taking the term from a mouth thing, to a world thing.  All other forms of war are murder.  Even when the men fighting are doing it rightly, doesn't mean their leaders aren't just getting rich, or doing murder for gain of some sort.

Down and up early.

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Not in the best of ways, but...  I went down just past 18:00.  Eight minutes after was the last time I remember.  Either down here, as I was going up, or up there as I tucked in.  Close enough.  Awake at just shy of midnight.  Why up so early I can't say.

Warm.  I turned the furnace down to 66 before going to bed.  An hour or two before?  Right as I was going upstairs?  I can't be certain.  Even so, it was 57 up there.  When I woke, I think 54 when I went up there.  I... can kick out some warmth.  Though haven't been lately.  All good.

Coffee is so delicious.

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With cream, and a actual keto sweetener formula that sweetens while lowering blood sugar, the stuff is nearly addictive.  I have quit, for a time.  My major issue is finding something that adds enough fat to my diet, anywhere nearly so easily, and in a small enough package that I can actually consume it.  Ribeye is great, for adding a lot of fat.  It's all the protein that goes with it, and bulk.

Don't get me wrong.  I absolutely love ribeye, and better t-bones, porterhouses, new york strips, and a few other things.  Burger can do, but it's... bottom shelf food, at least how they are processing it these days.  Do they even bleed the animals anymore?  Or is it the "pink goo" being added back in that makes burger sloppy, bloody, and too wet?  Something has changed.  Oh, right... /rant... for those of you who know, or remember, minor commands for computers... on old and some new os'es?  Anyway... sure... /rant  = end rant  I wonder if that is just programming language, or if there were other etymological sources?  Such as shorthand, or... morse code, or else?  Nothing ever seems to be the source, just that the source for the seemingly first source wasn't found.  No one reinvents the wheel.  Ask your dad.  :p

Better, and awake.

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Never sure how long feeling well will last.  Though, that I feel better to start the day is always a hopeful sign.  There is still some... minor aches, pains, and tiredness.  It doesn't feel like death though.  Forty years, or going on that, of this.  The last two years have been exceptionally good.  If I still fall into pits of misery from time to time.  Imagine feeling ill, off, tired, exhausted, achy, and hurting for years at a time.

You know, like when you are just off, from the flu or something.  Fevers and chills at times, if rarely.  More that awful feeling like you want to throw up, you just don't feel good.  Food can help, if you can get it down.  Or... it could make it worse.  Depends on the time, and you never quite know which it will be.

Sometimes I wonder.

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I honestly am surprised I haven't died.  The last few days, from time to time, I get the sense things are going wrong.  If so, on medicine?  There wouldn't be much to do about it.

I'll keep going, keep trying.  Pray... for death, or life, whatever God's will might be.  I'm not worried about it either way.  I just feel so rough.  Doesn't make sense.  It reminds me of the high pressure at depth.  Like a bug being crushed by oceanic pressure.  Not anywhere, everywhere.

Rough, again?

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Dragging through life, as if with an anchor, or two, holding me back.  Tired.  A bit off.  A bit ill.  At least I am warm, or mostly.

A shower before long?  Hopefully.  I haven't done any gaming, but am beginning to start on that.  Though I think I'd like to take a shower first.  Perhaps have a bit more steak, reheated.  Then game as I dry off in prep for bedtime.

Impressive.

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Not the meal, though that really was good, needed, wanted, useful, helpful.  A third of a large sirloin and a few smaller bowls of a mix of veggies... corn, peas, and diced tomato.  Oh, just a piece of advice?  Don't get spiced or herbed tomato for longer term storage.  The flavor, heat, and all, goes a bit off pretty quickly.

I have a case or two of (hot) spiced diced tomatoes.  Well within the use by date.  But... the flavor is just wonky.  I remember eating it fresh(er).  It was good.  It is still, roughly, edible.  If pushing that idea.  The new stuff has no basil, or jalapeno and habanero, or such.  I did go with salted, as I think that is a better thing, for longevity?

Why so rough?

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I am trying to push through.  Shoving pain, limitations, troubles, thoughts, fears, aside.  With ease, too, honestly.  It just doesn't matter.  No matter how easily I climb over, crawl under, sidestep, vault, or dodge this, that, and the other things, I still end up getting nowhere.

It doesn't make sense.  It seems no matter how well I do, there is simply too much in my way to ever do more than get a step or two ahead while my goal gets two, three, four steps further out of reach.  I'm not even wearying for the exercise, if too making absolutely no advance.

What?

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Not sure when I went to bed.  It was later though, 20:00, give or take an hour or two?  I was absolutely baked, for no good reason.  No, I took medicine.  Didn't eat, though I only want to eat?  Not sure I can.  There just isn't anything under there that can even handle food right now?  I... may try, anyway, soon.

I awoke at... 7:00 or 19:00?  It took half an hour to wake enough to sort that.  Seven, in the morning, it is.  Was.  Sassy was fed, coffee going in, okay.

No food.

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Nothing?  I did get laundry going, putting the whites in?  No, resetting the dryer.  I started that last night, just ran it through a final time, just in case, this morning.  Haven't... touched it since.

Hungry.  But I just can't cook, thus eat.  I have been feeding Sassy.  Changed her water.  But... that's it.

She certainly is chirping.

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Fairly loudly for such a petite little thing.  

Wow.  Okay.  Nice.

Hmm?

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After seeing else, I... saw this.

You... don't hurt me, or matter.  Right?  Even a broken clock clocks it true twice a day.  I... don't mind.  Not... sure which one you are?  Doesn't matter.

Dreams, again.

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Of her.  Several, though each dream it's own.  She knows I won't be with her, outside of marriage.  Even in dreams I can resist, usually, mostly.  This time, a trick.  We... were both wearing wedding rings.  Both dreams.

Even so, I... knew we weren't married.  It confused me.  Perplexed me.  I... like the idea she was trying to present.  I liked that she went so far as to give in, at least to the idea?  She seems real.  Different faces, but same woman.  Woman?  Not sure she is what she seems, but she is feminine.  Takes a trickster to know one?  *grins*

14:27

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Just a little longer, if at all possible.  Another hour?  So tired.  Maybe not.  Still, even to this time, it is good.  Sore, and all else as this morning.  If too with a bit of a headache.

People seem to have called me out on my dream.  Which, fine.  I thought it would slide, with quiet understood room for... some fibbing of a sort or three.  Women have to understand why some lies must stand.  Men understand things, logically, when explained.  Women know damned well, at a visceral level, that the truth cannot be told because some people don't understand... anything!

Well, fine.

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Just because a dream is spoken in a certain way?  Doesn't mean that is... the absolute truth.  Ask any woman.  She can't tell absolute truths for... many reasons.  Men can be... cute.  but they never understand, even if they seem to follow.  Clueless.

Have you ever heard two drinking buddies suggest they love each other?  You... will never hear a woman say that to a guy friend.  It's... dangerous.  Men take things way wrong, with only the lightest, or even no, intention.  Just like men, often, have to not frown or show anger to blatantly.  Women cannot... tell whole truths, all the time, on every subject.  Which... makes lying a bit of a serious habit, if for the best of intentions.

Just a bit rough.

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My neck hurts.  If you have ever been throat punched, or neck chopped, you have an idea.  As if a few days ago, probably.  Sometimes I healed well, quickly.  Sometimes the strain to the arteries... in this case both sides... and the esophagus.  No skin bruising or else, so... it's just something else.  But feels like pressure bruising.  Yes, I've... had some experience in various pains.  I might not know the technical terms, but I can describe things fairly well.

Warm enough, even with the main of the house only up to 73.  That is enough to satisfy Sassy, for the moment.  I cool it off at night.  She makes do.  During the day, a little more warmth helps, both of us.

Well, maybe?

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It sure looks like someone is saying something.  Using my words, as I use the arts of others?  Three posts, which seem to... intimate a suggestion I have posed?

Warm?

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Very strange.  Well, upstairs it was 52.  I was... fine, comfortable.  I did use the water bottle.  Just one, at two liters, is a little small.  I'll admit that.  I will see if I can find something about double that size.  Having size 15 feet doesn't help, and that is where I use it.  Still, it was... better than nothing.

My feet had gotten cold.  Not from going outside.  From wearing no socks the rest of the day, and sitting in this front room.  Blocks o' ice.  So, yeah, that wasn't good.  I kept hoping to get a shower in, but it never got finished.  Bleh.  So I froze my feet waiting on a plan that never took place.

A 71%.

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A dream.  A college course.  Philosophy.

I wasn't sure if the professor was just a cunt, or a sellout, or what.  Still, wasn't happy.  When I'm not happy about something, I go... face it.  Deal with it.  Win, lose, draw?  Be damned.  So, in I went.

14:30

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A good run.  Wasn't sure how long I would be up.  Now I know.  Yes, time to get on to bed.  No shower.  I did get a second meal in.  Oh, meat is so much more pleasant.  I missed it.  Though salad is very good as well.  Would love a shower.  After getting trash and recycling together and out, cooking or prepping other meals, and such, I am just too done in to consider a shower.

Now, the shower is ready.  I'll take one, I am pretty sure, tomorrow.  And the day after.  I have been taking showers daily, until yesterday.  So... I'm good.  But I don't mind taking daily showers if I can find my way to them.  Loverly.

Wonderful.

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Thought I would shower after getting trash and recycling out.  No... just couldn't get to it.  Haven't gotten to it yet.  But... maybe, shortly.

I did get a salad together, and eaten.  Crumbling half the small, pricey, pack of gorgonzola.  Oh, that was delicious.  After a bit, I got half the remaining two thirds of the steak cut and began frying it.  Three minutes, on each side, twice.  Oh, my word, that was delicious.

Not bad.

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It took all night.  Here it is, almost seven, and I just finally got trash and recycling out.  I began collecting it... a while ago.  Three?  four?  Or... maybe five.  Time isn't relevant hereabouts.  It just happens to be a time, or not, some day, of some week, of some month.  Not... my problem.  Until it is, but then... I figure it out or beg borrow and/or steal my way clean.  Paying when I can.

Out, and to the curb.  Not certain it is recycling day.  Which is fine, there is room for more should that not be collected.  Trash to be certain.  ???  Things are saying it is Monday, and I am all but certain it is morning.  Most of the clocks are on 24-hour mode.  But... sometimes clocks do very strange things, or here.  Still... as sure as I can be.

Awake!

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For a while now, almost an hour?  Or so.  I was awake at 21:30, then fell back into the bedroll.  Snuggled with my dreams.  Sadly, no women in them, just warm sleep... like being in a heated cloud comforter.  Good dreams, those.  Finally made it out about an hour later.  And, warm.  I love dreaming of being in a warm wrap, like a big fluffy cotton candy thing, with warmth, and able to breath easily too.

Warm, when I woke.  Still warm now?  Strange.  I haven't turned the furnace up.  It is set to 66.  But, yes, strangely, I am quite warm.  I may not turn the furnace up, being this comfortable.

I'm done.

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I'm just out of life for the day.  I... all but fell asleep sitting here.  Not feeling good.  Not sure I can sleep.  But even just remaining seated isn't possible going forward.  Thankfully I didn't fall out of my chair to this point.

I did get medicine, both sets, and the rest, in.  A few waters, if not as much as I may need.  Food was eaten, and very happily.  Coffee too.

Difficult.

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It is Sunday.  So... good.  I have a slim chance of getting trash and recycling gathered and out, and whatever is to go, to the curb yet on time.  It's slim because just being awake is painful, tiring in ways I can't explain.  It feels like I... became Humpty-Dumpty, and took a great fall.  Cracked, here and there, heart, internals, else.

Light pains.  I don't think a heart attack, or stroke, or anything like that.  What is wrong?  That I can't say.  I am just... hurting around a lot of edges, feeling like a cracked egg but internally not externally, and other just odd sensations.  Plus my heart just feels tired.  Not unusually, or excessively, compared to when it goes that way.  It goes that way, off and on, and has for decades.

A difficult time.

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Wasn't sure I could do much.  Just waking was an issue.  I... tried for a while.  Failed.  Tried for a bit more.  Failed again.  Then, later, finally, did make it out.  It was just about as difficult the time I was able to get up.

The body is sore from exhaustion.  The body, and the heart more than other things.  Oh, I... have forgotten meds, for a day or two.  And haven't been taking full doses, missing my later set fairly often.  I just... have trouble just living.

Why the feminine.

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I have been being plagued by the feminine.  Oh, not a terrible thing, really.  I've certainly been plagued by more terrible things.  Still, I had to ask myself why.  I have been considering the problem for a while now.

No, witches have no power here.  Save any allowances I might grant.  Granted as sisters, mothers, daughters, not as dark practitioners.  I can shut down darkness easily, and do.  I think even they know it.  Not a grace, the price of... being... a certain sort.