Ouch, again.

.

.

I wasn't sure I'd make it to the shower.  So tired, everything hurt.  But... the way was clear.  Even if I was seeing stars, I... wanted this finished.  So... in I went.  I had taken anacin about an half hour beforehand.  Between the painkillers and shower, my body eased into a really nice state.  Almost... comfortable!  I... haven't had that in a while.  Very, very, nice.

So... I... put the dishes not yet washed in for a soak.  Two small dishpans of them, plus a pot on it's own.  I wouldn't call the dishpans full, though flatware and cooking utensils are a pain in the nuisance, and there are many.  Still, not close to full.  After, I thought I could refill the waterers, if I didn't think I would get to the bottles.

Once I started with the waterers, however, I knew I would fill the bottles.  There was something... relaxing to it?  Well, just knowing I had one less medium job on my list, two if you count both.  So, yes, done.  And I changed the girls' water.  I had gotten fresh just then.

I decided to give the ducks a watering.  And fed them.  They seem hungrier.  Though, too, summer birds are eating their food.  I may have to see about a food device that is difficult of else to use?  After coming in, I decided to sort clothing... for laundering.  I went ahead and started a load, laundry that won't go out on the line.

So... yes.  I... did very well.  Of course, now, all the pain I had eased is back.  And a few new ones.  How is that right?  Oh, never mind.  If it weren't for pain, I couldn't, occasionally, focus?  I wouldn't have a cause to live?  Something.  My hair is almost dry.  I don't want to learn devices, so... I'll just sit here a bit, and let it finish.  Too tired to stand anyway.  

Oh, and without insulin, blood sugar is 199.  It is about a hundred below where it started this morning... last night to you.  I have been eating, if not much.  And only drinking kefir and perrier.  I am hoping to cut that, in time, even from the little I am drinking.  But, for now, I'll indulge as my life takes new form... on medicine and else.

Now I can say good night.  And... it is night.  Nice.  Good night.

Rather harsh.

.

.

A lot of things hurt, inside and out, muscles and headache.  Tight.

I am still awake.  So, a shower will be taken.  Then dishes in.  I won't refill waterers or bottles.  I just don't have it.  So very tired.

Milk arrived.  I can fill a few kefir bottles and keep that going.  Oh, and I will probably give Sam a bit.  It might not be good for her?  But she loves it.  At her age, she gets some things as she wants them.

I will check the rabbits, make sure they have enough water.  I will replace any which is empty.  The bunnies drink a lot this time, little that.  Never can tell.

Oh, and I remembered, finally, to take anacin.  I need that stuff, sometimes.  Though, often, it does little or nothing.  It often helps when I am sleeping where it might not if I was to stay awake.  The odds are better.

Well, on to a shower.  Then to bed.  Good night.  ...  Crap.  I will have to be awake for a while, to allow my hair to dry.  My mother left a hair dryer, it's just... I don't really know how they work.  Hmm... might be worth figuring out?  It... couldn't be too awfully complicated, could it?  I wonder what caliber it is?  Good night.

Dishes done.

.

.

It was harder to done than I thought it would be.  Still, a piece at a time, dishes were completed.  The counter was ready.  And the towels had been washed and hung dry... waiting for their next use.  Everything that was in the pool is out on the beach, finish drying.

It is 68 outside!  Dark, though.  But no air flow, now breeze, wind, nothing.  But it feels like rain could hit any time.  Not sure it will, just... the sense is there.  I opened things up, turned on a fan. and will probably open the upstairs when I end up going on to bed.

An hour, or two, down... assuming I can last that long.  A break though.  The hope is for a shower yet today.  If I can do anything else, it would be putting dishes in after I shower.  Not many, really.  So, yes, probably... if I can get to a shower.  I would really like to fill the waterers, though, too.  And some bottles with any water left in the bucket.

I think, I say think, I can do those things.  Right now I feel like I am being squeezed.  My heart is tight, my lungs seem full.  I am very worn.  Even my torso hurts as if it had been squeezed, as if a true giant of enormous size had squeezed me, then tossed me aside.  Ah, anacin.  Oh, and medicine.  I almost forgot that.

I'm not sure I can focus in order to game.  I may, though.  Otherwise I will definitely crash.  Good night, and day.  Though... it looks like I might make it a few more hours into the day.  A good thing.  Have a great day.

A bit done.

.

.

Rabbits, fed and watered.  Two groups, both multiple does, are drinking extra water.  So I have set it up so that I leave an extra waterer out near them, so when I go to put the ducks in... or just to check randomly during the afternoon or evening... there is extra water for them.  As is they receive the largest bottles I have.  So be it.

As well, I finished the counters and stovetop.  And the dishes were reset, if they hadn't been?  I had hoped to be able to push on through, do more work.  It just wasn't possible.  Too tired, wore out very quickly.  I pushed to get those things done with an hour break between them.  

I should be heading on to bed, but I won't.  I really want to get that load of dishes done, and then a shower.  More dishes set up after that?  Maybe, since they are ready.  Assuming I can get the prerequisites done.  Blood sugar dropped between fifty and sixty points, if still ~212 or so.  No insulin, light meals.  No sweetened tea.

To be fair, sweetened tea was all I could drink in the volume needed... for the longest time.  It has only been since I have cut the water pill, as well as begun managing fluid intake in part because I am now able for whatever reason, that I have been able to use kefir and perrier as my sole fluids.  I can't drink enough straight water, either from the tap or from r.o.  I just can't.  I'm cheap, would if I could.  Anyway... perrier is much better for diabetes, as is kefir.

Sometime, soon, I need to cook another roast, or chicken.  I do have canned veggies, but real veggies would be nice.  I have been planning to get out, for a number of reasons, for a full week... more... now?  It just, I haven't been able to get out.  I'll keep trying.  Getting some work done, a shower in, and possibly being able to get a shower the next several days in a row as well, might help.  Oh, and brushing my teeth is... becoming a thing again.  You... can't honestly believe I simply don't want to brush my teeth?  Bleh.  

Brush, scrub, clean, clear, I am hoping to get things back in order.  Slowly, perhaps.  But... I still have most of the boxes broken down and taken out.  The cages are set up, if I can just get that sorted.  Food and waterers... do I have enough?  And it's a bit of a truck out to the outbuilding... for me... in my condition.

Mind you, this level of poor condition is temporary, I hope.  Just the medicine thing... and a cooler spring.  I am hoping, in a few days to a few weeks, I will be able to do more than what I am doing... without seeing stars and having to sit so I don't pass out.  It was good, then... there is now.  I am hoping it gets a bit better soon.

Medicine, then on to dishes.  As well, I may set up the waterers and fill a few more bottles.  Some of them are already freezing.  I probably have enough for four small bottles per rabbit, and maybe two big bottles.  Just in case they don't freeze very fast, or I forget.  I'm not sure how long it takes these to freeze, or thaw.  

I suspect I will put a bottle out when I do morning chores, then change the bottle out later in the day.  There are automatic watering systems... I've been looking at designs which might be freeze-proof... or... as much as that is possible.  That won't work in the outbuilding though.  And, in the summer, I'll still have to put out frozen bottles.

Anyway... those the plans, some thoughts, a few hopes, and just the way it is.  I am starting to hurt.  Not sure why.  Oddly, the leg is doing better.  I'll hit some aspiring, set an alarm for an hour, then take a jab at getting waterers and bottles filled, dishes done, a shower, maybe laundry separated into types of loads, and the last dishes set up for washing?  Maybe.  Maybe.  Oh, and medicine right now.

Later, or good night... day.

Chilly.

.

.

It got cooler, if technically warmer?  The thermometer is showing a two degree rise.  But it doesn't feel warmer.  It is overcast, and there is air movement.  I won't say a wind, or even breeze... just... the airmass is moving... bringing cold with it.  Further, there is moisture on the air.  However, I would call it more of a spring cool, than a winter one.

It looks like it was sprinkling, too.  Not a lot.  Not for long.  Just dots of moisture, thinly scattered on the ground as evidence.  More would be good, even if it makes it colder.  Cooler?  I just haven't quite decided which to call it, cold or cool?  I did become chill enough to turn the furnace on and up.

Half of the chores done.  Ducks, fed and watered.  Rabbits before too long.  As well, I cleared the counter which is required for dishes.  Having done so, I set the dishes for a final wash.  And a few jars to a fresh rinse.  I'll get to them in a couple of hours.  I do have to wash off the counters first, but... that is the easy part.  And I have a pan, with soap, just waiting for hot water for that task.

Somehow I have pulled the muscle in the back of my right leg.  It hurts to stand and sit.  Not sure what I did.  All I know is the biggest muscle in the back of my leg hurts continually.  I can find a place to sit in which it hurts less, as with standing.  And I can't walk quickly, or bend over well.  No worries, It'll finally get done today.

Crap... laundry.  I had hoped, when I got to this point, to be able to hang the laundry out.  I either have to wait on washing or use the dryer.  It isn't that it saves me money.  That really isn't the point.  It's more that I would like to see if they smell fresher and feel better next to the skin?  I... don't know.  I like the towels, they are far more absorbent.  While they scratch the skin, that is a plus in my book.  Like a big old bull rub!

Blood sugar is still a bit high.  But I am afraid to use insulin.  It absolute smashes my level into the dirt.  I kept using less, to no real effect.  It took longer for it to dive, but dive it did.  Even when eating (at that point, very keto... I sort of gave up, and had the bread since it isn't mattering anyway).  I haven't had more than five hundred calories in the last twenty four hours.  But I did have bread before that.

Anyway... dishes, almost for sure.  The first loads through.  Then a shower.  The last chores.  Then setting up the last of the dishes.  I think I can get those things done today.  I will hold off on laundry, at least washing them.  I may separate the loads as I do.  Put on load in, for when that is possible.

Tired, but... doing okay.  I... think I can get to these things today.  Later.

Putting in the effort.

.

.

First, to stay awake.  I made it to 13:00, perhaps some after, before going to bed.  It wasn't much.  It was what I could do.  It took everything I had.  I woke earlier.  After several attempts at staying in bed, I could no longer do so at 01:00, almost exactly... or actually, exactly.

I am in pretty good shape.  Fasting blood sugar is 267.  No insulin for a few days.  Will see how things shake out over time.  I haven't been eating much either, though.  Some kefir, perrier.  Oh, but I did find a can of bread in the basement, and had two of those over the last few days.  It's... actually pretty good.  More like a heavy cake... dark rye bread.  Probably as anti-keto as it gets.  Bleh.  I have them as stored foods, mid to long term.  I wanted to see how they tasted and such.  Pretty good, really.  Sliced into fifth rounds, toasted in the oven, slathered in canned butter (which I was also testing).  Not bad, just... definitely not keto.

While, technically, very early, I take medicine as I get up... given the time.  Since I go to bed around early afternoon... if trying to push that... this is morning.  Then I can take the 'night' medicine any time after 08:00 that I happen to think of it.  This saves me from having to double dose a little to close together.  That... can be a bit dangerous.  I think.  Anyway... I've been doing what it takes to get medicine in for a month and going on three days.

The goal, again, is to clean counters, do dishes, and get a shower taken.  I would like to fill waterers, and a few more bottles to be frozen for summer rabbit use.  Getting those, and what were done yesterday, in to be frozen before using the freezer top as a dishes drying area.  There is hope.  And, maybe, today.  I get overwhelmed with things to do, though am able to do little.  So tired.  Medicine is rough.

Oh, I left the windows open downstairs.  I decided against opening the windows upstairs though.  It was 68 and 70 (closest to me) upstairs, and ~68 downstairs when I woke.  It is 51 F outside.  Very strange.  Very warm for the givens?  I think I'll fill the waterers, and bottles, then go out for fresh water to see if what my senses suggest actually fits with reality.  It's a very strange change of weather... though this is more as it should be.  Meh, who knows.

Then back to waking.  Later.

Such problems!

.

.

I have things... to do.  Groceries, bills to pay... things which require showering, dressing correctly, and driving.  I have the money.  I simply can't get everything together to get going.  I thought to call, for help... just a little help.  But that isn't possible.  One of the bills needing paid is the phone.

I did get chores done.  I filled some of the bottles to be frozen.  A few other very small things.  But I keep running out of energy.  I checked blood sugar.  It is 272 or so.  I am afraid to take insulin, at the moment.  Every time I do, it drops too far and fast.  I keep taking less.  It keeps not mattering!  Even when I allow myself to eat, it just plummets.

If I can shift days and nights just a bit more, I can get in shortly after waking.  So it won't be such a stretch.  Still, it would be nice to get the insulin to work as it should.  I'm not sure, exactly, what the trouble is.  I am eating the right foods.  I don't have anything else in the house to eat, mostly.  It must be heart medicine.  I've had trouble with diabetes when starting medicine before.

Oh, but it was quite nice outside.  I would love to go out, be out in it.  It hit 60, last I looked.  That's... rather warm for recent weather.  We had that for a bit, then it fell again.  I have turned the furnace off, and opened windows downstairs.  I am attempting to stay awake until later this afternoon.  No promises, but... maybe.  When I do go upstairs, if I can keep focus, maintain memory, I will open the windows up there as well.  Perhaps turn a fan on down here and up there as well.

I keep dreaming of women I have loved, or wanted to love.  There are some number of women who were interested in me, as well.  Sometimes things just didn't work out.  Sometimes, I think, people didn't want us together... interfered.  Or, we... just were always in the wrong places at the right times... never could get away together.  The look, in a woman's eyes, when she... likes you.  When she is open to you.  It's... a fantastic thing.  Even if it is never fulfilled.  I... like women, certain ones.  Though, there are some women I will avoid like the plague.

Oh, I meant to order meds.  Two med-sets isn't much.  And insulin is running low.  Another month?  I think so.  Phone.  It isn't paid.  More?  I don't want to pay it until at least the third... then put it on autopay.  Ugh...  I am so stuck in something akin to limbo.  Can't think, work, even play.  I just drift.

I'll... keep working on it.  Later.  Or good night.  Actually, I think I pretty much have to crash.  Good night, and day.

Not a big thing...

.

.

Actually?  It was a big thing.  Not physical, mental.  Medicine dispensers, set up.  I did two of them.  It seems easy, but it's quite a go.  I have around 30 pills, medicine, vitamins, and minerals, plus a sublingual vitamin group.  Well, and insulin.  Of course, insulin and sublingual don't go in the box.

It is nearly an even split between morning and night.  Some pills are taken both times, some only once a day.  That ends up being around 900 pills per month.  Getting them just right is a bit of a trick.  So I wait until I have my mental faculties in some sort of clarity.  Even then it is a bit of a test.   That was 1800 pills.  And, actually, I think I got them all in the right places.  I did a few spot checks as I was going through them.  Not... bad.  I couldn't have done that most of this week.

While at it, kefir.  I really do like that stuff.  It is tasting odd, though.  I wonder if someone is getting in and doing something to it.  The back door was unlocked today.  It shouldn't have been.  I am all but certain I locked it up before going to bed.  Though, maybe, just maybe... when I unlocked it to have a way in in case the other door shut I didn't lock it back up after.  Though I am pretty sure I did.

I haven't done anything with the dishes yet.  And I won't, until or unless I clear the counters so as to have a place for clean dishes.  Then I will wash the dishes, then rinse them, take a break, and then dry them and set them out.  Not... yet.  Setting up the medicine sort of wore me out.  I'll game, a bit.  Set the alarm for an hour and an half?  Two?  Then see if I can hit it.  Before that, one bit of work... litter needs cleared.  Then to gaming for a bit.  Ugh.

Well, on to the litter and gaming.  Later.

Not as planned.

.

.

What I had done, on the last post, was all that got done.  I was able to stay awake until 13:00, and change, I think ten after.  I am waking at 00:21.

Feet hurt, a bit.  Kidneys too.  Nothing too terrible, just very notably.  Can't miss.

The body tried to wake at 21:30, then 23:10.  I was able to shut it all back down until this time.  I would have preferred a few more hours down, but... in a way... I already got that.  It is as much as I could hope.  Any more and my body will get real cranky, achy.  I do better with six to eight hours of sleep, body-wise, but that isn't always possible.  It's almost never possible.  A few months, max, then sleep becomes... offkilter.  I begin sleeping in three to five hour groups, several times a day.  I have done everything possible to change that.

Today?  Dishes!  Well, counters first.  I did collect most of the flatware, and will finish clearing after I wake.  Then washing all of the counters and the stovetop.  THEN, dishes, a shower, and laundry... then put in the last of the dishes.  I am sure it will happen today.

As well, while in there doing that, over various stretches between work and breaks, I will begin filling water bottles for the rabbits.  I have 16.9 ounce bottles, and double those... perrier is delivered in those odd sizes.  They are stronger bottles, too.  So there is some hope they will last.  I have one set of waterers to set, then will use the remaining water to fill these.

I don't want to use tap water, as it indoors it goes through a water softener.  But, for the outside water, it still has chlorine, so it's best to let that sit out over night and gas out the chlorine.  Yes, boys and girls, it does that.  Why?  Well, as I change out water bottles, on hot days, I may just dump the water into drinking bowls or their regular waterers... especially if they are still slightly cool.  Saves a trip.  It's extra work, but so would be getting extra waterers and changing those out.  Half a dozen, or six, most likely...

I am also doing things with my game.  I am setting up all of the types of players with maxed level, street cred, coin, and pieces and parts for crafting, before beginning the game, mostly.  There are three types.  And it takes a while.  I had hoped to be done long ago, but even this is beyond my capacity of late.  I am lucky if I can play two or three hours every other day.  So... it's... taking a while.

It's a bitch, when playing games... which I generally love to do... is as work.  I actually, as mentioned, really want to work.  I was so close, to getting my cave together.  And, I am still quite ahead.  But, I... haven't been able to do more than a few hours every other day.  And, with food and bathing, and teeth, and such... that... isn't much time for actual work.

I keep trying.  I will keep trying.  I am hoping today will be a start.  On the good side, I am now officially on medicine again.  And I am getting back to days.  Still struggling with blood sugar, but... I... am struggling.  Not just quitting, or falling off, mostly.  Ugh.  Still not sure why I haven't died.  Seriously.  Later.

A start.

.

.

Dishes were reset.  A hot soak.  I have a dishpan ready to be filled with hot water, to be used to clean the counters... so dishes can be done.  I should take another dishpan, for the flatware currently in the way... needing washed.  Teeth have been brushed.  I had fallen down on things, including that.

Pretty much, everything I had become good at managing had stopped.  Showering, brushing teeth, and hair... why brush hair if it isn't clean.  Not a willful failure, simply... I couldn't do things.  The only things I was able to manage, and only just barely... pushing it sometimes... was animal feeding, watering, and other care.

Still difficult.  I started getting back to grooming a few days ago... a week ago... two weeks ago?  But it was pretty hit and miss.  I've been doing better the last few days, but it's still not quite up to par.  Getting there.  If I can get the counters done, and do the main set of dishes, then take a shower, that will be a couple of cycles of most things, done well and timely.  Closer.

Medicine is still difficult.  Though part of it is due to the cold weather.  It is April 29th, and it is 35 degrees, F, out there.  That is the low, probably, but that is a rather chill low for this time or year.  And, that is pretty typical... lately... not normally.  Something like that.

I did get the waterers all set up as well.  Food is ready, for when it is time to feed the critters.  I may be able to do a few things else, this morning.  Nothing fancy, just hook up the mangers, and fill those.  Perhaps set up a few others as well.  And, finally, just maybe, get the other cages arranged, with feeders and waterers.  Then get bunnies out to them.  I simply haven't been able, lately, to do much.

Ah, and blood sugar was better.  Well, I mean, it was rather high, fasting, in the 290 range.  That was because it keeps dropping and I keep having to go overboard to keep the crash from damaging me.  However, with a smaller dose of insulin, and food along the way, blood sugar is ~160 later into the morning.  I can handle that.  Plus, it doesn't seem to be further crashing.

I am having another kefir, after resetting the dishes and filling the waterers.  Even doing just a bit of work can cause a crash.  Things have been strange, that way, lately.  Those notions have always been true, but they weren't so severe.  I wonder if it is the cold, along with restarting medicine... the heart medicine... that is causing problems?

Still, it's... doing well.  I hope to get out and get started with the counters in about an hour or two.  If I can do that, dishes shouldn't be difficult.  Then a shower.  Then, after a break, perhaps getting the last of the dishes set up to a soak.  Who knows what else might be possible yet today.  Later.

Why so variable?

.

.

Yesterday night, waking happened at 21:30, I think.  Tonight, 23:37.  Each night for the last few weeks, month... ah... medicine.  Until I get used to it, things will just be different.  When I get back on it, there will be variability, but generally only in one direction.  Currently I can lose two to six hours (or nothing, depending on variables I don't know).  When fully on, or off, medicine, I generally only lose time in one direction, later.

I have been fighting that since I first got ill.  I can't keep time static.  No matter how many alarms, or what requirements I have or create, waking on a regular time isn't possible.  Which is why I don't work.  I think the longest I have been able to keep days, generally, is about three months.  But even that wouldn't have allowed me regular work.  Unless there was a shift change half way through.

When going to college, I did everything I could to regulate my days and nights.  I also had a woman, who in theory would help.  Toward the end, she began sabotaging me.  Why?  Because it was killing me... the failure.  Not the academics... it was the attempt to get up and be there.  Surprised I didn't die.  Pushed way too hard.

Strange thing is, when I have a woman, but no external stresses, I can lead a much more normal life.  Not... perfectly, but better.  Especially if... I like being with her.  If she becomes too stressful, I... drift.  No choice.  Add external efforts in, and that goes away.

Pain?  Just a bit, on the feet.  And kidneys, if more when trying to sleep.  I would wake to them barking a bit.  Now that I am up, they seem better.  Or... behind the veil.  Something still there, but my body's pain management keeps it from conscious sensation.  Feet are okay though, across the board.  A lot better than they have been for the last week.  Odd that they hurt while I slept, and more right while waking, to only just stop hurting.  I'll take it.

I didn't do any work yesterday... other than chores... if barely.  As for food, I just heated parts of the roast.  I am hoping to do dishes, and maybe make something to eat.  I'm not hungry, at all.  I just... know I should eat.  I wasn't hungry yesterday, either.  I haven't been hungry for a while.

I need to get the waterers refilled, do dishes, hit the laundry, and get a shower.  Plus food.  The girls have been fed, but I need to hit their litter.  It is 45 outside, but a pleasant general feel.  No wind, no moisture in the air, just... a rather good night.  I put the ducks in.  Looks like the rabbits need water, but they don't drink at night so I'll just get them first thing in the morning.  I may need to get a pail or water, two... to change the girls' water.

First, though, to wake.  Look around the web.  Play the game a bit.  Then some work.  I think I can tonight.  It has been a month, on medicine.  One day missed, out of twenty eight... right?  I think so.  I have another month set up.  I have three more packs I could fill.  And, I may do just that... if I have enough medicine.  Then, mostly, refill as I finish.  Try to keep on top, so I don't lose track again.  Bleh.

Later.

Blood sugar problems.

.

.

I have eaten three times.  I have been careful with insulin dosing.  It doesn't seem to matter.  Blood sugar was 100 last time I checked.  Which was fine, until it began diving off a cliff again.  I ate several things, to keep it from dropping.  Absolutely no use, it kept falling.  

I am not feeling well.  I surrendered and took a few sugar tabs.  Even that isn't helping all that much.  I took a whole roll of them, in the end, and still feel rough.  Dizziness, slight nausea, the sweats... you... know the routine.  I have eaten, and several times, and good food.  More roast pork, kefir, and other such.

What I haven't been consuming is sweetened tea.  I have been going with kefir and various sorts of perrier.  I may have to really cut my insulin, and stick with perrier.  I'd... much rather quit insulin, if possible.  Or definitely cut it.  I guess I didn't realize how much of an impact the artificial sweetener had.  Well, that and... I didn't think I had much choice.  Maybe I do.

The stupid thing is this.  Insulin is a LOT more expensive than perrier.  I usually get the water for less than a dollar a bottle.  If I drink, say, three a day?  Ninety bucks.  Whereas insulin is, probably, what... $700 a month? $1,600?  More?  But, since I am not paying for insulin, the bottled water is nearly out of my range.

Yes, I have tried tap, I have tried r.o. water.  Those aren't the same.  I can't drink those as well.  I have been seeking something, aside from tea, I can drink a bit more of... as water pills dry me out something awful.  This stuff works... or for now.  This, and kefir, seem to be able, combined, to replace tea.  Not sure I can afford it though.  Crazy.

Anyway.  I don't think I can make it for blood tests today.  Absolutely shot.  I can't believe this.  I'm not sure... where to go from here.  Just stop taking insulin?  I can't lower it that much more.  It wouldn't be significant.  Very strange.  I'll... keep at it.  But, for now, to find something else to eat.  A very odd day.  Later.  Or good night.  I may end up crashing.  No choice.

Something very wicked this way comes.

.

.

We no longer have a government.  Neither is it legitimate, nor is it for our benefit.  The military, intelligence services, even the bureaucracies, are against us.  Who, exactly, are they for?  Do they even know?  Do they just, as with tyrannies past, just do what they are told, just do their job, and not worry about who gives the orders or the effects those have?

It is even to a point where they aren't supporting what had been their system supports.  From Hollywood to the media, not only have people dropped out, but the powers that be aren't even trying to create the fake numbers which lend legitimacy.  The only reason most companies remain seemingly alive is because they are being bought by our government which is being bought by China, Japan, and whoever else is buying our debt.  It's... all debt, their is no value, worth, wealth, in any of that.

Everything is illegitimate at this point.  Nothing is supported by the people.  Whoever is in power doesn't care.  What is it they know, or think they know?  Who really is endangered?  Who is writing the scripts for news and else?  And what is coming?  I am pretty sure they don't know much.  They are afraid.  Not really of us, but of something.  Are they just buying time?  Or is there some kind of game at hand, one they think can be won?

I would be cautious.  Don't trust what you hear, what they say.  Be ready.  Have some extra food on hand.  Don't do anything without really thinking it through, no matter how dire the warnings seem.  Be careful out there, folks.  Something is terribly wrong and very few are honestly on your side.  Many who have your ear may well sell you out to get even another day themselves, or for their family.

It's coming, slow or fast.

When?

.

.

I can't remember when I went to bed.  Was it more like 10:00?  Or noon?  Or did I make it to early afternoon?  I just don't know.  It isn't from a lack of curiosity.  I remember looking at the clock three or four times, as I was tucking in.  I couldn't recall, so I would look again.  I must never have been able to put it into memory.

I woke at 21:30, pushed to sleep longer, making it to 22:00, or just shy of that.  I closed the ducks in and checked the rabbits.  The mini ladies were quite dry, so I changed out their waterer for fresh.  The rest were good, food and water.  Someone keeps opening the food bins, and forgetting to lower them... on the rabbit hutches.

I'd rather you not attempt to help.  Overfeeding is a problem.  I don't need someone else messing with feed.  Don't.  If I am failing, I will call someone for help.  Don't volunteer, thank you.

Anyway... today?  Hopefully dishes.  Counters first, actually.  Then dishes.  After I get the dishes set to a final soapy soak, I will prep laundry.  Start a wash?  You know?  Maybe.  It feels dry outside, and at 40, I could put things up.  A load, maybe two, small.  I only have two lines.  About fifty feet.  When I reset the posts, and once that is set, I plan on adding two more lines.  It isn't that I have all that much laundry at any given time... the way you might be thinking.  It's that my close are huge.  One of my shirts might well take up the space of two of your pants or shirts.  Thankfully, that really doesn't mean it takes any longer to dry.  Perhaps less, as there is a lot more cloth per volume of moisture retained from washing?  I'd... lay a minor wager... even though I'm not a betting man.  Lets not bet money, lets bet work.  So... actual wealth.

I have been staying on medicine, if little else.  Insulin, too.  Vitamins and minerals, as well, if trying to eat those as much as take them.  I am even taking D3 + K2, sublingual.  And, I take a bit more than recommended because of the water pill.  Not... too too much, but more than daily.  Then again, as well, my size.  Every dose, to my knowledge, is size based.  At nearly 300 pounds... I... take more.  Not usually double a 150 pound man, but... more... a lot more.  It's an odd thing, deciding dose.  It also makes calorie counting more complicated.  And, yes, I can have a lot more carbs than your average keto bear and stay in ketosis.  Though, the type of carb as well makes a huge difference.  Fifteen grams of vegetal carbs, fresh, cooked or raw, is a lot "less" than fifteen grams of sugar, honey, or such.  Sugars are just out, they will through ketosis pretty much instantly.

Oh, after dishes, if I can clear counters, finish those, and get them done and drying, I will take a shower.  Love those things!  Oh, my, yes.  I ought to take a bath, next time I finish a load of dishes, if I am ahead and can just push them through.  A bath is a grander thing yet.

A number of dreams.  The odd one was buying fake grapes as a gift for an aunt and uncle who are long past.  Fake grapes?  It was... a thing... perhaps in the mid-70's?  People would put them out, as table decorations.  They were plastic, but looked and (if chilled) felt real.  The problem is, people would take them... to chew on, or just because.  Family!  Ugh.

Well, I was accused of having done so.  I hadn't, but I was so accused.  So... I was buying replacements.  I had been given some, after the arrangement had already nearly been decimated.  I had chewed on those, out of curiosity.  Like a never-ending grape... albeit with no flavor or juice save what you could generate.

Such a weird dream.  I was the wrong age for the time, and never stole or replaced said.  Still, I... enjoyed the memories of family.  We didn't always get along, agree, or such.  But... family is what family is.  Be good to these people, even if they might be wrong.  They really are, when it comes down to it, all you have in this whole world.  They might be weak, they may fail, but... it's... all you have.

Well... on to waking.  My feet are still sore.  Not much I can do.

Something, anyway.

.

.

A pork roast was pressure cooked, from frozen.  Not the most tender, if I let it run almost dry with the release valve set to open.  Still, it... was edible.  Even Sam claimed a chunk.  There were little bits, cut for her, but... no.  She went with the main piece.  Thankfully that was just a piece of the big part.  Stupid cat!  Though, yeah, I understand.  Eyes, stomach, mismatch.

Then I drained the dishes.  I set up a larger tupperware container, with soapy water, to do counters.  I just couldn't get to that.  I did eventually get a shower.  A much needed shower, and wanted, loved, definitely love those.  Love doesn't help the cripple walk so as to clear the way, always, though.

Then to chores.  It is cold out there, boys and girls.  At 10:00, it was 40, blustery, cloudy to darkness out there, and just not nice.  There is moisture on the air, I think anyway.  Fed and watered.  The girls have been being kept up on, if I need to get their litter this morning yet.

Chores absolutely beat me, this morning.  It can wear me down a bit, but usually not like this.  The weather?  Ah... blood sugar drop.  That pretty much pounds me into the dirt, then takes a day or two to actually recover.  Yes, not again.  I'll just have to go in without fasting.  They get what they get.  I can't do that another day in a row.

I should sleep well, with the shower having been taken... and chores all caught up.  Hopefully, with that, I can clean counters and do that load of dishes.  Perhaps taking another shower before setting up the last of the dishes.  The last of the dishes will only require a small dishpan.  And with the gloves, I can work those while still very hot.  But, they are a lot more work because there are many, small, individual pieces, requiring a good deal of stooping.  Meh, it'll... maybe... get down.

I may feed the girls, in a bit, before bedtime.  And get their litter.  If I can.  So absolutely swamped.  Not terribly hungry, but I want to get insulin.  So... kefir.  I can eat that almost any time.  Eat?  Drink?  This is about a split between the two.  Sam is staring to like it, sometimes.  She really, currently, prefers milk.  Once in a while she gets a real hankering for kefir though.

I get grumpy with her, but try to avoid that.  She is between 22 and 25.  Surprising she isn't fragile, for as skinny as she is.  And, while she isn't grumpy, she can be quite rude.  She has lost many of her social graces, and just does... without thinking.  Oh, I... I know.  When I am in terrible shape, I... we... share that.  She hasn't much time.  And I do love her quite a bit.  I want her last days to years to be as... pleasant as possible.  So frustrating, but... this is a gift.  She is teaching me patience and even humility in her last years... knowingly or not.

Later, or good night... and day.

Crashed, again.

.

.

I was much more careful.  I used less than half the dose.  I ate far more carbs... though 15 grams... grams?  something..., up from 0 isn't much, in one sense.  It is still significant in another way.  And I ate more in volume.  Didn't matter.  Blood sugar dropped to 78, and was still falling.  So very strange.  I had to eat, again.

I tried to eat low carb items.  Sardines, two types, kalamata olives, and two to three cups of kefir.  Blood sugar was still falling.  No choice, I had to have carb tabs again.  I took several, then waited an hour.  It... took more.  Even now I have slight sweats and shakes.

So... not going in today.  Mostly because I am left too weak.  Tomorrow?  Tomorrow I will just eat, take my meds, and eat as needed.  I will go no matter what else, and keep from allowing blood sugar to collapse.  As to fasting blood testing?  Oh well.  It just won't happen for the time being.  Ugh.

All else?  I... will do what I can.  I think I'll make a pork roast.  I need food.  Real food.  Later.

Oh, right.

.

.

I woke around 21:00.  Not sure when I went to bed.  Before noon?  In an attempt to get a nap taken?  I think so.  Just a bit before noon, I think.  Slept all day, hard sleeping, if waking a few times.  A strange, but good, sleep.  Perhaps because it was both cold and dark out?

Blood sugar was high, 270 fasting.  Expected, due to being required to take a roll of carb tabs.  Still, it could have been worse.  A meal, again, and insulin.  But less insulin, and a bit more carbs in the meal.  Still a kefir, but with fruit mixed in.  Didn't eat until 23:30.  Couldn't get going to eat.

I have an alarm set for about 02:00, to see what blood sugar is doing.  If it is dropping too fast, or is too low, I will try to eat something as a corrective.  Just, say, a couple of cups of raw kefir.  Not to... emergency boost, hopefully, and if needed... just enough to level it, keep it from crashing.  Then, perhaps, head for testing if blood sugar remains level enough... about eight hours after food.  That would give me even a bit more time, on the trip, to be sure it is a fasting blood draw.

No sweetened tea, only plain water or unsweetened tea, between now and then... if... blood sugar doesn't crash.  Ugh.

I still need to get a shower, do some dishes, clean up a bit in the kitchen... if I can do any of it.  I'm sort of stuck.  But I... keep planning, trying, willing things.  That... only just goes just so far.  I have stopped quitting, if I am rarely successful.  But, that... just is the way it is.  All good.  I'll turn the furnace up, do some gaming to try to get the mind working, then do some cleaning and a shower in order to get the body back to things.  Or... try... hope.

Later.

The plan did not work.

.

.

Things to do this morning.  I said I would.  And... I will.  Just not today.

I needed to fast.  I had a meal at about 01:30, just kefir.  Blood sugar, fasting, was 224.  So, with the first and last meal for a while, it was proposed, I took insulin.  The plan was to not eat again until later in the day.  After some tests.  At about 04:30, or so, however, something felt wrong.

Yes, you may have guessed it.  A blood sugar dip.  It wasn't terrible, when I tested it.  But at 86 it was slightly low.  That wasn't the real problem.  The real problem was that it was still falling, and picking up speed on the way down.  This... wasn't going to work.  I had to eat, and have carb tabs.  No real choice.  So... no testing today.

I will try again tomorrow.  This time more carefully.  More then just kefir to eat, and a slightly lower dose of insulin.  The stupid thing is that I have been using similar dosing and similar consumption for the last three days... to very different results.  I'll get it sorted.

As well, I pretty much fell down on all other plans.  Blood sugar drops are terrible things.  They steal energy, strength, focus, and else.  I am in recovery now, but not well enough to do much.  I am still hoping for a shower, after dishes.  I will wash dishes, but not do more.  Set them aside, take a shower, set them to a rinse, and hope I can yet clear and clean the counters.  Perhaps dishes will be completed yet today.  Or not.

It is dark, raining, outside.  Hmm.  I may actually need to take a nap.  That really wipes me out.  And a short nap shouldn't be a great problem.  I think I can keep it to a nap.  I'll feed the girls, first, again.  And probably eat something myself, as well.  Tricky how blood sugar can work.  I do my best, it just doesn't always matter.

Later.

A bit past midnight.

.

.

Awake, and most well.  The feet hurt.  Even the bottoms, as if bruised.  Everything else seems... mostly good.  Blood sugar, fasting, is high.  If not as high.  It is down to 224 or so.  I have been careful with what I have eaten.  Even so, it takes a few days for that to come down.  I have decided to toss the sausages.  It just isn't worth it.  I will replace with bacon when I can.

Dreams, of women again.  But this time it was more than just pleasantries.  Nothing erotic, but the idea was there.  That was the premise of the dreams, without fulfillment of any sort.  Frustration, but not a bad one to have.  I've been wrestling it, in various ways for over a decade and an half.  Meh.  Still, it's... nice to... still consider such.  If I find the right woman, I'll... dip my toe in if the p's, q's, t's, and i's are managed rightly.  No more lovers, but a wife?  Maybe.

I am draining the dishes.  I plan to get those out, get a shower taken, then reset those.  Then on to counters and laundry.  That is all I... ackh!  Trash must go out.  Recycling, if I could get something going there... or boxes out?  Do I have the time or energy to do it all?  If not, what should I do first?  Shower is a, the, priority.  Trash and dishes are about tied for next.  Laundry is last.

I am not sure why the feet hurt so much.  If you have ever bruised the bottom of your feet, by stepping on stones, or running barefoot and striking the bottoms, you know what I am talking about.  But I haven't been doing anything which should cause that.  And I have been managing fluid intake and removal very carefully and well.  They just shouldn't hurt.  But they do.

Hopefully, today or in the next few days, I will get out to the store.  Fresh veggies for soup/stew... a few replacements for what I have been using, bacon, and butter.  Anything else?  Trying to keep  the list short.  Some burger, a roast of several types, chicken, and frozen fruit.  I have just been drinking kefir straight, lately.  I like fruit in it from time to time.  Trying to keep the sum less than $50~$75.  Trying to get that to last two weeks.  Oh... mushrooms and some sort of cabbage or kale!  When you get into soups and stews, these things are addictive.

I... best get medicine in.  I thought I had taken it already.  Nope.  Still, all good.  I'll take the morning meds in the morning, since I am nearly back to regular days... almost.  It sounds like it is raining out there... or sprinkling... or was.  Could definitely use it.  Later.

Into the middle afternoon.

.

.

Tired beyond comfort.  Nothing else done.  Then again, it is dark and cool out there.

I will feed the girls again?  Uhrm, actually, no.  They have been fed four times this long day.  Once too many.  I lost track.  I did get their litter tended.  And fresh water.  They have been slightly spoiled.  This is, not always, a bad thing.  It makes up for my flaws, and is good once in a while, just because.  We all deserve a good day.

I am hoping to wake in time to get the trash to the curb.  I could, probably, wrangle another partial bag.  I have a partial.  But it is very light.  I'd really have to dig to find more.  Though, there is packing material which could go, and would fill a last bag well.  

Trash, dishes, a shower... tonight.  I can hope.  So very tired.  Have a great day.  I am hoping for a great night.  Amen.

Chores, finally.

.

.

I have been thinking on chores since around 08:00.  It is 11:45 and I just finished them.  Then again, I only needed to change two waterers, and add food to a few feeders.  I topped all the feeders off, for no other reason than it seemed prudent.  Ducks get feed about every other day.  Not that I begrudge them.  But if they still have feed in their feeders, I don't add extra.  They are rather good at foraging.  Feed is more needed in the winter.

I had to refill waterers before I could get to them.  Which, oddly, was the hold up.  It is cool.  The thermometer, outdoors, reads 46~48 F.  But it isn't as warm as that might make it seem.  There is a hefty breeze to middling wind, plus a dampness to the air flow which makes it seem much cooler.

Still, done.  I keep thinking of work, and failing.  I can't even get to my game.  I... want to... work... play.  I just can't focus.

I am back down to two water pills.  I can more easily tell by seeing how many potassium pills are set to be used.  If only two, that tells me how many water pills.  While I have, and do, miss, I am doing exceptionally well given my state at the moment.  So very tired, confused, pained, and not with it.

I am having trouble with blood sugar.  I can, do, get my daytime... after meal... blood sugar to about ~130.  But fasting blood sugar is staying around 250.  I thought it might be the artificial sweetener being difficult.  But I cut that for a few days.  Nope.  I... think it is the pork link sausages.  They must stuff it with sugar.  I will finish them off, but never buy that brand again.  

I had been coming down, between keto and insulin.  Then I started that, and... here I am.  If I could figure out a shower, and shopping, I might well dump the last of the sausages... buying bacon and clean sausages or just ground pork.  I wouldn't mind ground chicken, if I could find it.  Try that mixed with the pork, seasoned by me.  Yea, I... can do well... when... I can do.

A bit achy, tired, as I near bedtime.  I am still hoping to stay awake a few more hours.  Which means there is a chance I could hit the dishes, maybe at least sort some laundry, and take a shower.  I need a shower... ugh.  Need.  Want too, but need.  I've been... down... just sitting... for too long.  I hate this phase of things, no matter the cause.

Later.  Or good night, and day.