Something is off.

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I had to push to make it to noon.  It wasn't just exhaustion.  For the first time, other when I used to drink heavily, I became dizzy.  My strength of will, prayer potency, helped.  I was able to be mobile, with great stability, if slower than I prefer.  As well, a bloody nose happened with no cause.  It hit around 9:30.  So making it to noon was a challenge.

I wondered if it was blood sugar.  It was 122 fasting, 144 at 9:30 without having eaten?  It almost never goes up without calories.  I went in for a nap.  Three hours and change later, I forced my way awake.  It was a brutal struggle.  I am still fighting two hours after.  Dizziness returned and remained for about an half hour after waking but is gone.  It is just a heavy grinding weariness that remains.  The bloody nose remained until an hour after waking.

Blood sugar, again without food or insulin today, jumped to 185.  I had a small meal of walnuts and pecans, mixed.  And dosed with insulin.  I am hungry, but food, cooking, and such, just doesn't make sense.  Later.

Fixing sleep.

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Down at 1:20, up at 8:45 or so.  Each night for the last three I have reversed the trend by going to bed an hour or more earlier and waking earlier.  An hour?  Or two.  A change in medication, weather, or temps, and control will probably be lost.  Still, while I can, I will apply control.  It might be a war that can't be won, but individual battles... I will win sometimes, or for a while.

It was 64° upstairs, 68° in the main, 65° up front, and only at 58° outside.  I must admit, I was surprised.  It... is fall weather.  I can't be sure, especially with false temperature reads being perpetuated, and temperature history being altered, but this is more like October than even September.  It's good.  It's also very unseasonable.

Ah, the post, late?  Well, the videos kept flowing.  On and on.  I, even so, only picked a few out of... dozens.  The sensations remained as well.  If both the vids and feelings don't exist, nothing goes out.  As to sadness?  It isn't about that.  Not for me.  What if she and our child lived?  What are the odds we would still be married?  Slim, especially after my fall.  If we were, what would that be like, or mean?  A dry duty bound scarred hunk of faded love?

Anyway, it was put together before bedtime.  It was scheduled.  I was trying not to flood the market.  I may never remember her name, but she is back.  Or, as back as she can be.  Not a replacement for a woman, just with her own place.  A just place in my life.  I don't owe her my life, just a place in it.  Later.

Death proximity.

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I don't think even pseudo tech can intervene.  I do think I am close to death.  I don't believe that means I will die, probably... no luck so far, if past performance issues aren't a guarantee of future failure.  Just...  I am in very bad shape.  And she keeps visiting.  Or, I visit her?

Is that you?

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I have... strange friends.  Something something.  She vistits from time to time, but doesn't always say hi.  I usually get one of these, it's how I... suspect.

It isn't always her, just...  I am not sure if she likes the show, or if it is an accusation.  Both?  I just have to laugh.  She even used him as her avatar.  Had.  To.  Laugh.

And ask.  Is that you, foamy?

Not all of my ghosts are bad.  Good night.

Who... who is there?

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Strange responses.  A few thoughts interspersed.  Payment in full.

Friday?

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Time sure flies when meds and summer have me pegged, pinned, down.  I am comfortable, or as comfortable as possible.  Not bad, really.  Just not able.  I have been rather rough, actually, through back to winter.  But there is bad and there is worse.  While pain wasn't an issue, it too is returning.  Prayer and offering suffering for the positive disposition of souls, plus contemplation on the once and final tree of woe, are what is available.

Blood sugar is 131 fasting.  I ended dosing last night.  Two pork chops and a tiny chicken thigh jacked my blood sugar from 102 to 154.  But why!  Should not have done that.  Hmm?  Oh, a glass of milk too.  Perhaps it wasn't what or how much, but how often I ate?  At least a better start.

I keep making plans, for example to take three doses daily.  The problem is, when blood sugar drops to 83, or even 102, I don't dare dose.  Every time I attempt a plan, something contradicts the plan.  It is much like driving on snow.  Just as soon as you get it going straight, it makes a run for the ditch, other lane, or switching between.  At least boredom isn't an issue.

Ducks are out.  There was a HUGE spider in the door of the pen.  It had built a web that filled the whole front door overnight.  It had stubby little legs, or had them well tucked.  It's body was a fifty cent piece or so.  I didn't kill it but I made it clear, staying wasn't an option.  I like spiders, just not in the way.  This one would absolutely gobble flies from the duck droppings.  I hope it sets up shop a bit more out of the way.

A shower shortly.  Shave too.  Laundry and dishes.  Perhaps one more side yard area watering which gives the ducks an artificial rain.  As I water them at night, I usually give them a shower as well.  They love it, and it cools them off for the night.  I enjoy the critters.  And, to a degree... from a distance... they like me back, or enjoy the rain.

More.

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The cave has been cracked open.  It isn't dropping below 73°, but with fans, fresh air is a good thing.  It was 75° outside when I opened the place up.  I wasn't sure if the cave would warm up.  Still, I figured any heating would dissipate quickly.  It was right at the point when it will cool quickly.

The side yards have been watered.  The front yard is getting it now.  Stange how what is showing distress, up front, is the areas getting the most water.  No cutting is helping as well.  It isn't growing all that much, just enough to mow in a week or two.  Not mowing low helps.  No need for a medium setting.  As high as the deck will go is all needed, probably for the rest of summer.  Only in spring, if particularly wet, does a lower cutting height work.

Headaches, exhaustion, aches... not a great day.  Making it through.  I did end up grilling the pork chops.  And they were actually quite good!  The other pork cut was a shoulder blade, that may be it's problem.  I'll heat one of those and a chicken thigh for supper.

Blood sugar was 178 this morning.  I dosed heavy, then had a fatted tea.  Several hours after that it was 83.  I was already just eating a variety of nuts and a fatted coffee, and didn't feel bad.  Several hours further along and it is only at 102?  Obviously no more insulin.  Below 120~130, depending on what I am eating, I just don't dare dose.

Time to get a bite.  Later.  Might grab a shower and try to crash early.  If possible.
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Meant to be posted last night.

So very tired.

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In part because it seems darker out there.  Haze, clouds, some of each?  After checking while putting the ducks in, definitely both.  Watering again.  Some areas don't need it at all, some areas have gone down hill fast, working on it.  An hour for the back and side, more up front.  Then two to four days off.  More downtime if it rains.

I keep drifting into morning before sleeping.  The last three days to three.  It's the meds?  Mostly.  On them, recently, restarting, opening up the house in a timely fashion hasn't been successful, which makes it too warm to do other things including get to sleep.  Which means I am awake well beyond exhaustion and while overheated.

Tonight it will be done right.  But at 18:30 it is still 77°.  It will be a bit.

Ah-hah.

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Youtube went dead.  Flat.  No music, no changes, became disconnected with feedback loops.  It remains that way.  Then I remembered.  It is China's bitch.

Some of it.

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A shower.  Then plans to buy feed.  Laundry started.  One load in the dryer, one finished washing.  Te one in the dryer would have been done but I tried a fluff run.  Not a chance.  A few things extra, here and there, while trying to find my keys.  Keys?  The little car keys.  I still haven't found them!

I am out of feed.  I called around.  I found feed, I can buy.  Too late for a trip to the feed store.  But a bag of feed.  While I also can't get out for a feed barrel, I can use a new unused larger trash can and contractor bags (no chemicals added).  Actually, if it works, keeps mice out, I may keep it rather than buy new.

Anyway...  I thought the feed was going fast.  Too fast.  Won't happen again, one way or another.  Oh, and mouse tricks and traps soon.  With the ducks low on food, I found a tiny mouse drowned in a water container.  It couldn't have crawled in.  I think the ducks did it.  In the shed, with a bill.  Kewl.

A shower, laundry, meds ordered, cheese and pepperoni baked crackers, meds taken... and a lot of looking for keys.  Gah.  The headache is back with a vengeance.  I won't set up dishes until a second shower tomorrow.  I may shave yet tonight.  And attempt to finish laundry.  As well, the sideyard, closer to the home, is getting watered.  That will be all for tonight, for watering.  I really do have a much better lawn this year.  The best, in spite of my error in not watering until so late.

Oh, yesterday I tried some of the old meat.  The pork was strong and tough, not quite feral hog strong, but it was a challenge.  The beef amazed.  Good, given the cut it was as if fresh!  I will try another cut of pork tonight, chops.  If I can't do that, I'll... surrender for that.  If I will try the pork sausage, mild Italian, might have held up better.

At least I have some meat.  Actually, I will cook that tomorrow.  I'll heat up chicken leftover tonight.  It was quite good, don't wish to waste.  Later.  Or good night.

A new day.

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Still morning, here, barely.  The ducks are out, and out of food.  When I buy food I will also be picking up a trash type can.  Plastic... rubber... might work.  I would rather galvanized.  I'm not sure I believe in non-metal, if even those if not kept dry.  Yea, I'd best get... going.  Especially knowing that starting now means a three hour functional start as is.  It sometimes sucks to be me.

Meds and aspirin first thing.  Morning and afternoon headaches have become dailies as carvedilol is being added.  I've had much worse.  I may end up with much worse.  I have two more dose jumps.  First, the 3.125 mg, which boosts me to over half, probably for a week, then to the other 6.5.  I will be shifting up more quickly.  Even with the headaches, which are relatively mild, and the mild crippling, this medicine start is less painful.  I haven't lost awareness so as to fall off it.  I think it is all the summer sun and warmth.  This is harsh in the winter.

No good reason to check bp.  Then again, getting in practice wouldn't be a bad thing.  BP will be from terrible to horrible until I get back to dose and maintain it for a while.  I may even, at my next visit, double the small lower dose pill.  Between diminishing returns and the limits of my capacity to take this med... it may be as good as I can get, without a boost.

I got up in a hurry, when I  saw the time.  Couldn't remember if I had closed up the downstairs.  It got to at least 88° F (31.1 C) yesterday, if dipping to at least 48° F (~ 8.9 C) last night.  So summer is neither dead nor toothless, even if splendidly cooler around certain corners.  Thankfully it was all buttoned up.  A pleasant 71°.  Upstairs, just on fan mode, on one machine, and another fan, it was 68°.  Perfect for sleep.

The electric company billed at about $87?  Given ac, two of them for most or all of that billing time actually, plus three to four fans much of the time, on top of regular use?  Excellent.  I believe I have cut, over my last system configuration.  Now that I have settings, systems, and rigging down, I'll bet I can shave another twenty off a month.  Well, and that is more double, triple, or more than my typical bill... at least now that, when awake at night, I don't leave every light on.  :P

Yea, I best get... going.  I will start a load of laundry.  By the time it goes into the dryer... given it's "high efficiency" (lazy) nature, which means wash cycles take one and an half to two and an half hours...  I should be ready to shower, and start a load of whites.  *sigh*  Still, it is much gentler on the clothes.  That... is the real advantage.  It is taking twenty washes before aging is noticed, or more, versus five to seven.  By the time I notice aging, a standard washer would have killed the shirt, even jeans.  More so if I remember to turn them inside out.  Later.

Dark days.

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They mean  it.  They are pushing for it.  We will get it if better minds fail.

Another day.

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Blood sugar is 136 fasting.  Not perfect, not improving quickly, better than 450, even 225.  I am experimenting with new foods... pepperoni and cheese chips.  Little piles of cheese, or pepperoni coins, baked in the oven for fifteen to twenty five minutes.  Tasty, if I don't think you would want to eat very much.  It vastly improves cheap pepperonis.  Oh, and putting them together, like a mini pizza, is fantastic.  Hmm, I'm thinking mushroom topping too!

Medicine is down.  Going on six days without a miss.  I need to call the V.A. for more of everything.  And to check on their filing with social security.  Insulin is working better, as a regular dose medicine, regardless if I eat or not.  Otherwise I don't eat and blood sugar still goes up.  I must assume there is a lot of sugar simply stored in both protein... muscles... and fat.  Or it is stored in some of it.  As a squirrel seeks nuts, the brain of my metabolism seeks the sweets stored.  Which is why, after years of keto, I am still insulin resistant?  It is my suspicion.

Ducks are out, their pool is filling.  It is already... 86°.  Oh, noon?  I had thought it was ten, still.  Time sure flies sometimes.  A shower shortly.  Laundry... I didn't start it, but everything is back and ready to wash.  Dishes can be started after that.  Not all that many dishes, but a lot of jars.  I purchased stuff made specifically for jars.  Hard to get fat out... from high fat cream and milk.  Work, I need to get going.  The thing is, if I heat up it will be very difficult to cool off.  So working at a slower pace is wise.

Oh, the chicken was very good.  At only six months, that was expected.  I have older pork and much older beef thawed.  I will grill more later.  I actually prefer to grill meat to be reheated.  It works much better.  And with more to cook, it works out.  Having small portions of several meats is also better than having a single larger meat main dish.  Later.

A few projects.

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Grass is getting watered.  No need to mow.  The ducks have put up.  I finally got into the drop-in freezer, the big one.  The little one isn't in use currently.  Ice chipping, inventory taking, and pulling some meat to thaw.  So hungry, I just couldn't get to it.  Some of it is really old, some of it is fresh.  Fresher.  I'll know how bad or good it is shortly.  Some of what is thawing is the oldest stuff.

I had chicken thighs from mid-winter, February if I had to bet.  It is on a fast thaw.  I am so terribly hungry.  Chia and fatted drinks, even eggs, are only edible without meat tossed in for just so long.  I couldn't eat more.  I am hoping most or all of the meat is... at least good enough.  If not, a couple slabs of chuck roast soon.

I will attempt a few more things, then to get to bed earlier.  More work tomorrow, and business.  Blood sugar is okay.  It was 135 fasting, 106 a bit ago.  No food yet, but a dose.  Three a day, 10 cc's normal, 15 cc's or more with meals, depending on the meal... but trying to keep it at 15 cc's max.  Watching what I eat.  Later.

Thoughts of echoes.

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As to the request?  Fine!  Save one more sentence.

Able to track.

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For the first time in a week give or take I was able to remember bedtime and check and keep the time I woke in my mind, roughly, within an half hour for bedtime, truer on waking.  I have been curious about sleep and wakefulness patterns.  Going by yesterday and last night, Sleep seems regular.  I believe sleep has been similar mostly lately, so between seven and nine hours.  It is my awake time that has been stretching.

Knowing is a start to fixing.  It is a medicine thing too though, so there isn't a lot I can do, save be patient.  But becoming able to track is a good start, even if it can't be used.  Awareness is always the beginning.  I have gone through years without awareness.  Sleeping for weeks, months.  It is good to begin knowing.

I'll get the trash barrel in when the ducks go away.  A shower and shave first.  Set up dishes. A small batch, and start laundry.  Actually, I will start laundry right after this.  I wash all save whites on cool or cold, so it shouldn't interfere with a shower should I go faster than anticipated.  Yes, a start.  I am almost sure.  Oh, best feed the cats.  Getting growly.

I might be able to hit it this week.  Later.

Trash is out.

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Recycling too.  Only one small bag of that, so it didn't go to the curb with the trash, which was stuffed.  It's 7:00, and I am just getting to bed.  So tired.  Took forever, and had to push through.  So tired the whole time.  Currently I am always exhausted, if I can't always sleep.

Good morning and night.

Everything is a bit off.

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Starting medicine has side effects.  Doing it in high summer doubles the effects.  Going with a lower dose helps.  That it is cool helps.  Somehow I completely lost track of days and nights.  I am not sure if I have slept too much or too little, stayed awake too long or short, and or any combinations of those.

On the good side, if by pushing things once, I have kept up on medicine, of both sorts.  Blood sugar is 130 average for the week, with 130s to 150s being common fasting reads.  I have made a change.  Since consumption is down, I am adding 10 cc doses in there.  I am trying to dose three times a day, taking reads several hours after each dose, skipping if it is too low.

I wanted to get to bed hours ago.  The thing is I want to get trash and recycling out.  The problem with that is my butt seems glued to my seat!  I think it will get done, in a bit.  Aspirin might help.  Headaches go with starting medicine.  As does insomnia, extra dysfunction, and foggy thinking.  I'll... see about it.

It was 64°, I think, last I checked.  I forgot to open up, so it is still 73°  in the main, 75°up front.  I am in such a pickle I wouldn't know if I was on fire.  I just opened it all up, it should cool swiftly.  A shower too, tonight.  I really enjoy those.  I... a bit of music to get going.  Later.

Somebody knew where to look.

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It almost startles me.  Sometimes it takes a day or three, or not.

After clarifying, back to the regularly scheduled programming.  The video feed was shut off, again, for a while.  Then it went live again.  I could see her outline.