On the other hand, liberals aren't even liberal.

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Just... sharing a tiny bit more at a time.  It is all some can take and I am busy.

One major point of contention.  America, at least in the past, did not become great because of a love of money.  It became great because it believed people should be free to create, and use, wealth.  A belief that was based on a faith  that God gave us laws and rights, things the state should not interfere, hinder, or attempt to end.  Fundamentally, America was great because of, and through, Christian beliefs and the employment of those truths.  Not a love of money.  I'll give him some cover, that he was speaking about mundane economics, and not digging all the way through.  For now.  I have a brother who calls himself a conservative, when in truth all he believes in is money, and probably power.  The love of these things, without understanding there is spirit, soul, God, is... just as empty as the other side... which he came from.  Yes, I told him so.  And, no, this isn't about you, mm.

I am still considering whether I am, exactly, liberal.  In the sense brought up in the clip.  Yes, of course, but...  No less, or more, than the founding fathers had to consider, if much more than most even think to ponder.  Liberty does have a place, but how responsibility, restraint, and how those and some other things tie into a cohesive civil reality, and should or should not be enforced, is... Well, it's complicated.  Don't let sound-bites or emotions fool you into believing you can honestly pursue those truths.  Grow up, thinking about what you owe and what you deserve, on both sides of the coin... what of that is personal, what of it is social.  Mix in God, mundane realities, and what really seems to work and not work.  By the time you die, it is hoped, you might understand that you can't know.  If you don't have faith, you have nowhere to go but down.


Later.

Hmm? That's... not right.

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I was just checking my blog stats at blogger.  I have nine pageviews that are showing (for between the last hour, or two... all give or take as it's not set up to make perfect sense easily).  Well, okay.  What about sources?  Only one source?  Fair enough, perhaps someone is just doing a lot of looking.  Alright, what about the audience?  Okay, five US, three Russian, and one Canadian... Five Safari, three FireFox, and one Chrome...  Seems to jive with nationality, if I think some that is jimmied (visiting through a foreign source, for example, or deliberate tracking hijinks, but...  As I have explained, actual foreign doesn't show up here... never mind just... trust)...  And... five iphone, four windows.  Okay, seems to check.  But one source?  Yeah, well...  I don't even think they are trying to put anything like real numbers up.  It sort of reminds me of those temporary decals manufacturers place on some devices that pretend to show them functioning, but... aren't really showing anything.

I don't care.  It is simply that I have been trying to make some sense of the stats, once in a while.  Every time I look, I see things that just aren't so.  This area, that stat compared to this one, and so on.  Then again, the so-called respectable stat counters are no better, none of them even correlating with each other.  All stats are dog and pony shows.  So, when you see a sight that has too many hits, and you can't figure out why?  Be very suspicious.  Between government, leftist corporate, and personal influences... those numbers don't mean jack.  Some numbers I am more inclined, through other evidence such as comments, to believe.  Some?  Not so much, at all.  Just don't worry about numbers.  They are all fiction, or potentially, at this point.  It's a way of leading the herd off the cliff.  I think too many are waking up, and really screwing with their algorithms though.  Evil really isn't good at this stuff, and people are losing their fear of threats, because they know that murder is preferable to torture then murder.  Evil just isn't able to herd them through now.  But it does keep trying.

Later.

Dreams can just be... funny.

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I won't say the dream last night was funny.  There are aspects of it, in retrospect, that to me, have humorous merit.  In the dream, I was Spock.  Not literally or figuratively Spock, but that is how I was seen by others.  Somehow, myself and a companion... who appeared as Kirk, traveled back to the 1960's, when the shows were popular, but as if they had never aired.  And, yet, perhaps from books, myself and and my companion were recognized as being the fictional characters.  Perhaps from fan-fic art, or book advertising, or... something.  However, it was taken... not that we were actors, but somehow that we were the real...  McCoys.  Ha.

Now, we knew we weren't.  We weren't trying to be, either.  Neither did we dress as such, nor try to be in character.  We were sent back to check on something, perhaps change a mistake that had been made.  My logical mind kept thinking that, if we were trying to change the past, perhaps being public figures, and open about it, wasn't the best tack.  My mind varied with the dream.  Still, as I have mentioned, even if I think something is a stinker in my dreams, so long as it doesn't morally offend, I generally let it go.  Just to see where it is headed.  Curiosity.  So it was.

We ended up in a small town.  Utah, Iowa, makes little difference.  I was seen as cold, calculating, but with a good will... generally.  I was also seen as alien and problematic, socially.  In truth, while it bugged me to see it so raw, I think that is very possibly true, today, and for most of my life.  A little different, a bit odd, stronger than what would seem natural, with an odd set to how my mind works.  Sure, I am not extremely strong today, but for someone who could be on the heart transplant list, I am Olympian...  you have to work in the givens, mind you.  Some other things, in the dream, too.  Fair enough, if, as I mentioned, a bit off-putting.  My friend was seen as charming and wise.  Bastard.  Still, whoever it was, we were friends, and did have obviously different tacts and methods.  Why do I always have to be the brunette amongst blondes, even on the male side of things?  :p  Hmm, I wonder if Kirk was also a side of me, one which just doesn't get majority play?  Dunno, but possible.

I can't remember what we were to do, though I think we did it and then returned to our time... now really.  No, I didn't have pointy ears... or eye shadow.  Certainly not red eye shadow, green mascara.  Bleh.  I don't know.  It was just a funny trip into the oddities of the mind, the past, small town life I know and love, science fiction in the dream and from real life, a veritable mix of strange and common known elements, and perhaps various elements of myself.  Entertained, and tickled a bit about some things, though not completely without some realizations and frustrations... and a nose tweak at some truths.  *bent out of shape just a wee*  All good.  A perfect Halloween treat, all in all.

Later.

How does she do that!?!

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Something is happening.

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Not sure.  I really am feeling much better, stronger, ready.  Not for war, not for running to the hills, not for taking on evil, just... better.  I did get out today.  A little later, of course, having waken at about the time I was roughly scheduled to be heading to town.  Still, with no more than a cup of coffee and a shower, I was able to get going in spite of working yesterday.  I am a bit sore, stiff, though I don't think it was from work.  Just one of those things.  The pains aren't in the right places for the work done.  Maybe staying up too late caused me to sleep too hard.  Who knows.  Even so, that doesn't dampen the sense of being well.

We got our haircuts, headed for dinner.  No shopping, since I got enough last night for a while.  He has an item he is looking to buy.  I told him I would look online, to see what I could find.  He may, or may not, do that himself.  I think the internet is still a bit of a mystery, and a strain, for him.  No worries, it takes time.  And, as I have suggested, we have the rest of our lives to work at things.  Which, by the way, is every bit as true as it is useful.  Well... it might help when nothing else is helping?  The mind is a terribly interesting thing, hope is a powerful tool, and... Yeah.

No work when I got home.  Too full, and tired.  Today didn't wear me out.  Yesterday did.  Messing with the schedule, lawn work, and such.  Actually, this has been a busier week in ways that may not be apparent.  I have been either doing, or pushing and pulling to get in gear, most of this week.  I don't write down every effort, every success, or all failures.  Failures can be just as taxing as successes, in the right, or wrong, state of being.  Doing nothing, as a car with it's accelerator jammed to the floor, but blocked from moving...  That sort of thing.

I am hoping to get to more lawn work tomorrow.  The wood that can be piled, the chairs and table, then, maybe, figuring out how best to cut the longer remaining branches.  It is difficult to justify starting up the chainsaw for twigs.  Actually, it is impossible to justify.  But an ax?  I have trimmers/clippers that might work for some of it.  I just, honestly, don't know what would be best for that task.  I've never done such a task before.  Seems easy, or a simple notion, to the experienced.  But is it?  Or do they just do what they do as they are running out of energy, on the last of the work, without thinking about it?  Dunno...  I'll... be thinking of it.

Another dream, last night.  A naked woman, out in front of me.  No, not what you are thinking.  She was not clothed, but not as an enticement, or a personal or shared shame, or in a deliberate willful disregard.  She was properly shameless in just existing as she was.  I did look with some lust, hunger.  But then I was shamed.  I was allowed to see her as God sees her, and saw how petty my thoughts were and how truly beautiful she was.  It is a dream from another time in my existence, when I was just learning.  Back then, it was a difficult dream.  Now... a very good one.  I have distanced myself from pure lust.  Desire remains, but it is much tempered, and right.  I wonder if God decided to gift me, in a way.  A pat on the back for tendering, in the other dream, but not as a servant... as a... man.  A reminder of how far I have come, mostly.  Dunno, but it was a very fine dream.  I wish you could see women, and men, as God does.  Yes, it would change... much.

Well... on to... I dunno...  Something.  Later.  Good night.  I dunno!

Way off.

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I was desperately hungry last night.  I could not do the work, here at home, to make ready, then cook a meal.  It wasn't even the amount of work, it was a lack of heart.  So a trip to town, but very late.  Even after demolishing a large meal, I was still so very hungry.  My body was full, so it wasn't just a food thing.  I don't know what that is, but it's... something I keep an eye on.  Not, purely, a fear.  A curiosity too.  No, I don't know what that is.  Terrible, fearful, voracious, but it hasn't lead me to bad places.  It actually, usually, leads me to better places, but at a personal price.  It does need to be tended, respected, and fed... if smaller bites are best.  It took some long time to make it to bed after that though.  Waking quite late wasn't an option this time.

My friend called shortly after noon, right as I was waking.  Yes, no, soon.  Give me time to choke down some coffee, says I.  But, yes, I will make it to town.  And early enough for us to get a new 'do'.  Haircut, that is.  I think he is going down to the nub.  Me?  Not a chance.  Not with winter closing.  I want to get out.  Longer hair helps that.  My hair is as thin as... baby hair or something.  There are advantages and disadvantages to that.  I certainly need more of it in the winter.  I'll go back to a mohawk next summer, if I can get out, and remember.  A mohawk is sort of the best of both worlds in warmer climbs.  I have some hair, for highly air conditioned places, some scalp to keep the sun from directly touching my top brainpan, but enough side venting to maintain cool.  It's not a style, it's a system.  Let him go Roman.  I was never Roman, save when it was a sacrifice.

One of the folk I know believes, somehow, in Romans... while not abiding any of their norms.  Beard and longer hair, at least by Roman norms, he is a lover of the state.  I simply think he is mixed up.  I don't know where his boots lead, but I do know he is confused about ally and enemy, counting both as each, I think.  As I said, I was only ever Roman in a temporary alliance.  I don't see America as Roman.  I see it, actually, as anti-Roman.  Roman, in this usage, being the old secular notion of statism.  America was built, and based, on the individual.  Eventually coming to some notion of common civil and social norms, much of which have been eroded in order to create a new Rome, albeit.  We are at the crux of the last choices, perhaps beyond.

I don't seem to be sore from work yesterday.  And I never did take the painkillers.  Work was my painkiller.  It worked, and will until the pain from that surfaces.  Sometimes it does, sometimes my body covers for it.  Not an issue today.  And, maybe, this evening or tomorrow, I will do some more work.  Getting forty pound chairs up into a garage overhead is a bit of a trick, stomping up and down stairs a half a dozen times under load can test, and organizing... Okay, that last is the one that really hurts.  Instant confusion.  This is where women can help.  Some women.  I have a way with women.  My... weakness in this area draws out something in them.  For them it's a trap.  For me it's just a natural way.  Accidental but useful?  Actually for both of us.

Hmm...  I best... get some coffee in me.  Not sure if I have to make a pot first.  No matter...  I am a coffee zombie...  Thankfully, I haven't quite gotten to the point where I crave even the grounds!  No worries about the rest of this post.  Morning birdsong.  *chirp*  Later.

Hungry as a bear.

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I keep creating posts, then pulling them, or in this case not posting.  How to say what is to be said?

Imagine you are a bug that can live on relatively deep water.  You are doing just that.  Something changes, however.  The water begins to move and swirl in ways unknown to you.  It is beyond your literal experience.  You don't quite have the strength to fully resist, but you have some ability to maintain control... for a while.  You don't know how long the changes will last.  You know nothing.  You are a water bug on top of the water in a tub, and the drain plug has been pulled.  Should you resist, as long as you can.  Should you go with the water, saving your strength for survival or escape at some other crucial point.  Does it matter?  You don't, and can't, know.  As with seeing, and writing, tone, and direction, I simply don't know.  I feel compelled to spill the beans.  So, for the most part, I will.  I just don't always have to like it.  Pretty brutal.  Don't go if you can't handle... darker things.  -From yesterday night. ~ The Management.

Oh, right.  I reordered the time and date to properly reflect when this post would have, perhaps should have, gone to print.

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I just couldn't get it together well enough to cook.  Which would have required a few other tasks, beside cooking.  No heart for it.  A shower and a trip to town.  A little shopping while I was there.  Food doesn't taste all that good, but the hunger remains, even after eating.  Oh well.  It's late, but not so late that tomorrow will necessarily be off.  I'll be to bed shortly, and set the alarm, plus keep the phone close enough to hear but not too close.  Oh, and some musical thoughts from the evening.

Lawn hoses and more.

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I'll tell you, wrangling seven or eight hoses, starting at 50 feet, two of them being heavier 100 foot lines, half of them solid rubber construction type, is a bit of a feet.  If it don't wind you, you probably aren't breathing correctly.  All of them are up, coiled, and in.  While I was at it, I noticed that the branch cuttings were still out there.  The last time I went to do that, the wheelbarrow was full of water.  I emptied it, then leaned it to dry out.  Sure enough, it was well and truly dry, so...  I got to it.  Just one load, but it is a big wheelbarrow and I stuffed it pretty full.  I left it, halfway through the hoses, but did get back to empty the wheelbarrow, and tip it so that it stays dry.  Hopefully another run of that before long.  There are branches, more the twigs, which are too long to stack, that I will still need to figure out.  An axe?  Too thin, really, for the saw, mostly. I don't know.  But I can get the rest of the shorter lengths piled in and over.

I wasn't sure about the hoses, so wondered if I had completely lost my mind when I started messing with the wood.  Sometimes the body just does as it likes, just as in this case.  It usually proves me wrong.  I don't fully understand what my body can do.  It doesn't know a whole lot about me, either.  Yeah, yeah, but it is the way of it.  That work will either make tomorrow work out or crash it.  I'm betting on it priming the pump, we'll see.  Then again, tomorrow is planned as light.  A haircut, lunch, and a bit of shopping.  Nothing fancy, or time or energy intensive.  Yeah, I'll get there.

It's lovely to break a sweat.  I just wish I could maintain it.  I did resist a break in about the middle of messing with the wood.  That would have been the end of it.  I resisted the temptation, when all but two hoses were left to roll and put up.  After that, it was all resistance.  I wasn't sure I would get it all done.  Though I suspect that is all there is.  I'll take it.  The next major effort, outside, will be getting the chairs and tables sorted and stored.  It's a much smaller job, but entails a few things in a hallway, too, and stairs.  Perhaps a ladder and some overhead lifting and placing.  Compared to today, though, it will be about half the effort.  Then I need to finish with the hallways and bathroom, then sweep and mop.  I'm getting there, if it seems more haphazard than I thought.  It all needs done though, and with the same weather limits.  Bleh.

Oh, right.  I'll be calling to see if steaks are good.  I don't know how that call will work out.  It's been on my mind, as well as a few other things.  Gah!  I can sure be slow about some things.  I'll... get to them... if I can...  I seem to be living long enough, just not energetic enough!  Later.

Good to get a phone call.

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My friend buzzed.  I must admit, I did think about not answering.  Not because it was him.  Sometimes when the phone rings, and I am feeling a bit awful, I just don't answer.  If I don't recognize the number, more so.  I am borderline awful, and my more... civil aspect... decided to answer before my obstructionist, or ill, side could let the call pass.  A haircut, today, was the request.  I want to go, and need a haircut too, but not today.  It's good to be strong enough to admit one is weak.  And, so, I did.  Not today.  How about tomorrow though?  What will be the honest difference between today and tomorrow, I thought, even while carrying on the discussion?  Ah... running start.  Yes, I need that sometimes.  Give me a running start, and a goal... chances improve.  The only thing that can get me off the line before the whistle finishes is mortal combat.  No one ever offers that anymore.  Old and slow, probably not considered much of a challenge anyway, rightly or wrongly.  :)

So... tomorrow... out and about.  A haircut, I wanted to check on their price for conditioner too, lunch, and a bit of shopping.  Hmm... to get up to speed, I might try a bit more force to push into getting things put up for the year as well.  Nothing is, yet, firing well or correctly.  The engine seems flooded, a couple of the cylinders aren't firing right, the battery is too weak to offer many cold starts so I either need to charge it or get the engine idling and get a run going to use the alternator... if it's working.  Yeah, I know a little about vehicles, if not so much the newfangled things.  A little dip into hands on, with someone who does, might help.  Then again, much of it, or so I have heard, is simply black box anyway.  There is still some real mechanical in there.  Anyway...  Yeah, I'll push to get the old jalopy of a body going.  Who knows, once started the thing can purr and run like a top.  For a while.

I finally got some coffee going and am filling up.  Water, in the early morning.  I didn't thing that would help, water first, coffee later.  I won't say it helps, but I will say it isn't hurting, so...  I'll just let the experiment cook for a while.  More water, throughout the day, too.  It really isn't altering anything, so dehydration wasn't one of the problems.  Yeah... I do checks, blind checks, and screwy-louies once in a while, just...  Well, look... hope is nice, but useless without some efforts to bolster it.  Don't pray for God to save you, pray for God to be with you as you find the strength He already gave you to save yourself.  You will be amazed what the two of you can do together.  Don't think I don't try, or just lean on Him.  He's... not that kind of Father.  And I am not that kind of child.  I don't even always agree with Him, if I also already know... it's my bad.

Bah!  Best get some coffee... oh, and some painkillers... down.  Then figure out how to lump my hump to something.  Boogers but it's hard some days.  Later.

Sleep came earlier.

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That didn't help.  I was not able to wake until later anyway.  I'll keep pushing and pulling, win lose or draw.

The lawn hoses, chairs, and table are my first priority, and will remain so until either they are covered by snow or properly stowed.  I'll keep the dishes and laundry in mind.  The laundry just needs a bit of a spin.  Though if too wrinkled, maybe another wash.  Boxes need to be flattened and moved to the garage, in which order though, I'll figure out when I get to that point.

I am tired today, and sore.  It doesn't really make sense.  I'm not sore in the right places for it to be a holdover from bringing lines in.  Probably organ irregularity, blood flow, that sort of thing.  It isn't severe, it won't keep me from doing the little bits I might get to.  It's just a general whole body sensation, as if I somehow bruised most of my major muscle groups lightly, or a half a week ago.  It reminds me of the week after the first week of full contact football practice.  Actually, I may take anicin.  That stuff seems to really help.  I am just cautious with it.  No more than once a day, and no more often then three days in a row.  If it still hurts, it's much better to suffer.  This pain isn't that bad in any spot, it's just that it's pretty much everywhere.  Yeah, yeah, complain and gripe.

It seems to really be chilling out there.  All good.  This is entering my season.  Actually, it's well into it.  Fall to spring is what my body prefers.  Though summer is good, for the change and a reset.  With an air conditioner, summer is more reasonable, too.  When my friend and I went shooting, we did take a little trip up into the unknown.  Probably slightly up into Idaho.  Ended up on a very harsh road.  Regular vehicles wouldn't have made it through.  We also took a couple of very steep angles bypassing huge holes in the road!  I have just enough experience that I wasn't too worried.  Still, that was getting close to the edge of my vehicle's capacity at that kind of tilt.  It was an interesting trip.  I did get to see some of the last of the leaves, most in that valley were a lighter orange to an exceptionally bright yellow.

Well?  I need to wake first.  Perhaps anicin will help, though I don't think pain is the problem.  Sometimes pain helps.  It depends on what exactly the problem is, but like with a vehicle whose cylinders, carburetor, timing, and some other things, can all be off, and not being a mechanic, if it stops... trying to check all the variables and possibilities is just not in my skill set.  So treatment isn't always possible.  Toss in a fever, chills, exhaustion, body aches, or combinations of those, and the task is beyond the 'driver' sometimes.  No spare parts, either.  Just... tear down and tinker.  The thing will probably work soon, regardless of what I do, then stop again shortly after.  You can't really fix a clunker, just use it when it works.

Bah!  Coffee is brewing, I'll take something for the aches, I've turned the heat up just a bit, I may get a shower in before anything else, then I'll see what I can do.  Later.

No such thing as liberal or conservative?

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Seriously?  Here is a man explaining one subsection of the differences.  Yes, there is a difference.  Anyone who is trying to say there isn't a difference is a liar, bold faced liar.



While I deny that the Republican party is conservative is another thing.  If truth is relative, then the party can be compared as more conservative.  If relativism is considered fiction, as I do, then being less liberal does not make a party conservative.  Mike Lee, Cruz, even Rand Paul, and few others, I consider conservative within American politics.  Not the party.  Not most politicians in that party.  Not even a majority of politicians in the party, certainly not in the leadership.

If you are Catholic, and believe in the truth the church has been teaching about the family, homosexuality, or just agree with the family and that homosexuality is a sin, and want to track what is going on in the Catholic church, this guy is a pretty solid in-house reporter.  He hasn't been pulling punches.  He does a better job than I do, and has an inside track. 

I thought there was some understanding.

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Questions of suicide?  From the other day?  No.  Nor is there any plan of violence.  Only an understanding that it is coming.  I would rather not have to go through what may be coming.  It won't be easy and life is already difficult for me.  I don't want to see the suffering that is about to be inflicted, potentially, if my visions are correct.  One might even suggest I am angry about it, since much of it will have been engineered.  Whether from poor engineering or with intent, people will have to decide for themselves.  That beast inside, about which I write?  That will be invoked just to draw up enough effort to survive.

Bad things will happen to bad people.  Bad things will happen to good people.  Bad people will hurt good people and good people will hurt bad people.  But good people will make mistakes and hurt other good people.  And bad people don't have alliances, only daily booty counts and risk assessments regarding who they run with, or kill.  Disease, disputed rule, tribalism, hunger... maybe worse.  I see, clearly, what is coming.

In practical, modern, terms, I am an older, terminally ill, man.  Alone.  Foreign even.  Getting water, should city water end, will be a major effort.  Food?  After stores run out?  What do I have to offer?  Just in practical terms, a serious downturn...  Well...  On the other hand, I have gone without food and water, due to health, for more time than some say can be survived.  I have lived on less, endured the boredom of incapacity and lack of connection.  While that isn't storm proof, it is... something.  So many are so hooked into the world through electronic connection, that if that ends, madness will ensue.  Toss in starvation and...

No, I don't want to see it.  I am not interested in hurting myself, however.  I truly made a deal with God.  At first, as I have suggested, it was just... a duty.  It was grinding effort and required much sacrifice and serious intent.  I kept my bargain.  After those early years, something changed in me.  I could no longer consider ending my life than I could, without absolute and true reason, consider hurting someone else.  Less so, actually, since I can't threaten myself while others can, as odd as that notion is considering all else written.  I can only engage a threat, and that as a last option unless others options aren't available or other people cannot get out of the way, while I might be able to do something.

As well...  Having literally died three times, living with a health issue that should have been fatal decades ago, and having come so close to death so many other times...  Well... it may or may not mean I have a purpose here.  It just seems that way.  I keep wondering what that purpose might be.  I may never know any truth of any of that until after I am no longer alive.

It seems I am no more understood now than ever.  And that was always tenuous, even among brothers of a very special sort.  Ah well...  Still, clearing some air.  As I am able.

No work today.  Too tired.  I am not sore, or such.  I simply couldn't kick a leg, then the other, and keep them going.  Tomorrow, I hope, the hoses, chairs, and table, can be put up.  And maybe a bit more.  For now, it is getting very close to bedtime.  Good night, I guess.

Ah, right, the dream.

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I had to wake up before writing this out.  I remember the dream, as I might having seen a flash of lightning so closely that it burned into my eyes and mind.  As if I felt the heat and power of it.  But, being as powerful as that, I needed to sort some things.  I am still sorting, but...  As being in an area struck by an major earthquake.  One first has to find physical and emotional footing, and reassurances, before doing anything else.  Some suggest...  "just run to safety", or "get out", or such.  They don't understand not having footing, or a way to obtain it.  Sometimes there is simply no choice.

What I heard... received... was that death was not what was preferred.  I asked, and debated the death penalty.  That wasn't the issue, if there was something there.  Something uncomfortable to my beliefs, if not fully contrary.  I asked about war.  Again, not the topic.  It was personal.  A guidance.  I don't fully understand.  I know what I write here.  I choose, when able, to see it as... a thing of fable.  Stories, if with intent and meaning, and some deeper personal meaning, and truths.  I choose to obscure the latter two into the rest, blurring lines and edges, for a number of reasons.

This... dream.  It wasn't an order.  It was advice... it was... guidance... it was... a holy recommendation.  It was also horrifying and terrifying.  A bequest, by God?  Not a command?  Not a demand?  A mere, if heartfelt, request?

Look, don't look at me.  Call it a dream, and write it off.  I will, save... if I find where mercy may be spared, it will be.  Perhaps a bit more, if I can.  I just don't see where such things would be in my hands.  And I do know there will yet be some, perhaps much, death.  A little less... might be possible, if the algorithm is... tweaked.  Never mind.  That, my friends, is a dream that still has me quivering in my boots as jello dropped from on high.  So be it.  Loving advice, a humble request, a blessed suggestion...  I will take and own it, as I may.  But I have to let it be as just a dream, too.  I'm not that strong.  I don't believe... in myself, even with what I have seen.  It must be another.  Never mind... again.

Sleep is still variable.

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I was awake late, and woke late.  Neither was terribly so, and within reasonable parameters given one another.  I had hoped the bit of work yesterday would help with that.  No worries, today is another opportunity.  I am hoping to do a bit more work today.

Lawn hoses need to be coiled and brought in.  As well, I have a few chairs, and a table, which need to be put up.  Some of the chairs will come in.  Some, and the table...  I am hoping to find a place for them in the garage.  Up, if I can make that happen.  Then, dishes and laundry are still in the hoped mix.  Nothing fancy.  Given my condition, it will be tricky to get it all done.  The hall and bathroom, and box take-down, then sweeping and mopping, are still on the menu, but these others are weather priorities.  Time is short for snow, perhaps.

Hope is a... vision... or a concept.  It doesn't have to be fulfilled, or today.  It only has to be held, and in truth.  Some hopes are more sure, if seemingly much more distant.  Some hopes are for their own sake, to allow that next step, and the one to follow, only leading forward, without the necessity of the truth of an arrival.  It is the path that is required, not the destination.  Even for the long sure hope, it will be through the blood of Another that I will see that.  Crushing as that once was, the humility of it finally became enough of a grace that even a monster could see.  So, hope is kept in my pockets, used when at the ticket stand, but never lost somehow, or given away even when used as barter.  A fair trade still.  As with love of the real kind.

Hup...  I best get to it.  Or, well, at least finish waking.  I'll write, later, about a dream.  Those things can bug me.  But hearing from God... sort of gets my attention, even... or especially... when I take issue.  Yeah, no.  I know.  I know!  Just... Well, that is for later.  I have some things about that to dig through.  Later.

Questions, many.

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Answers?  A few.  Enough, perhaps.

Evil.  I have heard it whispered.  If all were equal, every side justified, and no greater truth to be had, then of course.  To some.  Half, maybe more, probably more.  Powerfully.  But that is not how the world was made, it is not of the forces through which it was made, that is not how it exists.

The lines and supply device is in.

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Taking the watering system out was more work than I expected, as usual.  Work seems to simple.  You just do this, that, this, and... that.  Repeat as necessary.  Then stop when it is all done.  Left out of the equation is all the bending, stooping, and coiling.  Coiling a twenty to twenty five foot of half inch water line sounds easy.  A single one is easy.  But first you have to clear the weeds and plants.  Then you have to pull it all into a coil, mud and all.  Finally you have to hold it together while you tape the coil in place.  Still, one is easy.  It is almost enjoyable.  At four it starts to feel more like work.  Especially when a hatchet is needed to deal with weed carcasses.  By eight, there is sweat.  After ten or twelve it simply loses all charm.  Thankfully I wasn't in it for the charm.  I just wanted the piping drained and up.  Which I did get.

As to dishes, laundry, and more dishes, that I can't say.  I am still hoping.  Perhaps after a bit of a rest I might hit some portion of that.  Probably not all of it.  Maybe not any of it.  It's a goal.  The next major task is to get the lawn hoses wound and in.  I have wire wraps, though I am not sure what I have is strong enough.  It would be nice, this year, to secure the coils.  Last year they were underfoot, and loose, all winter.  I do not wish to repeat that.  Maybe zip-ties, if I can find some...  Hmm... I'll bet the electrical kit has a bunch of them.  I thought I bought others as well.

I should sleep well, perhaps early, tonight.  I'll call off any attempts at work after 20:00.  Adding effort onto effort, even as lame as it is, after a certain time, doesn't help me get to bed.  I have to drive the nail home for that.  I don't have what it takes for that at the moment, and that isn't good for sleep either.  It's decent in the long run.  Something about heavy doses of misery used to help keep me in line, at least until health took that over, and into overdrive.  Thirsty, tired, overworked, underfed, and with excruciating demands, with possible wounds...  That, my friends, was heaven.  It's just that the heart, and maybe age, have taken large chunks out of my ability to maintain in that realm.  Misery on autopilot.  Yum!  Well... in the theoretical or philosophical side of things.  Not so great for the practical aspects of life.  Whatever.  Take what you can get.  We are all beggars, I can't be a chooser.  Mostly.

Later.

I'll get to it.

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Couldn't move today.  Not sore, not tired, not grumpy, I simply had no energy.  I just got a shower in.  I am hoping to dry quickly enough to get the water system taken down and stowed.  After that, perhaps finish the few dishes that are setting in a rinse, finish drying the laundry, and maybe start another load of dishes.  Cleaning the kitchen table off a bit, organizing in the process... kitty litter change-out...  sweeping, and maybe mopping...  and a few other odds and ends are sort of on the menu.

It hasn't been rough, it has merely been empty.  That in itself is an improvement.  It may not allow for much planning, but it doesn't interfere with prospects if a light breeze catches the sails.  I really do get the drift, regarding the old true sailing ships.  The dread of hurricane winds and doldrums alike.  A solid wind is nice, but easy to simply take for granted.  Until it is gone.  I must, in spirit and thought, perhaps bodily if not quite directly, perpetually sail Cape Horn.  I live in the maelstrom.  On the good side, I am more comfortable there.  It's the doldrums that shake my timbers.

I seem to be on a minor tilt, however.  I will ride what little sail I can gather from it.  I can't even steer, exactly, having to tack off course just to move.  But moving is better than not.  We do what we must.  If I can get the waterworks down and in, the last of the dishes done, the laundry finalized for now, and put in another load of dishes to a hot soak, I will be quite pleased.  Yes, that would do nicely.  And it is possible.  Not probable, but reasonably likely.  Does someone have a spare shove? 

Later.

It's not about control.

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It's simply health.  Health is something I cannot control.  It comes and goes.  I know that, but it doesn't mean I submit to it.  Which is why, on some days, I have just a wee more bite.

It looks as if health is on the rebound.  I won't say numbness or that the frozen shell with a harsh fever underneath are gone, but they have faded to moments rather than being a majority of my waking, even sleeping time.  When I would drift near consciousness at night, I could often tell one, the other, or both, were still in play.  Getting to sleep and waking were both troubled by the weight of those things.  Yesterday was the first day without those, but with remnants of the exhaustion they caused.  Something I was able to work through, to a degree.

I certainly didn't get everything done.  But I did enough that I am happy with yesterday.  I will finish up a few things today, perhaps start a few more projects.  I attempted to be to bed as much before midnight as I could.  I made it to bed by 23:00 or so, setting the alarm for 8:00.  I woke very early, but stayed down.  I need the rest.  At 4:00 or 5:00 I woke.  I simply did not get out of bed until the alarm sounded.  Between the bit of effort yesterday, and a rough sleep, I am a bit sore this morning.  Not a problem, so long as symptoms are gone and health is flowing back in.  Pain, even typical illness, won't always keep me down.  It's that deep stuff, heart and organ function, and such... when those go downhill, I can't function.

Finishing the laundry, starting a new load of dishes, hitting under the sink and the kitchen, and a few other things are what are filling the agenda for the day.  Oh, and another shower.  I don't need one, I just want one.  Clean.  Moistened.  I'll hit the feet, especially the heels, with the pumice stone today as well.  Moisturizing those a bit after the stone is something I should do more often.  I just hate spreading goo on my body, getting it on my hands.  Life isn't always about "like".  Actually, life is learning to enjoy in spite of dislike, I believe, often enough anyway.

A bit of waking.  A bit of reading.  A cup of water, then coffee, and maybe a bit to eat, as I go on to wake.  Old rice, a little half and half of my own mix, and coffee...  No protein, I think.  Hmm...  Bacon!  Maybe toast?  Sure.  That cracked wheat toast doesn't leave a lump in my gut.  I have actually been thinking of looking for some of the old wheat types, for storage.  Though maybe that isn't necessary when grinding at home?  I've been meaning to look into it.  Desert Cat suggests that modern wheat seems to be just fine when home-ground.  I need to explore that, before long.  I trust, I just... like to verify.  And no two two-legs is quite exactly alike.  Though he does seem more sensitive to foods.  No complaint or trivialization, mind you.  Different ages, races, and types... well...  It is what it is.  Still, only one way to know, for sure.

On to waking.  Good day.  Oh, and... get to it.  If I can crawl out of my grave, you can certainly get out of bed.  Ha!  Later. 

Not just doing.

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Well, I am, sort of, getting to things.  A snail has a pace that I seem to be emulating.  It is faster than that of a corpse, mind you.  I just realized, I actually started breaking out of the morass several days ago, more soft than physical.  I started reading, and playing sudoku again.  I started reading The SHTF Stockpile, by one of the bloggers in my link list, actually.  I decided to start out with a topic I knew, and author I have some pseudo personal knowledge of, and... baby steps.

In some ways, to some people, his work is shocking.  To people who have never heard of prepping, or thought of society failing, he doesn't give them much room to negotiate.  He offers them the door, right away, if the truth is too heavy for them to handle.  He writes as if what I suspect will happen... will happen.  And, it will.  How heavy, hard, fast, and deep?  No one knows that.  No one.  The best admit it, the rest are looking for a credit card number.  We all have our suspicions.  And we all know that location is as important as other things... your location and local connections when and where it hits.  I approve.

I kept trying to look for attempts by the author to take things easy.  I kept looking for shortcuts, false easements, or simplifications.  He simply doesn't offer those.  He does avoid the panic button, though.  It, even I agree, isn't useful.  Yes, I hit it from time to time.  But not for you, for me, because I feel it so strongly.  I know my position more than most can.  I really am tactically minded, and crippled.  After a wolf chews it's leg off to escape the trap, he then realizes... it didn't just get all that much better.  So it goes.

Good book.  If you have kindle, it's a song and dance.  Cheap, that is, and easy to get.  Usually I don't recommend such.  In some cases, it is quite good.  There is theory, if that isn't the core of the book.  Practical notions on a number of topics.  Tools to trade, food to community, water to transport, given the variety of potential causes for a massive downturn in standards of living.  I don't know all, but at 61% into the book, I can easily recommend it.  It's a solid little book for starters who are past their fears and for beginners and middling preppers, at least.  The lists and ideas, but just as important, the hope and the understanding that hope will carry you beyond anything else you could collect.  It's about life after easy life has ended.

Anyway.  After I finish this book, I will move on to Irrational Atheist.  I have been drooling to bite into that.  I do appreciate the author, and many of his ideas.  We have differences, but... those are more minor, detail oriented, and slightly political... whatever that last means these days.  While protestant, of some nature, there are things all Christians can, to a degree, agree upon.  He has a pretty good head on his shoulders and doesn't have any guilt about being "white", Christian, Western, or logical, and it shines through in other of his material I have read.  Now, mind you, I am going to be looking for, targeting, holes in his material as much as support for my own notions.  Not because I feel one way, or the other, about the topic or the author, save that this is what men do to enhance themselves and each other.  Yes, I will debate any notions I see as weak or wrong, maybe suggesting what I do like... or not.  Women and minorities don't seem to understand that judgment is vital.  It's a good, necessary, required thing.  If you fail, try harder.  If you can't, you are in the wrong program.  Life is hard, some things require correctness.  Anyway, that is my next.  Perhaps, if I even get there, and keep going, an entertainment read now that I have a few sources for non-queer material, and then back to an attempt at the heavies of theological theory.  Bleh.  But, actually, I do enjoy it all... as long as I am not offended by lies from start to stop.

Later.

Opportunity.

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Why now, not then.  Why here, not there.  Why this, not that?  Can't care.  When a chance to work comes available, the choice is simple.  Grab it or roll over and go back to sleep.  I only do the latter when I don't have a choice.  Today I do have the choice and have made it.  Even if nothing else happens, I have broken through.

It started with a simple shower.  Not really work, though yes it is.  Just standing, sometimes, is a trial.  It isn't a lack of strength so much as a lack of a link between flesh and mind.  The marionette is solid.  The strings are strong enough.  But the master is not at hand.  I had thought to put laundry together, and start a load.  That never works well.  Shower first, then laundry.  At least in my home.  It's not as bad as some places, it just isn't ideal.

Showers are wonderful things.  So very simple, elegant, invigorating, cleansing.  They are technology, too.  I love it when someone laughs at the notion of a shower being a technology, and then watch them choke on their snit when I ask if, out in the forest, even near a stream, they could create just such a system that works in all weather, offers temperature controls that work for at least years without effort, and offer all the surety and safety of what they have in their homes.  Yes, we live better than kings have ever known, and without slaves and servants.  You have no idea how well we live.  Go out camping, then don't come home.  Even the houses we live in are warm beyond compare, the food we get we can afford to ignore or complain about, even with such vast amount of choice.  I do become perturbed, though not just at others.  *mirror*

Never mind.  Shower taken, laundry in the laundry room, I put a load in.  Then I set the last of very few dishes to a soak/rinse.  I needed to sit after that, so decided to post.  As soon as I can, I will handle those few dishes, and put what dirty dishes I can find into a soapy soak, check the laundry, and maybe begin tearing into boxes.  Oh, and earlier, I hit the toilet with cleaner and the brush.  It may get a second strike, depending on how it looks after a rest and some other things.  My neighbor had a funny look on his face the last time I spoke of putting boxes into a local bin.  So... I won't do that.  I either fill my recycling bin, if that will do, or take them on into town, where they have a public place for them.  I got the feeling he was... informed... that this bin is not really public.  He wouldn't say it, but friends don't always have to be told.  And, if friends, just... understand.  Wrong or right, I do my best to... be a friend, and good neighbor.

Recently, I saw items for sale that I have wanted for some time.  Real mops, of the industrial sort.  Not only do they last longer, for many reasons, they are easier to maintain and work so much better.  The homey mop bun type mops I have are okay.  But when used with my strength, and fairly as I don't attempt to abuse, they fall apart rather quickly.  They are good for women, because they are light, and women aren't able to use as much force when ringing and using.  My native physique and strength just doesn't work with typical domestic goods.  A rolling bucket, an inner dirty water bucket, and solid mop handles and mop heads were purchased.  I am hoping, through the laundry, dishes, and boxes, that I can clear and sweep the back entry hall, middle bathroom hall, and bathroom, then mop as close to the clean as these old floors can offer.  Mop, maybe twice, then rinse, and let dry.

Today?  Don't even look at me like that.  I will do until I don't, can't, or my body won't.  Oh, toss in getting the water lines in.  Yeah... No.  Not today.  But maybe over the next few days.  Then again, who knows.  Later.

Daytime is shifting.

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A few hours at bedtime, a few in the morning, not necessarily in the same sleep cycle.  Though, what, exactly is a sleep cycle?  Is it morning to morning, or bedtime to bedtime?  Or... both, and not?  I mean, can't it be the most recent of those, at any given time, thus making it a variable thing?  Honestly, humans can set parameters and move forward within such notional realities, but without strict adherence, which we aren't good with, we will yet vary.  This used to drive me crazy when I watched humans do this.  I was young enough that I hadn't tried, or when I tried, if I failed, I quickly forgot.  At this time, I realize it is a human norm.  Not that I have given up on trying to my life as static as possible, especially difficult because of my health and psychic fog from various things.  I am just not dedicated to it as a possible truth.  Never worry if you don't understand.  Though, my guess, in a discussion, if you could invoke a Q&A, you would not only understand, you would find that you are quite as infatuated with the notion, and easily as incomplete in your fulfillment of it.  As we all wish to be young, handsome/beautiful based I hope on our sex, smart, organized, and such, this thing is a desire for most, at least those who have seen well past simple living, and I don't mean countrified by that, I mean able to see how optimized some part of our personal or professional life could be.

Hmm... what was I saying?  Never mind.  Yes, I just woke, and this morning my mind is buzzing.  Why?  Oh, right.  Because my days and nights are trying to shift.  I didn't get to bed until midnight last night.  I set the alarm to absolutely no good use.  Then, at some point, I did wake and try to push through and get out of bed.  I thought noon had come and gone.  I was sure I had checked the clock several times and that I had seen noon both times.  But I just could not wake!  Not fully.  I asked for Sassy's help.  She has learned caution.  No biting, no scratching, no jumping.  If fully asleep, and she creates a reaction, it won't be a good one.  Gentle approaches work, but she can't quite be gentle when hungry.  Still, with a little help from me, she has learned to approach, and encourage petting and ear scratches.  I am trying to get her used to walking, not stomping, on me too... but that is beyond her I think.  The day was slipping and yet, there I was, stuck.  Switching awake and not, without a way out.

When I finally woke, it was to some relief.  It was only 10:00 and small change.  Because of Sas's help, I did feed the girls right away.  She did very well, with a little coaching.  Sam won't help, for whatever reason.  My guess is she is the true gorilla terrorist, and has received the harshest punishment.  Do not pounce, do not claw, do not bite!  Purr, walk upon, seek pets, gentle.  She refused to learn until she learned very hard.  Taught her to fly, most likely, and often.  I have no pity.  Anyway... it was a bit of a relief. 

Today?  I have no idea.  I am pretty zapped.  Medicine is going very regularly, except when I miss it.  three nights in the last two weeks, and two whole days that were... totally missed.  I don't remember missing those days, it really was just losing time.  Two days?  Missing nights isn't all bad, if not optimal.  But whole days is uncomfortable.  I, for the last few years, haven't done that much until this summer.  Three to four years ago and missing days, several in a row, wasn't uncommon.  And, before that, even in engineering school, missing months wasn't extremely rare.  I don't like the trend.

Never mind.  I am awake.  I will search for opportunity, and take what of it I can find.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Last night I tried something different.  I am not a fan of maple flavored pork sausage.  Not just as is.  However, I had an idea.  Sausage patties, fried to a solid doneness, with a slice of onion and cheddar cheese... with rice.  I couldn't be sure if I would like that, but my internal flavor calculator said that this would be good.  And, you know what?  It was.  Delicious, if not eaten too often.  I enjoyed it for supper, then had the remnants for breakfast.  Darned good.  Maple, cheddar, pork, and onion, on a bed of rice?  Weird, even to my standards.  Though not my only profile that is odd, just the newest one that hit the mark.  It doesn't have to be fancy, or complicated.  It just has to actually taste good, really good, for me to add it to my list.

Hmm...  Water lines really need to be put up.  I think I will focus just on that.  If anything else happens... goody.  If not, I will be happy with just that.  Oh... no editing this "morning".  You'll just have to figure out the notions through the flaws.  Later.