Crazy sleep lately. And some prepping stuff.

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While I do feel good, I am crashing, hard... too hard to stop or play with or alter.  I'm taking medicines reasonably well but little else save the girls get breakfast, dinner, and their hard foods and water regularly.  Well, and I have been eating a bit every day.  That last may seem silly, but in the worst of times I have simply stopped eating, and mostly keeping up on the kitchen.  No focus, no interest, no way.  Not eating for a week or three is very hard on the system.  The g.i. simply shuts down.  Don't go there.  Starting it up again is painful in every way, and full of oddities, one way, then the other, as a yo-yo, until it all settles back to some norm again.  So, this is probably the best crash I have known, plus being conscious, even if through some harsh pain early on and probably coming up.

I have been sleeping for four hours then popping awake, being awake four hours, going down for eight or so, then being back up for four more hours.  I simply don't have a real schedule.  I don't mind, especially since despite it all, there is SOME regularity, and when I am awake I have a bit of capacity to at least eat and do some washing.  There is worse and there is much 'worser'.  This is merely worse, and the cream of the crop of it at that.

Some suggestions for preppers.  I know, I have been remiss as to advising lately.  Or even dealing with this issue.  Truth be told, other than learning to can meats, buy a solid wheat grinder, and a few other things, I am nearing my practical capacity for that.  Ugh... I do need to refill the shorter term larder, check stocks, see what I have been using, and such.  But other than that, I am almost as prepped as I can be, all givens included.  Still, there are notions, about food, and incentives, that I can pass on.  These aren't from other people, these are from my very own experiences.

The first, is the notion of storing some food replacements.  Enriched white rice lasts longer, much longer, than brown rices.  But there are other grains that last as long and are easier to cook, lower on the glycemic index, and full grained so you get more bang for your buck.  Among these is quinoa, as an example.  My personal displeasure with white rice lead me to try this.  Being a nearly true eater of all things, I thought this would be a simple replacement.  As it turns out... I truly do not care for quinoa.  Oh, but you suggest, hunger solves all.  Well, no, it doesn't.  If I had ended up stocking all such grain as quinoa, there is a chance I would have gotten over my dislike.  The other possibility is that I would have become unable to eat much when that was served, a very bad thing when physical exertion is demanded by new realities, short or long, on the ground, and where stocks have to be used and watched carefully.  In need, one does not make a meal for me and a meal for thee.  No time, no energy, not enough stores, limits on replacement.  It's not like one simply, in that, goes to the store.

Oh, I haven't given up.  I will try to make room for quinoa and amaranth, possibly other grains, which can be stored for longer periods.  Nutrition is important.  While we, all of us to be quite honest, are wealthy enough to ignore nutrition at this time.  In a hard spell we will do that to our great personal and social peril.  People forget that during the great depression even children became so malnourished that, when the government put out the call for the draft in WWII, many were turned away because they were completely unfit.  The reason there is a school lunch program is because of that.  Yes, it has outlived it's usefulness at least among the civilized, or more those who choose to be civilized, and further under this new admin seems to be trying to impose malnourishment (don't feed farm hands or the like what the nobility eat, innit? as well, come on mooshell, don't tell me that is what you eat... look in a mirror, we know).  The notion that started it was that so many children were so grossly underfed that they couldn't even be drafted.

I am suggesting, again, from personal experience, what many other preppers or faux preppers suggest.  Make sure you can tolerate the foods you are storing.  Don't just sample them, try them with other foods you are storing.  I would even suggest getting used to them, even if they aren't going to be your "always" diet, if that is preferred.  Know what you like, what you can put up with, and what you simply cannot eat.  And more...  Try to expand your 'food vocabulary'.  I plan, when picking up more brown rice (yeah, shut it, I know I can eat enriched white... and have it in store, but preferences so hush), also picking up both those grains and experimenting.  No, I don't like doing that.  No, I don't want to.  But I am not a child and sometimes have to do what I don't like.  And, who knows.  I didn't like couscous either, until the lady who feeds me put it together with some stuff.  Ignorance is no excuse in a time of want.  Hmm, ought to check on couscous as well.  Gah!

Next, this winter, perhaps in the late winter or spring, I will be getting into another hog.  I did not can this year, but next year I would like to do so.  Practice with pork, then beef if/when the price on that comes down.  Last I looked, a package of ribeye was $10-$11, and seemed to be that price for some long time.  I hope Ted (Bundy) Turner goes broke trying to price strangle Americans out of beef.  Why would the government allow a communist to own a major culturally significant fragile food industry?  Ah, right.  Never mind.  Remember, your government knows best, it is all you will ever need.  Forget beef, forget the family... forget God.  Right...

I offer these notions up for my own purposes, of course.  I need incentive, and writing about these things... sort of reinvigorates me in this cause.  I write about this for your sake as well.  You really need to understand.  This isn't fiction, it isn't make believe, it is coming.  No, it hasn't happened yet.  But understand, in all the history of economics?  The situation we, and the whole world, is in right now is unprecedented.  Imagine if economics was like a human brain.  And the doctors had pumped that brain full of chemicals so that it was still alive but followed no known, or even imagined, patterns.  Then imagine if they had put that brain, without understanding or communicating with it in any way because they couldn't, in charge of the world.  This is not a tale that is going to end well.  And that, essentially, is what has happened.  You, yes you, if you are reading this, lead a lush life... compared to even the French, English, even Germans, but so far beyond the typical South American and African that you cannot imagine the difference... yet.  Your government, and seemingly big business, is wanting you to live as Africans.  Hungry people, the poor, the powerless... these are easy to manipulate.  You must be brought down, or eliminated if you will not yield.

Don't tell me they can't do it.  They ARE doing it.  ACA to SS to Medicaide and Medicare are crushing the life out of this nation.  Throw in new business regulation every day, literally, new attempts to take your firearms, attempts at opening our borders for all comers, and many other initiatives, and it is plain to see what is happening.  Europe is ahead of us in these things and Russia is already crushed, the typical paycheck is $300 a month there.  Why do you think people there commonly take a drug that literally rots the body, and why do you think that the use of that has spread to Europe and America?  Seriously, folks, if you think this is bad, wait.  We have allowed it.  Nobody wanted to say "Boo".  Of course many were, and still are, for the changes because of 'for free stuff'.  You get precisely what you pay for.  It's coming.

The US has run red, and it is about to do more than bleed us dry of the wealth earned.  What is left to do with a beat that has nothing left to bleed?  The sugar plant.  Economic Soyent Green, with the boot and the bayonet and terror to keep the machine greased. 

Ode to Sassy?

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Perhaps.  More prose than song or poem.  Sassy is the hungriest little cat girl I have ever known.  She eats more than Sam and I combined, pound for pound.  No, she isn't fat, or not any more.  I put her on a bit of a diet and watch things a bit more carefully.  Back when I couldn't focus, and before I created a plan that allows me to monitor food intake much more easily, and when my days were mixed affairs running from a few hours to a few days and so I would feed when I was awake and the best I could, she had really started to buffalo out. 

Still, she learned to beg at a professional level.  Sam, on the other hand, only begs fairly.  If Sam is begging I know I have slipped up and they get fed right then and there... urhm... give or take.  Remember, I am an ogre, so hints aren't always taken easily.  Beside begging, Sassy has learned to understand some words.  Food, hungry, treats?  Bam, she's on those like a wife hearing credit card and mall.  She has also learned that, when she begs early, poppa can be a bit... cruel.  Food?  Meow!  Not a chance.  *runs away and attacks chair she isn't supposed to claw*  *gets chased by ogre until he is pooped and collapses back into place, never having gotten close*  *sneaks back and begs a whole day (20 minutes, max) later*  Twerp!

Oh, for some reason, I am frequently being logged out of blogger when I try to comment.  I am trying to remember to save the comment, and relog in order to post it again.  If you aren't getting comments, it's because I didn't remember to save the comment.  Vox and Dum Vivimus, Vivamus seem to be almost automatic failures, as to being unlogged.  When I am logged  out, the comment is always lost.  I don't know if they have some setting, or blogger is just picking on conservatives in some new and nefarious manner.  Just understand, this is just the beginning for the statists.  Second class citizens by default and in a seemingly automated manner.  Yes, they have your file.  They "know" who you are.  Government, big business, the rest.  And, if you aren't complying, you will be punished.

Peace of being.

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Yes, a little more sleep did help.  Still inactive, and prone to be for some time most likely, at least there is a sense of ease in the moment.  The senses remind me of a poem I read most recently, written in the appropriate setting and framing the right time, as regards my notions.  While nighttime is not what is sought by me, when I find myself in it literally or virtually as now, I wish merely to enjoy it.  Regardless, as well, of my wishes, my nature belongs to the night.

Most recently I read poetry written by a lady who caught so much of my sense of things on such nights.  As I enjoy them, I dared ask sufferance in order to use her poem here.  Permission was granted.  It seems now is the time to cash that cheque.

The moon reappears
a lover so errant
A quick glimpse of light
its deceit not apparent
It kisses my skin
soft shimmering light
Bright promise, a whisper

uttered only at night
In a moment it's gone
cold taking its place
Autumn's caress
assuming its space
For I could not own it
it's light held no key
Captured by nothing
not even by me
- Brigid

While it may seem a sad, or lonely, piece, for my part it is not the case.  The humbleness of unrequited love, the loneliness that is a part of life, the richness that darker shades of life can bring, and other thoughts of similar natures, crowd into my mind upon reflections of this poem and the notions that drew me to it.  These are not bad, or painful, or sad things, in this humble cave.  Little tastes of life which many seem to have no patience for, but which I, and apparently others, suss out of life.  Little, often innocent, pleasures, enjoyed right over or around or through our sinfulness.  Yes.  Indeed, this poem and my thoughts, to me, are spices added to my life.

Thank you, much, madam, for your kind permission and fine work.

Not the best, or worst, of days.

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Just a wee tired and physically feeling jostled.  No great pains, no solid joys, just another day of doldrums.  Far better than some recent days, and good enough.  I will not complain.  I don't think I will get to much today, and I may go back for a sort of nap.  Part of the sense of the blahs is that I am pushing my schedule back into days, I suspect.  I made it to 15:00, maybe 16:00 this afternoon, before crashing.  "Yesterday" (the sleep time of the cycle from the cycle before this, as that was Tuesday, "yesterday" was Wednesday... gets confusing), I was in bed by 10:00.  So, "yesterday" was quite a stretch.  Hmm, woke early, because, technically, "yesterday" is... also today.  Never mind, just... trust me.

Oh, I will feed the girls, and check the washer and dryer.  I'm not sure if anything was left in the wash.  I hope not, but... Then a nap?  Yeah.  Strange dreams of late.  I lose them, often before I wake.  I think I have been enjoying them, complex as they are.  Should you really dream, even if they might now work in real life, new fields of theoretical mathematics?  Sure, it is interesting, at least to me.  But aren't we supposed to have fun, or doing odd things, or have great fears in our dreams?  I dunno, just seems odd to me.  No, I can't remember the theory.  I truly wish I could.  I have tested these things out before, and have hit, and missed, profoundly.  At least I enjoy it, mostly.  Some little details take weeks in that dream world to sort out.  I truly do enjoy math and science.  At least the real stuff, that ends up being functional, useful, and a step in the right direction.

I did finish the last trophy from Dishonored.  I won't be buying DLC (download content).  The game just isn't that intriguing.  I did enjoy some of the play, and the style.  Even when I can kill, for example, even though it is just a game?  I prefer to avoid that.  I think of all those, in real life, good and bad and "neutral", who have died, rightly or wrongly or just in a timely required for the world fashion, and...  I don't prefer to kill.  Only if there is no other way or it is right and required.  I also know, in truth, there is no way for things to work without some killing in life.  Plants, beasts, men, blood must be spilled.  And it isn't always as we would prefer it, right or wrong or just.  In a game, where I can choose, even when it isn't actually practical in a real world setting, I choose mercy... or a very fast end.  Do unto others, all I'm saying.  As to the poster?  I may not be a lady, but I can definitely empathize, even emulate.  Oh my!  :p

As such I am on to another game.  I am not sure I really like it, but... I'll tinker with it.  Rarely do I truly enjoy a game up front.  And this game is particularly quirky regarding controls, poor in game connection to those in my opinion, and the number of controls jammed onto such a limited device.  I may create a cheatsheet.  But that only helps to learn over time, the learning curve is rather steep, so I will make many mistakes just learning.  Bleh.  I'll know it a bit.  The premise of the game, the wild West, is promising.  And I do understand, at that time, that force was applied in a bit more of a naked fashion, due to the realities that existed.  And, while sneaking isn't quite the thing in this game, there are non-lethal methods of play.  But those require mastering a learning curve that is... a bit bogus imho.  I just wish there was an in-game way to quit the game and a better save mechanism.  *grumbles while contemplating* 

Yeah, I guess it's not such a, bland, maudlin, or melancholy day after all, once I got going.  *grin*  Yeah, it may look bad.  But trust me, the grin says otherwise.  Still, a nap might improve on even this.  Perhaps I will find someone to somehow irritate in a dream?  Like that's difficult.  Thankfully is is pleasing.  Later.

Why?

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Oh, who knows.  My mind is playing with things.  Not so darkly though not without touching on some of that.  My gardens all have areas of shadow.

Feeling and doing don't always equate.

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Oh, I'm still feeling rather self-pleased.  The girls have been hunted well and often.  And they in turn have enjoyed hunting me.  I have worn the poor dears out though.  I'll give them a break and find other pursuits.  What that is an activity, it isn't truly all that active.  Further, it is spur of the moment with no gain save that a couple of cat women and an ogre get a bit of exercise.  Sustained only until rest is needed.

Getting on to other things is not happening as I had hoped.  No worries.  I have almost two weeks of feeling better, at least.  I do suspect, somewhere in there, I will find myself to doing a bit more work.  Hopefully a lot more work.  Then again, that I am awake, not in pain, and actually enjoying myself might be as good as it gets in the process of restarting medications.  Noting that my blood pressure and blood sugar is way up, I'm not quite in the best of health yet.  I'll keep hoping, and looking for the windows of opportunity, but I won't stress about things too much.  I do what I can, what is easy, and until I get too exhausted or sleepy.

I have seen an article regarding men, women, and Japan a great deal of late.  Actually, I have been seeing this regarding most Western nations, China, and Eastern Europe, specifically Russia.  What has happened is that the demographics are imploding.  I have been tracking this from before I was blogging.  However, it seems that the term, out of the pan and into the fire, is the only way to describe the phenomenon at this point.  I also suspect that the birth rates in the US and Europe are fiction, at least for the native populations.  A few years ago, for example, Britain learned that the most popular name for a baby boy was Mohammed.  It isn't that obvious in the US, as many legal and illegal aliens still prefer, mostly, Englified names for their children.  So far.  Either that, or like most other government, social, and news reporting, name statistics are purely fiction.

What this article does, that I have not seen before, is discuss just exactly what is happening, at least in Japan.  Men and women are both selecting to not only not get married, but not interact with each other even in loose relationships.  Women are terrified, it seems, of filling the role of wife and mother.  Men, on the other hand, are disinterested in women.  Actually, neither is probably new.

Men, despite what women think of us, have a very... limited interest in women.  Essentially we have always known that women are problematic, on almost every front.  I don't agree with most of what, or why, a woman thinks what she thinks.  I don't agree with most of what makes a woman tick.  There are areas were our thinking can, mildly, overlap.  But for the most part I have always understood that a woman is a foreign critter.  My interest is based on many things.  That difference itself, the physical differences and what they mean, and the potential for children, a clean comfortable home, and cooked meals.  For my part, the truth about the differences between us has never been an issue so long as the family structure held.  Or, that wasn't the reason I never married.  When completely freed of moral, ethical, social, and legal constraints, women are completely untenable.  Not even worthy to be lovers, really.  Oh, nothing personal, just the facts as I see them.

As for women?  Yes, their fears are well grounded.  Bearing a child will take a woman as close to death, possibly, and at times, as she will know until the day of her death.  Each time very possibly, and not always just at the finish line.  Further, home keeping is not as easy as many would suggest.  The reason, for example, that women who actually keep their homes in good condition also look fit... is because they are.  They don't need special workout routines, gym passes, or a slew of dvd's and special equipment.  However, it is a nearly thankless job, an endless job.  Women have been taught, in the "advanced nations", that they are above such things.  They have been so well educated that they will personally keep themselves out of marriage and family life because they deserve better, missing that they are guaranteeing the social structure which has brought them to their unprecedented, and unsustainable, levels of freedom, to a screeching halt.  Some education is better than others, it would seem.  Or, some are lead to think while others can only follow the herd, even if it is over a cliff.

My health is my main drawback, as to finding a wife.  Well, and the lack of suitable partners.  Women, younger or older, do believe that they don't deserve the restraints that come with raising a family, or even suffering a husband.  There are a few, still, who might be viable.  They will have to be tamed, as all are now shrews.  If there is variances among those.  My trick is getting out often enough to separate the wheat from the chaff.  I have a very slim chance, at this point.  For which, in some ways, I am grateful.  Perhaps some people, and some nations, deserve to be no more.  Besides, you can't, if you know the real numbers, even consider saying I didn't kick a lot of tires, go as far from celibacy as a man can, and actually ask for a hand four times.  My job, travel, and bad luck all played a part in my missing out.  I may be single, but not in the Japanese way.  I have simply turned to that way as other options don't work, or any better.

The only way to potentially slow the death of the West would be to stop employing women.  Only faced with fewer options, and parents wanting her out, would she choose marriage.  I am not even sure that would guarantee children as things stand.  And few men will risk taking on a wife without other changes.  I suppose one could suggest that if we keep going, as is, which we will do, that it will work out.  And it will.  But the West will no longer be the West.  Western Civilization is well and truly dead.  Doesn't mean, if I could find a wife, that I wouldn't lead my own little part of life my own little way.

Oats, and wild, and feeling oder etwas.

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I'll just enjoy for a bit.  I had thought to see if I could use it.  No need.  I think it will tend to that itself.  A good day is just that, a frisky one is better.  Invigorated, and mischievous, with a bloom of energy and imagination running rampant.  I have things to do.

A fine day?

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So far.  I woke, seemingly from a very interesting dream.  It wasn't interesting because of anything that happened it.  What made it interesting was that in it I lived for a week.  Going to bed each night, waking each morning, speaking to various people, taking a trip to the store, straightening the house, even grumping on various days about various personal and bigger issues.  Today was supposed to be Thursday, next Thursday.  I'll just chalk that up to a fun little thing, at least when I saw that it was Wednesday, so looked a bit deeper to see it is the 23rd.  Halloween is sneaking up, I see.  I do have candy ready, but not the kilt kit.

Well, and I woke in a rather chipper mood.  After goofing with the girls until they were wound like fine Swiss watches, so that they started chasing each other around, all of us giggling in our own sort of way, I ran out of steam so decided to write.  Not sure what is up but it's probably just a couple of painless days in a row, and maybe a bit of energy returning.  I think even the girls were enjoying.  The certainly got into the spirit of the thing from their own waking cold start!  We had a ball this "morning".  We certainly did.  Now just who was the cat and who was the mouse depended on the moment.

What am I to do though?  Hmm...  Dishes need doing, but maybe first something to eat.  Laundry needs to be pushed on through.  Some cleaning in the living room, in hopes of clearing a space for putting my kilt together.  Honestly, that seems like a lot of fussy work, and I do fear a poor outcome on that, or it becoming a huge time dump.  Perfectionism has it's place, but isn't the best for some tasks.  Well, and I'm not sure I like the material for this task.  It might do, it might not, and that assuming I can... set the thing up right to begin with.  Yes, yes, I'll try to get ready to give it a whirl.  Plus, in that I would be cleaning the living room to do it, it is along the path I wish to take anyway.

I am increasing my insulin.  Since the smaller amount that should have worked is not enough, I am going back to my doctor's suggestion.  Up one cc per day until blood sugar is back under control.  Since I wasn't eating anything bad, I have to assume that, even when I eat the right(er) foods in proper amounts, my body just won't always process things correctly.  Who knows what else might be way off.  The problem is, what happens when my body works well and I am at high levels of this stuff?  Life is spooky with organs that work, then don't, then do...  I'll figure that out too, I suppose.

Never mind.  Just take the fun spirit of the day and go have some fun yourself.  Gosh I like being alive, even the rough spots, in ways.  But these fun days are to die for.  Later.

ACA and the middle class.

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The other day I wrote how Zerocare was an attack on the middle class.  The source of the particular man I wrote about has been called into question.  I simply haven't had it in me to research that.  However, in other reading, I have found plenty of other examples of middle class folk losing insurance or being priced to the choking point for that.

Assuming Zero is telling the truth, which I doubt, half a million people, give or take, have signed in.  How many have actually, or even been able, to obtain insurance is another thing.  I heard that in his speech, the "thousands" were discussed.  I have heard, from the speech writer for another president, that the notion of "thousands" was significant.  At this point the admin is being very careful with numbers.  But they are trying to brag up the program.  If the speech writer had thought, or could justify using, the terms "tens of thousands" or "hundreds of thousands", he would have done it.  Which means, probably, at best, literally only 950-995 up to 8,499-9,499 have signed up (depending on how this admin rounds, when and if it can ever be believed).  When the actual numbers of people rise to the point where they are significant, everyone who has been kicked off their old insurance program, who have pre-existing conditions, or even has a medium to large family, will begin seeing just exactly what the costs are.  Some simply have no choice, one way or the other.  This will be significant, unless fraud is brought in, which I actually expect.

The real reason the Zerocare online is sticking, is they were hoping people would be so glad for anything, or excited, that they would just sign up blindly, especially the young.  That not only didn't happen, it won't happen.  And without millions of young healthy people signing up for useless insurance, the system can't afford the otherwise uninsured, uninsurable, and poor.  Basically we are seeing a ponzy scheme imploding right from implementation.  Unlike Social Security, where people might never make it to retirement to see the flop that it is, or be young and strong enough to fight for it (no, for example, Social Security is not guaranteed, according the several Supreme Court cases).  This one?  Right up front.

No, there is something I am a bit suspicious regarding.  It wouldn't surprise me if the glitches are being played up to bring a lot of pressure forward, only to have that can kicked out from under the naysayers.  Let's just say this looks a little convenient, potentially.  A little pain, up front, which leads to a quick shot through the system and an easy enrollment, potentially with lowered rates that may or may not end up being fictitiously low but that wouldn't be uncovered until the program was well under way.  I'm not sure these clowns are that bright, but were I doing this, and as evil as I believe these folks to be, I might consider that as one strategy.  I've used it, successfully, on a much smaller scale, if for far less nefarious reasons.  It does work.

Update:  Not a full day later and... there she be!  It seems Zerocare online has started to implement one of the things I thought it would, false pricing.  That'll get em' in and on in record time.  And when the actual bill comes?  Too late, so sorry.  Hooked.  Of course, this is from that terribly racist anti-Obama reporting agency otherwise known as CBS.

Ah, back to it a bit.

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Oh, I know, gaming must be seen as sloth.  The difficulty one might have with assigning such a tag to me is that, often enough, I can't even do that.  I used to be a hardcore gamer.  I did play during engineering school, so I am quite capable to splitting my time between wants and needs... mostly.  But until today, I haven't even been able to play.  Too out of focus, couldn't concentrate, and tired enough that playing sort of hurt somehow. 

I am hoping to finish off the trophies for Dishonored.  It isn't my favorite game, though it isn't bad.  Right now I am frustrated with trophies that won't pop.  After working on the last few several times before, tonight I am getting all but, I think, the last, to register when I do the actions required.  I don't know if it is my system or their programming which is causing the problems.  No, some of them I am sure I did.  Just another annoyance. 

I would like to finish up the laundry and at least set the dishes to soak.  I don't know how much I will end up doing, but laundry is required, with a load in the washing machine.  I did turn the thermostat up to 72, as the girls were fussing a bit more than usual.  I might turn it up a bit more, as my body has cooled and 72 now seems a little shy for activity.  If I can get these things done, I am hoping to next begin neatening the two main rooms and working with the camping stuff.  I should be able to knock the rooms out this week.  Then next week my bedroom, and maybe putting up the work bench in the garage.  A man can dream.

Hmm, but a bite to eat, while the cave warms, wouldn't be bad.  I made spaghetti sauce yesterday, but tried whole wheat noodles with my diabetes doing up.  Bleh!  I was able to eat that at one time, but no longer.  I was able to truly brighten the sauce with a few spice additives, but the pasta was so wretched it simply didn't matter.  I may make another batch of spaghetti, this time semolina pasta.  Yeah, it's not as good for my diabetes but I need food I can eat.

I am feeling better about it all.  Oh, and, no... I am not "sore" at God, and I had no intentions of being... improper.  Having seen, but seemingly not been allowed, into the gates... do you really think I would risk the same, at least just to be a little cheeky?  God, I am quite sure, understood exactly what I was saying with that.  I am sure my usage is quite different from the singer's, or songwriter's, usage... but that's not my problem.  It was, actually, a prayer, of sorts.  And some explanation.  I do suffer gladly, knowing there is and will be better.  Even should I be a giant, I suspect, being that I do my best to abide His will, I would, at worst, be simply allowed to be no more.  I don't, honestly, expect that.  Just... a what if.

Ah, after a talk with my mother, I think next spring I may be driving out, if I can afford it.  It is more expensive.  I simply won't tolerate a potential strip search "because terrorism" or such bullshit.  You want to go through it, do so.  If they can't, really, tell one from another, they won't get a nickel of my money.  Driving isn't always the most fun, but it can be entertaining.  I am hoping to direct my travels, this time, and take a little more time, if expense, to see and do.  Even if I can't truly target anything fancy, perhaps I can at least know what I am driving through so have some notion of having been there.  Wherever there may be.  Avoiding nation parks, Colorado, and tourist traps though, is a part of it.  Some places won't receive anything from me, by number or dollar.  Let the wretches choke on their decisions.  Yeah, I'm picky.  So what.

Hmm, on to dinner.  Good... morning I suppose.

Sleep was good.

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I did get some things going last night, a load or two of laundry, dishes (some of which I promptly dirtied making a meal), even got a shower in.  Things were great.  I was pleased I had made it through the pains.  I was nearly drunk with celebration... until I realized I was merely at the half way mark.  First thing, I broke into a literal cold sweat.  Seems an unlikely thing to do with the thermostat set to 62, but did it I did.  Then a headache hit me like a tidal wave.  Just stress induced, so it only lasted a few hours.  I kept telling myself that I wouldn't force myself to bleed for a couple of weeks, maybe a month.  It didn't help much, but...  I am feeling a bit better this morning.

Blood pressure is 176/117 and blood sugar is about 256.  Yeah, whatever.  I'm still not sure why blood sugar rose so high so fast.  Dietetically it doesn't make sense.  It really must be kidneys or liver just not working right.  I did refill my medicine set, and actually a second smaller one.  Having an extra loaded set covers for if I am unable to refill right when I need to do that.  It happens.

Oh, fine.  I'll just enjoy whatever time I have until I am ready to double the dose.  I'll get to work on things, continue to monitor my stats, and work on what I am able to do.  In a day or two I will recover from this understanding and my mood will pick up.  Then I will begin getting set for fighting, again, for my health.  I might even hit cheery and find some bravado before going back into the smelter and under the hammer again.  Hey, those things exist for a reason.  I just don't want to be long in the tooth all the way up to that time, but for today and for a few more days, I doubt if I am going to be able to do much about it.

Still, I'm over the harshness of that initial shock of realization.  Now I'll just grumble for a bit.  Later.

Oh, Lord, do abide me.

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I just realized... I am only on half the dose I need to get to in the medicine that tears me up.  No, no, not this time.  I'll... raise it the rest of the way next time I refill medicines, in two weeks...  If I am still doing as good as the last few days, or thereabouts.  That is going to hurt, all over again.  This is some potent stuff folks.  Now I understand, when I let them, they titrate that up over a six month to year time span.  Ah well, I'll... live.

I need to prep a bit for it.

I know the score.

I know I will make it through.

I'm just not ready for the trek today.

To bed very late and, of course(?), up late, again.

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This time, however, I don't think I have what it takes to roll the time back.  My choices are simple, keep rolling or make a goal of pushing my schedule back around.  I was rather successful, and quickly, last time, once I got that started.  So, my plan is to keep pushing my sleep cycle until I am back to days again.

Waking was very good.  Sleep was freshening and easy.  I feel great, comparatively.  Oh, I still feel a bit beat around the edges, sore here and there, and not at my top.  Just compared to literally crying from raw pains, and I am not a baby about that stuff, life is much better.  The Draino killed me, I think from pain, but I didn't even cry then, save at the end, when organs began to fail.  Yeah, I've been here before so I know what it's about.  I can't remember pain, really, but I can remember my reaction to it.  Much better today and yesterday.

I must have some sort of internal heat factory going though.  With the thermostat set at 62 I woke to a very stuffy room, even with the fan on.  A few weeks to a month ago, I needed it to be 80 degrees in here and was just barely comfortable at that, as I recall.  My lungs aren't feeling the burn, now, but I don't know if that is because of the temp I am keeping the cave.  No felt body heat, either, but I am running barefoot, if with pajamas.

I got right to things this morning.  I set the dishes to a fresh hot rinse soak, and will get to those before long.  Taking a shower before that.  Then I set another load of laundry to wash, leaving only a load or two to do, and ran the clothes I had forgotten in the dryer to a freshening spin while I showered.  I have been doing little nit-picking around the cave these last few days.  Something out of place here, something put in it's place there, bits at a time.  I will never get it done at this pace, but that isn't the point.  That I can see and can do, I am hoping will lead to an avalanche of work when I am ready.  Having, and keeping, the kitchen and bathroom up, and getting ahead on laundry, are all going towards a major work.  My body simply has to recharge, rest, and recover a bit more first.  Medicines are being taken... uhrm, save insulin now that I think about it.  Gah!  Always some part of some or everything is always getting in the way!  Damn.  I'll... get on that again, again.

Well, that's about all I have for now.  I am not sure how long I have been awake though.  I was thinking an hour or two, but the clock and a visit suggest otherwise, more like three to four, maybe five hours?  Yeah, well, I'm still not in my prime, just in much less pain and feeling good otherwise.  I'll take it, but I'll continue to suffer through the bad parts, as consciously as possible, too.  And I'll be glad for it in ways many can't understand.  Later.

Well?

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I got nothing done.  Wait, there was a bit of picking up in the bedroom, and... oh drats, I best put the load of laundry over to the dryer.  Dang, I was about to go to bed.  Hmm, since I have to be up for another hour and change I might work on the dishes.  Bleh.  I really didn't feel like doing much.  Tired.  On the other hand, I have had one of the best days in a long time, as to pain.  There was very little to have to try to tolerate.  A minor ache in one arm/elbow, a few very minor organ gripes, that's it.  No fever, no blowing flames from my lungs, though I have the thermostat set at 62, and it might well be there given the outside temps are nearing 30 lately, or below.  I'll take that.  A broken arm is better than what I was going through when I restarted medicines again.  That was temporary death going on all over my body.  Don't do that, more than once anyway.

Yeah, I am up really late/early again.  Oh well.  I was truly just enjoying... doing nothing and feeling no pain.  I was almost afraid to move, in case the pain returned.  Between those it was difficult to get to anything.  I don't mind.  I don't care.  Not for a day.  But tomorrow I have to try to get back to work.  I have much to do.

Good night.

Haiku Monday - Web

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It seems becca is up with the contest.  I didn't see the post, and it wasn't titled to draw my attention.  I like it when it is offered a bit earlier.  Sometimes I can and sometimes I can't put something together, and I never know which.  This time I can't and time is against me.  Still, if you can, go and put in your poetry.  If nothing else, perhaps I can point others to the contest.  Good luck.

That is very strange.

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I had to check to see if I had lapsed on medication again.  No, not that.  Then, after waking, I decided to give things time.  Perhaps my sense of things was due to that initial lack of sensations of any kind that "mornings" sometimes offer.  Several hours, and a few tasks, later, and... I am in shock.  The body pains no longer feel fresh.  While still felt, they are felt as very old pains.  It doesn't feel as if I worked too hard yesterday, or the day before, but more like a week ago.  Joints and muscles are just a bit achy, but nothing is screaming.  My headache, and neck and shoulder stiffness, soreness, wretched pain, is all but gone, the headache gone whole and all.  My organs are all quiet.  The only thing that sort of remains is the fever.  With the thermostat set at 66, which I might lower to 62, I am almost comfortable.  Odd, but I truly do not have a fever, no matter how hot I feel.  But even at 66 my hands, face, back, and even legs, feel warm to the touch, warm to hot.  I need to track that, though.  If my body suddenly goes cold, I could get stuck in incapacity just from a lack of environmental and bodily heat, a cold coma I suppose you could say.  So tricky, tending these little... idiosyncrasies.  I am getting better at it.  Being conscious helps a great deal.

I have been keeping up on the kitchen, mostly.  I set dishes, everything to this point from the last load, to soak and in about an hour the water will be reasonable to work with.  I am hoping to get to laundry, as well.  I am closing in on being caught up there, halfway through I would guess.  And perhaps I will get to some cleaning in these two main living rooms as well.  No promises.  While not in pain, I am still in recovery.  Horrible pain has a way of leeching vigor, and my body is slow to recover energy.  Damned but I am happy about this.  I give it all I have, and then some.  It may not seem it, but living in my boots you would know.  While I can be hard on myself, it is that very thing that has probably kept me alive.  It is the only thing that, along with medicine and the gift of food I receive, will give me a potential of being free of this.  If my body were mended, that would not be enough.  I am going to have to push to... relearn how to even use a healthy body... if that will ever be the case.  It is good to know I am driven like few others are or maybe even can be.  I can't quit.  Damned stubborn mule, but...

My days are slipping.  But being back to some state of a civilized potential again, I am hoping to handle that strongly and harshly.  I want days!  I have an appointment in a week or so, and want to be in shape to get there without undue strain.  A 5:00 to 6:00 start in the morning gets me there easily on time, with time to lounge so as to be as unstressed as possible when I arrive.  The earlier the better, as a later start will see more and more traffic, both making for a more stressful and slower travel time, all of which lend to elevated blood pressure when I arrive.  Hmm, I haven't been checking blood sugar or blood pressure.  I will begin doing both my next sleep cycle.  I suppose I could check my blood sugar.  That last had begun spiraling out of control for no good reason.  Oh, I think I was supposed to call about that, too.  Bah!  Too many things to track in the middle of a hurricane of intense discomfort.  I'll... get back on track if this is not just the eye, but a passing of that storm.

Quaternionic scream.

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