Quaternionic scream.

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Oh, I know.  Whining about feeling like I am dying is hard to read.  Even be it true.  Just understand, it isn't me calling wolf.  I am just writing what I am feeling.  I am not seeking sympathy, or empathy, I truly have no use for it.  I honestly don't deserve it, if for no other reason.  I realize my page has been filled with hard things.  I simply don't have anything else to offer at the moment.

No, I don't have any sympathy, or empathy, for myself.  I understand, a bit, finally.  But that doesn't mean I still don't expect more than what I am doing.  It doesn't mean I don't hate myself, at times, for having fallen so far.  For which I ask forgiveness, mind you.  Failure after failure, time out after rest, surrender after yielding, beating after battering.  And still I struggle on, untarnished by it all, mostly.  What little of this diary is for other people is in those last sentences.  I do think, after all, if a bit too visible for my personal tastes, the price is worth the cost.  If I help one person get over some little or big hurdle, and find their feet back on their ground and their shoulder against the impossible, again, for a while, I am pleased.  Why do I write, on my side of things?  To get the thoughts and feelings out of myself.  Left inside, it can fester, like an infection.

Hmm, you know... a beer might be good right about now, come to think of it. 

On the good side, while still pretty beat up again, I am beginning to find a little bit of a handle on the pain.  Unfortunately, if anything, that has increased through the day.  Now my arm and leg muscles ache as if I had just worked them hard a day or two ago.  They are coming back to bite, and bite hard.  That on top of the rest.  The faux fever is back with a vengeance.  My eyelids even feel as if they were burned.  Altering the temperature in the cave is not having an affect on it.  As I mentioned, though, I am becoming more comfortable dealing with the pain again, after that initial shock.

No plans for tomorrow.  I am hoping to knock out the dishes, though.  And hit the living room and this, the computer, room, just a bit more.  Sleep is being odd, so I am not sure... how to work with that.  A few hours here or there, down, then I pop up.  Either that or I go, randomly, down for many hours.  I have lost control of that, but will be working on it, with it, as I can.

Being conscious through this, I think, will be better for me, in the long run.  I am using assets to which I wasn't sure I had access.  I am combining a part of me that was always in the shadows with what I have always thought was just me.  And that is working.  If... as I may have suggested... shadows may have a mind of their own.  Mine does.  I am quite sure it is worse for you.  While you may have gone through these spells with me before, I don't think you had any more of an idea of how bad it is in here than I did. I honestly wondered, and still wonder, if my condition hasn't simply deteriorated and I am dying.  I have seriously never consciously felt this bad.  Then again, I stayed awake so as to see the horror show this time.  I don't think so, but it does feel that bad.  I've been dead before, I know that feeling.  The body starts growing cold, organs stop working, the senses fail.  Before that there is a sense of something slipping away.  And that is also the last feeling.  That is what is lacking this time, which makes me think this is just... why I used to go into catatonia.

Of course, something else that might help, is scope... or scale.  No matter how bad my life might be it really doesn't effect you in any perceivable way.  Further, it effects almost no one and nothing.  There is that.  A little warning though.  If you follow this guy to the end?  He takes off his mask and bares his real intent.  One of his contentions is coordination among nations.  From an academic, this is always a bad thing.  Oh, sure, he would just suggest that he is wanting nations to work more closely together.  Much like women, academics think nice things can just happen.  A plus X equals C, or some such nonsense.  Nations which are, always have been, and always will be, adversarial, don't just agree to collude in grand, or even minor, schemes.  They don't do so even to stop a genocide in progress.  There are only few ways to produce coordination, none of them are without large volumes of bloodshed.  In the more distant past this bloodshed resulted in kings.  In the more recent past, such bloodshed lead to murderous bureaucratic tyranny.  Academics just can't give up.  And without God, they don't understand that there is only one kingdom that will ever fulfill their wishes, but it won't be on earth save for a very short time.  And their efforts are counter to it.

Never worry.  I'll be better sooner or later.  Good night.