.
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Dark, in more ways than one. And some things hurt, are wrong. No, don't worry. A verse might be a possibility as to why not. Not the only one, as has been suggested, but a new one. Not sure why darkness is falling so dreadfully toward bedtime. While I have gotten to none of what I want done, my days have otherwise been mildly to pleasantly enjoyable. No, Desert Cat, nothing like the ones I saw. YouTube wasn't being nice so I didn't see all of them. Yeah... did someone fall into his cup? No worries, I have certainly jumped in and gotten a bit wet. More like a pool, albeit.
I am not, exactly, out of anything, I realized. Enough coffee for a bit. Canned milk will do for now. Enough tobacco. But a little real food would be quite nice. It's been a few days since I could eat. Hurts, from time to time, but when I go to eat I just drift off. Forgetting before I do anything about it. Weird little life. I need to get out before that cold front moves in but I am not sure that is possible. Sometime tomorrow? At least I can weather the cold rather well, if I can just... get... up!
Oh.... looks like my new doctor is reading here. She is reading the same blog posts the last doctor read. The last doctor only lasted one visit, tried to misdiagnose something, and had a hard time controlling her emotions. Should be interesting to see what this next one does. I've been watching her for days. Her or the old doctor? Yeah, it's her. I'll know for sure on our first visit. Yes I will. Even when buried in darkness, I do see. And I see better in the dark than the light anyway. *sniff, sniff* And I see with more than eyes. Come closer.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Still in a funny mood.
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Softening, changing, morphing, and hardening in areas that were soft. Moods are such transient unique things for me. While I can say this mood is darker, or this one more ticklish, the truth seems difficult to nail down, even if it weren't in constant flux. No mood is exactly quite like any other mood. Events can change tones, the actual mood is never singular, being a mix of various of the many emotions. Sometimes all or mostly sweet, usually some form of bittersweet leaning one way or the other and as often as not, sometimes sad or bad or just dark. Lasting a moment or a week, give or take, then sometimes simply going away or mingling with the next wave.
Learn to flow and bend or they will break you. But when you get the chance? Ride them like an epic surfer on the biggest most perfect wave. Let what happens happen. Hopefully, in time, the results won't be... to awful. Live and learn!
Of course, mood music for today, one song stolen, one song gleaned, another just because, all of it on point.
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Softening, changing, morphing, and hardening in areas that were soft. Moods are such transient unique things for me. While I can say this mood is darker, or this one more ticklish, the truth seems difficult to nail down, even if it weren't in constant flux. No mood is exactly quite like any other mood. Events can change tones, the actual mood is never singular, being a mix of various of the many emotions. Sometimes all or mostly sweet, usually some form of bittersweet leaning one way or the other and as often as not, sometimes sad or bad or just dark. Lasting a moment or a week, give or take, then sometimes simply going away or mingling with the next wave.
Learn to flow and bend or they will break you. But when you get the chance? Ride them like an epic surfer on the biggest most perfect wave. Let what happens happen. Hopefully, in time, the results won't be... to awful. Live and learn!
Of course, mood music for today, one song stolen, one song gleaned, another just because, all of it on point.
Friday, January 3, 2014
No coffee, light is too bright even with clouds.
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It's a rough day. The goals were splendid. But I have no coffee, which doesn't help. Hungry as a bear, but I just can't... get to it. My trip to town is, well... I am still hoping. If I make it, it will be a quick stop at the store the a trip to a fast food joint, then back home. I just don't have what I need to do anything more. That is assuming I can make it. Nothing else will be done. Gah! I do have to buy coffee. A shower first. Crawling, though. Rough. Hungry.
I'll try to get to it. Later.
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It's a rough day. The goals were splendid. But I have no coffee, which doesn't help. Hungry as a bear, but I just can't... get to it. My trip to town is, well... I am still hoping. If I make it, it will be a quick stop at the store the a trip to a fast food joint, then back home. I just don't have what I need to do anything more. That is assuming I can make it. Nothing else will be done. Gah! I do have to buy coffee. A shower first. Crawling, though. Rough. Hungry.
I'll try to get to it. Later.
Something to consider.
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It just hit me, like a diamond bullet, right through the middle of my forehead. I cause outrage in folk. Sometimes rightly, perhaps. But just as often because my words upset their well considered apple carts. They want to believe what they want. And, actually, I can't change that. I have no power to affect change in even one other man, woman, or child. I cannot change their beliefs. I can't change their mind, literally or figuratively. So... why the hate? Ah, perhaps because I am forcing them to actually believe what they say and then do it. Because I expect that. I don't leave room for saying this and then doing that. I don't leave room for saying they believe this but actually believing that. I don't leave any wiggle room, right or wrong. I don't even leave it for myself, if I will be the first to admit that I can and do fail. I even leave that door open for anyone else who wishes it. But only in honesty.
Then, it hit me again. I am mostly, honestly, dead. I can barely stand sometimes. I have very little energy. I can't sleep or wake as most do. I don't even eat every day, and left on my own I would not eat for even weeks at a time. How can such a humble creature be such a threat as to enrage grown up fully functioning adults? Seriously? You will have to come to your own conclusions. For me? It tells me that most adult humans, who live a life in this world, have become so attached to it that anything that threatens their connection, especially rightly, causes revulsion, fear, anger. The world is of sin. It makes perfect sense to me.
Do I always say the right things nicely? Do I even always say the right things? I do put in effort. It doesn't really matter, to one extent. Your emotions are your own. Your reactions are your own. I don't hate, if you do? Well, I do hate sin, lies, falseness. Cling to that and it will hurt when I write. That is yours. Don't try to bring it here, to me. Bring me your doubts about what I said, but your reactions are your own. And hate will see you at the front of the line on the road to hell. If you hold onto beliefs even you know are false, then hate me for exposing them... it isn't going to end well. Go to church every Sunday? Pray for what you want? Won't help. Look to what God says and wants. I do. Imperfectly, but that is sometimes my first, but always ends up being at least my final arbitration source. I highly recommend it. If you think God supports abortion, or even the pill... or women in the military... or equality of men and women, or even equality of all men, then you are wrong. Not even in hell are men all equal, certainly not in heaven.
If your hate is for something I understand, I will work with you. But if you hide the reason for your hate because you cannot defend that reason... then it's all on you. All of it. It's yours. You own it. God doesn't want it. No one wants it. Satan encourages it, but only to keep you from God as he keeps himself. He has no need for it save that it means he won't be separated from God alone. You won't even get to keep your hate even in hell. Let it go. Now.
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It just hit me, like a diamond bullet, right through the middle of my forehead. I cause outrage in folk. Sometimes rightly, perhaps. But just as often because my words upset their well considered apple carts. They want to believe what they want. And, actually, I can't change that. I have no power to affect change in even one other man, woman, or child. I cannot change their beliefs. I can't change their mind, literally or figuratively. So... why the hate? Ah, perhaps because I am forcing them to actually believe what they say and then do it. Because I expect that. I don't leave room for saying this and then doing that. I don't leave room for saying they believe this but actually believing that. I don't leave any wiggle room, right or wrong. I don't even leave it for myself, if I will be the first to admit that I can and do fail. I even leave that door open for anyone else who wishes it. But only in honesty.
Then, it hit me again. I am mostly, honestly, dead. I can barely stand sometimes. I have very little energy. I can't sleep or wake as most do. I don't even eat every day, and left on my own I would not eat for even weeks at a time. How can such a humble creature be such a threat as to enrage grown up fully functioning adults? Seriously? You will have to come to your own conclusions. For me? It tells me that most adult humans, who live a life in this world, have become so attached to it that anything that threatens their connection, especially rightly, causes revulsion, fear, anger. The world is of sin. It makes perfect sense to me.
Do I always say the right things nicely? Do I even always say the right things? I do put in effort. It doesn't really matter, to one extent. Your emotions are your own. Your reactions are your own. I don't hate, if you do? Well, I do hate sin, lies, falseness. Cling to that and it will hurt when I write. That is yours. Don't try to bring it here, to me. Bring me your doubts about what I said, but your reactions are your own. And hate will see you at the front of the line on the road to hell. If you hold onto beliefs even you know are false, then hate me for exposing them... it isn't going to end well. Go to church every Sunday? Pray for what you want? Won't help. Look to what God says and wants. I do. Imperfectly, but that is sometimes my first, but always ends up being at least my final arbitration source. I highly recommend it. If you think God supports abortion, or even the pill... or women in the military... or equality of men and women, or even equality of all men, then you are wrong. Not even in hell are men all equal, certainly not in heaven.
If your hate is for something I understand, I will work with you. But if you hide the reason for your hate because you cannot defend that reason... then it's all on you. All of it. It's yours. You own it. God doesn't want it. No one wants it. Satan encourages it, but only to keep you from God as he keeps himself. He has no need for it save that it means he won't be separated from God alone. You won't even get to keep your hate even in hell. Let it go. Now.
The Tenth Day of Christmas.
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I've got to tell you, while I am enjoying Christmas? I am also getting the celebration out of my system. Christmas, this year, won't be every day the way it used to be. I will have had my Christmas. However, I believe this celebration will buoy me through the year in a more serious and faithful way. Further, I am looking for a few other holidays to celebrate a bit more similarly. Easter, the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving, for the coming year. The goal is to carve out a week before for shopping and generally making sure I have what I need and that I have a plan. But have that work be a side note. Then, the day before, set out to be ready to have an easy celebration, then celebrate on the day, and finally coast on that celebration for a bit. Cooking extra hotdogs, or hamburgers, for example, on the 4th, and then living off that and the sides for as long as I can. I finally "get" holidays. I might even figure out which day they land on. I know what day Christmas lands on... just hoping that is a regular day? Is it Thanksgiving that changes? The 4th had better be on the danged 4th! But that is only half of some of the trick. On three to five day "weekend" holidays, sometimes the celebration is held on a slightly different day. Right? Humans! Calendars? Work! Celebrations? You all confuse me.
People and their oddities drive me to distraction. Then again, you all breeze through life, in the sense that just being alive is... not difficult. It isn't a task, say, for you to breath. You never crumble into a dark hole of thought and body for no reason, and get stuck there. (General rule, I know some of you regulars have your own afflictions, some more severe than others.) Running a regular schedule is not easy for anyone, I don't think, but most of you do, and can do, that. Those of you who have a difficult time? Imagine not having any control, like a plane that loses it's wings, or tail, or something. No control, not always. Just being conscious enough to think deeply enough to remember... to eat, sometimes... or to do... anything. Plus, having no one there for when it all falls down, or to push you into compliance, a bit. Life has improved. Food on a more regular basis, medicine and the right stuff to treat the real problems, and a will of iron. It looks like I fail, but should a man be able to be dropped in the middle of the ocean and swim to shore? I've nearly done that. I didn't even get a warning of the drop, I was asleep. The whole time I was pretty much blind and somewhat unaware, but I was told that being in the ocean was my fault, and that the drowning sensation and fear was just an illusion. On that score, water pills were and remain a joy. You truly have no idea what I have just survived. Or how impossible it is that I am actually getting better.
This morning? I woke at, oh, 7:00? I went to bed somewhat early last night, but I needed the sleep. Perhaps down at 21:00 to 22:00, maybe closer to 23:00? Some time in there. But I needed sleep. I have been pushing. Need to stop pushing, by the way. I woke, for the first time in some time, and new the date. The day I had in mind was one off, but that was fixed internally even before my eyes popped open. I knew I had some appointments coming up, thought the first was on a certain day, and considering the day and date of the appointment, and today's date, I figured what day it is. And, as noted, I remembered my upcoming appointments, though I will check the time of the first one so as to... be ready. I believe it is the afternoon one, though... I need to check.
I will be taking a shower shortly. Then heading to town. I really do need milk, cream, coffee, perhaps to see my friend and take him for a meal and to the store if he should prefer. I need to stop at the bank, stop at the gym to sign off, and... then get back to do some cooking and cleaning. Not sure what all will be done, but that is the goal. Prayers, of course, and just... remembering Christ, the early years mostly. Mother and Babe, His childhood, His labor as a man, His teaching and examples. He isn't just my Lord. He, to a degree, is an example. I can't follow, I can't yet walk on water, and any sacrifice I make in His name or for Father are tiny in comparison. But from children can be had only what children can give. Not enough to save, but enough to bring some little joy. The greatest gift is simply to live with the reality of the situation, and joyfully. Reminds me, I need to try to sing when I go to church. To belt it out. Not a great singer, but... that isn't the point.
Ah... well... a bit of waking then on to... whatever today brings. Merry Christmas!
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I've got to tell you, while I am enjoying Christmas? I am also getting the celebration out of my system. Christmas, this year, won't be every day the way it used to be. I will have had my Christmas. However, I believe this celebration will buoy me through the year in a more serious and faithful way. Further, I am looking for a few other holidays to celebrate a bit more similarly. Easter, the 4th of July, and Thanksgiving, for the coming year. The goal is to carve out a week before for shopping and generally making sure I have what I need and that I have a plan. But have that work be a side note. Then, the day before, set out to be ready to have an easy celebration, then celebrate on the day, and finally coast on that celebration for a bit. Cooking extra hotdogs, or hamburgers, for example, on the 4th, and then living off that and the sides for as long as I can. I finally "get" holidays. I might even figure out which day they land on. I know what day Christmas lands on... just hoping that is a regular day? Is it Thanksgiving that changes? The 4th had better be on the danged 4th! But that is only half of some of the trick. On three to five day "weekend" holidays, sometimes the celebration is held on a slightly different day. Right? Humans! Calendars? Work! Celebrations? You all confuse me.
People and their oddities drive me to distraction. Then again, you all breeze through life, in the sense that just being alive is... not difficult. It isn't a task, say, for you to breath. You never crumble into a dark hole of thought and body for no reason, and get stuck there. (General rule, I know some of you regulars have your own afflictions, some more severe than others.) Running a regular schedule is not easy for anyone, I don't think, but most of you do, and can do, that. Those of you who have a difficult time? Imagine not having any control, like a plane that loses it's wings, or tail, or something. No control, not always. Just being conscious enough to think deeply enough to remember... to eat, sometimes... or to do... anything. Plus, having no one there for when it all falls down, or to push you into compliance, a bit. Life has improved. Food on a more regular basis, medicine and the right stuff to treat the real problems, and a will of iron. It looks like I fail, but should a man be able to be dropped in the middle of the ocean and swim to shore? I've nearly done that. I didn't even get a warning of the drop, I was asleep. The whole time I was pretty much blind and somewhat unaware, but I was told that being in the ocean was my fault, and that the drowning sensation and fear was just an illusion. On that score, water pills were and remain a joy. You truly have no idea what I have just survived. Or how impossible it is that I am actually getting better.
This morning? I woke at, oh, 7:00? I went to bed somewhat early last night, but I needed the sleep. Perhaps down at 21:00 to 22:00, maybe closer to 23:00? Some time in there. But I needed sleep. I have been pushing. Need to stop pushing, by the way. I woke, for the first time in some time, and new the date. The day I had in mind was one off, but that was fixed internally even before my eyes popped open. I knew I had some appointments coming up, thought the first was on a certain day, and considering the day and date of the appointment, and today's date, I figured what day it is. And, as noted, I remembered my upcoming appointments, though I will check the time of the first one so as to... be ready. I believe it is the afternoon one, though... I need to check.
I will be taking a shower shortly. Then heading to town. I really do need milk, cream, coffee, perhaps to see my friend and take him for a meal and to the store if he should prefer. I need to stop at the bank, stop at the gym to sign off, and... then get back to do some cooking and cleaning. Not sure what all will be done, but that is the goal. Prayers, of course, and just... remembering Christ, the early years mostly. Mother and Babe, His childhood, His labor as a man, His teaching and examples. He isn't just my Lord. He, to a degree, is an example. I can't follow, I can't yet walk on water, and any sacrifice I make in His name or for Father are tiny in comparison. But from children can be had only what children can give. Not enough to save, but enough to bring some little joy. The greatest gift is simply to live with the reality of the situation, and joyfully. Reminds me, I need to try to sing when I go to church. To belt it out. Not a great singer, but... that isn't the point.
Ah... well... a bit of waking then on to... whatever today brings. Merry Christmas!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Feisty ornery mood.
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It's not, for the most part, a mean mood. But it can sure present like it. Not sure what is going on. My comments have just been, heavy, almost... sometimes... just mean, even over the line a bit from time to time. I am trying to dial it back but it's...
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It's not, for the most part, a mean mood. But it can sure present like it. Not sure what is going on. My comments have just been, heavy, almost... sometimes... just mean, even over the line a bit from time to time. I am trying to dial it back but it's...
Love.
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Sometimes it is easier, in good times. Sometimes it is a brutal struggle. Sometimes it is misunderstood. Sometimes it brings joy, or laughter.
To all of you who know it and share it, and in the same fashion you present it. I share it forth in like fashion. Oh, and if you think it is I who is in need of schooling, share it your way.
I do my best. You may do your worst. Yeah, I don't always get it, neither do you. Just... trust me once in a while. I'll try to do the same.
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Sometimes it is easier, in good times. Sometimes it is a brutal struggle. Sometimes it is misunderstood. Sometimes it brings joy, or laughter.
To all of you who know it and share it, and in the same fashion you present it. I share it forth in like fashion. Oh, and if you think it is I who is in need of schooling, share it your way.
I do my best. You may do your worst. Yeah, I don't always get it, neither do you. Just... trust me once in a while. I'll try to do the same.
Sociopath?
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Have you ever been called such a thing? Well, I don't know if I was. But if I was, I actually... Actually twice recently, maybe. One in a general way, one in, if what I perceived was true, a rather specific and direct manner. And, by people to whom I give some grant of merit. No, just because I give some one such a thing does not mean I then take what they suggest at face value. It merely means that I will look more seriously at a suggestion from that person, and will give them a little more room to flex their notions as a general rule.
Both are bloggers I have in my sidebar. One even, if I read correctly, added the suggestion of narcissism. Oh, hey, that isn't my advisory board, yet. Their pictures sort of got lost in the shuffle. Hope you don't mind?
Let us start with the least first, or to my notions. Plus, it was only insinuated in one of the potential... suggestions. I think? Pushing my days around can disturb memory, and creates a lack of interest in exactitude... Horse shoes and hand grenades simply must suffice, along with a 'near enough' recall.
So, narcissist? Well, of course! This is a no brainer. The question is, is it an illness or a mechanism of my situation? That can easily be debated. I realize the world is about me. I don't, however, believe the world rotates about me. Basically I am stuck, not just in a glob of flesh, but also in a diminished mind, with limited travel, and extremely limited access to other people. Further, and so it has been for longer than even some grown children of some people have been alive. Which might also encourage some sociopathic tendencies. Simply, since I can't see, rarely interact, and barely know most people. I can say something that is considered so over the line as to potentially cause a fight, save that real life really does make a difference. David didn't really want to take Goliath, plus he had the kill option up front. So, yeah, there is the self, but that is because that is about all I know. So, no, I don't think I have narcissism as an actual illness, just a natural reaction to being stuck in a trap with my own stinky self for so long. I am no more happy about it than you are, believe me.
I did review sociopathy. There are a lot of ifs and buts about the thing. There seem to be some rules about it. Now, you can't actually diagnose yourself, but you can, assuming you are somewhat rational, have some insight, and have tried to see things clearly, take things a step at a time and do a self assessment. So I did. What I am seeing are some striking similarities, with some glaring failures. Brutal. Check. But I fear for myself, my own, and others. Just, if I have no choice, I will wade through the living and dead to get to where I need to be and do what I need to do so long as I am able. And I have done so. Not only do I have fear, if not in the moment always, but later, or before, and sometimes right in it, I will know shame, regret, empathy, sympathy, and not just for the innocents, but even for the guilty. If anything, sometimes, that latter makes me... wonder about my sanity. Even if I did everything as well as could be done, as right... There will be some self-loathing. Survival sucks, sometimes. It hurts. Well, that isn't hypothetical.
Oh, I'm also as charming as a snake and just about as charismatic. At least I'm ugly. That'll make up for it (or leave a mark). As to rules? Like I'm awake long enough to learn them, and prefer to know them before acting, so that I know if I want to risk breaking one... but I rarely know so I try to... be mellow. Hold my breath a lot, until I can't. So... maybe on that, and depends on the situation. If I will kill to save, what, exactly, rules are absolute? Only God's rules, or grace, worry me. But they do worry me. And lies? When is a story a lie? When is a dream, or a vision, a lie? When it isn't true, when it wasn't true, or until it can't be true? What if the point is the supposed truth, then does the rest of it have to be factual? I could be a snake, I already have the charm of it down. Then again, I've already declared that I was one. The question is, were the reforms real? Not my call there.
Yeah, so... no... Probably not. Well, not as in a "-pathy", in either case. One is just the result of being mostly dead in a dying world with few contacts. The other just ain't so, if my nature might resemble the thing at times. But, yeah, I had to check. A response came in that clarified things though. It isn't sociopaths that women look for, it was suggested. As I have noted here, on this blog, myself. Women might not be able to tell the difference, but they look for whoever seems to be in charge. Who, here, is king... they might as well say. That, my friends, I am. Priest, prophet, AND king, it is my due. And I do wear that, as a child, of whatever nature, of God. Only, there are limits. I do not call the tune, I abide it... falteringly, failingly, even falsely, well, until the time where I might rightfully accept my duties, and responsibilities, and so begin to call the tune. When I am ready. But when I realize my mistake I head back to humbler grounds. Like a man lost in the woods, I seek the last place where I knew where I was. Not even successful always even then. Eventually I found my way, as I am neither dead or in heaven, or hell. And, even so, I think God wishes for us to take chances, to reach out, to explore. He will be waiting for us, on either side, and is with us even when we are lost. Quite a trick. And when I grow up? I think He will have taught me the trick.
Later.
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Have you ever been called such a thing? Well, I don't know if I was. But if I was, I actually... Actually twice recently, maybe. One in a general way, one in, if what I perceived was true, a rather specific and direct manner. And, by people to whom I give some grant of merit. No, just because I give some one such a thing does not mean I then take what they suggest at face value. It merely means that I will look more seriously at a suggestion from that person, and will give them a little more room to flex their notions as a general rule.
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| All ears. Well, not... ears... exactly. |
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| A-hahaha! Yeah, I resemble that. |
So, narcissist? Well, of course! This is a no brainer. The question is, is it an illness or a mechanism of my situation? That can easily be debated. I realize the world is about me. I don't, however, believe the world rotates about me. Basically I am stuck, not just in a glob of flesh, but also in a diminished mind, with limited travel, and extremely limited access to other people. Further, and so it has been for longer than even some grown children of some people have been alive. Which might also encourage some sociopathic tendencies. Simply, since I can't see, rarely interact, and barely know most people. I can say something that is considered so over the line as to potentially cause a fight, save that real life really does make a difference. David didn't really want to take Goliath, plus he had the kill option up front. So, yeah, there is the self, but that is because that is about all I know. So, no, I don't think I have narcissism as an actual illness, just a natural reaction to being stuck in a trap with my own stinky self for so long. I am no more happy about it than you are, believe me.
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| Looks, give or take, about right. |
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| Some get it so very wrong, eh Sarah? |
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| Now, if you will kindly go away. |
Later.
While I was thinking...
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I have never had a tow "rope" or jumper cables for my vehicles, none of them. That, to my notions, isn't a good practice. So this month was the month to fix that. Cables and ropes come in so many variations that... figuring out which to buy is a major headache. Reviews have become so jacked that those aren't necessarily reliable, in either direction, always. I have found items that were poorly rated to be more than I had dare hope and items that were considered tops by reviews to be terrible. Usually, however, what I saw was what I got. You can take any product, and to a degree, rightfully rip it apart. And I don't mind that as long as you keep some other variables in mind. Do you need a two gauge jumper cable? Probably not, in my case. I do run a bigger rig, so four gauge is actually recommended. Now, do you need to spend $200 on jumper cables? Absolutely not. But do you want to risk buying $10 cables when most of them are in the $20-30 range? I don't. There are guys, like Desert Cat, who can be handed a tuna and turn it into a hammer. Damned if I always know how he does it, but... For me, until or unless I get more experience, I go with spending just a bit, or a lot, more, and even then, having to hope the equipment is better than the handler.
Urhm, by the way, that was a compliment, Desert Cat. And... I am watching. If need be, I am probably just a wee bit more... capable than before. And working on it on my own, as well. Damn but old dogs are hard to teach.... if there is more there than I knew as well. Waking and learning. Behind the eight ball though, until need forces? Dunno.
Yeah, I sorted through this and that. I didn't go lowest, I didn't go highest, I didn't completely follow, or ignore, reviews. I did some outside research. Yeah, but this stuff really is a bit pricey, even on the simple, mainstream, but slightly better product. Cables and a container for them, a tow cable, d-ring, and bumper hitch plus a pin. Yeah, it's never as simple, usually, as just ordering the exact product. Usually there are little things needed to make that item function, or keep it all together. I remember, not a year ago, being asked for a jump and not being able to give it. I felt so bad, just slunk off like the dog I was. A little middle aged Mexican woman, with her mother. Felt like a heel, and should have. Takes time to... fix things, but it is... on the way to being done. She was so hopeful, and desperate, too. Nags my mind. Little things, for me, sometimes. Hot day. Desperate. Such things haunt my dreams.
After the shower, no I haven't gotten to that, but... after the shower, and soaking the dishes, I will try to get a bit of a pack together for the vehicle as well. And, in the next few days, look for my tools and pick some for the vehicle or consider what sort of a tool kit I need just for the Xt'er. Bit by bit. It's tight, with the home and car and... well... things like snow shoes. And I am keeping money aside for a couple of big projects, teeth and a wheat grinder, sooner or later... but hopefully sooner. And Burning Man? Ackh!
Oh, and I also ordered snow shoes, poles, and a pouch roomy enough for all, extra gloves, the other stuff I have, and probably a few extras for easy pick and go. It was all on sale for less than than the snow shoes alone and shipping would have been for the last months since I first checked them out.
Well, I did buy a treat, as well. Oh yes I did... It'll take me a couple of months to get back into pork hock trim so as to actually be able to store some. Or, next month, I may have to order two or three orders. Two jars being one order, mind you. Oh, and no worries. I have been eating this sort of food, and far worse, for most of my life. Trust me, this is a step up from my often usual. I did tell you I was an ogre. Pickled turkey gizzards, when I get these stocked up. Yum! And, no, this isn't why my heart is bad. That was viral. Arteries are clean as a whistle. Everything is good, save what the virus did and what 23 years of inattention from medical added to it. So.... gnom! Gnom, gnom! Yum!
Later.
.
I have never had a tow "rope" or jumper cables for my vehicles, none of them. That, to my notions, isn't a good practice. So this month was the month to fix that. Cables and ropes come in so many variations that... figuring out which to buy is a major headache. Reviews have become so jacked that those aren't necessarily reliable, in either direction, always. I have found items that were poorly rated to be more than I had dare hope and items that were considered tops by reviews to be terrible. Usually, however, what I saw was what I got. You can take any product, and to a degree, rightfully rip it apart. And I don't mind that as long as you keep some other variables in mind. Do you need a two gauge jumper cable? Probably not, in my case. I do run a bigger rig, so four gauge is actually recommended. Now, do you need to spend $200 on jumper cables? Absolutely not. But do you want to risk buying $10 cables when most of them are in the $20-30 range? I don't. There are guys, like Desert Cat, who can be handed a tuna and turn it into a hammer. Damned if I always know how he does it, but... For me, until or unless I get more experience, I go with spending just a bit, or a lot, more, and even then, having to hope the equipment is better than the handler.
Urhm, by the way, that was a compliment, Desert Cat. And... I am watching. If need be, I am probably just a wee bit more... capable than before. And working on it on my own, as well. Damn but old dogs are hard to teach.... if there is more there than I knew as well. Waking and learning. Behind the eight ball though, until need forces? Dunno.
Yeah, I sorted through this and that. I didn't go lowest, I didn't go highest, I didn't completely follow, or ignore, reviews. I did some outside research. Yeah, but this stuff really is a bit pricey, even on the simple, mainstream, but slightly better product. Cables and a container for them, a tow cable, d-ring, and bumper hitch plus a pin. Yeah, it's never as simple, usually, as just ordering the exact product. Usually there are little things needed to make that item function, or keep it all together. I remember, not a year ago, being asked for a jump and not being able to give it. I felt so bad, just slunk off like the dog I was. A little middle aged Mexican woman, with her mother. Felt like a heel, and should have. Takes time to... fix things, but it is... on the way to being done. She was so hopeful, and desperate, too. Nags my mind. Little things, for me, sometimes. Hot day. Desperate. Such things haunt my dreams.
After the shower, no I haven't gotten to that, but... after the shower, and soaking the dishes, I will try to get a bit of a pack together for the vehicle as well. And, in the next few days, look for my tools and pick some for the vehicle or consider what sort of a tool kit I need just for the Xt'er. Bit by bit. It's tight, with the home and car and... well... things like snow shoes. And I am keeping money aside for a couple of big projects, teeth and a wheat grinder, sooner or later... but hopefully sooner. And Burning Man? Ackh!
Oh, and I also ordered snow shoes, poles, and a pouch roomy enough for all, extra gloves, the other stuff I have, and probably a few extras for easy pick and go. It was all on sale for less than than the snow shoes alone and shipping would have been for the last months since I first checked them out.
Later.
Well, there was a morning.
.
.
I can't remember when I woke, not sure if I posted about it, too tired to go look. I actually mean to try to decipher if a post I wrote, for here and Alexandria, had flawed data in it. I don't, really, know how to investigate such claims. Something about a man who was getting jacked by Zerocare. The other thing that makes digging into it's authenticity is the plethora of definitive cases of people... being jacked by Zerocare. If this claim, one in millions, is false... but the rest are true... at what point does an example not based on fact but in fact true become not the, or even an, issue? Still, I hate not having some investigative skills.
Today? Well, a lot of maybes. First, a shower. Then soaking the dishes that need washed since the last time. Maybe a trip to town for a few perishables and a stop at McDonalds. Yes, for now, I have given up... just... a... little... bit. A wife could fix some of that, but... not all of it. I'm done for, but those fries! :p Is giving up some things completely wrong? Or is it, some of it, in some ways, just realizing that what our younger selves dreamed and hoped for, was... not all, or even at all, practical. How much did we lie to ourselves then? Probably more than we were capable of realizing. Still do, don't we? Gah! See, even I step in my own free-form writing.
There seems to be an inversion again. I thought I heard something indicating that the inversion would be here for about a week. A good day not to drive, but I drive so little that, really, the two or three times every month or three that I do drive, it is actually needed. Snow shoes, even horses or mules and a sled, would not improve things. One not being possible, the other putting out pollution whether used or not, and possibly just as impossible, unsafe, due to traffic and conditions, and... well... drivers... like me. Gah! The Lord does know that I pray for patience behind the wheel. Grumpy old death dealer that I am. But I don't drive meanly, I just grumble... or shout. The latter only when, now, I am sure no one can hear, or that is my intent. Well, my intent is not to shout, actually. Stopgaps of failure? Yeah. Double Gah!
Tomorrow I am hoping to shred this room and make it right! I mean tear out the boxes, move the planter to where it needs to be for use in this next month or in February, clean off my computer stand, sweep, mop, and even hit the rugs with the steamvac. Might not all happen in one day, but that is actually the goal. Might hurt, might not get to it all, might even fail miserably. But I am going to try! I'll do what I can until I can't, then hope to hit it again as soon as possible. Gah!
It's a "Gah" day, by the way. Christmas and all. But it's a... gentle, or humorous, or little thing. Just a ticklish notion, not a hammer falling on head thing. Merry Christmas.
.
I can't remember when I woke, not sure if I posted about it, too tired to go look. I actually mean to try to decipher if a post I wrote, for here and Alexandria, had flawed data in it. I don't, really, know how to investigate such claims. Something about a man who was getting jacked by Zerocare. The other thing that makes digging into it's authenticity is the plethora of definitive cases of people... being jacked by Zerocare. If this claim, one in millions, is false... but the rest are true... at what point does an example not based on fact but in fact true become not the, or even an, issue? Still, I hate not having some investigative skills.
Today? Well, a lot of maybes. First, a shower. Then soaking the dishes that need washed since the last time. Maybe a trip to town for a few perishables and a stop at McDonalds. Yes, for now, I have given up... just... a... little... bit. A wife could fix some of that, but... not all of it. I'm done for, but those fries! :p Is giving up some things completely wrong? Or is it, some of it, in some ways, just realizing that what our younger selves dreamed and hoped for, was... not all, or even at all, practical. How much did we lie to ourselves then? Probably more than we were capable of realizing. Still do, don't we? Gah! See, even I step in my own free-form writing.
There seems to be an inversion again. I thought I heard something indicating that the inversion would be here for about a week. A good day not to drive, but I drive so little that, really, the two or three times every month or three that I do drive, it is actually needed. Snow shoes, even horses or mules and a sled, would not improve things. One not being possible, the other putting out pollution whether used or not, and possibly just as impossible, unsafe, due to traffic and conditions, and... well... drivers... like me. Gah! The Lord does know that I pray for patience behind the wheel. Grumpy old death dealer that I am. But I don't drive meanly, I just grumble... or shout. The latter only when, now, I am sure no one can hear, or that is my intent. Well, my intent is not to shout, actually. Stopgaps of failure? Yeah. Double Gah!
Tomorrow I am hoping to shred this room and make it right! I mean tear out the boxes, move the planter to where it needs to be for use in this next month or in February, clean off my computer stand, sweep, mop, and even hit the rugs with the steamvac. Might not all happen in one day, but that is actually the goal. Might hurt, might not get to it all, might even fail miserably. But I am going to try! I'll do what I can until I can't, then hope to hit it again as soon as possible. Gah!
It's a "Gah" day, by the way. Christmas and all. But it's a... gentle, or humorous, or little thing. Just a ticklish notion, not a hammer falling on head thing. Merry Christmas.
Hate can be crushed.
.
.
No, you don't need bombs or even guns. I am unnecessary and useless, save to offer thanks, prayer, and support. Unless they start trying to... mandate. You don't need other tools. You just need a simple, effective, humble tool that God showed you in many ways. Starting with your parents and then hopefully it matures in your own life. It can conquer not just hate, but doubt, worry, scorn, and all the other things that bring you low. Well... why just talk about it. How about I show you. How much these young parents, especially mom, had to go through... It's breathtaking, the world we live in today. But, aye, through it all... I got to see that glimpse of hope I needed for this Christmas Day.
Hard to look at? Really? Do you have any idea what a perfect Christ sees when He has to look at us in our sin? Aversion to this child is excessively mild by comparison. This child is actually innocent of personal sin. Easy on the eyes when compared to our lust, greed, and... hate. You just have to know how to see.
My brother and his wife had to go through something similar, though less obvious at the end. Part of why I never gave up on them. The miracle of life, sadly, in these days, is considered a choice in these times. A choice? Really? Not for the good.
I have my own part in this, albeit a smaller one. I had a nurse ask me if I would have preferred to have been aborted, since I have so many problems. Seriously, looked me in the eyes, was genuine. I turned the question on her. In various discussions, I think... she started to see... beyond her lesbian notions and hate from and of it. I have my ways, if they were given by God. Even a poor emulation is powerful in these times. Took long enough to become aware of them.
Merry Christmas.
.
No, you don't need bombs or even guns. I am unnecessary and useless, save to offer thanks, prayer, and support. Unless they start trying to... mandate. You don't need other tools. You just need a simple, effective, humble tool that God showed you in many ways. Starting with your parents and then hopefully it matures in your own life. It can conquer not just hate, but doubt, worry, scorn, and all the other things that bring you low. Well... why just talk about it. How about I show you. How much these young parents, especially mom, had to go through... It's breathtaking, the world we live in today. But, aye, through it all... I got to see that glimpse of hope I needed for this Christmas Day.
Hard to look at? Really? Do you have any idea what a perfect Christ sees when He has to look at us in our sin? Aversion to this child is excessively mild by comparison. This child is actually innocent of personal sin. Easy on the eyes when compared to our lust, greed, and... hate. You just have to know how to see.
My brother and his wife had to go through something similar, though less obvious at the end. Part of why I never gave up on them. The miracle of life, sadly, in these days, is considered a choice in these times. A choice? Really? Not for the good.
I have my own part in this, albeit a smaller one. I had a nurse ask me if I would have preferred to have been aborted, since I have so many problems. Seriously, looked me in the eyes, was genuine. I turned the question on her. In various discussions, I think... she started to see... beyond her lesbian notions and hate from and of it. I have my ways, if they were given by God. Even a poor emulation is powerful in these times. Took long enough to become aware of them.
Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Weird... day?
.
.
Backlash from pushing. Even if I had figured most things out, and was doing well. Though I didn't realize the push in my mind my body had been suffering from it. So, yesterday at about 10:00 I started to feel the call to sleep. I kicked it in the teeth, first off. I am getting stronger again. It came back at about noon. Another boot to the muzzle but this time it gained purchase, clinging and closing. I knew it would happen but fought, and hard and well. I thought a nap might fix it. Actually I was so sure it would just be a nap I didn't set the alarm for dinner time.
Pop! Eyes opened to a dark world. Yeah, but the sun goes down so early, especially if it's cloudy, which I think it was when I was going down. Ah, but... a quick check. Nope, not buried under the blankets this time. I still chuckle about that time. So I rolled and rumbled to wakefulness. Glasses, pistol, phone... were grabbed. They pretty much stay with me. Mostly. The phone only goes in there when I play soduko puzzles, rarely, to rest... or bring it in while dazed into sleep like this time. Time, I kept forgetting to check. It was 1:20? Really? Maybe that clock was off. If in doubt, I check two or three various clocks and the cell phone and computer. Ah well. Medicines weren't taken, but I have fixed that. I will just be sort of off on timing, but not too badly. As well, I will try to push through the day today, to catch up and keep the day cycle as well as I am able. It is better then to continue racing ahead with time/day advancement. It also gives me a chance to slow that advancement to a crawl, so as to not overshoot the day schedule.
Yeah, it's crazy stuff. But it's what I have to work with, put up with, deal with. I remember a time when I was always busy, in danger, working, and playing when that time was offered. Sleep was a luxury, and was had when it was available. Two days up? Oh well, grab a few winks then do it again. You would be absolutely amazed what the right set of incentives can make you do, allow you to do. What doesn't kill you makes you a go-a-holic. I just don't have the incentives, then again, not sure how much my flesh will support post illness. I know it about killed me, literally, when incentives and will were in place as my body slid to the brink of death in so many ways. I'm already pushing lines that make the doctors and nurses squirm as if watching a baby crawling on the edge of a 10 storied building. I see it in their eyes. Some of them... are on my side of the thing, finally, though. One of them even said she was... proud of me. Quietly, not to be too overheard, by other patients?, though before a doctor who was none too happy, with either of us. :) Not all fiction, boys and girls, not all.
Well... A new pot of coffee is brewing. I drank the last bit of the old. I do prefer fresh brew but I am a brute. Well, more in the winter, due to the added warmth. Fresh brew is better, but not at all necessary for me. As long as it is good coffee to start. I can drink it right to the point of... strange brew, and do. You would be amazed at what I can eat and drink with nary a hiccup. I wouldn't recommend this for most of you, not the elderly, very young, or even middle aged. Unless you know you can handle... what would make an FDA inspector crap his pants just from understanding... don't eat my stuff. You can eat with me. I know good from bad. And I wouldn't consider serving bad to others. Just, for myself? Hamburger left out too long? Just a little tangy. Stuff with foreign growths? Just a little funky flavor, perhaps extra protein. Though... for aesthetic purposes, I do have some limits, for myself. But... it's probably well outside of your limits. An ogre, I tell you.
Off to... wake up time. A bit of sugar, today, in the coffee. I get that, now, as a treat, two, rarely three, times a week. Since I am no longer doing splenda, however, I have noticed that I can again taste sweetness. And I actually enjoy it. Splenda, while it has it's purposes, confuses the taste buds. It's nice to have my flavor profile for sweetness back in order. A treat only? Who knew. :p Later.
.
Backlash from pushing. Even if I had figured most things out, and was doing well. Though I didn't realize the push in my mind my body had been suffering from it. So, yesterday at about 10:00 I started to feel the call to sleep. I kicked it in the teeth, first off. I am getting stronger again. It came back at about noon. Another boot to the muzzle but this time it gained purchase, clinging and closing. I knew it would happen but fought, and hard and well. I thought a nap might fix it. Actually I was so sure it would just be a nap I didn't set the alarm for dinner time.
Pop! Eyes opened to a dark world. Yeah, but the sun goes down so early, especially if it's cloudy, which I think it was when I was going down. Ah, but... a quick check. Nope, not buried under the blankets this time. I still chuckle about that time. So I rolled and rumbled to wakefulness. Glasses, pistol, phone... were grabbed. They pretty much stay with me. Mostly. The phone only goes in there when I play soduko puzzles, rarely, to rest... or bring it in while dazed into sleep like this time. Time, I kept forgetting to check. It was 1:20? Really? Maybe that clock was off. If in doubt, I check two or three various clocks and the cell phone and computer. Ah well. Medicines weren't taken, but I have fixed that. I will just be sort of off on timing, but not too badly. As well, I will try to push through the day today, to catch up and keep the day cycle as well as I am able. It is better then to continue racing ahead with time/day advancement. It also gives me a chance to slow that advancement to a crawl, so as to not overshoot the day schedule.
Yeah, it's crazy stuff. But it's what I have to work with, put up with, deal with. I remember a time when I was always busy, in danger, working, and playing when that time was offered. Sleep was a luxury, and was had when it was available. Two days up? Oh well, grab a few winks then do it again. You would be absolutely amazed what the right set of incentives can make you do, allow you to do. What doesn't kill you makes you a go-a-holic. I just don't have the incentives, then again, not sure how much my flesh will support post illness. I know it about killed me, literally, when incentives and will were in place as my body slid to the brink of death in so many ways. I'm already pushing lines that make the doctors and nurses squirm as if watching a baby crawling on the edge of a 10 storied building. I see it in their eyes. Some of them... are on my side of the thing, finally, though. One of them even said she was... proud of me. Quietly, not to be too overheard, by other patients?, though before a doctor who was none too happy, with either of us. :) Not all fiction, boys and girls, not all.
Well... A new pot of coffee is brewing. I drank the last bit of the old. I do prefer fresh brew but I am a brute. Well, more in the winter, due to the added warmth. Fresh brew is better, but not at all necessary for me. As long as it is good coffee to start. I can drink it right to the point of... strange brew, and do. You would be amazed at what I can eat and drink with nary a hiccup. I wouldn't recommend this for most of you, not the elderly, very young, or even middle aged. Unless you know you can handle... what would make an FDA inspector crap his pants just from understanding... don't eat my stuff. You can eat with me. I know good from bad. And I wouldn't consider serving bad to others. Just, for myself? Hamburger left out too long? Just a little tangy. Stuff with foreign growths? Just a little funky flavor, perhaps extra protein. Though... for aesthetic purposes, I do have some limits, for myself. But... it's probably well outside of your limits. An ogre, I tell you.
Off to... wake up time. A bit of sugar, today, in the coffee. I get that, now, as a treat, two, rarely three, times a week. Since I am no longer doing splenda, however, I have noticed that I can again taste sweetness. And I actually enjoy it. Splenda, while it has it's purposes, confuses the taste buds. It's nice to have my flavor profile for sweetness back in order. A treat only? Who knew. :p Later.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Haiku Monday - Relaxation
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.
I just saw this. Amanda is up with the contest this week. I am at the end of my push into new territory of wakefulness, so won't but putting anything up right this minute. I will be... considering.
I've been taking medicines, again, like clockwork. Which has made pushing a little easier, for now, this time, or... something. Or I am simply doing a bit better. I am wasting it all on pushing my schedule around, but that IS something. Later. :)
.
I just saw this. Amanda is up with the contest this week. I am at the end of my push into new territory of wakefulness, so won't but putting anything up right this minute. I will be... considering.
I've been taking medicines, again, like clockwork. Which has made pushing a little easier, for now, this time, or... something. Or I am simply doing a bit better. I am wasting it all on pushing my schedule around, but that IS something. Later. :)
elegance of alone
simplicity of breathing
psychic quietude
nowhere to escape
they are coming, it's overdue
help, help, help, help - breath
luxurious love
a humble smile with reason
angel on shoulder
(It isn't what you don't have. It is what you do have that you must celebrate.)
The Seventh Day of Christmas.
.
.
Oh, I know. It may seem as if my celebration has been curtailed. Not true at all. While I busy the pages with other disturbances, each day I have set a large portion of my time speaking to, and listening to, my Lord. Gratitude, for sacrifices, those He offered, those of the Mother of Christ. Thanks for His teaching. Bowing to the strength He showed in the face of men, in the face of Satan, in the face of pain and death. While I cringe at my suffering, my imagination cannot even pull together an fragment of His pains. I sometimes ease my pain with the knowledge of His pain, as one pain can nullify another.
I thank Him for the gift of hope. In such a sometimes hopeless, hard, cruel world, through His words, deeds, and sacrifices, I got the glimpse of truth, beauty, peace, and the simple notion of life without need or want, privation or sickness, separation and death. I didn't want to believe. Why then and not now, why there but not here. In time, when He called and I came, initially to contest, however, I was shown some things. What? I don't even remember. Not all of it. Just ask what would turn a wild wolf into a loyal companion? I am not sure what I was which directed how I thought could be translated into what I have become. All I know is nothing can separate me from Him now.
I pray, much. I pray for you, friend or enemy. I pray for us, as sinners, as poor Christians, as wannabe saints, as potential martyrs, as leaders, teachers, friends, and neighbors. I pray for those who attempt to teach as He did. None of us will do His job, all we can really do is... remember Him as we have come to know Him as well as we are able. And pray for grace for our failings. In my chair, in bed, on the road, before seeing a new or even somewhat familiar doctor, I pray within my life. For the death of another, for the right marriage of a couple, for the birth of a child, I pray. Sometimes for a cause, sometimes without one, sometimes with a Saint in mind, or an Angel, sometimes directly, I pray. And, almost as often, I just listen. But not just to air. I open the channel so that He may speak, or simply fill me with His will, perhaps His way. Prayer. Never stop praying. I even try to pray with my actions. My blog, in my daily affairs, to Him, to God.
Yes, in spite of the twists and turns and confusion and such... I still celebrate the birth of my Lord, Brother, Teacher. It is Christmas and will be for five more days, then on into the rest of the New Year and my life. Imbued with the Holy Spirit, I rejoice. My true Love gave to me... Twelve Days of Christmas. Seven is a Cherished number, as well. Blessings and...
Merry Christmas.
.
Oh, I know. It may seem as if my celebration has been curtailed. Not true at all. While I busy the pages with other disturbances, each day I have set a large portion of my time speaking to, and listening to, my Lord. Gratitude, for sacrifices, those He offered, those of the Mother of Christ. Thanks for His teaching. Bowing to the strength He showed in the face of men, in the face of Satan, in the face of pain and death. While I cringe at my suffering, my imagination cannot even pull together an fragment of His pains. I sometimes ease my pain with the knowledge of His pain, as one pain can nullify another.
I thank Him for the gift of hope. In such a sometimes hopeless, hard, cruel world, through His words, deeds, and sacrifices, I got the glimpse of truth, beauty, peace, and the simple notion of life without need or want, privation or sickness, separation and death. I didn't want to believe. Why then and not now, why there but not here. In time, when He called and I came, initially to contest, however, I was shown some things. What? I don't even remember. Not all of it. Just ask what would turn a wild wolf into a loyal companion? I am not sure what I was which directed how I thought could be translated into what I have become. All I know is nothing can separate me from Him now.
I pray, much. I pray for you, friend or enemy. I pray for us, as sinners, as poor Christians, as wannabe saints, as potential martyrs, as leaders, teachers, friends, and neighbors. I pray for those who attempt to teach as He did. None of us will do His job, all we can really do is... remember Him as we have come to know Him as well as we are able. And pray for grace for our failings. In my chair, in bed, on the road, before seeing a new or even somewhat familiar doctor, I pray within my life. For the death of another, for the right marriage of a couple, for the birth of a child, I pray. Sometimes for a cause, sometimes without one, sometimes with a Saint in mind, or an Angel, sometimes directly, I pray. And, almost as often, I just listen. But not just to air. I open the channel so that He may speak, or simply fill me with His will, perhaps His way. Prayer. Never stop praying. I even try to pray with my actions. My blog, in my daily affairs, to Him, to God.
Yes, in spite of the twists and turns and confusion and such... I still celebrate the birth of my Lord, Brother, Teacher. It is Christmas and will be for five more days, then on into the rest of the New Year and my life. Imbued with the Holy Spirit, I rejoice. My true Love gave to me... Twelve Days of Christmas. Seven is a Cherished number, as well. Blessings and...
Merry Christmas.
See, that's part of why I went private.
.
.
Easy to mock from a distance, perhaps. Online, real life but out there, pick your venue for laughing at a fool. But when in the den of the roaring lion, the world changes. Even when he isn't roaring at the moment. Not sure if some are ready to read, hear. Saw it, clearly. It doesn't matter if I am believed, what I write here is a mix of stories, thoughts, visions, dreams, a dumping ground for things I can't just walk around carrying as it gets too heavy. That doesn't make any of it true, or false, per se, believe as you wish. It just is what it is. The longer it has been pent up the more... potent... it becomes. Potent? I had repressed much for a while leading up to my going to ground.
To the young, especially, ones who aren't quite ready. They have been told by the world that it's all easy. That there is no pain that can't be medicated, that there is no right or wrong, that there are no winners or losers, that there is no real good or evil, or sin or need for forgiveness. And here I sit, exposing the notion that there are ONLY those things. I do it starkly, at times. I do it painfully. I almost bleed through the letters on my page for my distress from it, the truth of it, the humility of it. Oh, they can get bits of it. I know some of their parents really have tried to help them see, to prepare them for the world and the truth of God. But here, there is no age sensitivity here. There is no cuddling, or hugging, or a joke, after some things are stated. It unnerves me, sometimes, when I go back in review. Did I write that? Did I mean it? Urhm... what does it mean? Like licking that sore tooth in the mouth until I have either loosened it enough to yank it out or I have pulled the sickness out and allowed the tooth to resettle. If over an extended time, I almost forget that it hurts and that I, technically, am causing it, but for reasons only known to my subconscious or even animal mind in that case, soul in the other case. Over and over, wave of pain after wave, and a little illness from the puss being extricated. Even me, so I know.
Why go public again? Because, while I wanted to keep this from happening, on the side, I had hoped to keep... others out. I realized I wasn't keeping them out. The ones I wanted out the most. Not for long, or even all of them up front. They have their ways. So... So people are just going to have to choose to read here or not, I am going to have to shield myself from the hate, and that's just that. All else fails, and I get weak again, Christ comes out. Not borne like a weapon, if He is to the wicked. *avert eyes* They will try to lap up the blood here. They want the taste but not the price. They don't seem to realize, without the price... there is no taste. Too weak, usually, to murder themselves, for the blood. Though some of them who have tried realize that is... even more empty. And no one else can pay that price for them. It is actually free, in one sense. But it does cost your life, in the true sense. More like an auto shop though. God does take possession of your vehicle, only for a while and simply to repair and return, when needed. Some can't see that. Some won't relinquish what, in truth, they don't own to start. Can't take it with you when you die? Then you don't own it. He took it with Him.
Yeah. The expressions, the turning of the head, the avoidance of eye contact. Fear. Naked. Haunted my dreams, it did. Saddened, but... not. Haunted, not by damage, but by the reflection of the reality of things. I prayed for him, even in my dreams. I felt for him. But it is not my place to lie to him. It does come down to winners and losers. We, of our own accord, are losers. All of us. Even when we bow to God, our coats are soaked in His blood. He is the ultimate champion and sacrificed His perfection in exchange for our sin, our losing nature. We can win, but not in any way but through Him. And what appears to be winners might already have lost everything. It is why they hate. All is not as it might simply appear. Amen.
.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Hatred.
.
.
It isn't just aimed at me, or mine, or my particular beliefs or values or faith. Here is an example of what one woman wrote to a man who lost three of his four limbs. Yeah, I'll stay in print. I am half of that man, but I won't take it either. Let it begin.
Ah, did I read union leader in there? Right.
.
It isn't just aimed at me, or mine, or my particular beliefs or values or faith. Here is an example of what one woman wrote to a man who lost three of his four limbs. Yeah, I'll stay in print. I am half of that man, but I won't take it either. Let it begin.
Ah, did I read union leader in there? Right.
Yeah, well, a bit.
.
.
More of the dishes were dealt with. My appointments at the V.A. were documented and put into the calendar, with alarms up to several days to a week ahead. Yeah... I need a lot of warning sometimes. Then I called back to get the px filled for one of my pills. It's a lesser one, but easy to take and does add just a bit to the desired results without tacking on any perceived problems. Take what you can get on that score. I then called the gym. I have to visit the gym and sign off, and then wait two months. There are worse contracts, and I did look into this before signing up. I knew about this.
I am planning on making a bite to eat. Perhaps an egg sandwich. If nothing else, that I am conscious enough to realize I am hungry, and able enough to make a bite, I am a happy camper. I hate when I am hungry but unable, or don't notice until I am running into such calorie deficits that it feels like the meat on the inner part of my ribs is being ripped off for fuel. Yeah, that... really hurts. So, I'll take what this day is offering, and feed my face before it's too late. Sure, dinner is coming in later, but who honestly likes to eat once a day? Even my girls get two actual meals a day, plus they have dry food on the side. I just can't eat out of a can. Hmm... dry food, for humans? Hey, just thinking.
Later.
.
More of the dishes were dealt with. My appointments at the V.A. were documented and put into the calendar, with alarms up to several days to a week ahead. Yeah... I need a lot of warning sometimes. Then I called back to get the px filled for one of my pills. It's a lesser one, but easy to take and does add just a bit to the desired results without tacking on any perceived problems. Take what you can get on that score. I then called the gym. I have to visit the gym and sign off, and then wait two months. There are worse contracts, and I did look into this before signing up. I knew about this.
I am planning on making a bite to eat. Perhaps an egg sandwich. If nothing else, that I am conscious enough to realize I am hungry, and able enough to make a bite, I am a happy camper. I hate when I am hungry but unable, or don't notice until I am running into such calorie deficits that it feels like the meat on the inner part of my ribs is being ripped off for fuel. Yeah, that... really hurts. So, I'll take what this day is offering, and feed my face before it's too late. Sure, dinner is coming in later, but who honestly likes to eat once a day? Even my girls get two actual meals a day, plus they have dry food on the side. I just can't eat out of a can. Hmm... dry food, for humans? Hey, just thinking.
Later.
Noonthirty? How about narcolepsy and British... humor?
.
.
Just a bit off, as I try to figure out daylight again. It's nice and bright outside, but I am so used to dark that I fear opening the curtains. My eyes, they burn, even with them closed, for the nonce. I am sure they will get better as I get used to daylight again. Nothing done, yet, but I'm getting to it. Well, no, I take that back. I did re-rinse, then dry, some of the dishes. One pot, a few bowls, and utensils big and small, remain. No calls yet, but... it's... going to happen... soon.
It seems they have found out what causes narcolepsy. My guess is, much of that they have been using to "help" the victims of this disease, were foolish wastes of a lot of money. Then again, maybe that actually works? Dunno, but it doesn't seem right. Viral, genetic, in other words they really don't know. But it isn't what they thought. Autoimmune, probably, almost certainly, if not quite consensus yet. Bleh.
.
Just a bit off, as I try to figure out daylight again. It's nice and bright outside, but I am so used to dark that I fear opening the curtains. My eyes, they burn, even with them closed, for the nonce. I am sure they will get better as I get used to daylight again. Nothing done, yet, but I'm getting to it. Well, no, I take that back. I did re-rinse, then dry, some of the dishes. One pot, a few bowls, and utensils big and small, remain. No calls yet, but... it's... going to happen... soon.
It seems they have found out what causes narcolepsy. My guess is, much of that they have been using to "help" the victims of this disease, were foolish wastes of a lot of money. Then again, maybe that actually works? Dunno, but it doesn't seem right. Viral, genetic, in other words they really don't know. But it isn't what they thought. Autoimmune, probably, almost certainly, if not quite consensus yet. Bleh.
Dishes, teh mom, medical, and some calls.
.
.
Yeah, well. Life isn't quite up to par. I am just as deeply in the pits, just not so darkly. So I begin doing what I can with what I have.
Trash was taken out, and recycling. When I finished that I reset the dishes to a fresh hot rinse. Then I had to sit a bit. A long bit. Not sore, just not on track or able to keep on track.
A call this morning. My mother received here final gift. Another "hat". Yipee? I was worried about it. When I had asked what she received, well... her descriptions are not very good. So I out and out spilled the beans to see if she had received this particular hat. Nope. Gah! But it is on the way. In describing it, she... really didn't like it. All the other hats are fine, warm, but daintily so, women's hats. This one, well, look at the picture. She lives in the cold, I wanted something for warm. Not really her thing, she suggested. She got it today. And she loves it. She will use it when taking her little one out for his morning duty. It doesn't hurt that it is ten below, and worse with windchill. Timing, people. I keep telling you. Hate to love, disdain for cherish, all in the turn of a moment.
I realized that thumbs and some other parts are sore. Too much fluid building up. I kept going with the lower doses of the water pill, in spite of my notions, but I am having to surrender to the realization that I simply need a higher dose. So, today, I added in the extra half a pill to my pill boxes, and took an extra half shortly after I had taken my morning dose. Gotta do what you gotta do. I need to call the V.A. and see when my next appointments are. I haven't missed any, so far, but it has been tight sometimes. A doctor, dental, and the heart transplant clinic... for sure. Not sure about anything else.
I also need to call and cancel the gym membership. Once that ends out, I think a two month wait, I will begin looking for something else, something closer, something more secure. Either that or use that money for... something else. Something that will engage me in physical activity, even just once in a while. I am trying folks, but I can't afford to be ripped off of gas that heavily. Even if my vehicle was getting a quarter of the posted mileage I wouldn't be spending that much money for gasoline. That was insane.
Oh, well... A little rest, after this, with some music, and then... on to my day. Wish me luck? Good day.
.
Yeah, well. Life isn't quite up to par. I am just as deeply in the pits, just not so darkly. So I begin doing what I can with what I have.
Trash was taken out, and recycling. When I finished that I reset the dishes to a fresh hot rinse. Then I had to sit a bit. A long bit. Not sore, just not on track or able to keep on track.
I realized that thumbs and some other parts are sore. Too much fluid building up. I kept going with the lower doses of the water pill, in spite of my notions, but I am having to surrender to the realization that I simply need a higher dose. So, today, I added in the extra half a pill to my pill boxes, and took an extra half shortly after I had taken my morning dose. Gotta do what you gotta do. I need to call the V.A. and see when my next appointments are. I haven't missed any, so far, but it has been tight sometimes. A doctor, dental, and the heart transplant clinic... for sure. Not sure about anything else.
I also need to call and cancel the gym membership. Once that ends out, I think a two month wait, I will begin looking for something else, something closer, something more secure. Either that or use that money for... something else. Something that will engage me in physical activity, even just once in a while. I am trying folks, but I can't afford to be ripped off of gas that heavily. Even if my vehicle was getting a quarter of the posted mileage I wouldn't be spending that much money for gasoline. That was insane.
Oh, well... A little rest, after this, with some music, and then... on to my day. Wish me luck? Good day.
Oh, trash day.
.
.
And I must wake. I've been up for a couple of hours. Almost waking at midnight, but pushing for a bit more sleep this time. Oh but that was nice. For the most part I have been, or it seems like it, cutting sleep. To be on the downhill side of flipping my day and nights is a generous gift. I set the alarm so as to make sure I get trash collected, and out, and recycling for as little as their is. Oh, and when I finish that, I will re-rinse the dishes that are done. Yeah... I realize there are more to do, now, as I have used some in the interim. Still, what I have done is the bulk. And, with them out of the way, I will set the remainder to soak and hope to have that done before too long at all.
.
And I must wake. I've been up for a couple of hours. Almost waking at midnight, but pushing for a bit more sleep this time. Oh but that was nice. For the most part I have been, or it seems like it, cutting sleep. To be on the downhill side of flipping my day and nights is a generous gift. I set the alarm so as to make sure I get trash collected, and out, and recycling for as little as their is. Oh, and when I finish that, I will re-rinse the dishes that are done. Yeah... I realize there are more to do, now, as I have used some in the interim. Still, what I have done is the bulk. And, with them out of the way, I will set the remainder to soak and hope to have that done before too long at all.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Up for 19.
.
.
It's enough. I have, or am about to, develop my sleep and wake cycles back to night and day. It's a rough road to walk. But with medicine leveling out, and doing it's thing, and even if I am floating and drifting, life is coming together.
Small thing, but I did finish washing the dishes tonight. They are in a rinse, but I will finish them when I wake. Too tired right now. Perhaps I will get to a few other things while I am at it. Kitty litter has been kept up. And, with it being a feast time, the girls have been getting an extra can of food every other day, until Christmas is done. There will be Easter, though, and some other holidays to celebrate this way. Hey, cats are... people too? Well, they have almost as much claim as I do.
Sleep well, figure out life in your dreams, sweet, sour, or savory as they may be. I think I shall dream of the drudgeries of marital... bliss. Hey, it's a dirty job but... call me Joe the Plumber. ;) Well, just a wanna be, a never was, a never will be, or... a miracle waiting to happen? Yes, I... I think it might be real. Even should it happen, I won't have seen it coming, even being... pretty sure it will. I don't deserve it. And I don't mean that the way some women folk might think, up front. But then, on the flip side, we all know I do deserve it. *Oh my! I never! Yes you did! :p*
*my bad!*
Good night.
.
It's enough. I have, or am about to, develop my sleep and wake cycles back to night and day. It's a rough road to walk. But with medicine leveling out, and doing it's thing, and even if I am floating and drifting, life is coming together.
Small thing, but I did finish washing the dishes tonight. They are in a rinse, but I will finish them when I wake. Too tired right now. Perhaps I will get to a few other things while I am at it. Kitty litter has been kept up. And, with it being a feast time, the girls have been getting an extra can of food every other day, until Christmas is done. There will be Easter, though, and some other holidays to celebrate this way. Hey, cats are... people too? Well, they have almost as much claim as I do.
Sleep well, figure out life in your dreams, sweet, sour, or savory as they may be. I think I shall dream of the drudgeries of marital... bliss. Hey, it's a dirty job but... call me Joe the Plumber. ;) Well, just a wanna be, a never was, a never will be, or... a miracle waiting to happen? Yes, I... I think it might be real. Even should it happen, I won't have seen it coming, even being... pretty sure it will. I don't deserve it. And I don't mean that the way some women folk might think, up front. But then, on the flip side, we all know I do deserve it. *Oh my! I never! Yes you did! :p*
*my bad!*
Good night.
Odd thoughts.
.
.
Mix and match, new and old, questionable all. Doubt if you must. I do. But don't doubt who I serve, wrong or right myself, God is never wrong. And, in Him, neither are we... if only in the end.
.
Mix and match, new and old, questionable all. Doubt if you must. I do. But don't doubt who I serve, wrong or right myself, God is never wrong. And, in Him, neither are we... if only in the end.
Maybe an extended Christmas...
.
.
is what the doctor should have prescribed? I am solidly on half doses of carvedilol, the rest is at full dose. Insulin is up to 35 cc per day, taken at bedtime. My weight is about 274, but on a lower dose of the water pill. Yeah, I finally got the scale out and set up. Quite a nice one, actually. My blood sugar was at 177. Not great, but it beats the 280-350 range it was at. Oh, and that surprises me. I have stopped using any sweetener, and eat very little carbs otherwise anyway. Splenda was fine, but the cost, at $10 for five pounds, was untenable. So... I go without. If I want sweet, from time to time, regular sugar. It will just be quite rare. But my blood pressure amazed me. It was right at 134/92 or so! Pulse was a little high, but I had been chasing the meat squirrels for fun and exercise before I remembered to take my stats.
Yes, I said it. I now call cats meat squirrels! Enjoy! I do. *meow*
I am adrift, still. There is little I can push or pull. And I still have to upgrade medicines. Yeah, I could stop here, but there are reasons even I agree on going a little further with medication. If I can stay on it for two years straight, then I will begin wanting to check function and consider reducing levels. But for now, and for a while, this is the best policy. Later.
.
is what the doctor should have prescribed? I am solidly on half doses of carvedilol, the rest is at full dose. Insulin is up to 35 cc per day, taken at bedtime. My weight is about 274, but on a lower dose of the water pill. Yeah, I finally got the scale out and set up. Quite a nice one, actually. My blood sugar was at 177. Not great, but it beats the 280-350 range it was at. Oh, and that surprises me. I have stopped using any sweetener, and eat very little carbs otherwise anyway. Splenda was fine, but the cost, at $10 for five pounds, was untenable. So... I go without. If I want sweet, from time to time, regular sugar. It will just be quite rare. But my blood pressure amazed me. It was right at 134/92 or so! Pulse was a little high, but I had been chasing the meat squirrels for fun and exercise before I remembered to take my stats.
Yes, I said it. I now call cats meat squirrels! Enjoy! I do. *meow*
I am adrift, still. There is little I can push or pull. And I still have to upgrade medicines. Yeah, I could stop here, but there are reasons even I agree on going a little further with medication. If I can stay on it for two years straight, then I will begin wanting to check function and consider reducing levels. But for now, and for a while, this is the best policy. Later.
Curious? Are you sure?
.
.
If "they" didn't do this, then I did, somehow, natively. I honestly don't know. I only know that when I see this stuff that it is very familiar. Not necessarily a tank, mind you. Not this or that. I just know these areas. And it seems that I wasn't alone in them. Someone was there, usually, when I was introduced, in any case. Perhaps just family, perhaps friends, maybe my lovers at the times. But it doesn't seem like that.
.
If "they" didn't do this, then I did, somehow, natively. I honestly don't know. I only know that when I see this stuff that it is very familiar. Not necessarily a tank, mind you. Not this or that. I just know these areas. And it seems that I wasn't alone in them. Someone was there, usually, when I was introduced, in any case. Perhaps just family, perhaps friends, maybe my lovers at the times. But it doesn't seem like that.
Fathers...
.
.
How many of you have dealt with father-in-laws, or potential ones? Something I never thought about until I was visited by them last night. Four that I remember but I think there were others. Ever been chased off by a potential f-i-l? That's my point. For all of my problems I was not only not chased off... I was welcomed, encouraged. Even when I deserted, the hope was that I might... come back. It was as if they desperately hoped I would take their little girl home. Why? You can tell when a father wants that. He acts almost as giddy as she does, but in a manly way. He becomes furtive, secretive, you see... much... going through his mind. Again, why?
I had... forgotten these things until that dream let me see not just one incident, which is easy to set aside, ignore as delusion, denounce as a mischaracterization. But all of them, end on end, right in front of me... being able to compare and contrast? No, no doubts. Disturbing. Especially when seeing some things in these days.
I don't understand. I doubt if I can understand unless I become a father of a daughter as she approaches that age, the age of consent, of marriage. I can imagine, but only imagine, what goes through his mind, heart, even soul. Why would I receive... approval. They had to know of my history. Men know about other men, much like women know about other women, roughly. Women know a vamp, a tramp, and a hussy, when they see one. Men know a womanizer. Then again... I'm not sure what Desert Cat thought. But he is somewhat unique. This isn't quite his area. Still, if he were commenting here, now is a time I would be curious if he sensed anything.
I know, it's still Christmas. But the dreams, memories really, intense. Those fathers were like squirrels in a rush to store up before winter hit. They didn't want to get involved, to push, or pull, or block, or even encourage other than a very general allowance and otherwise hands off, just... watching... with some hope... It always scared the heck out of me. That much energy, pent up like that, in a man, can be extremely dangerous. I was a fighter, I know what that can present as. But it wasn't directed, exactly, at me. Like a ref at a wrestling match or something. Yeah, that's what it also brings to mind... highschool wrestling, not the fake crap. Odd how we forget things that terrify us? No, again, I didn't feel threatened by the fathers, just... didn't know what they were doing and had never seen men so... alive, involved... real. Save in prep for war, but as if among their brothers in arms.
Never mind. I don't even know what it all means, save that... I am seeing it again, if to a lesser degree. Might be the number. I have always targeted younger daughters in the family scheme. This one is the oldest. Perhaps fathers get more intense with the last of their daughters? Dunno, dunno. Spooky.
.
How many of you have dealt with father-in-laws, or potential ones? Something I never thought about until I was visited by them last night. Four that I remember but I think there were others. Ever been chased off by a potential f-i-l? That's my point. For all of my problems I was not only not chased off... I was welcomed, encouraged. Even when I deserted, the hope was that I might... come back. It was as if they desperately hoped I would take their little girl home. Why? You can tell when a father wants that. He acts almost as giddy as she does, but in a manly way. He becomes furtive, secretive, you see... much... going through his mind. Again, why?
I had... forgotten these things until that dream let me see not just one incident, which is easy to set aside, ignore as delusion, denounce as a mischaracterization. But all of them, end on end, right in front of me... being able to compare and contrast? No, no doubts. Disturbing. Especially when seeing some things in these days.
I don't understand. I doubt if I can understand unless I become a father of a daughter as she approaches that age, the age of consent, of marriage. I can imagine, but only imagine, what goes through his mind, heart, even soul. Why would I receive... approval. They had to know of my history. Men know about other men, much like women know about other women, roughly. Women know a vamp, a tramp, and a hussy, when they see one. Men know a womanizer. Then again... I'm not sure what Desert Cat thought. But he is somewhat unique. This isn't quite his area. Still, if he were commenting here, now is a time I would be curious if he sensed anything.
I know, it's still Christmas. But the dreams, memories really, intense. Those fathers were like squirrels in a rush to store up before winter hit. They didn't want to get involved, to push, or pull, or block, or even encourage other than a very general allowance and otherwise hands off, just... watching... with some hope... It always scared the heck out of me. That much energy, pent up like that, in a man, can be extremely dangerous. I was a fighter, I know what that can present as. But it wasn't directed, exactly, at me. Like a ref at a wrestling match or something. Yeah, that's what it also brings to mind... highschool wrestling, not the fake crap. Odd how we forget things that terrify us? No, again, I didn't feel threatened by the fathers, just... didn't know what they were doing and had never seen men so... alive, involved... real. Save in prep for war, but as if among their brothers in arms.
Never mind. I don't even know what it all means, save that... I am seeing it again, if to a lesser degree. Might be the number. I have always targeted younger daughters in the family scheme. This one is the oldest. Perhaps fathers get more intense with the last of their daughters? Dunno, dunno. Spooky.
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