.
.
It is so odd, but when I work, when I function, I do. And it is so darned easy. I want to do something and it gets done. I can be sick and still do what I intend to do without fuss, muss, or bother. Thought translates directly to action and action leads to completion. Why it is sometimes so easy, essentially what most of you do every day, I do not know. Why it becomes so very disrupted I cannot say either. It just does. There is no secret path around it. Only Ritalin ever helped, and that tentatively, mostly, sort of... Still, today was an on day, for the most part.
I am definitely still feeling buggy. Either this evening, while I try to sleep, or in the morning, I am going to have one of those buggy bm's. Though the felines, for whatever reason, like visiting me in the 'lou', I have some doubts if they will stay when this come out. I am hoping it takes the bug stuff with it. The fever is lessened, it is just a pastel of the bright red it started as. The headache was mostly treated with aspirin, the stomach is still moody and the feel of it suggest that a sick bm is coming. The arms are feeling better too. A little shortness of breath, though, oddly.
They keep asking if I am short of breath. Well, no. What about if you lay on your back or go up a flight of steps? Actually, I use the stairs often, and since I am always on the verge of being late and many of my clinics are on the fourth floor, I can attest to the fact that I can do four floors without a hitch. Heck, I never lose my breath or feel the need to catch it when I reach my clinic. Though sometimes I do have a quick catch, though I attribute that more to worry about being late than anything physical. How odd that I am this out of shape and yet, not. Now, I cannot do sprints. But I can walk at a pace most people need to jog to maintain, and do so when I have a bit of distance to cover. Actually, I usually walk at a high pace. Odd, truly.
Well, good night. I wanted to stay up another hour, and I stretched writing this, but my stretch has ended. Sleep well, I am pretty sure I will. If that stupid bm will wait or hurry, anyway. Bah!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I think the "flu" is lifting.
.
.
Then again, with me, there are usually reverberations of the illness, sometimes for days or weeks. I do not get as ill, or as often, as most. Once every four or five years I hit it big though. What I am going through is rather typical. A day or two of fever and a few other symptoms, coming in waves, then usually all but gone after that time. I am not worried about the preservative, actually. It is what is in the boosters themselves that I am never sure about. If I were strongly into conspiracy theories, I would be looking at that closely. Alien mind control, I would say. Fortunately, I do not believe in aliens or that we have mass mind control capacity. Communist countries would never change if so. I am sure they have tried. I wonder how many were murdered to disappear the facts?
Sam and Sassy have been enjoying having pop-o back. More attention, milk a bit more often, and less grump. Their food has always been fairly well tended, and their litter boxes too, for the most part. A few slides on that last recently, but... The smell gets to me even through the fog of exhaustion. They do work to bring me out of things. And, even when grumpy, they do not fear me. Bah! What good is being an ogre if you cannot even frighten a kitten! Ah, but it is good too.
Dinner, a real one, home made, and shortly. I did have an orange julius this morning, two raw eggs beaten into orange juice with a little vanilla extract (and some sugar, hush it is a rare thing). I did not feel like eating anything else, the system did not seem interested if it could have handled it. But now I am hungry. Chicken, carrots, and something... Hmm, might be a good time to make a batch of rice. Yeah, that would work.
Well, just blathering today. Illness, or more fever, tends to do that to me. Though I have those tendencies anyway so it does not take much. Later.
.
Then again, with me, there are usually reverberations of the illness, sometimes for days or weeks. I do not get as ill, or as often, as most. Once every four or five years I hit it big though. What I am going through is rather typical. A day or two of fever and a few other symptoms, coming in waves, then usually all but gone after that time. I am not worried about the preservative, actually. It is what is in the boosters themselves that I am never sure about. If I were strongly into conspiracy theories, I would be looking at that closely. Alien mind control, I would say. Fortunately, I do not believe in aliens or that we have mass mind control capacity. Communist countries would never change if so. I am sure they have tried. I wonder how many were murdered to disappear the facts?
Sam and Sassy have been enjoying having pop-o back. More attention, milk a bit more often, and less grump. Their food has always been fairly well tended, and their litter boxes too, for the most part. A few slides on that last recently, but... The smell gets to me even through the fog of exhaustion. They do work to bring me out of things. And, even when grumpy, they do not fear me. Bah! What good is being an ogre if you cannot even frighten a kitten! Ah, but it is good too.
Dinner, a real one, home made, and shortly. I did have an orange julius this morning, two raw eggs beaten into orange juice with a little vanilla extract (and some sugar, hush it is a rare thing). I did not feel like eating anything else, the system did not seem interested if it could have handled it. But now I am hungry. Chicken, carrots, and something... Hmm, might be a good time to make a batch of rice. Yeah, that would work.
Well, just blathering today. Illness, or more fever, tends to do that to me. Though I have those tendencies anyway so it does not take much. Later.
Not just sore arms.
.
.
A grand headache, a bit of a heavy stomach, a mild fever, throbbing neck glands, and a bit of a sour note to the day greeted me when waking this morning. You just have to love booster shots. There are even slight heart palpitations. I am surprised they would give these considering my blood pressure puts me at imminent risk of heart attack and stroke. Then again, medicine is not really medicine, as we would like to think of it. It is a bunch of people doing their own little things with little interaction, foresight, or planning. The cynicism I see there is beyond contempt.
Given that most of the doctors I am seeing are women, and most of the medical I receive is more bureaucratic than scientific, I cannot but suspect that is all that can be expected. All you have to do is look at the studies regarding critical thinking and women, understand that medicine is purely about the patient, understand that emotion has little place in the medical field, and realize the gig is up. I hate to say it, but that is just the way it is. Until feminism is conquered within or from our fall, all things are going to become this way. Feminism will kill me, but I die knowing it is doomed. I guess that is enough.
I must be honest though, when I broke, I was pretty sure it was not something that could be fixed. Even animals know when they are doomed, and many have the capacity to stop eating and go away to die. I was unable to stop eating well enough or for long enough to die, so suicide was the logical next step. Given the cynicism of medicine, I am truly surprised they bothered to bring me back. I am guessing it had more to do with the doctor trying to defeat death and prove his 'godhood' than it had to do with healing a patient. Or, at least, medicine tries to be blind to who it heals as much as modern law tries to ignore as much as possible when delivering "justice". I live in a failed society, though that is nothing new.
Frustrated, every time I go there, of course. Still, I am pleased to have had a chance to find redemption. I am happy to live even this secluded, partial, odd life I have left to me. I suppose I am more frustrated that now that I have it and now that I have seen medicine can actually help, that now medicine has turned away from what did work. Or at least it worked better than anything I have ever seen in 20 years of a gimped life. I almost had a half of a full life and my blood pressure was down to 140's over 90's. That was not good enough for them, so now nothing is considered better by them. You have to see my frustration. I have considered taking matters into my own hands. As I have said, however, I know that will lead to very bad things. I cannot reliably self medicate. I have to have oversight, oversight I can trust. As I would kill to save another from damaging their soul further on this plain, I would die rather than see myself become a monster.
Well, back to tinkering. At least I was able to wake this morning. And I will probably do some more in the kitchen, finish laundry, and do a few other things. Small things, but they are the world to me. Just a little function. It is not all I want, but I will take the little gifts as I may. Good day.
.
A grand headache, a bit of a heavy stomach, a mild fever, throbbing neck glands, and a bit of a sour note to the day greeted me when waking this morning. You just have to love booster shots. There are even slight heart palpitations. I am surprised they would give these considering my blood pressure puts me at imminent risk of heart attack and stroke. Then again, medicine is not really medicine, as we would like to think of it. It is a bunch of people doing their own little things with little interaction, foresight, or planning. The cynicism I see there is beyond contempt.
Given that most of the doctors I am seeing are women, and most of the medical I receive is more bureaucratic than scientific, I cannot but suspect that is all that can be expected. All you have to do is look at the studies regarding critical thinking and women, understand that medicine is purely about the patient, understand that emotion has little place in the medical field, and realize the gig is up. I hate to say it, but that is just the way it is. Until feminism is conquered within or from our fall, all things are going to become this way. Feminism will kill me, but I die knowing it is doomed. I guess that is enough.
I must be honest though, when I broke, I was pretty sure it was not something that could be fixed. Even animals know when they are doomed, and many have the capacity to stop eating and go away to die. I was unable to stop eating well enough or for long enough to die, so suicide was the logical next step. Given the cynicism of medicine, I am truly surprised they bothered to bring me back. I am guessing it had more to do with the doctor trying to defeat death and prove his 'godhood' than it had to do with healing a patient. Or, at least, medicine tries to be blind to who it heals as much as modern law tries to ignore as much as possible when delivering "justice". I live in a failed society, though that is nothing new.
Frustrated, every time I go there, of course. Still, I am pleased to have had a chance to find redemption. I am happy to live even this secluded, partial, odd life I have left to me. I suppose I am more frustrated that now that I have it and now that I have seen medicine can actually help, that now medicine has turned away from what did work. Or at least it worked better than anything I have ever seen in 20 years of a gimped life. I almost had a half of a full life and my blood pressure was down to 140's over 90's. That was not good enough for them, so now nothing is considered better by them. You have to see my frustration. I have considered taking matters into my own hands. As I have said, however, I know that will lead to very bad things. I cannot reliably self medicate. I have to have oversight, oversight I can trust. As I would kill to save another from damaging their soul further on this plain, I would die rather than see myself become a monster.
Well, back to tinkering. At least I was able to wake this morning. And I will probably do some more in the kitchen, finish laundry, and do a few other things. Small things, but they are the world to me. Just a little function. It is not all I want, but I will take the little gifts as I may. Good day.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Both arms.
.
.
Not satisfied with giving me one shot, I got two. A flu shot and a multi-immunization. Tb, whooping cough, and something else. Those needles go in a long way. And, of course, both arms are sore. Of course. The doctor I visited was just another primary care. Told me the same thing every doctor and nurse practitioner I have seen here has said. Sadly, I think it is scrubs again. Something about, just take your pills and be happy. And, your exhaustion is due to psychological issues. After suggesting that the happy pills do not work and that I cannot take the hbp pills, she just rinsed and repeated. They have no ears. Do they cut these doctors out of styrofoam, each exact in every way? No worries. I did do some blood work, after all. Thankfully there was no need for fasting. And, I will, now, take do the 24 hour urinalysis. High salt until I begin the thing Sunday, and throughout that day. So, really, no good news.
I did check with the clinics (available) that I missed to reschedule. I see psych on Monday, Renal was not available to visit (only exists on Tuesdays), and I tried to reschedule the MIR on one of my organs or other but they could not do so without an okay from Renal. Okay. But I did what I could.
I have figured out what mania, or my mania, actually is. It comes down to the fact that I had to try so hard just to stay awake that, when I was not "down", and I could not just turn off the drive, I would... become manic. Since I pulled back and just let things happen, I have not had mania. Oh, and being off "anti-depressants" has helped a great deal as well. Those things are nuts when not depressed. And, whatever else I am, I am not depressed. I simply do not function. Well, that is my story. Further, I am pretty sure it is correct.
I told this doctor, as I have told others, the problems are not psychological. If for no other reason than that medicines do not work. They can hit a symptom from time to time, but they do not treat the cause. The blood work I did and urinalysis is supposed to be an actual examination of the physical, looking for problems in a number of areas. Oh, this doctor asked if they had not done a solid physical check when I first became ill. I said no. I was suicidal so was branded a psych problem, medical was bypassed completely. (Why would someone who just lost their career and ability to simply wake up and function typically not be suicidal, by the way? Normal response to an abnormal situation, at least to my thinking.)
I did call my friend as I was heading into Logan. He was happy to go out for a bit. I did some grocery shopping, then, as I said, went to that Mexican eatery. He had a meal I would not have contemplated, mango shrimp. That is the second meal he has had there that has knocked his socks off and he is still twitchy about eating that food. For my part, shrimp ceviche and steak fajitas. There is no room for desert, for either of us. Then I let him off at his place, scooted on home, gave the feline terrors some milk, tinkered to relax, doing this, now to bed.
Good night!
.
Not satisfied with giving me one shot, I got two. A flu shot and a multi-immunization. Tb, whooping cough, and something else. Those needles go in a long way. And, of course, both arms are sore. Of course. The doctor I visited was just another primary care. Told me the same thing every doctor and nurse practitioner I have seen here has said. Sadly, I think it is scrubs again. Something about, just take your pills and be happy. And, your exhaustion is due to psychological issues. After suggesting that the happy pills do not work and that I cannot take the hbp pills, she just rinsed and repeated. They have no ears. Do they cut these doctors out of styrofoam, each exact in every way? No worries. I did do some blood work, after all. Thankfully there was no need for fasting. And, I will, now, take do the 24 hour urinalysis. High salt until I begin the thing Sunday, and throughout that day. So, really, no good news.
I did check with the clinics (available) that I missed to reschedule. I see psych on Monday, Renal was not available to visit (only exists on Tuesdays), and I tried to reschedule the MIR on one of my organs or other but they could not do so without an okay from Renal. Okay. But I did what I could.
I have figured out what mania, or my mania, actually is. It comes down to the fact that I had to try so hard just to stay awake that, when I was not "down", and I could not just turn off the drive, I would... become manic. Since I pulled back and just let things happen, I have not had mania. Oh, and being off "anti-depressants" has helped a great deal as well. Those things are nuts when not depressed. And, whatever else I am, I am not depressed. I simply do not function. Well, that is my story. Further, I am pretty sure it is correct.
I told this doctor, as I have told others, the problems are not psychological. If for no other reason than that medicines do not work. They can hit a symptom from time to time, but they do not treat the cause. The blood work I did and urinalysis is supposed to be an actual examination of the physical, looking for problems in a number of areas. Oh, this doctor asked if they had not done a solid physical check when I first became ill. I said no. I was suicidal so was branded a psych problem, medical was bypassed completely. (Why would someone who just lost their career and ability to simply wake up and function typically not be suicidal, by the way? Normal response to an abnormal situation, at least to my thinking.)
I did call my friend as I was heading into Logan. He was happy to go out for a bit. I did some grocery shopping, then, as I said, went to that Mexican eatery. He had a meal I would not have contemplated, mango shrimp. That is the second meal he has had there that has knocked his socks off and he is still twitchy about eating that food. For my part, shrimp ceviche and steak fajitas. There is no room for desert, for either of us. Then I let him off at his place, scooted on home, gave the feline terrors some milk, tinkered to relax, doing this, now to bed.
Good night!
Without a hitch.
.
.
Nice, or as the kids say, noice! Things are being tended, the laundry should be ready by the time I take my shower. Coffee has been going, on my second pot which will mostly go into my thermos for the trip. I called and found that I will not be having blood work, so I will be grabbing a spot to eat on the way. And, it looks like I will be doing just fine on time, though I will ask the restaurant to be zippy if they can. A shower, some clothes folded or hung up, another load in the dryer and wash, a meal, and I should be back by mid-afternoon.
Shopping and a meal on the way home. If I am not too terribly tired, I may call my friend on my way into town and ask him if he wants to join me. However, I will not dither on where I am interested in eating. Hmm, though I will offer to pay his way. I have sorely neglected that friendship, food and free food more so, might help to smooth the edges. Life and friendship is like that.
Anyway, just wanted to "Woot!" on my way. Dang it is nice when it all works as proposed! Later. Oh, have a good day.
.
Nice, or as the kids say, noice! Things are being tended, the laundry should be ready by the time I take my shower. Coffee has been going, on my second pot which will mostly go into my thermos for the trip. I called and found that I will not be having blood work, so I will be grabbing a spot to eat on the way. And, it looks like I will be doing just fine on time, though I will ask the restaurant to be zippy if they can. A shower, some clothes folded or hung up, another load in the dryer and wash, a meal, and I should be back by mid-afternoon.
Shopping and a meal on the way home. If I am not too terribly tired, I may call my friend on my way into town and ask him if he wants to join me. However, I will not dither on where I am interested in eating. Hmm, though I will offer to pay his way. I have sorely neglected that friendship, food and free food more so, might help to smooth the edges. Life and friendship is like that.
Anyway, just wanted to "Woot!" on my way. Dang it is nice when it all works as proposed! Later. Oh, have a good day.
After a gradual chipping away...
.
.
I am up before the sun. I already have a fresh load in the washer, the dryer is working on last nights last wash, and I have fresh socks for my SLC run. More, I am going to try and kick out another load or two of dishes. The kitty litter boxes are refreshed and it is my intent to keep it that way. Today, tomorrow, or Sunday, I will give the place a better than rough sweep, and then mop. Another window is here, though I have been working at both getting it and then laying the groundwork for keeping it.
I dreamed of women last night. I have some idea of what indians must have dreamed when they dreamed of buffalo. Herds of women roamed my dreams and caused all sorts of headaches, hiccups, joys, and tomfoolery. To say it was a stiff night would be an understatement. I resisted and resisted and disparaged the notion. This morning, out of harsh need, I strangled the thing like a spring chicken, twice. Just waking up, probably should not have written that, but thar she blows. No, no, puns sneak in all on their own.
I am hoping to get those two loads dry, another load in the wash (which will be the whole lot, so not too bad), get a shower and trim or shave the beard, then head for breakfast. Oh, I had best call to see if they want blood tests, and if so whether they want them fasting. Simply put, I do not remember what was which. A shower was taken last night, and will be taken again today. The shower today should be nothing but refreshing.
I did not make it to the store last night. I often over schedule, more so the more I am doing and capable of doing. I have some kind of notion that being in three places at once, and busy in each place, is possible. Well, innit? Well, no. It isnnit. Ha. What I did yesterday was good though, and I am hoping to do the shopping on the way home. I will offer myself the treat of a meal at my favorite Mexican restaurant if I have 3 gallons of milk, a fifth of a beef, and some other things in my auto, once it is in there. Yeah.
Oh, in my dreams, I was asked by a women if I actually could love a woman. Of course, I suggested. Albeit, I told her, that love will not be how she expects or always what she expects, nor will it even be in the form that I might dreamily fantasize (not the sexual here, that is it's own animal and tends itself... of course, and from my experience my animal side does a good job). No, I can love, deal with, and as my part of it works, manage a woman quite well.
I am a bit hot about my guild in my WoW. They put together a group for dungeons last night, a guild group. Instead of taking the people who have put time into gearing their toons, leveling, and taking the hard knocks of learning their skill and doing random pickup games (pugs) in normal and heroic mode, they took their old friends. So be it. For me, it means looking for another guild. Or, perhaps, rolling my own though that would be more a long term thing I am not so interested in. If I had not been working with and for the guild a lot lately, I could even oversee that a bit. But I have been doing guild runs for lesser achieves, I have been helping other toons (characters) in the guild with this and that, and I have been working my toon heavily. They have lost a potentially excellent member. They did not even bother to tell me that the group was full. They just filled it, went, and left several of us hanging for over a half hour. Rude.
Well, on to a bit of tinkering while the drier dries, the washer washes, and pop-o and kittehs take in the full spectrum of consciousness, life, and each other... Oh... here, kitteh, kitteh, kitteh... Bah, she is being funny today and Sam is like I usually am in the morning. I ought to offer her some morning coffee too. Later.
.
I am up before the sun. I already have a fresh load in the washer, the dryer is working on last nights last wash, and I have fresh socks for my SLC run. More, I am going to try and kick out another load or two of dishes. The kitty litter boxes are refreshed and it is my intent to keep it that way. Today, tomorrow, or Sunday, I will give the place a better than rough sweep, and then mop. Another window is here, though I have been working at both getting it and then laying the groundwork for keeping it.
I dreamed of women last night. I have some idea of what indians must have dreamed when they dreamed of buffalo. Herds of women roamed my dreams and caused all sorts of headaches, hiccups, joys, and tomfoolery. To say it was a stiff night would be an understatement. I resisted and resisted and disparaged the notion. This morning, out of harsh need, I strangled the thing like a spring chicken, twice. Just waking up, probably should not have written that, but thar she blows. No, no, puns sneak in all on their own.
I am hoping to get those two loads dry, another load in the wash (which will be the whole lot, so not too bad), get a shower and trim or shave the beard, then head for breakfast. Oh, I had best call to see if they want blood tests, and if so whether they want them fasting. Simply put, I do not remember what was which. A shower was taken last night, and will be taken again today. The shower today should be nothing but refreshing.
I did not make it to the store last night. I often over schedule, more so the more I am doing and capable of doing. I have some kind of notion that being in three places at once, and busy in each place, is possible. Well, innit? Well, no. It isnnit. Ha. What I did yesterday was good though, and I am hoping to do the shopping on the way home. I will offer myself the treat of a meal at my favorite Mexican restaurant if I have 3 gallons of milk, a fifth of a beef, and some other things in my auto, once it is in there. Yeah.
Oh, in my dreams, I was asked by a women if I actually could love a woman. Of course, I suggested. Albeit, I told her, that love will not be how she expects or always what she expects, nor will it even be in the form that I might dreamily fantasize (not the sexual here, that is it's own animal and tends itself... of course, and from my experience my animal side does a good job). No, I can love, deal with, and as my part of it works, manage a woman quite well.
I am a bit hot about my guild in my WoW. They put together a group for dungeons last night, a guild group. Instead of taking the people who have put time into gearing their toons, leveling, and taking the hard knocks of learning their skill and doing random pickup games (pugs) in normal and heroic mode, they took their old friends. So be it. For me, it means looking for another guild. Or, perhaps, rolling my own though that would be more a long term thing I am not so interested in. If I had not been working with and for the guild a lot lately, I could even oversee that a bit. But I have been doing guild runs for lesser achieves, I have been helping other toons (characters) in the guild with this and that, and I have been working my toon heavily. They have lost a potentially excellent member. They did not even bother to tell me that the group was full. They just filled it, went, and left several of us hanging for over a half hour. Rude.
Well, on to a bit of tinkering while the drier dries, the washer washes, and pop-o and kittehs take in the full spectrum of consciousness, life, and each other... Oh... here, kitteh, kitteh, kitteh... Bah, she is being funny today and Sam is like I usually am in the morning. I ought to offer her some morning coffee too. Later.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
A bit more, and more to do.
.
.
Dishes are dragging on, but being done a bit at a time. I have mostly pots and pans left. Ugh! When all else fails, grunt. I will do another batch or two yet tonight. As well, laundry is on the menu. I need clean clothes for my trip tomorrow. And, one last thing. A shopping trip. Milk is a needed commodity, as is meat. Both of which are missing in my home. The one pot that is clean will be used to make rice tomorrow. If I get enough other pots tonight, I might make a batch of beans as well, starting the soaking process before I go to bed. My appointment is early afternoon, so I should be good for it. All of that is already underway, so I have high hopes. The kitchen was even swept and a few other minor details tended... in a rough for now sort of way.
In my recent dreams, I have been looking at people. Mostly watching as they, and myself, make decisions. There are intricacies and personal tastes, but these usually are not compelling enough to cover for really poor decision making. If there is something that can at least be given some blame, it is that people really are overwhelmed by choices, moral imperatives, and details of how life is supposed to be but is not, leaving us gasping for just a bit of peace and quiet. When one side is not poking you in the eye, another is kicking you in the shins, and there seem to be an infinite number of sides, none of which you are on or on well enough not to get poked in the eye. Just a bit of thought.
Well, back to it. Actually, I am mid-cycle on everything so I get to tinker for about an hour. Good night.
.
Dishes are dragging on, but being done a bit at a time. I have mostly pots and pans left. Ugh! When all else fails, grunt. I will do another batch or two yet tonight. As well, laundry is on the menu. I need clean clothes for my trip tomorrow. And, one last thing. A shopping trip. Milk is a needed commodity, as is meat. Both of which are missing in my home. The one pot that is clean will be used to make rice tomorrow. If I get enough other pots tonight, I might make a batch of beans as well, starting the soaking process before I go to bed. My appointment is early afternoon, so I should be good for it. All of that is already underway, so I have high hopes. The kitchen was even swept and a few other minor details tended... in a rough for now sort of way.
In my recent dreams, I have been looking at people. Mostly watching as they, and myself, make decisions. There are intricacies and personal tastes, but these usually are not compelling enough to cover for really poor decision making. If there is something that can at least be given some blame, it is that people really are overwhelmed by choices, moral imperatives, and details of how life is supposed to be but is not, leaving us gasping for just a bit of peace and quiet. When one side is not poking you in the eye, another is kicking you in the shins, and there seem to be an infinite number of sides, none of which you are on or on well enough not to get poked in the eye. Just a bit of thought.
Well, back to it. Actually, I am mid-cycle on everything so I get to tinker for about an hour. Good night.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Pushing it.
.
.
Maybe a little too hard. I do that when I can. A good dinner, more dishes done on balance, and a shove toward a regular day to night schedule. I am twitching, mind you. Staying up way later than I wanted for the second day in a row has left me a bit out of it. But that is what has to be done. No pain no sleep no gain. Ouch, and I mean that.
Tomorrow I do hope to finish the dishes, do a few loads of laundry, and sweep a bit. Nothing much... Just more. Friday is my drive to SLC. A thing I never really look forward to doing. Something I want to do, though, and need to do, probably. My mother called. One of her dear friends, someone who visited every day, died. It is being called a massive heart attach, though she has other suspicions... if natural as well. When you are poor, they just guess and bury you. Unless you live near a "learning college", in which case they process you like a beef carcass. I, from knowing him, am sure that being ignored was the better part of things. I worry about her when certain people die. I will, as I promised her, pray for his soul. But I will pray for her too. As people age, they lose more and more. Old hurts come back. The ghosts can become all they know. The world becomes smaller. So, I pray.
Have a good night. Sleep well and all that jazz. I know I will sleep like a dead man.
.
Maybe a little too hard. I do that when I can. A good dinner, more dishes done on balance, and a shove toward a regular day to night schedule. I am twitching, mind you. Staying up way later than I wanted for the second day in a row has left me a bit out of it. But that is what has to be done. No pain no sleep no gain. Ouch, and I mean that.
Tomorrow I do hope to finish the dishes, do a few loads of laundry, and sweep a bit. Nothing much... Just more. Friday is my drive to SLC. A thing I never really look forward to doing. Something I want to do, though, and need to do, probably. My mother called. One of her dear friends, someone who visited every day, died. It is being called a massive heart attach, though she has other suspicions... if natural as well. When you are poor, they just guess and bury you. Unless you live near a "learning college", in which case they process you like a beef carcass. I, from knowing him, am sure that being ignored was the better part of things. I worry about her when certain people die. I will, as I promised her, pray for his soul. But I will pray for her too. As people age, they lose more and more. Old hurts come back. The ghosts can become all they know. The world becomes smaller. So, I pray.
Have a good night. Sleep well and all that jazz. I know I will sleep like a dead man.
Speaking of chuck roast...
.
.
I think I will just make me one. No, not for one sitting. I suspect it will last three meals and maybe a snack. It has been a while since I cooked. The dishes were in the way. I have done three fourths of them, and have the last batch soaking. They have been soaking for a bit. So, while the roast cooks, the cats fight, and the world spins, I might just finish those dishes. Once done, I may then begin my beans and rice regimen again. I know, it is plain. But it is easy, works in batches, and ensures I have something solid to eat even on days when nothing is working. A little milk and the micro revive rice and beans, together or apart. Add some meat to one or either and it's a feast. Butter, milk, sweetener, or salt, pepper, and spice make for some variety. And, after eating those things for so long, I am still not tired of them. Well, on to it I suppose.
I have an appointment Friday. It was supposed to be last week, but I rescheduled. I had some kind of stomach issue, that along with my sleep problems, made getting there beyond my ability. It is with the people who will oversee a medical plan for my high blood pressure. Since the doctors ignore what they just agreed to do (or not do), I need someone who can and will shut them down. I missed psychology too, but will reschedule that. They may actually hold a piece of the puzzle if they are not too twittery about it. It depends on what sort of therapy they have in mind, as I said.
Well, on to supper. Have a great day.
.
I think I will just make me one. No, not for one sitting. I suspect it will last three meals and maybe a snack. It has been a while since I cooked. The dishes were in the way. I have done three fourths of them, and have the last batch soaking. They have been soaking for a bit. So, while the roast cooks, the cats fight, and the world spins, I might just finish those dishes. Once done, I may then begin my beans and rice regimen again. I know, it is plain. But it is easy, works in batches, and ensures I have something solid to eat even on days when nothing is working. A little milk and the micro revive rice and beans, together or apart. Add some meat to one or either and it's a feast. Butter, milk, sweetener, or salt, pepper, and spice make for some variety. And, after eating those things for so long, I am still not tired of them. Well, on to it I suppose.
I have an appointment Friday. It was supposed to be last week, but I rescheduled. I had some kind of stomach issue, that along with my sleep problems, made getting there beyond my ability. It is with the people who will oversee a medical plan for my high blood pressure. Since the doctors ignore what they just agreed to do (or not do), I need someone who can and will shut them down. I missed psychology too, but will reschedule that. They may actually hold a piece of the puzzle if they are not too twittery about it. It depends on what sort of therapy they have in mind, as I said.
Well, on to supper. Have a great day.
Cats, by the way, are three quarters insane.
.
.
The last quarter is mostly feral, with just a spice of civility as a cover to the mad little book which they are. They do not need a reason to do anything, nor do they usually look for a reason. Sassy, especially, just makes up reasons to attack the curtains. Why, they are there, are they not? Reason enough to be sure, if you are a cat. Sam is still insane, she just does not feel the need to always act on it. With her, like when she vomits in my room and waits for access to sneak in and do so, there is a reason. Passive-aggressive grudges are the reason there. Even if she is just protesting her lack of access to the room. Which, under any logical criteria, would seem to undermine her cause. Then again, socialist humans are even worse so I will not castigate if I will make sure she has no access for even longer.
Humans are some of the most interesting creatures to watch, though I do enjoy my cats I know they do not actually make most of their decisions. Cats act on instinct. That instinct can be nurtured or castigated but never completely changed. Humans, on the other hand, have the capacity to decide, are armed with all of the tools by which to make decisions, and yet most often will choose poorly. I remember, as a child, being first a victim then the culprit in the scheme to trade littler kids a nickle for a dime, since the dime was smaller and the nickle so much larger... or selling the rights to feed, walk, water, and in all other manner manage my dog for a week's allowance... but I retained ownership (a sister, for three weeks, until our parents found out).
Adults seem very little better at these things. Including myself, though I am working on one part of it and some of that was sort of necessity. Oh, what is that? Credit cards, or really debt of any kind. How much you pay in interest is often double, triple, and more than what the item you purchase was worth. And, the worth of items goes up, at least initially, to cover demand. And, demand keeps increasing as debt is eased. So, you are paying more and more for less and less and never getting out of that hole. I do know people who owe more than I could pay off in a lifetime who make far less than myself. My house, sure. The rest is being slowly paid down. One gone last month. I did incur more, but needed lawnmower, weed whip, and a few other things. Need was not negotiable and other options (in my opinion) would have ended up costing more in both cash and headache (buying used, unless you know what you are doing, is foolish... the nickle for the dime thing).
Then again, there are people who should know, by now, that Democrats are purely against the constitution and the bill of rights. Republicans might not be always for them or with them, but they are not specifically against them. And yet, they keep voting for people who are exactly against everything the people are screeching about being the problem. They pick strawmen as their real enemies and ignore the only people with the power to make any real changes. My mother thinks it is the rich people taking away her rights. She is a smoker, and was (is) furious about losing the right to smoke in bars, for example. She continues to elect the very people who take away what she wants while screeching about the rich... I do not know... getting ahead? Yeah, something like that. Ignore, pull plunger, screech. Okies...
Well, I am about done being annoying, so will go back to doing something no one cares about. Still trying to figure out how to get going. That last window did close, but I got ahead and have made plans for when the next window appears. A bit at a time I will crawl out of this damned hole. Probably only to fall harshly back into another, but... that is life, or at least my life. This, unfortunately, is not a choice. I have no choice in this matter, save to keep trying or give up and move to a nursing home or something. Bah! It is all good. Later.
.
The last quarter is mostly feral, with just a spice of civility as a cover to the mad little book which they are. They do not need a reason to do anything, nor do they usually look for a reason. Sassy, especially, just makes up reasons to attack the curtains. Why, they are there, are they not? Reason enough to be sure, if you are a cat. Sam is still insane, she just does not feel the need to always act on it. With her, like when she vomits in my room and waits for access to sneak in and do so, there is a reason. Passive-aggressive grudges are the reason there. Even if she is just protesting her lack of access to the room. Which, under any logical criteria, would seem to undermine her cause. Then again, socialist humans are even worse so I will not castigate if I will make sure she has no access for even longer.
Humans are some of the most interesting creatures to watch, though I do enjoy my cats I know they do not actually make most of their decisions. Cats act on instinct. That instinct can be nurtured or castigated but never completely changed. Humans, on the other hand, have the capacity to decide, are armed with all of the tools by which to make decisions, and yet most often will choose poorly. I remember, as a child, being first a victim then the culprit in the scheme to trade littler kids a nickle for a dime, since the dime was smaller and the nickle so much larger... or selling the rights to feed, walk, water, and in all other manner manage my dog for a week's allowance... but I retained ownership (a sister, for three weeks, until our parents found out).
Adults seem very little better at these things. Including myself, though I am working on one part of it and some of that was sort of necessity. Oh, what is that? Credit cards, or really debt of any kind. How much you pay in interest is often double, triple, and more than what the item you purchase was worth. And, the worth of items goes up, at least initially, to cover demand. And, demand keeps increasing as debt is eased. So, you are paying more and more for less and less and never getting out of that hole. I do know people who owe more than I could pay off in a lifetime who make far less than myself. My house, sure. The rest is being slowly paid down. One gone last month. I did incur more, but needed lawnmower, weed whip, and a few other things. Need was not negotiable and other options (in my opinion) would have ended up costing more in both cash and headache (buying used, unless you know what you are doing, is foolish... the nickle for the dime thing).
Then again, there are people who should know, by now, that Democrats are purely against the constitution and the bill of rights. Republicans might not be always for them or with them, but they are not specifically against them. And yet, they keep voting for people who are exactly against everything the people are screeching about being the problem. They pick strawmen as their real enemies and ignore the only people with the power to make any real changes. My mother thinks it is the rich people taking away her rights. She is a smoker, and was (is) furious about losing the right to smoke in bars, for example. She continues to elect the very people who take away what she wants while screeching about the rich... I do not know... getting ahead? Yeah, something like that. Ignore, pull plunger, screech. Okies...
Well, I am about done being annoying, so will go back to doing something no one cares about. Still trying to figure out how to get going. That last window did close, but I got ahead and have made plans for when the next window appears. A bit at a time I will crawl out of this damned hole. Probably only to fall harshly back into another, but... that is life, or at least my life. This, unfortunately, is not a choice. I have no choice in this matter, save to keep trying or give up and move to a nursing home or something. Bah! It is all good. Later.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I thought it might work.
.
.
I keep seeing little windows of opportunity, places where I might begin to dig out of this world of concrete ether I am entombed within. I tried again today. Oh, by the way, yes, I do have to see and sense opportunity or I will not struggle myself bloody and half insane attempting to do the undoable. Today was the day. So, I... prepared coffee, lots of it. I had not touched the stuff for a bit, part of my preparation for the next chance to escape. And drink I did. I would guess three and a half pots of coffee went down my tubes. Strong coffee, four to five dosers of beans went into the hopper per pot. And, it did make me wide awake. Wired, I think, would be a better term for that. I was able to do things in game I did not imagine where possible. But my bottom stayed glued to my chair. The one thing it did was allow me to stay up until 18:30. My record for the past couple of weeks had been 14:00. I needed a bit of a nap, and am just awake to have a bite to eat then hopefully back in bed in a few hours. Trying to swing my days and nights around again. In other words, it was all fireworks and no fire. But wow was it zippy fireworks!
Not much else going on. Waiting on supper, then a bit of tinkering, then back to bed. I will set the alarm for 8 hours after whatever time I eventually go to sleep. I think my days have gotten longer, is the problem, staying awake full 18 to 22 hours, then sleeping for 8 to 10. So, my sleep, at this point, is not inordinate considering the time up. When I sleep, I sleep hard and well. When awake, within my capacity, I function pretty fully. I just do not know how to back it off or push forward, I guess. Anywhile, supper is beeping at me. Some timers are nice to hear. Good... night.
.
I keep seeing little windows of opportunity, places where I might begin to dig out of this world of concrete ether I am entombed within. I tried again today. Oh, by the way, yes, I do have to see and sense opportunity or I will not struggle myself bloody and half insane attempting to do the undoable. Today was the day. So, I... prepared coffee, lots of it. I had not touched the stuff for a bit, part of my preparation for the next chance to escape. And drink I did. I would guess three and a half pots of coffee went down my tubes. Strong coffee, four to five dosers of beans went into the hopper per pot. And, it did make me wide awake. Wired, I think, would be a better term for that. I was able to do things in game I did not imagine where possible. But my bottom stayed glued to my chair. The one thing it did was allow me to stay up until 18:30. My record for the past couple of weeks had been 14:00. I needed a bit of a nap, and am just awake to have a bite to eat then hopefully back in bed in a few hours. Trying to swing my days and nights around again. In other words, it was all fireworks and no fire. But wow was it zippy fireworks!
Not much else going on. Waiting on supper, then a bit of tinkering, then back to bed. I will set the alarm for 8 hours after whatever time I eventually go to sleep. I think my days have gotten longer, is the problem, staying awake full 18 to 22 hours, then sleeping for 8 to 10. So, my sleep, at this point, is not inordinate considering the time up. When I sleep, I sleep hard and well. When awake, within my capacity, I function pretty fully. I just do not know how to back it off or push forward, I guess. Anywhile, supper is beeping at me. Some timers are nice to hear. Good... night.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Actually, I think, I am losing weight again.
.
.
How, you might ask? None of your d... Oh, right, I DID start it. In the past, I would often go without eating for large periods of time, anywhere from eating once to a day to eating three times a week or less. But those meals were huge. The problem with fasting large periods of time, only to feast, is that the body then holds on to every drop of calorie it can, in the form of fat. If I did not gain weight, my body did maintain right at 300 pounds for years that way. I have been eating two meals a day. They have been relatively light, a 4 egg and cup and a half of cheese type omelet for breakfast and a couple cups of stew for dinner, for example. My mornings and afternoons are, again, on the swing, but I do have a relative morning and afternoon, so I space my meals. Then again, my stomach is getting used to being fed regularly and, just like the cats, lets me know when it is dinner time. (If I sleep a little long, Sassy will knock a book or game set over to wake me, finding that trouncing popa and trying direct strategy can have... unintended consequences... *grab* *wrowrrr!* *fling* *thud* Sorry, but I have little control at some points in pseudo consciousness.)
Anyway, eating two medium caloried meals a day is all it is taking. My gut, sometimes sadly to me, is dying... but not of starvation. Darn it, that was the only thing I have that was truly bought, paid for and then some! Still, I do not mind seeing it go. I remember when I could pinch an inch, but that pinch was over steel. Never could lose that last bit, but at 6'4", 240, benching 550, I was wearing size 31 waist. Yeah, so shut it. I know what a man can be, and lose. I will never be there again, but I did have a zenith like few men ever will. Sad, to think back on that and then look in the mirror, especially being crippled. Actually, it used to cause rage in me, which would push me to manic attempts to... walk. *sigh* That... did not help. Age and wisdom have allowed me to just remember and enjoy having had such a time. Still, losing some of that gut is not all bad to me.
Well, just waking up so I will get on with that. Good... well, day.
.
How, you might ask? None of your d... Oh, right, I DID start it. In the past, I would often go without eating for large periods of time, anywhere from eating once to a day to eating three times a week or less. But those meals were huge. The problem with fasting large periods of time, only to feast, is that the body then holds on to every drop of calorie it can, in the form of fat. If I did not gain weight, my body did maintain right at 300 pounds for years that way. I have been eating two meals a day. They have been relatively light, a 4 egg and cup and a half of cheese type omelet for breakfast and a couple cups of stew for dinner, for example. My mornings and afternoons are, again, on the swing, but I do have a relative morning and afternoon, so I space my meals. Then again, my stomach is getting used to being fed regularly and, just like the cats, lets me know when it is dinner time. (If I sleep a little long, Sassy will knock a book or game set over to wake me, finding that trouncing popa and trying direct strategy can have... unintended consequences... *grab* *wrowrrr!* *fling* *thud* Sorry, but I have little control at some points in pseudo consciousness.)
Anyway, eating two medium caloried meals a day is all it is taking. My gut, sometimes sadly to me, is dying... but not of starvation. Darn it, that was the only thing I have that was truly bought, paid for and then some! Still, I do not mind seeing it go. I remember when I could pinch an inch, but that pinch was over steel. Never could lose that last bit, but at 6'4", 240, benching 550, I was wearing size 31 waist. Yeah, so shut it. I know what a man can be, and lose. I will never be there again, but I did have a zenith like few men ever will. Sad, to think back on that and then look in the mirror, especially being crippled. Actually, it used to cause rage in me, which would push me to manic attempts to... walk. *sigh* That... did not help. Age and wisdom have allowed me to just remember and enjoy having had such a time. Still, losing some of that gut is not all bad to me.
Well, just waking up so I will get on with that. Good... well, day.
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