Murder, but done.

.
.
I really did have to push to get out.  Then I had to push every step of the way, in each store.  Usually, when I get out, it just clicks.  Not this time.  I had to concentrate to speak, my breath was a bit shallow, I felt generally overheated and a bit confused.  I suppose I simply had to start somewhere.  It looks like I was closer to the bottom than I thought.

I was able to check my lists, and keep on track, pretty much.  First to HD, as the plumber supply store was closed... Noon on Saturdays, but being a holiday it might not have been open even so.  Then on to tobacco, which ended up being a bit complicated but, that's how it goes.  Then on to the grocery store.  There was no pork butt, that I could see, but I... found some other things that will do just fine.  I'll be keeping my eyes open for a sale on larger pork and beef roasts.  Those, in the smoker, with or without smoke, will feed me very well and for some time.  I probably bought a bit more than what I had bargained on.  No problem, it won't go to waste.  I did miss a few items, and I skipped some others, while a few weren't available.  I had no capacity to try another store.

Traffic was harsh, and bumper to bumper.  The stores were crowed.  It seemed extra warm today, warmer than I am used to for sure.  Not to worry.  I wasn't even grumpy on the roads.  I just slowed down and played bumper cars, minus the bumping.  Cogsville.  There wasn't much option.  Not sure if it isn't hot enough yet for a hot temper or if I was simply too tired to grump well.  Might as well chuckle at it.  I know, by now, I can't always change it.

A meal on the way home, everything put away, the auto put in the garage, and... A little celebration that, even if it was a major effort, I did, finally, get out. 

While it might take an hour or three to cool down, this is it.  Good night.

Not moving quickly, exactly.

.
.
It's already noon and I still haven't made it to town.  Oh, I do think I will make it.  After tinkering with that sink for an overlong and taxing period, it slowed me down.  And, well, the mousetrap took a bit longer than I had anticipated.  A simple chore, to be sure.  But... I wanted the can well rinsed, and that took a bit.  And then getting the wood for the gangways took a bit.  Everything just... took a while.  Not moving quickly, or feeling particularly energetic.  I don't care, mostly, so long as it got done.  I doubt if it will work.  I always doubt.  I'll know tomorrow.

Valves, first, and a couple of caps.  I know I have plumber's tape, and any tools I might need.  I wish they carried gumption, regular or spray, and maybe elbow grease.  That I'll have to supply it seems.  Then tobacco.  I'm out, and that isn't helping.  Finally, a bit of cream, milk, cabbage, and cole slaw makings, and a few odds and ends beyond, plus a pork roast.  Shouldn't take too long.  It's a holiday though, who knows if traffic will be jacked or calm...  It depends of if the kiddies go home more than stay, and that's dependent on weather, dad's checkbook and how mom feels, and how the kids feel about it all.  Hard to tell.  Well, and a bit, it depends on how many people have decided to go to the mountains for a break.  There are simply just so many paths in any direction, so gridlock can happen at the slightest of enlarged interest in travel.  I just can't see how four to six hours of bumper to bumper travel, or more, up, then back, could be... restful.  Meh...  I'll make it, either way.

Gosh.  I am definitely hoping for mice tomorrow.  If so, I'll know the thing works and I'll find out if Sassy is a real killer or just the powder puff she usually pretends.  I'm hoping for two, just in case Sassy knows her stuff.  I know Sam wouldn't mind... lending me a hand with the pests.  She is such a dear that way.  What is it... something about true friends is great, but true love will help dispose the bodies?  Well...  Something doomy like that. 

A bit more coffee then on into town.  And, yeah, I've been posting heavily in order to... try to push a trip to town through.  It's just what is required.  Or it can help, sometimes.  Something about an attempt at truth in advertising, borne to even the least of us.

Later.

Well, a bit.

.
.
I spent a goodly bit more time on removing a valve than I thought would be necessary.  It looks pretty rough, to boot.  There is another, but it doesn't look any better.  I think it would be more effort than worth to try to switch those over, only to change them out, probably, whether they work or not, later.  Just not worth the hassle.  I did find wire, grabbed a bucket, and am working on that.  That should be ready to go before I head out.  I just needed to sit for a bit.  Plumbing, even light stuff, when you have been rather down, tuckers a guy out.  Turning the nuts isn't hard, it's more trying to do that at various odd angles, hands above the head, and a few of dozens of turns per pull.  While I am going to buy valves for both the bathroom and the sink, I am going to simply buy caps to put into the bathroom for now.  I'll be tearing that all out so there is no use putting new fixtures in there until I am rebuilding.

Just the few things I have been doing are wiping me out.  The pain has hardened me, as if I had been working out, but strength like that doesn't really do much for stamina.  I'll just keep going with it.  I am going to have to push on through at some point, might as well start now, with pain mostly gone and greatly lessened, medicines on track, and everything ready for camping or hiking in the short run.  It'll work it's way out.  But, yeah, trips will take the wind out of my sales for a bit.  I have to try to improve that.  The thing is, no one, not docs, not other patients, no one seems to know just how much we 'short timers' can really do... at least without causing damage.  They push for us to do as much as possible, but... then cautious us severely.  I know I can only do so much, and then I can't do anything, for... some time.  I believe, from what I gather, as they won't really say, I am doing much more than they honestly expect... as little as that may seem.  Then again, when they found out the extent of my condition, they really thought I was going to die... in days, maybe a month.  They have put me in ER, twice, for blood pressure that was... less than my average for over the last decade.

I don't know.  I still want to push.  Not because of them, but because I want to do some things... sometimes just to do anything would be quite welcome.  Yeah, I'll keep pushing.  It's probably what has kept me out of a full care nursing facility, or death from the condition itself.  If that, also, isn't why I am doing it.  Some men just can't quit.  I can fail, I can fall, I just can't stop trying to get up.  Hmm... yeah...  In a half an hour I'll track down my drill and bits, drill a couple of holes, find a can and drill that too, find some peanut butter, then set it all up as I head to town.  Later.

A shower, maybe a trip to town.

.
.
It may seem odd that I can't get to much.  You just do things, right?  I suppose, if you are young and healthy.  Though I suspect poor memory covers that for the young as much as health interferes for some of us others.  I just think back, now, on those things I planned when young.  How many things just... never got done?  Many.  The only difference now is that I am aware of it.  True, the young and healthy can get more things done, but given that they often don't know what they are doing, I won't say, I would even directly suggest, they are less productive.  Oh, they don't understand, mind you.  Why isn't, say, moving two hundred 100 pound bags just as important as keeping everything stocked, figuring out the finances, and overseeing maintenance and all else... but while sitting in an air conditioned office?  Never mind, they won't understand until, or unless really, they end up sitting in that seat while some other fledgling breaks his back in the heat.

Now, I can't even do that.  I would, however, lay wages on a physical competition with the rest of those who have the medical potential to be on the heart transplant list.  A bit of perspective.  Actually, I would compare hand to hand with most men, regardless of age.  I can't beat the pros, but I can beat the average Joe as if he were standing still.  Try it sometime.  Don't blink.

Anyway.  I did get the shower taken, and am air drying.  I had another meal of brisket and potatoes.  I have enough brisket left for, maybe, two meals a day for two days, maybe three.  Cole slaw and bread of some sort might extend that.  And, I have decided, it being a holiday, to look for some other large cut of meat.  The preference is a pork butt.  Why they call the actually shoulder of pigs, butts, I will never know.  It does make me wonder what they call the actual butts?  I hate when I think such questions, then I have to do some research... or grumble my way to memory loss.  Valves, milk, cream, and maybe soda if I find some on sale.  And tobacco.  If I make it into town soon, I'll add coffee to my list.  Three pounds seems to last me a goodly while.  And freezing works well enough.  Refrigeration is terrible though.  If I don't have it in the freezer, I leave it on the counter.  Since I grind my own, that seems to do swell.

I'm still hoping to get to some of the projects, so as to make it in on Monday.  I'll call my friend tonight, and see if Monday will work for him, to get out.  Maybe tomorrow.  Yeah, I might be late, I might still miss a day, but having it scheduled... just sort of... pushes the event along, makes sure it happens sooner or later.  I'm about ready to begin sneaking out of the cave from time to time, now.  Or trying a bit harder.  Hmm...  Yeah...

Well, I am still hoping to set up the mousetrap, and pull off the valves to see if I can find one that will work in the short term.  I might get that done before I go... Or not.  Wish me luck?  Later.

Hmm... yes, mice persist.

.
.
No, I haven't bothered with traps, yet.  I can't use poison because of the girls, otherwise that would, in the house, be the first alternative.  If I could keep, for sure, the girls from getting to the poisoned mice, I might do that.  But it is too much of a risk.  More, I realized long ago that regular mice traps will catch a few, then the remaining will learn the trick and that will become useless.  I may still set some of those, and they are on the list.  However, I recently discovered a trap that might do much better.  I think I have a jar of peanut butter that is... about timed out.  So... rather than waste, why not share?  I've been thinking on the idea of mousetraps, just hadn't gotten there.

This is tech even a child, mostly, can do.  I suppose if a better wire cutter, or different type of wire, was used...  I have buckets, I am pretty sure I have some sort of wire, if not coat hangers, some other stuff.  If I don't have a can with a lid like that, I can improvise.  I know I have wood length remnants.  I might put the thing together tonight.  Why?  Because as screwy as things have been, I need a success.  Any success.  Even the little ones help.  More so if I can get to several successes.  So...  a mousetrap.

I won't use water in the bucket.  I know Sam is a mousekiller extraordinaire.  And I think Sassy has the... inclination.  I am simply not sure of Sassy's experience, or self confidence.  Anything caught will be used to train Sassy up to Mouskiller Fireman, though I'll be pushing to buck her up to Mousedestroyer 1st Class, or even chief, if I can.  Once that is done, any mouse caught will be... uhrm... gifts of Doom for my girls.  Maybe they'll ignore me not being handsome even more than they do!  :)

After that... I may go ahead and just pull the valves from the extra restroom, just to have the new r.o. system hooked up and have some idea of what size of hose I need to run the runoff to a tank, and figure out what length is required.  I will be in plumbing stores tomorrow, so I could check on a large tank and hose costs.  I just hate wasting, as low as water is and can be.  Though I'll have to check that, or get a depth alarm of some sort.  Well, and something that will allow me to use that water.  Complications, problems, solutions, sorting details, then on.  But that is life, or should be?

Later.

Up at midnight?

.
.
Yeah, I don't get it.  Oh, I tried to go back to sleep.  I'm sort of stuck with naps, of late.  Long naps, five to six hours, twice a day.  I am only staying awake, until yesterday, about 12 hours per shift.  Hmm... that is about exactly what we ran on submarines.  Only I don't have drills in two of my three sleep shifts.  Gah, but those were a bastard.  I do have the girls begging for food, always, though.  I am trying to feed them twice a day, and no more.  It is difficult to focus on that.  I would hook it to medicine, which I have been good at taking, but I take those... irregularly.  That wouldn't make them any happier.  They will survive.  They will just have to get used to being fed at odd times.

The hope, again, is to get out when the sun is up.  I may try to get a nap in at say 5:00 or 6:00.  I'd set an alarm for that but... an alarm will just mess that up.  I have to sort of mentally target that time.  If I can do it, I will set an alarm for noon, or early afternoon, and try to push my way into town.  If I can't nap, I may simply concentrate on getting a shower a few hours before wanting to head in.  It works, usually.

Dreams, dreams, and more dreams.  I haven't been able to keep them though.  The other night, something about squaring the universe... in a sort of literal way.  Don't ask, I just see.  I don't actually consciously design, nor always understand.  Just realize all matter is leaving where it was created at (at least) the speed of light.  Sure, they say nothing is faster than the speed of light, but they also have said many false things.  They say what they know and what they know is not much.  It is cut off by what they don't know.  Which... if you add hard sciences all together, is pretty much everything.  Because all of the sciences, the hard ones, put into one bag, comes out to zero or undefined...  Now... that is probably closer to the truth, but there... isn't a way to scientifically or mathematically cope with that.  Even infinite dimensions, that create through the variability of random phenomena, simply, writ in laymen's terms, means "God".  *grins*  See, now, that IS true, but it isn't scientific as in the way they have tried to define science.  Science, to many, if not most, professionally excludes God.  Which, in layman's terms, is false.  By their own numbers.  Still, you can't tell them much more than you can tell a woman.  But if she is a Godfearing woman, she doesn't need to understand and will abide...  Faith, what they lack, is what... well... they lack.  Never the mind.

Let me see, beside squaring the universe about it's center point... I think ending expansion and denying contraction, what else was there.  Ah, right... the number again.  A loss of one third of all men (men also indicates women and children, but they are lighter and fluffier).  Tearing down steel and brick with bare hands.  And burning the damned with the hellfire they think is theirs.  Hellfire is the Holy Spirit, not their tool, toy, or weapon.  It will confine them.  It isn't even a part of their suffering, save that it will define them as outside of God's graces.  I don't remember much else.  Tons of dreams though.  Not much detail remains, so I don't feel much, one way or the other. 

Hmm... On to a few other things.  Later.

The oddest thing.

.
.
I did go in to sleep.  I may have slept a bit.  Then I simply couldn't.  I've been awake all day.  Not doing a thing, but awake.  Oh well.  I should be able to sleep now, probably, hopefully.  Good night.

Geesh!

.
.
Several things, actually.  First, last time I looked, the clock said 9:03 or something.  Here it is, 11:14.  *Zap*  Although, the second accounts for it a bit.  I, lately, have been looking at what pages show up as having been read, then go take a look.  Sometimes they are directly related to what I am writing about.  Sometimes they have no relationship at all.  Sometimes I am stunned by how well, those who compare and contrast new posts with old posts, do in their efforts.  In any case, while reviewing what folks have been looking at, I stumbled onto a post I have long since forgotten.  I did put several labels on it, but labels I rarely, if ever, visit.  I know why, now.

Sometimes, in going back to review, I have to tread lightly.  There are things I can write, and tolerate dealing with, but only in moments.  If I forget about them, and let them slide back into the dark depths of the memory hole, and then I try to reconnect raw... without having found myself in that particular area and numb to the topic, I can yet get burned.  Oh, I see why others... have problems.  I do forget, that too, from time to time.  Numb, mostly, usually.

Wow.  It would seem I have, or have had, an awful life.  At least at first glance.  And it was, at times.  I have to add, however, that in the awfulness was goodness.  With the terrible bleakness was insurmountable hope.  In the sheer terror, blind fury, and horribly losses, there was sheer then true ecstasy, a deep kindness and gentle love, and great gains.  Nothing was for nothing, no loss without gain and sometimes greater gain.  I have lived a deep and full life, that finally has meaning.  But, yeah, I see why many back off.  It's okay to talk about a toe surgery.  It's okay to talk about a biking accident where minor scrapes were involved.  It is not okay to talk about a trip on the path to hell, several deaths, spiritual angst that others can feel even without empathy or sympathy involved, and such.  At least for most.  Most people have a hard time dealing with a bad haircut, or a flat tire, or toast that is unevenly crisped or too light.  Yeah, I get that.  Like I said, the... price... it's been worth it.  It hurts, sometimes, often lately, every day.  And it's still worth it.  Easy to miss through the trauma.

Anyway, yeah, I went back and... Okay...  I'm sort of in shock.  It's all true, I just wasn't quite on that wavelength.  And, so much of it, all at once.  Meh, most of you who read here are used to it by now.  I wasn't sure I should add a link.  Mostly music, really.  Didn't read too much, or don't remember it after the music.  Yeah, lots of vectors.  Lots of memories and thoughts tied up in there.  Yeah, well, I'll link it.  Here it is.  Don't say you haven't been warned.  Well, just do what I do... go through the shock, then deny it all.  Then take a nap and hope you don't dream your ass off!

What really kills me?  Some people truly hate what I write here.  Of those, half hate because they refuse to believe, the other half because they do believe.  *grins*  And... to the extent that I can't be sure?  I consider them both correct.  Oh... I shouldn't... play so.  And I definitely shouldn't enjoy, even more so.  What I can't figure out is why they continue to read.  Not my problem.  Just an entertainment return, for my part.

Yeah, no.  Not to town.  I actually found this earlier than even the 9ish clock spot, but... I got hooked.  Nothing like, when a fire is found, testing the fingers in it, over, and over, and over, and...  Bleh.  Later.  Hmm, no... good "night"... after I can unhitch.  S.O.B.!

Not waking well.

.
.
I'm in good shape, just sleepy, sleepier than usual.  It is a cool morning, though I don't think that is it.  It is simply that I am in a stage where I am mostly healed.  Pains persist, and a crankiness of body, but the majority of the storm is over.  After a large meal, or when waking up from a perfect sleep, something happens with healing that makes for a comfort zone.  I'm in that.  It's difficult to break out of it.  Oh, I'll get to something today.

I had thought to use one of the valves out of the spare bathroom.  But, as I recall, some of those didn't work.  I had planned to replace those as well.  So, rather than playing valve shower bingo, I think I will simply get to town.  More coffee is needed.  Actually, I only had one cup.  That will never do.  I simply couldn't, until just before this post, roust myself to make another pot.  Now just waiting on it.  A pot of coffee and three and an half hours in which to wake, might see me to town.  Perhaps a shower before too long as well.

A bit of grocery shopping, I have the list.  Tobacco to be sure, I am nearly out... last can I believe.  And then plumbing.  I may just stop at the plumber supply store first.  Nothing is open until 10:00, so I'll just drop in as they open.  I don't want to mess around and wait to call, often to talk to someone who doesn't know, can't look, is too busy.  While I am at it, I might as well pick up some new valves for the extra bathroom, since I know those will be required.  Oh, and probably a lunch before returning home.  Nothing fancy, just food.  Hmm, I might have potatoes and brisket for breakfast, first.  May not end up needing lunch, thought that isn't always the only reason to eat.  A meal a day is fine, but two seems fancy.

The coffee sounds done and I am hungry.  Later.

Slept like a rock.

.
.
I went to bed pretty much right after that last post.  I went in fast and hard.  I don't know if I ever got up, usually don't but that was a long sleep.  I know the girls were having fits, but they... played nice.  I heard someone at the front door.  But I didn't really wake from it for several hours.  And it just didn't really wake me.  I became aware as the sound eventually went past dreams and deep sleep.  Yeah, they were gone by the time I woke even enough to have realized what had happened.

Stiff and sore, as usual, as I wake.  This part is mellowing, day on day.  Medicines are going in very regularly, which I think helps.  A bite of food every day is a good thing.  And at least planning things has some benefits.  It is too late to get into town for any shopping.  However, waking at midnight means I have a decent shot at either making it through to shopping time and getting in, or taking a minor nap by 6:00 to 8:00 and then being awake later, but early enough, for a shopping trip.

I tied off the water hose from the water filter, right after waking, if not quite awake yet, then turned on the water in the basement.  The stop in the line seems to be working just fine.  So a shower is a sure bet.  And I'll just leave the water on, unless I head out.  I might get the dishes done and start some laundry.  Hmm... I have valves in the old bathroom that aren't being used.  I could try to transplant one of those until I can get into town.  I really want to find better valves, and I know where the plumber supply store is now.  A bit of calling before I go in, to see who carries, and has on hand, what, as far as valves go.  I don't have the juice to stop at three stores just looking for the right valves.

Well... on to waking and reading.  Nausea is a morning usual lately, so I will probably skip having a bite to eat until that levels out.  Eating usually levels that out, but it's not a fun way to work around it.  I only eat my way past nausea when I have to work so need the calories, but won't have the time later, or such.  And, if I am up to the challenge.  Neither are the case at the moment.  Later.

Yeah, I'm not going to make it to town.

.
.
I don't even want to try to block the line and turn the water off.  If it leaked in the meantime, there... more trouble.  And, yes, my luck is running that way.  Actually, I probably will tie it off.  Just in case the "good" valve fails.  Yeah, I could see that.  An abundance of caution means... very little.  But it's what I can do.  I'm done, down, and ready for bed.  Pain is back good and well, my eyes have been bleary for a while, that's that.  If I wake early enough this evening, I might yet be able to make it in to town for a few items.  I'll get to see, while showering if that all works out, whether the line will hold.  Meh, I'll probably turn the water back off right after showering...  Abundance of caution thing.  At least I can say I honestly tried.

Zapped, cooked, fried.  I didn't do much, mostly just ran out of time.  Many tasks are better arranged, and ready to go forward.  A few steps at a time.  A loop in there can really throw me.  Ah well.  I can hope for a good nap and and early enough rise to wake and shake it to town.  Good... nap.  It sure isn't night, and it's not really day, or at least good day doesn't work while I go in to sleep.  Never mind. 

Haiku - Seed

.
.
Serendipity us up.  It is no longer a contest, and the input is for two weeks.  However, it does end Monday, give or take.  I was... unsure about some things.  I did put a couple in.  I will be rather subdued, and I won't put up more than a poem page, for now, until...  I am more sure.  I haven't been doing really well, or on top of things, so this is what there is.

Beide

the truth of the seed

not an object, an idea

spring, not a time ~ life

poem from parents
written in code to windsong
released – doubtful hope

Okay. It was the valve.

.
.
A bit more tinkering and, yes, the valve is dead.  However, I do have a valve in the basement that does work, and was able to shut the water off there.  But I need a shower before going to town, so...  I'll have to figure out a way to shut off that water flow... of see if it will fit the...  No.  What works in the old system, even if it sort of fits the new system, just doesn't quite fit, for a number of reasons.  Hmm... I'll think on it as I take a bit of a breather.  One good reason to do it is to change out that faulty valve.  The other one on the t-intersect is fine.  Using that would be fine, save that I have no way to close off the faulty branch.  Hmm... having a bit more plumbing bits and baubles around wouldn't be a bad thing.  Not a plumbing warehouse, just odds and ends for the standard sizes.  Urhm, whatever standard means, really.  What, 1/4, 2/3 and or 5/8, and 1 inch?  Something like that.  A few valves, a few caps, perhaps a few quick connects?  But there is copper and, brass or steel or iron, at least I hope they are those, fittings.  Bleh.

Yeah, I can probably tie off that hose, bend it and tie or tape it.  That should work.  Then a shower, a bit of shopping with a new store in the lineup.  It's never easy, is it.  Yeah, a few extra valves for in the future.  Maybe a bit of research before I go, so as to know if there are more durable valves.  A little extra money is worth a lot less hassle.  Unfortunately, often, more money doesn't improve chances.  I'll look.

Later.

Alright, well, I'll see if THAT works.

.
.
I did a couple of things, including turning the water off and emptying the tank.  Okay.  But, what I thought was something, was, but it was... different.  The water shutoff is actually two shutoffs.  So... the tank refilled.  Fair enough.  Once I realized what was going on I turned off all the cold water.  Odd though.  The valve I shut off is the one that goes to the reverse osmosis system.  Hmm, unless there is something else odd in there...  Perhaps their is a leak from that shutoff.  Unfortunately, the only way to shut off this water, if the valve failed, is to turn off the whole house water.  Yeah, I really ought to put a valve down below.  Then again, all of these valves seems to have a high failure rate.  Used infrequently... what... they just fail through water flow degradation?  Doesn't make sense.  I'll give it another 15 minutes, if it is still flowing then, I'll... check some other things. 

Beyond that, I am not sure everything will work in a direct crossover, as I had hoped.  Even the drain, on this Sears system, seems to be proprietary.  Instead of a normal saddle, they have their own system hookup.  Still, I'll look closer.  It might fit, or be make to fit.  Or... I might simply be able to hook that discharge hose right to my new system.  Otherwise I'll have to install a saddle, which isn't a problem.  What would be a problem is figuring out how to remove this custom bit of fitting, replace it, or figure out how to close that hole.  Bleh.

On the good side, I like the way this one was engineered.  The faucet, which is the only problem with the old one, is not meant to nickle and $150 dollar the buyer.  It is meant to hook up once, hook up well and smartly and with a waterproof seal built in, and then never give any hassle.  Yes, I am liking this new system.  I appreciated the old system, functionally.  It's longevity, and the expense of replacement parts, simply made it a useless system.  I ought to tinker with it, take it apart and check through things, just to get a better idea of what these systems are and do.  Who knows, there might be little pieces and parts I might consider valuable.  Replacement tubes looked rather good on the old system, too.  If not as easy to replace as the new ones, at least they don't seem fragile to replace, as some systems are.  I never replaced the old filters, as it was a high volume, for a family of four to six.  I use lightly, even for one.  A pot of coffee a day, and not regularly.  The rare times I cook beans or make spaghetti.  Not much use, considering it was a 50-70 gallon per day unit.  But... it was about time, as I see things, for new filters.  So I just dumped now rather than spend as much, and just from what I could see, to fix the faucet as the new system cost.  Yeah... simple choice.  Only this time I shopped around long before pulling the trigger.

I really would like to get the water that would be normally dumped to go into a tank in the basement.  The water is still good, great for washing the body, or vehicles with a pump, or such.  It's not even bad for drinking, it just isn't as good.  I just hate wasting water.  I'll... figure something out, eventually.  I would have to purchase a large water tank and an extended hose of the right size, hook those up, and figure out how to move that water to where else I might want it.  Not good for the garden, though, since it has been softened.  Yes, I do think about these things.  But I can only do so much, so fast, and seem to be perpetually behind the curve.  Wee! 

Dang it.  Forgot to set the timer.  I'll just give it 15 more minutes.  Later.

Quite early.

.
.
Or late, if you prefer.  I'm never sure what to call the time, other than useable or dysfunctional.  It is looking like the time can be used.  I have moved more of the laundry into the washroom, reset the dishes in a fresh hot soak, and have cleared the cabinet under the sink and started draining the r.o. tank.  The focus will be on installing the new reverse osmosis system.  Though I believe I can get a load of laundry going before I tinker with the instructions, YouTube, and such.  I am hoping that, having an r.o. installed already, that the new install, even if a different system, will use many of the same sizes of tubes and connections.  If not, the differences should be slight.  I'll know shortly.

I have looked at the job, on YouTube.  It isn't terribly messy.  The instructions are more problematic, due to a bunch of distracting material, most of it useless.  CYA legal stuff.  "Don't stuff any of the hoses into your nose, and if you do, certainly do not turn the water on."  Yeah, okay.  Between lawyers and typeprinting unions, instructions have gone to hell.  Not that they have ever been great.  But at one time they were at least as useless, with half the visual calories.  YouTube can be your friend, anymore.

I am hoping that, in the doings and goings on, I will remain awake long enough to perhaps make it to town this morning.  No guarantees.  And I doubt if I will stop at every shop I wish to visit.  But if I get milk, cream, some sort of bread as while the brisket is good solo a bit of something something wouldn't hurt, and tobacco, I'll be set for a while.  I'd like to visit my friend, but this will be a dash and stash, if I make it, when I make it, this first time.  It's just not in the cards most likely.  I don't have the energy.  I am hoping, by Saturday, or next Monday at the latest, to have enough going to call and check on him.  A day out shooting, if I get a few thing set up and chores done here, might be a good thing.  That, hopefully, will set me up for a hike.  It's... all connected, and dependent on my choke points... energy, concentration, and sleep schedule.  Tricky.  But then I like rubics cube type things, when I can focus.

Oh, yes, I am feeling much better, for the moment.  When I start getting tired, the pain will appear again.  And after sleeping, my first hour or four can be a bit hairy.  But for now it's like I'm totally healed.  I bet the installation will fix that!  :)  As I've mentioned, if it isn't hurting, you probably aren't doing enough.

Later.

Back and forth on health.

.
.
Sometimes I am amazed that pain, stiffness, and nausea are all gone, and as quickly as improvement seems to come.  Then I hit a bad spell.  I have a greater range of movement before I hit pain.  And the pain center, while mainly constant, has also spread a bit.  The new area is the lowest of my back.  It's as if I fell on concrete, but a while ago.  Just an ache, from time to time.  And, following up through my back, as if I had slept wrong.  But that is just from time to time.  Nausea is easing up, in the worst moments, to just a mild... distaste.  Yeah, I'll be better quickly.  Doing what hurts, helps.  Arching the back, rotating the arms in their sockets, moving the shoulders from side to side, sometimes as groups of exercises, and sitting up straight most of the rest of the time, all help.  Though I think that spasm storm really set things right, somehow.

I've been napping in such a way as to move my nights and days around.  I woke at about 3:15~3:30 last night.  I am hoping to push on into the afternoon, maybe make it to town with my list, perhaps work on the bag and get that back into the rig.  I ought to empty out the Xterra while I am at it, so that I can take it in for a thorough detailing on the first, or thereabouts.  Then I can put the BMan, and maybe SMan stickers up.  I earned em'!  But, too, I really like having a clean vehicle.  I've been letting that slip lately.  If I can't keep my home up, at least my vehicle.

Yeah, it's odd what comes to my mind.  I know many think that I can't see, or that I am some sort of innocent.  Actually, I think some people are blind to themselves, they don't see what they are doing.  I do.  The motives and ideas people surrounding me have are as plain to see as this screen.  You have to let people figure things out though, on there own.  More so when the presentation is passive.  Few just come out and... say... what they think, their ill intent.  They simply align things.  I often wish I were simply a blind simpleton.   I do play the part quite well though.  And... I chuckle.  My dark side more than the other side.  Something about just how invisible that side really is, now.  Probably always was.  But, then, that is why I don't recommend folk abide me, but Him.  Some things never quite die.

Alright, I've just got to face it.

.
.
These trips absolutely wipe me out.  It will always take a fairly long time to recover.  At least several months.  That being said, the difference between being wiped and normal... isn't all that much.  At least as normals have been running.  It isn't just packing, or just the drive, or just the proximity to many, or the camping.  It's everything combined.  I may still go to one, year dependent, at the very least after this year.  I sort of wish the main one was in spring.  It may simply be more difficult to recover as winter rolls in.  I'm not the most gentle task master.  Yes, yes, you think I just indulgently allow myself to sit and rest and sleep.  You don't understand.  The reason I'm not in a nursing home, being attended night and day, imprisoned,  and trucked down with slow down and happy pills to keep me in place, is because I drive my mostly dead carcass like a banshee.  Even, or I should say especially, in these down times.  Because you don't see it doesn't mean it is not happening.

This back thing did not help.  But, honestly, I don't think it hurt all that much extra.  I was going to be down anyway.  The small work out wasn't the thing, just a small use of resources that simply aren't building back up quickly.  Then again, that doesn't mean I am not going to continue trying to get out to hike or bike or camp.  All it means is... it won't be as easy as I thought.  It won't be as often as I had hoped.  Though I might, over time, be able to pack more into a day.  A humble car camp might be doable more often, unless, while out there, I also go for hikes.  It is just the way it is.  I ramp to redline, then maintain that over the whole time of trips.  Which is good, but...  it isn't highly repeatable. 

Two naps a day, at about five hours each, seems to be what my body is demanding and taking.  Some naps I can lay just right, most find me off kilter and unable to find kilter.  It may have nothing to do with my position though.  Waking with a slight ache and a minor headache, both which usually lessen, often disappearing but not always, through the wake cycle.  I'd like to tell my body and how it is doing not to be a certain dwarf, but another instead, at the moment.  Don't be Grumpy... be Sneezy!  And blow.  Don't come back until your clear.  But, not really much choice.

I just wish I could get to something.  I'm sort of stuck.  Later.

It always amazes me.

.
.
I've been... honest about my past.  The various stages I have gone through, the things I have done and may have done.  Some of the reasons for some of the shifts.  And I have been as honest as I can be about where I am.  Folk just don't always believe, or they want to test, or this or that.  No skin off my nose.  It honestly doesn't bother me.  Never was good at going along, and my failings are mine.

I started out rather rough.  I tried to find God, to understand Him and what He wanted.  I saw too much too fast to believe that what He wanted was possible.  I saw men and women having affairs, out of wedlock and many other sorts of propriety, I had my own before I knew it was wrong.  I saw thefts, and not just the punks on the streets.  Bankers, businessmen, and men who had "enough" wealth that they had no reason to steal.  I saw corruption at every level of life, in many ways, and from the very people who were supposed to be the examples.  Sometimes they tried to hide it, sometimes they flaunted it.  I saw, either way, and understood from a very young age.

So I tried to become the generic "good guy".  I knew stealing was wrong, so didn't do it, save by need.  A slippery slope that one, as they all are, when we add but a single qualification.  But basically I kept clean.  One woman... at a time... usually.  And only women I wanted.  Then no wives.  Then more limitations over time.  I never have understood the guys who will take whatever lines up to them.  I don't care if they are supermodels, or whatever trips a particular man's trigger.  It always, always, had to be my way or no way.  Even so I was a busy man that way.  Until I met her.  And lost... everything.  I don't know if I changed or... matured... into a darkness.

More dreams.

.
.
Not a single, seemingly all night dream, last night.  There were several major and a few minor dreams.  I tried to remember the second major dream, but it eluded me.  As did all of the minor dreams.  One moment, at a time of mild consciousness, I was recalling the dreams, putting them in order, and then there was nothing.  Gone.  If I can keep one trace of the memory, a face, a place, a notion of what is happening even on a smaller stage, a conversation, I can bring it all, or most of it, back.  Nothing remained with which  to pull memory into line.

The dream I do remember was in the desert at night.  Sand dunes, an assault on a desert camp.  The dream never did get into the actual attack.  It was about getting to location, coordinating the attack within our group and then with the other two groups, and assessing the camp.  The oddness, too, simply of never having been in such a place, or done such a thing, before.  There were some foreign operators in our groups.  Training, their own recon, data sharing, the experience, lots of reasons.  Mostly officers, and technically to just be there.  But nobody is "just there".  So, they were used as emergency fallback point defenders, communication monitors, and a few other things.  Just some little terrorist camp, one of dozens, but one which had gone beyond the planning stages and had begun taking in certain supplies, setting up their operators, and preparing for an attack.  Back then, and maybe even now, we knew.

My back is still out.  Headache comes and goes.  I slept long and couldn't do much about it.  It is improving, just not quite perfect yet.  Still, as I suggested, by the end of the week I should be back in order.  And, if I can get to it, I will still go out for a hike, get to town, or whatever else.  It will be rocky, no matter, even still, for a while.  But the pain is pretty much gone, unless I stretch... which I have to continue doing.  Oh, and a bit of nausea, from the back being out... just... so.  But I am back on medicines and I have food arranged for a bit.  Further, with that grill at the ready, food will not be a problem again.  I can even used my cast skillet out on it.  That works quite well.  By the way, those lint, egg carton, and paraffin fire starters work superbly!  One of those, lit with a match, had the coals hot and fired, set in a little hole in the middle, in ten minutes or less.  Absolutely amazing stuff.  I am pretty sure it could have been misting and that stuff would have been fine if you could light it.  You don't need tinder, then little sticks, then bigger sticks.  Just put this in with the logs or bigger sticks, piled to burn well. Maybe set it on a base log.  Excellent!

Well... on to waking up.  Yeah, I slept all day.  Could not wake.  Tried several times.  Just could not do more than a bathroom run.  Later.

Okay.

.
.
The pain is completely gone.  That spasm storm must have reset everything.  It became a plate sized sore after that, then continued to shrink.  A saucer, then a cup, then a nail, and finally...  Gone.  Still with just a touch of the fever I discussed.  Ah well.  It was something, for a while.  I would like to get into town, but I don't think today is the day.  While the pain faded, it has left me rather tired.  Of course, three meals in a day probably adds to weariness.  Ah well.  I'm getting there.  I'll just put the meat up and sleep for a bit.  With the naps, I usually don't need to sleep a usual shift.  Then again, I never do know.  Oh, there might still be pain.  But my threshold is... nearly unholy.  I don't feel it when it goes below some level.  That has some good things and bad things associated with it.

No, I didn't tear into the bag.  I started, twice, give or take.  Just... got lost in the notion before it happened.  It's on the menu.  Good night.

Two chicken meals in a row?

.
.
Three, actually?  And, you know my thoughts on chicken?  Well, I may have to change that view.  The neighbors provided an excellent chicken dinner yesterday, then at least equaled it with an chicken enchilada meal tonight.  The sides of various fruits and vegetables... and you know how I feel about those!... Amazing.  And, then, this evening, I put MORE chicken into the lineup.  I grilled hindquarters.  I wasn't sure about them, they smelled just a little funny.  So... I cooked em' dead then turned them a couple of times.  Worked for me.  As far as chicken and myself go, that was one of my finest fowl moments.  Not as good as her stuff, mind you.  She has sides and stuff.  But for me, this was it.  After the chicken, I put in lumps of apple wood and the brisket on the grate.  It got done a little faster than I thought it would, so it might be a little over done, to my tastes.  I'm giving it twenty minutes to rest and then I'll figure that out.  I'll have to watch the thermo a bit closer next time.  Still, I doubt if I could be too unhappy.

I had thought the brisket would take several more hours.  Hmm, perhaps the pork took so long because it was bone in.  Yeah...  Well, and pork is cooked to a higher temp.  There is that.  I wasn't adding this all in when moving forward.  Afterthought, wonderful for those occasions where you might otherwise just intone "hmmm", and shake your head?  Yep.  If it tastes good I don't mind.  It got into the mid 150's.  Which I suppose is fine.   I'll know soon enough.

After I crack that open and taste a slice or three, I'll take some time to digest that and then get the pack ready for travel.  I think it's mostly pretty well set up.  There are just a few things I want to make sure are present, and maybe relocate them if they have been moved.  Fire stuff, for example, goes in one specific location.  Oh, the shemagh I lent out needs to be put in the right place.  There are probably a few other things to be replaced, relocated, added, or subtracted.  It has to be right, every time.  I am gaming it as if what I carried would mean the difference between life and death.  And, in time, it might well do just that.  Tighten up now, not out there when everything is already going wrong, eh?

Oh, that meat smells good!  Even after chicken.  I think I can, I think I can.  Oh... well... I know I can.  :)  Later.

--------

I must have messed around doing other things between setting the timer and writing.  As I finished writing the alarm went off.  Now, I cut into the thinner part.  Which was a bit overdone, but not too terribly.  It should be a fine bit of meat for the week.  Just have to let it cool down, then wrap it.  Hmm, I best check the horse radish, make sure it's fresh enough.  This is one of those things that goes good with it.

The pain is nearly gone.

.
.
Odd.  As pains end, I go through a minor fever.  It's how I know.  There is still a pain, about the size of a nail, and as if driven in.  But as if that had been done some time ago.  The fever is... something else.  Perhaps a decrease in the level of natural painkiller solution?  It's not like a regular fever, more like a body fever, emanating from the source of the distress.  I can't be absolutely sure that the suffering is finished, just that at least my body thinks at least a major decrease in dosage is warranted.  My body has to... get used to being without whatever the stuff is.  Bleh.  Now I'll have to go out and make a new pain.  :)  Then again, I would rather have aching muscles from working, or hiking, than a silly sprained shoulder blade.  I've only had three of those in my life, I would guess.  But they are memorable.

I have been trucked down a bit lately.  I was hoping the pain would... get me going.  It has not done as well as I had hoped.  Oh, I have tried to get to more.  But confusion comes flooding in and I end up... sitting... looking at a screen, drifting, listening to music.  So, to switch things up a bit, I'm going to get the grill going.  Sure, it's 2:00, here.  But... and?  I have chicken thighs, freshly thawed, that can go in at higher heat.  And I want higher heat to get the thing going.  Then I have a brisket that I thawed as well.  Love me some slow cooked brisket.  I might even experiment with the softer smoking woods... apple or cherry.  I have both.  And, should I make it to town tomorrow, as an incentive, I will pick up some buns or bread or some such.  Hmm, you know what would go really well with brisket?  Cole slaw, with carrots and currants or dried sour cherries.  I did say I dreamed of beef.  No flowers, but beef will do.

Hmm...  After I get the grill and chicken going, I'll dig into my pack, and get that ready.  After I get the smoker to the temp I want it, then I'll probably tinker around in the garage.  I really ought to get the weights going.  I just want rubber mats for under it, to protect the concrete.  I've been looking.  That stuff isn't cheap, but...  It's... doable... this month or next.  When I first moved in, and looked, what I saw available was... well out of my league.  I am not sure if new stuff has come onto the market, prices have dropped, or I see more clearly and more options.  Rolls of the stuff, say two 4'x7 1/2', would give me a nice tidy little work out area.  Chipping concrete is not a happy thing, for many reasons.

Then, since I'll have to be awake at least until 8:00, with the brisket... and probably 9:00 or 10:00, given the startup, and chicken first, then getting the smoke action going... sneaking into town before I realize I am pushing it might be possible.  Just... a few things on the list.  While I was at it, I put what wasn't already on my list into the list.  And plugged my phone in so it doesn't die on me.  Yum!

One of the writers suggested cotter pins.  Well, there is another type, and name, all interchangeable to a degree.  And, yes, there have been a few times in the last few years where I could have used some of those.  My snow blower uses them for a number of things.  I think a few were lost, but there were extras.  I never did replace those.  In any case, I added a mixed group of those to my Amazon cart, of several different styles, just as a good thing to have.  He is right, you can mock up your own.  I have done that too.  It's just not as sure and takes more time to find what might work and try to fit it than to just have a few on hand.  Yeah, nice add.  I think I have a number of bobble cabinets around, too.  The type with clear drawers, though with labels as well, if you want to go that route.  That would work for these.  And for the bolts, nuts, and nails I have around.  I won't go with labels, at first, until I figure out just what I do want to keep on hand and make sure I have those in stock.  Just a thought for you others.  Cotter, or hair (I think) pins.  Of course, not real hair, or bobby, pins... though... come to think of it, a variety of those have come in handy in the past, if more as a provisional fix, a temporary thing.  Bailing wire...  Hey, it works... the duct tape of metal.

I best get to the grill.  I am going to try out the tinder that I made, since I forgot to take it to SMan.  Later.

Naps: The science of an art.

.
.
Well, I can write better sounding titles that actual articles.  I have, though, found that napping is helping, maybe in two areas.  With my days and nights flipped, I have been struggling like a turtle which has ended up on it's back.  Oh, I'll get right side up one of these days, again, probably.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother.  Still, that doesn't confront me none.  I'll get it rightside up and keep it that way... for... a while.  *sigh*  Naps, as I said, are potentially helping with two things.  The first is getting over the back.  With the pain a constant thing, even if mild at this time, it is actually becoming more of a distraction.  I have found naps seem to give me a bit of a break.  The pain is greater, or seems greater, when first waking.  But then it eases back to a dull burn, perhaps as my body finds the right position, and readjusts muscles and such, after having been reclined.  Or I just get used to it consciously.  I think the pain is mellowing, bit by bit.  A few more days, maybe a week.  At the worst, two weeks.  Never can tell.

I am hoping to get out tomorrow, to look for tomato and pepper plants.  A much smaller package than last year, if I can find well matured plants at a price I can afford.  And, if that happens, I might as well look for asparagus, horse radish, jerusalem something-somthing, and maybe rhubarb.  I don't know if it is too late for any of that.  I am not sure you can buy it a year beforehand either.  But I can ask/talk to the clerks and such.  I'd sure like a whole mess of asparagus and rhubarb, the rest would just be trial stuff.  I like horse radish, I just don't know how much of a load of work it is to prepare it properly.  And I don't use it often.  The other is said to be a diabetic potato substitute.  I'm usually not keen on substitutes though either.  Still, perhaps on it's own, it might prove to be a minor treat.  Who knows.  But in to town, as soon as I can.  I need a few other things as well.

Tonight, if I can get to it, I will take the pack apart and set it up for a future run.  That is the next thing on the list of intermediate level goals.  A hike to the yurt in Green Canyon, and if need be a stay over.  Not at the Yurt, I suspect that is a rental.  But there might be camp sites a bit past or this side of that.  The goal, however, is to get up and back in one run.  Down is easy, up will take the bulk of the time.  It's not terribly steep, just constantly steep after the mile mark, or so.  I suppose, after making the yurt, my job will be to do it faster and faster, up to my maximum speed.  Then find a bit more challenging of a hike, and begin working that.  The Wellsville Mountains are my final local goal.  I could, probably, do those now, not the steeper climb, but that standard.  It would just take me all day, maybe two.  And there really isn't a place to camp out on top, so...  No water up there either.  So not yet.

The naps may help me get my days and nights turned around, especially if I push them a bit.  The pain actually makes napping easier.  It wears the body down, weakens it's resistance to sleep.  It might actually be helping with other goals.  Later.

Irritating physics grads.

.
.
I did enjoy college, sometimes.  Actually rarely, but there were moments.  One thing I truly enjoyed was a physics course I took in the summer.  Okay, not the course, but one moment in it.  The grad student who was proctoring a few of the days was discussing something or other.  Generally I stayed out of things, being an old guy.  I found that, being an old guy, older than most grad students and some professors, my involvement... caused problems.  On this day, however, I had no choice.  I was called on, by name.  I think he thought I was skating, though it might have been a random pick, or some other reasons.  Still, he DID ask.

As it ended up, the conversation focused on reality and, sort of, materialism.  I can't remember all of the conversation, but I do remember how my question of his notion came to be brought to play.  I asked, if a deck of cards was shuffled well, and I cut the deck, and he picked the top card in the now cut deck, would that card be the same if he chose it now, two seconds from now, or a week from now?  Was it determined before he picked it up and looked at it?  And, how would he prove that.  *gulp*  Urhm.  It HAS to be the same, he almost screamed.  How do you know that?  It just does!  Do you have a way of testing?  No, but it does, it has to be the same.  Like an animal in a trap, I saw him panic.  So... I let him off.  Of course, I lied, it has to be the same.  I was just... checking.  Again, I lied.  No, I knew nothing of the Wheeler experiment, nor had I studied "deeper" physics.  Isn't my gig.  But I do... think about such things, on my own.  Remember, I was contemplating infinity as a five year old.  How to define it, manipulate it, work with it.  I'm a bit different.  Just not studious on every topic that interests me.  Many of those who are called experts screw the pooch and obviously don't understand.  They just know what they have been taught.

I learned, after that, to be careful.  These folks are rather fragile when they bump up against reality, things they truly do not, and probably cannot, know.  So, I kept my questions, and thoughts... simple.  The young man involved avoided me the rest of that course and pretended he didn't see me on campus.  Actually, some of the other students did as well.  They were there to be told, not to learn or think!  Even letting him off the hook curried no favor.  I am sure, by now, he is a physics professor.  :)  I still think there is a flaw in the Wheeler experiment, but... I'd have to wake up and take a closer look.  Even then I might not be able to find it.  But... I think there is a mistake.  A rubics cube thing.

As to reality?  It's a figment, really, of God's imagination.  As children of God, we play a very large part in the production of it, if... we don't actually make it.  By viewing, and understanding, we shape, or define what would not have been into what is, but not necessarily as we would define it... but through the laws made for reality should it come to exist through our... observation.  While God does see all, without our input of observation, it doesn't exist so there is nothing for Him to see.  And... while it would seem that He could make it be, through His own observation, He is not bound to that same rule.  We are, in essence, His eyes... at least on creation.  His observation does not create, other than the rules that exist for our creational observation.  It's... just the way of it.  Nothing more, or less.  Which, for example, is how Christ could walk on water and rise from the dead.  Only, with Him, there is the ability to make reality, form it.  That is, not yet, open to us.  Urhm... mostly.  (Assuming the Wheeler experiment works out, if I still think that is closer to truth than materialism.)

Don't go spreading this around campus.  God forbid someone actually think there.

Hmm...

.
.
Okay.  I did get back to sleep, but not until early this morning.  Actually, after a bit of consideration, I think the occasional very sharp pain that had been in my back was better.  Constant burn is not conducive to much.  There isn't, at the moment, an angle or way to get out of the pain.  While not extreme, being constant makes up for it.  And it seems to build over time.  Cross shoulder stretches, arm lift stretches, back arches, whatever else I think might relieve just a bit, is tried from time to time.  It'll just take some time.  Well, something to tinker with.  But, in my focusing on it, I lost track of medicine for a few days.  No worries, that happens once in a while.  I'm starting that back up today.

Sleep is off a bit.  That makes remembering when, and what, to take, just a bit more complicated.  If you sort of get on a schedule, and take stuff at this, then that time, but you find yourself asleep at that time, then, obviously, you don't take things at that time, and... have to realize and adjust.  Nothing fancy.

Today?  I don't know.  I haven't been doing as much as I had hoped.  I've sort of been doing pre-chore stuff... getting dishes ready, getting laundry to the laundry room, getting my pack in to be torn apart and checked, you know... prepping.  But that actual work just hasn't gone forward.  I really want to focus on the pack.  I am more concerned with getting out for a hike than I am with the few dishes or laundry.  So, that is the focus today.  If I can squeeze in laundry, or dishes, or better both, after that, I'll be pleased... and surprised.  I am having to add a minor headache to the other pain.  Minor painpills are being added to the lineup for that reason.

I've had much worse.  This is getting annoying but I think it'll pass fairly quickly.  Oh, something else, I would like to, before too long, set up the garage a bit so as to start tinkering.  Some tools, a few devices, a little of this and that.  Maybe start some sort of project shortly after that.  I'll see, but it is in the planning stages as I think about what I want out there.  Everything I do, even in the best of times, just... takes a while.  Bless my mother's soul for not slaying me for all the while I took on so many things she wanted done "now", I think that is how she put it.  NOW!  Ah, that's it.  Now, for me, was within the month, unless I forgot.  Still is.  So... later is... well... later.  Poor woman.  Then again, my lady friends learned too.  And even pals.  Pals seem more understanding because they often live on the later mantra too.  :)

Well... urhm... later?  Yep.

A little different.

.
.
Absolutely no doubt.  That was one heck of an electrical storm.  I went to sleep between 22:00 and 23:00, uhrm, give or take.  I was sleeping pretty good too.  I don't know if I was sleeping at a bad angle or what, but the next thing I knew I had spasms running up and down my back.  That'll wake you, even if you are me.  Which I am.  And it did.  So...  Ha!  Now, as I said, I'm a bit different.  I felt no pain.  If something hurts, enough, for a bit, my body kicks out some hella good painkillers.  However, I also couldn't... do much else until I figured this thing out.  Nothing like having horses race up and down your spine.  And while it didn't hurt, the jerking was... rather pronounced.  For me it was more like figuring out a muscular rubics cube.  Twist, relax, pulse...  Nope.  Twist, relax, twist, pulse...  Nope.  It took a good half hour to figure out the sequence, or sequences.  Never sure if the last things you did was it, or if it was a series of efforts.  No pain, so it was just... a thing.

Well, even if it wasn't painful, it was jarring.  There goes sleep.  So, I got up, did a few things, ate a few peanuts, and settled in for a night awake.  An hour later and the burn is back.  Not sure if the attack exacerbated it, or if the burn is merely from the healing going on.  Each step, day as it is turning out, the pain morphs a bit.  Not really better or worse, always, but in a smaller area, or of a different type.  Now it feels like a constant mild burn on the inside of that shoulder blade.  While it is constant, it is in a smaller area and of a more minor intensity.  No more stabbing sensations.  I am actually hoping that the spasms... unhooked the nerve, or forced the muscle off the corner, or whatever it was. 

Oh, I suppose there are curatives for it.  Me, I would go with a... I think... Swedish massage.  The one where they try to put their fingers through your muscles and nearly break bones doing it.  *grin*  I hate touchy feely massages, and don't trust the other kinds.  Solid Christians should know not to play with foreign Gods, which includes shaping themselves into their forms with yoga, too.  But it really, also, for me, comes down to what works, within the practical.  Oh, don't believe in the dark forces used in some alt medicine... at your peril.  You are dealing, quite often, with my uncles... and not the best of the lot.  But I would only consider a curative if it persisted a very long time.  I waited a month, or three, before going in with my (at least) bruised ribs.  I still suspect a few were cracked.  They just handed me pills, few of which I used.  I'm not a pill fan.  If that's it, I'll suffer more than not.  But... that is the V.A., in I.C., not sure what competent docs might have done.  They didn't even do an x-ray.

It is getting better.  Further, it doesn't seem to impinge on my ability to function.  I was able to carry the pack, at 25, with zero problems... both on my back as a pack and as a weight in my arms, without issue.  The pain isn't increased by a load and I still have flexibility, and with weight.  It's just an inner pain, at least at this point.  Yeah, I just wasn't up to moving weights, and I was trying to... put my effort in.  Ego will get you.  Hey, but it looked good while it lasted!  I am strong enough for that, but when I don't have the focus needed, I can't maintain physical cohesion under load.  Silly, but...  Then again, that is something I intend to improve.  We'll see.

A Dream.

.
.
All night I struggled.  Contest after contest.  Always underwater, always a bit behind the competition.  But, on I went, knowing I could not win by the halfway mark.  Brutal.  Some did not live to see the end.  Others were broken in the events.  Too dumb to know I was hurt, at times, too mean to always care.  I suspected I didn't belong in the final courses on some events, as earlier exceptions probably discounted my later participation.  I could plainly see I did not win every event.  I just assumed that the judges simply didn't have the brass to debate the thing so just let me continue, enjoying my suffering, losses, and humiliations.  As pathetic men always say, if you can't beat em', fuck em'.

All night.  Pounding my head against the proverbial wall.  I knew, finally, even through that thick skull I use for these sorts of efforts, that I could not win.  Didn't confront me none, as long as I got to that finish line, lifted that last weight, threw the javelin past the last line, slayed that final beast.  And I was there, made it, every time.  Finally, the contest was over.  We were given a week to clean up, and relearn to walk straight.  Those of us who remained.  A feast was thrown.  Even those who had been maimed were there, for there is honor in that.

The feast was grand.  Meats of all sorts, wine of very fine quality all throughout, dancing girls filled the place, and favored daughters were dressed to kill and be... noticed.  Before total mayhem could befall, but well after the feasting and sipping was underway, the presentation of winners was announced.  I knew, by score, I did not place.  I wasn't, absolutely, sure, however, who did win or even place.  There were many measures being used.

They called up so-and-so, a representation of a new/old friend.  It was Thorn/Vox.  They had him stand on the top stand, but did not indicate his place.  Then another new/old friend, Butte/Desert Cat.  They had him stand on the second tier, but again, did not name his place.  Then they stalled a bit.  Some kind of a hubbub ensued.  It looked like fists were about to fly among the judges.  Finally, several judges were shoved out of the circle and left in a huff.  Doom!  I looked around, to see if they were... joking.  My name, again.  Slowly I rose, limping just a bit with that twinge that remained.  I pulled out of that as best I could and strode up, still a bit weary that my name was in jest.  Up, I was lead, to the third position.

Then they announced the places.  Thorn/Vox received the Perseus award, not a first place, but the highest count.  Butte/Desert Cat received the Aristaeus award, not the second most points but the most... inventive solutions were his.  And I received the Heracles award.  After the calling, and cheers and accolades, and a time to enjoy the glory, I felt called to discuss this with the judges.  So, after a time, and much of the usual required... mingling and receiving of honors, I slipped over to the judges area.

What, pray tell, would have allowed you to choose me, I asked.  Blunt, as usual.  I could not have gotten the numbers.  I was not in the circle by any means I could tell.  Ah, that, the lead judge intoned.  No, you did not come in third, or fourth... I think, by count, you were nearly twelfth.  Thirteenth, the call was corrected by some judge in the back of the group.  Scratching my head to showcase my puzzlement, the judges just enjoying my suffering.  A moment of silence as the judges who remained grinned and pleasured themselves at my growing impatience.  You were chosen because you were not only not supposed to win, some of the *cough* judges had arranged that you would not even survive the events.  They, of course, have been... sent on their ignominious ways.  They will be marked by their treachery for all of their days and live without peace or honor.

Having been beset, as you were, that you finished every contest, completed every task, and did not die or even encounter a wound that is lasting, you have received the right honor.  Now, go, enjoy the feasting.  With our gratitude for such a well fought contest.  Heal up quickly.  We have use for you and the others, or will soon.  This contest was not mere folly or frolicking, lad.  The time is coming when heroes are needed again.

Some dream.  Whatever.  I just want some more of that roasted beef!  Well... and t'em flowers weren't all that bad either.  But beef first, flowers later.  All I'm saying.  Ha!

Stages of pain.

.
.
Once the natural pain killers start tapering and healing has taken place, but before the last flames of the thing have faded, my mind seizes on what else has hurt.  I am not sure if the mind is trying to suggest I have had worse, or saying that I can get past this too, or if there is simply a connection in the brain, in memory, that all pain shares.  Perhaps, as the box that this memory goes in is opened, more is seen.  I simply do not know.  I do know that this pain was sufficient to allow... a brief passage on that stream, a brief view of things past and perhaps future.

So many different types of things can hurt.  Understandings, the pain or loss of others, physical damage given or taken, spiritual, emotional.  I can't say one is worse than another.  I do believe enough emotional damage can kill.  Some say only indirectly, through a decay of the body.  But I say a broken heart can kill you.  Not just that of lost love, or the type of love most associate with a broken heart.  Pain is... a many splendored thing.

When I put up music, from such, understand... the mind, when it goes far enough into some things, is not always... completely... perhaps even partially... rational.  No matter the training, experience.  Not matter the strength of faith, or even lack of it.  What happens in some hell is... doesn't translate well.  It is felt, slightly understood perhaps, at least my own and by me... and I have seen into the heart of other people's darkness where they cannot.  But most can't see well into mine.  Just... take it with the grain of salt that is horrific damage.