.
.
Hell's yeah. I got out tonight. Don't know why not last night or any day in the last week. At this point I don't care. I purchased enough food to last a week or two, and tobacco to last nearly two months. Since I didn't know when I would be in again I decided, after doing my major grocery shopping, to call my friend. While late I thought he might like the chance to get out. He did and so out we went. Nothing fancy. He picked up some bullets for reloading, I bought the one thing my usual store doesn't stock... the type of wet cat food I feed the girls. Then I grabbed a meal and ate it at his place while we watched some tube. Every time I see television again I am reminded why I dropped it. Commercials and all around shitty product between the aforementioned.
Really nice. I also sort of promised-suggested I would try to make it in again Monday. I am not sure I can, but... it's a goal. I let him know that too. I hope to go to Mass Monday, and maybe swim. Hmm, I need trunks that fit though. Everything I have is now too big, way too big. I'll have to figure that out. This weekend I hope to get my act together and finish my place. With the clothes and the bedding and most of the dishes sorted out, I need to do the sweeping, mopping, bathroom, picking up here and there.
What is the final goal? Well, I suppose all of those things ARE the final goal. Dreams of more are fading. Keeping myself and my home up, then doing what else is necessary, that will be as good as it gets and probably only something I will be able to do once in a while. I'm driving on three flat tires, I'll never get up to even highway speed, forget about 200 like I used to go. Not really complaining, we were only ever meant to go fast for so long anyway. Beyond that it becomes false bravado. If only I may truly know what has happened, I know I have nothing left to prove to men, or even women. To God? Well, that's an everyday thing now. I will always have to prove myself to Him. Personally, if not completely on the moral side just on the living side, I would guess I impress Him. The man with both no heart and all heart? Yeah, perhaps.
Well, on to things. Hmm, breaded fried chops and a salad are in the offing later, I believe. Yeah, I got some salad makings. I also bought spinach for some fresh steamed goop. Love that stuff, once an occasional. Mostly meats though, that's just what I do.
Good night.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Bah!
.
.
Still haven't been able to get out. Not sure what the deal is. I did, however, change my bedding, leaving my bed to air out overnight. I have been eating, cooking, and tending the dishes rather well as well. I just can't get things arranged to get out. Everything is ready. I've taken care of my list. I honestly don't know what else to do. Then again, there was no 'window of opportunity'. Perhaps there are limits to what I can simply create out of thin air. It sounds impossibly stupid, when looked at directly. And yet it is the truth. I am stuck. At least I am stuck with clean clothes, mostly clean dishes, and a clean bed now. Oh, and I am clean too. All of that is an improvement, some are needed for when I finally am able to get out.
I simply don't know how to shake free. Eating well isn't doing it. I tried the Anacin to see if it would work twice. I think it only gave me a jolt because it was combined with relieving pain. There must not be enough of a hit of caffeine in them to otherwise give me the boost the first dose gave me recently. I would use a prybar if I knew where to apply it. Hah!
Well, later.
.
Still haven't been able to get out. Not sure what the deal is. I did, however, change my bedding, leaving my bed to air out overnight. I have been eating, cooking, and tending the dishes rather well as well. I just can't get things arranged to get out. Everything is ready. I've taken care of my list. I honestly don't know what else to do. Then again, there was no 'window of opportunity'. Perhaps there are limits to what I can simply create out of thin air. It sounds impossibly stupid, when looked at directly. And yet it is the truth. I am stuck. At least I am stuck with clean clothes, mostly clean dishes, and a clean bed now. Oh, and I am clean too. All of that is an improvement, some are needed for when I finally am able to get out.
I simply don't know how to shake free. Eating well isn't doing it. I tried the Anacin to see if it would work twice. I think it only gave me a jolt because it was combined with relieving pain. There must not be enough of a hit of caffeine in them to otherwise give me the boost the first dose gave me recently. I would use a prybar if I knew where to apply it. Hah!
Well, later.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Could be?
.
.
Tonight might really be the night that I escape my digs for the first time in... I don't even know when the last time I left was. It's not important to the task, to know. I've definitely had worse. And while I did sink into the morass a bit deeper than usual for out here, last winter was worse if for it's own particular reason. I am surprised I am climbing out on my own. That truly is a first, if an inconsequential thing if viewed from the outside. It must be like watching a fast slug compared to a slow slug. While relativism as a human notion is bunk, there are applications where it does apply. *grins*
I showered last night in prep to shower again tonight. Sounds silly but, just go with it. I fixed a more real meal tonight, spaghetti and meat sauce. This time I had a small collection of extra spices to add my own real touch to it. More garlic, of course. But also more oregano, a touch of my gnarly cayenne, a bit of cumin, and a few other things. My sauce does not taste like it was store-bought. It brings a twinge to the jowls like those bitter-sweet candies, only without the regret and not quite so sour. Loverly.
I see it is February 22nd already. Time flies when you are unaware. Oh, and I have been keeping up on dishes. I won't plan anything else beside going to the store tonight. I think that was my undoing last time. Too many things on my list and I bog down like a computer with bloatware! At least at this point. I also collected some of the trash, and all of the recycling, and that will be the one thing to do beside shopping, but it is as simple as going out with me as I leave. Bit by bit I am getting my feet back under me and my wind back. I'm just faking it at the moment but I can live with that.
Later.
.
Tonight might really be the night that I escape my digs for the first time in... I don't even know when the last time I left was. It's not important to the task, to know. I've definitely had worse. And while I did sink into the morass a bit deeper than usual for out here, last winter was worse if for it's own particular reason. I am surprised I am climbing out on my own. That truly is a first, if an inconsequential thing if viewed from the outside. It must be like watching a fast slug compared to a slow slug. While relativism as a human notion is bunk, there are applications where it does apply. *grins*
I showered last night in prep to shower again tonight. Sounds silly but, just go with it. I fixed a more real meal tonight, spaghetti and meat sauce. This time I had a small collection of extra spices to add my own real touch to it. More garlic, of course. But also more oregano, a touch of my gnarly cayenne, a bit of cumin, and a few other things. My sauce does not taste like it was store-bought. It brings a twinge to the jowls like those bitter-sweet candies, only without the regret and not quite so sour. Loverly.
I see it is February 22nd already. Time flies when you are unaware. Oh, and I have been keeping up on dishes. I won't plan anything else beside going to the store tonight. I think that was my undoing last time. Too many things on my list and I bog down like a computer with bloatware! At least at this point. I also collected some of the trash, and all of the recycling, and that will be the one thing to do beside shopping, but it is as simple as going out with me as I leave. Bit by bit I am getting my feet back under me and my wind back. I'm just faking it at the moment but I can live with that.
Later.
Moving on.
.
.
But not going very fast or very far. More dishes were done, including the cleanup for the last few meals. I redid the stove going over the whole thing this time. Just trying to keep up. Then a major headache hit and that was that. I haven't had a migraine in months, perhaps a year or more? I really ought to get back on my medicine. You would think I could just do... whatever. But I can't. I did play the game, it took my mind off the headache, mostly. I finally gave in and took aspirin, the type with caffeine, 1200 mg.
In other words, I didn't get out, I didn't change and wash my bedding, and I didn't finish the last of the dishes. So be it. I have today, or really tomorrow. I am doing what I can. For the moment I am stuck. I'll get there. Like I said, this is new territory. I am making a window, not simply going through one or trying to go through something presented to me. And, actually, I am pleased that I have come so far while blind. Blind you ask? Yes, when I am without... mind, body, something... I am blind in a way you can't quite know. Most of you have had times where you didn't know what what the moral, correct, right thing to do was. Just imagine if everything from eating to dressing to checking the mail, and definitely anything more complicated became just as... unsure to you. It is a type of blindness, though I am not sure what it is I don't see, only that I can't figure things out. If you have watched (or better read) The Lord of the Rings series, the Nazgûl might be a type of similar irregularity. They don't have normal spacial reasoning among other things. They 'understood' differently. Just... a sort of example. Never mind, just trying to explain. To you and me.
The medicine worked, the headache is mostly gone, but it is nearing bedtime. I try to stay up between 15 and 18 hours a day, sleeping between six and eight hours. I am not using my alarm clock though. When I am in this sort of haze, an alarm clock will irritate me to sleep longer, to try and escape it or... ignore it... or beat it... or surrender... or something. I haven't figured out how things work in the fog, I just know that a few things do function differently and know some of them. Not all of them. Footdragging seems to be a method of sanity for me, in these times. I suppose that is how I have survived so long with such a bad heart? Probably.
Well, on to a bit more gaming before I crash. This is becoming quite annoying, even with my modest but appreciable and real successes. Later.
.
But not going very fast or very far. More dishes were done, including the cleanup for the last few meals. I redid the stove going over the whole thing this time. Just trying to keep up. Then a major headache hit and that was that. I haven't had a migraine in months, perhaps a year or more? I really ought to get back on my medicine. You would think I could just do... whatever. But I can't. I did play the game, it took my mind off the headache, mostly. I finally gave in and took aspirin, the type with caffeine, 1200 mg.
In other words, I didn't get out, I didn't change and wash my bedding, and I didn't finish the last of the dishes. So be it. I have today, or really tomorrow. I am doing what I can. For the moment I am stuck. I'll get there. Like I said, this is new territory. I am making a window, not simply going through one or trying to go through something presented to me. And, actually, I am pleased that I have come so far while blind. Blind you ask? Yes, when I am without... mind, body, something... I am blind in a way you can't quite know. Most of you have had times where you didn't know what what the moral, correct, right thing to do was. Just imagine if everything from eating to dressing to checking the mail, and definitely anything more complicated became just as... unsure to you. It is a type of blindness, though I am not sure what it is I don't see, only that I can't figure things out. If you have watched (or better read) The Lord of the Rings series, the Nazgûl might be a type of similar irregularity. They don't have normal spacial reasoning among other things. They 'understood' differently. Just... a sort of example. Never mind, just trying to explain. To you and me.
The medicine worked, the headache is mostly gone, but it is nearing bedtime. I try to stay up between 15 and 18 hours a day, sleeping between six and eight hours. I am not using my alarm clock though. When I am in this sort of haze, an alarm clock will irritate me to sleep longer, to try and escape it or... ignore it... or beat it... or surrender... or something. I haven't figured out how things work in the fog, I just know that a few things do function differently and know some of them. Not all of them. Footdragging seems to be a method of sanity for me, in these times. I suppose that is how I have survived so long with such a bad heart? Probably.
Well, on to a bit more gaming before I crash. This is becoming quite annoying, even with my modest but appreciable and real successes. Later.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Deep fried chicken gizzards.
.
.
In lard. Like I said, my arteries are clean as a whistle, I don't have gout, and I doubt if it would matter anyway. I have a strong suspicion that most "food science" is about as politically motivated as "global warming"(tm). The more they have gotten people to eat less meat and fat, the fatter people have gotten. Then again, with an aging, dying, population, that is just what happens. Only a few genetically special people remain svelte their whole lives. Well, those and the moderately poor and those too foolish to use their slim moneys for food.
I am hoping tonight is the night to sneak out. I just haven't been up to it so far. It's not, always, that I have an order by which to do things that cannot be altered, save for having clean clothes but that is fair. It has to do with having enough stored energy, or the sense that I do, to risk leaving my home. Like a very long drive with no gas stations, if you aren't sure your vehicle will make it don't take the risk. While I am almost certain, and have never failed, to go out and come back, I realize this is just a sensory thing. Then again, I have seen the devistation to my life when I push too hard too fast. Eventually it will be fatal, one way or another.
The fried gizzards where splendid. I kept trying to figure out how my mother made them so crispy. When we were kids, she made them ever so often. And her regular fried chicken was the stuff of county fair blue ribbon material. I figured it out, hot. Not just a little, not mostly. HOT. And you really have to keep an eye on those things while they are in. But crispy? If I can make this and fried chicken like this every time, if it wasn't unconstitutional, I'd marry myself! Sex wouldn't suffer (can't). *shrug* And, no, I'm not a narcissist. But who marries for love anyway. But excellent fried foods? You bet!
And, yeah, all of my meal dishes are soaking. I need to redo the sudsy water and try and kick out more of the remnants of the other dishes that remain. Something about a clean, tidy, decent to live in home that makes one happier to be alive. My mother had here faults. She had here qualities too. Beside letting us know, very often, that she loved us she instilled in us manners, propriety, and certain ethics, including work ethic. I had thought the work ethic failed on me but I think I was a bit ill even back then. Not at disability levels, just... a nagging lack of energy at times. And she did it mostly on her own. Two boys who would otherwise have been orphanage rats. I like to think she did the world, and us, a great favor. She did what she could with what she had, and like most country girls, that ain't bad.
Yeah, yeah, I know. A soaking of some dishes, stripping of the bed to air out, a bit of laundry, and a few hours of gaming in between, and maybe to town tonight. The cats are getting very long in the face about hard cat food. And I really have to keep an eye on water for them now too. Still, it's good for them to learn to live lean from tine to time. In summer I ought to go solely to hard cat food to induce mousing. And I am thinking about having weekends be hard cat food only days... call it 'chef's holiday'.
Later.
.
In lard. Like I said, my arteries are clean as a whistle, I don't have gout, and I doubt if it would matter anyway. I have a strong suspicion that most "food science" is about as politically motivated as "global warming"(tm). The more they have gotten people to eat less meat and fat, the fatter people have gotten. Then again, with an aging, dying, population, that is just what happens. Only a few genetically special people remain svelte their whole lives. Well, those and the moderately poor and those too foolish to use their slim moneys for food.
I am hoping tonight is the night to sneak out. I just haven't been up to it so far. It's not, always, that I have an order by which to do things that cannot be altered, save for having clean clothes but that is fair. It has to do with having enough stored energy, or the sense that I do, to risk leaving my home. Like a very long drive with no gas stations, if you aren't sure your vehicle will make it don't take the risk. While I am almost certain, and have never failed, to go out and come back, I realize this is just a sensory thing. Then again, I have seen the devistation to my life when I push too hard too fast. Eventually it will be fatal, one way or another.
The fried gizzards where splendid. I kept trying to figure out how my mother made them so crispy. When we were kids, she made them ever so often. And her regular fried chicken was the stuff of county fair blue ribbon material. I figured it out, hot. Not just a little, not mostly. HOT. And you really have to keep an eye on those things while they are in. But crispy? If I can make this and fried chicken like this every time, if it wasn't unconstitutional, I'd marry myself! Sex wouldn't suffer (can't). *shrug* And, no, I'm not a narcissist. But who marries for love anyway. But excellent fried foods? You bet!
And, yeah, all of my meal dishes are soaking. I need to redo the sudsy water and try and kick out more of the remnants of the other dishes that remain. Something about a clean, tidy, decent to live in home that makes one happier to be alive. My mother had here faults. She had here qualities too. Beside letting us know, very often, that she loved us she instilled in us manners, propriety, and certain ethics, including work ethic. I had thought the work ethic failed on me but I think I was a bit ill even back then. Not at disability levels, just... a nagging lack of energy at times. And she did it mostly on her own. Two boys who would otherwise have been orphanage rats. I like to think she did the world, and us, a great favor. She did what she could with what she had, and like most country girls, that ain't bad.
Yeah, yeah, I know. A soaking of some dishes, stripping of the bed to air out, a bit of laundry, and a few hours of gaming in between, and maybe to town tonight. The cats are getting very long in the face about hard cat food. And I really have to keep an eye on water for them now too. Still, it's good for them to learn to live lean from tine to time. In summer I ought to go solely to hard cat food to induce mousing. And I am thinking about having weekends be hard cat food only days... call it 'chef's holiday'.
Later.
Dishes.
.
.
After days of monkeying around with the drain plug I just went back to the trusty old dishpan. Well, that and the other-other sink. Two loads and two pots done, plus the stove top receiving a proper scrubbing. While there are some things I don't like about glass top stoves, their fragility spooks me, there is much to like. Cleanup is an absolute breeze.
With laundry done, save bedding, and dishes well over half way completed, I simply need to police the place up a bit, take out the trash and recycling, redo my bed, and life will be back to some sort of sanity. I hope, yet tonight, to sneak out. I need to check my mail, get more canned cat food, milk, and a few other things. I am thawing chicken gizzards, hamburger, and a couple of t-bones currently. I need to keep the food supply up or this will all fail. It may anyway, but food is vital.
Oh, yeah, I ought to grab some more salami and cheese. It makes for a perfect meal. And while expensive, even the $10 chunk lasts for four meals or so. Too rich to just down, especially with some cheese and crackers on the side. Cheese can be pricey too, but as with the sausages, it goes a long way. Let me see, $20 over 5 meals is $4. I think I can do that. I am not sure I have much choice. Only beans and rice are cheaper but I need meat in there which shoots the cost way up. You just can't get away without spending, and spending, and spending. Even when you think you don't have it.
I was trying to figure out what day today was. Then I realized I didn't know which week in the month it is. I finally realized I have no idea what month it is. I still haven't checked. I would guess it's February but I simply don't know. I would actually say I think it is January I just don't want to sound dated. :p
Well, I will need a shower before going to town. I am not sure I am up to it. If not, I am getting much closer. Later.
.
After days of monkeying around with the drain plug I just went back to the trusty old dishpan. Well, that and the other-other sink. Two loads and two pots done, plus the stove top receiving a proper scrubbing. While there are some things I don't like about glass top stoves, their fragility spooks me, there is much to like. Cleanup is an absolute breeze.
With laundry done, save bedding, and dishes well over half way completed, I simply need to police the place up a bit, take out the trash and recycling, redo my bed, and life will be back to some sort of sanity. I hope, yet tonight, to sneak out. I need to check my mail, get more canned cat food, milk, and a few other things. I am thawing chicken gizzards, hamburger, and a couple of t-bones currently. I need to keep the food supply up or this will all fail. It may anyway, but food is vital.
Oh, yeah, I ought to grab some more salami and cheese. It makes for a perfect meal. And while expensive, even the $10 chunk lasts for four meals or so. Too rich to just down, especially with some cheese and crackers on the side. Cheese can be pricey too, but as with the sausages, it goes a long way. Let me see, $20 over 5 meals is $4. I think I can do that. I am not sure I have much choice. Only beans and rice are cheaper but I need meat in there which shoots the cost way up. You just can't get away without spending, and spending, and spending. Even when you think you don't have it.
I was trying to figure out what day today was. Then I realized I didn't know which week in the month it is. I finally realized I have no idea what month it is. I still haven't checked. I would guess it's February but I simply don't know. I would actually say I think it is January I just don't want to sound dated. :p
Well, I will need a shower before going to town. I am not sure I am up to it. If not, I am getting much closer. Later.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Hmm, well, let's try that again.
.
.
Was all geared to go out last night. No clothes, no clean clothes anyway. So, through the night, I have done about six loads of laundry. I folded, hung, and put away all as appropriate save a large basket of socks that need sorted. I would have done dishes along with it but for some reason my sink simply won't hold water. Damn plugs. Never you mind, I'll figure it out. With clean clothes I am more sure to get to town tonight or tomorrow. I am still... grinding my way through this. Stupid heart just isn't there. And it's not just the gaming keeping me occupied. My wounds aren't healing. A sign that what is ailing me is quite real and very physical.
Not much else to report. It was good to get the laundry done though. Next, the bedding and dishes, if I can get the sink to plug up properly. I may look around online, see if anyone has advice about that. Whatever.
Later.
.
Was all geared to go out last night. No clothes, no clean clothes anyway. So, through the night, I have done about six loads of laundry. I folded, hung, and put away all as appropriate save a large basket of socks that need sorted. I would have done dishes along with it but for some reason my sink simply won't hold water. Damn plugs. Never you mind, I'll figure it out. With clean clothes I am more sure to get to town tonight or tomorrow. I am still... grinding my way through this. Stupid heart just isn't there. And it's not just the gaming keeping me occupied. My wounds aren't healing. A sign that what is ailing me is quite real and very physical.
Not much else to report. It was good to get the laundry done though. Next, the bedding and dishes, if I can get the sink to plug up properly. I may look around online, see if anyone has advice about that. Whatever.
Later.
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